From love to abuse

by Beth
(Pittsburgh, Pa)

He went from loving me to abusing me. I have only been married 6 months but it is a marriage that should have never happened.


My husband and I have been together, on and off for 5 years and have a 3 year old little girl. We got back together in June 2 years ago after a year-long split. The split was because I was suffering from PPD after having my daughter and he supported me through the entire episode.

Throughout that year neither one of us dated another person and before long, knew we wanted to be together. So after 2 months of being back together, he found out he was leaving for a 7 month deployment to Afghanistan. He left in August for 8 months. At this time our daughter and I still lived with my parents, so it was going to be okay.

I was so excited for him to return in April, I practically ran to his arms. Before long, we bought a house, furnished it and I was able to quit my teaching job to stay with our daughter, since his job kept us financially secure. But not long after he returned, his kind and loving attitude towards me (that has always been that way, even when I called off the marriage one time prior) changed into childlike behavior.

He started yelling at me when I would ask simple questions. Then he progressed by giving me the middle finger during these arguments until, before long, I was being called horrible names on a weekly bases. Our wedding was approaching in September and I wanted this to work so badly, I brushed it off as nerves for him and kept planning. I was getting 'used' to the name calling and figured this was the way for him to blow off steam.

A month ago, I asked a question about the bathroom we were remodeling and he freaked. Saying every swear word to me and then stunning me by calling me a really derogatory name. After he did that, I went upstairs to really see his issue and as the argument progressed, he slapped me across the face with the sweatshirt in his hand. I went downstairs to where I was finishing wiping the floors on my hands and knees and he came by and put all his weight in the middle
of my back. (I am 29 and have 4 tears in my back and had a back surgery in July which failed to where it is hard to function without medication). That, to me, was the ultimate physical abuse.

Anyhow, at that moment I knew this was getting worse and worse. As this started to progress in the summer months, I asked him at least 20 times if he needed therapy from being overseas. He denied it, denied it, and denied it. I didn’t care what the problem was, I knew that I did not feel safe anymore and I was tired of being treated this way. So, I asked him to leave. I told him that he could move out or I would call the cops and they would move him out.

That was a month ago. Once he was gone, so many things in my life changed for the better. I was being more active, working harder towards my Masters, smiling and laughing more, just everything was better. He has started to get help and he said that he was making progress, but that doesn’t work on the feelings, or lack thereof, that I have for him.

He has slowly chipped at my love for him to the point that I truly am not in love with him any longer. He keeps throwing in my face that he has stuck by me when I went through rough times, and he is right, but that was HIS choice, I didn’t make him feel bad to do that. Also, I just found out from my very best friend, he called her yesterday to verify that I was with her when I told him I was (he has convinced himself I am seeing other men, which I would never do because I am simply not like that AT ALL)...

I am truly done after I heard that. I can’t do this drama anymore. There are so many predictors of violent behavior that it scares me (I am currently working on my Masters/Ph.D. in Education, so behavior is one of my specialties). I don’t feel like I am over-reacting. He was not in a combat zone overseas so that doesn’t make sense. Also, I am the ONLY one that this anger effects… not his family, not his friends, not his workplace.

When is enough, enough?
I need advice...please

Comments for From love to abuse

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Be grateful you got out & heal
by: Callie

I read your story. I get called the C-word frequently. I pay for everything and care for everyone. But still get called most hurtful and damaging name. I have worked for and asked for and written on a wall with a sharpie asking for a divorce. 99.999% of our home is from my family, we have a second home I bought to be near his found son from his first marriage. I’ve also had to help pay bond, etc. One year he needed $8k for income taxes on short notice. I moved heaven and earth to help him. He was supposed to repay me; he swore he would. One day I found a kind of stupid love for him and said "I’ll forgive the $8k if you never call me the C word again, but I’ll charge $1k for every time you call me that name. It took one week to reach $8k. Still, he never paid me back. We’re still married and it is destroying me.
Stay Strong
by: Deed

