Lying and porn addiction

by A
(WA)

Porn addiction and the associated lying and secrecy were the main reason for our divorce.

There was also passive aggressive behavior, including withholding sex and affection when I didn't do what he wanted.

Comments for Lying and porn addiction

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For BL..re: the “male perspective”
by: Sunshine and Clouds

Hmm…sounds quite strange that your wife’s OWN SISTER would encourage you to cheat on her, with a little "fun on the side". The fact she can talk to you that freely with encouragement of sleeping around really says something, and is a HUGE red flag, and I wonder
1: if you confided this to your wife (prob not), and
2: if you’d be ok with YOUR sibling telling your wife behind YOUR back to go sleep with someone because you’re just not enough.

It’s VERY weird to say the least. Men start having issues with erectile dysfunction to varying degrees, in their 40s. Testosterone begins waning, this is natural. Perhaps your wife may put up with it for a year before she starts contemplating a harder, more frequently able to perform partner. I hope you won’t feel offended should this happen.

But this is assuming sex is the biggest part of a relationship at your age, which it shouldn’t be. You are mid-life, and being fit and healthy does not change that you are… I think men (in general) need to mature past having sex a certain amount of times a week or "it’s over"… after 12 years together. It may be that you don’t want to face your age, and approaching 50 means you’re ability to perform like you did 30 years ago isn’t the same, and you have to accept that, just as your wife has to accept that her female parts will become drier, along with other changes. So much of this p*rn problem among older men is that they cannot handle the aging process, and want to be virile FOREVER. Nature doesn’t work that way, its simple biology.

And had you left your wife for someone willing to give you sex more frequently, (or just having multiple partners to get your release), you would find the younger women would likely need you to take a pill to perform the way they need you to, as trust me, from a 49 year old female perspective, who talks to other women and good friends, YOU are NOT the same physically as your 30 something self. I hope she affords you more grace than you did her, and she doesn’t resort to ogling other more virile men, and getting off to their videos, when you go through/are going through your changes.

Male perspectives.
by: Emma

I’m very glad to hear you stuck it out. It’s not easy for woman to go through "the change". Although she should have explained it to you. Nasty movies would probably be your option anyway. Better than cheating, because you waited and stuck it out. Some men never come around they just get deeper and deeper. So I’m happy for you and your wife.

Now The Male Perspective
by: BL

I'm not sure if I even have any business writing my opinion on this platform, but after thoroughly reading quite a few entries of what some woman are going through, thinking and how it made them/you feel. It actually prompted me to take a deep personal inventory of what I'm doing, not doing, should be doing and what I need to do, now and in the long term, to be a consistently mindful and diligently conscious, every day, by the hour, of the impact I have on ladies whole being.

Here's where you might start not to like me? Because it has to be said...There's 3 sides to every story and no situation is the same. To put it in perspective, there was a time when I did resort to the regular use of p*rnography. I don't know if I would call it an addiction, but my significant other was just as upset as some of the people on this forum. It took time, understanding, patience and our boundless love to see it through.

To explain briefly, we have been together for a long time, about twelve years, when she started going through the "change of life" And change it was, seemingly as it was an overnight change (to me it seemed like it) but was realistically about two months, our intimacy went from 3-4 no holds barred, mind blowing days a week to absolutely nothing. I totally didn't understand it and she didn't really communicate it to me, other than saying that she'd "come around".

Well, after waiting a year for her to come around, my frustration was starting to get the best of me along with thoughts of her being unfaithful and a total loss of interest in me. Only being in our mid-forties and both being very fit and healthy, I'm thinking that I/we're way too young for this. Even her own sister mentioned that maybe I should have a little discrete fun on the side, which I would never do to her. But the sister bringing that up is a whole other chapter.

I could no longer try to make sense of it and nothing was being attempted to resolve the issue, she didn't want to even discuss it anymore. So the bottom line for me was...seriously thinking about and doing some preliminary mental planning of leaving her.

But after about a year and a half, there was a breakthrough in her stubbornness, personal pride and her dismay that I resorted to adult websites to relieve my frustrations. Ironically, without me saying a word our female therapist explained to her that if this wasn't an issue before the dry spell we've been having, I was probably using it as a coping skill of sorts to take the pressure off of him being unfaithful.

Finally, almost immediately after we had that therapy session experience, she began to diligently follow up with all physicians as she was advised to until a comfortable treatment resolved the issues. I'm glad to say that after almost six months, it not only went back to "normal" but it's better than ever and I'm so glad I stuck it out. Cause I would much rather have my woman back, than a video or book of inanimate objects Any Day!

See now, No woman bashing, insulting the gender and no insinuating descriptions about how all women are the same. I will admit, what saddens and troubles me the most? Some of the articles I read and how the writers detailed scenarios and habits about their significant others attitudes and behaviors are so on point it's a disturbing embarrassment to the good men out there, to say the least.

I truly hope that you find some kind of peace and NEVER, EVER give up hope for finding a way out!

RE: What do I do?
by: Gail

Ruby, I am so very sorry to hear of all your pain and frustration. So many of us here share your frustrations and feelings of betrayal. I will tell you one thing that has helped me. I have started following Dr. Trish Leigh's videos on U tube.

This lady is sounding the alarm on the damage that internet p*rn addiction has on the brain. This is information I already knew, but what can help you and other women here is the fact that she explains the physiological aspects of this addiction. It really helps to understand the 'dopamine' rush that drives this addiction.

There are hundreds of men seeking help for this and her channel is growing daily. Their struggle is real, especially if they have been doing this for years and decades. Now, this is not excusing the behavior but rather giving men the tools they need to conquer this addiction. Many were exposed to this garbage when they were very young and that has formed solid neural pathways in their brain that are not easily undone.

Some are desperate to quit and are really working on their struggle. Personally, I have respect for the ones that are honest and determined to quit. However, there are those that just don't care and will not put in the effort (and it is a lot of work) needed to kick this habit. Once men realize the damage they are doing to themselves both physically and psychologically they often want to quit asap.

If they don't care and instead continue on with their internet smut, their habit can really escalate and change their personality. I experienced this change in behavior with my ex and could no longer tolerate the anger and horrible emotional abuse and gaslighting. I left but wish I would have sooner. The man HAS TO WANT TO CHANGE. If he doesn't, the relationship will continue to deteriorate.

PLEASE watch her videos as it really helps to understand the scientific studies behind this addiction. It has zero to do with you and how you look. The very sad reality is that women end up depressed and often physically ill over this garbage.

You are not obligated to endure a lifetime of this hell. Please do whatever you have to in order to self-heal and seek out help from someone who will truly understand. Personally, I watch Dr. Trish's videos a few times a week as it reaffirms that this is the man's issue and only he can make the effort for change.

Internet p*rn is destroying society. Boys as young as 8 yrs. old are having their brains altered and will face a nasty addiction if they don't get immediate help. It should be banned and removed as it also fuels human trafficking. Purely evil and destroying relationships.

I wish you peace and health and encourage you to try to emotionally detach yourself from his addiction as much as possible.

Get Away From Him!
by: Anonymous

I'm going to be straight with not only you, but all the traumatized women on this thread. The only peace you will EVER have is when these perverts are out of your life. I’ve been through it, I’ve lost not only my physical health, but my mental health as well, while I was waiting and hoping and waiting and hoping. When I told him to leave, it literally felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders!

Yes it was hard, but being with him was harder. Get out before you're 55, then 60, then 65 and you look back and realize you've wasted all of your life. 50 isn't old. While you're still breathing, there’s time to live your life as a free woman.

Also fire your worthless counselor! I had to go thru several therapists before I found one that told me that my husband would never change. She told me flat out that he was a sociopath and to trust my suspicions that he is a pedophile. It turned out I was right. Trust me when I tell you that you don't know half of what goes on in their sick minds and you don't want to know. There is a treatment called EMDR that counselors can do and there is a great book called "Complex PTSD, from surviving to thriving". It’s on Amazon. It will help you. God bless all the women reading this. You are my sisters and you are loved. There is light and peace waiting for you after you get these monsters out of your life.

What do I do?
by: Ruby

I am 50, I was a military brat and military wife. I've moved 26 times. My mom had married a military man who adopted me at age 1. It has taken 7 years in the space of 15 to finish my degree. My parents sabotaged anything I wanted to do. There’s a lot of abuse & dysfunction in my family of origin. We've lived at some really horrible bases & gone overseas.

I've known my husband since he was 15, and we were married at 20. He was active duty & used to rent the adult films. I told him I didn't want to marry him if he chose to watch that over me. So for 12 years, he didn't do it. Then came a new base & assignment working for a 3 star narcissistic General & introduction to internet p-rn. We had been trying for another child & I couldn't get pregnant. He called me one afternoon & asked me to find a paper in his backpack for work, I found the paper & other stuff, I also found out I was pregnant. I screamed at him. He swore he'd stop, & that it was due to stress.

I've had military social workers tell me that men will be men, this is military men, he's going to Iraq, let him have his release. My eldest child, once she graduated, moved across to the west coast, far away from where we live. My youngest just graduated and is lost, his last 2 years of high school have been a waste due to Covid. We've been stuck home and haven't gone anywhere in 2.5 years.

My husband’s addition has ruined me. My children are so depressed because he keeps getting caught and hurts me and it disrupts our home. We still live on base & now he's retired from active duty & works for the government. I already struggle with ptsd due to my violent & abusive father who has disowned me & has nothing to do w/ my kids or me. When my father divorced my mom, he kicked me out. My mother died of ovarian cancer & my half siblings both in the US & UK aren't interested in knowing me or my family. I have no family.

Depending on where we were stationed, there were no jobs, or they were minimum wage jobs, so I would volunteer or substitute teach at installation schools. I would attend college, only to have to stop because we moved again. Because we’ve moved so many times, my employment is spotty. I've never been able to finish my masters. So now, after countless times of lying to my face, him being in therapy, and on medication and in recovery groups, I have to admit the last 19 years have been infested by his filthy habit.

I have no self-esteem left. I wish I was dead. I've thought about it many times but can't do this because of my kids, especially my son. I have a degree in Psychology, and I wanted to be an art therapist. I nearly joined the military myself, wanting to gain my masters & was told I'd be stationed in bunkers in ND. They said I could cross train and try to become a trauma therapist... it’s a lie, my hubby was services & the ONLY time cross training came up for him was for bomb disposal.

I've been a good daughter, a good wife and mum. And I am so alone. I no longer have family in the UK. I have no money, no career, just 'wonderful volunteer status. Employers don't understand military life. I'm gutted. I have ptsd from childhood and now him. I have no idea what to do. My stomach hurts all the time, I've lost weight. We did see a marriage therapist and she told me I was wrong & I should have faith in my H. She basically blew me off. I was supposed to congratulate him on his hard work. This doesn't help me or my kids. Many times he deployed and I was strong and was the single parent taking care of our kids. & he returned to the filth again & again. I have nothing left. We've been married for 30 yrs. What a bloody waste of life.

I'm disgusted by what I found on my bf history
by: Anonymous

This article is 100% what my relationship is. Thank you for being so upfront and aggressive with no sugar coating. I am hurt, sickened, and feel less appealing due to his addiction. We have talked in the past but to no avail. And now I just learned that he has subscribed to only fans, now he talks intimately with other women plus some. I feel numb, angry and hateful. I have a very healthy sexual appetite and he loves it. He looks me in the eyes and tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful. Then I find after I go to bed (I work nights) he immediately jumps online to watch the nasty videos. I am reeling inside... thank you for listening.

They hate being labeled
by: Clairecsx

I really sympathize with your story, sounds so very similar to how most relationships start off! Passionate one minute then nothing at all. The thing is, I’ve started seeing it for what it really is… and dating a man is just one big con. It’s a false sense of security and we are literally only there to nurture these idiots and give them security.

We are constantly told men are visual, so technically where does this leave us in the long run? The future? We are only going to age and change over the years and we are literally blatantly discarded! They trade us in literally for the younger models!!! What is totally ironic about all of this, I’ve worked out is… we have to actually be happy with them?!! They may be balding, getting fat, grey, old, but do we start hunting for male models to take their place??? Interesting.

It really saddens me these losers who can’t seem to stop, they can I believe, they just don’t want to. This is why they put up a massive fight, they want to keep their ugly habit going, have us in the background and completely take the life out of us!

We make big decisions, moving in with them, marrying them, having children, days out, emotionally investing in them, financially… the list goes on. Yet we are mugged off and nine times out of ten, we don’t even know it!

We know, but we don’t. What I mean by that is they wank themselves about the day/ night but if it’s all usually done in secret, and we live with them… where exactly are we when they are doing this??!! It’s rude as f***!!!! While we putter about the house, playing mom, happy families…!! It’s just nasty. It’s all wrong on so many levels, they actually look us in the eyes, talk to us, use the fake I love you’s seconds after ogling girls literally about 5 mins ago..!! That’s the reality of it, the brutality of it, the real things that they do all under the same roof!! A lot do it at any given time they are away, does it ever end or what?! Life’s hard, yet we have to feel like we're less than on top of that because you nasty men can’t seem to stop being perverts?!!

This is one thing they hate being called. I wonder how many can relate. We aren’t allowed to label them, we must be this silly supportive partner accepting everything and not have any respect for ourselves? I don’t think so! These men can’t do commitment. They think just because it’s on a screen it’s not real or cheating, yet how do we come into this with how it makes us feel on a daily basis??? Our thoughts and feelings are completely invalid and always will be.

I’ve not seen any success stories, not known one man who can’t stop this nastiness. From what I see now, so many of these wrongens can’t get off to basic sex anymore!!! I don’t hold back, why should I? You? Why do we keep on protecting these idiots? Stay silent? Hold back?! They don’t!!!

It sickens me how many women are suffering from this. I’ll say it again… it’s ABUSE!! Being ignored, sexually blanked, turned down, put aside, calculating their wanks, peeking and all that stuff we have to learn… is abuse to us!!!

When does it stop? When women commit suicide because she feels so ugly and not worthy?! When do we matter?! We don’t.

This is why it’s done in secret, they don’t care. They never will. They hate being told what they really are- perverts, dirty men, they like young teens, so what exactly is the right name to call these men? No other rational word can be used..!!

They tell you what you want to hear and laugh in our faces!!!!!! They do not care about how this is affecting you. They say things to soften the blow, to make them feel they aren’t the dirty perverts they really are!

We have knowledge and they hate it! We know the content they enjoy... basically anything to degrade us, that gets them off!!! There is no way to sugar coat it.

They are sly, delete, deny, use other phones, devices, hide things, use Viagra with us because they can’t get it up to a normal live body anymore, they con us day in day out. You look back at the family photos and actually feel stupid. You were walking about with this guy playing happy families, making complete fools of ourselves, oblivious to their double seedy life. It makes you cautious on SO many levels, our kids, the mates they bring over, everything is questionable and awkward!

How do people live after knowing this? I found every aspect was difficult. TV was the worst, they get off to the smallest of things!!! It makes you think... life can’t even happen with a man this messed up. It’s like some disease. It doesn’t go, and if it did, that’s not by choice at all but to keep you, keep the relationship, keep the security!

Then after winning you back, feeding you the BS of "I’ve changed", comes the complacent comfortableness… and then it starts again..! Pop to the shops, out with your family, dentist trip. It’s the only thing in their minds!!! They are dying for that look, that need of the young girl(s). The violent videos… this is something they won’t ever give up.

They end up resenting you... I mean how dare we want commitment? How dare we be upset with the person we chose and who we love, looking at that filth..?! How dare this affect us, right?! None of this matters to them.

And sadly as proven in these stories, months turn to years. And before you know it… boom… we are too old and done in (by them) to even move on. The only advice I can give is to dispose of the dirty man like he disposed of you. They don’t change, they actually just get seedier and angry because that is their life!!

It’s no wonder divorce keeps happening… once the internet came out… game over! Doesn’t matter how gorgeous you are. What annoys me (and sorry in advance for sounding insensitive I agree), but why are people saying "why do you do it" to their men?? I’ll tell you why….. Because because of the naughty, dirty, sinister content!!

Wake up! Wise up! They might fancy you, but be sure to realize when having sex with you, all those videos are going through his head to even get in the mood. We don’t do it for them… who are we kidding?? Seriously?! We have been massively replaced with fantasy!!! They have even got animated stuff on those sites, anything goes!!

It’s the ones who were extremely unfortunate who have found their partners history I feel for. The rest of us will never know the content the partners we live with look at!!!

What gets to me is how many times I’ve seen dumb idiots saying how p*rn is natural and normal, once upon a time back in the 60s perhaps, but the stuff out there now isn’t natural, it’s damaging and causing break ups, low confidence, divorce, body issues, the list is endless of the damage it does!!

Another thing that’s just weird is doing this while in a relationship. I can just about get it if single, but while with someone??? We are literally their moms, in the end, cooking cleaning like idiots, family get together, days out, just take a step back and look at how stupid we really look/ are…

We don’t matter. They will protect this stuff right to the very end.

Believe that!

The worst part
by: Sunshine and Clouds

I think the worst part is how it colors your world…forever changing how you view EVERYTHING. Like the woman a few down wrote, I see the mailman, the "cute old man" drinking coffee with his wife, the doctor even, as dirty pigs who are undressing everyone with their eyes and having disgusting thoughts and doing disgusting things. The odds at this point, are that they most likely are.

Beauty and innocence of my thoughts got taken from me and replaced with rot, I never had these kinds of thoughts before!! The saddest thing is I cannot tell myself this will pass with time. First of all it’s been 3 years, second and most sobering, is that to think otherwise in this time now would be foolish. The great majority of men are heavily into this now, and they do see women through a "use em, scr*w em, dump em, attitude"… and a 5 min movie script fantasy…what an awful world. This changes you FOREVER, whether you leave or stay.

And please ladies, stop saying you’re going to find a good man! I’ve read enough stories on here of the 2nd, 3rd, 4th loser doing the same thing, even if the woman had an honest conversation with him about the issue beforehand. Also the numerous stories of how they thought they had that "good guy" (me). Only to find out he fantasizes about women and young girls behind your back and lies to you about it. I don’t see this getting rooted out.

Honestly, the therapy thing is a joke too… he’ll see himself as special and a victim, you’re the bad guy, and let’s face it, they love their fantasies and stories, so he’s also getting off on the idea of doing a hot therapist across her desk. But, at least it ain’t the trash he usually watches! Heinous, dirty, filthy men who can’t keep their hands off their junk and live a normal life. Literally worse than a dog that found out it can lick itself… but at least doesn’t do it as much as these men. The images and titles I’ve seen from his searches, I wish I could erase my brain and let it be as it was before I EVER met him.

This is what this filth does to a woman.

Why Stay?
by: Rose

If your husband or whoever this man is to you… Leave pack your things MAKE IT Known to everyone that knows him what he has done & then leave. Change your number and move out of town or city.

He watches men now
by: Anonymous

We started out amazing, we made love 5 times a week and it was full of passion and love. Then it became less and less and when it did happen it was distant. He has been caught a million times watching adult videos. He clicks it off when I come in the room and acts like he wasn't doing anything (but too late I saw). He waits until I am asleep or at work or does it while he is at work. He now thinks he is gay. He even told me when drunk he is in love with a man he works with and wasted all these years with me that he could have been with him. Then when sober called me a liar when I told him what he said to me.

He barely touches me anymore and I could leave the room and he would not even notice. He does not care that I am dead inside or that I cry myself to sleep every night. I get rejected and he tells me my wanting sex with him is not his problem. Says he don't have a dog in my hunt.

He chooses his addiction and other people over me every day. How can you say you love me but give all your passion, desire, and intimacy to other people and rejecting me… that is not love! I can feel the way he pulls away from me, I feel that he is not present when he kisses me the rare times he does, I can feel he does not want to be with me the times he has what he calls sex with me. He even woke me up one time, started to make love with me, then stopped and said I don't enjoy sex with you, I would rather watch p*rn and get off that way. Another time woke me up to fool around, he could not even look at me (like he was thinking of someone else) and rolled off after it was about 3 min. The next day knowing full well I got nothing out of it, he asked if I got a nut (that what he calls it). I said no, he said well you got toys so go get one and walked away.

He does not care the pain I am going thru. The hurt I feel. I love this man with my all and would do anything for him and he throws me away and treats me like I am nothing but someone to keep him company when he is lonely. He ogles other people right in front of me. I was standing right beside him and I was invisible because he was looking for and looking at his ex-girlfriend he works with. He does this every time we go into that store. It hurts me and he doesn't care. He then tries to blame me for feeling this way. How would he feel if I did this to him, if I flirted with and stared at men and treated him as though he wasn’t there? He would be hurt. Yet it is ok to do it to me. He does not value me, respect me, or love me because he continues to lie to me every day he chooses this filth over me, over US. He chooses to flirt with this man and sneak to see this man. I have been honest and faithful to him always, yet I get lied to and pushed away, rejected, and hurt every day. I don't see the point of life anymore, I no longer have a happy place. It used to be us, but there is no Us anymore, only him, his vulgar habit, and the man he really wants to be with.

40 yrs waiting...
by: Gail

Ladies if you are able, PLEASE free yourselves from your loved ones battling this horrible addiction. It does not get better. Under 3% of individuals actually take the initiative to get help and seriously work on their battle.

Internet p*rnography is devastating to relationships and to the people drawn to it. Lives are ruined. Marriages (including mine) are left in shambles and wives watch as their husbands turn into a shell of the man they once loved.

This insidious evil only escalates and warps the minds of those that watch it. The lies only grow deeper and what feels like a dark pit, opens up and literally swallows everyone exposed to this garbage.

What a horrible experience
by: Clairecsx

Hearing your post is deeply upsetting and wrong. We women should never have to go through this constant rubbish. As I said in my previous post, it’s abuse!!!

The lies, cover ups, shadiness, everything to hide who these men we actually fall in love with is wrong. We are all being conned. I even wrote in my last post these men turn to animals and kids in the end. The more sinister the better for them.

It won’t ever stop and no matter how it’s dealt with, the damage is done … It’s in their ugly minds now and as they say that’s the one thing we can’t escape from.

It makes you think, how do we do normal with men like this?? I find it hard just doing life itself once you know what your partner is really about. From watching tv, to days out… It’s actually impossible to avoid the dirtiness which comes with them.

How do or how have couples actually succeeded in moving forward... once they find out? They don’t change, so it’s a miserable life for us forever more should we decide on taking them back.

I’m glad that the man who fully wronged you is away from you, though you end up fearing every family member near them, including the family dog, your kids, and their mates.

I don’t hold back. I’ll speak the truth. This nastiness has been kept behind closed doors for far too long..!!! This stuff needs to come out. The real parts of what this really is!

They don’t give it up because they like it, they enjoy the content. Those who can’t give it up, I feel sorry for. I mean what a sinister dark way of life! I can see why they don’t interact well or socialize because they are too consumed with dirty thoughts to actually live in this society!

This needs to be shown so everyone is aware, because you never know who you’ve invited into your home, invested in, brought around your children!! They don’t tell us to what level they are into. The only way we know is when we accidentally stumble across their filth, or they tell us (which is rare).

Then us poor battered wives/ girlfriends have to literally pick up the pieces!! They don’t, they just keep it going in secret! It’s all at our expense! We are there to mother them and give them security. Nothing else.

I think if everything is visual for them, how do we make it exactly as we get older? I mean it’s brutal hearing this, but true. Our lives are a waste from start to finish if that’s their mind set!! It’s the worst thing around in my opinion!

I’m so wary of what these men are about. You literally become cautious and paranoid about everything and everyone! What about the nice friend’s next door neighbor? The man who works in the post office, the school teacher, the post man? The list is endless, just any man in general makes you anxious around them once we’ve worked out this ugliness!!

When on earth is this filth ever going to stop???? When? Why is this filth still continuing? Still out there? We live in a so called modern world, where everything is under a microscope, drinking, drugs, smoking, and calories even. So why is this still happening?!!!

Sadly none of us seem to matter. This in itself makes me angry. Our kids knowing no different in the filth shown on the internet, all ready to be poisoned and potential dirty creeps in the making!! It’s true though, that’s what this filth does, it corrupts innocent people.

Not only that, the partners are now corrupt because it’s made us see a whole ugly new world and so we are damaged like them!

All this has to stop... something surely must be bloody done by now!!

To 40 yrs of waiting
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry to read about your life with your husband and his inability to care for those that he should.

Thankfully, he is out of your life, and one day, all he has done will come to a head. Your granddaughter knows the truth, and she will be strong and come forward, and all will be revealed. These villains will go to extraordinary lengths to cover up their disgusting ways. He should be in jail.

It must be very disappointing that your son believed his father and not his daughter - your son has been extremely disrespectful to his own daughter, and that tells me that he too delves into the world the smut.

I feel for the young generations growing up in a world where the 'boys club' still exists, but now they are all supporting this industry and not educating their children about the damaging impact of p*rn.

So sad. I do not want my children to bring children into this sad and disgusting world.

Our young girls need to hear what men can be like and not get sucked into the 'fake family' fantasy.

You can't be the mother you want to be when your other half is spending his time getting off to digital images and not spending the time educating their children about the ill effects of p*rn.

You blokes are a disgusting lot and have brought so much hate to this world - I wish they would just go away.

I am so sorry that you had to endure what you have, and I hope that you know that everyone that has written on this forum is with you and feels your pain.

To 40 yrs of waiting
by: Anonymous

I’m so sorry that you went through that. I am speechless you went through so much! You’re in my prayers.

40 yrs waiting
by: Anonymous

When I met my husband I knew right away he was the Man I wanted to grow old with. In the beginning my husband would have men’s magazines to look at. That didn’t bother me, as a matter of fact most of the time he purchased them I was with him. This was in my twenties. It was a bit more acceptable, but as you age it starts to feel more of a competition with the girls in the magazine and the image you have of your own body. When I was towards the last part of pregnancy I saw my husband getting off while looking at these magazines. I could understand, but it made me think I was less desirable to him while I was pregnant. I was intimate with him most of my pregnancy.

Skip forward past 2 pregnancies. Now comes indecent movies on the internet!!

I don’t see magazines anymore… Now our sex life starts to suffer, it’s become meaningless and quick (30 seconds). It became all about his needs... I felt devastated!! What use to be a beautiful thing for both of us, had become a memory. I didn’t like it and I would ask often if I was still attractive in his eyes. He would answer with words I only wanted to hear. I would see him looking at it and I would kindly ask him to shut that smut off. I expressed to him how it made me feel knowing he was pleasuring himself with other women. I would ask him to quit watching it. He would promise he would, but he never could. I started educating myself on the effects of this indecent material in a marriage. I have kept up on all research and studies for 30+ years. In the last 15 years there has been so much more awareness, how it has become an epidemic in so many young lives… Thanks to the internet our young children are being exposed to this awful example of what sex is supposed to be…

My husband became a p*rn addict. He no longer desired me. He couldn’t perform with me. He has ED he started using stimulators to get himself to where he could perform with me… only to close his eyes and last 30 seconds. He has been involved with self-pleasuring himself for so many years with this smut and being addicted to it, he has to watch the most violent disgusting darkest things you can imagine to reach his level of pleasure. I warned him he was going to ruin our marriage if he didn’t stop. He’s into chat rooms, live webcams and who know what else.

My fears of him rejecting me started to show. He would have sex dreams and if I nudged him to quit, he would rage. Throw me off the bed, choke me, and throw things at me. He would call me names, tell me I’m crazy, and tell me I’m delusional and hallucinating. Even saying my eyes were playing tricks on me.

I was heartbroken watching the sweet caring loving gentleman I married change into this monster I didn’t know. I was sleeping with a stranger. I wanted to help him, but he pushed me away.

Then the unthinkable happened and this is so hard to write... My granddaughter brought to my attention that grandpa was sexually abusing her. I wanted to die!! What to do next?? I told my son (my granddaughter’s daddy). I never imagined what would happen next.

I have been estranged from my husband, my 2 sons, and my 4 grandchildren (whom I day-cared for 10 years each from birth). My husband filed for a divorce 15 months ago, but before doing that took all our assets and gave them to our sons. So they wouldn’t be part of the divorce. He and his evil attorney have painted me as a criminal in court papers. He had me arrested and I spent 24 hours with in jail. We have 5 businesses that generate multimillion dollars annually. I signed paper work throughout our marriage without any explanation, not realizing what I was signing just two weeks before he served me with the divorce. I was a stay home mom. I raised my sons and built an impeccable home life for my husband my sons and grandchildren.

I’m in shock and very hurt that my sons believe their father and took his side, not believing he has an addiction to p*rn. He says I’m crazy even after I went through an extensive mental and physical exam. I also witnessed injuries of the abuse on my granddaughter and found evidence in my bed that he left behind. I was stupid and gave it to him saving him from prison; that’s when he filed for divorce. P*RNOGRAPHY kills the BRAINS of wonderful people and DESTROYS MARRIAGES.

Consumers of this filth, educate yourselves before it’s TOO LATE!!

To: Help a Girl Out Please
by: Blue

Just some honest talk from a 49 year old woman for some insight…

He ISN’T going to share his "alone time" with his p*rn with you, or "confide" in you when he does this. I’m sorry, that’s truly a pipe dream that is taught to women to be accepting of this stuff and is the BS written in magazines..."do it together! It’ll spice things up!" No, this is his private world he wants to revert to, and he knows you won’t like how often he does this, the things he looks up, etc…you are a distraction at that time, and your body is not where he wants to put it, he is imagining doing it with the girl on film, not you, so why would he want you involved? Hell, lots of men (my husband among them), will even buy a "p***y in a can" so they can more readily watch the action and envision f"ing said woman.

The fact that he was abused is something he will likely fall back on every time you catch him, so he can play the victim and make you the bad guy. But he himself is now supporting a business (big business) that abuses children, adolescents, and women on film for money, so what does that make him? Complicit. So the argument is moot. (And sick).

I recommend getting a recording device/phone tracker just if you’re interested in seeing how much he lies to you, and how often he engages with it. And then if you stay, just accept that this is something you’ll always deal with, because you will. And whatever you do, don’t let this loser impregnate you, and cause yourself a lifetime of misery!! Real talk that no "therapist" or "counselor" is going to give you, because it’s not pc, and everybody’s a victim these days… Maybe he is, but it doesn’t mean you have to get on his ship and go down with it! Once, twice, three times a liar, always one!!

Think about it.
by: Anonymous

Try going to therapy on your own. If you really want to stay with him. It may teach you how to cope with issues.

Do you really want this?
by: Anonymous

You’re only in your 20’s. Do you really want this for the rest of your life? Read all the comments from other women. It will be a lifelong thing. It may get better at times, it will be on and off. Can you live with that?

It’s still a new relationship please think hard about it.

I’ve been with my husband for 46 yrs. We’ve been through alcoholism, drug abuse, (on and off) p*rn (along with sexting) and PTSD!

It’s a tough and lonely life sometimes.
Good luck!

