Lack of attention

by c
(usa)

The lack of emotional and physical attention is more than I can take. We got married when I was 20. I was young, but I really did love him. After we got engaged, he gave me herpes. This made me feel ruined honestly. He convinced me he got it from an old girlfriend and he never knew he had it. I didn't have a great home life and I remember going down the aisle doubting myself but I did anyway.

As soon as we got married the intimacy stopped. He acted angry with me. When we had arguments he threatened "we'll just get a divorce". It scared me because I felt I had nowhere else to go, so I backed down. I would ask to fool around and he'd turn me down. He'd instigate and when I responded to him he'd chuckle and turn me down. He wanted to know I wanted him, but he didn't really want me. It got to the point that I stopped playing this game and would just say no because he wasn't going to follow through. This left me feeling inadequate. I had only had one brief partner before him.

He'd also told me he only had 2 intimate partners. Truth is he actually had no idea. I found out after a year of marriage he had been married and divorced before me. I also found where he had flirtations on line a few weeks before our marriage. But yet I stayed. We were intimate about 3-5 times a year. Eventually we started a business together and had a child, which was planned to a t.

About a year ago we tried having an open marriage and I found out I actually was being treated wrong. He found out he loved me and how "high maintenance" other women were. I've told him I don't feel we should be married any longer, but now he's begging, saying he loves me. That the way we can get along and work together is special. That intimacy isn't that important, that friendship is. But if I want it, he'll never turn me down again.

He is trying. He's doing laundry and helping with our child and giving me breaks. But while I do love him, honestly I look at him like a friend. I do not want to make love with him anymore. I think he's just killed that in me for him. I'm scared though because my job is in the balance. I'll be on my own I know. I’ll give him the house because his 6 family members live within a quarter of mile radius.

I love his family. And he's a good dad. But so many years of feeling like a work horse at home and work, and getting no love back, I just don't have it in me. I think he's more scared of his life without me. And it's all I know. So many people think we're so great together, because we do joke and we don't argue (because I stopped trying).

So what do you do when it's "ok"? Should this be good enough? Probably a lot of women would be happy for a friendship marriage. He tells me I won't find anyone I can get along with like him. That at my age (32) he doesn't know what I expect to find. We've been married for 12 yrs. I have a 2 year old. I'm just scared. Everything - my job, work, home is in jeopardy. Am I being unreasonable?