Hi, the fact that he sat on your back knowing you had back surgery was so calculated and cruel to me I feel you can never go back to him. He is dangerous, and this will only escalate. He may be nice at first again, but this time it will be much worse, maybe risking yours or your child's life.
It sounds like you are doing so much better without him, and I admire you so much for having the courage to tell him to leave. Stay strong in your convictions
Monster
by: Marjorie

I always called my husband a man-child. The first 4 years of being together he would hang out with his friend a lot after work. He asked me to marry him, and I said just move in with me and we’ll see how we are doing. The first 3 months were good, then he started staying out all night supposedly at his friend’s house (which could have been true since I used to drive by all of the time). Then he met a new group of people and started doing drugs and he just wanted money from me. At that time I melted in my heart when I would see him or talk to him.

After a while, he was always in a hurry to get home if we went out, and he would leave after getting money from me (which at that time I loved him, so I didn’t mind). Then after my mom died he became this evil person. He would destroy things and not care. My house is a wreck and things started breaking. One time I came home and water was on the floor and he had just sat down, so I know he had to have seen the water. Of course he did, because he took the hose off of the hot water heater and sat there as I was cleaning everything up.

He would be gone for days at a time with no phone call. He then told me about his dealer Lisa, with a smile on his face. One time her main dealer was looking for her to rough her up and my husband actually called me and asked if Lisa could stay at our house so he could protect her. I said "what about me?" This person knew where we lived, but he didn’t care to protect me.

My husband was mentally and emotionally abusing me every day. I caught him in inappropriate situations with a couple of skanks, but he wound deny it of course. I stopped being intimate with him because of all this behavior. Any "Normal" man would have left if he wasn't getting any, not him. He physically and sexually assaulted me one time, and I was so distraught that I had chest pain and couldn’t breathe. He said "get over here and finish, you’re not dying. Oh never mind, you don’t know what you’re doing, I will just get it somewhere else". The next day I had cried so much that the vessels in my eye had popped.

I started giving him money every day so that he would leave for the night, so that I wouldn’t be abused. So now I have been financially abused. All of the money that I worked so hard for since I was 18 is all gone. The money from my mom’s estate is also gone and he could care less. Since he has no money, his friends don’t want him around anymore. So he is home all of the time, and he does not work or help around the house. I go to the pawn shops every day after working so I can have money for him (if not, it’s an evening of hell). He gets mad when I take his stuff to pawn, but yet he wants money and I am to find it.

I hate him and I can understand why women kill. I didn’t say that I am doing something like that, I just said that I understand. He has ruined my life, I am all alone in this world and nobody will help me, not even my best friend. I almost lost my home to foreclosure (I suspect it will eventually happen). I could care less about living. I get up and go to work so that I can take care of my animals. Oh and I suspect that he killed my mom’s dog Candy and little Jackie wasn’t dying fast enough, so he broke her neck.
Verbally abusive
by: Abbey

I've been with my husband for 34 years and he's 14 years older than me. He has always called me names from the start. I do everything for him every day, yet day after day he still disrespects me verbally. I get called every rude word in the book.

Then when he's in an okay mood he'll say, "I love you soooo much" ALL DAY! He'll grab my privates, squeezing me like a bear. It's weird, in a drop of a hat if I say or do something he doesn't like I get called a name!

You would think things would get better in life not worse or he would grow out of his abusive behavior.
You're in a relationship with a narcissist.
by: Cathy sunshine

One word for all the above... Narcissist. Look it up. It’s sounds like everyone of them are a narcissist. I have been married to one for 25 years and I am saving $ to leave. Please look up narcissist and all your questions will be answered. They are pure evil. Stay away from him.
So proud of you; my message is meant to be supportive, not offensive
by: Ashley

Unfortunately, I do not have any advice from personal experiences because I have never been married before. I dream of getting married in the next couple of years and I just wanted to read about verbal abuse so that I could understand how I could prevent myself from ever tolerating any kind of abuse in all of my future arguments, etc. Your story actually gave ME advice... You are a strong, strong woman.

