I Got Tired of Being Controlled

by Anne Marie
(PA, USA)

After thirty years of marriage and two children (now in college), I finally found the courage to snap the chains that have controlled me for all of my married life.


My husband controlled the money. He opened accounts I didn't know about; he took my entire paycheck every month and gave me sixty dollars a month. (I make $65,000 a year). My husband controlled the heat and the electricity. If I turned up the heat, he turned it off. If I turned on a light, I returned to a room to find it had been shut off. My husband controlled the dishwasher; it wasn't to be used. My husband controlled the garbage. If I put potato peelings in the garbage, he took them out and threw them outside.

One might ask how or why I tolerated this behavior. I do, too. However, it was just "easier" to let him have his way so I didn't have to endure the angry outbursts, the yelling, and the belittling comments. I have learned that this is a "walking on eggshells" environment.

He kept me working while he took two sabbaticals and then retired. Finally, I began to realize that my life and circumstances were never going to change...unless I cut him loose. So, I took control of my money by canceling his "direct deposit," I opened up my own credit card account, as well as my own checking account. The first check I wrote was to my lawyer. I filed in July. I have a long way to go in this divorce process, but I gain strength by knowing that someday I will be in control of my money, as well as my life.

Comments for I Got Tired of Being Controlled

Post reply

My husband treats me like a slave
by: Kimi

I wash the dishes and mop the floor. I hardly get enough sleep to scrub and clean. I try to be the perfect wife… I scrub, clean, even meet all his needs. But in return for my generous contribution to the relationship, he constantly insults me and puts me down. I do everything, clean, cook, satisfy him in the bedroom, meet all the requirements, yet, he treats me like dirt. Should I seek a divorce attorney, considering that it seems like I tried my best?
I'm always tired
by: Lost

I’ve been with my husband for over 11 years. We both started dating very young and were pretty much high school sweet hearts. In the early stages he was perfect and I fell deeply in love. As the years went on something changed. He started getting upset at me for wanting to visit family without him, or anything at all without him. I couldn’t go visit friends, family, or even go anywhere alone without him and it’s not a good feeling.

Now he checks my phone constantly and checks the browsing history. He searches around the house for anything to blame me for, and I’m constantly being accused for cheating no matter what I do or don’t do. It took a huge toll on my life. As a 30 year old women I can’t even text my friends or he gets mad at me and would break my phone. I was allowed to get my own cell phone at the age of 23. I’m lonely and sad but I can’t leave, something inside won’t let it happen. I smile on the outside but I’m hurting so bad inside.
Together for 8 years, one on the way, and a 2 year old.
by: Chaunte

We have been together for 8 years. We have a 2-year-old son and I’m 4 months pregnant. Although I didn’t exactly want another child, it happens. The entire relationship he isolated me from friends and some family. I will continue seeing my family. However, if my friends even stop by when they see me outside to talk to me in my driveway, he starts a fight. I’ve had to block every single friend off my phone to avoid arguments. He’s got physically abusive plenty of times. He’s broken so many things in my house, numerous doors, my stuff, phones I’ve bought for him (iPhones at that). I pay more bills then he ever has, but his income is what we live off of currently.

I’m always thinking about how wrong he is but I am wrong too. I’ve manipulated back. I’ve fought back. I’ve pretty much seen an eye for an eye a lot of times too because of how much I resent him at times. Someone had said that he’s obsessed with her, in the posts and stories above, and that’s how I feel too. He’s obsessed with me.

He’s taken away a lot of who I am away from me. I’m not allowed to dress up or wear makeup. Or if I do, there’s a fight. I can’t hang out with friends or talk to them. But, I go behind his back to talk to them. Sad thing is, is that I go and do most of the same stuff back to him; I try to control him, I get toxic as well. I know that it’s wrong. But how else am I supposed to feel?

I try to escape and he pops back up. Since my parents have been dead since I was 19, I’ve got no one to turn to really to help me with my son. I broke up and kicked him out a few months ago and he refused to see or ask about his son.

I don’t get taken out on dates, I don’t get surprises (besides a gas station lighter or something cheap and stupid). And if I’m having emotional issues I don’t bother to tell him because he doesn’t listen. He disregards my feelings and just tries to give me a hug and a kiss as if that will magically fix everything.

