Lying and porn addiction

by A
(WA)

Porn addiction and the associated lying and secrecy were the main reason for our divorce.

There was also passive aggressive behavior, including withholding sex and affection when I didn't do what he wanted.

Comments for Lying and porn addiction

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Husband Lying about it
by: Fi

Hi,

From someone in a similar situation, although my husband has never been as abusive as yours. That is totally disgusting and in all honesty the only place these men belong is at the bottom of the ocean.
Be careful. To me, he sounds like he could become violent. Have a safety plan to get out of this toxic relationship.

Fi

To Husband lying about it
by: Anonymous

There is no question about it, you need to leave now! You have a responsibility to yourself and your children to get out of that abusive relationship. You and your children deserve better.

Husband lying about it
by: Anonymous

Okay, so while I was ordering my husband two gifts my phone died and I had to use his. I ordered the gifts for him and his history manager came up. What I saw made me sick… He was watching all kinds of really sick porn. I asked him about it. He lied the entire night and was even abusive to me because he was caught. I was begging him to leave 😔 and to stop because we have four young children but he wouldn't. I spoke to my mom, but I'm ashamed to tell my family or friends about it and what really happened. When he finally admitted it, he had me on the ground and said (with like a smile on his face) yeah bitch because you care about "dead people" meaning my 3 brothers, Daddy, and an uncle whom I just lost. He’s cheated before when we had our youngest daughter and said it was because he wasn't happy. So I moved on with my life (it was great) and he came back begging me for another chance. I wanted to do the right thing for my family and now I feel like a complete failure. Anyone have any advice on what to do?

Addicted to Porn, gambling and alcohol
by: Anonymous

Thanks Gail and I think you're right. I feel like I'm going insane trying to justify that his childhood has done this to him and that I should fix him. That within itself is insanity.

I appreciate your honesty.

Thank you,

Fi

To: Addicted to porn, gambling
by: Anonymous

I completely agree with Gail, as hard as it might be - they don't change even when they convince you that they have changed. They tell you that they will never lie again - another lie within itself.

When someone can lie to you for such a long time, how could they ever be honest with you again - some women on here have been lied to for over 20 years - what sort of man does that and thinks he can change - what a joke!!! Unfortunately, men do this for their selfish reasons. They destroy families, communities, lives - get out if you can, don't waste another second of your precious life.

I am teaching my kids to be careful and to be aware - the world and men are only going to get worse because porn is not made for beautiful, connected relationships. Love, intimacy, respect will be gone....I have felt it for such a long time - my ex-husband is a creep.

To - Addicted to porn, gambling etc.
by: Gail

You need to leave. There’s nothing in it for you. Read over your comment and realize you are living in an insane situation. Run and end this for your own sanity.

Addicted to Porn, gambling and alcohol
by: Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,

I have access to money. He is still living in the house but downstairs. He went to an AA meeting last night and has received a mental health plan to see a shrink.

The one thing I didn't mention is that my child looked at his phone to check the time and there was a message - saying Hi Babe, finish work at 10am and it was from some escort agency. I assured my child it was not meant for him. Years ago when I was pregnant with our first daughter, I found something in our bank account that looked suspicious. Upon researching I found out it was a massage parlor where he had spent $300. When I confronted him about this he said it was a just a therapeutic massage. When I looked at the site, it had naked girls giving massages and God know what. He again denied it. Then a few days later when he was taking a shower I noticed something that looked like a blister on his private parts. I made him go to the Doctor and they said it was herpes that could have been from years ago and had been dormant for years but due to stress had flared up again. He then told me oh yes I remember sleeping with a girl when I was 18 and she told me afterwards that she had herpes. Again, my gut, told me no this can't be right, but continued on. There has just been a constant pattern of porn on his phone. I don't know that you can ever trust someone who has clearly lied so many times and has so many issues. I have to ask myself what's in it for me!

To Fi
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry you're going thru this especially with young children. Are you financially able to support your children on your own? If you can, I would propose a temporary separation from your husband. He would have to meet some requirements before I would allow him back into the house, such as attending daily AA, PAA, and GA meetings. I would have him get a non-smart phone and have no access to the internet during the separation. I know this is difficult but if he wants his family back, he'll comply. If he doesn't, you'll be able to decide if you want to continue wasting your life with a man like him. Good luck to you my sister.

Addicted to Porn, gambling and alcohol
by: Fi

Hi, my first husband of 14 years died in a plane crash fifteen years ago. I was completely heartbroken and really lost. I turned to alcohol to combat my sorrow, which of course I know is the wrong thing to do. I ended up moving interstate to the last place I saw him alive and started seeing a man who had been living in the same house as my husband while they were flying. Any way we became friends, started drinking together etc. Fast forward 14 years, I have put up with my now new husband and several other addictions. He is an alcoholic, addicted to gambling and porn. The signs were there very early on and I have constantly found things on his phone. When I confront him about this and really have it out with him, he says he'll get help, but he never has. He grew up in a very screwed up family. His mother is an alcoholic and it seems his stepfather watched porn and he saw it from a very early age. I don't think he's a bad person, just very messed up, but I am now 50, with 2 young girls, one 9 and one 12. I want to be happy and feel I deserve better. I never drank much before the tragedy of losing my first husband - who was one of the most wonderful men ever put on this earth. I think I was so broken when I met my now husband that I settled for someone who is just not up to my standard. I think, as hard as it is, it's time to call it a day! Any advice would be appreciated. Fi x

Dear Defining success
by: Teri

I can’t speak for all women, but for me your words are words I have longed to hear for many years. If my man came to me and said the things you have said, the pain wouldn’t go away instantly, but it would stop going deeper. Just when I think I can’t possibly get hurt anymore I end up getting hurt. Why do I stay? Because I believe he is a good man and one of these days he will come to me and say those words to me.

Defining success in the wake of addiction
by: Andrew

I'm really pleased to see some men start to post on this forum and share their feelings and thoughts. I think if societies (collective) view on pornography are to change substantially it will require good men to work alongside women to make these much needed changes.

I wanted to share some thoughts on what success looks like for me. I recognize that success will look different for each individual, but hopefully I will get some of you thinking about success in a broader context.

Initially I thought that stopping viewing pornography and fantasizing about other women would lead to success. In my mind success at the time was defined as my wife forgiving me and living happily ever after. If I’m being honest with myself, it took too long to come to the realization that it is not nearly as simple as that, indeed success is multilayered.

And that’s exactly how it played out. Things didn’t get any better between myself and my wife after I stopped, arguably they became even worse. Why? Firstly viewing pornography is only part of the issue – there are many others. The lies that were told time and time again to protect my ‘secret’. Yes all addicts lie to protect themselves and I assume all addicts also learn that intolerable damage is done when trust is eroded in a relationship. From my wife’s perspective, I lied for so many years and she gave me the benefit of the doubt, so how can she trust me now? Once bitten… (Although in my story it could easily be thousands of times bitten).

There are also the wasted years and the question of ‘what if’? What if my wife had chosen someone else, would she have had a much better life with a man who treated her as she deserved to be treated? Worshiped her for her, made her feel special each day and lived life to the fullest rather than using up energy on being suspicious, trying to understand why, losing touch with community and friends and fracturing extended family relationships.

Beating an addiction does not make up for the lies, any more than committing to be honest, transparent and truthful. That doesn’t fix all the turmoil over 20 years, and it needs healing if a relationship is to grow and blossom into what it could and should have been.

Being as objective as I possibly can be, I think it is unlikely that I will be able to repair all the damage I’ve caused to my wife, my family and our broader community. Recognizing this has led me to think about what success looks like for me, or in other words how can I turn my experiences into something positive?

First and foremost I have to accept that it is not my decision to keep my family together, and in the very likely event my wife chooses a path of divorce I need to support her in that decision and make it as easy as possible for both her and our children. I guess if you love someone you do need to set them free.
Whilst I’m not sure how to best capitalize on my experiences I do think I can be a voice of change and help educate men struggling with addiction how insidious pornography is across the world, how it exploits women for the benefit of (almost exclusively men), how it is the driver of child exploitation, sex trafficking, and the predominant medium for sex education of our vulnerable youth. Every click, every view, whether you happen to pay for it or not, do it in private and keep it your shameful secret, every minute you spend viewing pornography is contributing to exploitation of women and you are part of the problem not the solution.

I am sickened by the statistics quoting 90%+ of all men view pornography, and my wife recently told me less than 8% of those addicted successfully recover. These are very sobering statistics and clearly show the extent of the issue. I’ve never subscribed to the argument that there’s nothing wrong with it nor that is it ok because ‘everybody is doing it’. These are excuses, I chose now to be part of the solution not part of the problem.

I have grown as a person in the last two years and am now present and in the moment with my children. I have a grown up step daughter and two young kids, a boy and a girl. My boy innately knows how to treat women and respect them as equals – he amazes me in that respect. I work with him to ensure he knows how to handle peer pressure and ensure he grows into a respectful young man. My daughter and I are close which is great and I am able to have age appropriate conversations with her about her respecting herself as a women and not ever feeling pressured into a situation she feels uncomfortable with. Of course I cannot take all the credit here, not even half of it. My wife has been the driving force that set our kids on the right path from a very early age. However at least now, based on my experiences I am equipped to have the right conversations with them and be a very good role model for them both.

So success for me now looks like supporting my wife to likely become my ex-wife and make that process as easy as possible for her. She has been through so much and I owe her that much. It may sound like I’m happy for this to happen and it suits me too. Nothing could be further from the truth, I love her and want us to work – I won’t stop trying, however I won’t pressure her, it needs to be 100% her decision with no influence.

Success is raising my children into young adults that respect themselves and all others. Mentoring them through life’s rollercoaster journey, comforting them when they inevitably get knocked down and getting back up again stronger and wiser for the experience. And that’s what I hope for myself, to become stronger and wiser for this horrible experience. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and I deeply regret all the hurt I’ve caused my family. Can I make up for it completely? I hope so, and I will continue to work hard, learn and become a better person in that pursuit.

To Anonymous Husband
by: Green eyed girl

Dear Anonymous Husband

I think the first part of getting to be a better husband is acknowledging the hurt you have caused, which you do. So cheers to you! I still believe my husband feels he’s doing nothing wrong. That being said there will be no change. I hear "Everyone does it!" That statement is so childish. Does Everyone’s wife realize they’re doing it? Probably not. Not only porn just looking at pictures of woman constantly. He has no self control. Can’t have Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram even a TikTok account turns into constant woman watching. It’s heartbreaking. I wish he’d acknowledge my feelings as you have your wife’s. So here’s to you and your recovery! 🥂 I wish you the best. Let us know how it goes.

Thank you
by: Anonymous Husband

Hi everyone - anonymous husband here. I am a failed person. I'm a failed husband. I appreciate reading all of these stories and seeing things from YOUR perspective.

The common thread seems to be - "leave". That's fair - of course. NOBODY can tell you how YOU should feel. It's also the part that makes me sad.

I am genuinely working hard to become a better person, and I'm going to keep working hard.

Is this true that someone can never change? I’d like to think I can change. I cannot believe that ALL things are possible including change and including becoming a better, more loving person.

If anyone has a story about a success to come from this (maybe I'm in the wrong place admittedly) I would really like to hear it. It might give me some hope that what I'm doing can make a difference and that I can at least partially restore what I so foolishly destroyed.

I'm heartbroken. And I know it's my fault. I would never want to disagree with her feelings. She is right to feel whatever she feels and I cannot, nor would I, argue with that. I just hope she can give me the time I need to improve. Give me a chance to show I can.

Feels weird to post here - but I just wanted to share my feelings and share my thanks for being able to read all of your stories. They have helped me learn - and even though I dread hearing the truth time and time again and hope I am given some time to rebuild - I also recognize that it is not my place. The decisions she makes are hers.

Thanks again.

Thoughts Welcome Reply
by: Anonymous

Dude: sexual release is not vital like eating, drinking and sleeping!

You are a sex addict. Period.

You say you have unmet needs. Sex is not a root need.

Dear Thoughts Welcome
by: Anonymous

With everything that you have described about your wife and relationship, I would think that you were my husband. I have a lot in common with your wife as you have described her and the problems in your marriage. Let me share with you my thoughts since you stated they are welcomed.

There was a time that I was indescribably in love with my husband, would do anything for him, trusted him completely and had an amazing sex life. If you were to ask how often we were intimate, it was from 5-6 times per week. Sometimes more. These were not only his desires, but mine as well.

Slowly, that trust started to be chipped away with lying, deceit, his not listening to me and my needs and I discovered through an accident that he was viewing porn. When I asked him about it, he admitted to it, but said he would stop. I'm not sure that men, or women for that fact, understand how another feels when their partner views other people intimately while pleasing themselves. I can say for me, I feel cheated on, disrespected, lied to, manipulated and not good enough. Granted, no one can make me feel any way but myself, but behaviors of another can affect others.

His indiscretions turned to me questioning how he was viewing my daughters. They are not his by blood. There were several questionable situations that I now believe he was peeping on them.

This is not about us!!! You have the problem. If your wife were an alcoholic, and she said she drank because you viewed porn, whose problem would the drinking be? Take responsibility for your own behaviors and actions.

Own up to the fact that your actions have caused dissention and division in your home. If your wife is anything like me, if you keep your penis in your pants, out of your hands and eyes off porn, maybe you can begin to gain trust back. You can only fix yourself. It's not the lack of sex in your marriage causing your porn addiction, it's your inability to face the fact that you have a problem and are not willing to work on it.

Thoughts welcome - my thoughts
by: Catherine

Firstly, thanks for your honesty. I think too many women find the lying side to pornography hard to handle let alone everything else.

You sound like you want your marriage to work and that it is worth fighting for - but I guess only you can determine that?

What does your wife say to your question regarding the use of porn to curb your needs? Is she fine for you to use porn (I assume not)? And if not, have you considered her reasons? The degradation of women and girls, the link to sex trafficking, changes to the brain, negative behavioral changes, why the women are in porn in the first place, and who is profiting off all of this?

Porn takes away intimacy, connection, love etc. All those things that humans need and desire. Would you mind if your wife was using pornography over you? In my opinion, porn leaves you very alone, it leaves you living a life with no pure connection or intimacy, and it provides for narcissistic traits to begin to appear, and you'll end up being a man with little or no substance.

I say move on from your marriage or work at it. And the reason I say that is because I want a better world for women and children. Seeing a human as a masturbation tool will only end up with you dehumanizing people, mainly women and girls. Every click creates more problems, and you are contributing to that. Spend some time finding out just how bad porn is for humans and then find out how you can pleasure yourself but not at the expense of others. I hope you no longer have to struggle through this and that you begin to have more meaning in your life than you do now. I hope your sex life has more meaning at some stage.

I have left my husband due to porn and how he has treated me over the years. I want trust, connection and intimacy in a relationship that is genuine - and not sex that is brought on by watching porn.

I say leave if the porn bothers her because that's not being a good husband, that's being selfish. My husband lied to me for 20 years - I could have been with a much better man had I known earlier.

Thanks again for being honest and sharing your story on this blog. There are a lot of women hurting here, and they have very good reasons to be feeling this way. We all need good men in our lives and men who think of others over their own needs.

TO : Thoughts welcome
by: Green eyed girl

I am not offended by your post in the least. I understand that men from time to time use porn to aid in self-gratification. I have absolutely no problem with that. It’s when it’s a substitute for intimacy and affection. It’s when your wife is ready, willing, and able and you choose porn over her. It’s when she feels neglected or compared to the unrealistic things you are watching and becoming desensitized to. It’s when you make her feel inadequate and unattractive because of constant porn use. It would be best for you to work with your wife and gain back the emotional closeness you have lost, then the intimacy will follow naturally. I’m sure if she loves you that’s what she’s hoping for. Marriage is hard and it’s not all about sex, but it’s so important. Woman are different; we need to feel wanted and connected, after years together it’s not always about lust. I hope you can work it out. Good luck

Thoughts welcome.
by: Anonymous

I’m sure this post won’t last long, as many people might be offended, and that is not my intention. I am posing these thoughts as a person who is struggling to be the best husband I can be. My wife and I are currently experiencing some hard times, and as anyone that is married can tell you, it takes two to tango. My wife is not solely to blame for our problems and neither am I; marriage is just hard, and totally worth fighting for. To my knowledge neither of us has been unfaithful, in the physical sense; but, as the frequency and quality of our sex life has diminished over the last 4 years, I have found that my consumption of pornography has dramatically increased. It’s not that I prefer porn to her, but that we have disconnected on an emotional and physical level and now do not have sex at all. She says that she has things that she needs to work through on her own before we can begin to reconnect, things that have to do and have nothing to do with me, and I respect that and own my own role in the disintegration of our relationship. My thoughts come to this page in regards to the use of pornography to curb needs that men experience. I’m not trying to diminish the pain and suffering that this addiction can and has caused; I can certainly understand, I’m shocked by how quickly I’ve become desensitized to certain things. My question is more about the role that a diminished sex life, lack of connection (both physical and emotional) and one-sided nature of a partner imposed abstinence has on the consumption of such material. I truly want to be the best husband I can be, but have unmet needs and am struggling with this issue. I cannot simply go without sexual gratification and honestly prefer it to occur with images of her; however, she feels that to do so is violating her. I respect her feelings, but I’m at my wits end. I’ll not be held hostage by the whims of uncertainty any longer. At what point do I stop being a pervert and just become a man with unmet needs that is struggling to cope with the problems that many marriages encounter?

To Sophie
by: Gail

I am saddened by the fact that marriages and relationships are being destroyed by internet porn addiction.

No it does not go away… under 8% make a long term recovery and that takes work, dedication but most of all a HEART that wants change.

If I was in my twenties I would absolutely leave and not look back. I loved my husband and believed the lies and tears as he looked into my eyes and lied over and over...addicts lie. You will battle this your entire relationship and it does take over your life. I lost my identity and joy in living from decades of dealing with this.

Please look after yourself. Get a good education and job and focus on yourself first. There are men that are not addicted but the problem is TRUST. As well this LUST has taken over the lives of so many people that it is becoming difficult to find honest men that will speak the truth.

It robs humans of intimacy and time that should be invested in each other. This world is turning more evil as they want to now NORMALIZE PEDOPHILIA. Porn and human trafficking are linked. Anyone with a conscience should flee from this crap.

I feel so lost
by: Sophie

I'm still in my twenties and was considering starting a family with my boyfriend of 5 years. One day I checked his phone and he confessed to having a severe porn addiction. He would choose that over having sex with me. For 5 years I've felt my confidence and self-worth decreasing a lot. I used to be so confident but that's all gone now. I have supported him throughout therapy and various self-help groups - but recently caught him back in his perverted loop. It's never going to end is it?

We took a break a few days ago. He moved in with his parents to give me some space and much needed time to think this all through. I love this guy but I think I need to love myself more. It's never going to end right? I don't think I can live with it anymore. It's destroying my life and I think I deserve better.

Sorry if my English is not the best, it's not my first language. I just needed to get out with my frustrations. This thread has really helped me a lot.

To Teri
by: Anonymous

My advice to you is to run, not walk, away from this pervert. He didn't even have the decency to go into the bathroom to do his dirty work, he let you think you were crazy because he was so damn lazy.

58 is the new 48, go out and enjoy life. You deserve better than what you've ended up with. Do you want to look back when you're 68 and ask yourself why you didn't leave a decade ago?

Tired
by: Teri

I am 58 and have been in this relationship for about 15 years. A few years back I was using his laptop and discovered about 1000 bookmarks for porn. I should have left his sorry ass then but I didn’t. I asked him about it and he had the typical response "I’m not doing anything wrong." He never admitted anything at all. I was hurt very deeply. Every time I tried to bring it up he denied it and always let to an argument.

That’s not even where the problem is now, because once again I came to believe it was all in my head. Now the problem is every night I go to bed (not stretching at all) the bed starts shaking. I’m not talking for just a few minutes, I’m talking for hours. I would ask him if he felt it and of course he would say no, this has now been going on for several years. There were nights I would get out if bed just crying my eyes out because I honestly thought I was losing my mind. Many, many sleepless nights. I have went days with no sleep knowing that I was actually going insane. He would get so angry with me because I was keeping him awake. The thought of him jacking off never crossed my mind. Not until recently that is. I was sleeping and got woke up to his jerking so hard that it dawned on me that it had been him this whole time. The whole time I was terrified I was going insane, it was him. Now that I’m older I no longer have the energy to fight with him. I have kept a journal for quite some time now and 4 out of 7 days I get no sleep at all. I know it has affected every aspect of my life and I know my health is in jeopardy but like I said, I’m drained

Dear healing from the pain
by: Anonymous

I found the courage to leave a 10 year relationship (8 of which I was married), because I feel I would never be able regain trust, emotional and physical intimacy ever again. This was after he lied time and time again about his continued use of porn and self-pleasing behaviors. The final straw was walking in on him watching porn and jerking off with the door open to our bedroom while my 17 year old daughter was sleeping in the other room.

He was supposedly in recovery for his addiction and was attending support group meetings. How could I possibly ever trust him again after his repeated dishonesty about porn, dumb phone games and other little things? How do you trust someone with your heart, feelings, and emotions when all they do is repeatedly lie to do such selfish things for themselves?

I realized enough was enough. I didn't deserve the treatment I was receiving. Was I a perfect wife? No. Are there things I have done wrong in our marriage? Yes. Did I deserve all that he had done? No! Am I worth more and do I deserve more in life? YES!!! My home closes escrow on the 6th of November. I have found my own new home to take my daughters. I finally have peace of mind knowing that I won't ever have to wonder if he is still watching porn, lying, jerking off, etc. That's something he will have to reconcile and make an account for during his judgement.

He finally moved out of the home in mid-September, and I haven't been happier. I am at peace. When he reaches out to me to ask a question, my stomach turns and everything comes back at once. Complete disgust. I will be incredibly happy when this chapter of my life is closed.

I understand that some are able to recover. I am in recovery from drugs and alcohol myself for the past 12 years. Recovery happens one day at a time. I know that my lying, cheating and stealing of trust and emotions is all a part of my past behaviors. Once those start up in me again, I may as well drink or use. I was taught that I don't have to be using substances to be in a relapse. I feel the same is true for porn addiction. They start to relapse once all the other behaviors start. They must work at their recovery just as drug/alcohol addicts must. Without recovery and working a program every day, there is no such thing as them being in recovery.

You shouldn't have to install anything on their device in order to feel they are stopping. Goodness knows they will find a way if they really want to. Most do.

I hope the best for you. I know I have never felt better.

Healing from the pain
by: Anonymous

Has anyone returned to a somewhat normal relationship after discovering porn use by your husband or boyfriend? The trust is gone after those continuous lies and excuses. I found a way to block some things on his phone and he claims he is okay with it, but I don’t know how you can quit cold turkey when several years have passed and it was never a thought in his mind to just not search for it. All the searching for specific porn "stars" and lies about it all have created such disconnect and distance between us. I don’t enjoy sex with him anymore nor do I feel comfortable with him in that aspect. There is no intimacy. He tries to tell me I’m beautiful or my body is perfect and he loves it and me, but I no longer believe these things. How do you heal from this?

Regretful husband
by: JAS

I want to say to all of the wives and girlfriends who have experienced the deceit that comes with your partner’s porn addiction, I am so very sorry!

I have been married 24 years and have finally come to the fact that I am addicted to porn. For years I’ve caused my wife heartbreak and created mistrust which I feel is irreparable at this point.

I’ve started genuine self-reflection and soul searching and have been reading Homecoming, by John Bradshaw. Having come from a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic mother and misogynist father, I am trying to reconcile the unresolved ‘wounded inner child’ and help create a new, happier me.

I have started speaking with a new counselor who, like me, has been addicted.

Like a 12-step program, this will be a day by day process. I hope each of you find peace and ultimately a happy place. My apologies for men like us.

To: All A Lie
by: Green eyed girl

So sorry to hear your story. May I ask, What made him confess? Is he reaching for help? Wondering if they can really be helped. If you read down on these posts there’s a man who has seemed to turn himself around. Nothing will make up for years of betrayal. Just wondering if anyone here can see fresh starts and new beginnings 😔

All a lie
by: Anonymous

Well, I've been living a lie for my marriage of 13 years. I've known him for 17 years, over half my life.

He knew how I felt about porn. Since early on, I expressed to him that porn was a betrayal and lack of respect and he assured me he understood and would never watch it. I questioned him for years after, checking in, and even caught him once. He lied his way out of it.

Well, my "d-day" came fast and hard. He admitted it to me on a Friday in the middle of my work day that he was a porn addict. Shock doesn't even begin to describe it. This man I loved for so long and was a huge piece of me was a porn addict? He was one of the good ones, or so I thought. And I felt so beyond betrayed. And flat out stupid.

I am an empathetic person by nature and have tried to work through these emotions to save our marriage, but for what? There is nothing to save because it was all a lie.

Not much else to say I guess. Thanks for listening and as sucky as it is, I'm glad I'm not alone.

Marital Assets
by: Anonymous

I want to address Anonymous who signed everything over to her husband and feels she has no financial means to leave. Please make an appointment for a consultation with a divorce lawyer so that you understand your rights. In many states it does not matter that property is titled in only one spouses name, it is still considered joint marital assets under the law. It is very likely that you still have a fifty percent interest is the assets you signed over to him. Please research the laws of your State before you give up on leaving.

Support
by: Anonymous

Would anyone on this website like to exchange phone numbers so we can talk and support each other thru this? I haven't found a counselor who is trained to treat my trauma and sometimes I just want to talk to someone who can relate to my situation. My email is allegiantns (at) gmail.com (notary service email) if you're interested.

Recovery
by: Andrew

"These filthy perverts live shallow empty lives and when it comes their time to leave this earth what kind of legacy are they going to leave?"

That comment hits the mark dead center. I've posted a few times before as an ex porn addict and each time a few have questioned what recovery I did.

Before I get to that, I completely understand and empathize with what each of you are going through. My wife could have written Mallory's post below word for word. What I keep asking myself now as I reflect on wasting 20 years of my wife's life, is how could I not see porn for what it is, why did I not learn my lesson the first, second, third, fourth time (I had been found out a few times over the 20 years)?

I can accept that I wasted my own life, I've only got myself to blame. But my wife did not ask for this, nor did she deserve any of it, not for 5 minutes let alone 20 years. I was living a lie, and therefore, unwittingly, so was she. I didn't actually look at porn for all of those 20 years, but in the time that I didn't view it, I still fantasized about other women, some of these women my wife knew, including her sister so really there is no difference, in fact on some levels it’s worse. I've betrayed her, lied to her, not cared, and didn’t nurture and worship her in the way that I should have. She deserved a hell of a lot better than what I gave her – she deserved someone other than me.

And she won't get those years back, she can't relive them. You all talk about trust being gone - it's so true. I naively thought that if I never looked at porn again, I could fix this, but that is only a ticket to the main dance which hasn't even begun. Once trust has gone everything falls apart. I was in denial as to how bad things were, and embarrassed and ashamed of who I had become. So I continued to lie to my wife which made things worse. I told her and her step daughter I hadn’t viewed pornography for years. Lying makes it so much worse, it caused so much additional conflict and anxiety for my family, this damage is still raw, like it was yesterday for her.

My recovery started with inner reflection rather than a true understanding of the damage I'd caused to my wife by my actions over the previous 20 years. I was sitting on the couch watching TV with my laptop on my lap watching pornography and I stated to reflect. Was I a good human being? What type of example am I setting my children (and what would they think of me if they knew the truth about their Dad)? Why was I feeling lonely, isolated, depressed? Why did I avoid people and going out with friends?

I decided then that I'd had enough and I closed the laptop. I have never viewed pornography since that time. But of course the work didn't stop with 20 minutes of self-reflection. I knew from experience if I didn't do things differently I’d relapse like every other time. I read a number of books, including "Out of the Dog House" and "Living with a Sex Addict – from crisis to recovery", my wife would send me a lot of articles and you tube videos and I would read websites including Collective Shout, eChildhood and Culture Reframed – I get sent email comms for these sites and ensure I read them all.

More recently I have read "Paid For – My Journey Through Prostitution" by Rachel Moran. It was only then that I truly began to understand the true nature of the porn industry. How oppressive it is, how 99% of women are not there by free choice and all of them are exploited by men.

I know what my values and morals are and I work every day to live these. I do not believe that I am a bad person that doesn’t care about other people. I know my actions of the previous 20 years would prove otherwise, but rather I believe I lost my way and finally, as a now near 50 year old, I’m finally becoming the person I should have always been. I don’t get it right all the time, I’m human, but I can say I will never disrespect a women in any way shape or form again as long as I live.

Right now, being 3 years porn free I am very conscious that I don’t have a great legacy to leave this world. And I still have a long way to go to truly stand in my wife’s shoes and feel her pain and long, long suffering. I am trying to make it up to her (we are separated), but how does anyone do that effectively after putting someone through an ordeal like that for so many years. Being given chance after chance and being too self-centered, arrogant and narcissistic to make the changes needed and put others first.

A common thread running through all these posts are that the husbands and boyfriends don’t think there is anything wrong with what they are doing, or it’s not that bad. It is that bad, it is wrong and you all deserve much, much better. From my own experience a man causes a lot more damage than simply stopping looking at porn will fix. There’s so much more to it.

I have a long way to go to prove to my wife that I do love her, respect her and am able to stand in her shoes and truly understand all the pain and hurt I’ve caused her. Until she feels it, I haven’t done the work.

I do hope I can use my experiences and put them to some good use in the future to help educate men and boys as to the real dangers of pornography, the harm it does to those that view it, the harm caused to those women trafficked and subject to modern slavery, and the damage it does to women in general who all feel the impact of this insidious culture.

I can confidently guide my daughter and educate her about pornified culture, the pressures she will feel as she becomes a teenager and how to deal with these. I can also confidently guide my son to respect all women and not become part of the problem.

You don’t need me to give you any advice. I do wish you all the best and I do appreciate being given the opportunity to read your experiences, as terrible as they are. They do strengthen my resolve to keep working hard to make it up to those that I love the most and have hurt so, so badly.

To Anonymous
by: Green eyed girl

Thank you for your kind words. I know you are right. If I leave him, he’ll be with some piece of crap that would never love and care about him the way I do. No legacy for sure. If his two girls knew the man he really is, they’d be heartbroken. I’m going to try to work on myself and just see how it goes.

To Greene Eyed Girl
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry you're going thru this. Our stories are very similar. I began to see in my husband’s eyes that he was critical of my body when I went thru menopause too. He was into porn for at least 6 of the 16 years we've been married. His thing is Kpop girls. On d-day I asked him why, he said "because they're young and thin". BTW, he's 54 years old, had a big stomach and is not very well endowed. He once looked down at my chest in disgust and said "you've got big boobs". I'm a 34C, which is not big but I guess compared to a Kpop kid it is.

I'm not overweight, I do weight training and 40 minutes of aerobics every other day. Believe me when I tell you that it's not us, they live in a perverted fantasy world.

We need to stop thinking we're not good enough for them and realize that they're not good enough for us. We women need to demand more in our lives. Sex with them will always be dirty. There will never be trust.

These filthy perverts live shallow empty lives and when it comes their time to leave this earth what kind of legacy are they going to leave?

Continue to be hurt
by: Greene eyed girl

I relate to every woman on here. I met my husband 15 years ago while going through a divorce. Believe me I wasn’t looking for a man, but the company and attention was comforting. I began seeing him and pursuing my divorce which my ex dragged on for 7yrs. He stayed by my side through lots of craziness. We had a strong physical relationship, I hadn’t realized how much I missed that. He promised me the world and asked me to marry him for years, which I eventually did. We had watched Porn together on occasion, but it really wasn’t till we were married that I realized how often he was doing it. I’d leave for work and he’d immediately be on, regardless if we had just had sex or not. I started to spy on him and it’s out of control. Sometimes looking at girls that look as if that haven’t gone through puberty.

I’ve confronted him many times. It causes arguments at times, but he denies it. He’s discovered the incognito page and now goes on it that way, I’ve heard him on it. Our sex life is going down the tubes. I feel unattractive and uncomfortable in my own body. Especially because I have gained weight going through menopause. He tells me how beautiful I am and sexy. I don’t believe he thinks that. How can he, when he continues to watch other women? He was extremely promiscuous before me, never faithful. I’m torn on what I’ll do. He doesn’t realize what he’s doing to me. I’m slowing pulling away, forcing myself to have sex with him thinking things will change. He’s been saying why don’t I dress up for him anymore? I used to a lot. I don’t anymore because I feel like I’m being compared and not good enough. He’s making me feel terrible about myself.

I still get looked out and flirted with when out. I’m pretty, hardworking, and compassionate. I take pride in my home and myself. I’m a nurse and a good person.

He says I’m invaded his privacy, it’s none of my business blah, blah, blah. It is my business he’s my husband and it’s affecting our relationship severely! I’m so sad all the time and hiding it the best I can.