Several people in my life have tolerated the verbal form of abuse. Sometimes I have witnessed progress in the man’s behavior, and when the man has changed it has been due to them learning their ability to control their anger or temptations a bit better by educating themselves.

You might be thinking: How will you know if your ex-husband will treat you right after a second chance/does he deserve it? Are you willing to risk your mental health and child’s health for this experiment? Why do you want to consider being with this person; what can he even DO for you?

As selfish as it sounds, your life is NOT about his feelings and him wanting the second chance with you. Think about your beautiful freedom from his abuse.

I’ve witnessed men change, or not change. Either way, the victim of the abuse was always damaged somehow, believing they’re stupid and have low confidence, and the victim can be really broken deep down inside. It is beautiful when people can recover from this. Such as your story.

This low self-esteem of the victim will affect every aspect of their life (for God knows how long), which is why we must stop tolerating certain behavior EXACTLY as you did. There’s no way you should give him a second chance if you realize he has not changed. You will put yourself through a vicious cycle if you are accepting the behavior again, at any degree. I’d say to just listen to yourself if you trust your own judgment, regarding whether to reconnect or not (because he is the father of your child), but still remaining VERY, VERY distant from this man.

I cannot let go of the thought of a grown man putting his foot on his wife’s back to intentionally harm her, or verbally abusing her and then expecting to return as if everything is ok. I believe we tend to put up with things we shouldn’t because we lack the confidence and don’t practice self-love or things of that sort. This man clearly did not respect you. And probably had issues of his own that may or may not return. And I am upset that he says he has always been there for you, as if he wants to guilt you (I have witnessed this SO many times) for leaving him (when you feel happier than ever).

He was not THERE FOR YOU when he harmed you verbally and physically. My point is our partners will sometimes manipulate us, disrespect us, and take advantage of us. Life is too short and already full of enough bad stuff to allow more unnecessary problems into it and we CANNOT allow that. I’m glad you know this. You are in control. So take control of your life by making the best decisions for yourself and your loved ones. Good luck.
Why, why!
by: Shauna

My husband is always calling me a B (if you get what I mean)! Why? I do a lot for him. I’m always trying my best on everything I do. Why is he so mean to me? I am getting so tired of getting treated this way. I’m miserable but hoping he changes. I wish I had a loving husband. God please help me!
Broken
by: CJ

All the stories sound the same, yet we only see it clearly when it’s someone else. I say this, being the one who is making excuses for my partner because she is actually amazing when she’s not yelling at me and calling me horrible names. So what if she says "go marry your cousin" that’s because she is insecure and wants to insult me. So what if she says "you are not a ride or die, you will leave eventually" that’s because she’s insecure and she loves me. So what if she puts me down, that’s only when we talk about my STD I could have gotten from any of my exes, so clearly I deserve it. So what if she locked me out on my balcony to burn in the sun for 5 hours, she says all I had to do was say I wanted to come inside. So what if she charges against me, she hasn’t actually hit me since the time she grabbed me by the neck, slammed me into the wall, slammed me on the floor, and pushed me so hard from behind when I was running from her; no it hasn’t happened again since then. So what if she screams at me almost every other day, she also wines and dines me and gives me gifts like no other.

I’ve made excuses for her for the past 2 years. And it will be hard to end a 12 year relationship. But I am leaving. Regardless of how much shaming and blaming I will get for doing so.

Stop making excuses, if you are online looking at abuse topics you are in an abusive relationship. Leave.
I'm truly sorry to hear this
by: Jeremy

I'm truly sorry to hear this.

Yes, I'm living through it right now. The only difference is in my family, my wife is the first to anger, first to judge, and first to yell and scream.

I can't count the nights I've comforted my daughter to sleep or the number of nights she's held me accountable for some action she started. I no longer find it easy to find humor in things, even if others claim I'm funny.

I'm just empty.
It started on our wedding day
by: S.

