He Crushed My Spirit
by Tired and Hopeless
We have been married for two years and I would like to think we have a pretty good relationship in spite of our occasional arguments. But things between him and I started to change after I had the baby six months ago.
During the pregnancy I always felt that he could have done more, to educate himself so that we can make better choices, and better raised our baby. After taking a Lamaze class that we can barely afford, I told him I wanted to take additional classes to help me prepare for the baby like breastfeeding classes and preparatory classes to take care of the baby. After all, I was going to be a first time mother. But he didn't want me to, maybe it was for financial reasons, but if it was, he could've at least bought resources for me to read or do something. He didn't even do much research himself, anyway...
The baby arrives and no one told me how exhausted I was going to feel after birth. Arriving at home, I didn't really have anyone to help me care for me or the baby. My husband was tired, and then he didn't have any paternity leave, and he was a first time father himself. So I wanted my mother to come and help take care of me and get me on my feet the first few weeks, but my husband refused to let her stay at our apartment to help me because of the family conflict on my side of the family and the fact that she has been disrespectful to my husband by making racial comments. Despite the family drama, I needed someone to take care of me and he obviously didn't know how, but he could've let go of his pride and do what was best for me, I even told him I want my mom here, but he acted as if he didn't really care.
I had trouble breastfeeding my baby; I was only able to do that for a week or so because I was not getting enough rest, stressing over family, I was still a full-time student that had to attend class via webcam after 2 weeks post-birth with homework to turn in, and my husband ... busy at work. I found myself cleaning the bathroom, scrubbing the oven, and trying to keep the house sterile for the baby even when I could barely walk. My husband still didn't get the picture. This post-partum depression is starting to become more about depression in this marriage.
2 months after having the baby, I had to go to intern for the summer. One day while the baby was with me at work, on the way home, I had to stop by the gas station to put gas in the car because he "forgot" to put gas in the van and the baby was crying frantically, I didn't know what to do. I called my husband to come and get me because I couldn't drive and calm the baby down. I waited for 30 minutes did not see him. I called him again to see where he was. He was at a "mandatory fun" dinner for his job. He was not going to come and help me, so I had to call my supervisor to come and get me, she was kind of enough to do so, but I was so disappointed and so embarrassed.
And until this day we have arguments. I tried telling him I need help. I'm obviously depressed, crying every week since the middle of my pregnancy. He continues to put his work first. He doesn't care about what I have to say anymore. He is inconsiderate about my well-being and emotions and things I'm going through. And so far, today while I was having a crying episode because I couldn't get my homework done because the baby was fussy and crying from teething, he told to just "get over it already!" This is what drove me to look up this site. I want to leave my husband. I feel like a single mother anyway. And he keeps telling me it’s my fault. I'm always in the wrong about things. I'm married to a husband who is supposed to love me, provide for me, protect me, and care for me, but instead I'm miserably alone. He has totally crushed my spirit by his words and actions towards me.
I don't know how much longer I can hang in there. I can't talk to anyone else because I'm ashamed to admit that my marriage is not perfect. Help please ... losing hope.