Help a girl out please
by: Anonymous

Not married, but my bf has a p*rn addiction. He got sexually assaulted when he was 15, he developed an addiction to suppress his feelings, however he never got therapy till he met me. We are now in our 20s and have been dating now for 2 years. I didn’t know he had an addiction till I found out stuff. I told him that although I’m hurt to please be honest when he has his urges to look at stuff so we can talk about it and get through it. Anyways, he isn’t being honest and is only communicative with what he wants me to know. I’m so fed up, but he’s literally the person I see myself with. But this addiction is so draining. We almost broke up for reals this time. He claims he’s scared of being honest but it just feels like bs because I have been nothing but understanding. His therapist says that she understands why he hides and hopes that I understand, but it’s like dude I’ve been nothing But understanding. What about me? Who is understanding me and my pain? I’ve been pushing my hurt to the side to understand how to help him grow, but he isn’t meeting me half way to be honest. He says he will and is capable of being honest, but it’s like what makes this time any different than the last conversations we have had about honesty? Is it because I almost left you? Why do I have to leave for you to take me seriously... let’s see what happens next.

Just nasty
by: Clairecsx

I really feel for you. It’s the repetition of it all. The same cycle over and over.

How would they like it if we started regularly looking at men or exes (still a man) and made them aware so they can feel as much rubbish about themselves as we do!! They wouldn’t be able to say it’s wrong, after all this is what they do to us, and on a daily, yearly, becomes decade’s basis!

It’s cruel. It’s calculating, and its abuse in my opinion! These men break us down so we have nothing left, they have no care to what this does to us. Simple. They will do it anytime and anywhere, and we are deserving of cheap lies and stupid stories and cover ups in return.

I personally don’t believe they can ever stop or change this. They like looking and that’s that! They can put away say, a drink (alcohol) or drugs etc. if addicted to that, but this is their body and there literally is no hope for that. It’s all they do and it’s a form of abuse because we suffer.

Neglect, no confidence, broken, paranoid, literally we basically die because we are not the same again.

Yet this is love? That’s not a reason to stay, leaving these inconsiderate idiots is the ONLY way.

Sadly my ex only changed because I left him. But if I didn’t, he’d still be w****** himself silly..! It’s INSULTING!!! Stopping because he HAS to and not want to. Yet it’s all a dead end because I get the total BS that comes with it on- but I don’t need that, and I’m sure we’ve all heard this - "you're all I need and want"!

To know if he’s doing it... you’ll see nothing working down below, and when they finish, there’s hardly anything there.. They must think we are stupid as well as mugs to stick around!

I’m so glad this site exists. We need to join forces in escaping this ongoing globally messed up way of life! There is no life for us with this and we all know it.

Run, run, run! Don’t walk or ever be last on his ugly list!!!

I feel for you I really do. It angers me because once you know about it, you can’t escape any of it and it becomes everywhere. What a truly sad way to live..!

I hope you find your strength and know your worth! There are too many women sticking by these nasty men! Sorry it just really gets to me especially seeing nice innocent women suicidal over their nasty habit! That’s abuse.

So so true all of it!
by: Green eyed girl

You’re so on the money with all of it. If we’d know our husbands/boyfriends were addicted to this filth before we married them or got into deep relationships, we’d run away.

I never thought I’d have it affecting my life like it is.

Behavior repeating itself, another I’m sorry, hoping it’s the last. Feeling bad about myself constantly. Although I have strangers tell me how beautiful I am (both men and woman), it means nothing when you don’t feel like your husband does. He tells me I’m beautiful and sexy etc., but it means nothing every time I catch him. Talk is cheap is a very true.

So once again I lightly accept the apology, says he doesn’t want to lose me. Next time if there is one (which I can’t see how there won’t be), I may just have to go. I just can’t keep doing this. Life is too short. I love him so much, but I can’t live like this anymore. It’s so heartbreaking feeling like you’re not good enough to someone you’d do anything for.

If you know about it ladies, run, run it’s a terrible addiction.

To Clairecsx
by: Anonymous

Well said.

I have been married for 40 years. My sex life has been over for years due to my husbands p*rn and alcohol use and now prostate cancer. If I leave now I will lose my home and be forced to live in poverty. I am retired, so no income and too late to start over. We are essentially just roommates. I didn’t sign up for this.

He has no concept of how this has effected my life. He says it has nothing to do with me. BS. While he was spending money on his nasty habit, I was paying the bills. I’ve wasted my entire life with him. I hindsight I wish I would have left him many years ago. But I was faithful to him. I feel like a chump. I have problems with depression and living with this has made it 1,000 times worse.

For the men out there addicted to p*rn, do all the women in your life a favor. Don’t get involved in a relationship with a real woman. Ever. Don’t get married. Don’t have kids. Just live in your fantasy world for the rest of your life. But remember, those girls you are obsessed with (young enough to be your granddaughters) won’t be there to cook your meals. Or laugh at your stupid jokes. Or take you to your doctor appointments when you get old and sick. You have NO IDEA what real love is. None. If you do not do this, you will condemn a woman you claim to "love" to a life of loneliness and utter despair.

We should be wary when dating men…
by: Clairecsx

Women should have the right to choose whether to date a man damaged by this obscene material or not. It’s like hiding an affair; it’s obviously wrong, damaging, and secretive… a horrible basis for a relationship. Channeling your energies to that other person. This is exactly the effect you give us when choosing to watch multiple girls online behind our backs.

Society has actually made this accessible as well as acceptable! It’s macho, it’s what men do, and get over it.

Do you actually know the damage you bring on someone else when doing this? Timing it, carefully planning your wank when your partner leaves the house, goes to bed, raises your kids?

Have you seen the mental, emotional and physical torture your addiction has on US? No? Then maybe you need to start seeing it!

Or are you those (big percentages) that do it behind her back? So you’ve got the best of both worlds!!! The security of a partner, but you get your jollies and kicks to women half your partners age elsewhere. Do you know how nasty and spiteful that actually is?!

How us women are lured into this ugly fake, false sense of security by you, told marriage, kids, moving in together is the done thing, yet we aren’t told the rest.. That once we date we have to share you and be last inline to millions of random onscreen girls during the whole relationship with you.

No one tells us that do they? We are told the struggles of life, bills, work etc. but not this... Not what comes with dating you?

It’s sly behavior and there should be a choice we have in sticking around or not. You know most of us would run (I mean, would you be ok with "sorry not tonight love, just need to play with myself to those hot muscly men over there")..! This is why it’s done in secret.

We then have to pity you and feel sorry you had a big problem, and usually get fed with "it’s because I’m stressed and stand by your withdraws and struggles to… not look at other women!" Do you know how outrageous that actually sounds!!! We have to stand by and help you fight to not drool over women’s bodies, or having sinister things done to them!

Can you actually see it from a woman’s perspective and how much you’re actually asking off us?!! That’s it in black and white. There are no other words to gloss over this.

How a once very beautiful and confident woman existed… to literally be transformed into the most paranoid person on the planet… who now feels ugly and secondary to your demeaning sites/ choices. This woman is totally broken and is now a nothing in how she sees herself. Who tried to look good for you, wear make up for you, nice clothes, all totally dismissed because your nasty habit means you DONT look at us.

Can you imagine for a second if you had to be with a partner, who for years had millions of hot-bodied men in her life and mind, and then you come along basic... getting older and have to somehow live up to those hunky men half your age? Do you even realize what you’re asking of us????

Do you know that because of this garbage we never signed up for, our minds are as corrupted as yours, because we see everything through a lens of a man… once we’ve figured this nastiness out! How we can’t live life the normal, clear minded way we once used to, because you decided to mess us up with your dirty problem.

I have read SO many stories on how hard this seems to be for a man, yet are our thoughts even bothered with? Acknowledged?

There’s so many women out there actually making fools of themselves right now making a house a home, being a parent in raising kids, just oblivious to what you’re going to be doing tonight when she’s in bed thinking her man only has eyes for her, or even in the next minute when popping to the bathroom… she talks about you and boasts what a wonderful man you are. How do any of you actually look your partners in the eyes knowing what you do?

It’s all wrong and we seem to have no choice in it when we date you. You bring this problem to us and we either know about it (if smart enough to work it out) or you tell us… and by then The Damage Is Done! What happens to the WOMEN once this is out!

Do you think that’s right putting all that emotional damage on us should we find out? If we don’t find out because your lies are SO good and frequent, we do in our own ways by not getting the intimacy we deserve... yes we have a sex drive too! Also we know the tale-tale signs, the pied, the flat line, the moodiness, your desperation to go somewhere where we aren’t around to wack one out!

Do you think we will be attracted to this? So think about the aftermath and impact your daily choices have. Yes the struggles are real, but my post is about the woman, that partner who suffers. Just remember she didn’t ask for this. And to soon realize what Hell will soon feel like.

I’ve been on that receiving end and I wanted to die. I learned that my partner was too involved with protecting his ego and name to care when I was shoving loads of pills down my throat to end that misery. The damage on our end isn’t just something we have to deal with or accept. If you can’t stop bogging at girls in the buff... let your suffering partner go!!

Simple. She doesn’t deserve that!! Don’t keep her in the background because you enjoy the cozy set up of security. You’re living a double life and she deserves better than that!!!

We have a choice, in black and white. No one deserves the horrifying emotions that come with that addiction.

He made me live a lie
by: Anonymous

He knew about his addiction to p*rn before we married, but did not give me the chance to make an informed choice about marrying him. I had two young children, was financially independent and he wanted a ready-made a family. He is a Christian, says constantly that God loves him and gave me to him. So what does God think of me.

He is a doctor yet watches women in pain, being coerced and demeaned. I met him when I was 34, I recently turned 70 and my life is over. He is a compulsive liar. When I was younger I used to beg him for my freedom, while he threaten to take all I had if I left him. I confronted him today and forced him to tell me. I adored sex but he avoided it. He preferred p*rn to holding a real live woman.

It is too late for me to meet someone else. I am bereft.

Lundy Bancroft books...excellent read
by: Gail

The best books to read to help you with this problem are: "Why does he do that?" & "Should I stay or should I go?" by Lundy Bancroft

These books will hit home like nothing else. I wish with all my heart I would have left sooner as there is so much healing that needs to happen.

Viewing X-rated trash, addiction, lies, screaming, gaslighting, horrendous emotional abuse...etc. decades of the same cycle that never stopped. The manipulation was absolutely cruel. Yet, he has the charming and funny personality to fool so many...even the church people. Please read these books ladies they will open your eyes and give you direction.

Been Separated for 2 years
by: Anonymous

Married 30 years and have been separated for 2. The prime reason is that my husband just can't stop getting off to p*rn and images. On the surface, this seems innocent. I mean they are just images. To my husband they became his life He bonded so close to these fantasy girls that he stopped having physical intimacy with me.

I have seen it all. I have been blamed for his behavior, told that I am not lovable and our relationship issues are why he choose this lifestyle. I am 60 now and on my own. It sucks.

From a sorry husband
by: Anonymous

Hello to all of you suffering from the horrible pain of betrayal. My deepest apologies. I am about to lose the very best woman any man could dream of because of my p*rnography addiction and alcoholism. My extreme selfish attitude in life led me to treat the one person I could always count on to love me, protect me, sacrifice for me, as though she didn't have needs, that she was there just to take care of me and that was it. My thoughtless, inconsequential behavior crushed her heart, her self-worth, and her self-esteem.

She is so undeserving of what I put her through. We have been married for 17 years and known each for over 21 years. We were married overlooking the ocean on a beautiful, sunny day. My wife was absolutely gorgeous, as was her little daughter. Despite this, almost immediately, my priorities shifted back to me drinking and lying. The deception started and got worse through the years.

Can You Imagine being raised by a mother that abused you, both psychologically and physically? Progressing through life and having 90% of the men you chose to be with cheating on you? Then finally meeting someone who you thought broke the mold of men and devoting every ounce of your energy and love into this person, even to the point that you would lay your life down for them and then find out that the distant person that you loved so dearly is devoting his time and energy into p*rn and alcohol. And not feeding their relationship like a good man should. Absolutely crushing.

It’s been almost 18 months since discovery, and her pain is just as raw as day 1. It appears as though our marriage is over, so sad, what a waste. A waste on so many levels, I've thrown away the most beautiful love for absolutely nothing, a waste. I've stolen 20 years of my wife's life, she wasted on a piece of trash like me, a waste. I've taken so much from her over the years, love, intimacy, trust. She has always had such a beautiful perspective on things, on life in general. But my disgusting perversions have made their home in her head now, and because of this she'll never be the same. Shame, shame on me, And yet again, what a waste.

I cannot imagine ever being forgiven for such theft. The only thing that I can give her at this point is my absence. Even in my absence she will still be in pain for the rest of her life.

Here is a little advice from my perspective; monitor your significant other's electronics and actions. If you're suspicious, ask them. If your relationship is solid, and you explain yourself honestly, your spouse should understand. If this creates animosity, then I would say that your suspicions are more than likely accurate. How to address the situation is personal, there are a lot of factors that can determine your next step. Primarily, do they take responsibility for their actions? What is he/she willing to do to help you heal? Can you see a future with this person who lied and deceived, who betrayed your trust.

A couple of things that I have done, I’ve got a dumb phone, she can see everything on my work computer (my only computer). She can breathalyze me anytime, day or night. This may help some and maybe not others. Sometimes the past, no matter how hard one tries, cannot be forgotten

I hope that these words can help someone, somehow.

Thank you for reading this. I pray for you all.

Run while you still can
by: Anonymous

I’ve been reading all of these posts. I have been with my husband for many decades. I’m too old now. He slipped up again and mistakenly actually showed me a picture! That led to admitting to more and more. Mixed in with some comments from me, this is a letter I sent him last night. Please excuse the typos. I’m on a very small phone and I’m finding it difficult to see the whole screen.

So many times, he has been "caught." So many times you’ve sworn "even on your relative’s graves" and most recently, my own child who died in his 30’s, and now he swears he’s getting help. He’s even installed parental software on his phone (but not his I-Pad or other devices). He never told me about the "privacy software" he installed on his phone. He claims he has stomach problems and that’s why he spends an hour in the guest bathroom every morning. We have had little to no sex "which I always have to initiate" and he can no longer get hard for me. He has ruined any sex life for me, past, present and future. I got so upset this last "slip up" that I actually wanted to flee, and sold my beautiful home. We bought a dirty fixer-upper. A man in his 60’s looking at this garbage. Yes ladies, run while you are still young enough to have a life.

You:
-threw away my womanhood
-my self-confidence
-self esteem
-38 years of my life

I just don’t know how you could be so cruel.

Sure glad YOU had someone who adored you (or so you thought that a screen could adore you); I wouldn’t know. I thought I did, but never did, so no idea what that’s like. I did everything for you. I worked, gave you all of my paychecks, took care of the kids, kept an absolutely spotless home, had your dinner ready precisely at 6:00 every night and your laundry was always done. What did you do for me? Well, a lot of things actually, but because you were looking at videos of 18 year olds, everything you did for me was just one big lie! You really never wanted to make love to me, and now I know why.

Honestly, I just don’t comprehend, how anyone can "profess love" and hurt another person they say they love, for so many years, over and over again? You always bought me flowers, wrote out nice cards, but since you wanted little teenage girls, it was all just a lie. You never "wanted me." How can someone do that? You had my love, my trust, until I had my accident and became unwillingly dependent upon you, and then you just decided to "absolutely shatter my world." How does someone do that to another person? How?

You can’t and won’t even be honest with me now, even with everything? You just said "you were going to quit." Maybe you should have thought about that 20-25 years ago, when I could have still had a life? You are absolutely "right" in that you have been self-centered, and selfish, because now, my life is pretty much OVER!!! No "do-overs" it’s all been taken away from me! Thank you again for ruining my everything, my life.

You say how much YOU are "hurting." I wish only that you could step into my shoes, and know what "pain and hurt" really feels like. But you can’t & never will because I would never damage another human being the way you had the power to hurt and damage me.

Your little "man’s group" is just another way for you to keep secrets, lie, and hide. You will never be honest with me, or come clean with what you have been doing all these years. Won’t give me the websites. Okay for you though, right? I don’t mean anything to you, never did and never will. Why couldn’t you have just said so?

But, "I am the Bad person" in this farce of a relationship, right? You say I am full of hate, and "ban me" to the bedroom and that "I’m not allowed to talk. You can look and have your smut but I can’t even speak. I guess that has always been "fair" to you. I wish I actually knew what "Love looks Like" I do know now what it doesn’t. I guess I should "thank you" for that.

I know now how much your addiction meant to you. Certainly more than I did. What I don’t understand is the reason you just wouldn’t tell me that years ago. You knew how much I despised it, loathed it, how damaging it was to me, our evidently "fake marriage" but you just wouldn’t stop. Now, in your 60’s, you say "you were starting to feel guilty and were going to quit." Do you even realize how stupid that sounds now?

Why wouldn’t you just tell me that I was living a lie, thinking our marriage was "pretty good?" Having all my friends think that too. I’ve said it from the beginning out in the open,

You really made a Fool out of me!

I don’t truly understand what I did to deserve this?????

The Betrayal that still lives
by: Angela Burchett

My ex-husband putting pictures of me on an adult site without my permission and or the knowledge of him even taking photos of me in the bathtub. I have proof. I wrote into the site and they had to take the photos down.

Betrayed and left extremely messed up to the point I wanted to take my life. He walked away from me when I was in a garage with car started. Luckily I didn't know the gas was almost out so out the window went that plan...

He is this man I never knew and I was with him for 17 years. I am not sure what's wrong with him but he went from army hero in all of our eyes to our worst enemy. My children use to think I was always mad and causing issues. It was when my son started becoming a teenager and his anger was becoming evident. He would look at me with hate. One day I sat them down with my ex there and confessed what I had endured for the last 17 years.

Little did I know the reason my children were so angry is because my ex would go talk to them when I asked him to see if one of them was OK and he would literally tell them lies. He didn't know why I was always upset and made it seem like I was the cause. He was saying things to turn my own children against me.

It doesn't stop there though. So much more to this. I thought this would change my ex. The fact is, he’s seen his kids get mad and give him an ultimatum, but it only got worse. He is literally a monster. Pays for sex and used our last dollars to do this.

He still tells people I won't let him see the kids, but he is in a custody battle with me. Truth is, my children don't want to speak to him and they gave him chance after chance to get help. The truth is I've done everything I can to get him to see what he was doing. To the point I wanted to die and took hit after hit.

He thrives on others thinking it's me and I want the truth to come out. Not for revenge because this has taken a long time to heal from. And even then, I don’t know if I'll ever heal completely. Buy I want to salvage what little of my name I have left.

My ex has made law enforcement and so many people that came into contact with him always believe it was me. I've been arrested when he physically dragged me by a car and the officer seen it. I was charged with an OWI based on his words when I wasn't driving

And the report that I gave when this p*rn thing came out is sitting on the DA's desk and I keep calling and asking if they are going to charge him. I don't get call backs or even the courtesy of the victim witness to call me back. I've reported this to the attorney general recently, but it probably won't matter.

My reputation is that crazy because of him. And because he is the veteran hero... I am scum in their eyes. I don't think anyone will ever know how it is to feel trapped in the image that isn't true and let this man still trash my name along with his family. It's the worst feeling and horror in my life.

Thank You

Angelita B.

No one abuses something they love. Period.
by: Anonymous

Since we are taught as women to make it better, we consider their p*rn use as a reflection on how much they love us! It does not resemble or feel like love. A man who loves his wife would not create their own version of marriage.

It has taken 18 months of my husband’s lies and omission to see the light. I would advise every women facing this issue to invest in blind-software for all of your devices. You will know everything he is doing. Go ahead and watch one only one of his videos and understand we have no control, ability to change, nor did we cause this.

If you decide he’s worth saving, please put the responsibility of his bad character out where others can see it. Treat the smut he watches like the other women. Let him know you will post links to the sites he likes on social media, tell his family and post his disregard for normal life. FYI electronics don’t work once they are submerged.

Kathleen

There is no hope
by: Laura

All four of my long term relationships have had some level of p*rn*graphy addiction. I am now convinced nearly all men have this. I have yet to meet one personally who doesn't.

When I finally escaped first marriage (his viewing habit was really perverted) after 9 years, I married a disabled man hoping it would bring me safety. It did not. Months after getting married I discovered his online activity where he was watching videos involving children being spanked and he was posing on parenting forums to talk in detail about spanking children. I confronted him and he threatened to bash my head with a hammer and attempted to crush me behind a door. I stayed another 3 years, with him promising to stop and allowing me to monitor him online, only to have him repeatedly weasel his way around it.

After finally leaving, I met yet another addict. This one was mentally ill. He forced me for over a year to take 10's of thousands of raunchy pics and videos of him to post online, and would get violent if I refused. On top of that, he wanted to be intimate with me every single day and would resort to rape if I refused. Again I left and stupidly had hope of finding a normal partner. I didn't.

I found yet another addict. We had been living together for less than two weeks before I found out he was soliciting hookers online, sleeping with three of his exes regularly and was hooking up with any random women he could find. I didn't confront him till I had more proof, which took a couple of months. By the time I confronted him, there were at least 8 women he'd cheated with.

He insisted he didn't want to be with anyone else, insisted he had an addiction and wanted help. I tried helping him. He continued spending up to 4 hours a day in the john so he could watch the filth on his phone and browse for cheating opportunities. His friends were encouraging him to cheat and they would go to the "gentlemen's" club together. He eventually started going to therapy and he stopped with the p*rn and the cheating, distanced himself from his awful friends. However, despite it being three years since the cheating and two years p*rn free, I still do not trust him, nor do I feel I could ever trust another person so long as I live. I've gotten to the point where if I so much as smell something fishy going on with him, I'm out. Permanently. I will never EVER allow another person into my life.

Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you to everyone who posts on this forum. It is comforting to know that there others are out there that share and understand your pain.

Thank you Anonymous
by: Anonymous

Thanks so much for sharing your story, and I am happy that you have rid yourself of the number one problem in your life. These men are so low, and I can't get that they fuel their existence by getting off on young girls.

I can't imagine what it would be like to find child p*rnography, but I do not doubt I would eventfully find it if I looked harder.

You are spot on with your assessment of these men who devour women's bodies like trash.

All we can hope is that the next generations can use their intelligence, common sense and empathy to keep them and others from hurting the ones they are meant to love.

These men never change and if they say they have - they are lying - who would have thought.

Ladies, take care of you and the genuine people in your lives.

To All
by: Anonymous

This is my opinion. Significant others/spouses/boyfriends who chronically use this filth:

1. Lie through their teeth. The biggest is to keep their mouth shut and hide. Omission is still a boldface lie. To lie by omission is to remain silent and thereby withhold from someone else a vital piece (or pieces) of info. The silence is deceptive in that it gives a false impression to the person from whom the information is withheld.

It subverts the truth; it is a way to manipulate someone into altering their behavior to suit the desire of the person who intentionally withheld the vital information; and, most importantly, it's a gross violation of another person's right of self-determination.

YOU ARE BEING MANIPULATED AND DENIED YOUR RIGHT TO SELF DETERMINATION.

2. Gaslight. Gaslighting is a tactic to defer blame to you, to something else, or to whatever. Classic line is something along the lines of: "BUT, I have NEEDS." This type of behavior is not a NEED.

YOUR ABUSER IS GASLIGHTING YOU.

3. Have altered their brains to desire fake pixels on a screen. Understand this....no matter if you are the sexiest woman alive, YOU WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH because it is impossible for you to have 20 tabs open of yourself, doing whatever sick thing he wants, and doing it immediately. I know it is hard to not feel bad about yourself (too old, too fat, etc.) but the truth is that he is addicted to a pure fantasy. No person would ever be good enough.

4. I have many decades on this planet. I often wondered how an innocent baby or child can grow up to be a "dirty old man", a child abuser, or turn gay when they weren't gay. IT IS P*RN. The dopamine rush these addicted people get is too much for their brains, so they get sensitized to the dopamine (much like drug users always need more and more) and at the same time, get desensitized to more sick stuff. Many start out watching ordinary sex and end up watching more and more explicit and perverted things.

It is a rare addict of any substance that recovers. It takes a lot of effort and a lot of truth. It is not easy.

That being said, I just kicked my husband to the curb. We have been married almost 2 years and p*rn has been there the whole time. He lied. He covered it up. I busted him. I sent him to the doctor. He got a psychologist. He entered a 12 step program. His psychologist just kicked him to the curb for the 3rd time for not working the "program".

I reported him to the police for possession of child p*rn on disk. They did nothing.

In the end, people do what they really want to do, no matter the consequences. What I had to decide was: Am I going to live with this manipulative jerk? I tried to help, but in the end, he chose not to help himself.

He had a choice. Well, honey, I also have a CHOICE!!

Sexting
by: Anonymous

I saw on my husband’s cell a reply from one off his crack wh*res. She said she doesn’t have a phone. I asked him who he was asking for and he finally told me it was this person’s friend. I asked why he wants her phone number and he said for someone to talk to! I said what about me? Then I asked if was to talk dirty, he said maybe!!! I flipped out! He’s done this before. He not only has an addiction to drugs he has an addiction to sex! He has ED. I don’t know if it has anything to do with it because he can’t do anything with me? Or it’s just…..I don’t know! It DRIVES ME CRAZY!

My fiancé doesn't look at me or want to touch me anymore
by: Anonymous

Hi! I'm here because I’ve been with my fiancé for almost 3 years! I had an open mind to be okay with adult videos, but we both needed to do it together not apart! He says it's just a game. It's not a game! He goes on sites every day and gets off to them! Maybe they are attractive, maybe he feels pleasured with what he views! I cry everyday and feel horrible, ugly, fat, and disgusting, like I’m not woman enough to please him. This is very painful and it's the worse pain I can feel!

He thinks watching this stuff is not cheating! Okay it might not be, who knows! All I know is it was very hurtful the first time around. I’m so sick of this BS! Once again he started, and I sleep on bathtub where I feel comfortable because I don’t feel fully comfortable with him! When I want to be intimate with him he doesn't want it. I believe he lost his love and interest in me! I need help with a therapist! I'm very lost, like I don't know where to stand! We lost our connection and I can't feel his love for me! I cry every night, even when I’m out, I cry!

Lying and secrecy
by: Anna

I have a boyfriend who, near the beginning of our relationship, admitted that he participated in watching p*rn and that he was addicted to it. We did have a discussion on the issue and I made it very clear that I felt uncomfortable with his addiction. So after several times of his slip ups and me finding out he had watched it, I finally started to get fed up. It really hurts me that he wants to continue doing this, even after he told me he wants to quit.

He lies to me sometimes and does it behind my back. Several times I have told him that if he has a slip up, he can talk to me about it and I won’t be angry, and that I will do everything I can to help. But every time I find out he does it behind my back, it hurts more and more. He even agreed to let me put parental controls on his phone because he wanted to quit that badly. But I found on his Xbox later on that he used Microsoft edge to look at nasty sites. I’m so tired of the lies and the hurt all the time. I feel like this is ultimately going to destroy our relationship. I’m on the brink of just breaking up with him, it hurts so much. What should I do??

Men and Women
by: NoMoreTrust

As I see, it seems that it's a societal issue that includes both men and women. I'm not an expert of any kind. But I end up thinking that over-materialistic world, with all its impossible standards and its attraction for the "fake", is part of the root of the problem. As if people can't be satisfied with "natural" people, "natural" sexuality, "natural" beauty. And it runs to its fall through its obsession for youth and its denial of the natural seasons of life.

P*rn offers an escape from reality with its eternal youth, fake models and fake beauty, and most of all: no interaction, no compromise, and no involvement. That's deeply egoistic, and at the same time, deeply sad, because it reveals people who are not at ease with the nature of human relationships, and the nature of the human body.

My humble two cents...

I need answers
by: Nikki

I have been with my lesbian lover for almost 13 years now. She proposed this past July and to be honest I felt like the real definition of true love. Until I pick her phone up one day after a message came through, only to find myself going through her photo gallery (I don't ever go through her phone) nor do I think any cheating is going on. But what I do find to my surprise is a X-rated video of 2 lesbians... weird because it's saved to her photos...So I asked her what the f*** is this.. And she told me that she from time to time watches this stuff to get new ideas for sex.

I'm all for it, the only problem is she HAS NOT TRIED ANY new stuff with me, much less even initiated having sex with me... Since then I find her watching these kind of videos without me and I need to know why not just have sex with me or better yet stop watching it if you know it hurts my feelings.

Please Heed this Advice!
by: Broken and Betrayed

Yesterday I came home to find my husbands "work" laptop left home accidentally…and I am sick beyond belief. Multiple disgusting sites open…I am physically traumatized right now… I have been a mother to this "man's" son for over 15 years and we also have 2 daughters together… We have had serious problems over p*rn before, all the same lies everyone here talks about, endless promises and lies, yet somehow I always could convince myself he was different and his tears were sincere… but this is the sick stuff he continues to watch?

Is this something he fantasizes about of his own son and me? What about his daughters? I’m physically ill over it and came to also find prostitution ads open, and a chat site, and I am now in the position of combing through bank and credit card statements to find what else awaits me…not to mention doctor visits too? God help me. As I have heard many say, these men are beyond help, and very, very damaged and sick individuals. I hate myself for believing him when I should have left 5+ years ago, and for all the stress and heartache and years he’s taken for simply to satisfy his own urges. Look at all the pain here, these men are garbage and I’m getting out, to teach my daughters self-respect and I will NOT filter the reason why.

If he is lying about it, he’s addicted, and you are in for an avalanche of pain that may roll slowly, but it’s getting bigger and will overtake you one day. Heed the warnings early.

So utterly sad - but there is hope!
by: Hugh Houston

I too was addicted to these immoral videos. I too hurt my wife more than I will ever be able to understand. Yet I found freedom and we have rebuilt our marriage.

I wrote a short book with a desire to help others find freedom and a new life.
https://www.amazon.com/JESUS-BETTER-THAN-PORN-Confessed-ebook/dp/B07DMF6ZQS

Runnnnn, Runnnnn very far away
by: Anonymous

I DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER WAY TO EXPRESS THIS...If he has lied about watching this trash once, run the opposite direction. Leave, you are better off alone. Take this from a woman married for over 20 years to one, it is too late for me.....RUN AWAY!! You will not change him, nothing you say will change him. You will be left an emotionally, physically, mentally empty shell of a person full of hate, bitterness and resentment. You will be emotionally abused to the point of nothingness, you will lose your self-worth, your value, self-esteem, etc. Please heed this warning and if you don't, don't say I didn't tell you so.

I lost my wife
by: Anonymous

Tonight I lost. Tonight I lost my wife because of p*rn and photos of other women and comments that I made, treating women like one of the dudes. She has given up a lot to bring her and her daughter down here with me. And I ruined it with lies.

I never looked at this sort of thing as an addiction. But maybe I was wrong because it ended my first marriage. It started because my first wife was accusing me of cheating and then I started to look at explicit videos even more because of the lack of intimacy in our marriage.

Now I’ve let my bad habits ruin my good marriage. I was lying, being deceitful, and selfish; I know that I have a lot of things to fix.

I was never honest with myself or her. Thinking that I could willingly do it and stop. For 10 months I was doing a good job and then in April, I slipped back into my old habits. Before I had over 200 photos and videos of everything saved. After we were married she said if I need to release myself then to do it. And before that, when she said no sex before marriage. It didn’t sit well with me, and then I went back to it.

I have had accounts that these types of sites before. And she would ask me when the last time I got-off was and I’ll tell her with the video from this one site. When she told me that sometimes she’ll watch this sort of videos as well. But I took it overboard and it has brought her to feel shame about her body (which I think her body is beautiful the way it is). Again I was being selfish and I never considered her feelings.