So over the excuses
by: Christina

Hi everyone. As I've read all your horrific stories, my heart breaks for each of you. I can relate as my heart has also been shattered repeatedly by the devastation that porn can bring into a relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He has many good qualities, but also has a porn addiction and has for many years. In my case, my boyfriend finally admitted to liking porn. It began for him at 8 yrs. old. He was invited to a friend's and that boy introduced him to porn via VHS tapes, which were the thing at that time. From there, it worsened and intensified, and when internet porn became popular, he was all in. Early in our relationship, I discovered he had "bedroom issues". These issues were in the form of DE (delayed ejaculation). Now, initially, one might not see this as much of a problem. I mean, isn't one of our complaints that some men don't last long? Well, in this case, as many of you know, it wasn't any dream come true, to say the least. It came to my attention that my boyfriend was pleasuring himself several times a week to the tune of hardcore porn use. Let me say, I am not at all opposed to masturbation--it's completely normal. I'm really not even opposed to porn use occasionally when it's viewed together as a couple and mutually agreed upon......BUT when the porn is viewed by the man in secret, and then they lie when they get "caught", and it causes things like DE, that's when it has become problematic and can destroy a relationship, shatter trust, and deplete a women's self-worth.

My sex life with my boyfriend was incredible initially. We moved in together 3 years ago and had amazing sex, sometimes twice a day. I remember one day finding out that he viewed porn after I had left for work in the morning (I leave about 1.5 hours before him). He and I had just had sex the night before. A lot of men complain their partner won't "put out" enough, but I'm here to tell you that has never been the case with me. Not only am I normally open to sex whenever, but I am in it to please him, and have never denied him what he asks for. I thought it was strange that he was unable to finish with regular intercourse, as men normally do. I had never encountered this before and I was married twice. When I found out porn was the cause of his DE, I was of course hurt, but more importantly, I couldn't figure out why he wasn't taking steps to fix it. We fought a lot about this, and I mean a lot! I told him many times I wasn't opposed to porn entirely unless it was causing issues like his, resulting in performance and relationship issues. I also told him I get how single men might be more into that, but why would someone in a committed relationship want to watch porn alone. To make it worse, I am a psychiatric nurse, so the topic of porn issues like this aren't by any stretch foreign to me. I have heard mainly women (but some men too), express their heart-felt stories and the devastation that porn addiction has brought to their lives, at the time never dreaming I was going to be in the eye of the porn hurricane myself.

I am 53 years young, and my boyfriend is 50 years old. I consider myself to be a very young 53. I take great care of myself, I'm active, in shape, do my hair and make-up every day, and get hit on by many men, most of whom are much younger than me.

As a psych nurse, I already know the drill and what needs to happen here to treat this problem. Yet here I am, depressed myself, with my self-esteem plummeting at a fast pace by the day. When we are in love with someone it puts a whole new dimension in with what we know should be common sense.

At first, my solution, so I thought, was to become more open more open minded, so I agreed to view porn with him. Well, this has proved to be a HUGE mistake. It got to the point where every time we had sex (which was daily at first, but since then, every other day), he put his flash drive in the computer and was playing the porn compilations throughout our entire session. During this time, his eyes were affixed to not me, but what was happening on the screen. I was nothing more than a tool for him to use to get off. I lay there as he's doing his thing to me and not once does he glance my way because he's watching some chick get drilled by some guys on the screen. In addition to this, he's unable to finish (minus a few times), unless I provide him with oral gratification. There was no foreplay, no gazing into my eyes, no touching me gently, telling me he loves me, etc. Just sex. I was kidding myself and actually thought I could handle porn being part of my relationship, but this is not at all what I dreamed of my relationship being. I believe that there are cases where if a couple is ok with it and it's occasional, then it's probably ok, but it is NOT ok when it's used in a way that causes distress of any type to the other person, or if it is used all the time in order for him to be able to perform and stay aroused.

I'm really sick and fu****g tired of hearing and reading about men's urges and that porn is normal, that every man looks at it. When you are an adult, YOU are in control of your choices and when you make your choice you better realize there are consequences to those choices. Men continuously say they have this "primal" desire that is inbreeded in them. Well, I've got news for them, if you show me a pic of a hot hard body 25 year old man, next to a 60 year old man, my primal eyes will be more drawn to the 25 year one, every damn time! That's not the point though, all men (and women) have control over the choices they make, so all you men singing the woes that you can't help it because it's a "primal" thing, that is nothing short of BS and you need to grow the hell up, you're not freaking 16 years old anymore.

This shit is creating an army of men even in their 20's who can't get it up anymore because they've managed to rewire their brain so drastically to only being able to have a full sexual response to hardcore porn. They come into my department where I work in their 20's wanting Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, etc., and they go pale when the doctor breaks the news to them that those medications won't work as their issue is not organic, but rather a "brain" problem... Well guys, you better start getting panicked about this because we are creating a world of young impotent men and with the porn industry at an all-time high, this is only going to get worse and worse.

I don't give a damn if men think all men view porn and therefore it's ok for them or not. If you are hurting the woman you profess to love, then grow up and be a man, and realize if you continue this pattern, your relationship will surely die, and you will spend your later years ALONE!

As for me, I know I deserve way better than what's being given back to me by my boyfriend. I'm saving up money and unless there is a miracle, I'm done. I'm angry at myself for lowering my standards to this point for him when I knew better. He should be the one scared, I am a nurse who works full time, while he has lost his job during this covid-19 pandemic and has been on unemployment since late March. We aren't married, so there will be no dividing assets. I'll leave with what I came into the relationship with, including my Lexus; which I purchased!

That being said, I realize I am way luckier than a lot of the women who posted on here, who feel stuck, be it because of having young kids or not having financial means. My heart breaks for all of you ladies and I hope somehow there will be a way for you to get out! My kids are grown up, I am financially independent, and I can leave whenever I want.

My advice to any young woman experiencing a relationship where porn is the focus, MOVE ON if you get any push back at all. Do not lower your standards to please a man. If they love you and know you aren't comfortable with something, they will stop, period! If they love you they will NEVER ask you to compromise your values! Any other BS answer or argument they use as a feeble attempt to justify their actions is just that, BS! In most cases of porn addiction, I can tell you from what I've seen as a healthcare professional, they don't stop and it usually worsens, but I believe it's mostly because they don't want to stop. On a positive note, all men don't use porn as a coping tool. Actually real men don't use it at all because they don't need to. That's the guy I want to meet. Ladies, we all need to strive to keep our own values intact. They should never be allowed to be compromised by anyone! I feel so much better getting this out! Whew!

Mallory
by: Anonymous

I'm with Robin and I completely repeat her words.

Well done, Mallory - you deserve the world, not a d**khead.

To Robin
by: Mallory

Thank you Robin! I will not do this again, it is not worth the heartaches, let alone the useless time spent. He is kissing my ass, I wrote him a really long message (which I will copy and paste it here). I am proud of myself. I have accomplished so much a single mother before him, and I’m going to keep doing it. I don’t want to deal with his problems. If it was a problem he should have laid it out on the table when we were first met, the same that I did. He is running around in panic trying to fix this. His history shows he found a counselor (I call bullshit), he's ordering books, he's reading… but at the end of the day, he is an a**hole who had 1 solid chance and he blew. Not my problem anymore. Here is the message I sent him…

"I feel gross in my own skin. And some days, I feel like no longer trying. I just want to run away. I like to face my own problems, but this, this is just killing me. Every ounce of energy I have is being sucked out of me. I cannot focus. I have no one to turn to. The one person I trusted, I no longer trust. The one person that I thought was my hero, was in return everything but that.

You promised me you would never hurt me when we met. You are the one person I was always so proud of, the one person that I knew I could count on. My best friend, my super hero, my soul mate, my true love. I remember the day I told you I was pregnant, I had so many ideas for when the time came, I was going to surprise you, but I couldn't even hold the excitement it. I remember the day you asked me to marry you, I swore up and down that was one of the best days of my life. I finally had it all. Everything, I ever dreamed of. All the things I finally desired to have, I had it. It’s amazing how one person can make you feel like you are the only person in this world. And it’s amazing how quickly it can get ripped away…

You say, this isn't your fault. You say it has nothing to do with me. I don’t believe you, you have lied about this through and through. Bearing our child, my pregnancy body was supposed to be what you thought was sexy, and attractive… not women on the internet. Not Facebook friends, or suggestions. Not all the porn words you search for. ME. I WAS SUPPOSE TO BE your everything. This IS about me, and your problem created my problems.

I used to be gorgeous. A perfect smile, assets, men would grovel over me, beg me for a date, promised a world that I knew wasn't real. But for some crazy reason, I chose you. I chose your lies, and I never should have. I should have kept pooling the numbers, worry about the kids and my career. Worry about where the kids and I were going to go on vacation, or day trip. Not this shit. I promised after a pill-popping dummy, I would never make myself vulnerable to another man ever again. I thought after my divorce that maybe all men aren't the same. When in fact. Every last one has some f-ed up issue. It’s always drugs, alcohol or women.

I am by no means perfect, I know that for a fact. But, when you're alone, nobody needs to worry about my problems. My anxiety has amplified in the course of months. I thought maybe something was wrong with ME. I know I had commitment issues and communication issues when I met you, I told you. I told you every last one of my deepest darkest secrets (even if it embarrassed me) but I came forward and I told you. You don't want to deal with it, then go. You chose to stick around, you promised you were everything you said you were. That was a lie. All of that honey moon shit would slip away daily. My forever, my best friend, my soul mate, the man whose world I cherished, the man who I once adored and was so smitten over.

I have been kicked down on so many occasions. I do everything for everyone and I know better, yet I still forgive. What the F is wrong with me? Why? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I let my guard down? I want my marriage back, but I know what will happen. Everything I have read all goes back to the same thing. You won't stop, you're just going to get better at hiding it, and I believe you are already a few steps ahead of me. I don’t think for one second in 2 weeks you haven't looked, aside from hot cheerleaders and gorgeous women. I can't live paranoid, I am literally making myself crazy. I am a better person than that, I’m a better mom than that. I am a great wife, at the least, so I thought, I deserved was a good man by my side. Silly me. Fooled again.

I have told you on several occasions, I miss you grabbing my hand in a store, or walking anywhere for that matter. I miss you kissing me like you love me, I miss who I thought you were. I try, I have, but when you pull away, you're just pushing me further and further away. I will never look like a super model, I can try, but it will never replicate what you love. Addiction or not, eventually you're going to get bored with me, I’m not some 5 star rated internet skank. I am Mallory. I can dress up, I can dress down, I can be sexy, but YOU NEVER EVEN GAVE ME A CHANCE TO TRY! You just found what you wanted. YOU clearly are looking for more, because I have told you several times, take pictures of me! I figure if MY HUSBAND has pictures of HIS WIFE, all the BS he has told me about how it isn't me, would go away. Why am I trying so much harder than you?! WHY CANT YOU JUST LOOK AT YOUR WIFE?

YOU DISGUST me. I WISH I had the balls and demoralized brain that d**kheads have because I would do whatever I could to hurt you and make you feel like you are worthless and garbage, like you were nothing but a piece of shit. Ugly, unattractive, unwanted. I wish for one day I didn't have a heart, or a conscience to just F everyone over that has F’d me over. Not once, but MANY times. Regardless if you hurt me or not. You admitted to me you were looking to see if you could find better, you said you were done. I believed you for half a second. Until I saw you were continuing to look for better. Then the sluts you were checking out and watching on Facebook. I truly believe you have spoken to these women. You've admitted you know how to delete things.

Now I sit and wonder, what else has he lied about? Do I need to get checked for STDs? Man, the way a mind runs wild when the most trusted person can take away every bit of security. I pray you never have to feel insecure within your relationships. I have never given you anything but love, trust, honesty, value, and security. I am the way I am because of my past. Now I'm beginning not to wonder why I don’t act like everyone who has ever been in my life. I don’t have it in me to be a straight-up f**k up. I have morals.

And now I plan to revert back to who I was before I met you. That’s what I want. I want to be happy, I want to live and love my life to the fullest. I am financially stable, and have 3 amazing children to hold me high even on my worst days. I will be me again. I will smile and love myself for who I am, not who I'm trying to be because some man made me think I am less than that. I am beautiful and I deserve the world. You will see, I promise you."

All I can say is, he messed up the best damn thing to ever happen to him.

To Mallory
by: Robin

I am so proud of you!

Sending you a huge hug!!!!!!!!! We deserve so much better than this and feeling like we married dirty birds.


Robin

I just found out
by: Mallory

I don’t even know what to say… 1 year of marriage after 3 years dating, and now a 14 month old and my two older children from a previous marriage. I decided to open his tablet one day, and went into his YouTube. I found some things of women dancing in lingerie, then on his YouTube account, I went to settings, then to other Google activity (on his iPad). Well, that’s when it all began, porn videos galore, so I confronted him. He promised to stop, then he got a new phone and threw his old one in the drawer. Well Facebook and other apps were still active. I opened his fb, went to his search activity and all these videos he watch of other women. Then last night he searched his Pinterest for "hot cheerleaders" and "gorgeous women".... I must say, I’m 35 and good looking, wtf is his deal?

I told him the last time 2 weeks ago (mind you I found out about 2 months ago) when I took my wedding rings off to fix his shit.... He put my rings back on me and promised me the world. Last night I texted him "hot cheerleaders" while he went to pick up dinner while doing virtual school with my 2 older kids. I run a logistics company, I did it myself before him, and I’m fixing to do it all again with 3 kids.

After the kids went to bed last night, he told me it was a mistake, he started to look and then stopped. Okay… so that's why you searched 2 different things? I got right in his face and told him "I hope you enjoy porn, other women, and any other s**t you do, because that's all you have now. I told him to eat s**t, find a plan, and get the f** out of MY house. The house is in my name, FYI.... I said you are my mistake, you're no better than my ex-husband, you sir are a complete dirt bag and I’m going to run circles around your sorry ass.

I haven't spoken to him since. Okay, now I’m done. I just don’t have anyone to vent too! Stay safe ladies. I did the abusive marriage shit with my ex-husband and if you’re in the same situation, get the f*** out. If you need questions answered and want to know how I did it, feel free to ask. I refuse to be the crap on the bottom of some condescending assholes shoe, and neither should any of you gorgeous women. I am so glad to have found other people going through this. I thought I was just an insecure woman.

To: Not sure what to do...
by: Gail

There are huge warning signs with your husband. Please listen to the advice from other women who have been through the roller coaster ride of porn addiction to save yourself from a life of heartache, lies and emotional abuse.

There is no way this just started up a few months ago. His depth of addiction is alarming. Porn addiction escalates from viewing pictures and videos to reaching out and chatting and connecting with women. Sending pictures is absolutely a sign of a man who has lost his sense of reasoning.

If this is not alarming enough, then spending the $$$ should be the icing on the cake. He could well be spending a lot more you do not even know about. He is lost in a web of addiction and lies. Don't make the mistake of staying for decades and watching your money disappear.

Bottom line...the best thing you can do is separate immediately and focus on yourself. Get an education and a good job. You deserve better.

Not sure what to do
by: Anonymous

I’ve been married for 5 years. We have a 15 month old daughter, but my husband’s porn addiction has just started 3 months ago. He’s always liked porn but now he’s paying for it and started taking pictures of himself and sending them to women. I told him to stop the first time I saw what he was doing. The 2nd time he made the excuse that it’s not real women, it’s just a computer you’re chatting with. The third time I found the $700 he’s put on credit cards and found pictures on his phone of himself. He told me that I needed to stop digging for stuff, that it was just porn. I don’t know what to do and really not sure if he’s done more than what I’ve found, especially since I know he’s a good liar. I’m willing to work through this with him, but I’m not sure how I can trust him again?!?

Never, ever trust a man.
by: Anonymous

I discovered my husband’s porn use on my birthday two months ago. He had the time to pleasure himself, but couldn't find the time to get me a $20 gift I had told him about several times. His porn habit has been going on for at least 6 of the 16 years we've been married. For the full 16 years he's been an alcoholic and a liar.

When I met him he sold himself as a very moral man with great integrity. My first husband was a porn and sex addict, so when I met my second husband, I vowed to have a long engagement and make sure to check him out in every way possible. We were engaged for 3 years and I watched his behavior closely. He told me over and over that he hated porn. He certainly learned to love it after 10 years of marriage.

From the beginning of our marriage he never seemed to like sex. His first marriage ended because of that very reason. I begged him to see a therapist but he insisted that he was okay. I gave up my sex life because I thought he might be gay but I was willing to stay with him because I loved him so much. I dressed up for work and used to wear the skirts, hose and heels that I found out he was looking up in porn and getting off on it. I got compliments all the time on my looks and figure, but I never did anything for him.

When I found the soft porn, hard porn and pictures of celebrities on his phone, I was disgusted. He has a thing for underage Korean girls. He has the mentality of a 14 year old, porn has this effect on people. He has admitted that if he didn't wake up stiff, he would watch porn to get that way. He watched soft porn at work and would go into the bath room to get off.

The content of the porn he was watching was disgusting. I found that he watched a step-father messing around with his step daughter. He is a step-father to my daughter. I had to ask my daughter if she had ever felt unsafe around him. Luckily she said she didn't, but she figured out why I had asked. Now that situation is weird.

He has quit drinking and viewing porn (2 months now) because he wants to stay together. I wrote a contract with my demands, I bought a breathalyzer, and he traded in his phone and got one that doesn't have internet. His computer has also had the internet disabled, I have spyware on it to make sure. When I leave the house, I take my laptop with me. I'm having him sign a quit claim deed to our property, sign the savings accounts over to me and agree to pay me a substantial amount of spousal support if he falls off the wagon with the booze or the porn.

I love him but I'm not afraid to live on my own. It's better than living with a selfish, lying, drunk porn addict. We're both seeing a therapist. I have PTSD from the stuff I saw on his phone and I've starting having panic attacks too. I know I'll never respect and love him like I used to, he has harmed the woman he vowed to protect. I urge all of you ladies to see a therapist and journal your feelings. Both have helped me so much. Come what may, I know that I'll never be the same person I was and I'll NEVER, EVER trust another man.

Confusion and lies..
by: Gail

Internet porn has destroyed marriages and individuals...very sad.

My heart breaks for all the hurting women on this page. I had to end my 26 year old marriage to a man over this.

It just never ends...the gas lighting, lying and yes their brain physically changes. They become angry and sarcastic individuals. Men and women are spending their time staring at filth on a computer screen...and I am talking some dark and disturbing stuff...it escalates to acting out and contacting people...affairs etc...

Internet porn fuels human trafficking and pedophilia. It is the downfall of society.

Get out sooner rather than later...it destroys everyone involved...leave. Work on healing and focus on loving and taking care of yourself.

Confusion and Lies
by: Christie

I found out 2 1/2 years ago and have been processing the trauma as best as I can, which is to say not very well. I find myself at times raging, sad, angry, and questioning do I even know this person that I’ve been married to for 20 years? The lies and gaslighting are the worst and leave the worst scars.

One of the worst aspects of this is the way it has colored my world...I now truly see men as vile and disgraceful. Even old men, as I’ve now read and researched so much and come to know even women in their 70s who are grandparents are dealing with this insanity with their husbands. As men say, "all men do it, get over it". We are being taught as a society to accept and even embrace porn, and the consequences are going to be truly devastating.

When I go for a walk with my husband (or do anything now really) and a woman or teen passes, I imagine he is sizing her up naked, dreaming of what she’d be like in bed. And why wouldn’t he? He’s been watching porn daily, up to 6x a day, for the last 10+ yrs... An obsession/addiction like that has to color your experience in the world. I was NEVER like this. I really thought he was respectful of me…what a joke. I definitely have PTSD and betrayal trauma over this, and it’s hard to cope and see any beauty in the world anymore. When I threatened to leave, he says he’ll go to therapy. I’m like, "why? So you can fantasize about f***ing the therapist?" They do NOT get better, only better at hiding it. Read any stories from women, you will see.

I’d also like to add that when your man is addicted past a certain level, there is ALWAYS more to it… You may not have found it yet, but brace for it. I can’t tell you the form it will take… could be an interest in choking, talk of threesomes, anger at you when you aren’t "performing ", money spent on cam girls, chatting, hookups, visiting adult shops, or worse. But over time, it will escalate. It’s like being an alcoholic that only drinks 4oz of vodka every day for 10 years… it ain’t gonna stay at that level.

I am not sure if I will leave. Some days I really want to, for the main reason that this is changing my personality and outlook and happiness so much. But realistically, probably not because I have put so much in, 20 years and 3 children, and also for the simple fact that there is nothing better out there. Because I was the woman who was SO glad to have such a decent and respectful husband who "wasn’t like that", that I respected too...but that shit was all a lie.

Need legal advice
by: Anonymous

Is it possible to have him arrested? How? What I need to do?

I know my husband is addicted to porn, watches when he is alone or when I’m sleeping. He plays with himself when watching. The history of his tablet is full of porn. He sleeps in a separate room for every stupid excuse.

He lies, lies and lies endlessly about everything to everyone. He has cheated on me too. I saw a text from a girl on his mobile screen and he denied and lied again. Sometimes he smokes again secretly.

He also has suffered with depression in the past, but didn’t tell me about it before our marriage. Another lie. He had a very sever episode a couple of years ago and that was the first time I knew about it. He is so narcissist too. He believes he is a genius and can do anything and I can’t do anything about it.

I just want everybody knows about him and all his disgusting behaviors. Please help me how he can be arrested by law?

Never ending
by: Anonymous

All this makes me so sad. I haven’t read or written in a long time and it’s so crazy how reading bits and pieces from here and there makes me relive my own experiences which I am still going thru. I am still with the guy, hate him more than I love him. Don’t know why I haven’t kicked his ass out yet because he does absolutely nothing. Oh excuse me… he plays with himself, watch porn and smokes his life away.

This corona virus was it. I thought that maybe, possibly, he might wake up and be a productive member of the household with seven kids. No, not him. It was the perfect time for him to play stressed and even more dysfunctional. Here I go home schooling, cleaning, bathing, feeding, even doing laundry by hand. And he smokes, naps, and yanks his thang.

I’m angry and can’t remember the last time I felt any empathy towards him. Even the kids dislike him. When a three year old says I don’t love you… wow most men would shape up, but not him. He plays the role of the apologetic for a day or two… "How can I help you" or "I'm so proud of you". Man, it’s the same line for years, except now I don’t care. I like to catch him and become angrier. I deserve better but I chose him, so sometimes I feel like I deserve this. I officially have moved to the living room and sleep on the floor just not to be near him (even his smell gets me mad along with his voice and his face). Every other day he is leaving me because I can’t love him the way he needs. Joke right?! The way he needs? Listen run, run, run. We deserve better. WE DESERVE BETTER!!!! I truly applaud the person who came out of this addiction because honestly it hurts everyone.

To The Jewish Man writer
by: Anonymous

That is one horrific story. I hope that you are moving on and finding happiness. You were strong and did the right thing, best of luck to you.

The Jewish Man
by: Anonymous

It happens in my home too. I married a man 14 years older than me. I married him thinking I would escape an abusive home. He promised me the world. At the time he was a converted Orthodox Jew. He's African American. We had looks of hate from every corner. He wasn't supposed to marry a non-Jew. He grew up Catholic. His parents didn't like me because I'm white. My parents didn't like him because of his age and race.

All that was nothing compared to what he was hiding. He converted a room in the house to his prayer room. I called it his man cave. He would hide behind his religion and say he was praying when in reality he was using porn 8-plus hours every Saturday. Saturday he said is his holy day when he's not even supposed to use electricity. Every Saturday turned into ALL weekend. All weekend turned into every single night plus the weekend.

I became a shell. One part of me I had to prove this man wasn't a bad man and what everyone in my family said. His family was always talking about what a great man he was. His Rabbi telling me he's the Jew who follows the strictest he's ever seen. I couldn’t take it anymore and TOLD his Rabbi everything. After a few weeks my husband was arrested for downloading child porn.

So what I thought was bad got even worse. This "holy man" had downloaded over 1000 images of children being abused. Some were babies. This man knew nothing of what he preached. That man who told me I couldn’t eat bacon in "his house", the man that forced me to convert the whole kitchen to meet his standards. The man who said we can never go out on Friday nights because of his Sabbath. The man that told me turning on or off a light was work and not allowed. That entire time he was looking at images of everything from babies to grandmothers doing porn. I'm glad he’s in prison. He’s disgusting.

Porn Kills Trust, Turning the Tables...
by: Sunshine and Clouds

2 Years ago, on my daughter’s 16th birthday, my husband was annoyed by the noise in the house and so went out to the shed. I had a strong urge to go out there. He was pants down, watching porn. I was shocked and freaked out. I demanded his phone and found he had been watching porn daily, up to 6x a day, for at least as long as his phone history held (it was for years I later found out)...I also found a "p**sy in a can" in his backpack, and that he was hiding steroid use (was also obsessed with his body and the gym). Christmas Eve when he was "too tired" to wrap gifts with me for the kids, he watched porn for hours unbeknownst to me.

He never had time to forge a relationship with the kids, too busy self-gratifying. Slowly, the lies, betrayal, and shock absolutely began to consume and destroy me, as you all know. The sick feelings, the lack of concentration, not caring about anything, and the hyper vigilance, all began. Also found out he was looking at backpage ads and sending them to young coworkers.

We had been married 20 years at this point. I told him I’m disgusted, completely had the rug ripped out from me, grief over "what else don’t I know?" I thought we really had a great marriage. In many ways we do/did. We actually had a very good sex life. The problem is when it wasn’t frequent enough for him over the years that he would not want to talk to me, treat me differently, be angry/extremely moody...this began about 8 years ago. Even marking on a calendar how many days it had been, etc. Staring at me in a weird sexual way in strange scenarios, making sexual innuendos all the time...I imagine this was around the time he really got into it. I truly thought I would divorce him. I had found videos when we met because he brought them into my apartment and I freaked out at the time and told him I’m not into it, don’t bring that shit into my home. So he always knew how I felt because I told him clearly.

But I had serious issues with my oldest child at this time, and my stress and anxiety were such that I felt I had to think with a clear head and not ruin 20 years of marriage over a "porn addiction". We had 2 other children also, and ultimately I could not wreak that havoc. I still do love him, but I do realize that he is a sex/porn addict. Sometimes I wish he would just be a bastard all around, that would make it easier for me, but he is not. The tears, acknowledgements, excuses, endless conversations (most very open and productive), but the trust will NEVER be the same. EVER. Because he obviously did it again, just got better at hiding it, even saying he was leaving his personal phone home "out of respect" for me, then getting another device to view on, and on and on.

I have had a strong need to "take my power back" that he stole from me. I don’t see this talked about a lot and wanted to share this. I don’t say this is the healthiest or best thing to do, but I am in this right now (he put me/us here), and I’m angry at the lies and betrayals. I need him to feel the hurt and just what this does to a partner. So I made him take me out more (he never took me anywhere, I was a good, very good stay at home wife and mom)...going to bars, clubs, with me drinking and flirting, and he has to deal with it.

Now, I know not every man you can do this with! If he is abusive, forget it! Do not play this game! Men come up to him all the time and say, "Hey, don’t mean to be forward, but your wife is beautiful", or offer to buy a drink and just generally stare, and he hates it. I’m loving it. You see, he had in his home a sexual, loving, very beautiful, gentle and easygoing woman, who made a great home, great cook, excellent mom...but it wasn’t enough, he needed to endlessly watch other women having sex, bottom line.

So I told him I’ve decided to start looking at what he’s so fascinated about, since in many, many tearful episodes I would ask him, "how would you feel if I had this whole hidden sexual life you knew nothing about? How would you feel if I watched it?" And he assured me it was no big deal, and he’d be fine with it. Guess what? Turns out he’s NOT so fine with it! Turns out he’s quite tortured by it now, since I tell him things like, "wow, I can’t believe this guy was that big, I haven’t seen many naked men in my life, that’s crazy!" Or casually say in a quiet moment, "You know, maybe I need a toy too, just something that can stay harder longer, you know?" "Maybe something a little wider." And then he takes me to buy it and I use it halfway through being with him to "finish". And make a big show of how exciting it is, how interesting and pleasing! He likes the big fake show, right? So I also got sexy and crazy lingerie, and he can wonder if it’s all only for him. (He says he does and feels anxious) I send him pics while at work, and tell him he’s made me ultra-sexualized, maybe I should post pics and make money, after all, I’m 34DD and great body just like he loves to endlessly search up! Told him I realized maybe I haven’t been that fulfilled, (just like when he used to check off my days against me)and so now he’s taking Viagra because he can’t keep up and tells me he feels scared, and less than, and wonders if I’ll leave him. And here he told me it’s no big deal! Every guy does it and he wouldn’t care if I did...hmmm!

I dressed up with black dress, stockings, heels, one recent day when the kids weren’t home and said, "Come home and pretend you’re a workman coming to my house when my husband is away, to service me." He said he felt so awkward he couldn’t perform. I said go take a pill then, why should I be let down? All this fantasy is "to spice things up, right?" He started to be upset. I proceeded to take him around the house as if he were really there to do work, and show him how our house needs SO many things done that he has neglected over many years because of his needs and obsessions...it didn’t feel so sexy to him then...but I must say I felt VERY sexy and empowered. Then when he couldn’t perform after 2 pills, I took the work belt and tossed it out the front door and said, "sorry honey, please leave...I wanted a man that could service me, you aren’t it." How’s that for a script? He sat on the porch, I laughed...my first movie! I think I enjoyed it more.

So now he has to contend with high anxiety, just like I did...with not knowing, with feeling afraid and less than. With feeling sick to your stomach that there’s more you don’t know. I wish that one man can truly love one woman, but that is shattered for me, as my husband has virtually been with thousands of women, drooled and lusted over them in his car, his work truck, our home, our bedroom, etc. Teens, all manner of disgusting scenarios, talking of threesomes and more and I sometimes wish I could go back to something more innocent. I know ignorance isn’t bliss, but sometimes I wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then. I mean not really, but my head and heart have such complication now.

I can never love him the same way, his porn use has introduced more dysfunction into our lives than I can say, more distrust and sadness, and I for one am trying to take some power back, to at the very least make him FEEL the damage he’s caused knowingly, eyes wide open, again and again... as I decide if this marriage is worth saving. Anyone relate?

To: I hate him
by: Anonymous

Your husbands porn addiction breaks and degrades you and even if they say sorry you are broken to the point where you don't know whether you'll ever be healed or whole again. To them it's just porn to us it's humiliating and hurtful.

I hate him
by: Ann

We've been together for close to 40 years and it was a year ago I found out how much porn he had been watching. Our sex life became nonexistent about 5 years ago, and although I wasn't happy about it I didn't say too much. I chalked it up to his drinking. I got so tired of asking if we could have sex this weekend and being turned down. He has always done things like try and grab my boobs and rub all over me. But it got to where I would get so mad when he did that because after so long of thinking he wanted sex and then him saying no that he was just playing, I built up huge resentments that now I can't even stand for my nipples to be touched. Something I used to enjoy. I am still amazed at how all of this came to light and about how he doesn't see anything wrong with it. At one point I tried to kill myself and even that didn't stop him. Let that sink in. He cared more for porn than my life.

We have been thru so much together like losing our 19 year old daughter in a wreck and our son going to prison, us raising his son..... I just don't know any more about anything. I feel like somebody kidnapped the man I knew and replaced him with this unfeeling, mean, negative porn loving piece of shit. I hate him.

The only thing I know to do is set him down and have one final round and be very clear that I will leave and live in my car if need be before I live like this anymore. Everything everyone has mentioned I have experienced also. I feel for all of us, all of you because I know how empty you feel. I want to hurt him back. I want to beat the ever loving crap outa him for days. Even if I could he still would never experience the pain that I've felt.

I thought I had the best husband ever, everyone else thought we were perfect too. As they say, if it's too good to be true then it probably is. Even if he beats this I still don't know if I want to stay. I'm broken and sometimes it feels like too big of a job to put myself back together.

For narcissists are scary
by: Anonymous

HI there,

I hope things are okay with you - you mentioned that you don't know what to do. Do you have children? Are you able to leave and have financial security? Or has he been able to take total control. Are you getting advice from anyone?

I have a husband with these traits and I want to ask about your husband’s family, especially his mother, do they have these traits too. Or are they supportive of you and the havoc their son has caused?

My mother-in-law is a complete bully and very nasty. She too has lied to keep her son protected - it's just a horrible situation when all you ever wanted was love and peace in your life.

I hope you can find a way to get back to you...

Narcissist are scary
by: Anonymous

Omg! I think I just read exactly what I am going through with my husband!!!! Everything from narcissist to porn addiction to putting us in debt.... it’s goes on and has been for 11 years. I don’t know what to do anymore. The manipulation and lies. I can never talk about my feelings b/c I shouldn’t have them. He dismisses me about everything. They have too much pride. They don’t change. You can pray, but you have to PRAY for protection.

So true
by: Anonymous

Catherine, I felt the need to respond as you make the point I have been thinking about. For some of the women on here, perhaps the pornography addiction is the only thing they experience. But if you are married to a narcissist, it is so much worse. (If they are a narc before the porn I mean). The porn for me was just one more pile on top of all of the other piles of narcissistic abuse, selfishness, deceit, lies, and loneliness. Yes, porn definitely makes them worse, but really I feel so stupid for not waking up way, way before that part became clear. I hope the younger ladies on here listen and run before it's too late.

We are not the problem, they are.
by: Catherine

I feel so sorry for the situation that pornography brings, but at the end of the day, we will always remember how it made us feel and how our partner made us feel.

I have got to the stage where I look back and reflect on why I didn't get out sooner or at least react to the situation in a different manner. I guess my slow reaction came about for two reasons (although there are many more):

1) The people in my life didn't seem to see a problem with pornography and couldn't understand my feelings which led to me believing there was something wrong with me.