He got angry and called me the B word four times before departing for our wedding ceremony.
To Gale H
by: Laci

My husband has been calling me horrible names for the last two days. Over and over again. We've been married for one year, we've been together for 7 years. I never thought it would be like this.

I am doing the same thing as you are. I am trying to just let him call me these names and kill him with kindness until I know what to do next. Good luck!
You lose who you are
by: Scarlett

I have been in an abusive relationship for so long and it has worn me down so much that a lot of times I can’t think clearly anymore. We have been married 8 years and he has called me the b or c word weekly if not daily. I start to question what I am doing to make him like this. He has given me black eyes, cracked the back of my skull open from throwing a candle at me as I fled. Kicked me from behind to where I fell and split my nose open. I never went to the hospital. I was too worried about him to do so. He honestly felt worried and told me to go but instead, I glued it with bandage glue and asked him to hold my wound together for me to do it. I do think I have my faults though. He can be so great but so dark. I wish I had a support system. It has gone on for so long that it’s hard to feel outraged by any of this...
Mental
by: Dealing with it in Alabama

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 15 years and I am so unhappy. I know he's a verbally abusive person. Not just to me but whoever upsets him. He constantly is swearing to the point he can't hold a conversation unless it has the "F" word or the "MF" word in it. He now is using the "C" word so freely. It's so weird that I think he's doing it on purpose to upset me. It's not even out of anger, it's almost like he's enjoying seeing me get upset. I can't think of a reason other than he's mental. I'm over it. He's too toxic for me to be around. I don't see myself with this man in the future. I almost feel like I wasted 15 years of my life which I could kick myself for. If anyone reads this post, let me tell you that if you have a verbally abusive man get out ASAP because it only gets worse over time.
Compassion
by: Beth

Was he a soldier? Sounds like he was suffering from PTSD. If you are still in contact suggest he hooks up with HeartMath: they do amazing work on emotional resilience and work very closely with our service boys and girls.
Leave, they just get more abusive
by: Anonymous

I have been married 15 years. 2 days after getting back from our honeymoon, he started screaming at me about everything in the house. 3 months later he accused me of fooling around with people at work and telling me I smelled like a slut. Now that I’m pregnant, I thought it would stop. Nope. Then his faking family told me he was in rehab for drugs 4 times. Now years later he accuses me of messing around with any man that walks by me. We have been homeless and broke our entire marriage. They are mentally sick, leave now… don't even pack, just run.
Abuse?
by: Belle

My husband tends to attack me when he perceives that he does more work or invests more into some kind of work than I do. For example, when we go camping or when doing housework. Both of us work full time and he knows I get exhausted at work. He is supportive most of the time and can even cook for me when I get from work later than he does.

But he has such a short temper! He can get mad very easily for seemingly no reason at all. When he does get mad and I try to sort out and reason with him, he goes verbally violent, yelling, using profanity and calling me a dumb blonde, etc. It hurts me so much that I have to call in sick to work the next day, because of the nervous breakdown. He also gets mad if I spend some money (not a lot) on charity or want to give some money to the poor on the streets; it seems to irritate him.

Just yesterday I wanted to go to a restaurant for my brother’s birthday and pay for his meal as a birthday present. He wasn’t happy with the idea because it would be "too expensive". Even though we both make enough money. But eventually we did go and he got irritated by every thing my brother did. It seemed to him that my brother wasn’t thankful enough or expressing gratitude for our generosity. He said my brother was showing how he took everything we did for him for granted because he wanted to add a plate of soup to his main course that we paid for. He said my brother was acting childish and ungrateful... he was mad and I called him out on it. And he was now furious at me that I was condoning my brother’s insolent behavior. Getting annoyed with my mom for trivial things. I tried to reason with him, but he would get more and more violent, swearing, calling me names telling me to f-off and eventually showed me the MIDDLE FINGER. Saying "If you’d listened to your husband none of that would have happened".