She was right that it would take her leaving me in order for me to change my ways and get better. But I have lied and brought so much pain to her. That it was tearing her apart. And when I get stressed out, my outlet was the gyms or sex or sometimes taking a walk. When she gave me a chance to be honest, time and time again I lied about it because of the shame and embarrassment. Now I have damaged her for life and she doesn’t want me to touch her or hold her anymore. Telling me good luck and good bye and wishing me luck on my third marriage. It hasn’t been 30 days and I have already caused damage that should not have happened. But it did and now I’ve lost the best loving wife. All because I just want to do what I want, be selfish, and hardheaded.

I have to do better. I’m still praying that she doesn’t divorce me. I want to see our daughter even though she’s not blood related. I call her mine. I want my wife to stay and show her that I’m doing better than before physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. And she said that she used to work in mental health and doesn’t have the will to deal with an addiction. I hope and pray that she finds the strength. If not, then I’ll have to keep being strong for the both of us and hope that I can prove myself and let it be enough.

19 years married to an addict
by: Anonymous

I have been married for over 19 years to a man with a p*rn addiction. He always says he's sorry when he's caught and hasn't done it regularly. That each time I catch him is the only times he watches it. Well, he made a trip out of state the day after hearing his mother was dying and watched it in the hotel after his male friend who drove him fell asleep. Multiple times. If he can watch it in a room with a man one bed over while his mom is dying, it is far worse than I could have imagined. I feel nothing I am just tired of it all.

To Andrew
by: Emma

Thank you Andrew for your honesty. I wish you all the best.

My husband of over 40 years not only looks at p*rn but gets pictures of the crack Hoes he hangs with. This bothers me the most because it’s people he gets high with. He gives them money for the pics. I would rather he look at p*rn, although that’s what he’s says it is.

Insight
by: Andrew

Hi Anonymousemma,

Certainly your feelings are similar to many women that post on here and those feelings of my wife. She feels betrayed, she's hurt and grieving a life lost. It's not easy for her to pick herself up, and look forward to the future with what she has experienced - lies, gaslighting, I am only now beginning to understand the mental anguish and strain I have put her under. So yes, your feelings and all women's feelings are valid.

I don't think men appreciate or understand these feelings. The themes posted by different women on here are very similar. Men in denial, saying it's not that bad, it means nothing, it's the women that have the problem. NO!! No matter how bad a marriage, no matter how depressed, anxious etc. a man may be there is no excuse for turning to p*rn. It takes a lot of work for men to put themselves in the shoes of the women they are hurting and understand their perspective.

I originally thought the problem would be solved if I stopped looking at it. But it wasn't. I didn't understand the damage I had caused and 4 years later my wife and I (we are separated) are still working through that damage, 20 years of lies, not being emotionally there for her, bad investment decisions (made behind her back) that put us in $500K debt - no matter how many years I am away from it, trust has been irreparably broken.

It has taken my wife to educate me, but even that has come at a considerable cost as she spent years researching to find answers to the question 'Why?'. I truly believe I owe her a lot, she has lost her health, she has no energy to work or enjoy life and be the mum she was and should be to our children.

I'm not sure what you mean when you ask 'Would you explain the reason?' I think you may be asking why men look at adult videos and pictures in the first place? If so, I think that question has many layers and is not an easy one to answer. But I do know it is addictive, impacting the neural pathways in similar ways drugs or gambling do / does.

If I could have my time again, knowing what I know now, I would never, ever look at p*rn, I would take good care of my wife and honor our wedding vowels and cherish her forever. As I reach 50 years of age I've learnt my lessons the hard way, my biggest fear (and regret) is growing old and not having family around me, not having that tight family unit that I destroyed. I wish men would understand the toxic impacts of p*rnography, for those in the industry, for families and how this filters into our society influencing our vulnerable and impressionable young generations.

So yes, your feelings are real, you have every right to feel the way you do, and any man that refuses to do the work and truly understand the damage p*rn causes and their actions is not a man worth staying with.

For “perfect doll”
by: Blue

Your story is proof positive that it is not about what you’re doing, or not doing, how you look, how thin or full you are, how many times a week (or in your case, HOURS!) you "give it to him" or any of the other excuses men use to throw the blame back on a woman and use the psychological technique of gaslighting for their obsessions and addiction.

Please also remember "these wh*res" aren’t doing anything to him, he is seeking them out, and with every click contributing to an industry that traffics children and teens. These women didn’t marry you and stand next to you in church reciting vows to honor you. Your husband DID vow to honor and respect you, and is doing everything to disrespect, degrade, and attempt to humiliate you. I’m saying this not to be cruel to you, but for you to understand righteous anger and see this for what it is, which can be SO painful, but even more painful when you aren’t being honest with yourself, as he is not being honest with you.

From experience, I also say to you that I think if you dig deeper, you are going to find more that he is hiding. So I encourage you to get smart without him knowing.

I’m sorry this happened to you too, you CERTAINLY are not alone.

I can't be his perfect doll
by: Anonymous

My husband has always been very particular about what I wear, which has never bothered me because I want him to find me attractive. But I just stumbled upon his "spank bank" of filth on his laptop and I am appalled and humiliated that he has me dressing up just like these skanks. I had no idea. From my long acrylic nails to heavy makeup, now I know all of this is some kind of fetish to him. Now I know why he has been hinting around about me getting breast implants. He is trying to turn me into one of his p*rno skanks!!! I am so disgusted with him. I really like my weekly mani/pedi appts and various beauty routines, but now they are permanently associated in my head with his nasty habit. I have always given him sex and never once said no. He has an excessive sex drive too, where he pleads with me about needing release every 12 hours and I have never once withheld because I do my duty as a Christian wife. But here he is chatting to these family-destroying wh*res online who just want to bring him down to Satan’s level. I am broken. I have done everything he has asked, played out every one of his fantasies, stayed thin, been his perfect Trophy Wife at church, and now this is what I get in return. A slap in the face. I am as exchangeable as any of those sl-ts he gets off to. I am so tired Lord.

Reply to Andrew
by: NoMoreTrust

Thank you for your brilliant insight.

I hear you when you say that many women don't want to talk about men's depression. I don't know why, however, that it's a selfish human thing (kinda "don't darken my blue sky with your dark clouds"). People are afraid of what could make them uncomfortable. That's sad, because it may be selfish and deprives the individuals of learning from the darker side of life. Life is balance between light and darkness... but that's another topic.

I'm not sure if men are to blame, or if it's rather the mainstream culture itself: publicity, marketing, movie industry, music industry... everything is so hypersexualized! So much, that the "thing" itself loses its mystery in vulgarity. Everyone is exposed to "what a woman should look like", it's engraved deeply in the minds at a very young age. Why do I speak about the beauty standards? Because it's deeply linked to the X-rated industry.

My ex was drooling on pictures and adult movie actresses, telling me that if I had my brain+their body, I would be perfect. What a hurtful thing to say... He said that he was looking at women like "beautiful objects", and that I was a psycho if I was mad about it. We came to therapy, and the therapist (a man), didn't grasp where the issue was. "But it's natural, everyone does that"... I broke up shortly after, and decided that I'm done with relationships.

Even when we are more into subcultures, alternative kind of ways, kinda rebel, we are all "contaminated": because it's everywhere, therefore that's how it is. However, I'm reassured that people like you, Andrew, see and think so clearly about the topic. I know there are good people, good men, and good women. I believe the world is sick. It doesn't excuse narcissist behaviors, but it brings some compassion to people who make mistakes and then, regret and fix them.

Insight
by: Anonymousemma

To Andrew, thank you for your honesty. Congratulations on 4 yrs. free of the smut.
Could you or would you enlighten us women on Why?
You’ve read what and how it makes us feel, is there any truth to our feelings?
Would you explain the reason?

Are they all really like this?
by: Andrew

This is an excellent question, one worth posing and definitely worthy of a considered answer. As a male, with a history of this type of addiction, my immediate response is one of defensiveness, certainly not I think! But, on deeper reflection, I can honestly say I really don't know, however the statistics (and my own personal experience) would suggest this issue is very widespread.

I can very clearly articulate the damage p*rn addiction does, how it tears families apart, destroys individuals and leaves women vulnerable and untrusting for the rest of their lives. Part of the issue is, I think, similar to the stigma depression had 10 years ago (man up, it's not that bad etc.). Men do not talk about this. My friends know my story and do not bring the subject up. And I know that many women do not want to talk about this topic either.

Yet I cannot imagine a scenario where a women would treat a man in that way, an object, a lesser human being, putting themselves first, gaslighting and lying to protect their dirty (big) secret at all costs.

The question posed 'Are they all really like this?' really got me thinking this morning and awoke a thought sitting deep at the back of my mind. All the major advocates of anti-p*rnography are women. From Exodus Cry, Culture Reframed, Trafficking Hub, Fight the New Drug and, here in Australia, Collective Shout - all run by women.

These organizations are brilliant, relying on public donations and working tirelessly to raise awareness of the real issues across addiction, the normalization of adult content, the impact on our children in a digital age and bringing about real change. However, where are the men? Are they too busy consuming this 'product', are they in denial, or are they simply ignorant (or scared / ashamed) - is it someone else's problem? My view is that this is a collective problem and men must take equal responsibility for making real and sustained change.

So, as a former p*rn addict (almost 4 years 'clean') how can I use my story, and share my experience to raise awareness amongst men, to get them talking, understanding the many, many layers to this issue and effect real change? I'm not sure what it looks like, but I certainly want to make up for the damage I've caused to my now broken family and extended family.

I do feel for all the women posting here - you are all here for a reason and I understand your pain. I think we have a long, long way to go and in many respects I think the effort needs to be targeted to our younger generations, respect, love, trust - all values that p*rn destroy.

I am only one man, speaking from experience and from my heart, I hope I can make some small change in this world that influences the answer to the question 'Are they all like this?' from probably to no.

Self worth
by: NoMoreTrust

Hi,

It's been 4 years now, or so that I've followed this thread, after breaking up with my very last boyfriend (fiancé) because of his vulgar addiction. I never stopped to read the comments on this website.

Even after 4 years, I'm still working on the damages to my self-worth. I had five "long term" relationships in my life, and in all of them there was the same issue: I was not enough - not beautiful enough, not sexy enough, not what they expected about a female partner. I was too blind to realize how superficial they were, lacking knowledge, experience and vocabulary to target the issue and to put everything in perspective. I was very naive, even stupid.

With all of these men, I tried everything. I learned to be a people pleaser. I had a good basis already, having been bullied for 10 years at school when I was younger. I know now that people pleasers are completely disrespected and disregarded, it doesn't work, even more so in a relationship. Whatever I did, I was never enough. They all made it very loud and clear, regularly.

All of them: p*rn addiction, collection of pictures of sexy women, exotic dancers and for some, prostitutes and "massage parlors"... I was lucky to not catch any disease from these partners, because the last one (I trusted so much), he called his prostitutes his "friends" and was glad about the perspective to introduce me to them...

After that, I met a good person, generous and kind, in his 50s, who lived with his mother all his life and assisted through her dementia until the end. No life experience, extreme shyness, therefore an addiction to p*rnography instead of learning to build real relationships.

As I said, he has a lot of good sides as a friend, nice conversations about arts, music and bird watching and photography. But we don't talk about his addiction. He knows this thing broke me in the past. He knows what I think about it. His private life is his, and mine is mine. And we don't go there.

I hear about women, like "Lady in Sheets", who try to get along, thinking that they will assure the longevity of their relationship... I would say, they believe they will keep their partner's interest doing so. It doesn't work like that. These men get bored, they want always more and they come to the point where their wife is not enough. They want "diversity". Some try "open relationships", and they end up falling in love with another partner...

I still struggle to build my self-worth. Even as an "alternative" kind of person, "non-conformist", I shouldn't give a damn about other people's opinion. And yet... When all you've ever know were men who disregarded you, growing older you come to a point of not trusting anymore.

Are they all really like that?

Lady in Sheets, I’m sorry for you, truly
by: Blue

Why should you cater to his fantasies anyway? What happens when his fantasies begin to involve more and more dangerous behaviors? And why would any woman want to feed and partake in such a sick industry? I honestly question if that post was written by a woman…

Just because someone’s standards and morals are in the gutter, it doesn’t mean you have to meet them there in the filth to try to get your "needs" met. It does sound codependent in the extreme, and my heart goes out to her, because she’s on the slippery slope now that usually ends badly.

To “Lady in Sheets”
by: Anonymous

The problem comes when your "man" prefers p*rn over a "real" woman (like his wife) and can no longer perform. It may be fine now, but a few years down the road you find yourself in a sexless marriage and in your 50’s or 60’s. Too late to start over at that point. Everybody gets old. Good luck …

RE: Lady in sheets
by: Anonymous

We shouldn't be offended that our male partners objectify women, support an industry that abuses women and children, glorifies violence against women, and are selfish and perverted? Maybe YOU need to set higher standards for yourself. You sound codependent and like you're trying to rationalize his damaging behavior. I just bet that if he started seeing prostitutes you'd find a way to rationalize that too.

Still new
by: Emma

Lady in sheets, you’re still new at it. Wait until you’ve been married over 20 yrs. Then let us know how it is. Hopefully it won’t change for you. Sometimes what he watches only gets worse and he wants this garbage more than you. Then it becomes an addiction.

My REPLY 🥰
by: LadyinSheets

Ladies I may be the first wife to say this, but 90% of men watch adult videos. It’s just in their DNA. My husband was into this before I ever got in a relationship with him. Once he was comfortable, he let me into his "fantasies." Ladie,s most of the time it’s just a fantasy. My husband told me a long time ago that fantasy’s will always be better than the reality. Don’t be offended by the fact that he watches it, why don’t you try to indulge with him a little and go into his world. This is how me and my husband became one sexually.

We have been together 6 years, married a year and half and let me say it’s not all peaches and pies, times are hard in the bedroom scene during marriage. We have come up with different ways for the both of us that works.

Don’t beat yourself up about your husband or boyfriend watching these types of videos, I have found it to be pretty normal for all ages of men to watch it all the time.

Learn how to mesh with your partners needs and they will do the same for you ❤

No Men of Character Left
by: Blue

After reading Jennifer’s post a few down, I felt very sad for the mindset that women adopt to help them cope with their husband’s betrayal. I do understand it, as I do the same thing myself for now, as I save money and make plans. After finding my 54 year old husband’s history on his phone, I went to these retched sites and it seems to me about 70% of this utter filth is in some way INCEST related. WHY? They are obviously catering to men, by far their biggest demographic, what does this say about our "men"?? If it was just about seeing random people having sex, why this pervasive storyline?? And for a woman to say that the only way she can keep her "loyal and faithful man" is to allow him to engage in watching this? WHY?

Is it worth keeping these low energy sick men around? I ask this for myself just as much, trust me. How disgusting men are. I see a lot of women here saying they are going to find a "better man." From what I’ve seen in my 50 years of life, I gotta say, just be okay with being alone, there really ARENT ANY that aren’t touched by this…don’t believe me? Ask ANY man (not your own, he’ll lie to you until you catch him).They’ll tell you they "ALL DO IT, men are just different and have different needs." Sadder still is when women parrot this line because it’s the best we can hope for (again, I get it). I’m personally finding it much healthier to be away from male energy altogether.

Liar and deceitful
by: Anonymous

Been married 6 months now. He is an ex-druggie and I helped him through all of this. He comes home tonight for me to fix his phone cause his music won’t play. I look on google chrome, only to find adult sites again, when he told me he would never do it again. I'm disappointed and just hurt that he wanted to lie, saying it's just popping up on his internet on the phone...I'm not that stupid, I told him try again...he left for work and called and I know the truth he just didn’t want to tell me. Finally he tells me he did, but it doesn't mean anything.

SMH...I'm so over this I could be with someone who desires only me, not something that can’t feel or touch...he says it's because we have been arguing...really!! That's what makeup-sex is dummy. I'm done with the lies and betrayal that he gives me. He knows I will leave and won’t bat an eye in tears. Because I'm worth more than that. I'm setting myself up for a divorce I know it. He doesn't care as long as he has this garbage to entertain him. One day maybe he will grow into a man. He should realize what if you logged on there one day and found your daughter doing something like that, you going to continue watching it...his responded my daughter will never do things like that. Smh, he is so obviously to the nasty truth the world holds.

Determined woman!!! That's who I am and no women should feel like less of one because of your man is doing this bs. The regrets will follow them to their grave. We are all queens and deserve a king. I'm looking for mine. Because I'm not settling for the jester. Good luck ladies and gentlemen. Rule your world, don't let them rule you..

Serious Problem
by: Anonymous

First husband in his early 30's had a problem - no sex – he went to X Rated movies without me and came home and broke my jaw. Eight weeks of having my mouth wired shut plus 35 years of off and on counseling. Divorced after 2.5 years of accident. He never stopped – starting cheating with anyone and no longer cared about his family.

Second Husband - Ugly as hell but I loved him because he was a very nice man and good to me. He's been 28 years into the smut that I know about. I've seen so many things. Sexless marriage for 19 years now. He is 70 and paying money all over the world to view this trash while I work a 40 hour per week job. Leave now if you have this problem. Don't wait like I did as it destroys you.

Removal of evil
by: Anonymous

If every X-rated movie star stopped doing their job, and no one ever decided to act in these movies ever again, we would remove the very platform to blame that promotes child sex trafficking. No adult industry = saving a child's life.

....hope..
by: Anonymous

This horrible addiction... destroys the hope in marriage. Marriage failure is the very root of most global issues we are facing.

Patterns
by: Anonymous

Firstly, my reply came from scrolling all the way down forcefully to the bottom of this page. It took me almost 50 posts from others to notice the pattern.

Secondly, I am shocked - because I thought I was alone in my own inner dialog battle in terms of dealing with someone who just... prefers a life of lies, lust, disrespect not only for me but for himself, violence, and some of the freaking worse low, low, low vibrations on this planet.

The pattern: Men (not all - but a majority) and perhaps many women - don't know how to be good men. I don't say this to be this strong feminist energy either. If this trash has been around for ages and via technology; has only become more available to all classes, races, etc. - the opportunity has only revealed that which history has reported through generations, cultures, etc.

Perhaps this behavior in men, as the man so declares when caught in action - is as they say, "I am only a man" - thus men curse their own selves from their divinity, leaving not only themselves to a lower life form way of living - but their family naturally lives upset as their genetic natural inclination is to look to their man (dad, brother, husband) to be an example of leadership. A king. A king who chooses not to be a king - but essentially sabotages all of that including their kingdom. Pattern. Read it here - reply after reply. And women put up with this BS because she just loves their husband soooo much. .....a big eye opener.

Pattern. Wives see themselves differently from the women their husbands are watching. So let’s say - this way with p*rn is true because men have not evolved when it comes to any reptilian desire to get their jollies off - be it when driving, on the couch when children are home, hiding etc. They will do what they have to do no matter the cost. Women against women - is this not also a historical pattern we play out - that fuels men's behavior?

I don't say this either from the perspective of wives being ok with p*rn stars. I am saying this to the very act of laziness my husband is committing by watching this filth; has in fact found an equivalency of laziness to the easy money or self-esteem the industry brings to people who choose to engage in it via a career. The selfishness my husband engages in is the same as the selfishness of my fellow sister who says "eh - let me not be aware of the impact my work ethic has on a society" Oh no you wouldn't ask yourself how am I contributing to a better society. Nope - instead it doesn't bother you, the marriages that might be broken over the "finding out"...or the violence - lies - deception occurring.

It doesn't even cross your mind that a fellow sister could be going crazy and questioning her worth. Her worth as the woman who spent so much energy to get to know her husband in such a way you would never not. Her worth as a woman who carried his child. While pregnant and scared - felt like the most hideous thing because she found out his secret.

Secrets against sisters you have made your money, or your esteem. Pattern, violence within women – unevolutionized men.

I understand other women
by: Anonymous

My husband would watch this vile content that featured teenage girls (amongst other hideous genres) - he is 50. I can't connect with anyone on that level of low substance. P*rn dehumanizes people. So this is about us; it is about everyone. It is about our values and our morals, and who we are as people. It is about future generations. The many women on this forum all have similar stories to mine and understand that p*rn does not create love, intimacy, respect or beautiful relationships.

Much of it is degrading to women; it promotes violence towards women and children. It is racist. And it is ruining people’s lives.

Jennifer, I am so pleased that your relationship has worked and that you are with a man you consider to be wonderful. And I am glad that p*rn has faded out in your relationship as it once damaged your connection, and it ruined your husband's prior relationships – I hope you can dig a little deeper to understand the women on this forum. These women get the bigger picture.

The bottom line is that to see another human being as an object, something you can get off to for your own enjoyment, ultimately dehumanizes those individuals.

Wonderful men???
by: Robin

How is a man who gets off on this smut all the time and other women, a wonderful MAN?

NOPE
by: Emma

It is personal when the videos are from someone he knows and hangs out with!!! That would be my husband!

I don't understand other women
by: Jennifer

My fiance is addicted to internet p*rn. I didn't know. All I knew is our sex life was suffering. I told him I knew there was something standing between us. He gave me excuses like he was too tired to fool around. Yeah too tired of entertaining himself. I finally busted him by his Google activity. I traced the dates to dates he rejected my advances. I confronted him, and he confessed. He was holding that secret as it ruined his other relationships.

Ladies... your man watching this stuff has nothing to do with you. My man and I enjoy a very adventurous time in the bedroom, so it isn't due to a lack of action in real life… everything isn't about us. I asked my fiance to let me share his p*rn times. He did and now he doesn't go to the adult sites without an offer for me to join him. I even studied what he watched and from there found several clips to send to him that I watch his natural reaction to. We have now been married 4 years and sex is better than ever and we are closer for it. The risqué videos are barely used anymore.

He is a good man and I tried to understand him and to be a part of his sexual routine. Throwing a wonderful man like him away for some stupid reason like he has a high sex drive would be stupid in my eyes. I was lucky my guy came clean with me. I will never forget the look of relief on his face when he got his "big secret" off his chest. Even though it was a hard time for both of us, as stupid as it sounds, we were instantly reassured and bonded more over this silly thing.

Stand by your man and it will pay off. Remember it is not about you, it is about him, he is a man and he has different needs than women. Show him how good of a woman you are by supporting him and if he is a good man he will be loyal and faithful. But ladies, think about your decision to punish your man, starting over with somebody new who may be an even bigger hedonist than what you have now. If they just watch videos and don’t act out by cheating, the man is being faithful to you and himself.

Good for the Gander
by: Anonymous

I've dealt with & felt the same betrayal & pain. At the point now that hurting him as he's hurt me is the BEST thing possible.

Nope
by: Anonymous

In the story below, the woman has it wrong, she compared texting and flirting with other men the same as looking at p*rn... but flirting is worse because you are actually connecting with someone else in some way, p*rn is impersonal.

Revenge Can be Empowering!
by: Christie

After 4 years of severe gaslighting and lies, and the accompanying PTSD and emotional trauma that comes with it, I have learned a few things I would like to share:
- once the problem is entrenched, 99% of the time it isn't going away NO MATTER WHAT...they only get better at hiding it.

-If something feels off, it probably is. Trust your gut; and look back on the guidance it's given you and use it in the future, don't discount it anymore.

-Set aside savings/assets for yourself, no matter how small, beginning today. Learn how to hide things too, but productive things for yourself!!

-Revenge can be an extremely empowering tool (may be un-pc, but that doesn't mean it isn't true)...however that looks for you. For me, I started texting a male friend and am enjoying the attention and flirtation, and feel VERY empowered that I NOW HAVE a little secret too, that gives ME a high!! And he can be played the fool NOW! If my husband finds out? I'll just say "everybody does it, it's no big deal, it wasn't physical...AND! I promise to NEVER do it again!! (Sound familiar lol?)

Actually, I'm always flirting now, just to feel the power of it, and I make it a point to discreetly do it when I'm out with him, so he can then deal with all the men looking at me. All I can say is that at least I'm not pants down, getting off to trafficked underage teens, I'm in the real world doing this, and for now, the power feels awesome. Feeling deceived, powerless, and like your whole life (21 years married) was a lie, and the betrayal that comes with that, well, there's no better way to reclaim some of that than with...revenge.

I'd honestly suggest some of you try it, even if you end up leaving, you'll know before you left that your husband knows some of the pain firsthand!

This filth is his preference
by: Kathleen

I spent 18 months promoting his therapy after catching him. He has lied and omitted everything.

I spent 6 months in therapy also, but soon realized everyone wanted me to just forgive him. I do not believe that this is an addiction. I believe these men are mentally insufficient, immature emotionally, and selfish to a fault. They have bits of narcissism and withholding behaviors. Men do this because they can, because it’s easy and better than dealing with a real women.

There were so many red flags… why did I marry him? He had paid a prostitute earlier in this life, went to men's clubs, I threw out 25 to 50 well-read playboy magazine’s before we got married.

We have been married 31 years, now I am in the position of having to take care of him as he is sick physically. He knows I am creeped out by him and prefer to withhold from him because I would die if he touched me. I feel stuck and when he passes I wonder what I will feel, if anything.

Thanks for listening.

Seen too much to say it’s ok,
Kathleen

I’m tired of the deception.
by: Anonymous

I just discovered this site. My husband and I have been together for 14 years. Recently, I found his Only Fans account and I couldn’t believe it. I was in total shock and at the same time so angry and disgusted. My husband knows I don’t tolerate any of that disgusting degrading garbage. I told him to leave. He says to me "so you don’t think of other people when we make love, and I haven’t done anything wrong, everyone does it". So he leaves and I think he has gone to his mother’s house, but instead he goes to a men's club and get the one of the dancer's phone number. He comes home the next morning and continues to tell me that I’m overreacting and asks if I really want him to leave. So I have no idea of him going to the men's club and I let him stay because we have had a good marriage.

That was the start of all the things I found out about him. He was acting very strange, so I asked him if he did anything he shouldn’t have, but he lied to my face and said no. I found the text messages he sent to the dancer and asked him about it. He admitted he went to a men's club and he had gone before. He told me about texting the dancer.

He has been watching adult videos since he was 17 years old. The only other time I caught him was when I was pregnant with our 1st son. If I was not pregnant, I would have left him but I didn’t. I asked him about the Only Fans thing and he says it’s only entertainment. He spent $100 for private shows.

I question him about messaging anyone else and if he is cheating. He denies all of it. As I start to dig, I found out he was chatting with women (for how long I have no idea) and had various chatting apps. I could not believe he was capable of such deception. When checking his phone he has addresses of parks in his phone. I ask him why and he says something stupid.

I feel so hurt and that my body is not good enough. I have been a very faithful wife. I take care of everything in the household. He also has a gaming addiction. He is chatting with random people online. He cannot even talk to his 2 sons, but he just loves chatting it up with people online. At night I wake up to him possibly getting off to that smut and tries to say I’m imagining him doing that. I’m sorry, but I’m not stupid and he keeps feeding my stupid answers.

We started marriage counseling, but he still won’t admit that he is addicted to these filthy sites. I was looking at the phone bill and see texts from random numbers, always at the time he goes to get "coffee". I ask him about it and who was texting him and he tells me it’s scammers. It’s like I don’t know him or the real him. I feel unwanted because the women he looks at are nothing like me.

I’m so angry and hurt. I say to him "what if I was messaging other men" and he said he won’t like it. He tells me he has quit but I don’t know if I believe him. I have been made a fool of. There’s a part of me that wants to leave him and is disgusted by him. And there’s a part of me who thinks am I overreacting and think well at least he isn’t physically cheating. His gaming addiction doesn’t help. He is constantly on the computer and he wonders why I question him.

I feel like he has and does take my love for granted. If he loves me and is attracted to me, then why look at and message other women. I never held back on sex before and now. I ask him what he wants, but he doesn’t tell me. I don’t know what to think. I go up and down on my feelings. My children don’t know about the situation but they have seen my decline. But he is doing just fine and asks me why I’m upset. I started therapy which helps, but it’s not me with the problems, it’s him.

New here
by: Anonymous

I just discovered a "toy" that my husband had left out by mistake. I had NO IDEA he even had such a thing. We have young children and I am disgusted this is in my house. I confronted him and he "didn’t know how it go there." Idiot. I began to dig deeper and discovered he has purchased MANY toys over the last several years. All disturbing, some MUCH more than others. I confronted him about these as well and he seemed shocked I knew. I told him I wanted them out of my house and he’s not to go near my daughter. He now is saying he’s addicted to p*rn and they are "just toys." I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together for 20 years and I have evidence this has been going on for the last 5. FIVE YEARS. What do I do? He’s made an appointment with a therapist. The sight of him disgusts me. I can’t live like this.

Re: About to get married
by: Anonymous

My 2 cents to your dilemma:

1. A lie is a lie. It doesn't matter if it is an outright lie, a white lie, or a lie of omission. By not telling your fiancé, you are lying to her. Do you fathom that this lie will get better with time? It won't. It will fester, ruin your relationship and cause all kinds of havoc. Do you want this for your dearly beloved? Lying is a form of manipulation.

2. You are denying her a choice to make - a huge choice. She has the right to know about your addiction. If she stays with you, that is her choice. If she leaves, that is her choice. If she delays the marriage while you seek help (and improve) then that is her choice. Stop manipulating her.

3. It sounds to me like you are trying to quit with the adult content blockers. How about getting rid of your smart phone (get a dumb one if you must) and getting rid of your PC? How about joining a 12 step program for sex addiction? How about getting an accountability partner?

It sounds to me as if you are being selfish and are ashamed. Respect her enough to let her make the choice.

To About to get married
by: Be a good human

Dear About to Get Married, please do not get married until you have opened up to your fiancé. You are lying to her, you are disrespecting her, and you will ruin her. She does not deserve the life that you are about to take her on.

You are selfish. Seek help or leave your fiancé and continue down this path on your own. That is the path you should take if you are not willing to put her first.

How would you feel if she was looking at p-rn and pleasing herself and being excited by the men she was watching? You wouldn't allow that for a second as you know deep in your heart that's the wrong thing. And you know she would never do that to you, and that's why you love her and want to be with her - no doubt she loves you unconditionally.

Please open up, get help, have a great life with deep meaning. Instead of spending your time contributing to the p-rn industry - and being as far away from reality that you can be.

Don't end up in divorce when it could've been avoided in the first place. And stop contributing to the filthy world of p-rn.

About to Get Married
by: Andrew

Speaking from experience, open up to your fiancé immediately and get the help that you need. Educate yourself about dangers of p*rnography:

1) Few, if any women are happy earning a living from making these videos and pics, they are there by unfortunate circumstance and rarely have a choice. Many are trafficked and all are exploited for the pleasure of men. They are not wh*res, or b*tches or anything other than human beings that deserve to be treated a hell of a lot better.

2) This is how our impressionable youth are learning about sex. No intimacy, no connection, no respect. Women are objects to be used and abused. Think forward to your future children and ask yourself, is that the work you want them to grow up in? Do you want your daughters to be subject to constant harassment or worse by boys growing up in a culture of sexualized images of women? Do you want your sons thinking about young women in that way?

3) P*rn ruins families - period. Women should not have to put up with selfish men looking at that garbage. It is addictive and hard to give up once you're in its grip. My wife gave me two chances and I blew them both. I would say I was the most selfish man I knew. Learned the hard way and now fear it's too late.