2) And when you're unaware that you are consistently lied to because you would never think that a person, let alone your partner/husband, could lie to you so much and be a compulsive liar - you can't react. I could never have lied to my husband as much as he lied to me. It took a lie detector test to bring everything out - who on earth has to go to such lengths? I feel a bit crazy!

On my death bed, I do not think I could have my husband there, pretending that he cares for me. He looked at porn behind my back for 20 years, and got us in severe financial debt - over half a million dollars. He created a toxic environment for my children and extended family, was utterly selfish in so many respects, including masturbating next to his daughter as she slept, was deceitful beyond my imagination. His narcissistic traits which I see now more than ever - it all makes me sick to my bones. He controlled our finances, spending so much money on materialistic items, including an Audi which we couldn't afford. But at the time I didn't know we were in financial debt because he hid it all from me and lied - this is not the behavior you think that a partner would do to you - it's inconceivable, but it happens.

I grew up on the poverty line, and I was looking for a better future for my children - these narcissistic humans take that away because they do not care about anyone except for themselves. We are not the problem, they are.

RE: Husband
by: Anonymous

It's not you! It's an addition that never stops. Have you read all the other posts? It only gets worse. It's not his medicine. That's just something to throw you off. I've heard it all… the medicine part, I'm just not that physical or have a high sex drive too, it’s hard for him when all we do is fight. Well we fight because he watches porn behind my back!! Once they find out you know and are suspicious about it, they hide it better and better. And when you keep finding out, they change it up and find different ways to hide it. My husband bought a laptop and said it was his works and it was all confidential info on there so I couldn't look at it. I found this out after he left that job and he still had that computer. I don’t put anything past these sickos.

To: Husband
by: Anonymous

This is not about you or anything you are or aren’t doing. Your husband’s porn addiction most likely started long before you knew him. He needs help. When he stops what he is doing, his natural attraction will be to you. Unfortunately, porn is an evil industry that destroys relationships, marriages and the integrity of one’s mind. Take a firm stand with him. You are on a roller coaster that you need to decide whether or not you want to continue for possibly the rest of your life with him. I lived with it for 10 years and recently said enough is enough. I could no longer handle the lies, mistrust and lack of affection myself. Ask yourself this, "am I okay with how this makes me feel?" If the answer is no, then get out before you lose years of your life to this unhappiness.

Husband
by: Anonymous

My husband and I have been married for a year and been together two. I have found out he watches porn and then lies about. He used to be all into me and then he wasn't after we got married. He blames it on his medicines he takes, but I think it's just I'm not attractive to him. I want to know what I can do so that my husband wants me and not to watch other women.

to - again and again
by: Gail

I can relate… these men were addicted prior to the marriage. I always knew something was off. There was no true connection. His lust was out of control. When internet porn arrived it was the end...it is insidious and downright disgusting filth that supports human trafficking and defiles women.

It literally changes men's brains and personalities. It really shows you the true character of these so called addicts. Narcissism runs deeps in these men. They have literally been with thousands of women and their views towards the opposite sex becomes twisted and self-serving. Sex with these men will be lonely and dirty. Not how it was intended to be...

To: Again and again
by: Anonymous

Please don’t stay because you’re worried about the gifts etc. These men don’t change, they just get sneaker. My husband had his own laptop which I didn’t know about. When I found it, he said it’s a government lap top and it was confidential so I couldn't look at it. He in the military. He was lying the whole time! We went to counseling and he promised he was done looking at porn time and time again. I want to cheat on my husband too! I also want to win the lottery so I can support myself.

We are almost retired now and this has been going on our whole marriage. It took me a long time to find out cause he would go out of town for work and be gone for 2 or 3 months. I thought it was so weird when he came home he never wanted sex. I thought he was gay. Then of course you start to blame yourself that there something wrong with you. We haven’t had sex in 11 yrs. If I ever say anything about sex, he acts like he is sick or has a headache or he will say tomorrow. NOT LIKE I EVEN WANT too, but I find it weird how he makes up excuses.

I feel stuck! I have no education. No job and he carries the insurance for us. I do have rentals, but if we divorce he will get half the money. He is on 100% disability from the air force and I can’t get any of that money if we divorce so I feel so screwed! He would be able to take from me, but I can’t get anything from him. I asked him why he would bring me into something like this. He was addicted to porn before he married me. He had to of been. He doesn't answer me when I ask him. Sorry I'm rambling on. But if they want to watch porn they will and you can’t stop them.

Again and again
by: T

I don’t even know where to begin. Just know it’s something that’s happened so many times before. I even had a mental break down to the point where I needed medication the last time I found out. And yet he constantly lies.

Our one year anniversary was late June. We decided to take a road trip almost over two weeks for our one year anniversary. May be a few weeks before our anniversary I found out yet again that he had been lying to me and He had been watching.

He seems so sincere and even starts crying himself when I find out, but of course you can’t help but feel hopeless when you’ve been lied to. I figured out how to block apps from his phone. I figured out how to make it to where you can’t delete any of your history. I thought we were doing great yet again. I am stupid. We went on vacation and for our gift I got him new AirPods because he "loves to listen to music".

I ask him all the time that if he feels intrigued to watch it to at least let me know and I even ask every now and then and give him the chance to tell the truth and he lies straight to my face. His wife of a year, his best friend of six years. His supposedly future child bearer. Nothing hurts more than to want to leave but don’t want to leave at the same time. A few weeks after vacation, I picked up a second job and work 60 plus hours a week. My husband can work 15-30 (it just depends) so he’s at home a lot right now. He texts me and says he is working on projects at his moms house and I had been very proud of how productive he had been. (He had a gaming issue too)

One day I just could sense something was up. I got off work, didn’t say I was on my way home, snuck in the house and barged into the bathroom. I didn’t catch him doing the action but he had his AirPods in and his phone covered immediately. He tried to lie to my face AGAIN and tell me it’s music and that he was about to shower. I truly wanted to believe him since I know how much he likes music. But when I asked to see his phone... he tossed it and got red. I picked it up and yet again felt crushed that I’m not good enough. That there was another lady he saw pleasure in and that he had been lying to me for another month before, during and after our one year anniversary celebration.

At this point he’s lucky he made it to a year. He wanted to stop me with what I was doing, to try and not have a breakdown, to "be honest" to me. He figured out how to change the settings on his phone almost instantly. What was I thinking? He’s more technologically smart than I am to go through the trouble of changing settings, deleting everything and lying to me and pretending like he’s some top notch husband. It really truly hurts. He said before our anniversary, after our last argument there was a time where I was upset with him a lot. He felt bad about himself and couldn’t help it. Then, during our road trip we had a great time and he chose to not tell me but rather start over anew. Afterwards, I got so busy working a lot that we never had time for sex and he picked up and resorted to porn again.

That is truly not fair. For marriage is supposed to be through thick and through thin. He never even considered why I was moody (apparently my birth control is known to cause mood swings, it could have been stressful at work, who knows) but he NEVER even considered. We decided to move from a $400 apartment to a house that cost well over $1000. I figured it be best to pick up two jobs and actually do something with my life. I’d come home and he’d be mad that I wouldn’t help him clean or fold clothes when I’d literally be in pain from standing all day. I would come home to dinner, something clean he’s done and a "happy husband" as if everything was handy dandy when he knew deep down he’s lying again. I told him I understand like an idiot.

This is the strongest I’ve ever been. This is the first time I didn’t have a mental breakdown because at this point I’m just highly disappointed. I just want to cheat on him. I’ve had my own problems I’ve told the truth and I’ve moved on. I never cheated on him. I literally sat at the lake to talk with some guy I used to like, but that was before marriage and a long time ago when we barely dated. I MOVED ON when I saw how much that hurt my best friend, my lifelong friend.

To top things off I don’t even know how to handle it. He asked me the same night I just found out that he lied to me again if we can have sex. He asked me as if now that I know I’m the problem... the reason why he watches porn, it’s okay to be pushy for sex and I’m supposed to say yes and be some fantastic wife to a man who doesn’t deserve my time. I haven’t worn my ring in a few days. Mainly because it stopped fitting and maybe I need to go up a size but it feels good knowing I didn’t show anyone I was bonded to some jerk who jerks off and doesn’t deserve a lick of my time. I don’t even know who to turn to. I don’t want anyone close to know something so personal. I guess pre-marital counselors, which we already tried once.

Who knows if my husband even went to them like I asked? I feel worthless, useless inside but my heart knows I deserve so much more and it may be time to go. My biggest fear is wasting people’s time. We had a huge nice wedding and tons of gifts and congrats just to throw it all away in a little over a year when it’s supposed to be until the end of time.

To: Found the courage to leave
by: Gail

You are doing the right thing!! I cannot emphasize that enough. This does not get better. The broken promises and lies will remain with you.

Focus on your job, education and good solid and supportive friendships. Internet pornography is vile and absolutely supporting human trafficking...we live in a world of greed and selfishness.

Proud of you… You will look back one day and thank yourself for being strong… xoxo

Just Found Out Boyfriend is a Porn Addict
by: Anonymous

Hello. I am 27 and I just found out a few days ago that my boyfriend is addicted to porn. I have been a complete wreck since finding out, although now that I know, I can’t say that I am all that surprised since all his behaviors now make sense (never initiating sex, never kissing me, never looking at me, never talking to me during sex, no foreplay). Sadly enough I spent the past 2 years telling myself that these behaviors were because I wasn’t skinny enough, didn’t have a nice enough body, etc. it has been mental torture that I have agonized over for 2 years.

Despite now knowing that all of this is due to his addiction it is still so very far for me to not feel absolutely hideous and worthless.

The only slight comfort I can find is that he takes full ownership that it is wrong, that it’s ruining our relationship, that it’s ruining his brain and his ability to have normal physical love. He says he will go to therapy and he has already put blocking software on his phone, laptop, and computer. Although he has lied about it up until now.

I want to believe he will change but I can’t help but feel that there’s no guarantee an addict will change and I can’t live this way any longer. Has anyone on here had success as far as their partner breaking this addiction? Needless to say I do love him very much or else I wouldn’t even be considering helping him through this.

I found the courage to leave
by: Anonymous

My husband of 10 years has been lying to me about his porn addiction for most of our marriage. I'm not one to sneak into his phone or tablet, but one day about 4 years ago, I asked to use his phone for a google search. It was really innocent. That's when I saw the porn site. What worried me was that either of my two daughters could have seen what I saw. I confronted him about it. He did admit to using porn and agreed to seek help. He said he had an addiction to it. He's already in recovery for drugs and alcohol, so I thought he would understand recovery for porn too.

He left the home for 2 months and started going to meetings at our church. I thought it was working. He also has anger issues. I'm not okay with those either. Supposedly he was trying to work on that too. What really bothers me is that we are very engaged in our church, he and I both serve, and he is living a double life. What if they knew who he was? Why isn't he honest about this and find support. So many questions I had.

So he says he's been in "recovery' for this for 3 years and is even collecting recovery chips. Deep down in my heart, I knew there was something still happening. How do you go from many times a week to nothing at all with our sex life not changing? HE quit asking for sex. I felt undesirable, not wanted and even questioned if it was my fault.

No, it's not my fault. He has a problem. I caught him last week in our bedroom jerking off to porn on his phone. The worst part was he had the door open and my 17 year old daughter was home asleep. I'm home too, working because of Covid. What if it was my daughter that walked in on him?

Enough is enough. I told him it's over. That was last Monday. By Saturday I had a realtor over and our house is now listed for sale. I'm not completely sure how I will make ends meet. Where I will move to, or even how I will emotionally recover. One thing I do know however, is that I don't deserve the lying, cheating and feelings that I have over this.

I know I will be okay someday. I hope it is soon.

To: Porn addiction is something I had no idea about until it broke me!
by: Anonymous

Your story sounds like mine. Married at 23, never had other serious relationships. I’m now retired at 62, he is almost 65. I’m here to tell you it never ends. He was even visiting dating sites several years ago. Before that he spent thousands on lap dances at strip clubs (I found out many years later). He is now obese, bald, and unhealthy (alcoholic, PIED). I am active, 120 lbs, and take care of my health. Yet he prefers porn. He has pictures of young girls on his phone. He’s spent countless hours and money on porn sites. If I leave now I lose my house (which is paid for) and half my savings (he has nothing saved). I also have considered suicide. But he’s not worth it. I’m retired now and just biding my time. Sometimes I wish he would find someone else and leave. They will never "get it", no matter how much pain they put you through. It’s an addiction, and their "drug" comes first. If you have the means, leave now before you are stuck. You deserve so much more.

One way to know
by: Robin

So sorry you are in the same boat as so many of us was or is. Mine never stopped lying.

For his penis to work the masturbation had to stop all together.

It was the ED or PIED that took its toll on me plus the rejection, which when he was clean he did not reject me. Of course it felt like rejection when ED happened and I knew he was using again.

Don't do it
by: Anonymous

Yes, you’re right about all the lies, it's enough to make a person snap! Please don’t hurt yourself if you catch him again. He’s not worth it. I feel like everyone’s story is my story. I feel like he’s going to have to answer to his maker someday. I hope sooner than later! We went to counseling a hand full of times just to catch him still doing it. I have absolutely no respect for my husband. I don’t even expect him to stop as of now because I know he never will. My job right now is to make his life miserable, like he has done to me.

Porn addiction is something I had no idea about until it broke me!
by: Anonymous

It’s nice to know I’m not alone! It’s something you can’t really talk about with friends or family as it’s more than embarrassing! This leaves us alone, very alone. I’m sure part of the reason now I have PTSD is because of my husband’s use of porn and the constant lying about it. We met and started dating at the age of 17. Married at the age of 23. In fact, we both hadn’t been with anyone else sexually (that I know of).

I had no idea he had a problem and we have been together for 27 years now. Who knows how long he has hidden his addiction of porn. I’m guessing he has lied to me about porn hundreds of times. So much so I have lost almost all my trust. He works in the mines so is away every second week and has been doing this job for a decade now!

The lies, hurt, and broken promises hurts! You can only forgive so many times before you feel like you are losing your mind and going crazy. I got some blame put back on me when I dared to confront him about it, just like all you ladies! He would deny every time until I produced evidence how I knew what he was doing. I think that hurt the most, being lied to straight to my face. I tried everything. He could see I was being destroyed mentally but he kept going and jerking off to porn. Who knows if he ever slept with anyone else when he is onsite on the camp? It makes it worse because I don’t trust him!

I have given him everything and so many chances. We went to therapy a few times and after that he says he doesn’t watch porn or look at women etc. to jerk off! But I’m really struggling because deep down inside my gut I know he is most probably lying to me right? He has told me all men do it and there is nothing wrong with it. But it was affecting our sex life and it felt like I was the one always wanting and initiating sex! I have a high sex drive myself so I had to put up with just getting very little.

I am sick of rejection and my self-esteem has taken a huge blow! I am pretty good looking and like my friends said, I could have married lots of guys as they found me desirable. But now I feel so undesirable I have put a wall up around myself as I have thought about not being able to take another time of him lying to me mentally. I have a daughter who is 10 and I rescue animals from Death row so that gives me lots of love and joy. But I’m scared if he keeps going on I might snap and actually do myself in! I really hope he is telling the truth as I’ve never felt more alone.

to: I am still torn...
by: Gail

If you can support yourself, then absolutely get out now! A good job and being self-sufficient is huge. Most women suffer for decades because they are not financially independent. I would give anything to go back and do it all differently.

LADIES - a smart counselor once said…"take the emotions out of the equation for a few minutes, think about your situation from a logical perspective. Is this truly living? Is this a normal and healthy environment? Are you emotionally and mentally supported and happy as an individual?"

I think you know the answers.....look after yourselves and focus on self-healing.

To so torn
by: Anonymous

Don't believe nothing he says. YES it's his body but it affects YOU with what he doing and going to continue to do. You said you make enough to be on your own. THANK God for that. I'm not in that situation or I would be so gone. I was like you at first, still holding on to hope. Trying to blame myself and asking "what if it's just me?"…

But years down the road you will HATE him for all the lies and most importantly the years he stole from you when you could have moved on with someone who treats you right. I don't have sex with my so called husband/ roommate. We just live in the same house. Please save yourself! I wish I would have known about this 15 years ago.

Dirty Bird
by: Robin

Mine told me I made him feel like he was a pervert and I said if the shoe fits.

I would catch him looking at me in my sleep and in the bath. It felt so dirty.

The list goes on, anymore I am wondering in some way if all couples are dealing with this.

I do not want to wonder at 71, so glad I am separated now.

Huge liars again HUGE LIARS!!!! Cannot believe anything they say. If staring at other women, what else may he be doing? Please get checked for STDs (anyone that is dealing with this). Take care of yourself first and trust your gut feelings.

To- I am still torn
by: Robin

First of all, you’re in shock, sex starved and not in a good frame of mind (most likely). Second his brain is on porn, they are or can be mean creatures and it fuels the dopamine high. When mine said cruel things I stopped listening, porn only fueled his narc traits.

For me I lived like you. Once the first discovery, then, the relapses. The list goes on. They do not understand how ugly porn makes us feel.

Whether you stay or go it is up to you, I just could not take the relapses, porn subs anymore.

The ED sex was the worst and felt like work, not making love. We have separated since he lied for almost a year about his ED or PIED who knows anymore but low and behold he quit and it started working again. With every excuse as to why it did not work but the truth.

I went through many phases after discovery and before discovery. The rejection or selfish sex just did so much damage it me. Selfish sex (aka just get hard and hump me- no kissing, eyes always closed)… if it worked and if it did not go soft. You see, we do not or are not tight like they hold it when masturbating and it breaks down the penis muscles also. It also not healthy if they prone masturbate. Then on top of all that, it reprograms their brain as to what feels good sexual. For them, it is not about feeling, their brain signals are trained so it is about touch and visual.

When using they are horrible Narcs, emotional, intimately abusive and the list goes on. 24 years here....4 since discovery D-day. Rejected that day, to then find him whacking it off to his phone. For the short period he was clean he was a nice man, so hope for something better and more from sexually experiences was short too.

I am still torn
by: Anonymous

I'm the one who wrote "I am so torn". I have been thinking about everything I've read and the advice you've given. I have an education and a good job so I can support myself if I leave.

I have started building a wall around my heart... but I can't eat, I can't sleep for fear that he's going to do it again. I can't keep living like this. There's no trust. There was very little before but now there is none. He told me that it is his body and it's my responsibility to make myself feel beautiful... So do I even have the right to feel this way? I just can't help but wonder what if I am being selfish? I feel so guilty for the way I feel.

Run as fast as you can
by: Anonymous

Just prior to our 50th wedding anniversary, and 2 years after getting the internet, I found once again my husband was viewing porn. Prior to this I believed it when he said he had quit. Now I know it is an addiction that can take 3-5 years to break; only with great determination and therapy could he overcome it and he would always be an addict. This is information I never had before. He also escalated to buying a cell phone and not telling me. He keeps it hidden and he doesn’t know I know. He had been keeping in touch with a woman and was seeing her… and as to the extent of his activity with her, I have no idea. Considering he is 71 there is not enough time left to even consider changing… So if you as a woman and in a new relationship, check whatever you have to determine if he is viewing porn. Don’t take his word for it, they are great liars. Save yourself IMMENSE pain for years to come and run as fast as you can....you deserve better.

RE: I am So Torn
by: Gail

I agree that you need to leave sooner than later. It does not get better - it gets worse. I regret not leaving sooner. Selfish addicts need to work on themselves but they don't. They just keep feeding the lust because it is simple to do. They cannot be bothered to do the crucial work of examining their own issues. These people are hurting individuals but the cost is too high. It destroys who you are and sabotages all that is pure and beautiful. They blame their significant other and turn into angry narcissists.

I feel your pain but honestly internet pornography is the downfall of society and human relationships. It is vile and perverted. A loving relationship between two people cannot exist with this crap. It robs a woman of attention that should be focused on her. You know something is not right but you cannot always identify it right away. You cannot live with an immature liar for the rest of your life. Please focus on you and better yourself. Get educated and a good job...that is vital.

To: I am So Torn
by: Anonymous

Please, just walk. I am not trying to minimize the difficulty of giving up on the hopes and dreams you probably had for this relationship. I know it's hard, but trust me, it doesn't get better and it does get worse. Don't be like me and look back 30 years later and realize how stupid you were to stay. Love yourself enough to go NOW!

Partners porn addiction
by: Anonymous

If you’re not married you need to run for the hills. It only gets worse...

I am so torn
by: Anonymous

A week ago, I caught my boyfriend in the bathroom getting off to porn...and he lied to me about it. I asked him again and he told me the truth because I smelled the lotion. He didn't even come to me for sex. I was gutted. We got into a huge fight because I feel so ugly and unwanted. I asked him to respect me enough to stop watching porn and looking at other women. (He stares at them while we are out in public...) He told me that I am selfish for asking him to stop and that I make him feel like less of a man because he can't just go watch porn and jack off. I feel so betrayed and I am consumed with the flashbacks of catching him. I feel like he doesn't care about how much it hurt me and my expressing that to him didn't help.

Lottery
by: Anonymous

I always thought I was the only one hoping to win the lottery so I can get rid of him. I guess there are many of us...

To: Partners porn addiction
by: Anonymous

He not going to stop. They find other ways to look at it. Get a laptop that you don’t know about. They delete their history. They buy magazines or porn videos. It's never stops. If you can get out, do it now before you waste more years with him. I can’t financially leave. I wish 15 years ago I knew what I know now. I was like you and busy working etc. and didn’t pay too much attention. He always say I was more sexual than him. It's been 12 years since we had sex. He blamed me for always confronting him about sex so that’s why he never wanted to. He a liar, he was looking at porn. If I EVER see a way out I'm gone also. I pray I win the lottery also.

Partner’s porn addiction has ruined me.
by: Anonymous

I found this site and I keep finding myself reading these posts. I think I’m trying to find answers but there are no answers. I’ve been with my partner for 13 years. We’re not married but live together and have 2 wonderful children. From the beginning of our relationship (if I’m honest) he never really seemed too interested in sex. It always seemed to be me initiating it. I never really thought much of it, but when we moved in together I found porn on his laptop and realized he did have urges, but he’d rather get off looking at porn than with me. It caused a lot of upset and arguing, and of course he promised to stop. Our relationship improved and I got pregnant that year, but I remember again finding porn while I was pregnant and he barely came near me intimately. When my son was born I was smitten. My baby took over my life and took my mind off what my partner was probably doing behind my back. He was a good dad. We moved into a house and I’d find him getting up early to sneak downstairs to watch porn. I couldn’t escape it.

I’d tried to put it out of my mind and focus on being a mom, but it was always at the back of my mind. Every time I left him in the house alone, I felt like I was having a panic attack and would obsess over what he was doing. He’s lied so many times about looking at porn. So many times he’s promised to stop. It kind of changed my personality, I’d snap over small things all the time.

We wanted another child, and it took a long time to get pregnant again but I did and had my second son. Things had got worse by then and he slept in the spare room pretty much all the time. He never came near me and I knew what he was doing behind my back. It just eats away at me inside and makes me bitter. I hate to feel like I’m not wanted. I’d consider myself attractive, I keep very fit and healthy and look after myself but still, he’d rather look at women online than see me.

My baby was diagnosed with autism at age 2 and again my focus became very much on doing whatever I could to help my young son while also being a good mom to my other son. My husband’s porn addiction was pushed to the back of my mind. Anyway, here I am. My elder son is 11 and my youngest 7. I hadn’t had sex with my partner for 5 years up until the COVID-19 lock down. We just existed in the same house. Arguing all the time because deep down, I was so bitter and frustrated. I can’t explain what happened that night. I think I’d just had enough. I just wanted to feel wanted and I let him sleep in my bed and I initiated sex. After, we both agreed that we needed to work on us and he said he really wanted to make things work and that he loved me. I never mentioned porn.

It was 3 days in to him sharing my bed again when I came in to my bathroom unexpectedly and found him getting off over porn. I was devastated. Silly really! What did I expect! Anyway, I wished I’d never let him back in to my bed and he promised and swore that he would never do it again. He’d slipped up. Again, I fell for it. It was the following week that I checked his phone history and found that he had looked at porn while I was out for a run. I confronted him and he denied it right up until I showed him the evidence. I went to my mother’s that night and cried in her arms. It had felt so good that past week. Having him back in my bed, chatting, laughing and being intimate. I was happy!

I felt like I’d lost everything, I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. He promised to do therapy. So he did. He started zoom therapy because of lock down. I was so proud of him, he told me how it made him feel and that he really wished he’d done therapy years ago. He started initiating sex every day and I thought that he was really capable of beating this. He gave me his phone. Things were going well, or so I thought. He’d told me he hadn’t even had any urges and that he thought he was really getting there! Though on Tuesday I felt in my gut something wasn’t right. He hadn’t really wanted sex those few days before hand and was acting a bit weird. I checked his work phone and there was no porn but there were lots of links from newspaper websites like The Sun, showing women in bikinis or topless. I saw that he’d clicked on these links and when I confronted him he owned up to looking and trying to get off. He says that he didn’t class that as porn! Tried to make me believe that he didn’t see a problem with that!

I just can’t take the lies anymore. I feel like I’m having a breakdown. I love him, but I love the man that he is when he isn’t watching porn. If it’s not a Porn website, he’ll find a way to find some images somehow. He said he’s sorry and it was 1 slip up. I know therapy isn’t an overnight fix, and I know he didn’t look at a porn website but isn’t it the same thing? Part of me wants to run for the hills. A little voice is telling me he is a compulsive liar. Then part of me is saying, he is in therapy. It’s going to be a process, stick by him and just see how good things can be. I think deep down I know he will never recover fully. He will always have the urge to look.

I’m scared to be alone with my children. My son with autism is beautiful but very challenging. I’m not sure how he will cope if my partner leaves. I feel trapped, scared and alone. Most of all I just want him to be porn free, so we can be a happy family. I think I know deep down that is not realistic. I’m so sorry for going on. I just really needed to get this off my chest. I don’t know what to do anymore.

To: I'm in the same boat
by: Anonymous

Me too. I’ve wasted too many years with a person I don’t even know anymore. Too much to lose if I leave now. Retired with no income. Depressed. Lonely. Hopeless. And no one mentions the financial cost of internet porn. I can’t even imagine all the money he has wasted. But he just doesn’t get it. The lies never end. If I win the lottery someday I am so gone.

To Anonimous
by: Robin

So Sorry,

20 years of marriage and 4 years of relapses and lies, ED PIED the list goes on.

One thing that I regret is not getting more out of my sexual experiences.

I do not believe he’s clean and sober, his brain will ever rewire to just using me as a masturbation substitute. NO baths together, no foreplay....same position.

If I knew then what I know now, I would of gotten out a lot sooner.

Take care of yourself. Educate yourself (it is a real thing how it changes their brain) go get tested for STDs, you never know what they are lying about or how bad it has escalated.

I'm in the same boat
by: Porn

Hey Andrew, you never said how you quit. I’m in a bad position where I can’t leave but my husband says he doesn’t watch it but I know he does. I gave up looking into what he does cause he’s a liar. I just do me and try to make myself happy every day and try to get along with him. This addiction is like a drug addiction. If anyone can leave, do it! It's a lifelong huge problem.

To anonymous
by: Gail

Sorry for your pain. What you are going through is very common, but that doesn't help you feel better. I wish I could tell you that things will improve but sadly these guys rarely change. The lying continues and they get better at hiding what they are doing.

They view porn incognito so you cannot see their history. Once they have been caught a few times they get better at hiding it. The rush they receive from the repeated dopamine hits takes over everything else. I watched as my husband would look directly in my eyes and lie repeatedly. Then he started becoming very angry and sarcastic. I watched his personality slowly change into someone I no longer recognized. People are ignorant about how much damaged this does to the brain. This is no laughing matter.

I realize you love him. I know exactly how you feel. Sadly I had to leave and I wished I had found a man earlier in my life that was not addicted to this garbage. Please look after yourself. At the very least I would strongly advise you to separate from him for a minimum of a year. He needs to get counseling and he needs to prove he has changed. Protection on his devices, accountability partner and weekly meetings. Do not be fooled by tears and promises. They literally need to get help they cannot do this alone.

RE: I don't know what to do....
by: Andrew

Hi Anonymous,

I am male and was addicted to pornography for almost 20 years. I have damaged my family irreparably I fear through all the relapses and lies. Speaking from my own experience, it is likely your boyfriend is addicted to pornography.

It is the leading cause of male anxiety and depression, however it is what I term the 'silent addiction'. Most men don't talk about this down the pub or in their social circles, but a quick look at the web traffic statistics reveals it is a global epidemic.

So is there hope? Well, yes, but first your boyfriend needs to admit there is a problem and seek help for it. If he can't do this and genuinely commit, it compromises the relationship.

I'm glad to say I'm almost 3 years porn free, so it can happen. My biggest regret is that I didn't take action years ago, open up and admit I had a very big problem, seek help and more importantly understand the damage I was doing to the people I love the most - my family.

I wish you the very best of luck.
Cheers, Andrew

I don't know what to do...
by: Anonymous

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now and since the beginning I've let him know that I did not agree with porn watching as I felt it was deceiving. One day I had used his phone to search for something and porn had popped up. I felt so disgusted and hurt. We talked it out and he said he would never watch porn again. 3 days after that I checked his phone history and he was still watching porn! He always denies it until I show him what I find. And once again he cried and says he loves me and can’t bear to lose me. A week or so later I find porn once again.

At this point I feel so betrayed and feel like my love for him is so on and off and the thought of it just makes me feel sick to my stomach. Since then I have not found porn but he could be deleting his history as he now knows I go through and check his history. I love my boyfriend but I just feel the trust isn’t there. I feel like one day I love him so much, but the next I just want to end it all. My heart is so heavy. My boyfriend is a good man and he does things for me all the time when I ask. But I just feel he is such a good liar that who knows what else there is he could be hiding. I told him if he is able to lie to me straight in the eyes and kiss me and say he doesn’t even watch porn and that he loves me, but gets caught only days later, that isn’t love.

I've never lied to boyfriend and if I ever did, I would feel so guilty. But how is it that he can just lie to me with no remorse. Does my boyfriend love me as much as he says? I'm so glad there are so many women who feel the same about porn as me. I blamed myself thinking I wasn’t enough or I am not attractive to him anymore. I spend many night crying wondering what I did or what changed and why was he with me.

Husband in recovery
by: Anonymous

It was 5 yrs. ago when I happened to come home unexpectedly and walked into my husband’s office when I found him drenched in sweat and jacking off in front of his computer. I looked at him and said hmm looks like you might have a problem and it's time that you talk about it.

He did and went to group sessions. I was hurt by all the lies and covering up for years, that I was torn between leaving and staying. So, here it is and I still think that he is lying. I don't trust him and he has replaced the addiction with another-tablet all day. So, I don't know.

Psubs
by: Robin

That is a Psub used to get the dopamine high, that they get from porn.

If anyone would like other support, internet wise there is a website called NOFAP is has a special section of SOs of PAs.


It never ended here
by: Robin

I am so sorry

The last for me was on Facebook and feeling forced to have sex, I said no- left the house and could hear him take his pants off then I saw what he had you know what too.

I let it drive me crazy!



Leave sooner than later
by: Gail

As I read the last few posts, I am reminded of how important it is to tell you ladies to LEAVE SOONER rather than later. These men will continue to lie to cover up their addiction. They are literally rewiring their brains and their personalities change as a result of this. They become angrier, sarcastic, mocking individuals who will do anything to hide their private stash of filth. If you do not want to be permanently scarred from this...GET OUT NOW.

They throw you breadcrumbs and tell you they have changed or that they only looked once...DO NOT believe this...you deserve better. You deserve someone that will focus on you and build a relationship with you. Not a child that locks himself in a bathroom for hours instead of living a life and accomplishing something.

These men need help, but most importantly they have to want to change. Sadly very few actually do the work to change...they just continue to lie...

To ZS90
by: Anonymous

I know it must be hard without family nearby and with knowing nobody in the area. However, you need to dig deep and find the strength to just get the heck out of there. Clearly, from what you wrote, you already know this. It's okay to be alone. And alone is much better than being with someone and still being alone. The second kind of alone is so much worse. If you don't have a job, get one. Then care enough about yourself to get away from this maniacal narcissistic addict. GO NOW BEFORE YOU WASTE A WHOLE LOT OF YEARS LIKE I DID. Trust me - you will have a life of regrets if you don't do this.

I feel like a fool
by: Anonymous

After 14 years of lying to me about his porn addiction, I threatened to leave him. That was a year and a half ago. I thought he quit, then I saw him looking at pics on FB of some young women with huge breasts in very skimpy bathing suits. He says it’s not porn, but those pics were very sexual and the page also had video to click on. Get this, he claims it was BY ACCIDENT! SMH! He must really think I'm stupid. Anyway, I'm tired and just want him to get out, but this pandemic sucks! We are right back where we were and I can't trust him ever again. I'm literally sick to my stomach.

Just had to tell someone how I am feeling before I go insane!

What to do?
by: ZS90

I’ve been with my husband for 13 years; we’ve known each other for 14 and got married 5 years ago. I just recently discovered his porn addiction (an addiction he denies, just like his drinking problem which he also denies). I’m pretty sure this addiction has been going on for ages. I remember we took a break because there’s was no intimacy whatsoever between us and we were like 25 years old at that time. I decided to give him another chance and things got better or so I thought. We got married and since the beginning our sex life started to deteriorate. I couldn’t sleep questioning myself about what was going on. I’m young, attractive, take care of my body, my house is always clean (I’m not a great cook but I promise you guys I do what I can, lol). So as time went by, I thought he was having an affair, or maybe he was gay, because I just couldn’t believe how weeks and weeks, even a month could passed by with no sex, cuddling, nothing. He’s very living in the way he speaks to me, but physically there’s nothing...