I’m at my wit's end. I don’t know what to do. I realistically don’t have anyone to help me. And part of it is my fault for allowing him to do this to me. I just wonder if I’m the only one who's become toxic back because of resentment. And if I leave him soon enough, if I can be repaired or if I’m going to be the toxic one in the next relationship (if I ever have one), because of him.
I think CONTROL is a gene
by: A Man in the same boat

I think CONTROLLING personality types have a gene in their DNA.

I am a man who had a controlling spouse and her mother was controlling also. The father ran away from the marriage leaving them.

As a man we have it a lot easier than women when living with a controller. They can yell and scream all they want and it rarely gets to the level of criminal assault.

I wish they taught this in a course near the end of high school. The clues that you’re with an abusive controller. The limits they put on friends, family and coworkers so they can isolate you. The control of the money. The tracking of the computer usage and cell phone and car gps.

I have helped my sister also escape an abuser and recently a neighborhood friend. I had to setup a new email name and help my friend get a new cell. Taught her how to disable the phone. She ordered her first credit card but the bank accidentally called her home and he cancelled it. I keep giving her information and case law hoping she can have the strength to make the move.

Trust women before men when seeking help. Even some women might stab you in the back. Ask for referrals.

And delay having kids.
Controlling husband for 15 years
by: Lauren

I have been married to my husband for 15 years and we have 2 beautiful children together. He is the love of my life. With that being said, he is severely controlling. I am just a possession. He is king and rules me. I have put up with it for so long now and I am fed up. I love him. I’ve known him since I was 2 years old. I can’t even imagine what life would be without him, but I know deep down in my heart that I am slowly deteriorating as a human being. I have been on anti-depressants due to his mental abuse.

He controls all the finances. Has a GPS on my phone. We have cameras all over the house and outside. He has access to my phone and can see everything I do and who I talk to. He tells me who I can and cannot hang out with and he is severely jealous. It’s almost like he is obsessed with me. Not in a good way though. He works long hours and comes home whenever he pleases. If I were to do that he would go ballistic!!! He will say to me, ‘I will take my car and my phone etc. if I do one little thing to upset him. Everything we own is his.

My name is on nothing. He swears he will hide all of our money if I ever try and leave him. That I will get nothing. Oh and he constantly accuses me of cheating. I have guy friends that I’ve had for years and they are his friends too but he constantly accuses me of cheating. I’m so sick of it. I am trying to give him an ultimatum that I want the GPS off of my car and I want access to all of our money whenever I want. I want a different phone account etc. if he won’t agree to that, I really want to be out!! This is so hard. I am treated like a child by him. He has ruined me. I don’t even know who I am???
Fed up but still feel attached to this Guy!
by: Crazy or what

Hello, I have been with my Husband for 11 years and married for 10. We have been living apart for only four months.

His control was with the water (how much I could use or not). All the time we had been together I was only allowed one bathe a week. He ran the bath for the children so they didn't use too much. He watched how much we used to wash the floor, and how much product we put in. The children only had five minutes each in the bathroom, which turned into ten because I argued about it. He controlled the money, which he stills does because things aren't separated. He was jealous of my children, of my friends, of everyone and everything.

The crazy thing is he could offer me a meal out or some money. But everything had to be his way. I wasn't to eat certain stuff so I didn't get fat, or use salt, or drink. He constantly asked me why I’d been gone so long somewhere, or who was I talking to on the phone, or watching what I did on the internet.
Taking your power back
by: CB

Replace all the belittling remarks with compliments to yourself. It takes strength to get out.
My husband has hidden all our money
by: Caged

I've been married for 24 years. I love my husband. Of course we don't always get along, but the main issue is his control of our finances. He has taken all our savings and checking (about 35,000) and put it in several accounts I don't have access to. I am unable to work right now because of an injury, so I literally have no money.

We have 4 children. All are grown except our 10 year old daughter. Things are not good here with all the tensions for her. I don't live close to family and will never take her away from her daddy. I don't want a divorce, but can't live this way. I know I need to find a job and get some control for myself. Does anyone know how I can get any access to our finances so I can get out for now. I don't want to move far away because I know how it feels to be that little girl taken from her daddy, but I can't live like a caged controlled animal. That's how I feel. He's not a bad person, just financially controlling. Suggestions please!!!!!!
Praying for change.
by: Josephine

My husband swears and calls me very dirty names. He has spat on me, had an affair with a woman from my bible study. He rushes home to eat supper on a stove that has been broken for three years. He tells me I am stupid and useless every single day.