When you get help, do the work to understand the why. Why do you look at it? If you cannot answer this you will simply trade one addiction for another and much more likely to relapse.

Read widely and educate yourself. I suggest:

Paid For: My Journey through Prostitution - Rachel Moran
Culture Reframed website - Dr Gail Dines is awesome
Laila Mickelwait - Exodus Cry - Has taken on MindGeek and is winning the battle
Fight the New Drug website

I'm closing in on 4 years p*rn free. I don't feel proud. more ashamed that I ever have to define myself this way. It should never have been a factor in my life at all. I now do what I can to educate men as to the dangers of p*rn and I call out misogynistic behavior when I see it.

But most importantly, I have a family that has suffered - a husband not present, a distant father. I still have a lot to make up for. Do not become me in 5 or 10 years time. Do the work now and you won't look back.

To: About to get married
by: Anonymous

If you want any chance to ever be happy you need to get into counseling and tell your fiance so she can not only hold you accountable but decide if she wants to take this huge risk.

The women in these videos are no more of a wh*re than the men. Some of these women and children are sex slaves. When you watch this stuff, you're contributing to children getting trafficked and abused.

My ex-husband lost out on a big part of his life because he was weak. We had everything and now he's living in a trailer begging me to take him back. He lost his wife, child and grandchildren all for a few minutes of pleasure every day.

Experts on p-rnography addiction say that men will give up 90% of what’s great in their life to pursue a little excitement. Are you going to be a statistic or a real man?

About to get married
by: Anonymous

I've read many comments here that made my heart sink. I'm about to marry the most loving woman. I've been trying to quit watching these types of videos, but I relapse every other week. I don't know what to do. I pray, I install all kinds of blockers but it never seems to work. I hate what I watch and I hate those women in the adult videos.

My fiance doesn't know about any of this. I can't tell her, it will break us.
What do I do?

Put Up And Shut Up..... I'm Not Enough
by: Anonymous

Recently I have been feeling like there is a wedge between me and my spouse. He is a business owner and is very busy, I help with what I can, never over step my boundary in that part. But recently I notice a disinterest in being intimate. I understand work, problems at work and tiredness is an issue, as he says there is bigger issues than intimacy. But how is it he is interested in watching a TV show regarding a law school girl turning into an escort? So much interested he subscribe to a TV program to watch it in the comfort of his office when he is alone.

We have been married many years, and at the beginning of our marriage about 1 month in I found he had left open a raunchy website. Blamed it in a friend sending him a link and he opened it. I also found it on our home computer, that he blamed on a nephew who lived with us at that time. When I was about 4 months pregnant I found him on the couch rewinding movie scenes and pleasing himself. Then he had the audacity to get into bed like nothing was going on. I can't confront him because it will turn into "Why are you going through my things!" "I never check your phone"... in essence I end up losing the battle. I love him with everything I have and every inch of my being, I even feel like I bother him. He says I love you, he does give me kisses and he does please me when we are intimate.

I just want to know why? Why, do you hide those things from me? Are you addicted to those things? Do you want me to leave so you can find a woman like the ones you like watching? I feel half loved in this marriage. I feel disrespected. Unworthy, sad, ugly, disgusting, a failure. Then I think it’s normal, all men around the world watch it and do this. Why should I feel bad? Then I remember I am not like most women, I have been with you through so much. We have been so low that the only way to go was up. I never gave up on you, I knew you would be something great one day, and you are! I am not like your friends wives, annoying and well you know how they are, I'm different. Willing to try anything new to keep it spicy, but that's not enough I guess. But here I am continuing to put up and shut up. Here's to the next twelve years... ANY ADVICE?

Tired Of This
by: Anonymous

So my husband of 27 years seems to love this smut. I have caught him on the computer searching for these things, yet he claims he didn't do it. Mind you, this was 24 years ago when our son was in bed with a high fever and I was waiting for him to bring me Tylenol. It was taking too long so I went looking and well he was trying so hard to get out of it when he saw me.

Found this off and on throughout our marriage - mind you it was never him.... Found it in his google search. Kids have seen him look it up as they snuck up behind him. According to him, he didn't do it… they are not telling the truth.

Caught him getting off in our living room one Sunday morning several years ago. He didn't know I was coming down the hall. His excuse... he was half asleep and our older son was talking about it the day before so it was on his mind. In the living room, where not only me but our children could have walked in!

Caught him sending one of his adult students a suggestive Gif and having conversations with women. Have no clue of a physical affair, although he gets off work early and I don't know about it until he pulls up somewhat early. Behaviors my first husband had, but my current husband talked trash about how bad my then husband was.

It's not the bedroom he is missing out on at home, nor is it anything he wants. I see to it he has what he wants (boat, etc.) He is very lazy unless it's something he wants to do.

I am just tired of the lies and how he never did it, he doesn't have a problem… blah, blah, blah. I'm over it. Could all this be me over reacting? He knows 2 months ago I said I'm sick of it and if it doesn't stop I'm done.

Crack wh*res
by: Emma

My husband of 45 yrs. has a crack addiction, about once or twice a month sometimes more. My issue is he pays the crack wh***s for naked pictures of them, one in particular, and in different sex acts. I find them on his phone and when I tell him I saw them he gets very defensive. I’m wondering if I should just delete them when I see them. He tells me it’s just p*rn or to look away! I told him I could deal with regular p*rn but not of people he sees and knows!

Will he ever recover?
by: unknown

I have been with my bf for over a year. He is great but he has his p*rn problem. He admitted to me that he had this addiction and of his desire to stop (he actually did it but not for long enough). I realized back in July and I found out he had fake Instagram and Snapchat accounts to message random girls with many followers or some girls he was attracted to or dated years ago to ask for pictures and offer money. He claims he never fooled around with anybody, but he spent a lot of money on this even before me. We worked it out and then this January I realized he was doing it again but less frequent and messaging less people but still doing it. I was hurt again. He said he tried to stop but once he started watching it again (because he thought it was under control now), all these behaviors came back.

We talked to his family and he is going to therapy now. He has had this problem for the past 10 years and has had this lying problem for the same time. He would lie even if he was eating junk food or not working out. Now he is more trustworthy and he actually tells me when he fails (overeating, pleasuring himslel in excess, or not working out). Today he told me he watched p*rn. I asked and initially he denied it, but then he decided to tell me the truth and also added another day when he did it but did not tell me. I promised him I would not be mad if he tells me the truth and I was not, I was just a little bit disappointed. He did not tell that to his therapist because he said he was ashamed.

I do not know what to feel... should I be mad? Should I be thankful that at least he is starting to tell the truth instead of hiding it (I was thinking that he could have had denied it and I would have never known, but he decided to tell me about it)? Should I think that he is not actually doing well in his journey to recover himself? He told me he did not want to tell me initially because he did not want me to think that he was quitting. He assured me that he did not message any girl or offer money, since according him he understood that it hurts me the most and damages the relationship. Whereas p*rn (even though it also damages the relationship) he says it does not cause the same impact and that he is doing his best for not watching it at all.

It is important to mention that we do not live together and he decided to leave all his electronic devices and laptop in my house to avoid being tempted to watch and he made me block these websites on his phone and restrict some apps. The way he accessed these 2 times was because he was in my house while I was at work and he said he could not resist especially since he had almost a month without it.

Thin lines
by: Anonymous

Hello and big hugs. Its disrespect after disrespect: the nasty videos, he has sold my ring, has my son brainwashed, sneaks out at night, doesn’t wear a mask, and acts like I’m crazy. He had the nerve to say that he is mistreated because I don’t give him sex. This morning he literally dug his nail into my finger. I walked into the bathroom and he shut his phone off and picked up his pants quickly. I’m sure his junk was soaped up or lotioned up who knows ...I grabbed his pants cause I was determined to find out. And just like the B he is, he dug his nails in me. I hate him more every day. When it comes to the kids he is like a back seat driver. He doesn’t do anything, but when he comes in from smoking and chilling he wants to yell and discipline the kids. I’m feeling like a flower in the attic character. Stuck in my house.

Then he wants to act bipolar. I’m smoking a cig out the window and he pulls up on me and starts grinding. I’m like, get yaway from me. He lets me know "if this is how you are going to act?" Like if I’m the problem (and on top of it my period is late) cause I’m just a hole. I cannot see me bringing another kid into this world from him. I tell him and he replies "I want a DNA test. My frustration is high and I’m feeling very much like just bashing his damn head. He says "if you hate me so much, tell me to leave". If you know I hate you, you should leave. I’ve told him 101 times to leave and he goes and smokes his marijuana and comes back to sleep. I sleep in the living room and he bought a king size bed supposedly for my two youngest and guess whose sleeping like a king. I swear I need therapy.

P-rn is killing connection and love
by: Catherine

P-rnography is causing so much harm across the world. I live in Australia. Currently, there is an online petition detailing thousands of graphic incidents against high school students, with at least 50 schools being named in my home state of Victoria alone (that is a significant number for our small population).

The petition started about a fortnight ago by a former Sydney schoolgirl. It’s gaining tremendous momentum, with many schools and state governments now being forced to address the distressing accounts of assault. I have no doubt our most significant problem here is p-rnography – children look at it for sex education. I can only hope that this petition will bring it under the spotlight and show its hideous undertones to the Australian public and the world.

Unfortunately, the next generations will only continue to experience what we all have shared on this platform. It is utterly sad, to say the least. I wish there could be more kindness and love shown when it comes to relationships – they are so important as they make our world.

I hope everyone is doing okay and finding themselves once again – we have one life, let’s enjoy it!

Why can't they let us go if they couldn't care less?
by: Always an object, never a human

Long story shorter.

I'm with a former friend of my ex who 'wanted to help' after my ex lost his entire mind & socially imploded (you guessed - it p-rn addiction, serial cheater, plenty of sites & women involved, financial ruin, the works). Since his friend was spiraling into the abyss, he postured himself as a godfather/surrogate so we (I thought) platonicly raised my daughter for 7 years, as her father descended into the childish insanity we've all come to know so well and left the picture.

During this time I remained social but never dated or pursued anyone, though looking back he was voyeuristic toward me, as he may very well have been when I was with his friend, which he's hidden well. We've been together for about 17 years now and it's never felt like I've ever been anything but a single parent. I rely on myself reflexively and that's been a useless point of contention from him- I can't change that things need to be done or my independent nature- I've never had a time in life when there was anyone else to do things for me.

At some point my husband just up and left the state, with no explanation, on the evening of signing for a cheap gorgeous penthouse, while my life was on the up, and we were out of contact a few years (guess the kids call it ghosting). A few years later I got a massive email supposedly explaining how he went through personal issues, claimed to have been depressed and alone, how he missed me terribly/couldn't live without and could we try again? Recently I've found out he was dating a mutual friend at this time & seems he just wanted an easy fix when they broke up (she was surprised about me when this was disclosed).

About 5 few years ago after we reconnected, I was spending more time with a man we'd known as long as we've known each other (whose interests and work I admired), so he got this wild obsession out of nowhere about needing us to get married which I was against because, what would the point of that be? We're already committed to a mutual interest, I'm not seeking anyone, joining our debts or funds is messy and there's literally no benefit to either of us?

In the last 20 months it's like living with my ex all over again, but without the intense pressure for constant on demand sex (that I'm realizing my husband was likely watching while it happened all along?). Have been rejected & shut out, but constantly berated for 'being distant' while I'm working, self-healing, volunteering, doing community work, cooking/cleaning/raising kids AND being pushed away?

I've gotten so many weird red flags revolving around p*rn & other women. Guilty references to kinks & review sites, as well as prostitutes & girls sending pics and texts to me. All of these things cooled me down to sharing space or relying on him for anything which he got extremely insecure over & you guessed it, passive aggressive, terse, snarky & sneaking around installing things to spy on me which has been horribly triggering to named and unmentioned abusive situations I've gone through my whole life. I'm almost not capable of seeing others in a sexual way at all, but once I'm bonded to someone it's on 100% & not to be toyed with.

All of this has been wildly confusing, not least of all because he KNOWS I was literally trafficked & molested as a small child by a family member... that experience has me feeling like I'm crazy or stupid because I don't want to be an object, but what about being close? Am I even seen as human? Leaving out relying on myself to get through a TON of physical and emotional trauma (accident, homicide, mass casualty event that killed a lot of friends) that I've endured since we married & he's never bothered to be supportive about.

I'm ultra-low maintenance & constantly try to comfort & encourage him, but wow the f’d up selfish little boy attitude that's direct at me is really something else, and to get off that objectification and demonizing me on really takes the cake! It's very hard not to fall for the 'revenge cheat' approach to utterly destroy this man's petty projections, and he must know I'd feel that way given he heard all about it the first time around years ago with my ex-partner.

Sincerely, wish I could hug all of you wonderful people out there who have it so much worse... You didn't cause it... you DIDN'T create it! And, unfortunately... you cannot control it. Boundaries babes, may my tale of tragedy help you choose yourself every day going forward, regardless how hard that may be. There is so much love and joy awaiting you still, and people who would give anything to spend time appreciating you.

Don’t be a fool any longer
by: Teri

Hi, I posted a while back and I re-read what I had posted and Omygosh that is so not how I feel today. I’m 58 and have literally wasted more years of my life on men than I care to admit. LADIES out there, you are all here for a reason, put your big girl panties on and kick him out. You are not alone (as you can see), but stop thinking for one second that the man you are with is going to change. He isn’t. Hold your head high, and let me be the one to remind you that you do not deserve any of what he is doing or has done to you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. We are all beautiful and can do so much better for ourselves. I have read so many heartbreaking stories on here, I wish I could make you all realize that man is not worth the hell you are going through. I know it’s hard, but I promise you it will not always be this hard. I have decided that at this point in my life I don’t need or want a man in it. I like who I am now. Stop giving them the power to keep hurting you.

School
by: Robin

I swear they all say the same things when confronted. Who do they think they are?


Lies never end, part 2
by: Anonymous 57

I recently posted a reply here, because I admire the courage it takes to post your experiences with a smut addicted spouse in this forum. I personally can't talk to anyone else about this. I tried to talk to my spouse about getting couples therapy to work on making things better, and why he needs to watch hours and hours of filthy videos, but he believes that a therapist isn't to be trusted, and going to one is a sign of weakness. This is his issue. I refuse to take responsibility for his bad behavior. If he asked me for a divorce, I would gladly give him one. I have never refused him sexually, but I have limits on his pressure to do things I'm not comfortable with. Been going to regular dating and adult dating services for years, gets caught, and lies in the face of showing him the evidence. He figured out incognito mode, but too dumb to log out of Gmail. As I said, with him I am never enough. I am tired, and want out.

I feel very depressed
by: Anonymous

Robin, I have a neighbor I speak to in secret cause my husband says everyone is a hoe or grimey. She said the same exact thing you said. She said "my friend please, he is sucking up your energy, kick him out". He has my 5 year old brainwashed. Before our arguments were discreet, but now he yells why am are you doing this, I’m stressing him out, or I’m making things difficult. And my son is listening to it all because I don’t reply and stay quiet, and his dad goes on and on yelling like I did the most horrible thing in the world to him… which is nothing. He talks to me nasty all the time, especially in front of people. He talks to his family and friends and acts as though he is the best person in the world to us. He made sure he isolated me from my family and friends. This morning he woke me up ...mind you I sleep in the living room... No I aint sucking squat. He said he needs to get himself a girlfriend. For the first time I just told him "you know what, you do need a girlfriend and you also need to get the f out and stop torturing us with your miserable presence. I’m tired of your old perverted a**". It felt so good. He was shocked and replied "who the f do you think you are? You need to watch your mouth. If you would do your job, the only thing I ask from you is to take care of me sexually, you stupid bit*h".

I wish I wasn’t so ashamed of my situation because I would’ve told my uncles to f him up. He has seven kids and one (which is the 5 year old) is the only one who likes him. I don’t want to get stuck cleaning his a**. I’m ready for him to go.

Sorry
by: Robin

Lord have mercy, these men!

Ladies get yourselves tested for STD’s>

To the man who sold your rings, I would have kicked his a** out. Talk to the Mother of his children like that. Mine said horrible things.

Crackhead moves
by: Anonymous

I took off my engagement and wedding band to give the kids a bath. I handed it to him so he can hold them. It was Sunday... Thursday I asked for my rings and he said he sold them to the pawn shop, said he didn’t get back what he paid for them but something is better than nothing. I’m like are you serious? He said yeah, what I need them for if I don’t preform my wifely duties (which are to have sex whenever he wants, whether kids are up or not). Smh. So tired.

Lies never end.
by: Anonymous

Because your husband can mark his g-mail in the spam folder as unread. I have been married for 32 years; my husband is 65 and I am 57. I take good care of my physical body. He has a serious p*rn addiction and goes into numerous adult dating sites, and I’ve caught him in many lies over the years. He was married twice before. Had enough of the bs. Got me a new savings account. New phone no# in secret. Tried being everything he wanted me to be in and out of the bedroom. Was going to leave, to start over again, then he got prostate cancer 11 yrs. ago and I decided to stay. Big mistake. Everything was great for a while, then he got implant. Everything after that went downhill again. Little to no sex. I don't trust anyone anymore. There is more to this, but would take a long time to put this in words here.

Computer smart?
by: Anonymous

So supposedly my smut loving husband hasn't been looking at anything. Well recently I was exploring his Google drive. He has a ton of p*rn spam in his Gmail. Well I noticed the last item viewed was some shared files, and they were of course women in the buff. So I went to his spam folder in his email because he claims he didn't know when I asked the last time how they were being opened. Well I went to his spam, exact email, opened it, and clicked on the attachment and of course I did not download it, but opened it. It shows it was viewed by him on the 17th. How would this appear in his Google drive? And he swears it wasn't him looking, that he tried to delete it but you don't need to open the file to delete it. Am I f***ing losing it???? Any guidance or thoughts would be appreciated before I confront him AGAIN. Also the email didn't show as read.

To Robyn and Anonymous ty
by: Green eyed girl

Thank you both for your feedback. Why do I allow him to make me feel like I’m crazy and ridiculous? I appreciate your input and if things don’t change and he doesn’t grow up I know I can’t be a miserable old lady with him and stuck pretending everything is ok. I won’t live like this.

Green eyed girl
by: Robin

It sounds like PSubs to me and the ED can also come from too much getting his jollies off. It breaks down the muscle tissue and the brain signals to his equipment.


For Green Eyed Girl
by: Anonymous

For starters, you're not ridiculous for feeling like this, and your feelings are legitimate.

Your 52-year-old partner has no substance or care for a genuine relationship with you. It sounds like he will never grow up and will continue to be self-absorbed for the rest of his life.

If you can, I would ask him to leave so that he can carry on this childish behavior under his own roof.

You need a kind-hearted, loving and intelligent man who will be next to you in life, not waving his d**k around every time a woman enters his mind.

Men who dehumanize women, see them as objects, objectify them are women's worst enemies. We need good men who can see women as human beings with brains and hearts.

I am a hater of men who can't respect women - I would have so much more respect for men if they would leave the relationship instead of lying to those that they are meant to love - I call them creeps. They have such small fake lives - they are not real beings - I feel sorry for them.

Good luck - I hope you can find genuine happiness that is real and not fake.

Looking for thoughts
by: Green eyed girl

Ok, so if you look back you’ll see I’ve posted and have replied here before. This one isn’t about p-rn; right now I’m putting that aside. I’m wondering if I’m being ridiculous or not, although having feelings about something shouldn’t be labeled ridiculous.

So, upon my suggestion my husband joined TikTok. I found so much humor there during these crazy times it made me laugh, thought he could use a laugh as well. Well of course it’s turned into total woman watching. Went on his phone to see all the suggestions for him and of course it’s women and the disguise of cooking things included. Of course he only follows cooking things. He wasn’t aware I could see from my account when he started following women till I said something so he deleted his account for a while but has since returned.

So, with that said. He wakes up at 4:30 AM, kisses me goodbye with an I love you, then goes right downstairs to TikTok This continues throughout the morning while he’s in his car waiting for a job to start.

Am I crazy for feeling upset and hurt by that? It just makes me feel so insecure, is it my issue? He says he wants me to dress up more, but I definitely not doing that because I feel like in his head I’m being compared to all the flawless bodies he watches. Seems like we’re arguing twice a month over his viewing habits, which in turn ruins 1/2 the month!

We’re definitely having a lot less sex! That’s not my doing at all. I believe he’s experiencing a bit of ED due to age, he’s 52 (but I also do believe all the years of his nasty habit have caused p-rn induced ED). For those of you who are not aware, it’s a real thing, look it up. Just looking for some honest feedback.

How should I feel? How would you deal with this? I’m just shutting down once again.

My Today
by: Anonymous

It is a very sad situation for us. I’ve been on mute all day. My best friend recently died and I’ve been very down. He acts supportive in front of people, but when they go he talks to me in the worst way. He always does the song and dance... I love you and I’m sorry, I'll never do it again, etc. The next day its "I have to get the F away from you". People that witness his actions say I have a lot of patience. I’ve just mastered the art of ignoring my own feelings and that is the problem; I been doing it so long that my feelings don’t matter to anyone.

Even my 5 year old has become obnoxious and rude. My husband has been bribing him with food and games. He’s has gained 20 pounds since Sept and is border-line diabetic. Another one of our fights. I’m absolutely disliking the way my son treats me. My 5 year old told me I’m lazy because I don’t go outside. His dad is outside all day smoking and I bust that bubble, but it’s okay, he doesn’t care. I sit and do remote learning, teach, clean, cook, take care of my household and I’m lazy cause a bag of chips given as a bribe makes his dad great? I’m so freaking over it.

He is a major pot head and that is where the majority of his money goes and then the rest to buy food because he has the munchies. He buys good lotion Vaseline, Aveeno, coco butter to play with himself and buys my kids the $1.39 ones.

Last night (or wee morning hours rather because he waits for us to sleep to smoke and play with himself in the bathroom), my youngest woke up to pee. I noticed his phone was not on the charger nor was it on bathroom sink. Something told me pull back the curtain and yup right there on the window sill ledge the phone was propped up and he was pleasuring himself to the smut.

I no longer feel sadness. I get so enraged that my mind just thinks the worst. It’s like a slap on my face. This a joke, right? Seriously, how many times have I caught him...it’s too many to count at this point. I kick him and then he and my 5 year old do the color purple scene ...you and me must never part and I’m pulling them apart.

I been sleeping in the living room for years. I said I was going to fix the boys room up. He goes and buys a king size bed and him and the 5 year old sleep like kings. My body hurts, my mind hurts, and my heart hurts. Then I say nobody will understand, but y'all do. How embarrassing is this, that I can’t even tell my family? I completely have stayed away from everyone. I spend my day talking to plants and cats (Lol, like a crazy woman). I’m beyond depressed, other than the fact that I never smile and always look tired, you would never know. I can’t wait for this life to be over. The toxins are consuming.

Don’t let anyone kill your spirit
by: Anonymous

I have been faithful to my husband for 19 years, but we have not had sex for 7 years. Why? Because he has always had problems keeping it hard. I felt sorry for him and tried hard to give him the confidence which I thought was the problem. Viagra solved the erectile dysfunction but it didn’t solve the desire issue, which never came. I’m a very good looking woman and had always had good sexual relationships. I thought maybe I had had enough of the good stuff to settle for less than ok, because I truly loved everything else about him and he was a great guy. Sad to say, 19 years later and 7 years of no intimacy, I discovered he is into hardcore p*rn. Sex with a woman is too time consuming for him, so he says. In reality, I think he knows he is not a great lover and is insecure, the poor lost souls he watches getting pummeled don’t have any expectations from him.

I can’t take it anymore!
by: Ticked off and neglected

I have no one to talk to who would understand at all, and honestly feel so low and worthless I don’t want to. My bf of 8 years is completely addicted to p*rn. I have seen it here and there the past few years. When it’s brought up, he really had nothing to say or would cause a huge fight but never actually acknowledge it. The past 2-3 years our sex life has completely disappeared. If I bring up anything, it’s a fight with no answers. Now his phone broke and I thought that would be a good thing, but he has been using the internet on the TV!!! A lot!!!! I mean a lot, like 20-30 different pages popped up in the history for one day, probably within an hour or two if he waits until everyone is sleeping. So now no affection, no more laughs, barely talking, fighting more and tons of watching the vulgar stuff. I can’t bring it up or we fight like crazy and I’m exhausted! I am thinking about leaving a note and leaving for a few days until he can figure something out and go somewhere. I have nothing left I give up I don’t know what to do.

A few days later, and still hurting..
by: Anonymous

Thank you much for reaching out. Sorry you are in the same boat. I am amazed that there are so many of us. I suppose, like a lot of us we had no idea the magnitude of this problem. Yes, and in the church! :( Not to get theological. But, many say they are Christians, but it's just a nice term these days. We ALL fall into sins, and we all make mistakes. But, this area has so many layers to it. The lying is the worst, don't you think? And the fact it's not just a slip here and there, but a lifetime of lying and deceit :(

It's been a few days now and he's still gone, but we are communicating. He's "sorry. OH so sorry". But, I guess I don't believe him.

This Pastor is a sharp cookie, he's holding his feet to the fire, not missing a step.

As for me? I go from anger, to numbness and back. I am so glad you don't consider suicide anymore! Oh my goodness, he is NOT worth your life! May I ask if you are reconciling?

Hang in there. God bless!

To "I knew better"
by: Anonymous

I'm sorry you've had this experience and I'm glad you're okay physically. Sadly, p*rn use and violence go hand in hand. I'm six months out from discovery and it's getting better for me little by little every day. Some days I still have depression and anxiety but thank God the suicidal thoughts aren't there anymore. The men are the ones that should be contemplating suicide, not us. Did you know that 50% of church goers use this garbage? I would bet there are some women in church that are suffering just like you. Maybe your pastor could help you connect with some of these ladies. It would help for you to talk to someone. Give yourself time to grieve. You will get through it. Take care of yourself!

I knew better
by: Anonymous

I'm an older remarried person. When we married 12 years he was completely transparent (boy did I gravitate to THAT trait!) that he'd had a p*rn issue in his 'past'. I remember thinking to myself that I'd read these types of addicts have an extremely difficult time quitting and I should maybe examine the fruit of his so-called miracle change, a bit closer. Did I? No, because I believed him.

Fast forward to a few days ago. My husband claims to be a Christian and the bedrock our relationship was (or so I thought) our common ground, spiritually.

I noticed an extreme change in him about 2 years ago. He was so distant, angry, self-absorbed, selfish, mean-spirited, cynical, and skeptical. But, the biggest thing was indifference. He was passionate about nothing, except spending time absorbed on the internet. Bottom line, he was anything, but, a kind person that loved God.

Did I think smut was connected? Nope, never even connected one dot. He'd quit years ago! Why would go 'there'???

Two nights ago, I blurted out; "Are you doing p*rn!!" Seriously, not really even believing it. I wonder if at some level we just know that they are, and that's why we blurt this out? This happened in my previous marriage too. Something about his face, told the story. So, after checking his phone. Bingo.

I was so angry and hurt. I'd been lied to, cheated and love bombed. So, I did what I should have done 12 years ago (and knew better) I did some research. There "it" was in plain print. My husband's personality had changed, because he was back doing the nasty stuff.

He came in through the front door all smiles with his brand new phone. A larger screened model. More screen to watch his filth. I looked at him and I lost it! I took the phone from his hand and threw it against the wall and said; "There, there's your p*rn".

What happened next completely stunned me. I'd retrieved the phone from the floor (surprisingly not broken) and he was trying to wrestle the phone out of my hand. He was completely manic and in a rage. (I wasn't much better sadly) He was so focused on that phone that, and don't take this next observation wrong, but I almost felt like laughing. He looked all funny and gangly like a teenager that was leaning in to give his girlfriend a kiss and she'd move her head. I'd dodge and weave one way and he'd fall all over his 300 lb. frame to lean with me and so on. Like the dance of the get the phone. It was so odd that I thought to myself if the neighbors happened to see us they'd wonder what the heck are we doing? It was like we were wrestling over pure gold and would stop at nothing to be the victor. I don't think I'll ever forget this as long as I live. Not once did he look at my face, his eyes were peeled on that phone and he was gonna get it at ALL costs.

All at once he lunged at me and grabbed my throat and started to chock me to DEATH! I was in so much shock. I had no idea at first what was happening. It turned so drastic, so quickly. But, he wanted that phone at all costs. And He had gone into a rage attack to save the phone! To the degree I think that I think he might have "accidently" killed me had I not kinda fallen back out of his reach against the open closet door that shielded me from his attack.

As so as he got a secure hold on the phone and am eerie calm came over him. I was shaking so hard that I couldn't dial the number on MY phone (I have no idea who I was calling) and I told him he had to leave or I'd call the police. But, he was completely calm. He started to c-a-l-m-l-y (because CALM and docile and unresponsive is the speed he lives in - unless you challenge his internet or phone) pack his stuff to leave. No discussion, no complaining. Just started to pack his stuff and end what seemed to be a 12 year marriage.

As he was systematically doing this he looked over his shoulder and told me he'd need to call the landlords and give our notice "because obviously we won't be living here together anymore". At one point he saw my shaking hands and said; "Give me your phone, let me help you dial the number". It was like I was watching a moving in slow-mo. Who was this person?

After he left, it took me a minute to process what had just happened. It all happened in the space of about 10 minutes max. Imagine coming home from grocery shopping, unpacking your groceries, and then saying goodbye to your husband as he leaves you marriage. Oh, and first he almost kills you. This man has never done anything close to this before. If he bumps my arms he's so sorry that it's almost ironic. But, now this same man has put his hands on my neck and may squeeze the life out of me?

I have cried now all night, and most of the day. I contacted a pastor and had a 2 hour discussion with him. I do feel safe and protected now and he's not coming back. If he does, the police will be called.

He (the Pastor) is meeting with my husband this evening. After reading all your posts, I have no faith that he'll change. Worse yet, I think his had progressed to where he could seriously hurt me, or even kill me.

Please do not get after me for this statement. But, I wish he would kill me. Then the nightmare would be over and I'd be home in heaven.

I have no $$ I am old and I am disabled. This is my 3rd marriage. Every man I have ever known, including my father has abused me in one form or another. So, he's right. "It is you". It is me. I knew better. But, I got slower in connecting dots.

Thanks for letting me use this space as an interactive journal. I have literally no friends I can discuss this with; he was my best friend until last night. How am I going to get through this??

RE ..Finally Free...
by: Gail

Thank you for your positive and uplifting post. I too have divorced and moved on...only wish I did it a decade ago.

My ex also went to a church recovery group but often ended up saying he "wasn't like the other guys..." a marriage full of lies, gaslighting, increasingly angry episodes, sarcasm etc...

He changed a lot with his addiction and YES the brain is literally rewired. Studies at the University of Cambridge sounded the alarm on the p*rn addict's brain. The low majority of addicts that recover say they cannot believe how ANGRY they were. How horrible their treatment towards their wives became. I watched my husband change and it breaks my heart but he is living a life of lies and deception.

I have moved on and no longer have to deal with the stress of it all. Ladies learn to look after yourselves and realize that this is not a life of happily ever after.

Finally Free
by: Anonymous

I found this site back in July after once again finding out that my husband had relapsed watching adult videos. The stories and support on here have allowed for me to move forward in healing my life.