He’s super secretive with his phone so I was sure he was having an affair. I look through it and there’s nothing, but something that caught my eye was he was on "private mode". I didn’t say anything. I waited and started noticing he got up way earlier than I did and he was always in the bathroom. I started noticing white dots on the floor of my bathroom and dirty towels so that’s when it hit me, he was watching porn.


It hurt so bad because there I was crying myself to sleep asking myself what was I doing wrong, asking him and he just tells me he’s not in the mood, that he didn’t have my same sex drive, making me feel like a sex addict (when by this time 6 months had passed with no sex). I started to feel resentment towards him and I’m not sure if he started noticing how much time had passed that he wanted to have sex, but to me that’s was like an act of pity so I started to reject him. It was not only sex I wanted, I wanted to feel the love he says daily he has for me but I couldn’t.


Then there was that time when I acted like I was sleeping and waited for him to go in the bathroom. I caught him, and of course he denied at first. Then he finally admitted what he was doing, and told me it wasn’t a big deal. He did it because he felt horny but didn’t wanted me to wake up to have sex. My name should be Booboo the fool because I believed him. At this point I didn’t know he had an addiction. I know it was pretty obvious, but I thought all men watched porn and I was over-reacting.


Fast forward to this year, again the lack of intimacy in all levels. We moved, and I don’t have anyone close and with this pandemic we are pretty much in the house all the time. I thought about it and decided to talk to him again about our marital problems and he told me he maybe was lacking of testosterone, that maybe he was asexual, so I just stared at him and told him if he knew all this why he hadn’t look for a specialist? If he feels bad he runs to the doctor… so why this wasn’t a big deal if it was something that was basically destroying our marriage? I added that I didn’t think he had any of that, and if he knew there was something else going on with him, he better come clean and not waste the doctor’s nor my time. He then told me it was the fact that our two dogs sleep in the bed, that he can’t get close to me, and bla, bla, bla…

He promised he was going to "try" (yeah he was going to try to have sex with his wife). Not to brag, but a couple of months I turn down a very famous musician who was asking me out, so yeah I considered myself an attractive person, but my husband can’t touch me. Days passed and nothing happened, so I confronted him and he told me I was crazy, that I had a sex problem. Then he had the audacity to tell me he lost interest in me because I don’t go out (and yeah I don’t go a lot with him because I can’t fake to his friends and family that we have this incredible relationship when we don’t). There was something not adding up, so I asked him blatantly if he was watching porn. He denied it but the way he said it, I knew he was lying. So I asked him again, and this time he admitted it but told me he didn’t think it was an addiction, that all men do it and that I was overreacting. I told him that yeah maybe watching porn now and then might be normal, but it’s not normal when you prefer that to having the real deal with your wife. He told me again about the lack of interest and I told him that was BS, he didn’t know those women he jerks off to ...he didn’t need to go out with any of them or have interest in them to do it ...


He wanted to put the blame on me and I just had it, I told him if he didn’t stop I will get a divorce … Well he tried to change for a week, lol. We had sex 2 days in a row, not to be mean but it was very mediocre, obviously because he masturbates so much he doesn’t last more than a minute but I didn’t care. I told him I understood and that we’re going to go thru this together, I really had hope, I even bought some stuff to spice it up and today everything went down the drain. Again, he started to reject me and just found out he started watching porn again. I’m so stupid, I believed in him. I just want to go away from this environment. I want to go back home, unfortunately my parents live out of the country and like I said we just moved so I don’t know anyone yet ..Don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m trapped.

Sad
by: Anonymous

I met my husband when I was 40 and soon after he just quit having sex with me all together. I had no idea he was addicted to porn! It took years for me to figure it out because he was in the military and was gone a lot on trips, so that made it worse! He would say he just wasn’t as sexual as me. We are still married and there is reasons for this. I won’t go into long details, but believe me if there was a way out I would be long gone! We haven’t had sex in 10 years and I am 55 now. I am pretty decent looking and I know I could find someone else. I’m just not willing to give him everything I worked so hard for! We are like roommates, there is no love in my house. I don’t think there ever was. I just can’t wait till the day this is all over with. Porn is a horrible thing. It slowly robs you from your life, not like a drug addict (you can see that right away). Porn is different. You don’t see that.

Robin
by: Gail

No worries Robin...if anything good has come from all this mess, it is the fact I will no longer allow intimidation and control in my life.

Ladies take refuge in knowing you are not alone...it is rampant and I am slowly realizing my strength and new found confidence the longer I am away from the nightmare.

Hugs to you all… xoxo

I did not mean to trigger anyone
by: Robin

I do sincerely apologize, as I should have put a trigger warning.

Gail, I did not mean to make you look back and feel sad. Sending a huge hug.

For Anonymous - Selfish sex is horrible and yes demoralizing. I was made to feel nuts for wanting to find my gspot, kissing, foreplay or anything so I felt more, not worse after. Now I am just numb to even thinking of a sexual connection much less putting on lingerie or pretty jammies.

I had no idea that this was a thing. Years ago, I would have never thought he was preferring to masturbate. A few magazines, but it just never occurred to me. Then I knew the first time he expressed wanting to see me with another man, something was off. It took 5 years to get pregnant with my second child because of low sperm count and barely sex. Then wanting me to be a stripper, so other men would ogle me. After that, I was never the same. My wedding night was terrible with him begging me to say F me- I knew then he had been with the stripper at his bachelor party.

The part that hurt the worst was never doing anything with his family. Choosing to be home and do his own thing with porn. Honestly it all hurt the worse, I was just a trophy, he wanted nothing to do with is family or us. It all kind of came out 6 years ago, then I knew something was up. My daughter kept saying he used all the data, then my son let the dog chew up his phone. He had seen his dad and knew it was not right. When his work got him an iPhone it all escalated.

I wish for all of us to find our Goddess again. To feel beautiful in our own skin. I should stop rambling on.

Wow, did I write that?
by: Anonymous

Wow, Robin, I have to say - I feel like you were writing my words from my life.

You are spot on and it seems like we are in the same place.

That selfish all-about-me sex is flat out demoralizing. What woman in their right mind would want that?

I wish that I could say I have no regrets in life, but this narc changed all that for me.

Robin
by: Gail

I’m so sorry to read this Robin. I was triggered reading your painful story... as it brought back so many bad memories

Not having a real connection with your significant other due to the fact that they are in another world is heart wrenching.

Now that I have separated he runs around trying to intimidate my friends and is still lying to his pastor. The lies never stop. He has changed so much from the man I dated. When internet porn arrived it was like opening Pandora’s Box. The lust and craving for more was relentless. A wife feels like absolute dirt. It is no way to live. Men will never fully realize the full impact and pain they heap upon their wives.

We are human beings...flesh and blood...deserving of love and respect. xo

I was too
by: Anonymous

I also was thinking the same thing. That he posted that because he knew his wife would see it. The thing is, these men think they’re so smart but they’re so dumb! I don’t try to find out what my husband does anymore. I don’t care. But he so dumb it's pretty easy to figure it out.

I am sorry, does not cut here either.
by: Robin

Here "I am sorry" was an excuse to do it again. As long as he was sorry, it was ok. Like being or dealing with ED or PIED or DE was fun, then it got dreadful. Hey I am sorry I played with my wanker so much that I cannot do anything with you because you’re not porn or the porn I like to watch. Or hey, let me put you in this really uncomfortable position so maybe just maybe something will rise up. Instead of looking in your eyes, I want to have my eyes closed so I can fantasize in my head. I am a very selfish person, I am so sorry. I am so sorry I am a dirty bird, seem like a pervert, and do not sleep too sound because I may be doing things in the night to you or beside you, or taking pictures of you.

Mine was also a Narc and it is a battle to finish splitting up. And just now when I did not want to speak to him, he was going to knock the pies out of my hands that I had just gotten, homemade. Or the anger if I say no to sex because it’s mechanical if it works at all. The list goes on and I am not saying I am perfect, but this has drove me to a point of no return. It is too true, that which you finally SEE you cannot be unseen. I am so glad my trauma goes away so much quicker now. Today I felt free once again, not believing his lies and the craziness or his criticizing me, saying all I do is bitch. Hell, I do not even complain.

"So Sorry" is nothing here to me and without really working at seeing what a relationship should be like, it is all abuse. Emotional abuse, Sexual abuse and most of the time it leads to Physical Abuse and Intimacy Anorexia which is also abuse. I do not miss feeling like I am trapped or catching me where I can be pinned in and forcing affection on me. Most of all I do not miss the rejection that comes from a self-serving man, who will reject the woman in front of him for an onscreen woman to enjoying himself with. Or one that gets sex then has the chaser effect.

I am not Sorry that I have seen the light of day, know when I am being manipulated, projected upon or gaslighted. I am not sorry that I have seen the truth, despite words.

Re Recovery
by: Gail

Yes sadly I was thinking the exact same thing...you may be sincere or you may be baiting your wife who follows this column..

I know after experiencing decades of lying, gaslighting and deflection that a narcissist would do exactly this..

Either way, seek help..


Re: recovery
by: Anonymous

I agree about the recovery. I too wonder about that. Andrew, your post was thoughtful and you sound sorry. However, since you mentioned your wife comes on this forum I have to wonder about your real motives for posting here. It seems like something my narcissistic husband would do to try to convince me. Sorry to be harsh but I've lived with this too long and once the reality really sets in, you can't "unsee" it. Hopefully you are sincere and not a narcissist. If so, get real help and maybe you'll have real hope.

Recovery
by: Catherine

Excellent point, Robin.

Recovery is so important for everyone. It would be good to hear a response or comment on the topic of recovery.

For me, being on the receiving end (like so many on this forum), I think being given more of an insight into the layers of their recovery and healing would advantage those trying hard to apologize for their behavior.

Just hearing sorry doesn't cut it, especially when some are repeat offenders.

Recovery
by: Robin

I tend to wonder if the men that post on here are in any real recovery?


They are sorry but no one talks about recovery, rewiring the brain, nadda.

Glimmer of Hope
by: Andrew

I viewed pornography over a period of 17 years while together with my wife, both before and after we were married. I also fantasized about being with other women, including her sister of all people - this is a very big betrayal and hurt her incredibly.

She put up with a lot, including the lies and gas lighting to protect myself. This addiction ruined our marriage, we're live under the same roof but all trust is gone - the bedrock of a loving relationship.

She has educated so much as to what pornography really is, how it suppresses women and is the main go-to sex education for impressionable boys. I am ashamed of my past, ashamed for all the pain I've caused, the lies, the arguments and fights - time we will never get back. I am ashamed that I couldn't figure it out on my own, to be a decent man and love and cherish my wife as she deserved to be.

She regularly reads this forum and contributes sometimes, finding like-minded women who have been hurt so badly, and continue to be hurt by men who are selfish, little more than boys that never grew into mature men. I want to apologize at least semi-publicly (understanding this is an anonymous forum) for all the pain and hurt that I've caused over so many years. I want to apologize for not giving her the life she deserved over that time, apologize for not supporting her, for the betrayals, the lies and for the lost time she will not get back. For all these things I am truly sorry.

It saddens me very much that so many men see nothing wrong with pornography. How many use it regularly, and the type of content they watch. I'm at least able to say that I have not viewed any type of pornography for more than 2 years and believe I never will again. I am a supporter of TraffickingHub, and hope PornHub will be shut down and our younger generation be protected from this societal scourge.

If there is any positive out of my experiences, I will work hard to educate my son as to the dangers of pornography, how it shapes attitudes towards women so he can make the right decisions when he encounters it (as he surely will at some point). I will educate my daughter so she does not feel pressure to conform to society's 'normal', looking for attention in other boys / men and demands respect from day 1 as all women have a right to do.

It may be too late for my relationship with my wife, I truly hope not, but I have taken too long to learn lessons and have been given many, many chances.

I hope everyone on this forum finds peace and closure and are able to move on with their lives. It starts with men taking responsibility, saying enough is enough, admitting mistakes of the past and not tolerating gender suppression in all its modern day forms, educating our youth to make the right choices - this may only be a fantasy, but I can now honestly say it is the only fantasy I have.

Thank you, Andrew

Jeremy
by: Gail

Unfortunately this is probably not the best forum for help or advice for your situation. There is a lot of pain, anger and frustration here for good reason. Marriages have been ripped apart due to this problem.

The lying and lack of trust are ultimately what destroy relationships. For me anyways…

If you really want to turn your life around and do everything you can to conquer this, there are great resources and testimonials on line...

Also, follow "Fight the New Drug"...

To Jeremy
by: Anonymous

You sound like my husband. He was Mr. over-the-top nice guy when he got caught. That wore off in about a week. I see that he is not doing what he had been, but that he too looked up a name, just like you. I'm way beyond patting him on the back with a "that's okay, you really didn't do anything", because, just as Robin said - you had that person on your mind or you wouldn't have even looked it up. Just because you were able to stop yourself means very little at the point where I suspect she's at (where I am). Sorry to be so blunt, but you probably won't get sympathy here where so many of us have lived with the lies and deceit, changed personalities, and loneliness that comes with this. Just do her a favor and let her move on.

Maybe she's sick of it
by: Anonymous

Maybe she does believe that you closed the porn out and didn’t watch it, but maybe she so sick and tired of going through the trust issues with you she just doesn’t want to do it anymore. Who knows? Maybe next time you will watch the whole thing. Why did you even do that in the first place? This is the problem… you guys can’t be trusted and we are sick of it! We don’t want to spend another minute of our time dealing with it. She doesn’t know if this really will be the last time. She has heard this over and over and over.

Just looked up porn stars- wrong place for JUST
by: Robin

Well if that is all you did, that was enough. I know I was so sick of it, that just looking at psubs did it for me or looking up information about the porn star, so videos or if I heard I am not doing anything anymore.

If you looked them up you wanted to see them and fantasize or why else look them up.

My husband is also out and a liar and when you lie so much we stop believing the truth too.

I am sure there is more to this than just looking up porn stars for your wife to totally be done. It is not just the looking, many behaviors change and if you read through the thread, so does our sex lives. Rarely do we even get to have sex with our porn-addicted husbands.

A man who messed up
by: Jeremy

I’d had a problem with porn for few years, but I hadn’t watched it for almost a year. Last month I googled a porn stars name; that’s all I did, no videos or anything like that. Then last week I started to watch 1 and closed it out, but didn’t watch it. When I came home from work, my wife tells me she’s done with me and kicks me out. I lied to her in the past about this, but this time I was honest with her after she found out. I told her I had a moment of weakness but I didn’t watch it. All I want to do is spend the rest of my life showing her honesty, trust, and love. I miss my wife deeply and I want to be at home. I just need some advice. She won’t speak to me because I’ve hurt her with this.

Leave
by: Anonymous

Please listen to the people in the group and get out! You will save yourself a lifetime of unhappiness! These men don’t change and you can’t fix them. They just get sneakier with their addiction and hide it better. You think you’re upset right now by leaving. Try being upset the rest of your life!! You’re better off leaving now and trying to find someone else! Love doesn’t hurt.

This is Not Your Problem
by: Anonymous

Sweet heart run...don't walk. Get out you Can Not fix him. He is not your partner. You deserve so much more. Please do not give him any more of your precious time. His self-centered sick wants come first. If you have to do it in hiding, sneaking and betrayal it is not healthy. His sickness will take you down with him. Don't let his Big Problem become yours.

Stay strong and reach out to the group. Hugs

I caught him on porn sites
by: Anonymous

I’ve been with my bf since I was 18 and I'm now 27. I caught him before on sites and I forgave him. But now I caught him again and I found like 30 blocked numbers in his phone. I unblocked some of them before he caught me, but I called them and they were all escorts :( IDK what to think. I’ve just been really heartbroken about it and had no one to really tell about it. But it really sucks to put all your time into someone and now I don’t really know how to feel. I don’t know what's going on. I'm still with him but at the same time I'm hurt. Just the other day I looked to see who he has been calling and it's some weird numbers and he calls them like twice; they call back and he calls them while he’s at work and when he gets out. I just have been having a real bad gut feeling and idk what to do. Can someone recommended how to find out who he is texting and calling?

Agree with Gail
by: Robin

Good God, get the hell away from him if you can. Get some support and help.

He is not right in the head and using you for what I have no idea. YOU deserve a healthy relationship with a healthy sexual relationship.

Lonely
by: Gail

Get out of that situation ASAP...seriously he is very messed up. It is critical that you find support around you..


Lonely
by: Anonymous

My boyfriend of a little over a year first asked me in beginning if I swung. I thought weirdo and no. Well we continued dating and 3 months in I searched his phone to see him respond to what I thought was a woman saying certain sexual things, which confused me. I thought I read it wrong, only to find out months down the road it was a transgender. I wanted to vomit. He has told me this was all in his past and because I really care and love him I accepted his excuse. He has no desire for sex with me, even more so as time went on. He gets angry, calls me names and I know he’s watching porn, he denies but I know he is. I’m grossed out. To me he’s got all he needs in his hand, his phone and his p***s. I need to walk and soon because he’s making me feel ugly and unwanted.

Brain on porn-
by: Robin

It totally affects the brains chemicals, signals, the list goes on. It is all just so sad.

Women praying to get God or Us out of this. I just do not know how to feel anymore, but I do know I love my boys (and pray they will never turn to porn after what their father has done). For the most part I heartily believe that too.

To all the women trying to get their husbands to notice them, realize they won’t because porn turns them into emotionless, feeling-less, and non-caring idiots.

Agreed Robin
by: Gail

University of Cambridge did a study on porn addiction. The images were shocking. The changes in the porn addict's brain was astounding. This accounts for the many behavioral changes in these individuals. Researchers said 'anger' was the most common personality change reported.....

The brain on porn
by: Robin

Look up "your brain on porn" and "what porn does to the brain". It is absolutely nothing I could have imagined, how all the jacking off and watching porn changes not only their thinking but also the dopamine highs, etc. How they train their sexual response by signals of the brains, which are low to normal stimulation when using. It just floored me, after so much use. I hope you are safe. If you need any book references on your brain on porn let me know. (bondsflowers (at) gmail.com)

lawyer
by: Robin

I am so sorry and waiting it out is risking your life with him. They are monsters on top of the porn. Mine destroyed my bedroom a month ago (again) and has these god-fearing, abusive fits to put me in place or get me to be so scared I’ll change and be how he wants me.


I am so sorry, I wish I had better words for you.

I'm in the same boat
by: Anonymous

Sorry to hear about what the Lawyer said to you, but I'm not surprised. A LOT of us like you are and in the same boat! This is what porn does to us women. It sneaks up on us. We have no idea that our husbands or boyfriends are even looking at this crap until years later.

The problem with porn is it takes years to figure out what the problem is and then you already had years of building a family, house etc. with them. Then, if you get a divorce, you have to split everything with them. I am 55 years old as of Friday. I don’t work. I don’t carry the insurance. He on disability so I can’t get that, but guess what? The house that I paid for we will have two split. My rental that I paid for? Guess what, we will have to split that too. I'm not well to do, since I bought these things!

I had no idea I married a liar, a sneak, and a user. I try to live my life for me and let my husband do him without him doing anything that will hurt me financially. I pray to God every day to take me out of this mess.

Back again
by: Anonymous

First, to anonymous’ post about "porn and death", I am so sorry. I'm sure if he thought he could get away with it mine would kill me too. But maybe not until after my paychecks stop coming in.

I posted earlier that I was finally getting out after 25 years of marriage. Well, when I met with attorney he said I'm going to not only lose all I've worked so hard for (I was ready for that), but also that I would be made to pay him huge amounts. So huge that I wouldn't be able to afford to live myself. Since he is not in good health he basically said wait it out.

This has been the worst news and I feel unsure whether I can go on.

We have a lot of land so I'm considering putting a small cabin or home on the property so I don't have to share the same airspace. Especially after today when he again went off on me. He started to charge me but stopped when I pulled my phone out. I should've let him hit me first, then pulled it out so I could have him arrested. I won't make that mistake again.

He has become much worse since the porn and is probably very capable of killing me in his narcissistic rage.

I had planned to confront him with his porn today but after the rage incident I didn't really see the point. It's not like he has the capacity to actually care. He will just blame that too on me.

I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks and any advice is always appreciated.

Porn and Death
by: Anonymous

My husband tried to kill me. He had a well thought-out three year plan to make me go crazy at the end by lacing my Ambien with something. He got into all things on technology, listening devices, my car navigation was hacked and was lacing me with something that made me crazy. This all happened after I found out about his smoking, drinking, and 30 year porn addiction.

We have been married for 26 years. I am very emotionally unstable rom the PSTD. He slept in the guest room for 15 years and never wanted sex. I actually think he has an appetite for both sexes. Does anyone have any insight to someone who has been watching for so long? We have a 22 year old daughter and I wondered if he was looking at her sexually. It’s made me a nervous wreck as he has brain washed her. He gas lighted me in the worse way and I barely escaped him to get to family. He is so self-absorbed he would rather be the grieving widower than just divorce me. He is a pathological liar and has no remorse. I believe he is a complete psychopath. I just hope I can get my self-esteem back. I am sure he has had several affairs but he is so emotionally detached I can't imagine him having a loving affair, but just one for sex.

71 and caught!
by: Robin

Thank you for sharing, you inspire me! I do not want this in my life for that many more years!

You go Momma!! Great advice too!

Now that we are separating mine is a monster again, violence, speaking and all these years I have felt like I was with a Pervert!

To KathyAnonymous
by: Anonymous

I'm so with you and in the same place. This pandemic has slowed me down for the moment, but I'm out! I will likely lose everything but as long as I get rid of the deceit, lying, and mental abuse I will be happy again one day.

You go girl! Although I'm sorry for you, I am happy that I'm not the only one in this situation.
Bless you!

Porn destroys families
by: KathyAnonymous

I caught my husband who is 71 years old on Halloween night 2019, but his addiction goes back at least 6 years. Three days after I caught him, he tried to kill himself from the shame of being caught.

If porn is ruining your life, use the same technology to ruin theirs. First have the computer searched by an expert: then download one of many monitoring software without his knowledge. I get screen shots and his history sent to my email, plus these programs block porn content.

I have been through counseling and am a Christian and intend to leave very soon and divorce my pervert.

At some point we need to not allow the truck he drove through the house to ever be put in reverse and come back into the house. If we as women accept loveless marriages and the stress this puts on our kids and family, we all fail.

My boundary was crossed, by a mile and I want my mile back. I know I sound harsh but I’m over it. He doesn’t get to bail on this marriage, I do.

You're welcome
by: Robin

You are very welcome and yes that crazy feeling is horrible. It's even worse when we have no one we can talk to!


Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thanks so much Robin and Gail. Your words mean so much at a time when I feel so alone and crazy since most would not understand unless they haven't experienced it.

The final straw
by: Gail

So sorry to hear. This is the same scenario as me. Porn addiction is horrible and it is everywhere...the personality changes are scary. They become arrogant narcissists who just lie, project and criticize. It is cruel and there are a lot of therapists and pastors ignorant of how bad the situation can be. I had to leave after 26 years.

So sorry
by: Robin

I am so very sorry. You did not deserve all those lonely years. YOU can do this, you deserve so much more! It makes them so mean, ugly and just not normal.


Sending you a big hug! SiStar rock it out and get the life you deserve!

The final straw
by: Anonymous

After wasting almost 30 years of my life on a lying, deceitful husband, first because I didn't want my daughter passed between homes, and then because it will be financially and otherwise devastating, I am now done. After recent personality changes (even worse than usual), I learned that my 67 year old narcissistic husband is now deeply into porn. This after being unable to perform for at least 12 years. I have kept myself well and am still attractive to other men so I have not deserved all of these lonely years. Also, since I make more money than him I am afraid for what lies ahead, but feel I must end the cruelty. After all the years of emotional abuse, along with some physical abuse as well, I am trying to find the strength to get out. Any words of advice or encouragement would be welcome.

So sorry
by: Robin

Well its not your fault, that is for sure. I hope you know that. Porn makes them not good lovers in bed and unrealistic. You're so young and deserve so much more.

To Young and addicted
by: Gail

My advice is to get out ASAP. Seriously, if you don’t want a life of hell, focus on yourself. Get an education...this will drag you down and you lose your love for life. The behavior gets worse, not better.

Young & addicted
by: Anonymous

I am about to turn 21 and my boyfriend is 22, and he watches porn. Every single day at some point in time.

It’s a turn off for me. And makes me feel insecure in myself because he was stuck on one on one videos and would lie about them. He watched cams and lied about them, now he saves multiple videos to watch later and says it’s mainly my fault we don’t have sex. But how can I? When I don’t look like these girls he stares at all day. We’ve been together for almost 2 years and his wants have always been way higher than mine. I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

Tired and scared
by: Gail

You have got to get out of that toxic environment. Is there nowhere you can go? Family or friends? You need support to stay strong and heal away from him.

I am sorry
by: Justmeplease

I am sorry

Tired and scared
by: Anonymous

🥺😪😔 I’ve been suffering for years; he’s angry and I can't leave. Now I’m looking at his sex toys while I lay next to him in my g string. We’ve been together for 25 years. We’re not married and he never asked me.

Porn makes me physically sick to my stomach
by: Anonymous

Hello, I am not married. Never have been, but one problem I have come across with every man I have ever been with is porn. And of course, they never seem to understand why or how it hurts us women. Even when I tell my boyfriend, his usual responses are 'oh it's only porn' or the popular ‘they’re not real' (which I love that because they are). The fact they are on a screen instead of in person does not make them any less human.

I'm very sick to my stomach and tired of porn and what it does to men specifically. I'm tired of the lies and deceit they are willing to go just to hide the fact they watch it. And I'm sick and tired of being called names or insecure because I find it extremely hurtful and disrespectful (among other things). I found out months ago my boyfriend is into some very...gross porn. He lied and hid from me for months even though I knew. I would see on his phone some of the things he was searching, but he still lied. I am not counting on it, but I will be so glad if the day ever comes they not be so obsessed over it. Its hurtful and makes a lot of women wonder why they are with them if all they ever want to do is look at sexy women constantly. Seems like they can’t live without it and in my eyes that's pretty disgusting behaviors. I love my boyfriend but I don’t know what to do.

There are options
by: Amy

I'm have felt the pain in the past with my husband and now with my boyfriend. We stay in separate rooms now. I don't feel any better.

But this is for the women who are in a physically abusive relationship with children. I have had to do this myself when I was with my husband (who tried to kill me and then committed suicide). You can get a thousand dollars for leaving an abusive relationship from your local Department of Human Services. They can also assist you with secretly establishing an escape plan with WEAVE. Depending on where you live there are safe houses that can house you and your children.

Once you are in a safe environment you will begin the counseling process of healing. As well as job training and placement. I have learned valuable skills from this. The only thing missing was how to detect porn addiction early in the relationship. GOD doesn't want you to stay in a relationship that is killing you from the inside. That's suicide.

I hope that someone who needs this information is strong enough to take the steps necessary. Remember if you are going to leave, don't talk about it. You will not get the response that you want. Every day that you stay you are saying that it is okay to treat me this way. Nothing will change only get worse.

As for my boyfriend it's his loss. I deserve better and I will get better by loving myself.

No trust
by: Anonymous

My husband refuses couples therapy and blames me for all our sexual issues. Finally went to therapy on his own, but says his therapist doesn't think he's a porn addict. I found sexual phrase on a translate app. He has cryptocurrency which I suspect he uses to pay for cam shows. He claims he's stopped looking at porn for more than a month. He has said that before and lied. He gaslights me and shows very little interest in sex. He never compliments me, and when I ask for that, he claims all I think of is sex. We had a time with no sex for 6 years. He was a strip club and lap dance fan when single. He calls me crazy for not believing that he is all of a sudden porn-free.

Sorry
by: Robin

In my case it did not and he just started using Psubs. You are more than welcome to contact me to talk.

bondsflowers at outlook.com

You really know if you are not having sexual relations with him. Meaning no sex

Does it ever go away?
by: Anonymous

Not sure where to start cause I am numb. I am 51 he is 57, the most amazing man I have ever met. He cooks, cleans, and helps with everything around the house.

I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride. He watches porn and is obsessed with young girls. Been a couple weeks since our argument, and he seems to have changed. I suspect he has a tablet, so nothing shows up on his phone. I asked him about it cause while I had his phone (he willingly left it with me all day everyday), I saw a notification that a new device (tablet) connected to his Gmail account. He says he does not have one, but he has not changed his password to any of his accounts (bank accounts, credit cards) which are all the same as his email account.

Am I fooling myself? He swears he has left it all behind, but I question how someone who was/is obsessed can turn it off like a switch.

Any advice will help. Perhaps just someone to talk to since I am isolated.

I’m in the same boat
by: Anonymous

Last year my husband started acting very distant and started saying I have to run here and there. He changed my name to Stan on his phone. He said he did that so if I called she wouldn’t see my name. He claims they only smoke outside...he never went in her house😂. Then after all that came out, I find a condom in his pocket. He told me a guy from work brought in a bunch and were supposed to feel amazing...well why not share that feeling with me??? I was a bartender from 18-30...ain’t no shame in my game. 10 years and I still don't KNOW HIS FANTASY!!!! I’ve done dress up, role play, mechanical fun, open to watching porn (or making one), and the list goes on. I’m sick of it!

I’m an attractive 40-year-old woman and I know he used to love me different before I was diagnosed with cancer. However, I never went in his phone. The only time I EVER did was over the Stan situation. I do have access to some of his phone actions and of course, he claims they are a lie (dating sites, escort sites, hotels near our home he can smoke in...WTF?) God forbid he proposes and mean it, he just doesn’t seem to give a shit about anything. Ever since he started his job, the gambling and temper have gotten out of control. What sucks is I don’t/can’t work, so I don’t know how I would separate even if I really wanted too. I’m just so beyond broken and sad...yet, I’m supposed to get up every day and act like everything is fine. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this...it wasn’t always like this. It just makes me sick. I could see if I let myself go but again sooooo not the case. I’m constantly told I’m beautiful.

Lying
by: Robin

Empathy and forgiveness?

Yuck!


Life and addiction
by: Anonymous

Porn is an addiction like any narcotic drug. The problem is it is hard to see in a person and EVERY man has dealt with it. In this world it is too easily available and men use it because they feel rejected many times. It doesn't make it right, but it is a sickness. I personally have struggled with it and the only respite I have had is because of the Grace of Jesus Christ. In other words Jesus dying for me has given me the commitment to leave it and not want it for the most part. Another way to put it is that I don't want it to ruin my relationship w my spouse or Him.

Yet because of that grace, I can move on and continue to love and not hurt myself or others even (if the intention was not to hurt but pleasure and stress relief). Love your spouse with crazy love whether they return that love or not because that is what true love is. If you are being abused physically or maybe mentally, then get out. You can be the person who does the right thing male or female. I know it seems hopeless but there is hope. It will never be perfect in this life but you can change yourself if you want and Jesus grace and mercy is the way to do it. Make yourself the best you can be and they will notice. Don’t push your spouse away because you are angry (although it’s hard not to do). Have forgiveness and empathy because it is the right thing to do. Explain to him why the porn industry is so evil and how it exploits those men and women and to feel he needs that makes you feel devalued even though it is probably not his intention. There is hope because I personally have battled it and though I will always be an addict and maybe even fail occasionally yet I know that my Spouse is worth it and the mercy grace and love of Christ will keep me walking upright.

Another Dday
by: Robin

My story, as many of you know, is similar to yours. Yet here I sit an idiot, of another Dday as I was cleaning up for Xmas. My daughters flannel full of c**. I am beyond hurt and my heart is broke. I will survive him. I will not get to the darkest place that I had gotten before. To think 3 years ago all I wanted was more from my sexual experiences and all he wanted was to jack off. I do not believe any lies he tells me anymore, I married a liar and that hurts the worst.

67 year old spouse
by: Gail

Sorry for your heartache...I have left a 27 year old marriage due to a porn addiction, lies and the horrible personality changes; especially anger.

Men DO have needs and cannot be expected to never have sex or sexual release...that is definitely going to open the avenues for straying.

HOWEVER, internet pornography has created a host of problems. Young girls galore anytime they want...variety and images more than willing to perform any disgusting sexual act.

Men and some women have literally done damage to their brains as more and more studies are sounding the alarm. This 'addiction' is destroying marriages and relationships at an alarming rate. Human connection is to be nurtured and developed. Internet pornography teaches immediate and selfish gratification.

Heartbreaking and frustrating...focus on yourselves ladies and live for you.

Lies and porn addiction
by: Anonymous

Okay, here I go. My spouse is 67 years old. We haven't had sex in years because of my medical conditions. It was approximately two months ago when I noticed a change in him. He was using the computer late at night, when I would be asleep. I got on my computer history and it blew my mind that he could be doing this, it was all over the place. It made me cry and so angry. I didn't even want to look at him and when I asked he denied it and got so angry. When he did finally admit it, I was so very hurt and he said he wouldn't do it anymore. But guess what? He is still looking at porn sites, because I check every day. I know if I confront him, he would deny it again. We have been married for 44 years and I love him dearly, but I can't put up with it anymore. He told me he had been doing this for five or six months and he says a man has needs. I have low self-esteem and I feel as if wants these young women with huge breasts and whatever else they have that I don't have. I am at my wits end and I don't want to leave, mainly because the house we bought, we bought with my father’s inheritance. I have asked him to leave and he won't.

