He Emotionally Destroyed Me

by Janet

He was so mentally and emotionally abusive over a two year period that I woke up one day and saw that he had gradually all but destroyed me mentally and emotionally. It was a gradual planned package and I didn't realize what was happening until I suddenly realized one day I was no longer ME. He now tells me, he is sorry for doing this to me (he only tells me this in private). In public he says he has never done anything to me and that it is all in my head!!! Man, I just cannot believe one human being would purposely set out to mentally and emotionally destroy a partner he had been married to for 17 years. He retired 2 years ago and a few weeks after retirement I noticed a change in how he was treating me and his emotional disconnection. I tried to talk to him about it several times but he would tell me it was all in my head, I was crazy, what was the matter with me........

I also cannot believe I allowed someone to come within an inch of mentally and emotionally destroying me. The sad thing is I am a mess. I am in the middle of divorcing him. The first attempt was one month away from being final when after much marriage counseling we dismissed the divorce. It only took 5 months for the same actions to start all over again so I moved out and filed for divorce again.

Washington state is a no fault state and as with many states the legal system does not recognize abuse unless you are bloody (physical abuse) so too bad for you. I guess you are supposed to realize what is happening and if the fire is to hot get out of the kitchen before your brains are fried.

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He ruined me
by: Anonymous

I have been in a relationship for 7 years. He never worked and I have borrowed from friends, family, and have taken out loans to help us survive. I have lost all the assets I have had since I was 20. Finally, he pawned my gold jewelry and managed to lose that money as well. I found out rent wasn’t paid, so I was facing eviction on top of everything. He begged me not to leave, saying he would find a job. But he can’t work because of his Visa and he still hasn’t found a job.

He wasted 7 years of my life, leaving me thousands of dollars in debt and no place to live. I am ruined and he’s to blame. I am in my late 40s and don’t have a job. I don’t know what to do. I was so naïve and stupid. Now when I asked him what is going to happen next, he said it’s my fault. He said he can’t make it because he’s thinking of me and he gets wild when I ask him to leave. What can I do? How can I walk away?

Thank you

Narcissistic xdresser
by: Anonymous

I "woke up" (as my therapist put it) and told him I couldn't live like this anymore and asked for a divorce. (He had emotionally, verbally abused me for 5 years and ignored me while making himself into a woman at home) said he at least wanted to start therapy and asked that I stick with over the summer for support and he'd give me a divorce in fall. Boy that was a huge mistake. The abuse grew 100 times worse and in fall he stopped therapy (think he was lying to his therapist anyway) and said this, "I'm fine, I don't know what YOUR problem is." Now nearly 2 years later we are divorcing, he's burned my clothes, trying to set me up to take my son 50 percent of the time, made numerous false allegations and will not stop until he's ruined me emotionally physically and financially. Don't trust ANYTHING they say! They will lie and manipulate and not care.

Emotionally destroyed
by: Anonymous

I'm rocking in the same boat. I want out as well ugggghhhh, it's sickening to my stomach. He's no damn good!

Never ends
by: Anonymous

I also was abused by my so called husband and put up with it for over 25 years. I had no family because he hid addressees from me. My relationship with his family consisted of being ignored and rejected. I was subjected to name calling and told I was fat, unfit, mad, crazy etc. until the point I actually developed mental health issues and starved myself. I was a vegetarian (that was never accepted) and they would try to say I had an eating disorder, until I actually developed one.

My wedding was all arranged, not once was I asked if I wanted to marry him. Countless times I wanted to die, I couldn't accept that I failed my kids. I started to dream about locating my dad and followed through until I found him. Unfortunately he was dying and two calls later my father died. I never got to see him in 25 years, and then I found out my husband hid his address. He refused to bury my father, took all the money and called police saying I was harassing him.