Since July, I have sold my home we had together, bought my own home, and filed for divorce. I have not felt this happy and free since my early 20's. I'm now turning 51 in February. All my life I felt that I NEEDED a man. A man to make me feel wanted, loved, supported and that I'm good enough. I have realized that is not true. True happiness comes from within and knowing that I deserve someone that is going to respect me, my home, and the sanctity of our relationship.

I feel bad for my soon to be EX. Sad that he doesn't understand that what he is doing is altering his brain. When men watch this garbage, there is a great amount of adrenaline that is released in the brain. This release gives them a feeling of euphoria. Essentially, they are getting "high" off of watching it. This behavior causes them to seek even riskier videos, or forms of self-pleasure to re-create that high.

In order to truly recover, one must seek professional help from a licensed Sex Therapist. This will allow for them to address the bio-psycho-social causes to their addiction.

My ex tried to read the bible, go to bible study, and join a church-based recovery group for his problem. I'm not saying those weren't good ideas, but unless you get to the root of the problem, understand your triggers, and form a recovery plan, relapse is inevitable.

For all of you that think you can't live without 'him', or feel stuck, I'm here to tell you anything is possible. It's never too late to take back your life. One you are able to fill with happiness.

Thank you
by: Anonymous

Oh I know you're right. He told me he wasn't looking, but then it showed up and he clicked on it… blah blah blah. I’m just done. I'm empty. I do not need him. I am financially successful and I have it all together. I am with him because I wanted to be. Sad that he hasn't seen that yet. My self-worth means a lot more to me than it does to him. I find it almost comical the ways they find to watch other women. He wanted to play the pity card, but that doesn't work with me. I think what makes me so mad is, why weren't you just honest when I asked you from the beginning? Instead it takes you a week of silence from me and me having to ask you? It’s a recipe for disaster when you mix the lies with the trash you watch.

Do we think you’re crazy
by: Green eyed girl

No, I definitely don’t think you’re crazy! He’s probably never stopped. May have slowed down but it always creeps back, always excuses. My husband was constantly women watching on you tube, after all, EVERYONE does! That’s always the reply when he’s caught. He was watching fishing videos, he has zero interest in fishing! It was because it was women (young ones at that at least 20 years younger than him) in tiny bikinis, he knows how to delete and hide everything he does on there now also. I’m sure anything else your husband is doing is done in the incognito page, nothing is saved or tracked there. Someone must’ve told my husband about it a few years ago. To tell you the truth, it’s kind of a relief not knowing sometimes. If I found him looking at extremely young girl in adult flicks, I know I couldn’t stay in this marriage. I also ask him from time to time, have other ways to check also. Over all he’s been pretty good.

On another note I have a young daughter who is going through this with a boyfriend of 3yrs. He has a serious addiction to the filth, she’s going to try to get him professional help by going into counseling with him. It’s so sad. He’s 25 and has no idea how this will affect the rest of his life. I told her you can try to help him, but in his head if he thinks he’s doing nothing wrong it will never change, just get out.

This damn at your fingers technology is ruining so many lives.

Not sure what to think
by: Anonymous

Not sure if you all remember my post about me discovering evidence of my husband's nasty habit. But supposedly he hasn't looked in months... I haven't seen anything in his history, but let's face it… He's not an idiot and I’m sure knows how to delete things. Well this past Wednesday I found a questionable video of a women with a large chest in a white shirt. His reason for watching the video... he saw a guitar in the post. So that is why he clicked on it. He clicked on it from a Google ad, which then gave him the article, and then the video was in the article, end result, I found it in his YouTube account. Am I crazy for thinking he relapsed? Am I being irrational? Since I have brought it up, he told me "I’m a man, of course I looked ", knowing it clearly made me upset. I STILL HAVE BARELY SPOKEN TO HIM SINCE!! Yet, he hasn't said a thing and is acting like nothing is wrong! What the heck!!!!!! Please tell me I'm not over reacting, or maybe I am. But by him ignoring what is obviously wrong and acting like nothing happened I think is the part that bothers me even more.

There’s a new bus every 10 minutes
by: Kathy

Men who do watch this garbage are selfish and use any available perverted video to get them off.

I keep hearing how beautiful other women think the girls of these videos are, I don’t think so. Raw sex is brutal, degrading, abusive and demeaning. I would not wish my husband on any other women. I think he deserves an "I’m divorced due to p*rn" T shirt to let his next victim know he is toxic. I posted my husband’s left handed hobby on Facebook. Don’t get mad get even.

Soon I will be free of my left handed wonder. I am not angry; I am relieved he is history. Let’s face it men know how to erase history, so we should do the same with them. They are liars, cheaters and the filth they view grows like a cancer. Our society is under assault.

Divorce them. They are deficient troubled souls, dangerous and will destroy themselves to keep their secrets.

TROLLS...
by: Anonymous

These sites periodically get trolls/narcissistic individuals posting trying to cause more pain for grieving women..

Men who either pretend to sympathize or disguise themselves as women with a ridiculous story that will just frustrate ladies trying to heal.

If a post sounds and looks suspicious it most likely is!

My advice is to ignore and not respond...I have seen a lot of questionable posts on many sites where women are seeking advice and healing.


To the Escort
by: Green eyed girl

I’m wondering what happened in your marriage that you are now an escort. I know of someone who appears to be happily married, father of two. His wife thinks they are happily married, has no idea about his p*rn use and that he sees hookers! So here is a man not being interrogated about anything. Why do you think he goes to escorts? She thinks they have a great sex life, "They do it all the time."

You make it sound like the women who are going through this pushed them to escorts to be a confident! How about the constant p*rn watching pushed them to you. You are a fantasy, someone they can use anyway they want and disrespect you. No matter how they seem to confide in you and appear to respect you for that listening ear. So here’s my thoughts. The obsession of p*rn use has turned lots of these men to you, you are the fantasy. I bet if you are older, lots of your men are younger, and vice versa. So us woman who have husbands who can’t control themselves like little boys who just discovered what their d**ks do and sit in front of a screen instead of having sex with a willing wife (and in some cases a clueless wife) aren’t the problem and shouldn’t give in to anything we’re not comfortable with.

I feel bad for your children and pray they never find out what you’re doing. I pray for you, your safety and your health.

Yes, it does make you suicidal
by: Robin

You are not the only one and I have lived that exact scenario, bonus with ED, then blames me for why it did not work. Wishy-washy and he lies to cover what he’s doing.

Maybe unwelcome concepts, but I'm on your team
by: Thoughts from an escort

Needless to say, I meet a lot of men. And I analyze the heck out of people. I started escorting 3 years ago. Not what I aspired to. Especially at my age. And with kids. I'm not a child and I'm not an expert, but I've learned a boatload about men. And I have tears in my eyes for all of the comments that I've read. I can completely identify with how you feel towards p*rnography. But the fact of the matter is it's damn near impossible to retract boundaries for people in general especially when they see no need to deprive themselves. Boundaries can easily be expanded upon. So you can either take them as they are or try to change them and push their boundaries further. They're wrong and in the end they are the ones who suffer.

A lot of these men can't function any longer due to p*rnography. Some of them have permanently curved or severely calloused peckers from excessive self-gratification. Sometimes I think I've seen it all and then I realize I haven't. (Bear with me) At first I felt too guilty to see married men and then I realized that they were safer because they don't stalk you. Or worse. They have more to lose. Therefore to protect my interests and that of my kids, the majority of the men that I see are married. And I can't believe the people that they are and how I would never imagine that they would be somebody that would come to me. Never in a million years. And I hear often about problems in the relationship. They are desperate for an ear to vent to someone whom cannot justifiably judge them, has a female perspective, can console him, is getting paid handsomely to make him feel good about himself and justified so he comes back, (well to me the next time).

I'm curious, disgusted, perplexed and cunning so I've asked an abundance of questions and gotten answers so honest I still just can't believe them. That's the other thing. They are desperate for someone to brag to. I'm perfect. Repugnant. No matter how many ways I try to find another result to my questions. Men and their relationship with p*rn is individual, yes. But always going to be the same. Which also means constantly evolving.

You'll never stop him from who he is at this point. They see p*rn as a quick tool. No trace of emotion. That's it.

But the more you try to change him, the less there will be you should want to salvage. Just more lies. They aren't wasting their lives waiting to get too old to do what makes them happy. Don't waste yours. If you think you're too old to change things now, you probably said that 10 years ago, too. Bet you wish you could go back. Hm. How will you feel in 10 years from today? And he still will get to pay for it from whoever. Quit exhausting yourself over his really quite sad conundrum. You're going to look back and wish that you would have made better use of your time and your energy. All of the time you spend not cutting ties, could be all of the opportunities you missed for happiness.

Ugh, makes one suicidal
by: Anonymous

All I know is I am sick of LOVE, LOVE, being thrown in my face as an excuse for using this filth. "But I love you so much", tears, tears, tears, etc. Then you’ll watch it again... then you’ll tell me how much you love me. F you!

To Green Eyed Girl
by: Anonymous

Your post is all too familiar to a lot of us I’m afraid. I’ve come to the realization that these men will never "get it". It’s like speaking a foreign language to them - their brains just can’t process what they are putting us through. All the talking, crying, pleading will do nothing. In the end all they care about is themselves. Period. They get lazy, fat, and bald and are terrified of getting old, so they live with this fantasy that they can somehow get it on with these young girls. Our aging bodies just remind them that they are getting OLD.

You have to keep telling yourself that there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! At 62 I no longer have the energy to deal with this. I’ve given up trying to "fix" him. Just biding my time until I can be on my own and find some peace.

It’s been said before many times: If you are young enough and have the financial means to do it, get out while you can. God help the rest of us.

So sad and hurt
by: Green eyed girl

Ok, so here I am once again. I’m hoping for input from some men as well as women. I’ve posted here before about my husband and his smut issues. I’ve spoken rationally to him, I’ve cried, I’ve withdrawn and pleaded with him about how this is affecting our relationship. Now this.

He said to me last week. "I want to say something to you, but I don’t want you to take it personally because it’s me." I think we’d be having more sex." (We use to watch it together, till I discovered his obsession) I couldn’t help myself, I just sat there and cried. Then I calmly repeated what I’ve said before, many times. "You do realize how all this p*rn has affected your brain, right?" Said all the usual blah, blah that I’ve said too many times about how it makes me feel unattractive, insecure. Then he said "well I keep asking you to get dressed up" (I used to do that often but stopped when I learned of his p*rn watching), or give me a BJ (which I have no issues with and do often when we are fooling around). I haven’t been doing that lately either also because I'm disgusted by his watching the nasty videos! But I’ve told him all this constantly! He told me he’s having trouble getting hard, most likely because of his age, (but I also think because of his viewing habits) he’s 52. We have also discussed this calmly and I told him to get something from the Dr. if that’s the case.

Anyway, we did have sex the next day, not with p*rn, not with dressing up with oral. My mind wanders about what he may be envisioning as we are intimate. I feel so sad and lost. I love him very much and feel like things are never going to change and he’s never going to "Get It!" I said to him, you think I shouldn’t take this personal. What if I said to you I can’t have sex with you unless I watched adult videos? Watched some perfect man with a perfect woman? You wouldn’t feel inadequate? I just don’t know what to do anymore. Feeling Heartbroken.

Husband Lying about it
by: Fi

Hi,

From someone in a similar situation, although my husband has never been as abusive as yours. That is totally disgusting and in all honesty the only place these men belong is at the bottom of the ocean.
Be careful. To me, he sounds like he could become violent. Have a safety plan to get out of this toxic relationship.

Fi

To Husband lying about it
by: Anonymous

There is no question about it, you need to leave now! You have a responsibility to yourself and your children to get out of that abusive relationship. You and your children deserve better.

Husband lying about it
by: Anonymous

Okay, so while I was ordering my husband two gifts my phone died and I had to use his. I ordered the gifts for him and his history manager came up. What I saw made me sick… He was watching all kinds of really sick stuff. I asked him about it. He lied the entire night and was even abusive to me because he was caught. I was begging him to leave 😔 and to stop because we have four young children but he wouldn't. I spoke to my mom, but I'm ashamed to tell my family or friends about it and what really happened.

When he finally admitted it, he had me on the ground and said such mean things to me. He’s cheated before when we had our youngest daughter and said it was because he wasn't happy. So I moved on with my life (it was great) and he came back begging me for another chance. I wanted to do the right thing for my family and now I feel like a complete failure. Anyone have any advice on what to do?

Addicted to X-rated videos, gambling and alcohol
by: Anonymous

Thanks Gail and I think you're right. I feel like I'm going insane trying to justify that his childhood has done this to him and that I should fix him. That within itself is insanity.

I appreciate your honesty.

Thank you,

Fi

To: Addicted to X-rated videos, gambling
by: Anonymous

I completely agree with Gail, as hard as it might be - they don't change even when they convince you that they have changed. They tell you that they will never lie again - another lie within itself.

When someone can lie to you for such a long time, how could they ever be honest with you again - some women on here have been lied to for over 20 years - what sort of man does that and thinks he can change - what a joke!!! Unfortunately, men do this for their selfish reasons. They destroy families, communities, lives - get out if you can, don't waste another second of your precious life.

I am teaching my kids to be careful and to be aware - the world and men are only going to get worse because p*rn is not made for beautiful, connected relationships. Love, intimacy, respect will be gone....I have felt it for such a long time - my ex-husband is a creep.

To - Addicted to X-rated videos, gambling etc.
by: Gail

You need to leave. There’s nothing in it for you. Read over your comment and realize you are living in an insane situation. Run and end this for your own sanity.

Addicted to X-rated videos, gambling and alcohol
by: Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,

I have access to money. He is still living in the house but downstairs. He went to an AA meeting last night and has received a mental health plan to see a shrink.

The one thing I didn't mention is that my child looked at his phone to check the time and there was a message - saying Hi Babe, finish work at 10am and it was from some escort agency. I assured my child it was not meant for him. Years ago when I was pregnant with our first daughter, I found something in our bank account that looked suspicious. Upon researching I found out it was a massage parlor where he had spent $300. When I confronted him about this he said it was a just a therapeutic massage. When I looked at the site, it had naked girls giving massages and God know what. He again denied it. Then a few days later when he was taking a shower I noticed something that looked like a blister on his private parts. I made him go to the Doctor and they said it was herpes that could have been from years ago and had been dormant for years, but due to stress had flared up again. He then told me, oh yes I remember sleeping with a girl when I was 18 and she told me afterwards that she had herpes. Again, my gut, told me no this can't be right, but continued on. There has just been a constant pattern of adult websites on his phone. I don't know that you can ever trust someone who has clearly lied so many times and has so many issues. I have to ask myself what's in it for me!

To Fi
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry you're going thru this especially with young children. Are you financially able to support your children on your own? If you can, I would propose a temporary separation from your husband. He would have to meet some requirements before I would allow him back into the house, such as attending daily AA, PAA, and GA meetings. I would have him get a non-smart phone and have no access to the internet during the separation. I know this is difficult but if he wants his family back, he'll comply. If he doesn't, you'll be able to decide if you want to continue wasting your life with a man like him. Good luck to you my sister.

Addicted to X-rated videos, gambling and alcohol
by: Fi

Hi, my first husband of 14 years died in a plane crash fifteen years ago. I was completely heartbroken and really lost. I turned to alcohol to combat my sorrow, which of course I know is the wrong thing to do. I ended up moving interstate to the last place I saw him alive and started seeing a man who had been living in the same house as my husband while they were flying. Any way we became friends, started drinking together etc. Fast forward 14 years, I have put up with my now new husband and several other addictions. He is an alcoholic, addicted to gambling and raunchy videos. The signs were there very early on and I have constantly found things on his phone. When I confront him about this and really have it out with him, he says he'll get help, but he never has. He grew up in a very screwed-up family. His mother is an alcoholic and it seems his stepfather watched this filth and he saw it from a very early age. I don't think he's a bad person, just very messed up, but I am now 50, with 2 young girls, one 9 and one 12. I want to be happy and feel I deserve better. I never drank much before the tragedy of losing my first husband - who was one of the most wonderful men ever put on this earth. I think I was so broken when I met my now husband that I settled for someone who is just not up to my standard. I think, as hard as it is, it's time to call it a day! Any advice would be appreciated. Fi x

Dear Defining success
by: Teri

I can’t speak for all women, but for me your words are words I have longed to hear for many years. If my man came to me and said the things you have said, the pain wouldn’t go away instantly, but it would stop going deeper. Just when I think I can’t possibly get hurt anymore I end up getting hurt. Why do I stay? Because I believe he is a good man and one of these days he will come to me and say those words to me.

Defining success in the wake of addiction
by: Andrew

I'm really pleased to see some men start to post on this forum and share their feelings and thoughts. I think if societies (collective) view on p*rnography are to change substantially, it will require good men to work alongside women to make these much needed changes.

I wanted to share some thoughts on what success looks like for me. I recognize that success will look different for each individual, but hopefully I will get some of you thinking about success in a broader context.

Initially I thought that stopping viewing the videos and fantasizing about other women would lead to success. In my mind success at the time was defined as my wife forgiving me and living happily ever after. If I’m being honest with myself, it took too long to come to the realization that it is not nearly as simple as that, indeed success is multilayered.

And that’s exactly how it played out. Things didn’t get any better between myself and my wife after I stopped, arguably they became even worse. Why? Firstly viewing dirty videos is only part of the issue – there are many others. The lies that were told time and time again to protect my ‘secret’. Yes all addicts lie to protect themselves and I assume all addicts also learn that intolerable damage is done when trust is eroded in a relationship. From my wife’s perspective, I lied for so many years and she gave me the benefit of the doubt, so how can she trust me now? Once bitten… (Although in my story it could easily be thousands of times bitten).

There are also the wasted years and the question of ‘what if’? What if my wife had chosen someone else, would she have had a much better life with a man who treated her as she deserved to be treated? Worshiped her for her, made her feel special each day and lived life to the fullest rather than using up energy on being suspicious, trying to understand why, losing touch with community and friends and fracturing extended family relationships.

Beating an addiction does not make up for the lies, any more than committing to be honest, transparent and truthful. That doesn’t fix all the turmoil over 20 years, and it needs healing if a relationship is to grow and blossom into what it could and should have been.

Being as objective as I possibly can be, I think it is unlikely that I will be able to repair all the damage I’ve caused to my wife, my family and our broader community. Recognizing this has led me to think about what success looks like for me, or in other words how can I turn my experiences into something positive?

First and foremost I have to accept that it is not my decision to keep my family together. And in the very likely event my wife chooses a path of divorce, I need to support her in that decision and make it as easy as possible for both her and our children. I guess if you love someone you do need to set them free.

Whilst I’m not sure how to best capitalize on my experiences, I do think I can be a voice of change and help educate men struggling with addiction how insidious p*rnography is across the world, how it exploits women for the benefit of (almost exclusively men), how it is the driver of child exploitation, sex trafficking, and the predominant medium for sex education of our vulnerable youth. Every click, every view, whether you happen to pay for it or not, do it in private and keep it your shameful secret, every minute you spend viewing this filth is contributing to exploitation of women and you are part of the problem not the solution.

I am sickened by the statistics quoting 90%+ of all men view it, and my wife recently told me less than 8% of those addicted successfully recover. These are very sobering statistics and clearly show the extent of the issue. I’ve never subscribed to the argument that there’s nothing wrong with it nor that is it ok because ‘everybody is doing it’. These are excuses, I chose now to be part of the solution not part of the problem.

I have grown as a person in the last two years and am now present and in the moment with my children. I have a grown up step daughter and two young kids, a boy and a girl. My boy innately knows how to treat women and respect them as equals – he amazes me in that respect. I work with him to ensure he knows how to handle peer pressure and ensure he grows into a respectful young man. My daughter and I are close which is great and I am able to have age appropriate conversations with her about her respecting herself as a women and not ever feeling pressured into a situation she feels uncomfortable with. Of course I cannot take all the credit here, not even half of it. My wife has been the driving force that set our kids on the right path from a very early age. However at least now, based on my experiences I am equipped to have the right conversations with them and be a very good role model for them both.

So success for me now looks like supporting my wife to likely become my ex-wife and make that process as easy as possible for her. She has been through so much and I owe her that much. It may sound like I’m happy for this to happen and it suits me too. Nothing could be further from the truth, I love her and want us to work – I won’t stop trying, however I won’t pressure her, it needs to be 100% her decision with no influence.

Success is raising my children into young adults that respect themselves and all others. Mentoring them through life’s rollercoaster journey, comforting them when they inevitably get knocked down and getting back up again stronger and wiser for the experience. And that’s what I hope for myself, to become stronger and wiser for this horrible experience. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and I deeply regret all the hurt I’ve caused my family. Can I make up for it completely? I hope so, and I will continue to work hard, learn and become a better person in that pursuit.

To Anonymous Husband
by: Green eyed girl

Dear Anonymous Husband

I think the first part of getting to be a better husband is acknowledging the hurt you have caused, which you do. So cheers to you! I still believe my husband feels he’s doing nothing wrong. That being said there will be no change. I hear "Everyone does it!" That statement is so childish. Does Everyone’s wife realize they’re doing it? Probably not. Not only adult videos, just looking at pictures of woman constantly. He has no self control. Can’t have Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram even a TikTok account turns into constant woman watching. It’s heartbreaking. I wish he’d acknowledge my feelings as you have your wife’s. So here’s to you and your recovery! 🥂 I wish you the best. Let us know how it goes.

Thank you
by: Anonymous Husband

Hi everyone - anonymous husband here. I am a failed person. I'm a failed husband. I appreciate reading all of these stories and seeing things from YOUR perspective.

The common thread seems to be - "leave". That's fair - of course. NOBODY can tell you how YOU should feel. It's also the part that makes me sad.

I am genuinely working hard to become a better person, and I'm going to keep working hard.

Is this true that someone can never change? I’d like to think I can change. I cannot believe that ALL things are possible including change and including becoming a better, more loving person.

If anyone has a story about a success to come from this (maybe I'm in the wrong place admittedly) I would really like to hear it. It might give me some hope that what I'm doing can make a difference and that I can at least partially restore what I so foolishly destroyed.

I'm heartbroken. And I know it's my fault. I would never want to disagree with her feelings. She is right to feel whatever she feels and I cannot, nor would I, argue with that. I just hope she can give me the time I need to improve. Give me a chance to show I can.

Feels weird to post here - but I just wanted to share my feelings and share my thanks for being able to read all of your stories. They have helped me learn - and even though I dread hearing the truth time and time again and hope I am given some time to rebuild - I also recognize that it is not my place. The decisions she makes are hers.

Thanks again.

Thoughts Welcome Reply
by: Anonymous

Dude: sexual release is not vital like eating, drinking and sleeping!

You are a sex addict. Period.

You say you have unmet needs. Sex is not a root need.

Dear Thoughts Welcome
by: Anonymous

With everything that you have described about your wife and relationship, I would think that you were my husband. I have a lot in common with your wife as you have described her and the problems in your marriage. Let me share with you my thoughts since you stated they are welcomed.

There was a time that I was indescribably in love with my husband, would do anything for him, trusted him completely and had an amazing sex life. If you were to ask how often we were intimate, it was from 5-6 times per week. Sometimes more. These were not only his desires, but mine as well.

Slowly, that trust started to be chipped away with lying, deceit, his not listening to me and my needs and I discovered through an accident that he was viewing p-rn. When I asked him about it, he admitted to it, but said he would stop. I'm not sure that men, or women for that fact, understand how another feels when their partner views other people intimately while pleasing themselves. I can say for me, I feel cheated on, disrespected, lied to, manipulated and not good enough. Granted, no one can make me feel any way but myself, but behaviors of another can affect others.

His indiscretions turned to me questioning how he was viewing my daughters. They are not his by blood. There were several questionable situations that I now believe he was peeping on them.

This is not about us!!! You have the problem. If your wife were an alcoholic, and she said she drank because you viewed this filth, whose problem would the drinking be? Take responsibility for your own behaviors and actions.

Own up to the fact that your actions have caused dissention and division in your home. If your wife is anything like me, if you keep your junk in your pants, out of your hands and eyes off p*rn, maybe you can begin to gain the trust back. You can only fix yourself. It's not the lack of sex in your marriage causing your addiction, it's your inability to face the fact that you have a problem and are not willing to work on it.

Thoughts welcome - my thoughts
by: Catherine

Firstly, thanks for your honesty. I think too many women find the lying side to his vulgar addition is hard to handle let alone everything else.

You sound like you want your marriage to work and that it is worth fighting for - but I guess only you can determine that?

What does your wife say to your question regarding the use of dirty movies to curb your needs? Is she fine with it (I assume not)? And if not, have you considered her reasons? The degradation of women and girls, the link to sex trafficking, changes to the brain, negative behavioral changes, why the women are in this industry in the first place, and who is profiting off all of this?

P*rn takes away intimacy, connection, love etc. All those things that humans need and desire. Would you mind if your wife was using lewd videos over you? In my opinion, this smut leaves you very alone, it leaves you living a life with no pure connection or intimacy, and it provides for narcissistic traits to begin to appear, and you'll end up being a man with little or no substance.

I say move on from your marriage or work at it. And the reason I say that is because I want a better world for women and children. Seeing a human as a tool to get off with will only end up with you dehumanizing people, mainly women and girls. Every click creates more problems, and you are contributing to that. Spend some time finding out just how bad this is for humans, and then find out how you can pleasure yourself but not at the expense of others. I hope you no longer have to struggle through this and that you begin to have more meaning in your life than you do now. I hope your romantic life has more meaning at some stage.

I have left my husband due to his filthy habit and how he has treated me over the years. I want trust, connection and intimacy in a relationship that is genuine - and not sex that is brought on by watching this stuff.

I say leave if the p*rn bothers her, because that's not being a good husband, that's being selfish. My husband lied to me for 20 years - I could have been with a much better man had I known earlier.

Thanks again for being honest and sharing your story on this blog. There are a lot of women hurting here, and they have very good reasons to be feeling this way. We all need good men in our lives and men who think of others over their own needs.

TO : Thoughts welcome
by: Green eyed girl

I am not offended by your post in the least. I understand that men from time to time view this stuff to aid in self-gratification. I have absolutely no problem with that. It’s when it’s a substitute for intimacy and affection. It’s when your wife is ready, willing, and able and you choose p*rn over her. It’s when she feels neglected or compared to the unrealistic things you are watching and becoming desensitized to. It’s when you make her feel inadequate and unattractive because of your constant usage. It would be best for you to work with your wife and gain back the emotional closeness you have lost, then the intimacy will follow naturally. I’m sure if she loves you that’s what she’s hoping for. Marriage is hard and it’s not all about sex, but it’s so important. Woman are different; we need to feel wanted and connected, after years together it’s not always about lust. I hope you can work it out. Good luck.

Thoughts welcome.
by: Anonymous

I’m sure this post won’t last long, as many people might be offended, and that is not my intention. I am posing these thoughts as a person who is struggling to be the best husband I can be. My wife and I are currently experiencing some hard times, and as anyone that is married can tell you, it takes two to tango. My wife is not solely to blame for our problems and neither am I; marriage is just hard, and totally worth fighting for.

To my knowledge neither of us has been unfaithful, in the physical sense; but as the frequency and quality of our sex life has diminished over the last 4 years, I have found that my consumption of p*rnography has dramatically increased. It’s not that I prefer this stuff to her, but that we have disconnected on an emotional and physical level and now do not have sex at all. She says that she has things that she needs to work through on her own before we can begin to reconnect, things that have to do and have nothing to do with me, and I respect that and own my own role in the disintegration of our relationship.

My thoughts come to this page in regards to the use of adult videos to curb needs that men experience. I’m not trying to diminish the pain and suffering that this addiction can and has caused; I can certainly understand, I’m shocked by how quickly I’ve become desensitized to certain things. My question is more about the role that a diminished sex life, lack of connection (both physical and emotional) and one-sided nature of a partner imposed abstinence has on the consumption of such material. I truly want to be the best husband I can be, but have unmet needs and am struggling with this issue. I cannot simply go without sexual gratification and honestly prefer it to occur with images of her; however, she feels that to do so is violating her. I respect her feelings, but I’m at my wits end. I’ll not be held hostage by the whims of uncertainty any longer. At what point do I stop being a pervert and just become a man with unmet needs that is struggling to cope with the problems that many marriages encounter?

To Sophie
by: Gail

I am saddened by the fact that marriages and relationships are being destroyed by internet p-rn addiction.

No it does not go away… under 8% make a long term recovery and that takes work, dedication but most of all a HEART that wants change.

If I was in my twenties I would absolutely leave and not look back. I loved my husband and believed the lies and tears as he looked into my eyes and lied over and over...addicts lie. You will battle this your entire relationship and it does take over your life. I lost my identity and joy in living from decades of dealing with this.

Please look after yourself. Get a good education and job and focus on yourself first. There are men that are not addicted but the problem is TRUST. As well these urges have taken over the lives of so many people that it is becoming difficult to find honest men that will speak the truth.

It robs humans of intimacy and time that should be invested in each other. This world is turning more evil. The adult industry and human trafficking are linked. Anyone with a conscience should flee from this garbage.

I feel so lost
by: Sophie

I'm still in my twenties and was considering starting a family with my boyfriend of 5 years. One day I checked his phone and he confessed to having a severe p*rn addiction. He would choose that over having sex with me. For 5 years I've felt my confidence and self-worth decreasing a lot. I used to be so confident but that's all gone now. I have supported him throughout therapy and various self-help groups - but recently caught him back in his perverted loop. It's never going to end is it?

We took a break a few days ago. He moved in with his parents to give me some space and much needed time to think this all through. I love this guy but I think I need to love myself more. It's never going to end right? I don't think I can live with it anymore. It's destroying my life and I think I deserve better.

Sorry if my English is not the best, it's not my first language. I just needed to get out with my frustrations. This thread has really helped me a lot.

To Teri
by: Anonymous

My advice to you is to run, not walk, away from this pervert. He didn't even have the decency to go into the bathroom to do his dirty work, he let you think you were crazy because he was so damn lazy.

58 is the new 48, go out and enjoy life. You deserve better than what you've ended up with. Do you want to look back when you're 68 and ask yourself why you didn't leave a decade ago?

Tired
by: Teri

I am 58 and have been in this relationship for about 15 years. A few years back I was using his laptop and discovered about 1000 bookmarks for filthy sites. I should have left him then but I didn’t. I asked him about it and he had the typical response "I’m not doing anything wrong." He never admitted anything at all. I was hurt very deeply. Every time I tried to bring it up he denied it and it always let to an argument.

That’s not even where the problem is now, because once again I came to believe it was all in my head. Now the problem is every night I go to bed (not stretching at all) the bed starts shaking. I’m not talking for just a few minutes, I’m talking for hours. I would ask him if he felt it and of course he would say no, this has now been going on for several years.

There were nights I would get out off bed just crying my eyes out because I honestly thought I was losing my mind. Many, many sleepless nights. I have went days with no sleep knowing that I was actually going insane. He would get so angry with me because I was keeping him awake. The thought of him pleasing himself never crossed my mind. Not until recently that is. I was sleeping and got woke up to his doing it so hard that it dawned on me that it had been him this whole time. The whole time I was terrified I was going insane, it was him.

Now that I’m older I no longer have the energy to fight with him. I have kept a journal for quite some time now and 4 out of 7 days I get no sleep at all. I know it has affected every aspect of my life and I know my health is in jeopardy but like I said, I’m drained.

