From love to abuse

by Beth
(Pittsburgh, Pa)

He went from loving me to abusing me. I have only been married 6 months but it is a marriage that should have never happened.

My husband and I have been together, on and off for 5 years and have a 3 year old little girl. We got back together in June 2 years ago after a year-long split. The split was because I was suffering from PPD after having my daughter and he supported me through the entire episode.

Throughout that year neither one of us dated another person and before long, knew we wanted to be together. So after 2 months of being back together, he found out he was leaving for a 7 month deployment to Afghanistan. He left in August for 8 months. At this time our daughter and I still lived with my parents, so it was going to be okay.

I was so excited for him to return in April, I practically ran to his arms. Before long, we bought a house, furnished it and I was able to quit my teaching job to stay with our daughter, since his job kept us financially secure. But not long after he returned, his kind and loving attitude towards me (that has always been that way, even when I called off the marriage one time prior) changed into childlike behavior.

He started yelling at me when I would ask simple questions. Then he progressed by giving me the middle finger during these arguments until, before long, I was being called an ass, worthless, and a bitch weekly. Our wedding was approaching in September and I wanted this to work so badly, I brushed it off as nerves for him and kept planning. I was getting 'used' to the name calling and figured this was the way for him to blow off steam.

A month ago, I asked a question about the bathroom we were remodeling and he freaked. Saying every swear word to me and then stunning me by calling me a cunt. After he did that, I went upstairs to really see his issue and as the argument progressed, he slapped me across the face with the sweatshirt in his hand. I went downstairs to where I was finishing wiping the floors on my hands and knees and he came by and put all his weight in the middle of my back. (I am 29 and have 4 tears in my back and had a back surgery in July which failed to where it is hard to function without medication). That, to me, was the ultimate physical abuse.

Anyhow, at that moment I knew this was getting worse and worse. As this started to progress in the summer months, I asked him at least 20 times if he needed therapy from being overseas. He denied it, denied it, and denied it. I didn’t care what the problem was, I knew that I did not feel safe anymore and I was tired of being treated this way. So, I asked him to leave. I told him that he could move out or I would call the cops and they would move him out.

That was a month ago. Once he was gone, so many things in my life changed for the better. I was being more active, working harder towards my Masters, smiling and laughing more, just everything was better. He has started to get help and he said that he was making progress, but that doesn’t work on the feelings, or lack thereof, that I have for him.

He has slowly chipped at my love for him to the point that I truly am not in love with him any longer. He keeps throwing in my face that he has stuck by me when I went through rough times, and he is right, but that was HIS choice, I didn’t make him feel bad to do that. Also, I just found out from my very best friend, he called her yesterday to verify that I was with her when I told him I was (he has convinced himself I am seeing other men, which I would never do because I am simply not like that AT ALL).....

I am truly done after I heard that. I can’t do this drama anymore. There are so many behavior preceptors that it scares me (I am currently working on my Masters/Ph.D. in Education, so behavior is one of my specialties). I don’t feel like I am over-reacting. He was not in a combat zone overseas so that doesn’t make sense. Also, I am the ONLY one that this anger effects… not his family, not his friends, not his workplace.

When is enough, enough?
I need advice...please

Comments for From love to abuse

Post reply

by: Anonymous

My ex broke up with me, then would not leave me alone. He called me 18 times, calling me horrible names. Worthless and terrible. I believe this is his true behavior and this would happen anytime he became angry. Am I wrong?

I am a foreigner married to an abusive man
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry to hear that your marriage is going down the drain. I am in the same situation. You deserve better and you child needs a better role model.

I dated this man for 5 years and we married last year. After we married he became a paranoid, alcoholic (drinks beers and more beers, He cannot have water if he goes out, he has to be drinking like a pig), and a nasty person.

He has hit me (I have bruised arms) and calls me horrible names. He has thrown me out of the car. When I have asked him to leave me he wouldn't do it, and says that this is not my country and I have to leave. He should just leave me and do the divorce paperwork, because he is not a good man.

I work hard, earn and spend my own money, all the bills are paid in half, although I paid most of the extra stuff because he earns less than me. As I work, he says that I sleep with my colleagues. He says it in the most disgusting languages saying that my legs are open for other men etc.

He leaves me alone when he is with friends and then blames me for not reporting where I am. If I do not tell him where I am, he throws a scene. He sells himself like if he was the perfect man and if I was the sour one. I know that I do not have anyone here and he takes advantage of it. His family supports him and they do not give a dam about me.

I just trust God and hope HE gives me strength to leave my husband. I know I deserve better, I have never cheated, I do not have kids, and I need someone who looks after me and supports me not someone who abuses me.

Ditch them - change is virtually impossible
by: Anonymous

I'm just leaving my husband of not even 2 years. It used to happen before the wedding and I put it down to his drinking - which was excessive binging, but he'd been dry for 8 months and he still did it. Everything, especially the way he felt, was my fault (past boyfriends, not being sexually interested - no wonder, almost anything really) and he used the most 'colorful' language. Recently an expensive holiday abroad when he spoiled yet another Christmas day, threatened to leave and called me a c and bitch yet again.... something snapped in me and I'm in the process of throwing him out. He has something wrong with his reasoning, needs help but won't get it… Sad but I need to have the nastiness out of my life now. I feel better already (although I am lucky having no kids to him and a decent job). Why do they think that behavior is ok???