Just so you know
by: Anonymous

I’ve too been in the same scenario!! I felt that it was my fault and I didn’t show/give him enough love!! But ladies, there comes a time when we have to "man up" and finally look in the mirror and say I am worthy and deserve MORE than this disrespect, deserve more love, respect, and appreciation instead of being degraded or belittled!! Stand up for yourself!! MOST Men That HAVE these characteristics seriously HAVE childhood "issues" and Are BROKEN! NOT YOU!!

Lying
by: Robin

The worst is all the lying; it made me feel crazy and he still lies. Over little dumb stuff. Over and over. I had no idea I had married a big ole liar.


After the last dday, I was so done.

Passesive Agressive behavior
by: Robin

Yes, Passive-aggressive behavior here too and all the manipulation around sex.


Gail thank you! We still want Romance and a true loving connection.

Agree with Robin
by: Gail

Totally right Robin...this is not how it is supposed to be...the internet has re-wired men's and women's brains who are addicted to this crap...

Emotional maturity has gone out the door. People have no idea how to communicate with their significant other anymore. Sad state of affairs...

Using Porn- different perspective
by: Robin

Most of us deny sex is because we do not want porn sex, or don’t want to deal with ED or PIED. Are you offering her lovemaking, foreplay, taking baths together? Washing her hair or any other type of intimacy? Are your eyes open during sex with kissing? Many of us deal with sex that is not normal loving sex or no sex at all. There are 2 sides to turning down your partner. My husband threatened to go back to porn, I told him to go ahead. I am so over all of it.

Another point of view!
by: Anonymous

I am a man and I use porn. I stopped looking at porn for about the first year me and my wife dated. After that, I only looked at it when my wife denied me sex. As sex denial increased so did porn usage. I never hid it or denied it I explicitly told her if you deny me sex I'm going to use porn. I haven't looked at p*** in 6 months and we're still having sex less and less. She would rather divorce than seek council. We have children. I will not accept divorce until after it is way too late. There are things I have asked her to stop doing but she flat-out lied. She said she would stop but didn't. The things that she's done upset me. I wouldn't consider cheating, but she would if I did it.

To Celeste
by: gail

To the last post... I am sorry for your heartache...all of us on this page know what you are going through...

If I was your age and could do this all over I would have left ASAP....the lies and manipulation never stop.

All the wishing and dreaming and crying do not change his addicted brain, unfortunately. Get out and live for you! Please look after yourself...

xoxox

Reply to Cara
by: Anonymous

I’m 64 years old. My husband has been addicted to porn all his adult life. My first encounter was when there was a nude scene in a movie and he said, "Oh baby." 23 years later, I caught him on the computer. I’m not a rag, I take care of myself. He has no excuse. I recently caught him again. I had a breakdown. I was begging my daddy who has passed away to come get me. Every day now and probably for the rest of my life will just be going through the motions of life. I have fought the fight, lost the war and the battle rages on in my heart. I’m Catholic and seeing him bald-faced lie to God and take communion is sickening.

Lying and porn addiction
by: Anonymous

Well hello all, I am so excited to find this site. Thank you all for being so open, honest, and kind.

I’m frustrated and alone, with the man of my dreams. My husband says he loves me, says he is so attracted to me, says, says, says. He talks but doesn't have any walk to actually show me his love.

I know I am not alone as I have spoken with other women who say their husbands are the same way. This has been a problem for us for many years. Porn has caused so much disunity and dissension in my family that I am sick to my stomach to think about having sex with him.

My husband is adorable, brilliant, sexy, caring, kind, loving and very gifted not only in real life but also in the bedroom. He has been the only man to ever get me off! If you know what I'm saying. For so long my self-esteem was shattered. At 25 I had to leave him and the largest part of that separation was due to the lack of interest and desire he showed towards me and the constant hiding, deceitful actions, and insane crazy out of your mind accusations he would insist I was doing.

At that time I had just had my second baby and my body was in shambles. I already hated the way I looked and felt, and the behaviors only increased my issues tenfold. Often times hindering my ability to truly live life.

So please remember, this is my high school sweetheart, the man of my dreams, the only man that has ever provided me with orgasm, but only when he is making love to me without the use of inanimate objects.

I'm concerned about his health and well-being. He hates what he is doing so much that he turns it around in me looking grabbing and grasping for any and everything he can to get on me. He wants to prove something to himself or me, I'm not sure. He lies about what he is doing and why. He accuses me of cheating. He denies me in the bedroom, unless like many of you stated, it’s on his terms and time.

I love him and want to support him. At the same time, this is killing me. I am young, brilliant, sexy, kind, good and loving. In the best shape of my life going on 40.

What do I do, I want him to get help. He is going to end up killing either himself or me over this. I will not divorce, but possibly get my own apartment? I am so lost and longing for the true affection of my husband, I have started to think about seeing someone else, just on a level of intimacy that is no longer found at home. He has started to become physically abusive towards me saying that I make him do those things to me. Even though I have worked so hard to be kind and gentle, tip-toeing around the obvious. He hounds me for hours upon hours about things we have already dealt with, trying to get me to slip up. He makes up things about what I am thinking in my head, and then physically man-handles me when he has gotten me into a rage but refuses to leave me alone or allow me to leave.

He uses things that are too big and I am terrified he is going to seriously injure or kill himself in his escapades alone or in the constant barrage of questions/bullying/threats and deceits. What do I do?

Thank you and may God Bless all of us trying to get through hell to get to heaven. Celeste

reply to Cara
by: Anonymous

Please Cara, PLEASE, understand that you just cannot fix him--no matter what, he will NOT love you the way you want him to, or the way you love him-- his brain just doesn't work the way your brain does. It is like you are talking English and he is talking Spanish, it just does not compute--- But let me say this--you have 2 little ones. They live in the house and see how you and hubby's relationship is, THAT to them is normal!!! You need to show them that is NOT the way mature adults act. Men are NOT allowed to treat women that way- Far easier said than done---so where do you go tomorrow when you need milk and soup? Where are you supposed to take your kids and yourself to sleep tonight? Do you start all over in a shelter of some sort? I hung on myself more out of pride--I was a professional businesswoman, how did I sink so low? Not a single person from my professional life would even recognize me--and NO ONE would understand--so I sit here, taking abuse, my confidence is long gone, and my soul literally sucked away--and why? Because I am now 63 and have nowhere to go--- So my advice to you is, 1st, set the example to your kids as to how it SHOULD be between couples---that should set your soul on fire to move on to the next step--then hit every abuse shelter/center you can-- because you ARE being abused! Those people will help and direct you---keep at it-- do not despair---you have thousands of us behind you and supporting you! I would die right now if I knew none of us ever got out of this mess---while I can't, YOU can, and I am rooting for you!!!

Denise R
by: Robin

I have no idea what to think, mine is so weird and a dirty bird. Who knows what is going on in their minds. I found a shirt covered in his stuff, it is so gross.

All the lies and getting worse!
by: Denise R.

My husband and I have been married for 34 years and I can't take it anymore. He's addicted to alcohol and porn. I'm leaving him soon. I do not love him anymore. One day I looked under his mattress and he had my kid’s photo when they were young and some more of my family pictures in a sandwich bag in a Playboy magazine. He even cut a picture out from a dead person’s obituary. The scary part was that he had their heads cut off their pictures and put in a sandwich bag. He goes into rages, screaming, and about to lose it. I told him he has to get his own place. But I'm moving soon myself, by myself; I don't need him with me at all. He’s weird. What do you think of this?

I am in your shoes
by: Robin

Same here at 49 and it is awful. Here is my email if anyone would like someone to reach out to or talk to.
bondsflowers (at) outlook.com

Reply to Cara
by: Anonymous

Cara, I hope you are okay. You have been through a lot. All I can say is, try to be kind to yourself – you deserve it.

I feel the same – when you have been lied to on so many occasions, it becomes hard to ever trust. But also, the loneliness from not having the support from family and friends adds to the heartache. My sister told me to keep my thoughts to myself because talking about porn is personal. I have since found out that her husband looks at it. She doesn’t like him doing it but doesn’t want anyone to know because that would make her marriage look like a failure.

It would be great if your husband would seek help, but I doubt you could get him to see what this is doing to you and your boys. You shouldn’t be feeling weighed down by everyday living, but I know how you feel. You are in survival mode. Looking after children is not an easy task and even harder when you have a toxic environment around you.

I do feel sorry for these men seeking these avenues like porn. They’re all suffering from some form of mental health issues. But in saying that, I make no excuses for their behaviors. They are grown men and know the difference between what is right and what is wrong. No doubt, his behaviors relate to his upbringing and from seeing porn at such a young age. His mother sounds like my ex-mother-in-law; she said the same thing to me – ‘boys will be boys’. She was protecting herself from the knowledge that she has brought up a disrespectful man. And she was a cold-hearted woman – never anything nice to say, it was all about her.

My husband lied to me constantly for 18 years. Unfortunately, I too am not in the financial position to leave. The decision not to leave comes down to wanting to ensure that my children are financially set up for the future. If I had the money, I would ask him to leave. Oh, the energy I would feel from not having his presence around me would be very satisfying.

I have found it hard to reconcile why he would use other women for his desires. He looked at teenage girls, lesbians, dwarfs, etc, thousands of images. I would often see him perving on women – he couldn’t see them as humans, only as something to desire and get off on. And his behaviors all round are just hideous. He has done too many things over the years to list. I just wish luck would come my way and I could, for the first time in my life, feel peace. I hate it. I never feel at peace.

I have three children and I now see myself telling them to be careful of the partners they choose, especially my girls. I have told them not to bring children into the world unless you are 150% sure that they can trust in the other person. I am not interested in being a grandparent, I am only interested if their parents are treating each other with pure respect. I am sick of hearing of the increasing amounts of divorce due to porn – it is not something that I thought would become common.

I agree with you, this all sucks – it sucks for us, it sucks for the kids, it just sucks! Like you, all I ever wanted was a beautiful family based on love and trust. There needs to be more education out there for people entering marriages and an awareness of pornography. I am amazed at how many of my friends have no clue as to how disgusting and disrespectful the porn of today is.

Cara, I hope you can start to feel better knowing that there are people on this blog who care about your situation. I just wish we could all get together and share in our stories face-to-face.

Looking for a reply
by: Cara

Well, I’m finally brave enough to include my name in the comment description. Can I just say how much this f***ing sucks? I am a Roman Catholic and spiritual person but a situation like this deserves a curse word thrown in here or there. I am 31 years old. I have a 2-year-old, a 1-year-old, and recently gave birth to a 12 week/3 day old baby in my own home. He was breathing in front of me and I held him as he passed. We buried him 2 days later. To say the past 2 months have been hell is an understatement. By the way, I wrote ‘The Sink’ a few months ago.

My husband still rejects me and sex is only on his terms. I feel pathetic- like a prostitute. I am ready and willing when he will finally accept me. He says he doesn’t watch porn, but given his history, I have a hard time believing this. I feel like nothing. Like absolutely nothing. Undesirable. Unworthy. Ugly. Pathetic. You name it. I practically begged him to have sex tonight and he walked upstairs. Is life supposed to be like this?

I come from a family with an alcoholic father (2.5 years sober, Thank you Jesus) and an enabling mother and what I've learned through their relationship is you cannot control the addict. I read in previous posts to take away his phone and internet and get a flip phone. Well, good luck. If he’s anything like mine, he’ll just start going to adult boutiques and watching porn at work. You can’t control people. I constantly think about how I could possibly maybe under the right circumstance be enough for someone. But for right now, that’s impossible. I have 2 babies to take care of and no means of financially leaving.

So do I suffer for life? I watched my parents (who genuinely love each other) fight together against my father's alcoholism? I’ve tried that. But now all I can seriously handle (and I mean to the lowest extent of keeping my head above water) is feeding my kids and taking them somewhere each day to get them out of the house.

The post-traumatic stress is what no one talks about. You think you’re alright and then you’re watching some stupid show like Impractical Jokers and they’re filming in a mall in front of a Victoria’s Secret shop and it hits all over again. It never goes away. All I want is to be loved for who I am and desired. When I first caught my husband years ago, my mother in law told me the whole ‘boys with be boys’ speech and then I knew the whole thing was damned. He saw porn around age 12- his brain is fried.

My plan now includes protecting my precious innocent boys and possibly making a plan to leave him. The worst part is I do love him, but he doesn’t love me the same. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have done this. Marrying a porn addict is like handing your life over to one of constant unrest and paranoia- and trust me, this plays to their gaslighting. I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m lost. Alone. I have friends but they can’t relate. They can hardly keep their husbands off them. Porn is pure evil and even though I sympathize with my husband as a young kid being exposed to it, I am still infuriated by his inability to stop. I don’t know what he watches/if he watches. He tells me nothing. He is a mastermind of deception. I don’t deserve this and find daily life to be depressing and monotonous and lonely. Thank God I have my 2 little boys but they’ll grow up and I'll be alone/ Do I want to be 60 and comparing myself to a 19-year-old porn star?!! I need out, but right now I can’t do it.

Its not worth our life
by: Robin

Please do not consider suicide... Porn does cause us to go crazy, lose our sanity, our self-respect, and our self-worth. They are horrible in bed and feel porny.

I am with you ladies!
by: Robin

Mine has relapsed and keeps lying despite the evidence I have. I am sick of ED and dealing with porn. Even when he does not use sex is same ole same ole. Next month will be 24 years of porn hell.

Can anyone relate?
by: Anonymous

My husband is addicted to porn, uses drugs and booze to enhance the drive. Once he is all wound up from hours of porn, booze, drugs, he wants me to satisfy him. There is no 'we'-- just him. And through all of this, his hands never once touch me. He never EVER tries to entice anything from me, try to excite me. He has said many times- 'aren't you happy to have a husband that you can please?' Last night he asked in a mellow moment if I was happy, but then went on to say 'of course you are, you have a happy husband'. And he was dead serious. If he were to use porn to satisfy his desires, that would be one thing--but it seems to wind him up, and now demands ME to make it even better--- he tells me our 'best/most exciting days' are all behind us, that was only before we got married. I don't seem to be able to tell him that his addiction and selfish treatment of me has turned me off and disgusted me to the point I recoil when he touches me. His treatment of me has destroyed me. I was a professional who made decent money. He conned me into signing everything over into his name alone--long stupid story--So now I sit--no car, no property, no income besides SS, as he ended up getting me fired. He demands I pay for all living expenses-- demands as in screaming yelling matches, and he NEVER EVER stops!---and right-- I should say screw you, but what if he changes the locks? I have nowhere to go, no one to go to, as he has isolated me from all friends and family through the past 6 years we have been together. Walk out?-- you need money for a deposit, for an apartment-- now 63 years old--no car, no home, no self-respect--- I seriously see why seniors suicide-- what is left for me?

Our sanity is the cost
by: B

The cost is our sanity! I think I have PTSD. I hate leaving my house because I feel like its porn fest for him when I’m gone. I hide the lotions, body soap, Vaseline anything that can be used to jack off. I've even caught him using hair grease, smh I've taken pictures of my products just to make sure when I get back they are placed the way I left them.

I'll call while I'm out and hear the echo of him being in the bathroom I'm sure doing the deed. Drives me crazy and I want to stop doing whatever it is I'm doing and rush home. I can't have fun and enjoy myself when I'm out.

It's an addiction that's worse than drugs because you can tell a drug addict, but you can't see the stain of a porn addict. He's done it at work and god knows where else, it kills me.

Let's not start with religion. Mine is "MUSLIM" by mouth ... but his actions are Jesus take the wheel. The only thing he doesn't do is eat pork (in that case, I guess I'm Muslim too). Lower your gaze and protect your parts, not mine he wants to have them greased up. God forbid someone says hello sweetheart and bam, I have a whole new boyfriend according to him. And then I face a whole attitude of all-day sarcasm and trash talking to me, degrading me because a stranger in the store said hello sweetheart and how can I help you from behind the counter.

Sex is basically like consensual rape. He is getting his hit and I'm providing the hole. It doesn't matter if I want it or not. I'm his hole and in my head, I'm making a list of things that need to be done quietly. While he moans and groans drilling his way to the finish line. I'm so miserable. He waves his phone at me... as if I don't give him some he has his phone. But he says he loves me. It’s such a joke. Love is not supposed to hurt!!

Get out and self-heal
by: gail

Heart-wrenching reading these posts. I have had to leave my 25-year marriage as the lies, gas lighting, anger and sarcasm have eaten me up.

I want to find 'me' again. I am building up my network of support and moving on. My husband can lie to the church pastor, therapist, friends, and family... I am beyond caring anymore.

At one time he wanted help and I was there for him. Now he has become defiant, arrogant and heartless. A manipulator who can throw me under the bus anytime he feels like it. He needs help but IF HIS HEART IS NOT IN IT… nothing will change.

The lawyer told me this is the number one reason for divorce now. Women want to nurture and make relationships work, BUT AT WHAT COST?

Most of us are suffering from PTSD...It hurts like hell but I have to face reality. Please find the strength to take care of your mental and emotional health.

I am getting off the crazy train…

Divorce and porn
by: gail

Get out sooner rather than later ladies. I supported a so-called Christian man who has turned into a nightmare. Decades of lying, sarcasm, gas lighting and screaming. Now he is an arrogant narcissist through and through.

The longer you stay, the longer you enable the behavior. I have many regrets now that I did not look after myself. Shut down your emotions and really evaluate your life. Do you want to live like this until your last day on this earth?

So many broken promises. There is no respect or love left. He killed what was 'us'...

Good thing he attends church regularly and leads Men's Bible studies...apparently he does not practice what he preaches....sad.

Deviant porn has led to abuse
by: Anonymous

I am 49 years old, married 28 years, and we have a daughter who is 10. I have known about his porn addiction for 20 yrs. When I first confronted him about it, he pledged to quit, change his behavior, went to a therapist, and I managed to heal myself. I felt betrayed, less than, not attractive enough, even though in fact I was beautiful. Years later, his consistent pursuit of deviant sex has manifested itself in our sexual relationship. One night I was pretty hammered and we were having sex. I trusted he would not do anything I did not want to be done to me, but I was wrong. The next day I felt like I had been raped. Although it really wasn’t quite like that, I made a comment to him but did not really address it. I felt ashamed, disrespected and quite frankly sad that I could not trust my own husband. I shared with him that I felt fear, could never really let myself go in intimacy and felt as if I had to always say no and ruin the moment. I think I know I can’t fix it. I love him truly and he loves me, but I don’t see a way forward. I don’t believe he can stop. I have stated it will cost our marriage if he does not. And I truly think our marriage is over, if not now, then in the near future. I am sad beyond words and want our marriage to work. The thing is - I can’t give him what he wants without trust and assurance I will not get hurt. I don’t trust him because he’s given me no reason to trust him and I am sure that his obsessive behavior in watching this deviant porn (because it’s really disturbing and not your average) won’t stop. I don’t see us coming together on this - only because this has been going on for years. It’s now to the point where I fear for myself, I am apprehensive, not sexually free to explore because I feel fear of what he would do to me if I am again in a compromising position. If he can really quit watching this disturbing crap, perhaps there is hope. And there lies the real problem, he just won’t quit.

I thought I was crazy!
by: Blue

I've been going thru this hell for a few years now. Someone here said silent hell and that's exactly what it feels like. Who can I tell about what I’ve been going thru and what's been happening, because it's so embarrassing and disturbing! I read my story thru all of yours. I have the kids, I’ve heard the "I’m sorry" 100 times, I looked thru the Internet history, I've found him with his private all lubed up. I've cried, I've pleaded, I've asked to please explain why so that I can understand and nothing. I'm to the point where all I feel is so much anger I’m walking on that thin line of love and hate. At this point, on most days, I would love to kick him right in his product infested privates! Lol, sad lol because if not I would just cry which I haven't done in a long time. If he doesn't say something soon I'm just giving up. I want to be happy and I wanted him to look at me and really see me, but he spends more time looking thru the list of online sluts. Lol (not really), but I get it. I watched them when I first found them to see what it was all about and the pictures stayed in my head like a lit-up Times Square billboard. I feel disgusted and ugly and betrayed and disrespected and he possibly can't care if I told him all this and wrote and texted and emailed. It feels good to vent.

His addiction ruined our marriage
by: Anonymous

All of these comments sound so familiar. I have been married for 10 years and I have 2 young children. My husband and I have had a rocky relationship for a while, but we haven’t had sex in a year or two. He neglects me emotionally and physically and chooses porn and masturbation over me. He’s so addicted to porn that he can’t physically perform with a human anymore. I’m so disgusted by him and how he has treated me for the past few years. I am fed up but don’t know what to do. I would leave but my son has a chronic illness and I need my husband’s help to take care of him. I can’t imagine ever having sex with him again- I feel like he has all these images in his mind and would be only thinking of that while in the act with me. So what’s the point of staying in a marriage if there’s no intimacy, emotional love or anything?

I left & you can too..
by: Anonymously GONE

I’m so glad I found this site. I’m 26 & recently broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years after finding out he is addicted to porn.

I am writing this to tell anyone who needs to hear this… You are NOT obligated to fix your spouse, husband, boyfriend, man, whatever he is to you regardless of what your family, church, and friends tell you. Most of these men developed these horrible, disgusting habits way before they even knew you existed. So why is it supposed to be your life duty to fix them?

I’m sorry, but I believe your life has way more meaning than that. Even if you guys have a family together, maybe you two were only brought together to have these beautiful children & that's it. Maybe you two are supposed to go your separate ways. And yes, I totally understand why & how that can be hard to do. But can you imagine raising your children in that type of household? To have their dad to only look at their mother as an object & slave to their demands. Honestly, that sounds way worse than leaving & raising those beautiful children by yourself, in a loving home.

My heart breaks after reading some of these stories. Please get out & soon as possible. Focus on you! I believe in you!

Sick and tired of the lies and addiction
by: Anonymous

Hi everyone,

I am sorry to hear so many unfortunate stories about porn and its adverse effect on people and their families. It wears everyone down and brings nothing to those individuals who partake in it. The main problem is the lies associated with porn as ultimately the lies that break trust. It's not easy to get excited by a partner who lies, spends time masturbating to a fake world, and only thinks of themselves. Porn is getting worse - people are now viewing horrible acts that shouldn’t be considered normal...how could this have happened. I feel so sorry for the generations to follow.

I wish I had an answer for everyone's situation. It is not easy, especially when children are involved. And it's not easy if you don't have the right support. A lot of people still do not understand porn and where it has evolved to. And it's not easy when you are lied to constantly. I think it's a day-by-day situation. Just try to take care of your health!

If I had known what I know now - I would never have married the prick! Not to mention, I would never have treated him the way he has treated me - like an object. Porn objectifies women and this is where many of the behaviors are drawn from.

How do you ever trust again, and how do you trust someone who says, after they have lied thousands of times, - "oh, I promise I will never do it again"?

I wish I had the time to be addicted to something, but I have three kids to look after, a job and a household to run. Although, I would love to be addicted to a kind, warm and gentle man...maybe in my next life!

For the mom of 3
by: Patty

For the mom of three. We all are going through what you are! You can get child support. PLEASE DONT WASTE YOUR LIFE on him it doesn't get better. Read all these posts. I know you will be able to find love. I wish I would have known about this site 15 yrs. ago. I was so naive about porn addiction and now I am 54 yrs. old. Don't let your kids live a life like this!

Hits too close to home for me
by: Anonymous

Wow! Hate to say it, but I feel a sense of relief that I am NOT going crazy. I too am experiencing many of these same issues you all are. He has an alcohol problem that just makes it all that much worse. We have now been married for 16 years. For the first 12, I just had a gut instinct that something was not right. The lies, the manipulation, the excuses on and on. I finally did the math. Something just didn't add up with what he was saying. Spent 4 years researching the internet with all that was happening and discovered that he had a personality disorder.

About a year ago I discovered that he had placed a passcode on his cell phone. I questioned him on this only to have him lie to me that it was because his coworkers were getting into his phone. I fell for it. Then one day the ding goes off on his phone and I read the name of his coworker. A young girl 30 years his junior and the boss's daughter. I questioned him again and he held his phone so I could not read what he was writing to her. I warned him that his behavior was very inappropriate and that it could cause him to lose his job.

I thought he stopped but it only continued after the passcode came off for a week or two to appease me. A week ago I accidentally saw his phone he forget to take with him. If you want to get past that passcode ladies, just keep a watchful eye when they least expect it. You rattle their cage and they get careless. He did and I saw his passcode. Never said a thing. Now I am taking pictures of all his texts EVERY single evening as proof while he is sleeping. Maybe a bit of an invasion of privacy but that SOB will see what KARMA is all about when I get done with him. No respect, lost all my trust and this is what I live with? I deserve so much better. His porn addiction, explicit sexual language to a 20-year old whose name is always getting changed in the contact list to throw me off is disgusting. When he gets upset with me his recent phone call list is filled with women's names.

Ladies, learn more about how to access his phone. They leave a trail. His way or the highway as he says. Wrong buddy, now it's MY turn. BYE-BYE! Stay strong you can do this and nail that SOB for lack of respect and trust.

Hard to believe...
by: MomOf3_Agh

So here I sit in my bathroom at almost 2 am. Finally got all 3 of our children to sleep two girls and one boy ages 2, 4, and 7. I have been married for almost 10 years and I am 29 years old. So I have been neglected mentally and emotionally now for years. My husband (since that's what he's called) doesn't feel like he's anything more than a roommate. He literally lays in his bed all day and night on his phone. I would be laying in what was our bed and could just feel that disgusting feeling and as weird as it sounds feel in my heart him watching porn even though he is always too tired to do anything at all around our home or with our children. I got the courage to look on his chrome past search history etc. and found all kinds of porn use.

Now I haven't had intimacy in months and it just makes me mad and hurts horribly. I worked so hard to get my body to where it is now. I am 145 lbs. and 5"11. I always have people tell me, oh you’re so beautiful or have men flirting with me but my own husband doesn't even touch me.

I happened to see the same porn video repeatedly and as soon as I clicked to see what it was I was beyond disgusted. A few months prior to this he had shown me a small clip and was basically asking me if I would try what the woman in the video was doing. No one can tell me that men don't fantasize that they are performing those acts on these women while they are masturbating with their wife and children in the other room. I guarantee had I tried the act in his mind, he would be trying to imagine me as her.

He is now so disrespectful to me to the point I don't want to continue in this marriage. But considering I'm a stay at home mom to 3 young children, I don't have any money or anywhere to even go. I feel so disgusted just looking at him because I keep seeing the videos that he obsessively watched and the things he searched for.

I'm mad that I wasted so much of my life on him only to be just unloved and uncared for and tossed away. I don't know what to do anymore, but emotionally and mentally I feel like I'm breaking down. :-( He acts like it’s not a big deal when he knows the issues from our past. And I even wholeheartedly crying told him that it made me feel like I wasn't good enough, yet he still continued watching and thought he was hiding it better. I'm not trying to brag myself up but I'm not an ugly woman and to know he would rather masturbate than have sex with me has broken my heart and changed who I am inside.

Oh, he promises to stop looking at it but it’s Deja vu because we have been here before. I wish I had some women going through the same things to talk to. I need some encouragement because I want to be happy and to someday find a man who accepts me for who I am and chooses me over porn. Men have no clue how bad they are damaging their family by being selfish and neglectful. I'm not a cheater but I'm almost to the point of finding someone who actually wants to have sex with me. My love language is physical touch and he never touches me and is hardly even in the same room. If I had the money I'd leave and start a new life for my children and because we all deserve better than this.

Not Alone
by: Anonymous

I am 64 years old and my partner is 58. (I am a youthful 64!)

We have lived together for 6 1/2 years. Within a month or two of living together, I discovered he was looking at porn on my laptop. I confronted him and he promised not to do it again. Ha-ha. Of course, he did and that is when I should have kicked him out.

After only a few months of being together, he lost interest in sex with me and used excuses of getting older, etc. I am 6 years older than him and I did not want to give up sex.

Of course, he was still using porn for his sexual satisfaction. After 3 years together, and no sex at all for 2 of those years, we moved to another city so that he could start a business. Right after we moved, I discovered he was soliciting sex on Craig's List. He cried and begged and I said he needed to go to counseling or I was gone. He went to counselling but nothing changed. I do believe he had women in our home and bed from Craig's List. I confronted him but of course, he denied it. When the bedspread was on the bed backward, it was because the cat had vomited on it and he had to take it off the bed to clean it. Yeah right!

So here I sit, 6 and a half years in, with no sex for 5 and a half years. He is very kind and thoughtful in other ways and we do not speak of his activities/addiction.

I plan to leave; there is no changing these men no matter what they or anyone else tells you.

I have gained 40 lbs. as he has made me feel ugly due to his rejection. I am very happy to have found this site. We all deserve better!

Am I crazy?
by: Anonymous

After 18 years of marriage, I discovered that my husband is addicted to porno, masturbation, and in general sex. Although he says he has never cheated on me and uses these other things to release stress, I feel very uncomfortable with the whole thing. He says he does not have sexual complaints about me, there is a difference in how he feels with pornography as compared to making love to me. When I confront him he tells me that it has always been like that, I just didn't discover it before, so "what does it matter, we have been happy right?"

He has been a great husband. I thought I knew him, but he has a dark side, like every human being I guess. I am no one to criticize and yet, it is so painful. All of this got discovered when I realized he was having issues with Alcohol and chatting with a woman over WhatsApp. He got so scared when I caught him that he paralyzed in fear and instead of clarifying what was happening (alcoholism), he deleted all the conversations and protected her by not wanting to make a call in front of me to tell her their friendship was over.

I gave him/us a Chance, we worked on rebuilding trust very hard. Just 2 months afterward I find out he’s watched pornography and masturbated almost daily for years, because simply "he likes it". I feel my world has gone upside down. I have looked for help, read articles to learn, to open my mind but it still hurts so much...I can't get over it...I feel contaminated...all I have in my head are these pornography images (although I asked him several times to watch it with me, he also said no because it was embarrassing to him), lies, secrecy...

Am I crazy? Am I exaggerating? Am I going to break my family and marriage because of this? In my eyes, he lost my respect, and when respect is gone, love fades slowly...He says that he loves me.

It's hard
by: Anonymous

I’ve read all the comments and their stories are so much like mine. Like the last comment in which the lady said the church said to forgive her husband. My church used to tell me to treat my husband like Jesus would and that I am here to save him. All that did was make me feel like I had to stay with him. And I also gave up everything for him and I don’t have a career either. So I feel stuck. I play the lottery all the time and pray that I hit it just to get me out of this mess. That’s the only reason I am here! If any of you can get out, don’t stay for love. Because it doesn’t get better. They don't change. It's a sick disease.

Leave now
by: Anonymous

It doesn't get better. I married him at 18. Found out about his addiction at 30. He'd had it since he was about 12. I always knew something was wrong, but I thought it was me. I stayed and had kids with him because I was in church, and they seem to put so much pressure to forgive, stay married, help him, etc. But he never changed. He cried, he went to counseling, he went through programs, but always went back to it. It destroyed me. I finally quit sleeping with him 3 years ago because it had been making me physically sick for years. Now I'm 58, no career because I raised the kids, but I have one adult child who's suicidal and moved back home, so I had to quit school and can't chance putting him through a divorce right now. The others have things like OCD, anxiety, learning disabilities, I believe from the stress I had while pregnant. He was never a molester, but living with an addict drove me crazy, and it affected the kids. Leave while you're young, you can work to support yourself, and you're not destroyed. He needs to fix himself, and you are not called (or able) to save him. Your kids having a healthy mom is way more important than having a dad just to have one. I still hope to leave someday. I want to have a few years of happiness before I die.

Sad
by: Anonymous

I live in a silent hell. I’ve been married for 14 years and always knew something was wrong but just couldn't put my finger on it. He was in the military and was gone a lot, so I didn't catch it right away. After he retired we had already been married 10yrs. That's when I kept catching him on the internet and sneaking laptops I had no idea he had bought!! Or if I leave and forget something and have to come home quick, I’ll catch him. Then I found he was using a different address and had a credit card and was buying porn on the internet, buying DVDs… it just goes on and on. We are still married. We have gone to counseling but it never helped. We haven't slept together for 10yrs now. We are basically roommates. We don't have kids together. He is my second marriage. He makes all the money is the house and carries the insurance. At this point I am numb. I pray to God every day to take me out of this pain because I’m not happy. I don't know what to do. I try to talk to him but he just gets mad and says he is not looking at it. I know he is. They view women so poorly looking at this crap. I ask him why he didn't just tell me he was addicted to porn! I left my first husband because he was an addict to pot. Now another addiction and it's hard to talk about this one!

Leanna, I love your story - thank you
by: Anonymous

Go, Leanna!! I love that you're in a place of getting to know you. And I am glad that you no longer feel guilt, as this was never your fault.

Your children are so lucky to have you - you teach them to respect themselves and you teach them to respect others. That's what this all boils down to.

How can a human teach others to respect when they don't respect themselves?

I hope things keep getting better. Take care. xo



Taking back your life. Bury the past and change what you can
by: Leanna

This is my 3rd post and now I’m ready to say my name is Leanna. I’ve been married for 35 years. I have finally come to terms with the fact that the first 30 yrs. we’re just a lie. The only thing that was pure and true were the 2 births and raising of our two beautiful children who are both successful.