Dear healing from the pain
by: Anonymous

I found the courage to leave a 10 year relationship (8 of which I was married), because I feel I would never be able regain trust, emotional and physical intimacy ever again. This was after he lied time and time again about his continued use of p*rn and self-pleasing behaviors. The final straw was walking in on him watching it and getting off with our bedroom door open while my 17 year old daughter was sleeping in the other room.

He was supposedly in recovery for his addiction and was attending support group meetings. How could I possibly ever trust him again after his repeated dishonesty about watching this stuff, dumb phone games and other little things? How do you trust someone with your heart, feelings, and emotions when all they do is repeatedly lie to do such selfish things for themselves?

I realized enough was enough. I didn't deserve the treatment I was receiving. Was I a perfect wife? No. Are there things I have done wrong in our marriage? Yes. Did I deserve all that he had done? No! Am I worth more and do I deserve more in life? YES!!!

My home closes escrow in a few weeks. I have found my own new home to take my daughters. I finally have peace of mind knowing that I won't ever have to wonder if he is still watching the garbage, lying, get his jollies off, etc. That's something he will have to reconcile and make an account for during his judgment.

He finally moved out of the home and I haven't been happier. I am at peace. When he reaches out to me to ask a question, my stomach turns and everything comes back at once. Complete disgust. I will be incredibly happy when this chapter of my life is closed.

I understand that some are able to recover. I am in recovery from drugs and alcohol myself for the past 12 years. Recovery happens one day at a time. I know that my lying, cheating and stealing of trust and emotions is all a part of my past behaviors. Once those start up in me again, I may as well drink or use. I was taught that I don't have to be using substances to be in a relapse. I feel the same is true for p*rn addiction. They start to relapse once and all the other behaviors start. They must work at their recovery just as drug/alcohol addicts must. Without recovery and working a program every day, there is no such thing as them being in recovery.

You shouldn't have to install anything on their device in order to feel they are stopping. Goodness knows they will find a way if they really want to. Most do.

I hope the best for you. I know I have never felt better.

Healing from the pain
by: Anonymous

Has anyone returned to a somewhat normal relationship after discovering p*rn use by your husband or boyfriend? The trust is gone after those continuous lies and excuses. I found a way to block some things on his phone and he claims he is okay with it, but I don’t know how you can quit cold turkey when several years have passed and it was never a thought in his mind to just not search for it. All the searching for specific adult movie "stars" and lies about it all have created such disconnect and distance between us. I don’t enjoy sex with him anymore, nor do I feel comfortable with him in that aspect. There is no intimacy. He tries to tell me I’m beautiful or my body is perfect and he loves it and me, but I no longer believe these things. How do you heal from this?

Regretful husband
by: JAS

I want to say to all of the wives and girlfriends who have experienced the deceit that comes with your partner’s addiction to this garbage, I am so very sorry!

I have been married 24 years and have finally come to the fact that I am addicted to p*rn. For years I’ve caused my wife heartbreak and created mistrust which I feel is irreparable at this point.

I’ve started genuine self-reflection and soul searching and have been reading Homecoming, by John Bradshaw. Having come from a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic mother and misogynist father, I am trying to reconcile the unresolved ‘wounded inner child’ and help create a new, happier me.

I have started speaking with a new counselor who, like me, has been addicted.

Like a 12-step program, this will be a day by day process. I hope each of you find peace and ultimately a happy place. My apologies for men like us.

To: All A Lie
by: Green eyed girl

So sorry to hear your story. May I ask, What made him confess? Is he reaching for help? Wondering if they can really be helped. If you read down on these posts there’s a man who has seemed to turn himself around. Nothing will make up for years of betrayal. Just wondering if anyone here can see fresh starts and new beginnings 😔

All a lie
by: Anonymous

Well, I've been living a lie for my marriage of 13 years. I've known him for 17 years, over half my life.

He knew how I felt about the smut. Since early on, I expressed to him that watching it was a betrayal and lack of respect and he assured me he understood and would never watch it. I questioned him for years after, checking in, and even caught him once. He lied his way out of it.

Well, my "d-day" came fast and hard. He admitted it to me on a Friday in the middle of my work day that he was a p*rn addict. Shock doesn't even begin to describe it. This man I loved for so long and was a huge piece of me was a p*rn addict? He was one of the good ones, or so I thought. And I felt so beyond betrayed. And flat out stupid.

I am an empathetic person by nature and have tried to work through these emotions to save our marriage, but for what? There is nothing to save because it was all a lie.

Not much else to say I guess. Thanks for listening and as sucky as it is, I'm glad I'm not alone.

Marital Assets
by: Anonymous

I want to address Anonymous who signed everything over to her husband and feels she has no financial means to leave. Please make an appointment for a consultation with a divorce lawyer so that you understand your rights. In many states it does not matter that property is titled in only one spouses name, it is still considered joint marital assets under the law. It is very likely that you still have a fifty percent interest is the assets you signed over to him. Please research the laws of your State before you give up on leaving.

Support
by: Anonymous

Would anyone on this website like to exchange phone numbers so we can talk and support each other thru this? I haven't found a counselor who is trained to treat my trauma and sometimes I just want to talk to someone who can relate to my situation. My email is allegiantns (at) gmail.com (notary service email) if you're interested.

Recovery
by: Andrew

"These filthy perverts live shallow empty lives and when it comes their time to leave this earth what kind of legacy are they going to leave?"

That comment hits the mark dead center. I've posted a few times before as an ex p*rn addict and each time a few have questioned what recovery I did.

Before I get to that, I completely understand and empathize with what each of you are going through. My wife could have written Mallory's post below word for word. What I keep asking myself now as I reflect on wasting 20 years of my wife's life, is how could I not see p*rn for what it is, why did I not learn my lesson the first, second, third, fourth time (I had been found out a few times over the 20 years)?

I can accept that I wasted my own life, I've only got myself to blame. But my wife did not ask for this, nor did she deserve any of it, not for 5 minutes let alone 20 years. I was living a lie, and therefore, unwittingly, so was she. I didn't actually look at this stuff for all of those 20 years, but in the time that I didn't view it, I still fantasized about other women, some of these women my wife knew, including her sister so really there is no difference, in fact on some levels it’s worse. I've betrayed her, lied to her, not cared, and didn’t nurture and worship her in the way that I should have. She deserved a hell of a lot better than what I gave her – she deserved someone other than me.

And she won't get those years back, she can't relive them. You all talk about trust being gone - it's so true. I naively thought that if I never looked at p*rn again, I could fix this, but that is only a ticket to the main dance which hasn't even begun. Once trust has gone everything falls apart. I was in denial as to how bad things were, and embarrassed and ashamed of who I had become. So I continued to lie to my wife which made things worse. I told her and my step daughter I hadn’t viewed p*rnography for years. Lying makes it so much worse, it caused so much additional conflict and anxiety for my family, this damage is still raw, like it was yesterday for her.

My recovery started with inner reflection rather than a true understanding of the damage I'd caused to my wife by my actions over the previous 20 years. I was sitting on the couch watching TV with my laptop on my lap watching this trash and I stated to reflect. Was I a good human being? What type of example am I setting my children (and what would they think of me if they knew the truth about their Dad)? Why was I feeling lonely, isolated, depressed? Why did I avoid people and going out with friends?

I decided then that I'd had enough and I closed the laptop. I have never viewed p*rnography since that time. But of course the work didn't stop with 20 minutes of self-reflection. I knew from experience if I didn't do things differently I’d relapse like every other time. I read a number of books, including "Out of the Dog House" and "Living with a Sex Addict – from crisis to recovery", my wife would send me a lot of articles and you tube videos and I would read websites including Collective Shout, eChildhood and Culture Reframed – I get sent email comms for these sites and ensure I read them all.

More recently I have read "Paid For – My Journey Through Prostitution" by Rachel Moran. It was only then that I truly began to understand the true nature of the p*rn industry. How oppressive it is, how 99% of women are not there by free choice and all of them are exploited by men.

I know what my values and morals are and I work every day to live these. I do not believe that I am a bad person that doesn’t care about other people. I know my actions of the previous 20 years would prove otherwise, but rather I believe I lost my way and finally, as a now near 50 year old, I’m finally becoming the person I should have always been. I don’t get it right all the time, I’m human, but I can say I will never disrespect a women in any way shape or form again as long as I live.

Right now, being 3 years p*rn free I am very conscious that I don’t have a great legacy to leave this world. And I still have a long way to go to truly stand in my wife’s shoes and feel her pain and long, long suffering. I am trying to make it up to her (we are separated), but how does anyone do that effectively after putting someone through an ordeal like that for so many years. Being given chance after chance and being too self-centered, arrogant and narcissistic to make the changes needed and put others first.

A common thread running through all these posts are that the husbands and boyfriends don’t think there is anything wrong with what they are doing, or it’s not that bad. It is that bad, it is wrong and you all deserve much, much better. From my own experience a man causes a lot more damage than simply stopping looking at p*rn will fix. There’s so much more to it.

I have a long way to go to prove to my wife that I do love her, respect her and am able to stand in her shoes and truly understand all the pain and hurt I’ve caused her. Until she feels it, I haven’t done the work.

I do hope I can use my experiences and put them to some good use in the future to help educate men and boys as to the real dangers of p*rnography, the harm it does to those that view it, the harm caused to those women trafficked and subject to modern slavery, and the damage it does to women in general who all feel the impact of this insidious culture.

I can confidently guide my daughter and educate her about our sexualized culture, the pressures she will feel as she becomes a teenager and how to deal with these. I can also confidently guide my son to respect all women and not become part of the problem.

You don’t need me to give you any advice. I do wish you all the best and I do appreciate being given the opportunity to read your experiences, as terrible as they are. They do strengthen my resolve to keep working hard to make it up to those that I love the most and have hurt so, so badly.

To Anonymous
by: Green eyed girl

Thank you for your kind words. I know you are right. If I leave him, he’ll be with some piece of trash that would never love and care about him the way I do. No legacy for sure. If his two girls knew the man he really is, they’d be heartbroken. I’m going to try to work on myself and just see how it goes.

To Greene Eyed Girl
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry you're going thru this. Our stories are very similar. I began to see in my husband’s eyes that he was critical of my body when I went thru menopause too. He was into the filthy stuff for at least 6 of the 16 years we've been married. His thing is Kpop girls. On d-day I asked him why, he said "because they're young and thin". BTW, he's 54 years old, had a big stomach and is not very well endowed.

I'm not overweight, I do weight training and 40 minutes of aerobics every other day. Believe me when I tell you that it's not us, they live in a perverted fantasy world.

We need to stop thinking we're not good enough for them and realize that they're not good enough for us. We women need to demand more in our lives. Sex with them will always be dirty. There will never be trust.

These filthy perverts live shallow empty lives and when it comes their time to leave this earth what kind of legacy are they going to leave?

Continue to be hurt
by: Greene eyed girl

I relate to every woman on here. I met my husband 15 years ago while going through a divorce. Believe me I wasn’t looking for a man, but the company and attention was comforting. I began seeing him and pursuing my divorce which my ex dragged on for 7yrs. He stayed by my side through lots of craziness. We had a strong physical relationship, I hadn’t realized how much I missed that. He promised me the world and asked me to marry him for years, which I eventually did. We had watched adult videos together on occasion, but it really wasn’t till we were married that I realized how often he was doing it. I’d leave for work and he’d immediately be on, regardless if we had just had sex or not. I started to spy on him and it’s out of control. Sometimes looking at girls that look as if they haven’t gone through puberty.

I’ve confronted him many times. It causes arguments at times, but he denies it. He’s discovered the incognito page and now goes on it that way, I’ve heard him on it. Our sex life is going down the tubes. I feel unattractive and uncomfortable in my own body. Especially because I have gained weight going through menopause. He tells me how beautiful I am and sexy. I don’t believe he thinks that. How can he, when he continues to watch other women? He was extremely promiscuous before me, never faithful. I’m torn on what I’ll do. He doesn’t realize what he’s doing to me. I’m slowing pulling away, forcing myself to have sex with him thinking things will change. He’s been saying why don’t I dress up for him anymore? I used to a lot. I don’t anymore because I feel like I’m being compared and not good enough. He’s making me feel terrible about myself.

I still get looked out and flirted with when out. I’m pretty, hardworking, and compassionate. I take pride in my home and myself. I’m a nurse and a good person.

He says I’ve invaded his privacy, it’s none of my business blah, blah, blah. It is my business he’s my husband and it’s affecting our relationship severely! I’m so sad all the time and hiding it the best I can.

So over the excuses
by: Christina

Hi everyone. As I've read all your horrific stories, my heart breaks for each of you. I can relate as my heart has also been shattered repeatedly by the devastation that this filth can bring into a relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He has many good qualities, but also has a p*rn addiction and has for many years. It began for him at 8 yrs. old. He was invited to a friend's and that boy introduced him to it via VHS tapes, which were the thing at that time. From there, it worsened and intensified, and when internet p*rn became popular, he was all in. Early in our relationship, I discovered he had "bedroom issues". These issues were in the form of DE (delayed ejaculation). Now, initially, one might not see this as much of a problem. I mean, isn't one of our complaints that some men don't last long? Well, in this case, as many of you know, it wasn't any dream come true, to say the least. It came to my attention that my boyfriend was pleasuring himself several times a week to the tune of hardcore p*rn use. Let me say, I am not at all opposed to pleasing yourself--it's completely normal. I'm really not even opposed to watching adult videos occasionally when it's viewed together as a couple and mutually agreed upon......BUT when it is viewed by the man in secret, and then they lie when they get "caught", and it causes things like DE, that's when it has become problematic and can destroy a relationship, shatter trust, and deplete a women's self-worth.

My sex life with my boyfriend was incredible initially. We moved in together 3 years ago and had an amazing love life, sometimes twice a day. I remember one day finding out that he viewed p*rn after I had left for work in the morning (I leave about 1.5 hours before him). He and I had just made love the night before. A lot of men complain their partner won't "put out" enough, but I'm here to tell you that has never been the case with me. Not only am I normally open to to it whenever, but I am in it to please him, and have never denied him what he asks for. I thought it was strange that he was unable to finish with regular intercourse, as men normally do. I had never encountered this before and I was married twice.

When I found out p*rn was the cause of his DE, I was of course hurt, but more importantly, I couldn't figure out why he wasn't taking steps to fix it. We fought a lot about this, and I mean a lot! I told him many times I wasn't opposed to p*rn entirely unless it was causing issues like his, resulting in performance and relationship issues. I also told him I get how single men might be more into that, but why would someone in a committed relationship want to watch this stuff alone. To make it worse, I am a psychiatric nurse, so the topic of issues like this aren't by any stretch foreign to me. I have heard mainly women (but some men too), express their heart-felt stories and the devastation that p*rn addiction has brought to their lives, at the time never dreaming I was going to be in the eye of the hurricane myself.

I am 53 years young, and my boyfriend is 50 years old. I consider myself to be a very young 53. I take great care of myself, I'm active, in shape, do my hair and make-up every day, and get hit on by many men, most of whom are much younger than me.

As a psych nurse, I already know the drill and what needs to happen here to treat this problem. Yet here I am, depressed myself, with my self-esteem plummeting at a fast pace by the day. When we are in love with someone it puts a whole new dimension in with what we know should be common sense.

At first, my solution, so I thought, was to become more open minded, so I agreed to view it with him. Well, this has proved to be a HUGE mistake. It got to the point where every time we had sex (which was daily at first, but since then, every other day), he put his flash drive in the computer and was playing the p*rn compilations throughout our entire session. During this time, his eyes were affixed to not me, but what was happening on the screen. I was nothing more than a tool for him to use to get off. I lay there as he's doing his thing to me and not once does he glance my way because he's watching some chick get drilled by some guys on the screen. In addition to this, he's unable to finish (minus a few times), unless I provide him with oral gratification. There was no foreplay, no gazing into my eyes, no touching me gently, telling me he loves me, etc. Just sex.

I was kidding myself and actually thought I could handle p*rn being part of my relationship, but this is not at all what I dreamed of my relationship being. I believe that there are cases where if a couple is ok with it and it's occasional, then it's probably ok, but it is NOT ok when it's used in a way that causes distress of any type to the other person, or if it is used all the time in order for him to be able to perform and stay aroused.

I'm really sick and fu****g tired of hearing and reading about men's urges and that watching this stuff is normal, that every man looks at it. When you are an adult, YOU are in control of your choices and when you make your choice you better realize there are consequences to those choices. Men continuously say they have this "primal" desire that is inbreeded in them. Well, I've got news for them, if you show me a pic of a hot hard body 25 year old man, next to a 60 year old man, my primal eyes will be more drawn to the 25 year one, every damn time! That's not the point though, all men (and women) have control over the choices they make, so all you men singing the woes that you can't help it because it's a "primal" thing, that is nothing short of BS and you need to grow the hell up, you're not freaking 16 years old anymore.

This vile industry is creating an army of men even in their 20's who can't get it up anymore because they've managed to rewire their brain so drastically to only being able to have a full sexual response to hardcore videos. They come into my department where I work in their 20's wanting Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, etc., and they go pale when the doctor breaks the news to them that those medications won't work as their issue is not organic, but rather a "brain" problem... Well guys, you better start getting panicked about this because we are creating a world of young impotent men and with the p*rn industry at an all-time high, this is only going to get worse and worse.

I don't give a damn if men think all men view this stuff and therefore it's ok for them or not. If you are hurting the woman you profess to love, then grow up and be a man, and realize if you continue this pattern, your relationship will surely die, and you will spend your later years ALONE!

As for me, I know I deserve way better than what's being given back to me by my boyfriend. I'm saving up money and unless there is a miracle, I'm done. I'm angry at myself for lowering my standards to this point for him when I knew better. He should be the one scared, I am a nurse who works full time, while he has lost his job during this pandemic and has been on unemployment since late March. We aren't married, so there will be no dividing assets. I'll leave with what I came into the relationship with, including my Lexus; which I purchased!

That being said, I realize I am way luckier than a lot of the women who posted on here, who feel stuck, be it because of having young kids or not having financial means. My heart breaks for all of you ladies and I hope somehow there will be a way for you to get out! My kids are grown up, I am financially independent, and I can leave whenever I want.

My advice to any young woman experiencing a relationship where p*rn is the focus, MOVE ON if you get any push back at all. Do not lower your standards to please a man. If they love you and know you aren't comfortable with something, they will stop, period! If they love you they will NEVER ask you to compromise your values! Any other BS answer or argument they use as a feeble attempt to justify their actions is just that, BS!

In most cases of p*rn addiction, I can tell you from what I've seen as a healthcare professional, they don't stop and it usually worsens, but I believe it's mostly because they don't want to stop. On a positive note, all men don't use this filth as a coping tool. Actually real men don't use it at all because they don't need to. That's the guy I want to meet. Ladies, we all need to strive to keep our own values intact. They should never be allowed to be compromised by anyone! I feel so much better getting this out! Whew!

Mallory
by: Anonymous

I'm with Robin and I completely repeat her words.

Well done, Mallory - you deserve the world, not a d**khead.

To Robin
by: Mallory

Thank you Robin! I will not do this again, it is not worth the heartaches, let alone the useless time spent. He is kissing my @ss, I wrote him a really long message (which I will copy and paste it here). I am proud of myself. I have accomplished so much a single mother before him, and I’m going to keep doing it. I don’t want to deal with his problems. If it was a problem he should have laid it out on the table when we were first met, the same that I did. He is running around in panic trying to fix this. His history shows he found a counselor (I call BS, he's ordering books, he's reading… but at the end of the day, he is a jerk who had 1 solid chance and he blew. Not my problem anymore. Here is the message I sent him…

"I feel gross in my own skin. And some days, I feel like no longer trying. I just want to run away. I like to face my own problems, but this, this is just killing me. Every ounce of energy I have is being sucked out of me. I cannot focus. I have no one to turn to. The one person I trusted, I no longer trust. The one person that I thought was my hero, was in return everything but that.

You promised me you would never hurt me when we met. You are the one person I was always so proud of, the one person that I knew I could count on. My best friend, my super hero, my soul mate, my true love. I remember the day I told you I was pregnant, I had so many ideas for when the time came, I was going to surprise you, but I couldn't even hold the excitement it. I remember the day you asked me to marry you, I swore up and down that was one of the best days of my life. I finally had it all. Everything, I ever dreamed of. All the things I finally desired to have, I had it. It’s amazing how one person can make you feel like you are the only person in this world. And it’s amazing how quickly it can get ripped away…

You say, this isn't your fault. You say it has nothing to do with me. I don’t believe you, you have lied about this through and through. Bearing our child, my pregnancy body was supposed to be what you thought was sexy and attractive… not women on the internet. Not Facebook friends or suggestions. Not all the nasty words you search for. ME. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE your everything! This IS about me, and your problem created my problems.

I used to be gorgeous. A perfect smile, assets, men would grovel over me, beg me for a date, promised a world that I knew wasn't real. But for some crazy reason, I chose you. I chose your lies, and I never should have. I should have kept pooling the numbers, worry about the kids and my career. Worry about where the kids and I were going to go on vacation, or day trip. I promised after marrying a pill-popping dummy, I would never make myself vulnerable to another man ever again. I thought after my divorce that maybe all men aren't the same. When in fact. Every last one has some f-ed up issue. It’s always drugs, alcohol or women.

I am by no means perfect, I know that for a fact. My anxiety has amplified in the course of months. I thought maybe something was wrong with ME. I know I had commitment issues and communication issues when I met you, I told you. I told you every last one of my deepest darkest secrets (even if it embarrassed me) but I came forward and I told you. You don't want to deal with it, then go. You chose to stick around, you promised you were everything you said you were. That was a lie. All of that honeymoon phase would slip away daily. My forever, my best friend, my soul mate, the man whose world I cherished, the man who I once adored and was so smitten over.

I have been kicked down on so many occasions. I do everything for everyone and I know better, yet I still forgive. What the F is wrong with me? Why? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I let my guard down? I want my marriage back, but I know what will happen. Everything I have read all goes back to the same thing. You won't stop, you're just going to get better at hiding it, and I believe you are already a few steps ahead of me. I don’t think for one second in 2 weeks you haven't looked, aside from hot cheerleaders and gorgeous women. I can't live paranoid, I am literally making myself crazy. I am a better person than that, I’m a better mom than that. I am a great wife, at the least so I thought. I deserved was a good man by my side. Silly me. Fooled again.

I have told you on several occasions, I miss you grabbing my hand in a store, or walking anywhere for that matter. I miss you kissing me like you love me, I miss who I thought you were. I try, I have, but when you pull away, you're just pushing me further and further away. I will never look like a super model, I can try, but it will never replicate what you love. Addiction or not, eventually you're going to get bored with me, I’m not some 5-star rated internet skank. I am Mallory. I can dress up, I can dress down, I can be sexy, but YOU NEVER EVEN GAVE ME A CHANCE TO TRY! You just found what you wanted. YOU clearly are looking for more, because I have told you several times, take pictures of me! I figure if MY HUSBAND has pictures of HIS WIFE, all the BS he has told me about how it isn't me, would go away. Why am I trying so much harder than you?! WHY CANT YOU JUST LOOK AT YOUR WIFE?

YOU DISGUST me. I WISH I had the demoralized brain that d**kheads have because I would do whatever I could to hurt you and make you feel like you are worthless and garbage, like you were nothing but a piece of dirt. Ugly, unattractive, unwanted. I wish for one day I didn't have a heart, or a conscience to just get even with everyone that has F’d me over. Not once, but MANY times. Regardless if you hurt me or not. You admitted to me you were looking to see if you could find better, you said you were done. I believed you for half a second. Until I saw you were continuing to look for better. Then the sl-ts you were checking out and watching on Facebook. I truly believe you have spoken to these women. You've admitted you know how to delete things.

Now I sit and wonder, what else has he lied about? Do I need to get checked for STDs? Man, the way a mind runs wild when the most trusted person can take away every bit of security. I pray you never have to feel insecure within your relationships. I have never given you anything but love, trust, honesty, value, and security. I am the way I am because of my past. Now I'm beginning not to wonder why I don’t act like everyone who has ever been in my life. I don’t have it in me to be like that. I have morals.

And now I plan to revert back to who I was before I met you. That’s what I want. I want to be happy, I want to live and love my life to the fullest. I am financially stable, and have 3 amazing children to hold me high even on my worst days. I will be me again. I will smile and love myself for who I am, not who I'm trying to be because some man made me think I am less than that. I am beautiful and I deserve the world. You will see, I promise you."

All I can say is, he messed up the best damn thing to ever happen to him.

To Mallory
by: Robin

I am so proud of you!

Sending you a huge hug!!!!!!!!! We deserve so much better than this and feeling like we married dirty birds.


Robin

I just found out
by: Mallory

I don’t even know what to say… 1 year of marriage after 3 years dating, and now a 14 month old and my two older children from a previous marriage. I decided to open his tablet one day, and went into his YouTube. I found some things of women dancing in lingerie, then on his YouTube account, I went to settings, then to other Google activity (on his iPad). Well, that’s when it all began, nasty videos galore, so I confronted him. He promised to stop, then he got a new phone and threw his old one in the drawer. Well Facebook and other apps were still active. I opened his fb, went to his search activity and all these videos he watch of other women. Then last night he searched his Pinterest for "hot cheerleaders" and "gorgeous women".... I must say, I’m 35 and good looking, wtf is his deal?

I told him the last time 2 weeks ago (mind you I found out about 2 months ago) when I took my wedding rings off to get his act together... He put my rings back on me and promised me the world. Last night I texted him "hot cheerleaders" while he went to pick up dinner while doing virtual school with my 2 older kids. I run a logistics company, I did it myself before him, and I’m fixing to do it all again with 3 kids.

After the kids went to bed last night, he told me it was a mistake, he started to look and then stopped. Okay… so that's why you searched 2 different things? I got right in his face and told him "I hope you enjoy this filth, the other women, and any other things you do, because that's all you have now. I told him to find a plan and get the F out of MY house. The house is in my name, FYI.... I said you are my mistake, you're no better than my ex-husband, you sir are a complete dirt bag and I’m going to run circles around your sorry rear-end.

I haven't spoken to him since. Okay, now I’m done. I just don’t have anyone to vent too! Stay safe ladies. I did the abusive marriage thing with my ex-husband and if you’re in the same situation, get the F out. If you need questions answered and want to know how I did it, feel free to ask. I refuse to be the poo on the bottom of some condescending jerks shoe, and neither should any of you gorgeous women. I am so glad to have found other people going through this. I thought I was just an insecure woman.

To: Not sure what to do...
by: Gail

There are huge warning signs with your husband. Please listen to the advice from other women who have been through the roller coaster ride of p*rn addiction to save yourself from a life of heartache, lies and emotional abuse.

There is no way this just started up a few months ago. His depth of addiction is alarming. This addiction escalates from viewing pictures and videos to reaching out and chatting and connecting with women. Sending pictures is absolutely a sign of a man who has lost his sense of reasoning.

If this is not alarming enough, then spending the $$$ should be the icing on the cake. He could well be spending a lot more you do not even know about. He is lost in a web of addiction and lies. Don't make the mistake of staying for decades and watching your money disappear.

Bottom line...the best thing you can do is separate immediately and focus on yourself. Get an education and a good job. You deserve better.

Not sure what to do
by: Anonymous

I’ve been married for 5 years. We have a 15 month old daughter, but my husband’s p*rn addiction has just started 3 months ago. He’s always liked to view this stuff, but now he’s paying for it and started taking pictures of himself and sending them to women. I told him to stop the first time I saw what he was doing. The 2nd time he made the excuse that it’s not real women, it’s just a computer you’re chatting with. The third time I found the $700 he’s put on credit cards and found pictures on his phone of himself. He told me that I needed to stop digging for stuff, that it was just p*rn. I don’t know what to do and really not sure if he’s done more than what I’ve found, especially since I know he’s a good liar. I’m willing to work through this with him, but I’m not sure how I can trust him again?!?

Never, ever trust a man.
by: Anonymous

I discovered my husband’s p*rn use on my birthday two months ago. He had the time to pleasure himself, but couldn't find the time to get me a $20 gift I had told him about several times. His nasty habit has been going on for at least 6 of the 16 years we've been married. For the full 16 years he's been an alcoholic and a liar.

When I met him he sold himself as a very moral man with great integrity. My first husband was a p*rn and sex addict, so when I met my second husband, I vowed to have a long engagement and make sure to check him out in every way possible. We were engaged for 3 years and I watched his behavior closely. He told me over and over that he hated p*rn. He certainly learned to love it after 10 years of marriage.

From the beginning of our marriage he never seemed to like sex. His first marriage ended because of that very reason. I begged him to see a therapist but he insisted that he was okay. I gave up my sex life because I thought he might be gay, but I was willing to stay with him because I loved him so much. I dressed up for work and used to wear the skirts, hose and heels that I found out he was looking up online and getting off on it. I got compliments all the time on my looks and figure, but I never did anything for him.

When I found the soft p*rn, the hard stuff and pictures of celebrities on his phone, I was disgusted. He has a thing for underage Korean girls. He has the mentality of a 14 year old, this smut has this effect on people. He has admitted that if he didn't wake up stiff, he would watch it to get that way. He watched soft p*rn at work and would go into the bathroom to get off.

The content of the videos he was watching was disgusting. I found that he watched a step-father messing around with his step daughter. He is a step-father to my daughter. I had to ask my daughter if she had ever felt unsafe around him. Luckily she said she didn't, but she figured out why I had asked. Now that situation is weird.

He has quit drinking and viewing this trash (2 months now) because he wants to stay together. I wrote a contract with my demands, I bought a breathalyzer, and he traded in his phone and got one that doesn't have internet. His computer has also had the internet disabled, I have spyware on it to make sure. When I leave the house, I take my laptop with me. I'm having him sign a quit claim deed to our property, sign the savings accounts over to me and agree to pay me a substantial amount of spousal support if he falls off the wagon with the booze or the p*rn.

I love him but I'm not afraid to live on my own. It's better than living with a selfish, lying, drunk smut addict. We're both seeing a therapist. I have PTSD from the stuff I saw on his phone and I've starting having panic attacks too. I know I'll never respect and love him like I used to, he has harmed the woman he vowed to protect. I urge all of you ladies to see a therapist and journal your feelings. Both have helped me so much. Come what may, I know that I'll never be the same person I was and I'll NEVER, EVER trust another man.

Confusion and lies..
by: Gail

Internet smut has destroyed marriages and individuals...very sad.

My heart breaks for all the hurting women on this page. I had to end my 26 year old marriage to a man over this.

It just never ends...the gas lighting, lying and yes their brain physically changes. They become angry and sarcastic individuals. Men and women are spending their time staring at filth on a computer screen...and I am talking some dark and disturbing stuff...it escalates to acting out and contacting people...affairs etc...

Internet p*rn fuels human trafficking and so many perverted things. It is the downfall of society.

Get out sooner rather than later...it destroys everyone involved...leave. Work on healing and focus on loving and taking care of yourself.

Confusion and Lies
by: Christie

I found out 2 1/2 years ago and have been processing the trauma as best as I can, which is to say not very well. I find myself at times raging, sad, angry, and questioning do I even know this person that I’ve been married to for 20 years? The lies and gaslighting are the worst and leave the worst scars.