I've been trying to defend myself for 23 years. Now he says that I am sickening and talk too much. He eats the dinner that I've cooked daily after swearing at me for buying the groceries to cook for him. Once he has eaten he rushes off to the TV. This has been happening for twenty years. If I sit with him and say one word that makes him unhappy he tells me to get away from him.

I've been driving the children to school for twenty for years. I live in a country without much public transport for our children to get to school. When I did try to work, he told me that the work was useless and stupid. He made a fool of me if I was acknowledged at work. He had parties in my home when I was away on work-related trips. Eventually he stopped me from working.

He has been paying all the bills, now that I am older. He is telling me to F/off daily. My heart is broken because my children have also began talking to me exactly like he does, especially when they do not get their own way. I don't think I need what he has had to offer anymore. I don't think I want his big house or his expensive car anymore. This man has played emotional games with me as well as financially manipulated me.

My youngest son is 15 years old, I need the direction and will to move on. I do not want to spend the next fifty years of my life feeling as sad as I feel.
Lost and not sure what to do!
by: Stormie

I've been with my daughter’s father since I was 19. When I first him, he was charming. I fell so in love. We moved in together and I was happy. The happiness didn't last long though. He started sleeping with all my friends and my coworkers. I got beat every time I'd question him about it. I've been spit on, busted lips, and bruised eyes and bruises all over my body. I stuck around because I was pregnant with my first child. His daughter.

As time went on it got worse. Then at the end of my pregnancy he got locked up. I was supporting him and our child and sent him all my money. However I had to work with the women he'd had affairs with. After 2 years of being loyal, I cheated on him. I wanted him to feel the pain I've felt. I wanted him to hurt. Well before he went to prison he slept with my coworker, got her pregnant and she had an abortion. I got pregnant with my son and kept him.

Now he's been out and he wants me to get an apartment with him. I’m scared to. I know he's going to hurt me. I will never forget him cheating and beating me so bad I slept in closets and walked on eggshells. I used to be normal, but I feel broken anymore. I love him. But I am scared to move in with him with 2 kids.

I keep telling myself he’ll change, but he never cares how I feel or even listens to me. He’s trying to make me quit my job and just rely upon him and move in with him. What do I do? I remember being his live-in slave. I’m seeing all these posts and I'm just scared.

Worst part is, he wants me to move far away with him. He won't come out here with me. He wants to take me out where he's at. Where I know nobody. Where I have no friends or family. I want to be with him, but it’s been almost 6 years and he’s never is going to change. I’m starting to see it. When he'd cheat on me he'd spit on me, call me worthless while treating these other women like gold. Women I work with.

I know now living with him will be worse because I had a son on him. Now it’s like I'm asking to live a life of getting beat. He threatens me that if I leave him he's going to kick my face in, he’s going to murder me. I know he will too. I’ve seen his anger.

I’m in love with an abusive man and I keep hoping for change but it will never happen. I read these posts and I see how some women moved in with these kind of men and are now unhappy, living through the abuse. I don't want to end up like that. I want to be happy. With him I doubt it will ever happen no more.

I am not a dog. I'm a woman and I deserve to be treated like it.
Party over
by: A.

Time to put your foot down and move on.
I am tired
by: Jo Jo

Hi, I have been going through verbal abuse since the time I first dated my husband. He shouts vulgarities at me when he is angry and tells me to get lost and to go and die. I was a confident person, but I feel ever since I started dating him my self-esteem is low and I began to start believing the things he said to belittle me.

Now he wants me to quit my job, which is stupid of course, because I earn more and am paying for everything in my house. And the fact is he can’t tell me to quit my job, but he said if I don’t he knows what to do.

It has always been about him. I can’t meet my friends or go for family gathering because he doesn’t want me to. I used to have friends and now I haven’t seen them for so long. And what saddens me is these friends were always there for me when I needed them. And because of him, I cannot repay them the gratitude when they want to meet. I can’t tell him things because I am worried he may not like it and shout at me.