I’ve learned to stop blaming myself, being ashamed and quiet.

I have come clean with all 7 of my siblings, which has been the best thing ever because I have my support system back. "AWESOME!" One of the worst things we do is not confide in our family. For me, I didn’t want to lie, so instead, I stopped communicating with them. It was a bad decision, but at the time I was so full of shame which is complete BS! I finally realized I need to put myself first. Why not? He’s been selfish the whole time and continues to be. So I’m hiking, eating real food, and sticking up for myself. Gone are the days of being threatened about leaving because I’m not scared to be alone. When there’s no intimacy, you’re pretty much living alone already.

Every chance I get I tell both my kids to remember one another, respect your relationships, be truthful, loving and build intimacy every day. I still have crappy moments but they are getting less and less.

I also have come to terms with the fact that my husband is a liar and he will never change. Of course, he’s always bragging about how he’s changed, but the truth is I cut access to all porn sites on his phone, iPad, iPod, and TV. But you know there is always the daily pathetic w****s who think their value is in their looks walking among us. So I pretty much don’t go anywhere with him because frankly, it’s embarrassing the way he acts like he’s in heat. I’m sure you all know what I mean.

I finally took off my wedding ring because it was a constant reminder of my failed marriage. So its baby steps for me. I’m choosing to stay, but not choosing verbal abuse. He still tries to pull his BS, but I shut it down. Yeah, I still have crappy days (not going to lie), but all I have to do is get my butt up on a mountain for a hike. It’s amazing what exercise does for you; all the happy feel-good hormones (that you get got to say sometimes it better than sex).

I mean really you all know how cruddy sex is with a person who views women as T&A only. There’s no foreplay, no orgasm for you, it’s all about that 3 min lack of self-control. And after a while it a no brainer; do I really want to spend another day frustrated or get out and hike? Well, that where I’m at this moment, pretty much learning to get to know this person I am all over again. And yes, there have been many thoughts of what did I ever see in him?

I’m praying every day for my heart to heal 😩

I still don't know what to do...
by: Anonymous

For 17 years, I have been lied to, and I look back and wonder and reflect on a life that I wasn't living because it was not real. I am in a situation that I never thought I would be in - I had not thought that the man I married would lie to me but also gaslight me. He lied about his use of pornography, saying that he never looked at porn. He lied to me about our finances; he put us in debt over half a million AUD (sharemarket). I knew nothing about the share trading. It was all done behind my back. And he lied to me about masturbating next to his daughter. My daughter came to me and told me what she had seen daddy doing - he denied it and made something up. It took a lie detector test for all to be revealed. He had masturbated next to his daughter close to 30 times.

On top of all this, there are so many other things that go with his story of lies and betrayal.

I feel weighed down. I feel let down. And I feel sorry for my beautiful children because they do not get the chance to explore a wonderful sense of family life - why? Because their mother cannot stand to be with this lying human.

At the end of the day, it's the children who suffer most from this, and it's the children that we need to protect.

Children are sex-trafficked because of the pornography industry; every click is generating more and more abuse. Please if you have an addiction, fight hard to overcome it because you are better than that. And if you are in a relationship, please think of the children and what's best for them. I know it's not easy. The objectification of women, men and children is dehumanizing.

Please keep writing on this forum and share your stories. I wrote here over a year ago and have read every post since. I would love to hear how everyone is going and where their stories are at.

Porn is Evil
by: Anonymous

Men have to want to quit. I have been trying to quit this since March, go a few days without and then relapse. It's been the same battle over and over again. It's like I become mindless and unable to control myself. I also suffer from severe depression and anxiety, and on bad mental days, the urges are much worse. Brain scans show a change in the brains of porn addicts, similar to brains of drug addicts. I am not going to give up trying to quit though. I never thought I would be an addict or thought I could lose control of myself like this. I always wondered why alcoholics couldn't just stop and now I know. It's pretty much the same thing.

The brains of porn addicts have been rewired. Depending on how long they've been watching, it may not be as simple as just turning it off. I have experiences physical withdrawal symptoms when going off of it for a week. My brain has become used to the chemicals, dopamine, and hormones produced by this addiction. But I will keep fighting until I win. I cry in bed many nights thinking about how I can't stop. But I DO WANT to stop and am working towards it. I have joined some support groups and talking to other addicts has helped. This is also caused by depression issues and hatred I have always had for myself and how I have been treated by others. If your husbands are watching porn and addicted, they HAVE TO work towards quitting. There is no other solution. Porn sucks the life out of people, relationships, everything. They need to admit they have a problem and that porn is evil. Denial is not going to help the family.

13 months
by: Anonymous

If you have only been married 13 months I know it’s going to hurt but. Do you want your whole life ruined? Cause read all these posts. It doesn’t get better! There no cure for this. They hide it, they get sneakier. We all have computers or phones, and even if you got rid of internet access, they would find ways of getting photos or DVDs. It's a sick disease.

Like banging my head on concrete daily.
by: A damn fool

I have only been married for 13 months. I just recently discovered my husband's internet obsession. The worst part is the lies. He says his buddy used his account, but it's his info and his mysterious email address I just discovered. He watches porn but he also signs up for numerous cheating and dating sites. I thought it began during our separation 5 months ago but I just found a profile he created 3 months after our marriage. If I question him he gets furious and just lies and then brings other people in, like his so-called allies who will say it was them. If it was me doing this he would definitely kill me. He expects loyalty and respect yet gives none. This is hands down the most painful experience of my life I have no one to turn too nowhere to go.

I lied and now I truly regret it
by: Anonymous

I have read through the posts and I’m heartbroken. I’m in the same situation, I have been using porn since puberty. My girlfriend and I have been together for three years now. She found out in my cellphone and in my browser history that I’ve been looking for porn images. She explained to me that she felt betrayed by this and I apologized every single time it happened. I’ve promised to never do it again, but I fail. I really love her and it makes me feel so bad when it happens. I didn’t have the will-power to stop once I’m on it. That was when I realized that I could have some porn addiction. Now I feel that I can’t regain her trust. I don’t want her to leave me, but I won’t blame her if she did. I accept my mistake and I’m fully committed to finding help to quit it. I just hope that is not too late, that she doesn’t leave me, and that we could go through this together. I truly desire to stop it and I’m open to doing everything possible such as accountability software, counseling, and everything that takes to stop this and help me to be a better person for her.

I just don't understand it
by: Anonymous

I read these comments and it just makes me mad and sad. My husband goes to work, comes home, goes to his room cause we don't sleep together anymore, and he on his phone the rest of the night. He acts like he can't stand me. I pray to God every day for help and nothing has changed. Does he really like this kind of life? I just don't understand it. Women on the internet he will never meet. He is willing to give up his family for this? He should be ashamed of it.

If I start digging and show him that I know he is still looking at porn, he will say he stopped or he will until I get the energy to prove him wrong again. This been going on for 14 years. I just give up now. I just want to know why, if you men know you're addicted, would you even get married and ruin someone else’s life?

Addiction
by: Anonymous

Porn use can be a horrible addiction just like drugs or alcohol can be. I am a man who has suffered from this addiction for so many years, even before getting married. I have tried and tried to stop but have relapsed. I am currently on a new journey of healing. When I watch porn I get no enjoyment out of it. I hate it, but it can become an addiction and compulsion that cannot be stopped. While I'm watching I cry out to God to please help me stop, but I lose all control of my mind. I also have a lot of shame. But like with any addiction, one must be willing to admit they have a problem and put in the effort to quit. I'm in a porn addiction support group now and have found it helpful. If your husbands are continuously using porn, odds are they are addicted, even if they don't admit it to themselves - like an alcoholic! They need therapy and to really figure out why they are doing this and a commitment to stop.

He doesn’t need me so why not just go
by: Patty

I am married to a porn addict. I had no idea he was addicted to internet porn when we got married 14yrs ago. The sex was only about once a week back then and I was 40. I am 54 now and haven’t had sex in 8 yrs. He doesn't do it in front of me (he still in denial). He tells me he’s not looking at it, but I caught him time and time again. What does a person do when you have your whole life with someone and they chose to do this? I feel so alone. I can’t talk to my family about this. We’ve gone to counselors. He is the breadwinner of the family. I feel like, why did he even marry me if he knew he was addicted to porn. He doesn’t even have sex with me, so why am I here? I tell him he doesn’t need me so why not just go!

Run
by: Patty

All I can say is my story is just like all yours. If you can, run as fast as you can! It only gets worse! And start your life over!

She left because of my addiction
by: Anonymous

Yes, the tittle says everything. We were married and I was lucky to meet her as she helped me leave the third world country where I was stuck. We got married and lived happily for the first months, but then her mother gave me a computer as a gift. I was planning to have a YouTube channel and start working from home. I started again calling girls over skype and having that hidden pleasure and not telling her anything about it. I was passive aggressive whenever there was a problem. Even small arguments meant I would the house and I leave her alone. I was stuck in my misery and I am stuck now again. Sometimes I feel like the only way to feel free from that is to end my life. I live now with my religious parents back in a third world country. All my dreams of finding a good job and having a family and a lovely wife have disappeared in front of my eyes and I’m not able to change it.

I am a virtual sex addict. When I was dating my ex-wife long distance, she loved the way I was interested in her and wanting to see her. But she was over my screen and once I was with her in real life, I could only handle it a few months before but I went back to my old ways again. I deserve to live lonely until I die lonely in my grave. I hope God will take me and forgive me for what I have done. But I want to die without pain because I have lived with too much of it.

Porn and lack of respect
by: pmw

So ladies, how do we deal with this? How do we go on? Our self-respect is shot, we are SO humiliated-- I re-read my posts and read everyone's responses-- I feel so much better knowing I am not alone, so SO sad that others are going thru it---but still I ask, now what? I actually did tell my sister during a super bad period of time, and she was shocked and now avoids me as she doesn't know what to do to help--telling her that just her knowing and listening helps, turns out to be just too much for her--so going to anyone else would be the same or worse-- My problems ARE my problems---I can't fault my sis for not wanting to deal with such a mess---so, do we just continue to wallow in our misery? Does anyone have any realistic answers?

It can be conquered...
by: You can....

Keep reading all the posts... Look at all the common denominators. What gives? Same story over and over. The porn they have today has subliminal messages for them to keep coming back, that’s just the beginning. I have a whole lot to say about it. One thing I want to say is that it can be conquered!!!! Ladies, you’re going to need to put on thick skin and be ready to battle the devil himself. You don’t have time to waste.

How do I know this!? Because we conquered it!!! I was just like all the other wife’s on here except I didn’t back down. I took the bull by the horns and went charging in... You’ll never get that time back, but you can make your future completely different. You are all strong lovable woman with value. Mine was addicted for years!! He’s free of all of it! Porn is the gateway for much more deviant behavior. When it gets old, they need more and much more disgusting until they start living it. Hence, the hookers, massage parlors, random hookups, you name it.

Let me say it again it can be conquered, but get ready for the battle. I’ll post more if anyone is interested. To start I’ll say this, take away the source. That means unplug your TV, get him a flip phone and absolutely no internet (not even to look at normal news). Get him out of electronics and back into real life. Explain this is the start and if you want to have a future, it starts now... and don’t break for 60 days... no electronics...

I will say if he’s not willing to do this or if he is physically abusive... you need to leave. Get out and don’t look back...

Same lame lies... same excuses...
by: Anonymous

I’m shocked by all these stories... I’m in a similar situation. We got together 20 years ago. I was young and naive I guess... When I first found the porn I felt sick to my stomach, angry, crying and upset. I lived many miles from family and was very homesick. Then the promises started; "I’ll never do it again, I’m sorry, bla bla bla."

It was around this time I started overeating and drinking too much. I put on a few pounds very quickly and lived in a cycle of catching him or afraid to leave the house knowing he would be at it. I would search everywhere, find stuff, argue, cry, and not speak for weeks... Then more overeating and more wine to numb all the nonsense around me... All the while never being able to tell anyone out of embarrassment & some stupid sense of loyalty. That said, where is his loyalty?? So I could never open up about it...

In order to get head peace, I stopped looking. It’s easy sometimes to turn the other way and pretend. Then something else happened... it’s been a long time and I kind of hoped it was all done. But this is something else he is taking to another level that could affect his job. I’m done having sex with this man. His cheap thrills and always chasing the next Big O means more to him than me. How can you carry on loving someone who repeatedly lies and has no respect for himself or his wife? The sex industry, internet, and magazines have a lot to answer for... Sometimes I joke in the next life I’m definitely coming back as a man as it’s an easier time for them... But actually NO thanks... I couldn’t think of anything worse! Marriages & relationships in the future I think the majority will have issues and many will be doomed before they even get started. It’s sad... Really sad.

Hate the secrets
by: Anonymous

I have so many concerns, my husband watching porn for at least an hour a day in the bathroom that I know of. Every device he uses has a password on it. I have found evidence in the past of him contacting escorts and looking up women on Craigslist. I confronted him with these things in the past and he told me he was just curious. He told me he thought he did have an addiction to porn and was going to work on it. I have no idea if it’s better or if he’s just better at hiding it but I definitely know that every day he looks at least an hour in the bathroom right outside the kitchen. I just don’t know if this is normal behavior. I hate knowing we been married for so many years and this is still going on.

Bizarre Behavior
by: AnonymDenise Howardous

I am 60 years old my husband is 67 and he’s been addicted to porn for years. If I had known, I would never have married him (we’ve been married 32 years). We do not have sex anymore since I was in my late 40's. He told me he did not want to have sex with me and it really hurt me. He buys hundreds of nude books. But lately he’s been acting strange. I went under his mattress and looked in one of his nude books and a sandwich bag felled out of it. I was so shocked to see in the sandwich bag were photos of my family, pictures with the head only. He had pictures of my two daughters when they were young in there, my sister and 2 cousins, a friend of the family. It is so bizarre that it’s only pictures of their heads. I almost had a nervous breakdown. I told him I am done with him. Praying he found him a place soon. I can't trust him anymore and I do not love him anymore. Don’t put my family or kids in your books with only their heads in a plastic bag. What is he doing with the photos of my family? He's so mean now. I can't even talk to him at all.

Living a life with a porn addict
by: Anonymous

I have no answer!! Porn has been part of my husband's life my entire marriage!! I am stuck, I am just the depository!! He fantasizes with me and only uses me as the depository!!!!!!!! I feel empty and lonely! No gifts and fake affection can fulfill me anymore.

26 weeks pregnant
by: Anonymous

I've had problems before in our relationship... With porn. Never thought it was this bad. I actually track it back almost every day since I've. Pregnant. This pregnancy has been super hard, overwhelming and I've been so sick... I work 40 hours and we have 2 young boys... Today I caught him after I had walked out the door for work because I forgot my key's. I'm mostly upset because time after time I ask him not to watch it... He deletes history all the time. Only watches one type of porn, makes me feel very insecure. We've had problems before in our relationship... With porn. Never thought it was this bad. I actually tracked it back and it’s almost every day since I've gotten pregnant. This pregnancy has been super hard, overwhelming and I've been so sick... I work 40 hours and we have 2 young boys... Today I caught him after I had walked out the door for work because I forgot my keys. I'm mostly upset because time after time I ask him not to watch it... He deletes history all the time. He only watches one type of porn and it makes me feel very insecure. I just found all the porn on his phone. I just worked an 8 hour day, everything hurts and of course, the house is a disaster... But he still had time to watch porn twice today. And he watches it before every shower... I'm so done. It’s not ok. I just found all the porn on his phone. Just work an 8 hour day, my everything hurts and of course, the house is a disaster... But he still had time to watch porn twice today. And watches it before every shower... I'm so done. It isn't ok

RE: Husband won't discuss it and says I'm emotionally abusive
by: Anonymous in MN

Deborah, so sorry to read what you are/were going through. I could have written this post. I’ve given up trying to communicate with someone who yells and slams doors and walks away when I bring up ANYTHING. He was downloading "free" porn (a lot) but I know he is also sending money to some of these sites. He’s in debt and never has money for home repairs, etc. We do have separate bank accounts and credit cards but I’m worried I’ll be sucked into his debt. I found out years ago he spent a ton of money at strip clubs getting lap dances. I was shocked, to say the least. God knows what else he has done. Nothing but lies. There is no trust, no intimacy, and no communication. Just trying to be calm and not engage in the yelling and screaming, knowing at some point I will leave. Difficult right now with no steady income. You are not alone. Stay strong.

Lies and abuse
by: Anonymous

It’s not even the porn that bothers me so much it is the type he watches; incest, molested, teen this teen that. We have grown daughters and now granddaughters (one that we raise). I have no one to turn to, nowhere to go… He’s told me for 30 years I’m crazy and even had me put in the hospital and the doctors told me I’m not crazy, but I have PTSD because of his abuse! I’m to blame because I have allowed it to happen. He lies about everything and says his search history wasn’t due to his searches! I’m fed up and can’t take anymore.

Just found out
by: Anonymous

I had a gut feeling to check what my husband of 24 years had been spending all his time on in the office. I checked his browser history and found that he was looking at porn. Ok. I get it. It is not something new to us. We honestly used to watch it together sometimes to spice up our sex life. I am chronically ill and our sex life has been put on the back burner. I understand his needs and desires for sex, but I come to find out that he has been paying for an online service. Not only that but for the last 3 years. I confronted him and he shamefully admitted He has been addicted since age 14. He promises me that this is the only thing he has kept from me. He has been my rock through my illness and is a good person. I love him more than anything and I know truly he loves me. He says it’s not about me and wanting me. He says he’s addicted. He deleted the site and subscription. I pray that he will change but I am terrified he can’t get past this. We are planning on going to counseling. I love him. I don’t want to see our marriage end because of this but how can I believe him?

Lying for 10 years
by: Tired of worrying

My husband and I are a fairly young couple and when I first found out about his addiction I was too young to understand the depths of porn addiction. We are both in our early 30’s. We have four kids and been together for almost 10 years (married for nearly 5). He still desires me, tells me I’m beautiful and wants sex frequently. I just can’t deal with the fact that he spends hours watching porn. It has also led him to cheat on me physically a couple of times. He knows it’s an issue and says he wants to stop but doesn’t know how. I really love him and want to stay married but not at the expense of only having my husband’s affection part-time. I can tell when he actively looking at porn because he is not the same thing towards me emotionally. The lies and broken promises to quit has just become more than I can bear. I want out! I just hope I have the strength to walk away...

RE: Too old to deal with it
by: Anonymous

It hurts so bad, doesn't it? While we have spent our entire life investing in this life/relationship, now what? All of our dreams and hope have been destroyed. Right when we should be at the stage of saying 'ahhhh'--and sitting on the deck with a glass of wine while the sun sets---and here we are, too scared to even get out of bed and face the next betrayal. My heart breaks for you. I can offer no advice, as I am where you are. All I can say is YOU are not alone. I wonder how many of us are out there.

Too old to deal with it!
by: Anonymous in MN

It’s truly heartbreaking reading all of these posts. I will be 61 years old next month. I’ve been married for 38 years. Husband is 63. He has been addicted to porn probably since the beginning, but things have become unbearable these last few years. He can’t "perform" anymore (blames it on his age) yet he downloads porn and has stacks of porn DVDs and thousands of images. He was on a dating site several years ago. He’s bald, overweight and broke, but spends money on porn while I pay all the bills. And constantly lies about it. I’m having trouble finding work as a graphic artist so I can’t afford to leave. Will probably retire next year. I really don’t want to give up my home but I have no choice. He’s mentally unstable and I fear what he might do if I leave. I feel miserable and stuck. I have no desire to be in another relationship but I am terribly lonely.

This is no way to live. There is no trust. No love. No hope. I’m so tired of this. How you did deal with it? I have nobody to talk to.

Husband won't discuss it and says I'm emotionally abusive
by: Deborah

I had found three videos on the Fire that he uses daily. At first, it looks like nothing but after I click on Page 2 it's all free porn. When I stated something about it to my husband, he started telling me that I lie and that I am emotionally abusing him. He yells and screams emotional abuse every time now. Today I told him to sit down and that we needed to discuss our marriage of 26 years and decide what we are going to do. I told him that under the circumstances, I felt that we should divorce as he was never going to stop with the porn, sexless marriage, and how his personality had changed. He would not sit down and yelled that I was emotionally abusing him. So, as of today, I can't even discuss divorce. I don't tell lies and don't make things up so I don't know what he is talking about. He then proceeds to find a project outside. Nothing ever gets resolved and I am tired, lonely and feel that I am by myself on everything. When we went to the soccer game, he ogled and gawked at this one young woman for a good 30 mins. Yes, I had timed it. It was a constant looking at this woman and every time she had moved. I was told that I was making this up but guess what, I won't be going to any more soccer games with him acting that way.

Too old to deal with it!
by: Anonymous

I'm 65 and husband is 68 and we’ve been married for 47 and a half years. Both of us are retired and I WAS hoping for a wonderful retirement. Nope, I guess this has been going on for many years. About 3 months ago, somehow our computers got synced and I was getting popups from the notification screen with nude girls asking my hubby to text them. So like any normal wife, I started investigating things. Well, the husband has been very busy, embedding and zipping pictures and videos and of course DENYING EVERYTHING. He then got angry and called me a c*nt. He told me he was sick of me and I was the reason our marriage is going to end. He has had a heart condition so for many and I mean many years (which means no erection). He told me no more, reset the phone, reformatted computer. He also purchased a new computer and has apps on his phone that hides special stuff. He has pushed me and his kids and grandkids away and doesn't want anything to do with us. Valentine’s Day he placed a card, flowers, and candy on the counter and said happy Valentine’s Day. I had to ask him to hug or kiss me and he instantly got mad. I have no trust in him. Had put on 2 tv's YouTube so he can stream the sites he goes to. The list goes on and on I need some help and advice.

The Sink
by: Anonymous

You know that feeling when you first discover your husband’s addiction. Your stomach literally drops, you shake, and you are consumed by a rage so deep you practically black out. Discovering my husband’s porn addiction devastated me and shattered my heart. But, if we are all honest with ourselves, there were probably obvious warning signs along the way. The most accurate way to describe the betrayal, for me at least, is a hurt so deep that it is all-consuming. It is literal Hell on Earth.

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and together for about 9. We have 2 sons- a toddler and a 7th-month-old. We were friends first (although I had the biggest crush on him 😂) He was funny, smart, handsome, instantly likable, and charming. The first experience with his hidden life happened around Christmas 4 years ago. I turned on my laptop and discovered he had been watching videos of the Victoria Secret Fashion Show models run around backstage in lingerie. I truly believed my husband was unique and didn’t watch porn. Because he told me he didn’t and I believed him.

The great unleashing of truth via his browser history was probably the worst day of my life. I knew something was up. I kept finding strange cookie and cache files on his computer. I became the ultimate detective, wondering where he was going when he left angry and claimed he sat in a parking lot to think. I would sneak on the computer when he went to the bathroom but everything was always deleted. 3 years ago - I saw everything. I took screenshots. My heart broke. When he came back I confronted him and he acted like I was the craziest person in the world. That I was insane. Thank God I had experience with gas lighting from my mom who always chose me as her target. If you’re not careful you start to believe their garbage. He denied, denied, denied. When he finally confessed that ‘some’ of the files were his, he immediately blamed me for stressing him out.

That night became one of the first times I saw him as an abuser. Normally he was happy-go-lucky; well as long as things were on his terms and he was reaping the most benefits. He screamed, punched walls, cried. I left for a day or 2 but went right back to him. I wanted him to show he loved me and not some porn star. I wondered how I measured up in his eyes. If I was physically desirable to him then he wouldn’t be watching porn nonstop. I wanted to die and I tortured myself with continued detective work- I wanted to know what he watched. What sorts of girls he was attracted to. This was not curiosity. It was self-sabotage.

A year later and I was still playing detective, except now I am engulfed in my own addictions for alcohol/drug use, staying up all night searching his phone and computer for anything and everything. A few months later, we are engaged. I remember it feeling bittersweet. Every time I looked at him, all I saw was a lying porn addict. Our wedding day appeared happy to others I’m sure but we basically couldn’t stand each other. We danced to the song that reminded us of ‘us’ and I felt nothing.

That year still makes me sick- I truly thought I would die. I wanted to. He agreed to let me see his phone when I wanted and I never found anything obvious there. However, I had become so skilled at computers that I had uncovered deleted internet history.

One night after going alone to a bar, he confesses. I am somewhat relieved but he does not fully disclose. He says he’s stopped all porn since the previous year. To receive bits of the true story is a living nightmare. Each time he shares he feels relief, a burden lifted. For the wife, it is like reliving the initial discovery all over again.

We’re still together but often times we barely speak. Things will trigger me and he will say with annoyance ‘you need to stop bringing up the past and focus on the present.’ But what if his past is my present? He was well aware of his addiction but it was still news to me. The icing on the cake was when I found out he was frequenting adult boutiques and watching porn in the viewing booths. I used to think of those places as comical- like who actually goes there? I read some reviews of the place he went and the mental images infuriated while saddening me. I hate that he went there. I hate that he lost the WEDDING RING I gave him there. He admitted to taking it off before going in. I always wonder if he meant to look like a single man for a reason. I always wonder if he physically cheated.

I wrote a lot but needed to get things off my chest. It’s rare to find a friend who really gets it. The anxiety. The PTSD. The inability to believe that ‘boys will be boys’ and that porn is ‘normal’.

Right now I’m really struggling with my self-esteem. I had a baby in August and I’m still completely out of shape. He rarely initiates sex and only when and we will go long periods without having it. He doesn’t tell me I’m beautiful or catch my glance across the room at a party like he used to. Porn has become his idol and he is selfish, accusatory, and distant from me. He says he’s stopped but I don’t believe him. It’s said that porn addiction is processed the same as cheating but often more damaging. Instead of meeting real women, your husband has basically brought hundreds, even thousands, into your bed and his thoughts. I obsess over what he thinks about when we are intimate. I don’t know what will happen with us but I think I’ll always wonder if he thinks I’m enough. Despite the fact that research says that it is never the wife’s fault, I can’t help but feel less than and wish my husband chose me. We have both agreed that if it wasn’t for our kids we wouldn’t have stayed together.

I wrote a novel and it hasn’t even skimmed the surface of pain. The Sink might never go away.

Lack of respect
by: Anonymous

I don't seem to find anyone who shares my hell---my husband is also addicted to porn, however, it only makes him want to have sex all the time, and then he belittles me that I don't do it like the porn shows---While in the middle of sex--- there is absolutely no lovemaking or equal satisfaction. It is just me servicing him-- and he constantly criticizes how he would prefer this or that, that I am too weak of a woman because I let him get away with this or that. Once I was so sweaty from cleaning all day, and then I discovered he had been watching porn all day, he announced he wanted sex and now--then proceeded to criticize the look on my face--which I am sure showed absolute horror and disgust--yet he still turned it around that I should feel honored that my husband wanted me to service him----how the hell do I get out of this??? I seriously NEVER want to have sex again--but I am also 63, retired, and everything that we own is in his name--married only 6 years, and he has everything changed to his name only, and hides all financial stuff--- dude totally screwed me

Can't get an answer in Therapy?
by: Anonymous

Where to begin? The question is, does the content of porn matter? I found my 63 yr. old husband watching teenage girls and incest seemed to be a big interest for him. He's very introverted and I had no idea he was addicted to porn or even liked it? I found it on his computer. We have been together for 10 years. Sex never was good with him, but I just thought he was shy and very Christian and inexperienced. I thought I scared him as I am not shy and very comfortable sexually. There was no sex after the 1st 6 months. I felt he just had a physical problem. He is 8 years older than me. The rest of our life was pretty good. I'm very social, worked had my women group great friends, huge family. 7 years in I had breast cancer. It left me disabled to work from chemo and radiation. He received a promotion so I moved with him.

He was emotionally abusive and as soon as we moved it started. I discovered his Extreme porn addiction and that he had been this way for over 50 years! I only know that as it came out in therapy. He is also a compulsive liar, not just about porn, but about everything and told the therapist this in front of me. Said he had been all his life. WOW was I in shock? We went to therapy the day after porn discovery as he begged me to stay. She said I had PTSD. I soon found out he was masturbating to women he worked with, his friend’s wives, and my friends.

My security and self-esteem went right to hell. It was already rough after breast cancer. I used to feel very confident in the way I looked. The Therapist had him get a new computer when we started and told him to make sure the old 1 was wiped. I have another old one hidden. Why do they do that? What if he has child porn on it? I'm more upset a year later that he masturbates to the innocent woman at his office. The young girls would be so disgusted to know after they have had a meeting with him at work. Also, the men who view him as a friend. Their wives and daughters. I feel he may have targeted me in the beginning because I had young girls? I know he is too afraid of real women to act. Maybe? It does escalate and did make it into his workplace.

He doesn't enjoy sex except with a picture and masturbation. But when to keep silent? To my friends, his friend his work? I was really worried he was grooming a very young woman he worked with. He did have an emotional crush on her and admitted in therapy he would masturbate after she left his office. This to me is abuse of power. I caught him masturbating to 1 of my best friends. HIS best friend’s wife. I asked why he would disrespect his best friend. He said he did this to all his friend’s wives and daughters (he looks them up on FB.) They are not even sexual pictures of these people. He said his friend’s wife was because he was really mad at her. I knew he didn’t like her. That was way scarier than if he'd have said because I think she's hot!

He is weird about his mother in a hateful way. He hates women and obviously wants to punish them by pretending to abuse them sexually! He talks down to his mother. I hate it. He was single for 19 years when I met him. He was great to my family and to me except sex. But the rest was enough until we moved away from all my family and friends. I could tell soon that he resented me not bringing home money. Our therapist told him he was an emotional bully. I'm done with the relationship and we are just wrapping up final paperwork. Since he brought me here we bought a home. A cohabitation agreement was suggested by Therapist for my protection, IT is he will keep paying for my living expenses and when we sell I will receive 70% percent of profit. He did empty my savings account without me knowing. He will do this because he doesn’t want anyone to know about his porn work issue and that he took advantage of a woman with cancer.

Our counselor told me after a few sessions that he more than likely would not be able to ever stop. So I could accept it or move on. Then later, as I found out more, was worried and told me to plan. She felt he could kill me in a rage. He has never hit me. But he hates me because I now know what he does at work. He has an extra phone now for his porn. I feel obligated to protect the people at his work and I do have proof. But if I did that he will lose his job and who will take care of me?

After I caught him looking at his friends’ wife he quit calling his friend out of shame. His friend kept calling me, asking why he hadn't heard from my husband. I made up excuses for 6 months. I knew his friend’s feelings were hurt. We were supposed to retire in Texas with them. I finally decided I didn't do this. They are still MY friends. I told her the truth. It was hard as I love them both. He just doesn't value anything except himself and job.

I went through fear and deep suicidal depression, not over him, but allowing this into my family and fear of nowhere to live or job. I have it figured out now. I thought how is someone so cruel to one that has cancer? I learned he wanted to look normal with a family and have someone cook and clean and wait on him. This he will say now is partly true. He just didn't want to be alone anymore after 19 years. I talked to his ex-wife after I found out about the porn. She said yes, that is also why they are divorced. I asked her if she felt her daughter could have been molested by him, as I found that his choice of porn was a lot of incest and VERY young girls. She said no, that their daughter had been questioned before. She is a 38 year old woman now who has all the behaviors of a molested child. He has no relationship with her. He hasn't spoken to her in over 3 years now. He never tries to see her when we go there 2 times a year.

I feel like I will never trust again. I had a great dating life before I settled down for this disaster. I hope I'll find who I used to be, because she was beautiful and fun. It's going to take a while. I wish I would just go on a date to feel attractive again. I just can't. Breast cancer and a partner that's porn-addicted are real self-esteem killers! Boy my life has changed in 3 years. I fought so hard to live. But do not know how anymore. I know no one here where I live. I haven't a job. I did join the YMCA and bought a lamb and 2 goats! Lol. I do have a little Weiner dog that has been with me all the way! I love and miss people. This was a great way to tell my story. Please give thoughts on things I asked. I would appreciate it. Especially does what kind of content they prefer matter? Like incest? Like teen girls. He is 63.
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I didn't beat Porn
by: Love>Money

I don't think I ever want to get married again. Doesn't seem like there are any men who actually care about their wife's heart. It sounds like lying is the "highest" effort they go to protect it. I can't even imagine a man holding my hand without it just being to cover up his interest in other women. Respectful women seem like they get the cold treatment the most. I don't want to lock myself for life with someone who is just seeing how many other women he can have.

It doesn't ever get better.
by: Anonymous

I've been dealing with this porn issue for 28 years and it has never gotten better. We had counseling and it looked like it was my fault and in my head. Now that he has retired, it has gotten worse. Yesterday, I notice an email address from a woman that I had seen a couple of years ago (I had deleted it back then). Now this email address had a G Pay button at the bottom, so I guess he has been paying for chats and video chats for some time now. Every time I find something, he blames it on someone else. There is no one else here. Then, he goes into the yelling, blaming me and telling me how good he's been to me as if that is going to make a difference.

I am retired now and hate to give up my beautiful home. We had just purchased it a couple of years ago. But, do I want to live in a nice home with someone I hate or leave and have nothing? I've got to get the courage to leave. I came from an abusive first marriage with broken bones. He had the porn problem too. After my disastrous first marriage, I had waited 10 years to remarry.