One of the worst aspects of this is the way it has colored my world...I now truly see men as vile and disgraceful. Even old men, as I’ve now read and researched so much and come to know even women in their 70s who are grandparents are dealing with this insanity with their husbands. As men say, "all men do it, get over it". We are being taught as a society to accept and even embrace p*rn, and the consequences are going to be truly devastating.

When I go for a walk with my husband (or do anything now really) and a woman or teen passes, I imagine he is sizing her up and dreaming of what she’d be like in bed. And why wouldn’t he? He’s been watching smut daily, up to 6x a day, for the last 10+ yrs... An obsession/addiction like that has to color your experience in the world. I was NEVER like this. I really thought he was respectful of me…what a joke.

I definitely have PTSD and betrayal trauma over this, and it’s hard to cope and see any beauty in the world anymore. When I threatened to leave, he says he’ll go to therapy. I’m like, "why? So you can fantasize about the therapist?" They do NOT get better, only better at hiding it. Read any stories from women, you will see.

I’d also like to add that when your man is addicted past a certain level, there is ALWAYS more to it… You may not have found it yet, but brace for it. I can’t tell you the form it will take… But over time, it will escalate. It’s like being an alcoholic that only drinks 4oz of vodka every day for 10 years… it ain’t gonna stay at that level.

I am not sure if I will leave. Some days I really want to, for the main reason that this is changing my personality and outlook and happiness so much. But realistically, probably not because I have put so much in, 20 years and 3 children, and also for the simple fact that there is nothing better out there. Because I was the woman who was SO glad to have such a decent and respectful husband who "wasn’t like that", that I respected too...but that was all a lie.

Need legal advice
by: Anonymous

Is it possible to have him arrested? How? What I need to do?

I know my husband is addicted to this obscene material, watches when he is alone or when I’m sleeping. He plays with himself when watching. The history of his tablet is full of what he's viewed. He sleeps in a separate room for every stupid excuse.

He lies, lies and lies endlessly about everything to everyone. He has cheated on me too. I saw a text from a girl on his mobile screen and he denied and lied again. Sometimes he smokes again secretly.

He also has suffered with depression in the past, but didn’t tell me about it before our marriage. Another lie. He had a very severe episode a couple of years ago and that was the first time I knew about it. He is so narcissist too. He believes he is a genius and can do anything and I can’t do anything about it.

I just want everybody knows about him and all his disgusting behaviors. Please help me how he can be arrested by law?

Never ending
by: Anonymous

All this makes me so sad. I haven’t read or written in a long time, and it’s so crazy how reading bits and pieces from here and there makes me relive my own experiences which I am still going thru. I am still with the guy, hate him more than I love him. Don’t know why I haven’t kicked him out yet because he does absolutely nothing. Oh excuse me… he plays with himself, watches filth, and smokes his life away.

This corona virus was it. I thought that maybe, possibly, he might wake up and be a productive member of the household with seven kids. No, not him. It was the perfect time for him to play stressed and even more dysfunctional. Here I go home schooling, cleaning, bathing, feeding, even doing laundry by hand. And he smokes, naps, and yanks his thang.

I’m angry and can’t remember the last time I felt any empathy towards him. Even the kids dislike him. When a three year old says I don’t love you… wow most men would shape up, but not him. He plays the role of the apologetic for a day or two… "How can I help you" or "I'm so proud of you". Man, it’s the same line for years, except now I don’t care.

I deserve better but I chose him, so sometimes I feel like I deserve this. I officially have moved to the living room and sleep on the floor just not to be near him (even his smell gets me mad along with his voice and his face). Every other day he is leaving me because I can’t love him the way he needs. Joke right?! The way he needs? Listen run, run, run. We deserve better. WE DESERVE BETTER!!!! I truly applaud the person who came out of this addiction because honestly it hurts everyone.

To The Jewish Man writer
by: Anonymous

That is one horrific story. I hope that you are moving on and finding happiness. You were strong and did the right thing, best of luck to you.

The Jewish Man
by: Anonymous

It happens in my home too. I married a man 14 years older than me. I married him thinking I would escape an abusive home. He promised me the world. At the time he was a converted Orthodox Jew. He's African American. We had looks of hate from every corner. He wasn't supposed to marry a non-Jew. He grew up Catholic. His parents didn't like me because I'm white. My parents didn't like him because of his age and race.

All that was nothing compared to what he was hiding. He converted a room in the house to his prayer room. I called it his man cave. He would hide behind his religion and say he was praying when in reality he was using p*rn 8-plus hours every Saturday. Saturday he said is his holy day when he's not even supposed to use electricity. Every Saturday turned into ALL weekend. All weekend turned into every single night plus the weekend.

I became a shell. One part of me I had to prove this man wasn't a bad man and what everyone in my family said. His family was always talking about what a great man he was. His Rabbi telling me he's the Jew who follows the strictest he's ever seen. I couldn’t take it anymore and TOLD his Rabbi everything. After a few weeks my husband was arrested for downloading child p*rn.

So what I thought was bad got even worse. This "holy man" had downloaded over 1000 images of children being abused. Some were babies. This man knew nothing of what he preached. That man who told me I couldn’t eat bacon in "his house", the man that forced me to convert the whole kitchen to meet his standards. The man who said we can never go out on Friday nights because of his Sabbath. The man that told me turning on or off a light was work and not allowed. That entire time he was looking at perverse images of everything from babies to grandmothers. I'm glad he’s in prison. He’s disgusting.

This Kills Trust, Turning the Tables...
by: Sunshine and Clouds

2 Years ago, on my daughter’s 16th birthday, my husband was annoyed by the noise in the house and so went out to the shed. I had a strong urge to go out there. He was pants down, watching this filth. I was shocked and freaked out. I demanded his phone and found he had been watching daily, up to 6x a day, for at least as long as his phone history held (it was for years I later found out)...I also found a "p**sy in a can" in his backpack, and that he was hiding steroid use (was also obsessed with his body and the gym). Christmas Eve when he was "too tired" to wrap gifts with me for the kids, he watched nasty videos for hours unbeknownst to me.

He never had time to forge a relationship with the kids, too busy self-gratifying. Slowly, the lies, betrayal, and shock absolutely began to consume and destroy me, as you all know. The sick feelings, the lack of concentration, not caring about anything, and the hyper vigilance, all began.

We had been married 20 years at this point. I told him I’m disgusted, completely had the rug ripped out from under me, grief over "what else don’t I know?" I thought we really had a great marriage. In many ways we do/did. We actually had a very good sex life. The problem is when it wasn’t frequent enough for him over the years that he would not want to talk to me, treat me differently, be angry/extremely moody...this began about 8 years ago. Even marking on a calendar how many days it had been, etc. Staring at me in a weird way in strange scenarios, making sexual innuendos all the time...I imagine this was around the time he really got into it. I truly thought I would divorce him. I had found videos when we met because he brought them into my apartment and I freaked out at the time and told him I’m not into it, don’t bring that disgusting stuff into my home. So he always knew how I felt because I told him clearly.

But I had serious issues with my oldest child at this time, and my stress and anxiety were such that I felt I had to think with a clear head and not ruin 20 years of marriage over a "p-rn addiction". We had 2 other children also, and ultimately I could not wreak that havoc in their lives. I still do love him, but I do realize that he is an addict to this stuff. Sometimes I wish he would just be a jerk all the way around, that would make it easier for me, but he is not. The tears, acknowledgements, excuses, endless conversations (most very open and productive), but the trust will NEVER be the same. EVER. Because he obviously did it again, just got better at hiding it, even saying he was leaving his personal phone home "out of respect" for me, then getting another device to view on, and on and on.

I have had a strong need to "take my power back" that he stole from me. I don’t see this talked about a lot and wanted to share this. I don’t say this is the healthiest or best thing to do, but I am in this right now (he put me/us here), and I’m angry at the lies and betrayals. I need him to feel the hurt and just what this does to a partner. So I made him take me out more (he never took me anywhere, I was a good, very good stay at home wife and mom)...going to bars, clubs, with me drinking and flirting, and he has to deal with it.

Now, I know not every man you can do this with! If he is abusive, forget it! Do not play this game! Men come up to him all the time and say, "Hey, don’t mean to be forward, but your wife is beautiful", or offer to buy a drink and just generally stare, and he hates it. I’m loving it. You see, he had in his home a loving, very beautiful, gentle and easygoing woman, who made a great home, great cook, excellent mom...but it wasn’t enough. He needed to endlessly watch other women getting laid, bottom line.

So I told him I’ve decided to start looking at what he’s so fascinated about, since in many, many tearful episodes I would ask him, "how would you feel if I had this whole hidden sexual life you knew nothing about? How would you feel if I watched it?" And he assured me it was no big deal, and he’d be fine with it. Guess what? Turns out he’s NOT so fine with it! Turns out he’s quite tortured by it now, since I tell him things like, "wow, I can’t believe this guy was that big, I haven’t seen many men in my life, that’s crazy!" Or casually say in a quiet moment, "You know, maybe I need a toy too, just something that can stay harder longer, you know?" "Maybe something a little wider." And then he takes me to buy it and I use it halfway through being with him to "finish". And make a big show of how exciting it is, how interesting and pleasing! He likes the big fake show, right? So I also got crazy lingerie, and he can wonder if it’s all only for him. (He says he does and feels anxious) I send him pics while at work, and tell him he’s made me ultra-sexualized, maybe I should post pics and make money, after all, I’m 34DD and have a great body, just like he loves to endlessly search up! Told him I realized maybe I haven’t been that fulfilled, (just like when he used to check off my days against me)and so now he’s taking the little blue pill because he can’t keep up and tells me he feels scared, and less than, and wonders if I’ll leave him. And here he told me it’s no big deal! Every guy does it and he wouldn’t care if I did...hmmm!

I dressed up with black dress, stockings, heels, one recent day when the kids weren’t home and said, "Come home and pretend you’re a workman coming to my house when my husband is away, to service me." He said he felt so awkward he couldn’t perform. I said go take a pill then, why should I be let down? All this fantasy is "to spice things up, right?" He started to be upset. I proceeded to take him around the house as if he were really there to do work, and show him how our house needs SO many things done that he has neglected over many years because of his needs and obsessions... I must say I felt VERY empowered. Then when he couldn’t perform after 2 pills, I took the work belt and tossed it out the front door and said, "sorry honey, please leave...I wanted a man that could service me, you aren’t it." How’s that for a script? He sat on the porch, I laughed...my first movie! I think I enjoyed it more.

So now he has to contend with high anxiety, just like I did...with not knowing, with feeling afraid and less than. With feeling sick to your stomach that there’s more you don’t know. I wish that one man can truly love one woman, but that is shattered for me, as my husband has virtually been with thousands of women, drooled and lusted over them in his car, his work truck, our home, our bedroom, etc. Teens, all manner of disgusting scenarios, and more and I sometimes wish I could go back to something more innocent. I know ignorance isn’t bliss, but sometimes I wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then. I mean not really, but my head and heart have such complication now.

I can never love him the same way, his nasty habit has introduced more dysfunction into our lives than I can say, more distrust and sadness, and I for one am trying to take some power back, to at the very least make him FEEL the damage he’s caused knowingly, eyes wide open, again and again... as I decide if this marriage is worth saving. Anyone relate?

To: I hate him
by: Anonymous

Your husbands addiction breaks and degrades you and even if they say sorry you are broken to the point where you don't know whether you'll ever be healed or whole again. To them it's just something all men do, to us it's humiliating and hurtful.

I hate him
by: Ann

We've been together for close to 40 years and it was a year ago I found out how much filth he had been watching. Our sex life became nonexistent about 5 years ago, and although I wasn't happy about it I didn't say too much. I chalked it up to his drinking. I got so tired of asking if we could make love and being turned down. He has always done things like try and grab my breasts and rub all over me. But it got to where I would get so mad when he did that, because after so long of thinking he wanted to mess around and then him saying no that he was just playing, I built up huge resentments that now I can't even stand to be touched that way. Something I used to enjoy. I am still amazed at how all of this came to light and about how he doesn't see anything wrong with it. At one point I tried to kill myself and even that didn't stop him. Let that sink in. He cared more for filthy habit than my life.

We have been thru so much together, like losing our 19 year old daughter in a wreck and our son going to prison, us raising his son..... I just don't know any more about anything. I feel like somebody kidnapped the man I knew and replaced him with this unfeeling, mean, negative warped person. I hate him.

The only thing I know to do is set him down and have one final round and be very clear that I will leave and live in my car, if need be, before I live like this anymore. Everything everyone has mentioned I have experienced also. I feel for all of us, all of you because I know how empty you feel. I want to hurt him back. I want to beat the ever loving cr@p outa him for days. Even if I could, he still would never experience the pain that I've felt.

I thought I had the best husband ever, everyone else thought we were perfect too. As they say, if it's too good to be true then it probably is. Even if he beats this, I still don't know if I want to stay. I'm broken and sometimes it feels like too big of a job to put myself back together.

For narcissists are scary
by: Anonymous

HI there,

I hope things are okay with you - you mentioned that you don't know what to do. Do you have children? Are you able to leave and have financial security? Or has he been able to take total control. Are you getting advice from anyone?

I have a husband with these traits and I want to ask about your husband’s family, especially his mother, do they have these traits too. Or are they supportive of you and the havoc their son has caused?

My mother-in-law is a complete bully and very nasty. She too has lied to keep her son protected - it's just a horrible situation when all you ever wanted was love and peace in your life.

I hope you can find a way to get back to you...

Narcissist are scary
by: Anonymous

Omg! I think I just read exactly what I am going through with my husband!!!! Everything from narcissist to p*rn addiction to putting us in debt.... it’s goes on and has been for 11 years. I don’t know what to do anymore. The manipulation and lies. I can never talk about my feelings b/c I shouldn’t have them. He dismisses me about everything. They have too much pride. They don’t change. You can pray, but you have to PRAY for protection.

So true
by: Anonymous

Catherine, I felt the need to respond as you make the point I have been thinking about. For some of the women on here, perhaps the p*rnography addiction is the only thing they experience. But if you are married to a narcissist, it is so much worse. (If they are a narc before the p*rn I mean). The adult videos for me were just one more pile on top of all of the other piles of narcissistic abuse, selfishness, deceit, lies, and loneliness. Yes, p*rn definitely makes them worse, but really I feel so stupid for not waking up way, way before that part became clear. I hope the younger ladies on here listen and run before it's too late.

We are not the problem, they are.
by: Catherine

I feel so sorry for the situation that this smut brings, but at the end of the day, we will always remember how it made us feel and how our partner made us feel.

I have got to the stage where I look back and reflect on why I didn't get out sooner or at least react to the situation in a different manner. I guess my slow reaction came about for two reasons (although there are many more):

1) The people in my life didn't seem to see a problem with p-rnography and couldn't understand my feelings ,which led to me believing there was something wrong with me.

2) And when you're unaware that you are consistently lied to because you would never think that a person, let alone your partner/husband, could lie to you so much and be a compulsive liar - you can't react. I could never have lied to my husband as much as he lied to me. It took a lie detector test to bring everything out - who on earth has to go to such lengths? I feel a bit crazy!

On my death bed, I do not think I could have my husband there, pretending that he cares for me. He looked at this filth behind my back for 20 years, and got us in severe financial debt - over half a million dollars. He created a toxic environment for my children and extended family, was utterly selfish in so many respects, including pleasuring himslef next to his daughter as she slept, was deceitful beyond my imagination. His narcissistic traits - which I see now more than ever - it all makes me sick to my bones. He controlled our finances, spending so much money on materialistic items, including an Audi which we couldn't afford. But at the time I didn't know we were in financial debt, because he hid it all from me and lied - this is not the behavior you think that a partner would do to you - it's inconceivable, but it happens.

I grew up on the poverty line, and I was looking for a better future for my children - these narcissistic humans take that away because they do not care about anyone except for themselves. We are not the problem, they are.

RE: Husband
by: Anonymous

It's not you! It's an addition that never stops. Have you read all the other posts? It only gets worse. It's not his medicine. That's just something to throw you off. I've heard it all… the medicine part, I'm just not that physical or have a high sex drive too, it’s hard for him when all we do is fight. Well we fight because he watches this filth behind my back!! Once they find out you know and are suspicious about it, they hide it better and better. And when you keep finding out, they change it up and find different ways to hide it. My husband bought a laptop and said it was his works and it was all confidential info on there so I couldn't look at it. I found this out after he left that job and he still had that computer. I don’t put anything past these sickos.

To: Husband
by: Anonymous

This is not about you or anything you are or aren’t doing. Your husband’s addiction most likely started long before you knew him. He needs help. When he stops what he is doing, his natural attraction will be to you. Unfortunately, p*rn is an evil industry that destroys relationships, marriages and the integrity of one’s mind. Take a firm stand with him. You are on a roller coaster that you need to decide whether or not you want to continue for possibly the rest of your life with him. I lived with it for 10 years and recently said enough is enough. I could no longer handle the lies, mistrust and lack of affection myself. Ask yourself this, "am I okay with how this makes me feel?" If the answer is no, then get out before you lose years of your life to this unhappiness.

Husband
by: Anonymous

My husband and I have been married for a year and been together two. I have found out he watches p*rn and then lies about. He used to be all into me and then he wasn't after we got married. He blames it on his medicines he takes, but I think it's just I'm not attractive to him. I want to know what I can do so that my husband wants me and not to watch other women.

to - again and again
by: Gail

I can relate… these men were addicted prior to the marriage. I always knew something was off. There was no true connection. His lust was out of control. When internet p*rn arrived it was the end...it is insidious and downright disgusting filth that supports human trafficking and defiles women.

It literally changes men's brains and personalities. It really shows you the true character of these so called addicts. Narcissism runs deeps in these men. They have literally been with thousands of women and their views towards the opposite sex becomes twisted and self-serving. Sex with these men will be lonely and dirty. Not how it was intended to be...

To: Again and again
by: Anonymous

Please don’t stay because you’re worried about the gifts etc. These men don’t change, they just get sneakier. My husband had his own laptop which I didn’t know about. When I found it, he said it’s a government lap top and it was confidential so I couldn't look at it. He in the military. He was lying the whole time! We went to counseling and he promised he was done looking at this garbage time and time again. I want to cheat on my husband too! I also want to win the lottery so I can support myself.

We are almost retired now and this has been going on our whole marriage. It took me a long time to find out cause he would go out of town for work and be gone for 2 or 3 months. I thought it was so weird when he came home he never wanted sex. I thought he was gay. Then of course you start to blame yourself that there something wrong with you. We haven’t had sex in 11 yrs. If I ever say anything about sex, he acts like he is sick or has a headache or he will say tomorrow. NOT LIKE I EVEN WANT too, but I find it weird how he makes up excuses.

I feel stuck! I have no education. No job and he carries the insurance for us. I do have rentals, but if we divorce he will get half the money. He is on 100% disability from the air force and I can’t get any of that money if we divorce so I feel so screwed! He would be able to take from me, but I can’t get anything from him. I asked him why he would bring me into something like this. He was addicted to it before he married me. He had to have been. He doesn't answer me when I ask him. Sorry I'm rambling on. But if they want to watch this stuff, they will and you can’t stop them.

Again and again
by: T

I don’t even know where to begin. Just know it’s something that’s happened so many times before. I even had a mental break down to the point where I needed medication the last time I found out. And yet he constantly lies.

Our one year anniversary was late June. We decided to take a road trip almost over two weeks for our one year anniversary. Maybe a few weeks before our anniversary I found out yet again that he had been lying to me and He had been watching.

He seems so sincere and even starts crying when I find out, but of course you can’t help but feel hopeless when you’ve been lied to. I figured out how to block apps from his phone. I figured out how to make it to where you can’t delete any of your history. I thought we were doing great yet again. I am stupid. We went on vacation and for our gift I got him new AirPods because he "loves to listen to music".

I ask him all the time that if he feels intrigued to watch it to at least let me know and I even ask every now and then and give him the chance to tell the truth and he lies straight to my face. His wife of a year, his best friend of six years. His supposedly future child bearer. Nothing hurts more than to want to leave but don’t want to leave at the same time. A few weeks after vacation, I picked up a second job and work 60 plus hours a week. My husband can work 15-30 (it just depends) so he’s at home a lot right now. He texts me and says he is working on projects at his mom's house and I had been very proud of how productive he had been. (He had a gaming issue too)

One day I just could sense something was up. I got off work, didn’t say I was on my way home, snuck in the house and barged into the bathroom. I didn’t catch him doing the action but he had his AirPods in and his phone covered immediately. He tried to lie to my face AGAIN and tell me it’s music and that he was about to shower. I truly wanted to believe him since I know how much he likes music. But when I asked to see his phone... he tossed it and got red. I picked it up and yet again felt crushed that I’m not good enough. That there was another lady he saw pleasure in and that he had been lying to me for another month before, during, and after our one year anniversary celebration.

At this point he’s lucky he made it to a year. He wanted to stop me with what I was doing, to try and not have a breakdown, to "be honest" to me. He figured out how to change the settings on his phone almost instantly. What was I thinking? He’s more technologically smart than I am to go through the trouble of changing settings, deleting everything and lying to me and pretending like he’s some top notch husband. It really truly hurts. He said before our anniversary, after our last argument there was a time where I was upset with him a lot. He felt bad about himself and couldn’t help it. Then, during our road trip we had a great time and he chose to not tell me but rather start over anew. Afterwards, I got so busy working a lot that we never had time for intimay and he picked up and resorted to the adult videos again.

That is truly not fair. For marriage is supposed to be through thick and through thin. He never even considered why I was moody (apparently my birth control is known to cause mood swings, it could have been stressful at work, who knows) but he NEVER even considered. We decided to move from a $400 apartment to a house that cost well over $1000. I figured it be best to pick up two jobs and actually do something with my life. I’d come home and he’d be mad that I wouldn’t help him clean or fold clothes when I’d literally be in pain from standing all day. I would come home to dinner, something clean he’s done and a "happy husband" as if everything was handy dandy when he knew deep down he’s lying again. I told him I understand like an idiot.

This is the strongest I’ve ever been. This is the first time I didn’t have a mental breakdown because at this point I’m just highly disappointed. I just want to cheat on him. I’ve had my own problems I’ve told the truth and I’ve moved on. I never cheated on him. I literally sat at the lake to talk with some guy I used to like, but that was before marriage and a long time ago when we barely dated. I MOVED ON when I saw how much that hurt my best friend, my lifelong friend.

To top things off I don’t even know how to handle it. He asked me the same night I just found out that he lied to me again if we can make love. He asked me as if now that I know I’m the problem... the reason why he watches this garbage, it’s okay to be pushy for intimacy and I’m supposed to say yes and be some fantastic wife to a man who doesn’t deserve my time. I haven’t worn my ring in a few days. Mainly because it stopped fitting and maybe I need to go up a size but it feels good knowing I didn’t show anyone I was bonded to some jerk who doesn’t deserve a lick of my time. I don’t even know who to turn to. I don’t want anyone close to know something so personal. I guess pre-marital counselors, which we already tried once.

Who knows if my husband even went to them like I asked? I feel worthless, useless inside but my heart knows I deserve so much more and it may be time to go. My biggest fear is wasting people’s time. We had a huge nice wedding and tons of gifts and congrats just to throw it all away in a little over a year when it’s supposed to be until the end of time.

To: Found the courage to leave
by: Gail

You are doing the right thing!! I cannot emphasize that enough. This does not get better. The broken promises and lies will remain with you.

Focus on your job, education and good solid and supportive friendships. Internet p*rnography is vile and absolutely supporting human trafficking...we live in a world of greed and selfishness.

Proud of you… You will look back one day and thank yourself for being strong… xoxo

Just Found Out Boyfriend is a P*rn Addict
by: Anonymous

Hello. I am 27 and I just found out a few days ago that my boyfriend is addicted to p*rn. I have been a complete wreck since finding out, although now that I know, I can’t say that I am all that surprised since all his behaviors now make sense (never initiating sex, never kissing me, never looking at me, never talking to me during sex, no foreplay). Sadly enough I spent the past 2 years telling myself that these behaviors were because I wasn’t skinny enough, didn’t have a nice enough body, etc. it has been mental torture that I have agonized over for 2 years.

Despite now knowing that all of this is due to his addiction it is still so very far for me to not feel absolutely hideous and worthless.

The only slight comfort I can find is that he takes full ownership that it is wrong, that it’s ruining our relationship, that it’s ruining his brain and his ability to have normal physical love. He says he will go to therapy and he has already put blocking software on his phone, laptop, and computer. Although he has lied about it up until now.

I want to believe he will change but I can’t help but feel that there’s no guarantee an addict will change and I can’t live this way any longer. Has anyone on here had success as far as their partner breaking this addiction? Needless to say I do love him very much or else I wouldn’t even be considering helping him through this.

I found the courage to leave
by: Anonymous

My husband of 10 years has been lying to me about his online addiction for most of our marriage. I'm not one to sneak into his phone or tablet, but one day about 4 years ago, I asked to use his phone for a google search. It was really innocent. That's when I saw the adult site. What worried me was that either of my two daughters could have seen what I saw. I confronted him about it. He did admit to using p*rn and agreed to seek help. He said he had an addiction to it. He's already in recovery for drugs and alcohol, so I thought he would understand recovery for this addiction too.

He left the home for 2 months and started going to meetings at our church. I thought it was working. He also has anger issues. I'm not okay with those either. Supposedly he was trying to work on that too. What really bothers me is that we are very engaged in our church, he and I both serve, and he is living a double life. What if they knew who he was? Why isn't he honest about this and find support? So many questions I had.

So he says he's been in "recovery' for this for 3 years and is even collecting recovery chips. Deep down in my heart, I knew there was something still happening. How do you go from many times a week to nothing at all with our sex life not changing? HE quit asking to be intimate. I felt undesirable, not wanted and even questioned if it was my fault.

No, it's not my fault. He has a problem. I caught him last week in our bedroom getting off to this smut on his phone. The worst part was he had the door open and my 17 year old daughter was home asleep. I'm home too, working because of Covid. What if it was my daughter that walked in on him?

Enough is enough. I told him it's over. That was last Monday. By Saturday I had a realtor over and our house is now listed for sale. I'm not completely sure how I will make ends meet. Where I will move to, or even how I will emotionally recover. One thing I do know however, is that I don't deserve the lying, cheating and feelings that I have over this.

I know I will be okay someday. I hope it is soon.

To: This addiction is something I had no idea about until it broke me!
by: Anonymous

Your story sounds like mine. Married at 23, never had other serious relationships. I’m now retired at 62, he is almost 65. I’m here to tell you it never ends. He was even visiting dating sites several years ago. Before that he spent thousands on lap dances at the adult clubs (I found out many years later). He is now obese, bald, and unhealthy (alcoholic, PIED). I am active, 120 lbs, and take care of my health. Yet he prefers this filth. He has pictures of young girls on his phone. He’s spent countless hours and money on explicit sites. If I leave now I lose my house (which is paid for) and half my savings (he has nothing saved). I also have considered suicide. But he’s not worth it. I’m retired now and just biding my time. Sometimes I wish he would find someone else and leave. They will never "get it", no matter how much pain they put you through. It’s an addiction, and their "drug" comes first. If you have the means, leave now before you are stuck. You deserve so much more.

One way to know
by: Robin

So sorry you are in the same boat as so many of us was or is. Mine never stopped lying.

For his manhood to work, the self-pleasuring had to stop all together.

It was the ED or PIED that took its toll on me plus the rejection, which when he was clean he did not reject me. Of course it felt like rejection when ED happened and I knew he was using again.

Don't do it
by: Anonymous

Yes, you’re right about all the lies, it's enough to make a person snap! Please don’t hurt yourself if you catch him again. He’s not worth it. I feel like everyone’s story is my story. I feel like he’s going to have to answer to his maker someday. I hope sooner than later! We went to counseling a hand full of times just to catch him still doing it. I have absolutely no respect for my husband. I don’t even expect him to stop as of now because I know he never will. My job right now is to make his life miserable, like he has done to me.

This addiction is something I had no idea about until it broke me!
by: Anonymous

It’s nice to know I’m not alone! It’s something you can’t really talk about with friends or family as it’s more than embarrassing! This leaves us alone, very alone. I’m sure part of the reason now I have PTSD is because of my husband’s use of p*rn and the constant lying about it. We met and started dating at the age of 17. Married at the age of 23. In fact, we both hadn’t been with anyone else sexually (that I know of).

I had no idea he had a problem and we have been together for 27 years now. Who knows how long he has hidden his addiction. I’m guessing he has lied to me about his filthy habit hundreds of times. So much so I have lost almost all my trust. He works in the mines so is away every second week and has been doing this job for a decade now!

The lies hurt, and broken promises hurts! You can only forgive so many times before you feel like you are losing your mind and going crazy. I got some blame put back on me when I dared to confront him about it, just like all you ladies! He would deny every time until I produced evidence how I knew what he was doing. I think that hurt the most, being lied to straight to my face. I tried everything. He could see I was being destroyed mentally but he kept going and getting off to this garbage. Who knows if he ever slept with anyone else when he is onsite on the camp? It makes it worse because I don’t trust him!

I have given him everything and so many chances. We went to therapy a few times and after that he says he doesn’t watch it or look at women etc. to get off! But I’m really struggling because deep down inside my gut I know he is most probably lying to me right? He has told me all men do it and there is nothing wrong with it. But it was affecting our sex life and it felt like I was the one always wanting and initiating it! I have a high sex drive myself so I had to put up with just getting very little.

I am sick of rejection and my self-esteem has taken a huge blow! I am pretty good looking and like my friends said, I could have married lots of guys as they found me desirable. But now I feel so undesirable I have put a wall up around myself as I have thought about not being able to take another time of him lying to me mentally. I have a daughter who is 10 and I rescue animals from Death row so that gives me lots of love and joy. But I’m scared if he keeps going on I might snap and actually do myself in! I really hope he is telling the truth as I’ve never felt more alone.

to: I am still torn...
by: Gail

If you can support yourself, then absolutely get out now! A good job and being self-sufficient is huge. Most women suffer for decades because they are not financially independent. I would give anything to go back and do it all differently.

LADIES - a smart counselor once said…"take the emotions out of the equation for a few minutes, think about your situation from a logical perspective. Is this truly living? Is this a normal and healthy environment? Are you emotionally and mentally supported and happy as an individual?"

I think you know the answers.....look after yourselves and focus on self-healing.

To so torn
by: Anonymous

Don't believe nothing he says. YES it's his body but it affects YOU with what he doing and going to continue to do. You said you make enough to be on your own. THANK God for that. I'm not in that situation or I would be so gone. I was like you at first, still holding on to hope. Trying to blame myself and asking "what if it's just me?"…

But years down the road you will HATE him for all the lies and most importantly the years he stole from you when you could have moved on with someone who treats you right. I don't have sex with my so called husband/ roommate. We just live in the same house. Please save yourself! I wish I would have known about this 15 years ago.

Dirty Bird
by: Robin

Mine told me I made him feel like he was a pervert and I said if the shoe fits.

I would catch him looking at me in my sleep and in the bath. It felt so dirty.

The list goes on, anymore I am wondering in some way if all couples are dealing with this.

I do not want to wonder at 71, so glad I am separated now.