I want to get out but am not sure because I have a 1 yr. old son.

Just thought I’d share because I feel like a failure and I do feel like giving up.
What can I do but stay.
by: Barely Hanging On

I have been married 30 years and all my life he checks everything I do or say. I have to have a witness for all my actions, and usually it’s my kids.

My husband makes sure I take one of my kids with me if I go to the shops. As they are getting older, they have refused to be dragged out with me, so he will watch the clock instead. I have to make sure I get the register receipt which will show the time I am in the shop. Once I didn’t get it and he argued with me all night.

I don’t get to know the neighbors because he will accuse me of infidelity and make us move. We have to move every year or so. Why do I stay? Well because I have no money because he controls it all and I have nowhere to go.

My youngest son will be old enough to leave school in a couple of years. I only hope I can last that long.
Read This Book, It Will Change Your Life
by: Marleena

All I can say is that my heart is with all of you. I am in a similar situation but my husband goes away for work on contracts for 2 months at a time so I get my peace in between.

I immigrated from my home country and left my whole family behind, I have two wonderful children who are in their teens. I work in my husband's business, however I have also got myself a new qualification in the health field which is opening a lot of doors for me. This is the first step into getting my own independence. I have my own bank account now (did not use to) and I also have a secret credit card in case I have to get out quickly and have access to money.

I have read tons of books but the one that comes to mind is "Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. This book was the first step in realizing that I had to do something for myself. It really opens your eyes to the absolutely crazy making behavior from these types of men and gives you potential red flags so that you do not fall for the same type again. Can you imagine leaving one marriage to get in a relationship with a similar type person?

I am still with my husband and we are "good" at the moment, I think this is because I have grown my business and it is now making a profit and he sees that I have my own independence. I am not sure if I will stay I am just taking baby steps to make myself stronger so that when I do decide to go I can support myself.

Big Internet Hug to you all, you are all amazing women and it is not your fault.
I married a control freak
by: Controlled in NY

Boy, can I relate. I've been with my husband 27 years, married for 20 years, and I'm not allowed to do absolutely anything. He controls everything, belittles me all the time, and threatens to cheat on me when something makes him mad. He treats his dog and his four kids better than he treats me. I'm at the end of my rope with him. I’m afraid to leave and not sure what to do. He makes me work all the time, and I have no say about it. I really need some advice. Trust me it gets worse.
Same here
by: Gwen

I am in same boat now after 20 years of his Horrible behavior... Just as I’m ready to leave, he starts being really nice... I'm confused!!
Still hurting
by: Anita

The more you give to a man… the more they take. I started his business and much more. I’ve known my ex for 7 years and we were married for 4. It’s so hard to divorce someone when the Love is still there. I don’t want to be with him now, but it still hurts and it feels like it will never end. I have no desire to meet anyone else because the pain is still there. I divorced him 4 years ago. I just wonder if the Love will ever die!
Tired....
by: No Way Out

I, too, have been dealing with the same thing. I've been married for 4 years, dated him for 9 years. When we got married, we both had jobs. Of course he was the bread winner, but he agreed to pay the bigger bills and I would pay the smaller ones and buy household goods. Then he got promoted. We moved away from all of our family.

Two years ago, we had our first daughter prematurely at 28 weeks. For a minute I thought that experience brought us closer together. Well the day we were finally able to bring her home, we decided that I needed to stay home with her for at least the first two years because she was on oxygen and a monitor. Well, I was getting unemployment so I still had money and he still paid the bills. Then last year we had another daughter. So, it was naturally cheaper for me to stay home with them until they start school. And I am fine with that. I love my girls.

But here is where it started; he never helps me with them or the house. I do all the work inside and outside. He used to let me use the bank account once my unemployment ran out, but now he has taken everything from me (debit cards, check books or anything that I can get money from). He gives me a 100 dollars every two weeks and tells me to make that last. He convinced me that my Altima was too small for the all four of us, especially when we visit back home, so I sold my car that was paid off and in MY name, and he got me an SUV. Or so he tells me it's mine but it's in his name.