That bitter twisted man would use his own son to abuse me, his so called love of his life ... My youngest son now lies for him to get me to go places where my ex is with his girlfriend. I saw him for what he is; no one who's truly happy needs to show his girlfriend off. He uses his own son to trick me so I am on my own for him to get maximum impact. I learned a hard lesson. No matter what, my ex will never use my son to hurt me or get me to attend any more events where my ex will humiliate me. I will not allow him to use my son to abuse and lie to me just like he once did. I told my son I would not be able to see him until he stops doing what his Dad requests. It has been the hardest thing I ever had to do, but the alternative is to allow this man to destroy me.

There is only so much peace I have; I pity my ex, not hate him. He has enough hate to eat him up. Although his moved on with his girlfriend, has he really? He is not at peace with what he did, he hates me because he has to hate in order for him to try and move on. I only think of how he abused me, used each of my dark secrets, used social services, and even the police against me. Yet he feels like he is the victim. How dare I leave, I ended our marriage, it’s all my fault the kids are petrified of me.... Then I recall ever single thing he ever said was about the boy he was. The only ever question he ever asked was about his bedroom skills, that's probably the only time I lied throughout our relationship.

My message is it never changes and despite everything he did during divorce including using his mum to lie, hiding property, lying in court, keeping me from my father, using my son against me, and the countless times he called the police, I've never ever regret leaving him. I only wish I did it years ago. Marriage is not a license to abuse and subject what is meant to be your soul, to the most horrific crimes against humanity, to take and crush someone who depends on you, who has married you for life, whose vows you not only laugh at but used as a weapon to control her. Marriage is not a license to destroy.

The hardest thing is, if you really love someone and they treat you this way, you owe it to them if not yourself to leave. Love does set you free.

I am emotionally destroyed
by: Anonymous

I met my husband when I was 19. We got married and those first couple of years we had a lot of family troubles. Due to all that he started to harbor a lot of resentment against me, he has pushed me, slapped me, tried to choke me and grabbed me by the back of my head and tried to smack me against a mirror. This has happened in a matter of 8 years; it is not consistent but is it seems to be getting worse. He says I annoy him and I start the problems, but he refuses to admit he has an anger problem.

Although he tells me he won’t do it again and that he did wrong, but I don't believe it for one second. The worst part is I need his approval, his attention, his affection even if my mind tells me otherwise, I can’t seem to listen to my mind or only friend that tell me to leave... what should I do?

I am now 30, with a steady job but afraid to move forward or alone...

by: Anonymous

If you're looking for a sign, this is it.

You need to get out. You need to go.

You need to heal.

Walking dead
by: Anonymous

I'm going through this 12 months after breaking up with my partner of nearly 5 years. I was a young bubbly woman when he meet me at a naive age of 21. He destroyed me, controlled me, and took control of my mind, my heart, and my fears. I would rather he had stuck a knife through my heart and murdered me, at least he would have been punished for what he did. For the last 12 months I have used strength to pick myself up, but some days the pain (mentally and emotionally) is making me feel like not continuing on in life. I believe in God but I don't understand how such a nasty evil person can get away with this type of behavior. Nobody knows truly what he put me through either. And I have lost friends and trust in everybody because of him while he sits back and laughs. He’s a murderer in my eyes for destroying a gentle loving soul like mine.

Oh, yes.
by: Anonymous

I can't believe that I didn't know what was happening. Maybe I saw it, but was too co-dependent to realize it at 31. I was raised by a narcissistic father but didn't realize I had married a narcissist. Regardless, I am diminished after 33 years of marriage and am trying to find my way back to the person I was in my late 20's. She was strong and a delight to know. It's been 2 1/2 years, with tremendous family stress thrown in, but I'm hoping for a reprieve from the hurt and soul-crushing pain. He, of course, moved on quite quickly. Pisses me off.

