Using friends as a weapon.

by J.M.
(Hartford, CT)

He used going out with friends as a weapon to hurt me. In the beginning of our relationship, we spent almost all our time together. However I discovered he had a drinking problem. When he wanted to relapse, he would become distant, rude and publicly disrespectful. It was only a matter of a day or two before he would just take off with a friend. I would fear the worst and call his cell. He wouldn't pick up but I'd get a text he was with so and so.

We repeatedly went through a cycle of different friends he would use to do this with. It was clear he'd talk badly about me to them because they'd all hate me. There is one to this day, who I see when I visit another mutual friend, who won't even look at me.

Obviously things had to get better for us to have gotten married; they did. He started going to AA and rehab counseling. However he started using it the same exact way. If things were stressful in the house, he'd blow out with an AA buddy. I began to realize that this was never going to end. I never had a problem with him going out with friends nor AA, but it just kept being used as a weapon towards me. None of these men would even attempt to be my friend too and he was my husband!

After one of our last fights he had taken off without a word or even a text. I called him telling him this couldn't go on (for the 100th time) and he put the phone down and told the man he was with that I was drunk and yelling at him, which I do not drink at all, and that I was just being hurtful and he would rather walk the streets of the town than come home!

He again had chosen to make me out to be some villain in his life! I hung up and called the AA Sponsor he was talking to and tried to reason with him. The Sponsor, who had clearly made up his mind about me though he'd never even met me, just talked down to me. He pretty much told me I was completely unsupportive and that I shouldn't worry because he'd take care of him! He never came home, and he still owes me about $10k for his rehab bills I paid!