Every Tuesday and Thursday I have to take my 2 year old to speech therapy in the mornings. So naturally when we get out, as a reward for doing good, me and the girls go to McDonalds as a treat because it's cheap and she can play and to see her little face light up makes my world go round.

Not only is he financially abusive, he is also verbally, emotionally and physically as well. I beg him not to yell at me in front of them. But he has me trapped. I have no money, no car of my own and my family is over 5 hours away and his family has more power than me. The one night I told him I was leaving he slammed me against the wall and told me that if I walked out that door that someone would find my dead, lifeless body in a ditch somewhere.
Just plain tired
by: Totally Exhausted

I have been married for 18 years to the "man of my dreams" or at least that's who I thought he was! We have five children, one of which is in heaven! I have known him for 20 years! He is a controlling, jealous and demanding man. His job requires him to wake up at 4:30 a.m. to drive an hour to get to work. I wake up at 4:00 to make his coffee, lunch and set out his clothes for the day! Since he works so far away, he has set up a security camera system, which he checks every night.

I am left to transport the kids to and from school, clean the house, and make sure dinner is on the table when he gets home. If he finds anything out if place, I am spoken to like I am an irresponsible parent, wife! I have been belittled in front of friends, made to feel like a dog that got yelled at for biting the furniture! All I have asked from him is equality. I have also been told that whoever taught me how to be a wife did a bad job.

I miss how we were several years ago. We have had a very stressful relationship for the past 15 years and its only getting worse! How can I find out what is going through his head? I'm tired of the name calling and being told to shut up.
My husband exactly
by: Anonymous

He’s only really loving and nice when he thinks I’m leaving or if I pay for everything.
Lack of understanding and a mismatch
by: Kortney

Hi....
I got married at the age of 16 and also had a kid at 17, but continued my studies till graduation. Perhaps this was possible because I stayed in my mom's home. Anyhow in spite of all this, my hubby didn't show any care, love, or affection...he just wanted money and he treated me like a prostitute... and all my family members suffered because of him as well. Now I’m going on 8 years of the worst journey with him. Should I get a divorce from him? One more thing, I’m now jobless and we no longer live in my Mom’s house.
Modern slavery
by: J in Colorado

Hi,
Am 36 years old and have been married for 15 years and have two kids. My husband has been cheating on me on a constant basis since I met him. I chose to ignore it awhile, but I couldn't any longer. He also started physically abusing me and calling me names. He treats me more like a slave and he never says he loves, holds my hand, or says anything good about me.

Last year I wanted a divorce after I caught him with two women who were our working colleagues. And he had beaten me so bad I was bed ridden for two weeks. He begged me to stay and promised he was going to change. But just a month after that he’s still the same. Always complains and never helps in the house. Is he capable of changing at all? I’ve not experienced real affection with this man!
I wish I could leave but where to?
by: Elena

I have been married for 3 years. I have put up with my husband visiting prostitutes. I have put up with him swearing and cursing me. I try my best to keep quiet. But he will fight about anything and I do everything for him. As soon as a woman’s car needs to get fixed, he treats me like a dog or worse. Where can I turn for help?
Woman's Divorce Page
by: Anita

Reading your articles helps me so much. I went through a Divorce a year ago and it still hurts my heart. Relating to the others helps me to realize so many have been there and come out for the best. It encourages me a lot. Your website has been the counselor I needed, but is free. Money is tight after the divorce and one income. Your website is fantastic!
FULL OF EGO
by: Angelica

My husband is so egotistical and is controlling to the extreme. I can’t even have an adult conversation with him. He always has to have the upper-hand. I no longer enjoy taking walks with him because he mistreats me and yells at me. I smile on the outside to hide the deep pain inside. I do my best to make him feel comfortable, and he always finds fault in me. He gives me very little affection. All I want is a hug or a kiss.

I love to communicate about different issues. I believe he is intimidated by my conversation. He talks about how great his conversation is when he goes out, but never shares his thoughts with me. I no longer feel love for him like I used to. I'm fed up with his controlling behavior. He's never wrong about anything, and always complementing himself and putting me down. I sing, write poetry, and enjoy having conversations with other people. It's time for me to let him go!
To: Being in a Controlled Marriage
by: Anne Marie

Hello, Carol Ann

I am the person to whom you refer as writing first. I did so appreciate your comments, and I can certainly sympathize with your plight.

