Too little too late

by Tara
(Canada)

Years ago, we lost a very good friend to suicide and my husband never recovered from the loss. He slowly slipped into drinking, anger and eventually inconsolable depression. Our love life dwindled into nothing along with the rest of our life.

At first, I was very understanding as I too was extremely sad over the loss of our friend; however as I recovered I watched him stay stuck in the same spot and instead of turning to me for support he got lost in work and the bottle. I tried to encourage him to go to counseling, and after years of arguments about it, he finally agreed, only to stop going after the first session because he thought the counselor was too young. Ultimately, he was lost in depression and I stopped trying.

I found myself losing touch with him ever so slowly. He became increasingly apathetic and refused to participate in, not only our life, but his own as well, which led to many fights and me eventually just starting to live my life on my own; until one day I was at a dance with my sister and her boyfriend and was watching all the couples dance and realized I was alone, and that I had been for a long time.

About a year and a half ago my husband and I agreed that we'd stopped being a couple and were just really great roommates, so decided to seek counseling together. Unfortunately, my husband's original ideas about counseling had not changed, so I found myself again doing the majority of the work with an apathetic partner. Eventually, I decided to seek out an apartment on my own.

When I moved, he helped me and was sad but supportive. At first we tried separation as a 'test' to introduce shock into the marriage and try harder together, but I was too far gone. I didn't trust him when he said he was interested and didn't respond well to his attempts; it was 'too little too late" for me. I still feel guilty for not 'sticking it out', but trying with no response from him all this time has worn me out. I say to people, "You can only yell at a brick wall for so long; eventually you get a sore throat."

There were things we both did that contributed to the breakdown of our marriage; lots of factors, apathy, loss of trust, passiveness, breakdown in communication etc. - all these contributed to a marriage that was unfulfilling and made both of us feel unworthy and unloved. In the end, I am thankful that we didn't drag it out War Of The Roses style for years and years; I hope to forgive myself for not continuing to try; and I hope to heal and learn more about myself.