This behavior of his has been on and off periodically now for the 5 years that we have been married... every time I just feel so sick and torn down. It makes me not want to be intimate with him... Also, I find it very annoying how he doesn’t let me drive when he’s in the car with me, saying that my driving makes him nervous even though I drive fine with 5 years of experience. He says that it’s the "man’s job to drive a car"... it just irritates me so bad. I guess it’s not that important of an issue, but still feels like he’s taken it upon himself to take away my right to drive... He’s 12 years older than me and I don’t know if it has to do with anything. He just seems so greedy and small, not wanting to do a little more for anyone if he doesn’t get back the same in full.

I don’t know what to do about his verbal abuse and short fuse temper...
Abuse
by: Chloe

My ex broke up with me, then would not leave me alone. He called me 18 times, calling me horrible names. Worthless and terrible. I believe this is his true behavior and this would happen anytime he became angry. Am I wrong?
I am a foreigner married to an abusive man
by: Mia

I am so sorry to hear that your marriage is going down the drain. I am in the same situation. You deserve better and you child needs a better role model.

I dated this man for 5 years and we married last year. After we married he became a paranoid, alcoholic (drinks beers and more beers. He cannot have water if he goes out, he has to be drinking like a pig), and a nasty person.

He has hit me (I have bruised arms) and calls me horrible names. He has thrown me out of the car. When I have asked him to leave me he wouldn't do it, and says that this is not my country and I have to leave. He should just leave me and do the divorce paperwork, because he is not a good man.

I work hard, earn and spend my own money, all the bills are paid in half, although I paid most of the extra stuff because he earns less than me. As I work, he says that I sleep with my colleagues. He says it in the most disgusting languages saying that my legs are open for other men etc.

He leaves me alone when he is with friends and then blames me for not reporting where I am. If I do not tell him where I am, he throws a scene. He portrays himself as if he is the perfect man and if I am the sour one. I know that I do not have anyone here and he takes advantage of it. His family supports him and they do not give a damn about me.

I just trust God and hope HE gives me strength to leave my husband. I know I deserve better, I have never cheated, I do not have kids, and I need someone who looks after me and supports me not someone who abuses me.
Ditch them - change is virtually impossible
by: Valerie

I'm just leaving my husband of not even 2 years. It used to happen before the wedding and I put it down to his drinking - which was excessive binging, but he'd been dry for 8 months and he still did it. Everything, especially the way he felt, was my fault (past boyfriends, not being romantically interested - no wonder, almost anything really) and he used the most 'colorful' language. Recently an expensive holiday abroad when he spoiled yet another Christmas day, he threatened to leave and called me horrible names yet again.... something snapped in me and I'm in the process of throwing him out. He has something wrong with his reasoning, needs help but won't get it… Sad but I need to have the nastiness out of my life now. I feel better already (although I am lucky having no kids by him and a decent job). Why do they think that behavior is ok???
What to do?
by: Jenn

I just read this while searching for different things online...so I might end up answering my own question here. My current (2nd) husband goes through what I call the "only child syndrome". He is an only child, and did serve in the military. He has a habit of finding fault with the world, and blaming me or my adult daughter. This evening, he went so far as to call my adult daughter (whom he calls his own) a "c--t". All over a phone survey....he claims that because we answer surveys, this is why we get weird calls to the house. Ok...maybe so. But really? You call your proclaimed daughter the "C" word over this? She is just of voting age...interested in the issues...wants to participate in the heat of the debate.

I love this man, but cannot condone him calling my daughter this, and demeaning her in this way. He has no idea the impact this has on a young woman.

Stay or go?
He is probably cheating on you
by: Diana

My boyfriend did exactly the same thing, sudden childish behavior, abuse, threats, he even kidnapped me and all this was because he cheated and started a serious relationship with someone else behind my back, while lying about it even now, almost ten years later. He is married to her now but should be in jail. Beware because he tried to kill me for the other woman and men are capable of this. I have seen the pictures of them together and he was spending all his money on her, taking her places, leaving me alone, lying, and waiting for him to show up. Your man is probably leading a double life.