My husband controlled me and emotionally abused me for 30 years. Men like that use tactics similar to brainwashing to accomplish this feat. Their wives "walk on eggshells" all the time, because they learn the hard way that dissension will have some very bad consequences, usually angry and ugly shouting and cursing episodes, belittling, and dismissal of one's thoughts and feelings. Oh, it makes a woman so drained, so fearful, and so stressed. Over time, you can just lose your hope, your dreams, and your identity.

I did stay...because I didn't understand the nature of this "relationship" until I had counseling at a local Women's Resource Center. I also stayed for the sake of my children, but I wonder now what example that set for them or how scarred they might be from their father's "example."

As my later posts indicate, I am now divorced and back at home. Yes, there have been huge costs, both financial and emotional. Yet, I have been divorced for only six months now, and I know that the road will get smoother. My days are calmer now. I don't live in fear any more, and I do not dread coming home any longer. You see, my ex-husband stole much from me over the course of 30 years, but I would never let him have my soul or my heart. Somehow, I managed to keep my dignity, as well as my self-respect while his (if it ever existed) just disintegrated. I am proud of that...so very proud.

I wish you well and hope that you come to a conclusion which will satisfy you. However, from experience, I can say that men like these won't ever change. They don't even think they have a problem, and they see only their own needs. He told me he loved me when I filed for divorce, but I knew it wasn't true. Love doesn't hurt the way he made me hurt. It shouldn't...ever.

Please contact your local agencies for assistance in counseling. I'm sure there is a Women's Resource Center near you. They helped me. I hope they can help you, too.

Best wishes.
Being in a controlled marriage
by: Carol Ann

"Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom."
Marilyn Ferguson

Ladies, congratulation! I am proud of you. To the lady who wrote first: it was like reading my own life…Yes, my husband digs in the trash and picks the stuff out, stuff that I put there "incorrectly". I learned to throw my trash just before the service picks it up, so he doesn’t see it. I learned to walk on eggshells. I learned not to eat from the to-go box, but use a plate and separate fork. I learned to "hide" in the room for the weekends. I don’t laugh anymore…

The finances are completely controlled by my husband; I have no access to anything. He bought a nice house before the marriage and has a wealthy income. I currently don’t work because I’m finishing my internship and taking classes in the evening. I live on my savings and what my mom sends. He still likes to comment on what I’m buying. I learned to hide stuff, including food. He doesn’t yell, curse, or drink but he also doesn't have friends, interests, or the need to do anything together.

My situation is classic; no money, time, and place to go. Fear is big; I am a deer in the headlights! Should I wait until I finish school and find a job or should I file for divorce now, including temporary spousal support and application fee waiver? With a job, I wouldn’t be eligible for that. I have only been married for a year, but have known him for 5 years.

Please don’t ask me why I married him…we all here made this mistake. We don’t have kids, thank the Lord! I hope I will still have a chance to bear children someday…I am not afraid to be alone or die alone. "Better to come home alone than come home and wish to be alone."
The Control Is Gone Now
by: Anne Marie

Hello,

I just wanted to let everyone know that my divorce has been finalized. I feel so free, so unburdened, and so happy.

For all of you married to a controlling man, I would like to say from my experience that:

1. He will make you wait forever for the divorce. (I had to wait two years.)

2. If you filed first, he will make you pay for the house appraisals. He will not cooperate with his lawyer or yours.

3. He will cash in or hide any money or assets unless you take your half first or freeze the accounts.

4. He will turn your children and friends against you.

5. If you think he has already taken everything from you in marriage, he will steal everything he can from you in a divorce.

6. The legal battle will be long, expensive, and unfair in the end.

7. BUT LADIES, the end result is worth it. He can never do anything more to you...ever. He can never take anything more...ever. EVER! It is a nice word.

I am finally home in my house again (after a year and a half). It wasn't cheap, but being here alone is priceless. I sit on my deck, watch my dog run in the yard, and savor the peace and the quiet. No more yelling, pounding on the table, or cursing (Oh, "F" was his favorite word).