And now I've got to leave for how my current husband makes me feel. Early on in our marriage, he put a sheet over my head and choked me. He got into a lot of porn when I had gone on a business trip in my new job. Needless to say, I've had to quit many jobs because I could not deal with my husband's porn problems and continue to do my job. This stuff destroys a woman and I don't care what your confidence level was.

I'm done and will make arrangements to see an attorney soon. All I want now is to be free from porn. I don't care if I ever marry again. I have always loved sex and for the last 15 years --nothing. I'm done. But I want to state that this problem only gets worse as time goes on.

Need to talk
by: Anonymous

Would love to speak with someone in regards to this . I really need to talk to someone who has gotten through this!!

Give him the boot!
by: WasteNoTime

Hmm… I too was going to be the one that had to leave. Then, after his latest string of BS antics, any respect or trust I had for my now ex-fiancé was quietly snuffed out of existence.

A huge rift was caused by the discovery of his lies and appalling behavior a year ago. This was followed by his downward spiral of outrageous behavior. I finally forced myself to view my ridiculous situation objectively, as an observer. What I saw was laughably insane!!

What would I tell a beloved friend if she were me? I’d say, "He must be making massive bank to make that BS you put up with remotely worth it". My very recent ex is not making massive bank.

Don’t waste time on someone who makes you feel like crap as often as possible! He won’t change and YOU WON’T LIVE FOREVER!!!

Taking the emotional, ‘"But I love him" aspect out of the equation really helps level the ground. You don’t love him, you love the facade he presented. He couldn’t help but show his colors eventually. You can’t love something that doesn’t exist. He doesn’t love you. If he did, he wouldn’t lie to you, especially about something he knows affects you deeply. He would not hurt you over and over and over. He would share intimate behavior only with you and you would be his fire. He would share, not sneak and hide. He would build you up, he would show affection all the time.

Make him move out, then clean and redecorate your home, get a Roomie if needed.

Be with someone who makes you feel good 99.9% of the time. Get rid of the guy whose methods of dealing with pain are selfish and hurtful and offensive. Instead find a guy who is emotionally mature and confident enough to share his pain with you, or at least deal with it in a way you find acceptable.

YOU ARE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER. DONT WASTE TIME.

It’s a constant battle between should I stay or should I go?
by: Anonymous

After living with a mother who was addicted to Heroin then going through foster home after foster home, addiction isn’t new to me, but the porn addiction is when it comes to my significant other. He convinced me to move to another state. This where his support system is (family) is and he told me if we moved, I could get the job I want and play sports. He told me that it’ll all stop (the porn) because his being happier will help him fix this problem...

So I took that leap of faith, giving him everything he wanted to get better. And now here I sit crying and constantly thinking about what he’s doing throughout the day and knowing not a thing has changed. I feel so stupid and all I can think about is leaving because I don’t want his problem to become my problem and start affecting my everyday routine. It’s hard not to become angry, not to want to leave because not only have I been lied to once, twice, three but four times. I’ve become numb and everything that comes out of his mouth I could honestly care less about. We no longer have a relationship but instead are just two people who have learned to just exist around one another. When is enough support enough until it’s time to leave?

Lost him after 15+ years together
by: Anonymous

I’m in tears as I read these posts from all the ones going through the pain of losing their relationship or who have lost a marriage. I just first want to say, ladies, you are not alone! Please find a support group or confide in someone who can be there for you. I know that's going to be my only way out of this. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 20 years. I know he loves & cares for me and I feel the same way about him.

I also am able to see that it's not just him being a perverted-no-good-man because I know in his heart he is a good man. But as problems arise (which they always do because no relationship can be real without issues), a man may feel pain like we’re feeling right now. It’s like his manhood takes a hit and makes him feel like less of a man in front of the woman he loves. And hurts him to his very soul, where he seems to understand and finds his manhood; like his solid ground has suddenly been knocked out from under him.

He may be unable to regain his sense of self and then seeks to find it in the only way most men have been shown and taught to be a man, by "winning over a woman". I have seen this change happen before my eyes as I'm going through it. I know what is going on, but I don't believe for one minute that my boyfriend is a sick, bad, or disgusting man. He's basically a good person. I cannot make him out to be something he's not, just because he needed something to take away his pain.

It also doesn't mean I have to accept what he has been doing or stay with him because I feel he’s a good man. That's not what I AM saying. I believe I AM at the point of no return for our relationship. I love him more than anything and I don't have anyone else (no kids or family). But I do have a tiny bit of God and enough of my heart left to bring me out of this. And I will always have that to get me out of anything. It's going to be so hard, but I do understand I have to forgive and accept what's done is done.

Don't hate… it will get you nowhere. Forgive and show the person you loved that they do matter to you. You never know, it may just change their whole life around. And that's something to feel good about, whether they deserve your forgiveness or not. In God's eyes that what we are here to do. I hope every one of you ladies can believe you are not alone; just look up and ask for help and strength… you are not alone
💖

My friend checked her husband's credit report...secret credit cards
by: Anonymous

I don't think this is even legal to do, but my friend noticed their savings balance decreasing and eventually ran a credit check on both of them to try to understand their finances. She was shocked to find credit cards on his report that she was unaware of. She confronted him and threatened divorce if he didn't allow her to view the online statements. It took months to get him to allow her access, she even consulted a divorce attorney.

You see what's coming. Thousands of dollars spent on webcam porn and thousands in cash advances were on these cards. She never did discover where he spent the cash, but had a gut feeling he'd used it seeing other women or even on prostitutes or strippers.

They'd been married 23 years at this point with 3 teenaged kids. There;s more to the story but it'd take hours to type. She divorced him 2 years ago and seems to be doing really well now. I never knew how lonely she was in that marriage until she opened up during the divorce. I thank God she discovered it and was able to get off a sinking ship and start a new life.




It only gets worse...I hate to say it
by: Anonymous

I'm reading posts from people who suffered 30 years & those who suffered 2 years. You are the lucky one if you haven't spent almost half your life committed to a porn addict.

Read up on it & the chances of recovery. I hated to read it myself. Chances aren't good that he'll recover even with help. As he spirals out of control, he will disregard you more and more. He will lie as that's what addicts do. They are in pain & ashamed, so they lie. Next, he won't be able to perform in the bedroom. Men are terribly embarrassed when this happens, so he'll resort to more porn and avoid failure to get an erection with you more and more. When you're heartbroken and want to know why he avoids sex with you, he'll do the only thing he can do to protect himself and shift the blame...he'll tell you it's you.

It's heartbreaking. The loving, doting man you committed your life to becomes a stranger. He probably convinces you that you're too fat, busy, demanding in bed, not exciting, selfish, crazy, insecure, unfeminine, a bad housekeeper ... You get it. It's now mental abuse called gaslighting. If you stay, you start to believe it and your self-esteem sinks lower & lower. Now you've lost the strength to leave.

You tell yourself it's only porn. He eventually loses the ability to get an erection with porn, then resorts to spending thousands on live web-cam girls. When this stops working, you're "lucky" if he just has affairs. Many times they resort to prostitutes and unsafe sex.

At what point do you save yourself and leave? At 2 years? 5? 30? What you are finding is only the tip of the iceberg. These guys become master manipulators & spend a lot of time securing their activities. READ the stories above. Hear what happens to every one of these ladies. I didn't hear one of them say it's been 10 years and there's no sign of relapse.

Every one of us only has one life. Is this how you want to live it? Don't be in denial, don't be hopeful, and don’t lose years you'll never get back. You will once again love, laugh, enjoy your body and be bff's with someone else who will value your commitment and bond. Sounds impossible I know, but after you grieve the loss and look back in hindsight, you'll be SO HAPPY to be far away from it.

If you have children together, they need protection from this behavior. Being in a sick household with a dad obsessed with porn is destructive. Most of all, run far away from this for yourself. You matter!

26 years of marriage and husband is still addicted
by: Debbie

I am going through the same thing. After 26 years of marriage, I feel like I am worthless and have no value. My husband might as well be a zombie. No communication, affection, or sex. Everything about a man eventually goes out the window and their penis turns to a weenie! I am very disappointed in the lying as though I am stupid. This is my second marriage. I don't want to hear anyone state that porn is innocent. It destroys marriages and the people in the marriage! There is nothing left to appreciate when you get older. I’m looking to sell my beautiful home and divorce my husband later in the year. There is nothing left of my marriage and I'm not going to live this way. The S.O.B that I'm married to has been playing with himself the whole 26 years --Sexless marriage. It was not right! I used to have sex five times a day until the first husband got addicted. I no longer feel like a woman.

We are enough
by: Anonymous

We need to remember that we were always enough and there is absolutely nothing wrong with us; we just happened to marry liars.

30 years and done
by: Anonymous

I met him when I was 17 and married him at 18. His addiction was discovered when I was 19. Now, 30 years later and countless attempts to be enough for him I have filed for divorce. My heart aches...because I love him so much. I went with him down his addiction for a few times to get the affection he would shower out on me. He couldn't just have his porn and fantasies, he wanted to try to live them out in real life.

I lost myself trying to make him happy. Finally, he admitted he will never quit and I will never be enough for him. I hired a detective only to find out that my husband was an expert liar... right to my face without even batting an eye. Currently, I am devastated and every time I look in the mirror I hear his voice on how I am not good enough.

He doesn't even consider his addiction as a problem...fitting since sex sells in America. As long as nobody sees bruises on my face and no signs of drugs, nobody really cares. My pain has been 30 years of mental and sexual abuse from the man I loved the most. Perhaps that makes me sick as well. I cannot take this anymore and I now know he will never change and I will never be enough.

I can’t fix him
by: Anonymous

We have been together for five years and married for two years. I found out about his porn addiction about three years ago when he stopped having sex with me. I thought he was cheating on me and so I started going through his phone. I was almost relieved at that point to find it was just porn until I started being rejected all the time. He would rather get off on that than have sex with his wife. I have never felt so ugly and disgusting in all my life. I finally confronted him three months ago and he gave me the silent treatment for two weeks straight. I confronted him again a week ago and he actually tried to accuse me of cheating on him because I started going back to church!

I am getting my ducks in a row and will be leaving him in the next couple of months. I hate the thought because I do love him but I know I’ll never be able to fix him. He doesn’t want help. I begged him to go to counseling and he won’t go. I sold everything to move in with this man and we have a beautiful blended family. The thought of that being broken just destroys me but I know I have to be strong for my kids.

This addiction is soul crushing.

They never stop
by: Anonymous

I have known him for 40 years. We got married 15 years ago. He went from watching porn to texting and interacting with the women who pimp themselves out online, some with the help of their husbands. He posted gushing compliments to them about their beauty and bodies. He posted vulgar comments about what he wanted to do with them. He would hide these sites on his computer. I would find them and he would initially lie, tell me he wasn't watching, then eventually admit a little bit at a time. He was paying for on line porn sites. He would usually find one woman that he would become attached/infatuated/in love with and check her site several times a day, tell her she was the most beautiful woman in the world with the most beautiful body.

He started to get PIED. We went to counseling and within one month he was back at it again. This time I am leaving...he says he is "serious" about quitting THIS TIME. I hope he is, but it will be without me. I'm 64, he is 68. Tough to move out on your own at my age, with little money and bad health. But I cannot live with a man who wants to have sex with other women. He is back in therapy. Hope it works for him, but I seriously doubt it will. I am placing myself and my mental health first. I no longer love him and find him disgusting. Never thought I would find myself in this situation at this age. I thought about staying with him and living my own life...not interacting with him, but I would read the comments he made to women and just could not stand the thought of seeing him another day. If your man is watching porn, get out as soon as you can. Get out while you are young and healthy because if you don't, you will find yourself old and it only makes it harder to make the move. Get out. Run as far away from him as you can. Never look back. You will be OK. You will be better than OK.

Help me understand the latest act of covert sexual aggression
by: Anonymous

I have been married for 12 years and with him exclusively for 23 years. We were both single parents and waited until the kids were grown to get married and invest in a home. We are both 58 years old now. Several of our adult kids have struggled in adulthood and caused stress. He lost a brother to an accident and his mother in the past few years and has been depressed.

We both still work full time and I have had more success in my career than him, which I have detected signs of professional jealousy in him but didn’t think it was a deal-breaker. So, two years ago he started sneaking on the computer. Set the history to private, changed passwords, etc. I didn’t intrude and just noted it. Well, he left his email open once and I saw the tale tell "spam" that indicated porn sites were being accessed.

I also found a prescription for Viagra, which he hid from me. I wrote it off as insecurity and possibly ED, maybe age and depression over family deaths. Then he bought a movie camera. Then sex aids. And more! Like he went crazy on this crap. Bigger and bigger. Sex became miserable for me. He first said the camera wasn’t "on" it was just for him. Later, he said the filming was just for him to watch "later". He began to care more about filming than satisfying me and sex became a miserable experience and I finally exploded and destroyed the camera and all the props.

Well, he bought another camera. It started again. I look up and there is that sinister look and that camera rolling. I am completely revealed— but never HIS face. MY face, my crotch, and all. So I said "No! Why do you keep doing this?" We argued and HE went limp! Made me feel like a real prude! So I got on his computer, which I never did out of respect. My husband has been making video "stories" where he picks up "sluts" and has used OUR marriage to illustrate the stories! What the hell is this?????

To make matters worse, he evidently downloaded some sex videos from my married daughter's phone (his stepdaughter) that she sent to her deployed spouse. He must have stolen her phone while she was asleep. He deleted a bunch of stuff but has a collection of thumb drives that he took when we split up over this shit 3 months ago.

We are separated and I am trying to figure out what to do about this. We have joint property and finances so I can’t just leave. I feel violated and don’t see how I can ever trust him again. I’m thinking he was jealous because I was more successful and made more money so he was "punishing" me. We are not speaking at all. I sent him an email explaining how this hurt me and he simply made up a big lie as an accusation to shift the blame onto me. So he is in no way coming clean or being honest.

I don’t even know what to make of this insanity! Has anyone ever seen anything like this? It’s like marital sabotage or something. He has always been very passive aggressive but this seems pathological! I am furious and sad at the same time.

Always arguing about it
by: Anonymous

My husband has been watching porn since we started dating. We have been together for 20 years and I love him dearly, but this is something we always fight over. It even got so bad he could not get it up without it. He always says he'll stop, but then he relapses. I had thought things were good but I found out that he started back since my surgery. We were advised no sex for 8 weeks after. It is now a little over 3 months and have been active, but not like before surgery. Well anyway I found out and confronted him. He said it's because I’m never in the mood and never seem interested anymore. He does still seem attracted to me but our computer history shows he's spending a lot of time line, so I know where this is heading. It's always the same and I just feel I cannot do this anymore. I had hoped I could pretend he doesn’t watch but I know I can't. I don't want to leave him but at the same time I feel like this is about all I can take. Soon I will probably grow to hate him. I hope so, then it'll be easier because I hate the way I feel. I have tried everything over the years from talking, watching it together, trying to act more like the girls on the screen do but it always ends up the same. He goes back to porn. I actually thought about killing myself just to end all the hurt but then 24 hours later I'm pissed that I should feel that way when I have done nothing wrong. Porn defiantly damages a person and everyone around them.

Needing advice
by: Anonymous

I recently caught my husband watching porn late one night while I was sick. He said he is addicted and has been for years. I told him that he needed to stay with family members for the time. He’s been hiding this for years! I am devastated, and having been raped and cheated on in the past, I don’t know what to do. He claims he wants to get help and he blames it on his addiction, like being addicted to drugs or alcohol. It is going to take years to rebuild any relationship we used to have and to get this awful picture of what he was doing out of my head if I do stay.... and a lot of counseling. But who is to say he won’t do it again like he has done before? Does anyone have any good advice as to handling this situation?

34 Years and devastated
by: Anonymous

There is really nothing I can add accept to say thank you to all who have commented. Every post has helped me to gain insight and to not feel so alone or stupid. For those of you who have left or who will leave soon, be strong. You deserve the best and you will have it because you are taking the steps to give it to yourself. And for those of you who have decided to stay and support your spouse or partner while they get help for their addiction, I wish you all the best. I have met many spouses in support groups that have stayed and their addicted spouses are sincerely doing the work to stay on the road to recovery. As for me, my husband wasn't ready to get help so I had to leave. I can't fix or control anyone. Only myself.

Thank you so much to everyone for being open enough to share a part of your story here with me.
Peace!

Worst nightmare comes true
by: Anonymous

After a 36 year marriage to a liar ended I never truly thought I'd remarry. 1.5 years later I met what I thought was a wonderful man. I did a background check, I scoured his computer, found nothing. He wanted to get married and I said give it at least 3 years. We married and 4 months later I went to use his computer and it was logged into a porn website. I spent the day going through the history, his payments and online chats with these dirty, disgusting Filipino women went back 8 years +. He tried to lie but I had copied everything and changed his password so he could not delete anything. He has had relapses, he’s confessed to now he fears divorce so he just lies. I believe I will get divorced. This addiction accompanies masturbation addiction & maybe sex addiction etc.

Breast cancer survivor
by: Anonymous

I had my suspicions about my husband. So one day when he pretended to go to the store the same time I pretended to leave early. I went up the road a little way and turned around. By then he called saying he had made it home cause the make-believe store was closed. I didn't tell him I was coming home. When I finally made it back I was shaking. I knew what he was doing. I could sense him lying. Well, I walk in and he's watching porn. I got back too early for him to actually do anything. But he knew I was aware of what he did. We argued, he lied and then finally confessed. He stopped for over 2 months, but on the first day back to work I check his phone and he did it again. He knew how much it hurt and did it anyway. I’m so close to a divorce. I told him if he keeps it up I’m gone.

It will always be your fault
by: Anonymous

No matter what you do it will always be your fault. 34 years of marriage and I was made to feel like I was crazy. These guys are not real men; a real man is supposed to build up his wife and respect her, not lie and disrespect her. It’s the typical thing, they are thinking with their little head instead of their big head and we all know that when you chose to do that it makes you stupid. Men will never really truly know what it is to give unconditional love. But what they will do to you is wreck you emotionally, mess with your self-esteem, they will jack with you till your emotionally a f’d up mess so that they can manipulate everything. So for someone who has lived with a liar, remember once a liar always a liar. So instead of focusing on this piece of trash, I started focusing on myself (since all he knew was how to be selfish). I decided to be a little selfish and I started to walk, which has now turned into hiking. I have lost a whole other person and I’m now feeling so much better about myself. But one of the best things, I see him for who he is now… a pathetic storyteller (who by the way can’t even get it up, which by the way was always my fault just like every other excuse). Karma is a bitch!

porn and lies
by: Anonymous

I need advice. My husband is constantly telling me how beautiful I am and how much he is in love with me, but there has not been much action in the bedroom. He claims it’s a testosterone problem so I believed him. It turns out he watches porn everyday even at work. I went to visit my daughter for a few weeks and his addiction is getting worse. He has no problem masturbating to porn but he can’t make love to me. I think he has a Facebook account and another email. He lies and yells at me and tells me I am making stuff up in my head. I found on his feed how to watch porn without a trace but I see his feed anyways as he has google and it tracks all he says. I even heard it masturbating and watching porn. I guess he didn’t know the phone was recording him and it wasn’t me, it’s a feature he has on his phone. He sets his alarm to a certain time while I am asleep and he has become more aggressive and has a short fuse. He was never like that. He denies everything. If I bring it up he yells at me and tells me I am making things up in my head. I don’t know what to do but I am not happy. I don’t like secrets. Everything has different passwords and he lies a lot. I had him listen to it and he tore me apart calling me all kinds of names.

It never goes
by: Heart Broken M

After 6 years with a man that I truly loved, I am now tired of it all. I found out 4 years ago that he had a porn addiction. He said he would stop, but instead he become smarter about hiding it. When I went to work, he would do porn all day, yes that’s right from 6am to 4 pm every day. It has been the worst experience of my life and has destroyed me. When I suspected he was doing it again, I put on spy ware to see what was going on and that was the biggest shock ever. He was this man I loved looking at teenagers and younger, and I had no idea what to do. After much talking and seeing a therapist, I knew I had to walk away because it never gets better. My advice is leave the moment you find out. If you’re not sure put spy ware on the computer or phone and see the true picture before it’s too late.

I think you either missed the point or are in denial.
by: Anonymous

No, not every man looks at porn. Not every man who looks at porn is an addict. That is akin to saying everyone who enjoys the occasional cocktail is an alcoholic. The basis for addiction is deceptive practices. Emotional abandonment. Withholding intimacy. Less time spent with family friends and doing things you used to do simply to carve out time to act out. If you have difficulty understanding this perhaps you should educate yourself. I will only speak for myself. I now have a very broad understanding of this widespread problem because I felt the need to understand this issue. I can also tell you my ex thought he could handle "it" on his own. He was forced to seek help by the court. I wish you the best. Educate yourself and heal.

One of them
by: one of them

Try combating the source. The sex industry, not your husband. I'm this day and age. Every man looks at porn. Sorry. Its a real struggle for men. Every man.

Doesn’t get that it’s a selfish act
by: Anonymous

He says he has stopped but it’s very hard to believe anything he says now since he’s been lying about it for over 30 years. He still doesn’t think he did anything wrong in our marriage; talk about being selfish stubborn and hardheaded. It feels like I’ve had an arrangement, not a commitment. I’m struggling emotionally. I’ve been faithful throughout the years as our sex life diminished and intimacy vanished. I’m starved for affection and love.

Engaged... well we were
by: Anonymous

I was engaged with a loving, affectionate man who did everything to show me love and support.

But, I discovered that he is a porn addict. Since he was old enough for the nightlife, he spent many years going to strippers, hiring prostitutes, and going to isolated places for orgies. Pretending that he is an introvert, alone and working at hours that didn't allow to build a social network.

When we met he stopped, saying that he doesn't see these women while in a relationship. But he never stopped porn. He said many times that a self-confident woman would be able to live with it, and even to enjoy it with him. I was horrified. He is an addict, and despite he sees the disaster it created in our relationship, he doesn't believe he will get rid of it soon. "Matter of years" he said.

I made the decision to leave him, knowing that the trust is broken and that I don't want to catch him again on this in the future.

34 years and he still lies about it
by: Anonymous

I my life and marriage has all been a big lie. How does one recover from something so traumatic? It really sucks living in a world where most woman will do anything for a dollar. What happened to having self-respect and knowing that we are all different and special and that our bodies are for the eyes of only your spouse? But that doesn’t go both ways because we’re living in a world where men think they’re entitled to see every woman naked, which is BS. You say your vows to forsake all others. What a joke. There are too many woman out there with low self-esteem, no morals and no values. All they’re doing is fueling the flame. Women will never be treated with respect while there are those type of women walking amongst us. We women, mothers and daughters need to stop watching all the media sluts, turn off the TV and stop following them. We also need to get back to empowering each other and stop trying to outdo each other and never forget men are dogs stop feeding them.

Have hope (from an addict)
by: Anonymous

Have hope. Unfortunately, men are stubborn. I denied the absurd idea that I could be addicted to porn. I got my degree in molecular biology and have learned to do research. My fiancé was the first to find the issue in our relationship. I couldn't fathom the idea that watching something on my phone could separate us. I am now feeling ignorant and ashamed.

Porn fires of various pathways in the brain and begins to use the part of your brain involved in instant gratification. It's the same process as drugs. It is an addiction. Not only that, it will make a man lose his affection and even his happiness... because it is an addiction.

For the men out there reading this, take the time to just Google what a porn addiction does to the brain. If you want to be happy and you truly want to be with the love of your life, do this or you will lose everything.

For the women, try to help them understand and be prepared for stubbornness. It is the same process as a drug addiction, no matter if they do it once a week or once a year it still causes the same response. But have hope. Coming from a man who doesn't want to lose the love of his life. That man you love is still there but he has to learn on his own what he is truly doing to his brain.

Something has to change!!
by: Michael

Reading all of these posts about confrontation, disgust about these men, and everyone running away. Ugh... Where is the empathy, compassion, and the desire to help these sick men get the help that they desperately need?? I was addicted to masturbation and porn and lied about it for 30 years. I was never abused or exposed to sex at a young age. I never learned or figured out how to deal with feelings or emotions and was so afraid of being rejected self-gratification became what gave me my release starting at age 12, before I even had a clue except it felt good. Years of this acting out warped my reality of what I was doing and it all became normal in my mind. A year and a half ago I was finally able to admit who I really am, the freedom is amazing. After admitting, researching, therapy, and reconnecting with God I am able to recognize the truth of what I was doing. Unfortunately, because of how much my wife of 15 years was deceived she was unable to stay with me. I now really struggle daily learning to deal with actual rejection luckily I have God, support by caring men, and tools to help me recognize my emotions and rejection and respond in a healthy way in order to stay away from porn and masturbating. Porn jacks with our brains before we know it. It takes a minimum of 90 days of staying away from any sexual stimuli before the brain begins to heal. IT CAN BE DONE!! We really need support. Most of us men do not realize the pain we are causing our significant others or ourselves. It is not because we don't care it is the fact that we are sooo lost. Please find a way to get us help, WHATEVER it takes. I hope that I can save at least one marriage, because I am tired of seeing so many destroyed. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE STOP leaving us when we need you the most and find a way to lead us to freedom. We must stop leaving our wounded to die and start rushing to their aid if we want to be able to beat the porn industry and stop divorce.

Liars and Weak
by: Anonymous

Men who indulge in internet porn on a regular and obsessive basis are weak and selfish excuses for human beings. They pretend to be helpless to control themselves, then claim it's turned into an addiction. Bull! They made a choice, and that choice was not for their wife or girlfriend. As if their significant other never had an opportunity to cheat on them yet resisted the impulse! Lies, that's all these losers know. They swear they won't do it again, as they bide their time, hoping you'll trust them and never check up on them again. When the obvious presents itself yet again, the clues you recognize from their past use and deceptive cover-ups, you try to convince yourself you are being paranoid. It simply could not be! These self-centered, hedonistic men are only too happy to validate your seeming paranoia by telling you it is all in your imagination. "Gaslighting" is their specialty. Ladies, if you are not already married to this lying loser, run now while you have the chance. If you are unfortunate enough to be married to them, disregard their litany of lies and promises. Run like hell! That's what divorce lawyers are for.

Similar story
by: Anonymous

I am 28 year old and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I never really cared either way for porn and have even watched it myself in the past, I felt neutral about it before this relationship. Then I slowly started seeing websites open on his phone and still didn't care or think much of it. Then one day I was on our computer (shared) and in the browser history there were ads for Craigslist "connections and personals" section. Turns out he had been responding to personal ads, sending body pictures and I found out he was a member of multiple dating sties and would message girls. Well he told me he didn't need that crap and was "just looking ". I didn't see anything else like that as far as personals and Craigslist ads for a long time so I thought that was just nonsense in the beginning of the relationship.

Well it turns out he has continued to view porn this entire time. We have had countless fights, broken promises time and time again of quitting, discussions of addiction and everything under the sun. I developed severe anxiety, never wanting to leave the house because of this, and when I do leave for school (I’m a college student) I feel anxious the whole time I'm gone. I rush to get home and never go out with friends or do anything really because I feel like I always have to be at home. We just moved into a home together and had it all remodeled. I stupidly wanted a fresh start here but I should have known that these behaviors continue no matter where we are at. Last night I came home early from class and go into our bedroom. He was in the bathroom but his phone was lying on the bed. I turn it on and right away an open tab with porn on it, right there.

He has a 7 year old boy, as well that I am a stepmother to full time, so I have a full plate. I have a hard time concentrating on my studies and was just accepted into university to begin my bachelor's program. I should be excited and focused on that but all I can think about is if my boyfriend is watching porn behind my back every time I leave the house. I feel gross and unattractive and my self Esteem has hit an all-time low. We were actually doing really good for a few months, I didn’t feel like he was watching porn (I don't actually know that but everything just felt so normal and different in a good way) I was finally gaining self-confidence and feeling genuinely happy which had been a long time since I have felt truly at peace. Then last night happened and it's like the rug has been pulled out from under me and I'm back to this cycle of self-hatred and anxiety. I struggle to sleep at night as well and have bad dreams about infidelity. I'm too young to be this stressed out 24-7. I can't don't this anymore.

We are one of many
by: Catherine

I spent an unfortunate three hours looking at porn the other night to cement what I know of pornography. I cried, I gagged and I felt for all who have been hurt by this dehumanizing behavior.

I have had two broken marriages, both ending because of porn addiction.

Each time our porn-addicted husband's click on this they are fueling the industry, which is bad enough, but they are also fueling child pornography. They are fueling violence against women and children. They are fueling sex-trafficking. And the list goes on.

And it sucks that the person on the receiving end wants more than anything to have a great marriage based on love, respect and intimacy. All of which is lost in the world of porn.

I hope our world changes and our men can once again be good men, the men that we need and the men that our children need.

Punch your fist in the air to know that you are part of a group of women who care and who realize that porn destroys.

All the best. Take care of yourself. We are one of many! xo

Dishonesty
by: Anonymous

I knew that my husband had struggled with porn in his past, but was naive and really wanted to believe it was kicked for good. I even asked him multiple times before getting married. Fast forward post-partum with our only kid. He started acting like he would die of no sex. Mind you, even if I did want to, I couldn't because I was still healing from the birth. I started feeling objectified and was going through major post-partum depression. He started not wanting to come home and started ignoring some of my calls (this guy usually always answers his phone). He started getting vague about work and was being scolded at work for not doing his work. Well found out months later why. He was masturbating to porn at work for who knows how many hours. I wouldn't have even found out. But I was going to counseling and brought up past trust issues and that he did have a past struggle with it. So, my counselor suggested asking him about it. She was thinking more like, he would reassure me and then our marriage could be stronger. Ha, that would have been really nice. But nope, he did say no, but I got this sinking feeling and when he didn't even look me in the eyes. I kept asking and he kept lying until barely more than a whisper he admitted it. I felt so hurt and betrayed. No wonder something felt so off and he was objectifying me...now we don't have sex nearly as much and when we do, it's usually me making the effort and I can't help but wonder if his mind is on those girls the whole time. The thing is, I have a higher libido for a woman and I desire the closeness. But it feels empty. It's been 2 years since I found out. I have an accountability app on his phone and told him that he needs to go to an accountable group. He sometimes goes and I want to believe that he's not just making up excuses for when he doesn't go. When things pop up, he claims it's an accident... and I can't believe him. But I want to because we use to be so happy together. Other than this addiction, he's a pretty good guy. But can I live like this, wondering when the next relapse will happen? If he will ever overcome this? If he will even be honest with me if he's tempted? Will there ever be healing? Will the pain ever go away?

Been Gaslighted Too Long
by: Anonymous

Get out if you can. If your man is addicted to porn, he likely has emotional problems and your relationship will continue to get more toxic then you'll both be sick. I could have written many of these posts myself - I've been through so many of these scenarios and felt all the same feelings that have been expressed here. Do not let his selfish, narcissistic and dirty habit rob you of your youth, beauty, sanity, self-respect and self-esteem for one more day. And don't, for one minute, believe that it is you that has the problem or that you're imagining things. That's called being gas-lighted. Your heart won't lie to you - if you sense it and having a knowing, you need no more "proof". Stop looking for it and trust your God-given intuition. Oh, and run. Run far.

I don't know if he's even telling the truth anymore
by: Anonymous

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I told him how I felt about porn a few months shortly after dating. He then made a promise to me he would never look at it again. I don't like porn for personal past reasons. I've been sexually abused and I’m very self-conscious. Anyways, I recently found out he lied to me that entire year. Not because he told me, but because I found out on my own. He's lied to me about everything about it. I have ptsd, and when I found out last year my heart was absolutely shattered. Since then he has told me he has stopped, I have checked website history and his cookies and can't find anything. He said he didn't know how to delete the cookies. But I don't believe him. My problem is he has lied to me and hurt me for so long that I don't know if he's even telling the truth anymore.

Faked illness to watch porn
by: Anonymous

My husband is addicted to porn and I'm stuck in the marriage. We've been married 12 years, and have not had sex in 11 years. The last time we had sex was when our 10 year old twins were conceived. I had a rough pregnancy and was on pelvic rest nearly the entire duration. After the kids were born I made passes at my husband several times/ week for at least 3 years. He turned me down every time. Some excuses were that he didn't want me to get pregnant again, so I tried 2 different IUDs with terrible side effects, oral birth control, and I bought him an extra-large box of confines for Christmas one year. They were never used.

Over the last 6 months or so, my husband started claiming near-daily migraine headaches. He would come home from work, lie down in bed, and I would let him rest in privacy. I walked in on him masturbating to porn on his phone approximately 1 month ago. I didn’t say anything, because I was so hurt. The next day when he came home from work with a migraine I realized he was doing it again. I then decided to enable parental controls on his phone, but since I do not know his phones password I had to wait until he left his phone unattended and unlocked. I was able to enable parental controls about 3 weeks ago. Miraculously, his daily migraines stopped after 2 "false alarm" headaches, where he claimed a migraine was setting in, but as soon as he laid down with his phone and was unable to watch porn his headaches magically went away. He hasn't had a single migraine since then. I'm devastated. I don't understand why he prefers this fake world to real me, who is desperate for some affection.

I've been a homemaker since I became pregnant, and I have no money of my own. I can't afford to leave him. I'm trying to get back into the workforce so I can eventually leave, but it is very difficult. And how can I stand to live with him in the meantime?