Emotional Abuser , Narcissist and Minister
by: Anonymous

I am divorcing my husband of almost 15 yrs. I've suffered Public humiliation at the church. They would say he was just protecting me because I was beautiful, from other men. I have been kept away from friends and family because of his behavior it’s so embarrassing. I had no friends to come by the house. He had an affair, but I was always the one accused of cheating. He would talk to me like the dirt under his shoe, then an hour later want to have sex. When I didn't want to, he would just pull my clothes down and do it anyway. We fought all the time. We'd fight until he'd convince me that my position in the argument was wrong and his was right. Eventually, I just shut down and went into a deep depression for years. When I began to fight back, that's when he started using any tool he could against me, even our own children. Divorce can drain you but you have to go through it. It hasn't been easy because he is going kicking and screaming the entire way. But, I will not give in. Although some days, my heart (which I hate to admit) is still foolish enough to want to. He's just that good at being a manipulator.

Mentally separate
by: Anonymous

To survive an emotionally abusive marriage where you have no funds to leave, you must emotionally and psychologically disengage. Be there in body but not in spirit, guard your hearts! Stop depending on this person to fulfil your emotional needs. Stop looking for his attention and approval. Doing so and not getting it will destroy your self-esteem. Be and live in your own mentally bubble, a bubble that he can’t penetrate. Don’t be the wounded dog that whimpers and begs for attention, that's degrading and annoying even in healthy relationships. Last but not least pray like crazy for God to change your circumstances. Take solace in him and forget the jerk.

30+ years with a narcisist
by: Claude

I was so busy with my career and our son, I wasn't paying attention. Until I realized that he had destroyed my friendships, my career and my copycat son (if Daddy does, I do).

He would sneer or put down whatever I was doing or how I was doing it, but never made a mistake himself. He is the super hero of his own life. I decided to hang on until our son was out of the house. Getting there and dreaming of leaving everything behind, at 65.

My father had left us a good inheritance but he took the whole package and wasted it, refusing to let me decide to do with what was mine.

So, at 65, with no confidence or self-esteem, and with not much to my name, I must leave very soon or give up being me forever.

I am in a trap
by: Anonymous

When I met my husband I had just been sexually assaulted and lost the love of my life. Thought he was my white knight because my self-worth was so low. He was so subtle about it I did not realize he was doing it. I had a miscarriage which further drove me into severe depression leaving him to talk and treat me anyway he wanted to for several years. We had children so I was busy with them.

I noticed his verbal abuse to me and the children, but when I tried to get out he told me he would have me declared an unfit mother because of a pill swallowing incident due to the depression. Well now I have been in this marriage for 29 years! Through therapy I am finally seeing the person I was 35 years ago. Even though I am disabled I am still worth loving and deserve to be treated with respect.

He talks down to me. I am there for his pleasure when he wants it. Otherwise he ignores me and/or emotionally abuses me. I am sick of it. He now says that if I divorce him I will not get any money because I wanted the divorce. Our state is not a no fault state. I do not know how to GET OUT.

by: Anonymous

Hi my husband has been abusing me for 5 years. He won’t sleep beside me or give me any affection none. And he sleeps with every slut he can get. And yells and screams at me every day. He talks down to me. I have to jump to service him. I caught him in bed with his best friend’s wife. I hate him, but I have no money to leave. He says I’m old, ugly, and fat. And every day he has a list a mile long about everything I do wrong around the house. How can I get free help?

by: Anonymous

I too feel the same way. My husband always tells me it’s in my head. He has been a womanizer all our married life. I just was told how terrible a mother and housekeeper I was. My kids are 29 and 30 and their own. I feel he has poisoned me with my kids. I always feel like leaving him but have nowhere to go. So it used to be that I would stick it out for the kids, but now its “where do I go and where do I begin”. He’s told me if I don't like here to leave and there are lawyers out there. I am tired of always being depressed and seeing my husband drool over other women. My kids don't call me either.

sympathy & empathy
by: Anonymous

Sorry for what you're going through. I went through something similar with my ex. It was so subtle over a period of many years that I didn't even notice it happening. Now that we have been apart for a while I've been through the stage of "I can't believe I allowed him to do that to me for so long!" and I'm moving on to trying to figure out what is really me out of what is left. It's a slow process of rebuilding myself, but it took a long time to get broken down. I'm sure I will make it through & be so happy being ME & I wish the same for you.

by: Anonymous

I completely agree. It breaks you down to where you don't even recognize the person in the mirror.

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