I wish you all well along this journey. I will keep all of you in my prayers. However, remember that if you had enough strength to file for a divorce, you certainly have enough strength to face the trials. Deciding to leave was the most difficult step, and you already took it.
Just do it…
by: Anonymous

To Lindsay who wrote "Married for 34 years"... You just get fed up enough with all the garbage you have put up with, are putting up with, and will put up with for the next 34 years and say "I am over this!!" I need a normal and healthy life. See an attorney and get the details. See more than 1 attorney, get names from friends and talk to others who have gone through this.

I am ending my 27 year marriage. I have good days and bad days. I work and those are my best days. Weekends are not so good so far. But I have lots of support from family and friends. I feel like I am such a whiner, but everyone has assured me to keep the talk coming until it all goes away. I have been assured it will get better. I read these sites also and that helps when I don't want to bother my friends or family. Good luck.
Dying Alone / Controlling Marriage
by: Naomi

LOL! What a great comment. It brings so much humor, as well as realism to the topic of a controlling marriage. Yes.... why should he care if you died, when he never cared if you lived???? I have never thought of the situation that way before, but it is so true. Perhaps we should reverse the equation to say that YOU should care to live, not die inch by inch in a controlling and demeaning "marriage."

Living...really living...is the greatest reward, as well as the greatest revenge. These men who think you can't live without them? Kick them to the curb, put on your red dress, and DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY!

I believe in tomorrow. I believe in myself. I believe in all of you, too!

So, let's go chase some rainbows! They do exist...and so do we.
Dying alone
by: Justine

Don't worry about dying alone...you are already dead -- living in a situation like that! Do you really think that he will "be there" for you when you are dying? And do you really want him to be there making you feel like a dying dog?!? Just imagine being ill, especially if it is long-term, and him supposedly taking care of you. Good grief. If you can't do anything right while living just think how wrong you'll do things dying. So what really do you have to lose?
I Got Tired of Being Controlled
by: Naomi

Dear LookingAhead,

You go girl! I love your attitude, your strength, and your spirit. Yes, I agree. Life is filled with more possibilities, more joy, and more love than can ever exist in a controlling marriage.

I hope you find your rainbow, and I hope I find mine, too.
Don't look back
by: LookingAhead

I have been married 27 years and have filed for divorce. It is difficult but for the first time in years I feel optimistic about my future, excited. I have a very good job so I am lucky that way. I am not afraid to die alone. I have a few friends and 2 great kids and a supportive family. Don't look back, and don't add too many "what ifs" to your vocabulary. I would rather die alone than remain married and die lonely. Get a dog or a cat, go walking, smile and look ahead, don't look back.
It's their problem.
by: Courtney

I am in the same boat as you are, but only for 2 1/2 years of marriage. I’ve known my husband for 4 1/2 years total. He treated me like a slave after 2 years of marriage and I could do nothing right. He made me feel 2 feet tall.

I filed for divorce in July of this year. I love him with all my heart, but neither I (nor anyone else) deserves to be belittled and treated like a dog. It was the hardest thing to do but when I hurt in my heart from loving him, I quickly think of the nasty way he treated me. For me it's hard to feel anger, just hurt. I feel it’s a problem within them... not us women.
I Got Tired of Being Controlled
by: Anne Marie

Dear Lindsay,

Yes, it does take courage to walk away from a long-term marriage. It was most difficult to face my children. However, I was more scared of living another 20 years in a controlling, angry, and distant relationship. No, I am not afraid of dying alone because I am tired of essentially living alone without conversation, warmth, or respect. I just know that life has more to offer me and that I deserve more.

I have other people in my life who truly love and respect me. My friends and my family have been really supportive. I am hopeful, you know, for the first time in decades. Someday soon, I know I will have peace and beauty in my life. I can make my own decisions, do as I please, and finally grow as a person and as a woman.

I would suggest you see a lawyer, discuss your case, and gain information about your divorce assets. Most lawyers offer a half hour free consultation.

Believe that you are worth more and you will get it.

Best of luck to you
34 Years
by: Lindsay

Please tell me how you did this...after 30 years. How did you find the courage? Do you worry about dying alone? Are you scared? Do you worry that you will lose your job and then what will you do? I'm in this boat now and have been married for 34 years. How do I walk out of 34 years of marriage? Please help.

Post reply

Return to Your Reasons For Divorce.