Anyway, that's my experience, maybe yours is entirely different.
LEAVE, leave, leave, leave!!!!
by: Megan

I'm working on leaving my current abusive, cruel, and heartless husband. LEAVE, leave, leave, leave!!!!

I've tried several times. Each time he treats me exactly the same disrespectful way. You'll never get through to his infant mentality.

Next move is out the door for me. They beat you down so much. Every toothpick out of place is an issue with them.
No excuse for abuse
by: Vi

There is absolutely no excuse for abuse. Do not allow this to continue and get out now. Don't let yourself make excuses for him. I understand how hard it is, but you owe it to yourself to get on with the rest of your life without these feelings of dread all the time. I speak from experience, by the way. Good luck.
Replying to "marriage is a 2 way street"
by: JustMyOpinion

Don’t listen to this person. What he/she says is toxic and dangerous. Stuff happens, it really does. My childhood wasn’t the most loving and happy environment you would expect a child to have, but I’m not abusing people!

My boyfriend and I had similar childhoods, the difference between my boyfriend and me is that I see myself as a victor, and he sees himself as a victim and uses his past as an excuse to abuse people and even me. I love this guy with all my heart. But I say "NO" to being abused! You can love someone and not let them hurt you. I plan to break up with my boyfriend very soon.

To the person who has tried to say you have some growing up to do; everyone has growing up to do. And I just want to promise you this: You did the best thing you possibly can do for your daughter. You are amazing; don’t settle for an abuser! You don’t want your daughter thinking that a toxic relationship like that is OK and normal.

Terrible things can happen, and do happen to most people, that is an explanation as to why someone is the way they are, not justification. So he went to Afghanistan, probably has PTSD. OK, that makes sense as to why he is being the way he is, however, abusing you is wrong. And it’s not your fault he was deployed! You don't need to pay for what others have gone through. Make yourself happy so you can make those you care about happy. Never let anyone abuse you. He is sick.
Marriage is a two way street.
by: Victoria

Sounds like you never truly loved this guy in the first place. Yes it is wrong for him to put you down and yes it is definitely wrong for him to physically abuse you. However, you said he was always loving and supportive before he came home from being deployed, so obviously something has affected him in such a way that has changed him. Even if he was not in the combat zone he has been constantly around people who I can guarantee would not be providing the kind of loving supportive environment you would expect. It is also very hard to get used to living in a domestic situation when you have been living in such a rigid environment as your husband has. Sometimes you need to step back as a wife, make sure your daughter is safe and be a friend. It sounds like you need some time to grow up so hopefully you won’t teach your daughter to make the same childish mistakes you have. Good luck to all of you!
Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft
by: Cynthia

Read this book. It tells you exactly what goes on in the minds of angry and controlling men. I read it and it was an eye-opener.

It describes my life exactly and I'm sure he describes the lives of many women on the board as I have read their stories and they seem to match this book.
From love to abuse
by: Sky

ENOUGH!!!!!!!NOW!!!!!! Looks like your heart has already answered your question and you are better for it. Just keep going and don't look back. You don't owe him anything, like you said he chose to stay and you didn't. If he treats you like that, he doesn't know how to love someone and if he's ever going to figure it out it's going to take a long time. You have a big, beautiful life ahead, so don't look back just live it
From abuse to true love… It’s your choice
by: GALE H.

Well it sounds like you just need to read your story. You answered it, enough is enough! Continue to grow and blossom like the beautiful woman god has intended you to be. Trust me god's plan is to send you a man of god. We got to prepare for it!! When a man calls you names, he's not deserving of you. Ask yourself, would god call us or his wife that? Heck no! When you fall in love it should be a man of god. If he loves god, he'll for sure know how to love you the way you deserve. I'm learning to love him myself and once I truly get it, I will not settle for any men calling me these filthy words!

YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH ALREADY. I'LL PRAY FOR YOU, GOOD LUCK.

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