What to do?
by: Jenn

I just read this while searching for different things I might end up answering my own question here. My current (2nd) husband goes through what I call the "only child syndrome". He is an only child, and did serve in the military. He has a habit of finding fault with the world, and blaming me or my adult daughter. This evening, he went so far as to call my adult daughter (whom he calls his own) a "c*nt". All over a phone survey....he claims that because we answer surveys, this is why we get weird calls to the house. Ok...maybe so. But really? You call your proclaimed daughter the "C" word over this? She is just of voting age...interested in the issues...wants to participate in the heat of the debate.

I love this man, but cannot condone him calling my daughter this, and demeaning her in this way. He has no idea the impact this has on a young woman.

Stay or go?

He is probably cheating on you
by: Anonymous

My boyfriend did exactly the same thing, sudden childish behavior, abuse, threats, he even kidnapped me and all this was because he cheated and started a serious relationship with someone else behind my back, while lying about it even now, almost ten years later. He is married to her now but should be in jail. Beware because he tried to kill me for the other woman and men are capable of this. I have seen the pictures of them together and he was spending all his money on her, taking her places, leaving me alone, lying, and waiting for him to show up. Your man is probably leading a double life.

Anyway, that's my experience, maybe yours is entirely different.

LEAVE, leave, leave, leave!!!!
by: anonymous

I'm working on leaving my current abusive, cruel, and heartless pr*ck. LEAVE, leave, leave, leave!!!!

I've tried several times. Each time he treats me exactly the same disrespectful way. You'll never get through to his infant mentality.

Next move is out the door for me. They beat you down so much. Every toothpick out of place is an issue with them.

No excuse for abuse
by: Anonymous

There is absolutely no excuse for abuse. Do not allow this to continue and get out now. Don't let yourself make excuses for him. I understand how hard it is but you owe it to yourself to get on with the rest of your life without these feelings of dread all the time. I speak from experience, by the way. Good luck.

Replying to "marriage is a 2 way street"
by: Anonymous

Don’t listen to this person. What he/she says is toxic and dangerous. Shit happens, it really does. My childhood wasn’t the most loving and happy environment you would expect a child to have, but I’m not abusing people!

My boyfriend and I had similar childhoods, the difference between my boyfriend and me is that I see myself as a victor, and he sees himself as a victim and uses his past as an excuse to abuse people and even me. I love this guy with all my heart. But I say "NO" to being abused! You can love someone and not let them hurt you. I plan to break up with my boyfriend very soon.

To the person who has tried to say you have some growing up to do; everyone has growing up to do. And I just want to promise you this: You did the best thing you possibly can do for your daughter. You are amazing; don’t settle for an abuser! You don’t want your daughter thinking that a toxic relationship like that is OK and normal.

Terrible things can happen, and do happen to most people, that is an explanation as to why someone is the way they are, not justification. So he went to Afghanistan, probably has PTSD. OK, that makes sense as to why he is being the way he is, however, abusing you is wrong. And it’s not your fault he was deployed! You don't need to pay for what others have gone through. Make yourself happy so you can make those you care about happy. Never let anyone abuse you. He is sick.

Marriage is a two way street.
by: Anonymous

Sounds like you never truly loved this guy in the first place. Yes it is wrong for him to put you down and yes it is definitely wrong for him to physically abuse you. However, you said he was always loving and supportive before he came home from being deployed, so obviously something has affected him in such a way that has changed him. Even if he was not in the combat zone he has been constantly around people who I can guarantee would not be providing the kind of loving supportive environment you would expect. It is also very hard to get used to living in a domestic situation when you have been living in such a rigid environment as your husband has. Sometimes you need to step back as a wife, make sure your daughter is safe and be a friend. It sounds like you need some time to grow up so hopefully you won’t teach your daughter to make the same childish mistakes you have. Good luck to all of you!

Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft
by: Anonymous

Read this book it tells you exactly what goes on in the minds of angry and controlling men I read it and it was an eye-opener.
It describes my life exactly and I'm sure he describes the lives of many women on the board as I have read their stories and they seem to match this book.

From love to abuse
by: Anonymous

ENOUGH!!!!!!!NOW!!!!!! Looks like your heart has already answered your question and you are better for it. Just keep going and don't look back. You don't owe him anything, like you said he chose to stay and you didn't. If he treats you like that he doesn't know how to love someone and if he's ever going to figure it out it's going to take a long time. You have a big, beautiful life ahead, so don't look back just live it

From abuse to true love… It’s your choice
by: GALE H.

Well it sounds like you just need to read your story. You answered it, enough is enough! Continue to grow and blossom like the beautiful woman god has intended you to be. Trust me gods plan is to send you a man of god. We got to prepare for it!! When a man calls you names, he's not deserving of you. Ask yourself would god call us or his wife that? Heck no! When you fall in love it should be a man of god, if he loves god, he'll for sure know how to love you the way you deserve. I'm learning to love him myself and once I truly get it, I will not settle for any men calling me bitch, whore, slut, and a CUNT! I WOULD HAVE BROKEN HIS MOUTH THEN KICKED HIM OUT BACK IN THE DAY! BUT NOW, I WOULD JUST SAY THANKS. KILL HIM WITH KINDNESS. DON'T ARGUE JUST DO. YOU SOUND LIKE YOU KNOW A LOT. PUT YOU FRIST. YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF NO MAN IF YOU END UP SICK OR DEAD. YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH ALREADY. BUT BLESS YOU. I'LL PRAY FOR YOU, GOOD LUCK.

Post reply

Return to Your Reasons For Divorce.