God
by: Amy

I now believe that only God can save my husband. I have gone to therapy, I have recorded him, I have videotaped him, and I have looked at his underwear. He is terribly shameful and carries that around with him everywhere. He believes he is less of a person because of his shame. I saw an amazing film called The Heart of a Man. It is my belief these men have been abused in some way and until they hit rock bottom, nothing will change except for a deeper concentration on hiding the shame. My husband is dark and he is needy and he is looking for validation through other woman, through building an ego so big others will see a strong powerful man instead of the weak, insecure, and shameful 6 year old he never developed properly. His parents abused him.....he was given no praise...and I suffer because of his parents lack of responsibility. I say pray, get in the word, and give it over to God. If you have no faith.....divorce.

Three strikes he is out.
by: Anonymous

My soon to be ex-husband is a porn addict. He will not change even after countless times of telling me that he would. It destroyed his business, our marriage and my ability to trust. Each time he got caught he just got better at hiding it and seeking it out. We were together nearly 25 years and married for almost 23 years when the final straw came. Four years ago he allowed me to put a parental control on his work computer and we agreed on no internet at home, but he was so sick he went and sourced it in his brother’s office on the general work computer. He is so sick and so caught up in his lies and deceit, that he does not see his own problem or care. He blames me and then uses this poor excuse in his head to give him a reason as to why he does it. I will never get the sick images out of my memory, the only good thing is he too suffers ED. Ladies these men will never change, don't let them take what little you have left. S

He doesn't realize the problem
by: Anonymous

I am in the "looking for lawyer" divorce phase. My spouse has always had some involvement with porn, but I did not realize until about the past 5 of 16 years how bad it had gotten. He only wants porn-style sex, which began as a "happy anniversary" thing and now is demanded every single time we enter the bedroom. Then, nothing I would do sexually was good enough anymore, it didn't look like the computer that's why! Forget intimacy or sexual acts that the woman might enjoy. Now he's at phase that he won't have regular v-j sex unless he gets his porn fix first. If I refuse, no sex period. I'm too young to live like this and I stayed for years due to the children. And ladies, whatever you do, don't try to "fix" this by becoming more like porn girls. That is like bringing home dope for an addict. It only gets worse and worse and the next thing you know he has ED anyway, and your health is permanently damaged.
The worst thing is, he feels the porn is not a problem, and that I am boring and repressed and am that way because of my "bible beating" family. Funny how none of my exs ever complained. Just him. IT DOESN'T GET BETTER WHEN THEY ARE UNWILLING TO CHANGE.

Porn Destroyed My Marriage!
by: Anonymous

I was married for 35 years before I finally had enough of my husband’s porn, young female friends, and lies! We had 2 children; a son who died 4 years ago to a very rare cancer at 37. My ex was not there for his son while he was dying! And when my son passed away, his own father was not even at the funeral home while our son was cremated. It just kills me inside the way my ex treated his own flesh and blood. We have a daughter, she’s 38 and has 3 beautiful kids. She is addicted to meth, pain pills, and Xanax! I hate addiction; it’s a beast from hell! Porn destroyed my marriage, our intimacy, and any affection that we use to have. We were high school sweethearts and he was my first love. We’ve been divorced for 8 years now and his addiction to porn only got worse after the death of our son.

Porn addiction needs to have a voice for the public to hear loud and clear! It’s a disease of the brain and definitely changes a loved one’s behavior and thinking process in a destructive path of cheating, lying, and detachment from the human race ....God bless you all for having the courage and strength to do the right thing… I still love my man but, not enough to continue in a toxic relationship with a broken heart!

I agree... but
by: Anonymous

I know that these men have done you wrong so many times. You feel betrayed, humiliated and guilty for not preventing such catastrophic behavior. However, with all due respect, these men, whom you call pigs, are also victims of an alarming addiction that is being caused by porn. Especially in the "information age" we live in! Most of us (because I also used to be addicted) are using this free and accessible escape from our realities, where we think we are wanted or safe away from the ghosts of our past- our childhood traumas. Like any other drug it changes you (psychologically and also alters the biochemistry of the brain). The addictive behavior does not end at porn, gradually it extends to any form of escapism as a coping mechanism. In conclusion, we need your help. We need to confess to our addiction. The only way to make that possible is for people to get properly informed and for everyone to show understanding and seeking help, judgement from peers only works to strengthen the addiction because a side effect of heavy porn use is deep shame! Instead of lashing out in ignorance, inform yourself and understand that you're not the only victim.

63 year old porn addict
by: Anonymous

I discovered my 63 year old husband was obsessed with porn accidently. He spent any time he had on my computer supposedly searching for jobs, getting up early in morning and going to bed all hours of the night. I was having a problem with my computer. My 28 year old daughter had a look at it and found an endless amount of horrific porn sights involving young people many under age. Guys with guys. Girls with girls and men constantly raping the same woman. My husband blamed my grandson but he wasn’t even here at the time. So my husband had to admit to it. Then he blamed me. Said he didn’t think I wanted sex, which was so untrue. He must have been like it all his life. Our wedding night was the most disappointing of my life and we go months at a time without any and then it’s only a couple of minutes. Even at my age, l long to have a normal sex life with someone I love. I have children in my care and they could have seen all the filth he didn’t bother deleting off my computer.

lies lies and more lies
by: Anonymous

Our relationship was great the first 6months. Then I found all his porn stash. I tried to be supportive and understanding and told him I didn't have an issue with the material, but what I did have an issue with was what it was doing to our relationship.

He promised me faithfully he would stop but my gut instinct would tell me different. I started to have an unhealthy obsession looking at his phone, hiding places where he thought was safe to keep his secret away from me. I always found it.

Tonight was the last straw after 6 years together and nearly 2 years of no intimacy at all I found his dad's sticky magazine collection and told him I want him out of my life. He is 52yrs and I am 47. I told him he is sick in the head and a pervert I just got so angry. I am sick of feeling used, ugly, undesirable. I am at rock bottom and the way I look at it now is, as a woman I need to try and get my meaningless life back together and try and be happy again (I haven't been happy for a long time )

While I get myself sorted he will have his secret porn stash to keep him company. Men like that will never change no matter how much you beg, plead, cry, shout and talk. It's all about them and getting off to porn that matters, not you.

I feel for you all
by: Mikey

I never had the urge or need to look at porn. That’s why I have a wife; she's all I need!

Ladies who have children quit beating yourselves up. Your children will understand why you are wanting a divorce. If you’re not happy your children are not happy! This is a woman's world; you will get full custody of your children!

Never believe or trust a porn user. They'll say and make up anything they can to get you to believe them! If he has to use porn for pleasure, then he doesn't need you in his life! If he's hiding in the bedroom or bathroom to use porn, kick him out because he doesn't deserve you! If he tells you he's watching porn to get more ideas in the bedroom, HES LYING! If he’s saying he looks at it once in a while HES LYING!

Not all men are pigs, but many are! PORN IS CHEATING, IT IS ADULTERY. Don’t fall for a cheater ladies!

Too many aliases
by: Anonymous

My porn addict hubby has only grown worse in the last 10 years. He literally has three computer, each with in excess of 400,000 images on each of them. And not just women, but other horrible images, and it goes on. He has numerous fake Facebook and twitter accounts, all loaded with porn stars and sites. He is horrible in bed. I'm horrible in bed now too. I have zero self-esteem. And he's cheated...numerous times.

It's all become too much and I'm literally on day five of leaving him. No contact, nothing. Please, I hope I can stay gone. :-(

Awful Situation
by: Anonymous

I, too, am married to a porn addict. I caught him while we were dating and made it perfectly clear that I would not accept that behavior. He confesses to using porn since high school, and asked if I'd support him if he got counseling to help him overcome the "need" for this mess. I agreed, and with much effort the issue lessened to the point of disappearing, or so I thought.

We are now three years into our marriage, and I just found that he struggled constantly for a year, then gave in. Only now, he has begun looking at photos of an ex-girlfriend, who likes to post inappropriate photos of herself online. He says he likes the "power" he had when they were together, but I can't figure out what that means. I'm sure some of it is physical attraction, though the only real difference in her body and mine is that I'm quite a bit taller (she is a couple inches under 5'), and my breasts are bigger. He says he likes that she's "public" with her body...wow.

I am certain he hasn't contacted her...but I have. She's actually quite nice and told me they broke up all those years ago because of...get this...his porn use. She was genuinely disturbed to learn why I was asking these questions. The true shock on her face let me know she had no idea what was going on, and she swore she hasn't seen him since the day they broke up 8 years ago. She is also engaged to a fantastic man. I believe her. Also, while checking husband's phone, I learned that Google Maps has been tracking his movements every day for the last year or so. I literally looked at every single map entry and he has never been anywhere near her home or job, and I didn't find any unexplained locations or addresses.

I'm at a loss as to why he need this ridiculousness. It's adolescent, and I feel like I'm married to a 14 year old disguised in a 35 year old man's body. I've consulted a divorce attorney and am debating on going forward with the process. I WANT him to grow up so we can rebuild and get past this, but I don't know if he's willing. He says he wants to, but words don’t matter anymore.

On porn addiction
by: Anonymous

Hello,

I have experienced the other end of what many of your posts describe. I have had a strong propensity for pornography since I was a young teenager.

As time has gone by pornography has changed dramatically, and I'll say, dramatically for the better. I have no idea where it will all lead to, but ultimately I think people watch it to feel something, make a connection, or to escape something. It is a lot like a drug in that way. I think part of it is adrenaline. I think physiologically for men it satisfies something deep in our brains.

Please realize most of your partners probably use porn once in a while. I'm an exception. I (now trying to quit) would do it at least twice a day and sometimes 5 times a day. It's out of control, and I'm trying to get a handle on my behavior and better understand why.

I hate that I do something so obsessively and I can't talk to my partner about it. That is my problem and I'm trying to decipher my behavior. I never was sexually abused or anything like that. I was not encouraged to be this way and I never was particularly traumatized or anything like that. I honestly can only think it's somehow wired in me. I don't think any of my friends or family members have the kind of addiction problem I have. I know I'm not normal. I'm an extreme case, but there are a lot of cases like me out there and your partner may be just as bad.

Your husband or partner is probably abnormal if he does not self-pleasure himself. So first accept it is extremely normal. And I can attest that at times in my life when I was most sexually active with very attractive women I did it as much or more. It has no bearing on how much I've loved my partners over the years.

So please don't take it as a reflection on your sexiness or beauty or attractiveness. If your partner does it, it means he likes and perhaps abuses the feeling of the sexual pursuit in the same way some people over eat or over drink or smoke too much. And you should not take it as a reflection on you at all.

I love my partner dearly, and pornography does not affect how much love her at all.

That being said, I cannot bring myself to admit to her how badly addicted I am. When we first dated I told her I had a lot of trouble resisting sex and porn, so she knows, but I hate talking about it or showing her anything related to it. I'm hoping explaining my side might be of some use. I know this is terrible. This is one of the main reasons I feel I need to quit. Not because I think pornography is bad, but because if I do something this much I should be able to be public about it. If I can't tell the most important person in my life about my behavior, then that's creepy and bad and something needs to change.

I need help
by: Anonymous

I caught my husband watching porn. I don't know what to do, I don't know if I should leave. I confronted him about it he promises not to do it again I don't know if I should believe him because in the beginning of our relationship he cheated. And he said he wouldn't do it again and he hasn't, but he ran to porn. I don't know what I should do?

Amazing to find this site
by: Anonymous

I am so grateful to find this site because I have just kicked out my husband of 23 years for his, get this, she-male porn addiction, and of course I feel so hurt and alone. And the clincher? I have been so faithful to him that I have been celibate for 22 of those years, the one year difference being the time I was pregnant with our only child. I always questioned his rejection of me and he always told me it was a medical issue, his psoriasis, or whatever, and I believed him. My vows stated in sickness and in health, and therefore I was faithful. Then a little over a year ago, I happened upon an Apple tablet we shared, though I never used it, and when I noticed the battery was low I plugged it in and porn site icon came up. I thought that was odd and when I clicked it, it was full of gay she-male porn. As I checked the history and saw all this she male porn history going back months and months and months, my hands trembled. I was devastated. I couldn't believe it. I confronted him on it and he wanted to pull me into it. What? Never...such a repulsive thing.

And stupid me, I thought I could 'cure' him, that I could help him. So I worked with him on this, daily, talking, snuggling, seducing (to no avail). That lasted nine months, then I just said, whatever. But the anger in me has been multiplying. The anger today became explosive and I hit him. And I don't want to ever feel that way again. I don't know where I stand now, but this is my story.

But, the bigger question begs to be asked: what of our youth? Once virtual holographic pornography is a reality, say goodbye to our species as we know it. If people don't see this as a real problem they really should wake up and fast. I am all for freedom of expression but when it comes to this sort of thing, some measures need to be taken. I'm sure that's not possible. But it is very, very sad.

The opposite of love is indifference
by: Anonymous

Porn addicts are indifferent to their spouses. You cannot fix them, they don't want to fix themselves. Hire an IT firm, get evidence for litigation to get your kids, threaten to expose them and get out of your marriage. Fast. The secret and lies are half the thrill for them. Porn addiction cannot be fixed. Don't believe anything they say. Get out and heal.

30 Years I have been Married to a Liar.
by: Anonymous

I realize that 30 years is a long time to believe the lies; boy am I beating myself up for it now.

Who am I really? I am a very happy person. I love life and jump in with enthusiasm. Each day is a new experience! I thought I had a great marriage...But I let him take my happiness.

I started finding porn websites, and inconsistencies in his stories about where and what he was doing. My husband would deny all the issues and problems. After I would accused him, he would change his ways long enough to subside my suspicions.

As his addiction progressed, he used verbal abuse to make me believe his lies. He would emotionally abuse me until I had complete self-doubt. I actually believed "I" was delusional. What caused the change in me...Let’s just say going to bed with my husband became awful. Each encounter worse than the one before. After another bad attempt at intimacy, I told him "I would rather be dead than be in this bed with you". So after that night I listened to my gut and starting searching the web browser history, and was not surprised by what I found. If you are reading this YOU KNOW the images all too well.

I found more evidence of his betrayal and told him not to come home. After several hours, he arrived home and admitted to his addiction. He has started counseling but I am ready to cut this liar from my life. I pretending to try... but it is over for me.

I need guidance.
by: Anonymous

I don't know what to do anymore, I am at my wits end and need advice. We have been married for 8 months and I am currently pregnant. We have only been together for 2 years and at first we were constantly having sex, taking showers together and he would light candles to set the mood. When we got married, it dwindled. On our honeymoon we had sex once and now maybe once every month or two. I decided to look on his phone, thinking I would find another girl or something, but it was just porn...I told him how it made me feel and how ugly and disgusting I was starting to feel about myself because he never tries to pursue me anymore and all he does is look at these girls on the internet. He told me he would work on us and it was because of stress or me not trying. So I started to come on to him and I got nothing. After that he did start to come on to me and I felt stupid for feeling the way I was, but then I noticed he looked at porn before each intimate time. It's gone back to not having sex and I just found more porn on his phone...I don't know what to do. I am only 26 years old and when I tell people why I'm upset they laugh...I feel like I need to leave. I feel ugly and unwanted now over this and I do not want a sex-less and unhappy marriage. I feel so degraded over these women, wishing I had what they did because of the attention he gives them and the want he has for them. Please, I need advice.

Anxiety stricken full of fear
by: Anonymous

It never gets better or easier, the lying, the cheating, the hidden messages, the porn addiction. It all sucks! Been married for 25 years to this porn driven selfish man! He never ever put me first, despite his broken promises. I so hate him but I know I have love for him too. I'm so confused and deeply fearful of leaving him, because I feel like I can't breathe if he's not around😕 It's just so bad, I don't go anywhere without him because I'm so freaking fearful. But I know for a fact that he's never going to change. I feel stuck in a loveless relationship. I thought he was faithful because we were going to a sound Christian church years back. He was involved in bible studies and men's retreat where he would hear from great pastors like John MacArthur. We went to Christian counseling; that didn't help either. 25 years and three grown kids later, he's still at it. I ask him why he has ED, he says it's his age! Yeah sure, it's his freaking self-centered ways! Aaah I feel so alone. Stuck!

The reality is its best to leave
by: 6 yrs in

I have never been a prude kind of person. I never thought porn was bad. I have always loved had a healthy sex drive and was comfortable with my sexuality and my body.

After discovering my partner was always watching porn and turning me down I figured it was me. I spent years learning to slowly hate myself. At my worst I was ashamed to leave the house because I felt so ugly. I didn't tell anyone for a long time because I was ashamed.

Well... it had nothing to do with me. For 6 years he has lied to me pretty much every day. He has stolen my phones to look for images, I have found secret devices, he has messaged trashy women, stalked normal women’s Facebook profiles for bikini shorts, and he has promised it will stop. On the anniversary of my brother’s death he was too busy to comfort me because he was online masturbating over webcam girls.

The cheeky messages he could never send me he sent them. The flirting with them. The intimacy with them. He used our toddler’s iPad to watch porn when his phone had an accountantability app. I know because he forgot to delete it and she very nearly found it.

When I was pregnant I'm pretty sure he cheated on me, when I visited family he messaged prostitutes, when I cried to him for hours (pregnant with the second one) he swore he was getting help (this has happened 100 times before) it was 4 days before he was waiting for me to fall asleep so he could watch porn again.

It. Does. Not. Get. Better....

Please don't try to help him. Leave him. And if he helps himself great. But all this will do is leave you a shell of who you were and teach your kids that women are objects to be masturbated over or lied to.

Lies, lies, lies...sociopath
by: Amy

I have been married for little over a year. He is a narcissistic and pathological liar who would rather look at porn than touch his wife. We have not been sexual since we got married. He tried 1x in Belize. He stopped and I cried. He made up an excuse but we all know he can’t continue because excessive masturbation creates ED. He now blames the lack of sex on me. I think I’m going to leave him. It's never going to change.

Less than one year in...NEED ADVICE!
by: Moosriel

I caught him watching porn when we were dating, I explained to him very thoroughly that I will not accept it, I think it’s cheating, and if he wants to watch we should end things right now. He convinced me he didn't need it and wouldn't do it again after realizing how it affect me. 9 months after our wedding I caught him again. I went on the computer to look at our photos and there it was! Turns out he never really stopped. He just got better at hiding it because he knew if I found out I would leave. I feel like now that we are married it's not so easy to just walk away. It's been 7 months since I found it and things in our marriage have gotten so bad. He has yet to take accountability for the hurt he caused, yet to try to rebuild my trust, or to prove to me that our marriage can get through this. I didn't get married to get divorced, but I'm so unhappy and I'm losing sight of what I'm even fighting for. Please help me!

Divorce is a beautiful word.
by: Anonymous

I'm divorcing my porn addicted husband after 16 years of marriage. The last 6 years of the marriage he refused to have sex at all because he preferred porn. The last time we had sex he just lay there like a wet fish. He made no noises and didn't move his body. It was a horrific sexual experience and I cried silently into the pillow afterwards. Porn addicts are really bad in bed. The best lovers are enthusiastic. Enthusiasm is something these types of addicts can never show a real life woman. I'm off to new pastures and looking forward to the future. The only regret is I should have given up on him much sooner.

Porn detaches them from seeking human connection
by: Carol from Mich.

My heart goes out to all you ladies. All these destroyed relationships, so sad and disturbing. I will not discuss my story@ this time. There is so much more us women loose in life if we stay with these type of men. Women are emotional creatures who like to feel loved, respected & adored once in a while. What about some romance once in a while? Do our porn addicts have to be nice to these women they are having sex with? Do they have to get them in the mood with some romance? Do they have to have a good conversation? Wine & dine them? Hell no, and they get to satisfy their sexual needs. No work at all. They just loose their drive to pursue you. Too much work. They just do not have to be nice to you. Little do they realize they are not getting that human connection that we need in life. If you ever want to feel special, respected loved or desired you will never get it from your porn addict. You will never be happy without that. 😔

Take a Stand
by: Anonymous

I am just currently divorced. I was married for 12 years and caught him multiple times. But just can't take the pain of catching him anymore. I have a 2yr, 5yr, and 8yr old.

Hey, They Get So Good at Lying
by: Anonymous

I'm the world's slowest procrastinator, because I've stayed in this pitiful marriage for 43 years! He has blamed me, and has ruined our marriage by using porn, abusing pain pills, and drinking. But his lies and passive aggression have made it impossible to be intimate in any manner. He won't even give me quality time together, which is my main Love Language! No, he'll never, ever change!

But guess who will? Me! Yes, at age 62 I'm walking away from a sicko with whom I had 2 kids! They're not able to launch and don't see how his addictions have affected me and them. My adult son sees nothing wrong with porn, and like dad, like son! I'm excited about my life now! I will be fine, I just lost so much precious time with that man! He is sick, but now I'm free of his lies!!!! I feel like a human being again, in just a few weeks after I left! Do not wait, ladies! You are worth much more!

Separated Because of Porn
by: Anonymous

I was married to my husband for 5 years, and with him for 10. I really have no problem with porn in general, but shortly after I got married I realized my husband's porn use was a little different than your average guy’s. For one, he was paying for it when there are a million free sites out there. I caught these charges several times throughout our marriage and found out what he was actually paying for was to video chat with someone. I felt betrayed, even a little cheated on, because our sex life was lack luster and he must have been more intimate with these women than he was capable of being with me. The last time I caught him before I chose to separate, he went through extra measures to deceive me and purchased a gift card at the store to cover what he was paying for. When I asked what the charge was, he lied about it. Finally, after two months of trying to figure out the secret, he came clean and I left. I'm heartbroken at the loss of my marriage and my husband and the life that could have been, but it wasn't fair to me to be with someone who was willing to lie to me, deceive me, and never put me first.

Why me
by: Anonymous

I’ve been married for 28 years. The very first time I caught my husband masturbating to porn ...it felt like the female was right there in our home having sex with him....I never confronted him. As the years passed, he would get up in the middle of the night just to be on these sorry sites online. Well I can go on and on, but over the years he watches porn every day and night until he goes to bed. I caught him so many times with his little medicine cups full of KY jelly so he can be unfaithful to some bit*h online. He’s a good provider and a good person and grandpa, but his porn addiction is taking away my husband and broken our vows. I feel so alone as if I don’t even exist. There is no affection (I have to make him hug me) and almost no sex (every 6 months). I know he’s not going to stop using porn.

This is not my life...I love life to the fullest...always putting God first and have prayed on it...I know in my heart and soul he’s not going to stop. I want out, but I do love him and really feel sorry for him because this is a sickness....but I’m exhausted and getting older and I have needs as a mature women of 51 years old. I am really nervous about starting over...should I discuss this with his mom before I leave him? I feel she really needs to know about her son. Why are there so many women going through this...what’s really going on?

Divorce is imminent
by: Anonymous

All the comments I've read give me zero hope of "fixing" his addiction. I've amped up the romance, the foreplay, the sexting, and for what? He's now using Pinterest and celebrity leaked photos. I even found about 30 pics of yoga pants butt shots! Is this his attempt at trying not to watch porn? I'm currently with him because I could not bear the thought of my nearly 14 year old daughter being destroyed by her father's porn addiction. I'm not sure I can do it though. For being a strong person... I sure feel weak.

Addicted from a young age
by: Anonymous

He started porn use at 15 when the internet was still dial up.

Within 3 months of marriage he started watching it whenever I was out of the house. And he wouldn't go on weekend hiking or canoe trips with me just so he could stay home and use.

He used to make me earn sex by giving him a bj every single time and it didn't bother him if we didn't have sex. So we just didn't very often because it was always all about him.

One evening he was drinking with his cousin and said he gets off better to porn. I should have left him right then and saved myself 4 more years of misery. Not only did I do all the work during sex, but he prefers porn anyway.

We separated twice over the next 7 years, and I found out he'd slept with over 18 women during our separations.

When our second daughter was born he didn't hold her. He was in the hospital for 10 minutes after she was born and told me he had to get ready for work. Later his computer was unlocked and I found out he left the hospital to go home and was Googling "live naked chat"

I also found out he'd been flirting with random friends on Facebook and going for coffee with women he'd been with in the past... while I was 7 months pregnant with our second child.

Porn is the reason I lost a husband, my husband lost a family, and my children lost a dad. He became addicted young and it destroyed everything he could have had.

I'm sick of reading people say, well, surely porn was just a symptom and it can't really be the cause of hundreds of thousands of divorces every year. If the woman says it caused her divorce because it made the relationship unsatisfying, then that's what caused the divorce.

I think she can decide for herself what is making the relationship unbearable.

The Rabbit Hole
by: Lisa S

My husband was never honest with me about his porn addiction. The subject came up when we were dating. Simply put, it was something he said he had been exposed to when he was younger. Wrong. He had been heavily involved for 25 years. He was very good at keeping his secret until escalation took him to places that will change his life forever. I begged him to get help. Threatened divorce. He lost a job he loved. He refused to get help until the day he was released for jail. He has plead guilty to two counts of child porn possession. He will be a registered sex offender for the rest of his life. The moral of this story, if your partner is unwilling to get help, this problem only escalates. Take care of yourself. We are now divorced. He is getting help. Wishes he could take everything back. This problem left unattended does not have a happy ending.

He relapsed AGAIN
by: Anonymous

Because of his porn addiction I felt I lost myself, I lost hope and belief in good in the world.

Don't know what to do.
by: G

My husband of 12 years always watches porn. He has made so many promises and even swore on our Child’s life that he would never do it again. Then I found his phone and saw he had deleted his internet history and I knew he had been watching it again. He had the nerve to call me a lie and deny it until the next morning when he admitted it to me. I've really had enough this time and don't think I can ever forgive him again. I am nearly 12 weeks pregnant and feel vulnerable already. My last pregnancy was so stressful and I'm so scared I might have problems again with this pregnancy. I feel sick that he could do this to me again and especially while I'm pregnant. I feel so unattractive and have lost all my confidence because of him. I do love him but I don't know whether I could ever let him touch me again or whether I could ever forgive him. I don't know what to do.

He prefers porn over me.
by: Victoria

Hi. I strongly believe my husband of seven months is addicted to porn. I knew he watched before we met and while we were dating. He says he ONLY watches it like twice a week. I recently grabbed his phone to google something (while he was sitting next to me), and when I opened up his browser there was like 6 porn sites open. I said I thought he was obsessed with porn but he vehemently denies it and turns it back on me calling me a weirdo and saying I'm paranoid. The only reason it really bothers me is because he does it, then lies about it or tries to cover it up, and because he never seems to want to be intimate with me. He does have sex with me but I believe it's only because he feels obligated to because he knows how physical touch and intimacy are my number one love language. I believe he would just rather watch the porn. There are many precipitating factors that lead me to believe he's addicted- just too many to spell out here. Am I just paranoid? Any advice/help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.

Divorcing a porn addict
by: Anonymous

I am currently separated from my husband who I married only on July 25 of this year. Stupid me; I had left him before because of his addiction, but he did not keep his word about not viewing it. Never, ever think someone will change because they never do! You cannot live a life of watching them and checking all the time.

Help!! What do I do.
by: Anonymous

We have 2 kids and married for 9 years now. We rarely have sex and sometimes he turns me down… If I turn him down he would get angry and leave the room. Generally speaking in front of the kids he is fine and loving. We were in counselling for the lack of intimacy and for his seasonal depression he goes though each year which left me feeling alone in my marriage… I went to personal therapy as well in which the man told me based on his behavior it wouldn't surprise him if he had an addiction to porn…. so I added a program to see what he is looking on line and found that almost every DAY/Night he will spend about 5 minutes looking at porn. How do I approach him on this without him finding out how I know???? Is there any hope for this marriage? I want to be wanted, I want intimacy and love…. worst thing about this is that I found an attraction to someone else and an affair has happened… Please give me some advice!!!!

It never ends
by: Anonymous

I was married for almost 15 years. After infidelity and a decade plus of being told his porn addiction was my fault I gave the ultimatum. He chose porn over me and his 4 kids.
I was always faithful to him, but now he is spreading lies that I cheated. He lied to the cops and got me arrested. He lied to my bosses and tried to get me fired and attempted to make me lose my accreditations.
I still have to share my kids with him since the court won't let me talk about the marriage prior the original divorce 5 years ago. I was too scared and ashamed then. The last year of our marriage became physically abusive, but I lied for him so he could keep his job. I was on crutches for a year. I never called the cops and I never told the medical people the truth because he worked at that hospital.
I'm stuck. I can't date because he lies to the court and my family about every guy who sticks around more than 6 months. I can't leave town, and have my kids too, because he put it in the divorce that the kids have to attend the local schools.
I'm screwed for the next 12 years. Ladies tell the truth and get all you can the first time. Don't leave him any ties to you, if you can!!!

Lied to and Deceived
by: Anonymous

I have just separated from my husband of three years and we will be divorcing. He was the love of my life but after being married 1 1/2 years, I discovered he was addicted to porn. We never had a normal sex life...he was always rough and distant. Now I realize why.

I have stayed with him for over a year after the discovery, hoping that he would get help. Three weeks ago I discovered him watching perverted violent videos and I decided at that moment that I could not stay in the house one more moment. I sold everything when I married him and moved into his house, so I am starting over again at 58 years of age. I cannot financially afford to be here at this stage of my life but I refuse to live with someone who disrespects me and refuses to get help. He is in complete denial.

He is going to end up a very sad, lonely old man and it is painful as we had a very good marriage otherwise.

SEVEN MONTHS LATER
by: Anonymous

Seven (7) months ago I posted my comments and let me tell you I had forgotten how miserable I was! Seeing in print makes me feel FANTASTIC because I made the right decision. I was able to move out and get my own place. Furniture and financial stress is NOTHING to the HORRIBLE existence of being without a porn-addicted, passive/aggressive jerk!

Thank you for posting my comment! Hindsight is 20/20

Mine was addicted!
by: Anonymous

I am still married. We have 2 kids and I’m currently pregnant. He is on the internet constantly… downloading pornographic/sexy images of animation girls. Watches anime movies constantly, some are pretty risqué. I asked him to stop right away. He said no, I found out I was pregnant and he doesn’t care if I stay or go. He won’t stop. He lies about the smallest things and won’t go to counseling to help. He purchased a 6' tall anime girl figures, one comes with 4 sets of interchangeable boob sizes. ... It’s sickening. We have been married 6 years and together for 7. I’ve had to deal with his internet obsession or "other women" for all this time. It’s like a slap in the face. He finds nothing wrong with it. I come from a strong Christian background. To me it’s unacceptable. We are separated now, but it’s only been a few days. It kills me inside to know I mean nothing to him… He chose this crap over me and my 2 soon to be 3 kiddos. My heart bleeds…

Lies, porn addiction and in laws from hell
by: Anonymous

One month after our honeymoon, I discovered he had a severe addiction to porn. In addition, I discovered he was a paying member of adult swingers’ site! He'd prefer to masturbate to porn than make love to his real life wife!! I was devastated, betrayed and humiliated. He was doing God knows what cybersex whilst I drifted off to sleep. His mother and twin sister were a nightmare. They were bossy, controlling, and demanding. He would always take their side and not make me a priority. I put him up in the home I had prior to marriage and he lived there rent free and mortgage free whilst he continued to support his mother’s mortgage. They had a joint property, business relationship he said. Queen mother in law did not work, but lived off her husband, son and me! I got pregnant and lost the baby. His twin sister was pregnant at the same time. She shoved her pregnant belly in her brother’s face and exclaimed look the baby kicking! Husband said I was jealous of his sister! Outrageous or what!!!

Ditto
by: Anonymous

Do you think the men we have been involved with are confused and yet have a more male side and were raised in environments that didn't allow their female side (say decorating) to live? I wonder since the person I am divorcing spent excessive amounts of money to make sure he had the biggest and “best” toys, yet freaked when I wanted a new dining room set.

I share the same story as the rest of you and could kick it up a few notches.

Get a good therapist and don't look back no matter your age or IQ :)

No way You Can Beat My Story
by: Anonymous

I lost any desire to spend my life with the man I thought was the dream of my life. Less than a month after we married, I accidently found the CD where the woman was giving him "head" for about 15 minutes. All the feelings and hopes were ruined in a matter of seconds. Later he told it was his ex-girlfriend (who was also his first love). But does it really matter when the picture of my husband and some B-TCH blowing him froze in my memory for 6 years? In all together, he is porno-addict and loves to masturbate while I am sleeping, pretending not to see what he does. I wish I could save a video of him in action to show in front of the court when he calls me unfit mother for the child I love more than anything in life.

Addiction/Abuse
by: Anonymous

This is so common now that I believe it is some sort of disorder that needs a name. These men are a combination of: manic/depressive, bi-polar and often bi-sexual. I thought I was 1 in a million until I started searching the web and found so many similar stories on various support group sites. I wish you the best with your decision.

Passive/Aggressive
by: Anonymous

WOW! After 2 weeks of being married I brought up his porn addiction. We were having no sex because he'd rather get off on porn. After several disagreements or concerns I brought to his attention he would put up the wall, sleep on couch, and not eat the food I served. Finally, he would get over his tantrum and blame everything on me. Talk about being Passive/Aggressive! Makes me crazy! This went on for four months and several of these sulking tantrums and being blamed for everything in the relationship.

Last night he went way below the belt and was verbally abusive. I am in a financial bind and it is going to be very difficult to get on my feet. I wish I could stay until I could save some money to get on my feet. However, if I went home I would be condoning his behavior! I sold all my furniture and moved into his place. He also told me that his health was failing and that he wasn't going to be able to have sex. I don't believe this! He would rather masturbate and watch porn then be in reality.

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