Huge liars again HUGE LIARS!!!! Cannot believe anything they say. If staring at other women, what else may he be doing? Please get checked for STDs (anyone that is dealing with this). Take care of yourself first and trust your gut feelings.

To- I am still torn
by: Robin

First of all, you’re in shock, starved for intimacy, and not in a good frame of mind (most likely). Second his brain is on p-rn, they are or can be mean creatures and it fuels the dopamine high. When mine said cruel things I stopped listening, these videos only fueled his narc traits.

For me I lived like you. Once the first discovery, then, the relapses. The list goes on. They do not understand how ugly it makes us feel. Whether you stay or go it is up to you, I just could not take the relapses anymore.

The ED sex was the worst and felt like work, not making love. We have separated since he lied for almost a year about his ED or PIED, who knows anymore. But low and behold, he quit and it started working again. With every excuse as to why it did not work but the truth.

I went through many phases after discovery and before discovery. The rejection or selfish s-x just did so much damage it me. Selfish s-x (aka just get hard and hump me- no kissing, eyes always closed)… if it worked and if it did not go soft. Then on top of all that, it reprograms their brain as to what feels good. For them, it is not about feeling, their brain signals are trained so it is about touch and visual.

When using they are horrible Narcs, emotional, intimately abusive and the list goes on. 24 years here....4 since discovery D-day. Rejected that day, to then find him whacking it off to his phone. For the short period he was clean he was a nice man, so hope for something better and more.

I am still torn
by: Anonymous

I'm the one who wrote "I am so torn". I have been thinking about everything I've read and the advice you've given. I have an education and a good job so I can support myself if I leave.

I have started building a wall around my heart... but I can't eat, I can't sleep for fear that he's going to do it again. I can't keep living like this. There's no trust. There was very little before but now there is none. He told me that it is his body and it's my responsibility to make myself feel beautiful... So do I even have the right to feel this way? I just can't help but wonder what if I am being selfish? I feel so guilty for the way I feel.

Run as fast as you can
by: Anonymous

Just prior to our 50th wedding anniversary, and 2 years after getting the internet, I found once again my husband was viewing this garbage. Prior to this I believed it when he said he had quit. Now I know it is an addiction that can take 3-5 years to break; only with great determination and therapy could he overcome it and he would always be an addict. This is information I never had before. He also escalated to buying a cell phone and not telling me. He keeps it hidden and he doesn’t know I know. He had been keeping in touch with a woman and was seeing her… and as to the extent of his activity with her, I have no idea. Considering he is 71 there is not enough time left to even consider changing… So if you as a woman and in a new relationship, check whatever you have to determine if he is viewing this garbage. Don’t take his word for it, they are great liars. Save yourself IMMENSE pain for years to come and run as fast as you can....you deserve better.

RE: I am So Torn
by: Gail

I agree that you need to leave sooner than later. It does not get better - it gets worse. I regret not leaving sooner. Selfish addicts need to work on themselves but they don't. They just keep feeding the lust because it is simple to do. They cannot be bothered to do the crucial work of examining their own issues. These people are hurting individuals but the cost is too high. It destroys who you are and sabotages all that is pure and beautiful. They blame their significant other and turn into angry narcissists.

I feel your pain, but honestly internet p*rnography is the downfall of society and human relationships. It is vile and perverted. A loving relationship between two people cannot exist with this garbage. It robs a woman of attention that should be focused on her. You know something is not right, but you cannot always identify it right away. You cannot live with an immature liar for the rest of your life. Please focus on you and better yourself. Get educated and a good job... that is vital.

To: I am So Torn
by: Anonymous

Please, just walk. I am not trying to minimize the difficulty of giving up on the hopes and dreams you probably had for this relationship. I know it's hard, but trust me, it doesn't get better and it does get worse. Don't be like me and look back 30 years later and realize how stupid you were to stay. Love yourself enough to go NOW!

RE: I am so torn
by: Anonymous

If you’re not married you need to run for the hills. It only gets worse...

I am so torn
by: Anonymous

A week ago, I caught my boyfriend in the bathroom getting off to explicit videos...and he lied to me about it. I asked him again and he told me the truth because I smelled the lotion. He didn't even come to me to satisfy his urges. I was gutted. We got into a huge fight because I feel so ugly and unwanted. I asked him to respect me enough to stop watching this filth and looking at other women. (He stares at them while we are out in public...) He told me that I am selfish for asking him to stop and that I make him feel like less of a man because he can't just go do what he has always done. I feel so betrayed and I am consumed with the flashbacks of catching him. I feel like he doesn't care about how much it hurt me and my expressing that to him didn't help.

Lottery
by: Anonymous

I always thought I was the only one hoping to win the lottery so I can get rid of him. I guess there are many of us...

To: Partners vulgar addiction
by: Anonymous

He not going to stop. They find other ways to look at it. Get a laptop that you don’t know about. They delete their history. They buy magazines or physical videos. It's never stops. If you can get out, do it now before you waste more years with him. I can’t financially leave. I wish 15 years ago I knew what I know now. I was like you and busy working etc. and didn’t pay too much attention. He always said I was more sexual than him. It's been 12 years since we had sex. He blamed me for always confronting him about sex so that’s why he never wanted to. He a liar, he was looking at the smut. If I EVER see a way out I'm gone also. I pray I win the lottery also.

Partner’s vulgar addiction has ruined me.
by: Anonymous

I found this site and I keep finding myself reading these posts. I think I’m trying to find answers but there are no answers. I’ve been with my partner for 13 years. We’re not married but live together and have 2 wonderful children. From the beginning of our relationship (if I’m honest) he never really seemed too interested in sex. It always seemed to be me initiating it. I never really thought much of it, but when we moved in together I found p*rn on his laptop and realized he did have urges, but he’d rather get off looking at dirty videos than with me. It caused a lot of upset and arguing, and of course he promised to stop. Our relationship improved and I got pregnant that year, but I remember again finding it while I was pregnant and he barely came near me intimately. When my son was born I was smitten. My baby took over my life and took my mind off what my partner was probably doing behind my back. He was a good dad. We moved into a house and I’d find him getting up early to sneak downstairs to watch this garbage. I couldn’t escape it.

I’d tried to put it out of my mind and focus on being a mom, but it was always at the back of my mind. Every time I left him in the house alone, I felt like I was having a panic attack and would obsess over what he was doing. He’s lied so many times about looking at it. So many times he’s promised to stop. It kind of changed my personality, I’d snap over small things all the time.

We wanted another child, and it took a long time to get pregnant again but I did and had my second son. Things had got worse by then and he slept in the spare room pretty much all the time. He never came near me and I knew what he was doing behind my back. It just eats away at me inside and makes me bitter. I hate to feel like I’m not wanted. I’d consider myself attractive, I keep very fit and healthy and look after myself but still, he’d rather look at women online than see me.

My baby was diagnosed with autism at age 2 and again my focus became very much on doing whatever I could to help my young son while also being a good mom to my other son. My husband’s addiction the the smut was pushed to the back of my mind. Anyway, here I am. My elder son is 11 and my youngest 7. I hadn’t had sex with my partner for 5 years up until the COVID-19 lock down. We just existed in the same house. Arguing all the time because deep down, I was so bitter and frustrated. I can’t explain what happened that night. I think I’d just had enough. I just wanted to feel wanted and I let him sleep in my bed and I initiated sex. After, we both agreed that we needed to work on us and he said he really wanted to make things work and that he loved me.

It was 3 days in to him sharing my bed again when I came in to my bathroom unexpectedly and found him getting off over p*rn. I was devastated. Silly really! What did I expect! Anyway, I wished I’d never let him back in to my bed and he promised and swore that he would never do it again. He’d slipped up. Again, I fell for it. It was the following week that I checked his phone history and found that he had looked at it while I was out for a run. I confronted him and he denied it right up until I showed him the evidence. I went to my mother’s that night and cried in her arms. It had felt so good that past week. Having him back in my bed, chatting, laughing and being intimate. I was happy!

I felt like I’d lost everything, I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. He promised to do therapy. So he did. He started zoom therapy because of lock down. I was so proud of him, he told me how it made him feel and that he really wished he’d done therapy years ago. He started initiating sex every day and I thought that he was really capable of beating this. He gave me his phone. Things were going well, or so I thought. He’d told me he hadn’t even had any urges and that he thought he was really getting there! Though on Tuesday I felt in my gut something wasn’t right. He hadn’t really wanted sex those few days beforehand and was acting a bit weird. I checked his work phone and there was no p*rn, but there were lots of links from newspaper websites like The Sun, showing women in bikinis or topless. I saw that he’d clicked on these links and when I confronted him he owned up to looking and trying to get off. He says that he didn’t class that as po*rn! Tried to make me believe that he didn’t see a problem with that!

I just can’t take the lies anymore. I feel like I’m having a breakdown. I love him, but I love the man that he is when he isn’t watching the trash. If it’s not a adult website, he’ll find a way to find some images somehow. He said he’s sorry and it was 1 slip up. I know therapy isn’t an overnight fix, and I know he didn’t look at an adult website, but isn’t it the same thing? Part of me wants to run for the hills. A little voice is telling me he is a compulsive liar. Then part of me is saying, he is in therapy. It’s going to be a process, stick by him and just see how good things can be. I think deep down I know he will never recover fully. He will always have the urge to look.

I’m scared to be alone with my children. My son with autism is beautiful but very challenging. I’m not sure how he will cope if my partner leaves. I feel trapped, scared and alone. Most of all I just want him to be p*rn free, so we can be a happy family. I think I know deep down that is not realistic. I’m so sorry for going on. I just really needed to get this off my chest. I don’t know what to do anymore.

To: I'm in the same boat
by: Anonymous

Me too. I’ve wasted too many years with a person I don’t even know anymore. Too much to lose if I leave now. Retired with no income. Depressed. Lonely. Hopeless. And no one mentions the financial cost of this internet filth. I can’t even imagine all the money he has wasted. But he just doesn’t get it. The lies never end. If I win the lottery someday I am so gone.

To Anonimous
by: Robin

So Sorry,

20 years of marriage and 4 years of relapses and lies, ED PIED the list goes on.

One thing that I regret is not getting more out of my sexual experiences.

I do not believe he’s clean and sober, or that his brain will ever rewire to just using me as a substitute for his viewing habits. NO baths together, no foreplay....same position.

If I knew then what I know now, I would of gotten out a lot sooner.

Take care of yourself. Educate yourself (it is a real thing how it changes their brain) go get tested for STDs, you never know what they are lying about or how bad it has escalated.

I'm in the same boat
by: Pam

Hey Andrew, you never said how you quit. I’m in a bad position where I can’t leave. But my husband says he doesn’t watch it, but I know he does. I gave up looking into what he does cause he’s a liar. I just do me and try to make myself happy every day and try to get along with him. This addiction is like a drug addiction. If anyone can leave, do it! It's a lifelong huge problem.

To anonymous
by: Gail

Sorry for your pain. What you are going through is very common, but that doesn't help you feel better. I wish I could tell you that things will improve but sadly these guys rarely change. The lying continues and they get better at hiding what they are doing.

They view these videos incognito so you cannot see their history. Once they have been caught a few times they get better at hiding it. The rush they receive from the repeated dopamine hits takes over everything else. I watched as my husband would look directly in my eyes and lie repeatedly. Then he started becoming very angry and sarcastic. I watched his personality slowly change into someone I no longer recognized. People are ignorant about how much damaged this does to the brain. This is no laughing matter.

I realize you love him. I know exactly how you feel. Sadly I had to leave and I wished I had found a man earlier in my life that was not addicted to this garbage. Please look after yourself. At the very least I would strongly advise you to separate from him for a minimum of a year. He needs to get counseling and he needs to prove he has changed. Protection on his devices, accountability partner and weekly meetings. Do not be fooled by tears and promises. They literally need to get help they cannot do this alone.

RE: I don't know what to do....
by: Andrew

Hi Anonymous,

I am male and was addicted to p*rnography for almost 20 years. I have damaged my family irreparably I fear through all the relapses and lies. Speaking from my own experience, it is likely your boyfriend is addicted as well.

It is the leading cause of male anxiety and depression, however it is what I term the 'silent addiction'. Most men don't talk about this down the pub or in their social circles, but a quick look at the web traffic statistics reveals it is a global epidemic.

So is there hope? Well, yes, but first your boyfriend needs to admit there is a problem and seek help for it. If he can't do this and genuinely commit, it compromises the relationship.

I'm glad to say I'm almost 3 years free from this addiction, so it can happen. My biggest regret is that I didn't take action years ago, open up and admit I had a very big problem, seek help and more importantly understand the damage I was doing to the people I love the most - my family.

I wish you the very best of luck.
Cheers, Andrew

I don't know what to do...
by: Anonymous

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now and since the beginning I've let him know that I did not agree with watching dirty videos as I felt it was deceiving. One day I had used his phone to search for something and it popped up. I felt so disgusted and hurt. We talked it out and he said he would never watch p*rn again. 3 days after that I checked his phone history and he was still watching it! He always denies it until I show him what I find. And once again he cried and says he loves me and can’t bear to lose me. A week or so later I find it once again.

At this point I feel so betrayed and feel like my love for him is so on and off and the thought of it just makes me feel sick to my stomach. Since then I have not found evidence of it, but he could be deleting his history as he now knows I go through and check his history. I love my boyfriend but I just feel the trust isn’t there. I feel like one day I love him so much, but the next I just want to end it all. My heart is so heavy. My boyfriend is a good man and he does things for me all the time when I ask. But I just feel he is such a good liar that who knows what else there is he could be hiding. I told him if he is able to lie to me straight in the eyes and kiss me and say he doesn’t even watch it and that he loves me, but gets caught only days later, that isn’t love.

I've never lied to boyfriend and if I ever did, I would feel so guilty. But how is it that he can just lie to me with no remorse. Does my boyfriend love me as much as he says? I'm so glad there are so many women who feel the same about p*rn as me. I blamed myself thinking I wasn’t enough or I am not attractive to him anymore. I spend many night crying wondering what I did or what changed and why was he with me.

Husband in recovery
by: Anonymous

It was 5 yrs. ago when I happened to come home unexpectedly and walked into my husband’s office when I found him drenched in sweat and getting off in front of his computer. I looked at him and said, hmm looks like you might have a problem and it's time that you talk about it.

He did and went to group sessions. I was hurt by all the lies and covering up for years, that I was torn between leaving and staying. So, here it is and I still think that he is lying. I don't trust him and he has replaced the addiction with another-tablet all day. So, I don't know.

It never ended here
by: Robin

I am so sorry

The last for me was on Facebook and feeling forced to have sex, I said no- left the house and could hear him take his pants off then I saw what he had you know what too.

I let it drive me crazy!



Leave sooner than later
by: Gail

As I read the last few posts, I am reminded of how important it is to tell you ladies to LEAVE SOONER rather than later. These men will continue to lie to cover up their addiction. They are literally rewiring their brains and their personalities change as a result of this. They become angrier, sarcastic, mocking individuals who will do anything to hide their private stash of filth. If you do not want to be permanently scarred from this...GET OUT NOW.

They throw you breadcrumbs and tell you they have changed or that they only looked once...DO NOT believe this...you deserve better. You deserve someone that will focus on you and build a relationship with you. Not a child that locks himself in a bathroom for hours instead of living a life and accomplishing something.

These men need help, but most importantly they have to want to change. Sadly very few actually do the work to change...they just continue to lie...

To ZS90
by: Anonymous

I know it must be hard without family nearby and with knowing nobody in the area. However, you need to dig deep and find the strength to just get the heck out of there. Clearly, from what you wrote, you already know this. It's okay to be alone. And alone is much better than being with someone and still being alone. The second kind of alone is so much worse. If you don't have a job, get one. Then care enough about yourself to get away from this maniacal narcissistic addict. GO NOW BEFORE YOU WASTE A WHOLE LOT OF YEARS LIKE I DID. Trust me - you will have a life of regrets if you don't do this.

I feel like a fool
by: Anonymous

After 14 years of lying to me about his p*rn addiction, I threatened to leave him. That was a year and a half ago. I thought he quit, then I saw him looking at pics on FB of some young women with huge breasts in very skimpy bathing suits. He says it’s not p*rn, but those pics were very sexual and the page also had video to click on. Get this, he claims it was BY ACCIDENT! SMH! He must really think I'm stupid. Anyway, I'm tired and just want him to get out, but this pandemic sucks! We are right back where we were and I can't trust him ever again. I'm literally sick to my stomach.

Just had to tell someone how I am feeling before I go insane!

What to do?
by: ZS90

I’ve been with my husband for 13 years; we’ve known each other for 14 and got married 5 years ago. I just recently discovered his p-rn addiction (an addiction he denies, just like his drinking problem which he also denies). I’m pretty sure this addiction has been going on for ages. I remember we took a break because there’s was no intimacy whatsoever between us and we were like 25 years old at that time.

I decided to give him another chance and things got better or so I thought. We got married and since the beginning our sex life started to deteriorate. I couldn’t sleep questioning myself about what was going on. I’m young, attractive, take care of my body, my house is always clean (I’m not a great cook but I promise you guys I do what I can, lol). So as time went by, I thought he was having an affair, or maybe he was gay, because I just couldn’t believe how weeks and weeks, even a month could passed by with no intimacy, cuddling, nothing. He’s very lively in the way he speaks to me, but physically there’s nothing...

He’s super secretive with his phone so I was sure he was having an affair. I look through it and there’s nothing, but something that caught my eye was he was on "private mode". I didn’t say anything. I waited and started noticing he got up way earlier than I did and he was always in the bathroom. I started noticing white dots on the floor of my bathroom and dirty towels so that’s when it hit me, he was watching p-rn.

It hurt so bad because there I was crying myself to sleep asking myself what was I doing wrong, asking him and he just tells me he’s not in the mood, that he didn’t have my same drive, making me feel like a sex-addict (when by this time 6 months had passed with no sex). I started to feel resentment towards him and I’m not sure if he started noticing how much time had passed. It was not only sex I wanted, I wanted to feel the love he says daily he has for me but I couldn’t.

Then there was that time when I acted like I was sleeping and waited for him to go in the bathroom. I caught him, and of course he denied at first. Then he finally admitted what he was doing, and told me it wasn’t a big deal. He did it because he needed the release but didn’t wanted me to wake up. My name should be Booboo the fool because I believed him. At this point I didn’t know he had an addiction. I know it was pretty obvious, but I thought all men watched that stuff and I was over-reacting.

Fast forward to this year, again the lack of intimacy in all levels. We moved, and I don’t have anyone close and with this pandemic we are pretty much in the house all the time. I thought about it and decided to talk to him again about our marital problems and he told me he maybe was lacking of testosterone, that maybe he was asexual, so I just stared at him and told him if he knew all this why he hadn’t look for a specialist? If he feels bad he runs to the doctor… so why this wasn’t a big deal if it was something that was basically destroying our marriage? I added that I didn’t think he had any of that, and if he knew there was something else going on with him, he better come clean and not waste the doctor’s nor my time. He then told me it was the fact that our two dogs sleep in the bed, that he can’t get close to me, and bla, bla, bla…

He promised he was going to "try". Not to brag, but a couple of months ago I turned down a very famous musician who was asking me out, so yeah I considered myself an attractive person, but my husband can’t touch me. Days passed and nothing happened, so I confronted him and he told me I was crazy. Then he had the audacity to tell me he lost interest in me because I don’t go out (and yeah I don’t go a lot with him because I can’t fake to his friends and family that we have this incredible relationship when we don’t).

There was something not adding up, so I asked him blatantly if he was watching p-rn. He denied it but the way he said it, I knew he was lying. So I asked him again, and this time he admitted it but told me he didn’t think it was an addiction, that all men do it and that I was overreacting. I told him that yeah maybe watching it now and then might be normal, but it’s not normal when you prefer that to having the real deal with your wife. He told me again about the lack of interest and I told him that was BS, he didn’t know those women he gets off on ...he didn’t need to go out with any of them or have interest in them to do it ...

He wanted to put the blame on me and I just had it, I told him if he didn’t stop I will get a divorce … Well he tried to change for a week, lol. We were intimate 2 days in a row, not to be mean but it was very mediocre, obviously because he self-pleasures so much he doesn’t last more than a minute but I didn’t care. I told him I understood and that we’re going to go thru this together, I really had hope, I even bought some stuff to spice it up and today everything went down the drain. Again, he started to reject me and just found out he started watching the garbage again. I’m so stupid, I believed in him. I just want to go away from this environment. I want to go back home, unfortunately my parents live out of the country and like I said we just moved so I don’t know anyone yet ..Don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m trapped.

Sad
by: Anonymous

I met my husband when I was 40 and soon after he just quit having sex with me all together. I had no idea he was addicted to adult videos! It took years for me to figure it out because he was in the military and was gone a lot on trips, so that made it worse! He would say he just wasn’t as sexual as me. We are still married and there is reasons for this. I won’t go into long details, but believe me if there was a way out I would be long gone! We haven’t had sex in 10 years and I am 55 now. I am pretty decent looking and I know I could find someone else. I’m just not willing to give him everything I worked so hard for! We are like roommates, there is no love in my house. I don’t think there ever was. I just can’t wait till the day this is all over with. P*rn is a horrible thing. It slowly robs you from your life, not like a drug addict (you can see that right away). P*rn is different. You don’t see that.

Robin
by: Gail

No worries Robin...if anything good has come from all this mess, it is the fact I will no longer allow intimidation and control in my life.

Ladies take refuge in knowing you are not alone...it is rampant and I am slowly realizing my strength and new found confidence the longer I am away from the nightmare.

Hugs to you all… xoxo

I did not mean to trigger anyone
by: Robin

I do sincerely apologize, as I should have put a trigger warning.

Gail, I did not mean to make you look back and feel sad. Sending a huge hug.

For Anonymous - Selfish sex is horrible and yes demoralizing. I was made to feel nuts for wanting kissing, foreplay or anything so I felt more, not worse after. Now I am just numb to even thinking of an intimate connection, much less putting on lingerie or pretty jammies.

I had no idea that this was a thing. Years ago, I would have never thought he was preferring to get off by himself. A few magazines, but it just never occurred to me. Then I knew the first time he expressed wanting to see me with another man, something was off. It took 5 years to get pregnant with my second child because of low sperm count and barely having sex. Then his wanting me to be an exotic dancer, so other men would ogle me. After that, I was never the same. My wedding night was terrible with him begging me to say vulgar things - I knew then he had been with the dancer at his bachelor party.

The part that hurt the worst was never doing anything with his family. Choosing to be home and do his own thing with p-rn. Honestly it all hurt the worse, I was just a trophy, he wanted nothing to do with his family or us. It all kind of came out 6 years ago, then I knew something was up. My daughter kept saying he used all the data, then my son let the dog chew up his phone. He had seen his dad and knew it was not right. When his work got him an iPhone it all escalated.

I wish for all of us to find our Goddess again. To feel beautiful in our own skin. I should stop rambling on.

Wow, did I write that?
by: Anonymous

Wow, Robin, I have to say - I feel like you were writing my words from my life.

You are spot on and it seems like we are in the same place.

That selfish all-about-me sex is flat out demoralizing. What woman in their right mind would want that?

I wish that I could say I have no regrets in life, but this narc changed all that for me.

Robin
by: Gail

’m so sorry to read this Robin. I was triggered reading your painful story... as it brought back so many bad memories

Not having a real connection with your significant other due to the fact that they are in another world is heart wrenching.

Now that I have separated he runs around trying to intimidate my friends and is still lying to his pastor. The lies never stop. He has changed so much from the man I dated. When internet p*rn arrived it was like opening Pandora’s Box. The lust and craving for more was relentless. A wife feels like absolute dirt. It is no way to live. Men will never fully realize the full impact and pain they heap upon their wives.

We are human beings...flesh and blood...deserving of love and respect. xo

I was too
by: Anonymous

I also was thinking the same thing. That he posted that because he knew his wife would see it. The thing is, these men think they’re so smart but they’re so dumb! I don’t try to find out what my husband does anymore. I don’t care. But he so dumb it's pretty easy to figure it out.

I am sorry, does not cut here either.
by: Robin

Here "I am sorry" was an excuse to do it again. As long as he was sorry, it was ok. Like being or dealing with ED or PIED or DE was fun, then it got dreadful.

Mine was also a Narc and it is a battle to finish splitting up. And just now when I did not want to speak to him, he was going to knock the pies out of my hands that I had just gotten, homemade. Or the anger if I say no to sex because it’s mechanical if it works at all. The list goes on and I am not saying I am perfect, but this has drove me to a point of no return. It is too true, that which you finally SEE cannot be unseen. I am so glad my trauma goes away so much quicker now. Today I felt free once again, not believing his lies and the craziness or his criticizing me, saying all I do is complain. I do not even complain.

"So Sorry" is nothing new here to me and without really working at seeing what a relationship should be like, it is all abuse. Emotional abuse, Sexual abuse and most of the time it leads to Physical Abuse and Intimacy Anorexia which is also abuse. I do not miss feeling like I am trapped or catching me where I can be pinned in and forcing affection on me. Most of all, I do not miss the rejection that comes from a self-serving man, who will reject the woman in front of him for an onscreen woman to enjoying himself with.

I am not sorry that I have seen the light of day, know when I am being manipulated, projected upon or gaslighted. I am not sorry that I have seen the truth, despite words.

Re Recovery
by: Gail

Yes sadly I was thinking the exact same thing...you may be sincere or you may be baiting your wife who follows this column..

I know after experiencing decades of lying, gaslighting and deflection that a narcissist would do exactly this..

Either way, seek help..


Re: recovery
by: Anonymous

I agree about the recovery. I too wonder about that. Andrew, your post was thoughtful and you sound sorry. However, since you mentioned your wife comes on this forum I have to wonder about your real motives for posting here. It seems like something my narcissistic husband would do to try to convince me. Sorry to be harsh but I've lived with this too long and once the reality really sets in, you can't "unsee" it. Hopefully you are sincere and not a narcissist. If so, get real help and maybe you'll have real hope.

Recovery
by: Catherine

Excellent point, Robin.

Recovery is so important for everyone. It would be good to hear a response or comment on the topic of recovery.

For me, being on the receiving end (like so many on this forum), I think being given more of an insight into the layers of their recovery and healing would advantage those trying hard to apologize for their behavior.

Just hearing sorry doesn't cut it, especially when some are repeat offenders.

Recovery
by: Robin

I tend to wonder if the men that post on here are in any real recovery?


They are sorry but no one talks about recovery, rewiring the brain, nadda.

Glimmer of Hope
by: Andrew

I viewed p*rnography over a period of 17 years while together with my wife, both before and after we were married. I also fantasized about being with other women, including her sister of all people - this is a very big betrayal and hurt her incredibly.

She put up with a lot, including the lies and gas lighting to protect myself. This addiction ruined our marriage, we're live under the same roof but all trust is gone - the bedrock of a loving relationship.

She has educated so much as to what it really is, how it suppresses women and is the main go-to sex education for impressionable boys. I am ashamed of my past, ashamed for all the pain I've caused, the lies, the arguments and fights - time we will never get back. I am ashamed that I couldn't figure it out on my own, to be a decent man and love and cherish my wife as she deserved to be.

She regularly reads this forum and contributes sometimes, finding like-minded women who have been hurt so badly, and continue to be hurt by men who are selfish, little more than boys that never grew into mature men. I want to apologize at least semi-publicly (understanding this is an anonymous forum) for all the pain and hurt that I've caused over so many years. I want to apologize for not giving her the life she deserved over that time, apologize for not supporting her, for the betrayals, the lies and for the lost time she will not get back. For all these things I am truly sorry.

It saddens me very much that so many men see nothing wrong with viewing it. How many use it regularly, and the type of content they watch. I'm at least able to say that I have not viewed any type of p*rnography for more than 2 years and believe I never will again. I am a supporter of TraffickingHub, and hope the main adult sites will be shut down and our younger generation be protected from this societal scourge.

If there is any positive out of my experiences, I will work hard to educate my son as to the dangers of viewing this type of content, how it shapes attitudes towards women so he can make the right decisions when he encounters it (as he surely will at some point). I will educate my daughter so she does not feel pressure to conform to society's 'normal', looking for attention in other boys / men and demands respect from day 1 as all women have a right to do.

It may be too late for my relationship with my wife, I truly hope not, but I have taken too long to learn lessons and have been given many, many chances.

I hope everyone on this forum finds peace and closure and are able to move on with their lives. It starts with men taking responsibility, saying enough is enough, admitting mistakes of the past and not tolerating gender suppression in all its modern day forms, educating our youth to make the right choices - this may only be a fantasy, but I can now honestly say it is the only fantasy I have.

Thank you, Andrew

Jeremy
by: Gail

Unfortunately this is probably not the best forum for help or advice for your situation. There is a lot of pain, anger and frustration here for good reason. Marriages have been ripped apart due to this problem.

The lying and lack of trust are ultimately what destroy relationships. For me anyways…

If you really want to turn your life around and do everything you can to conquer this, there are great resources and testimonials on line...

Also, follow "Fight the New Drug"...

To Jeremy
by: Anonymous

You sound like my husband. He was Mr. over-the-top nice guy when he got caught. That wore off in about a week. I see that he is not doing what he had been, but that he too looked up a name, just like you. I'm way beyond patting him on the back with a "that's okay, you really didn't do anything", because, just as Robin said - you had that person on your mind or you wouldn't have even looked it up. Just because you were able to stop yourself means very little at the point where I suspect she's at (where I am). Sorry to be so blunt, but you probably won't get sympathy here where so many of us have lived with the lies and deceit, changed personalities, and loneliness that comes with this. Just do her a favor and let her move on.

Maybe she's sick of it
by: Anonymous

Maybe she does believe that you closed the site out and didn’t watch it, but maybe she so sick and tired of going through the trust issues with you she just doesn’t want to do it anymore. Who knows? Maybe next time you will watch the whole thing. Why did you even do that in the first place? This is the problem… you guys can’t be trusted and we are sick of it! We don’t want to spend another minute of our time dealing with it. She doesn’t know if this really will be the last time. She has heard this over and over and over.

Just looked up porn stars- wrong place for JUST
by: Robin

Well if that is all you did, that was enough. I know I was so sick of hearing it, that just looking at psubs did it for me or looking up information about the p*rn star, so videos or if I heard I am not doing anything anymore.

If you looked them up you wanted to see them and fantasize or why else look them up.

My husband is also out and a liar and when you lie so much we stop believing the truth too.

I am sure there is more to this than just looking up these stars for your wife to totally be done. It is not just the looking, many behaviors change and if you read through the thread, so does our sex lives. Rarely do we even get to have sex with our p*rn-addicted husbands.

A man who messed up
by: Jeremy

I’d had a problem with p*rn for few years, but I hadn’t watched it for almost a year. Last month I googled a p*rn stars name; that’s all I did, no videos or anything like that. Then last week I started to watch 1 and closed it out, but didn’t watch it. When I came home from work, my wife tells me she’s done with me and kicks me out. I lied to her in the past about this, but this time I was honest with her after she found out. I told her I had a moment of weakness but I didn’t watch it. All I want to do is spend the rest of my life showing her honesty, trust, and love. I miss my wife deeply and I want to be at home. I just need some advice. She won’t speak to me because I’ve hurt her with this.

Leave
by: Anonymous

Please listen to the people in the group and get out! You will save yourself a lifetime of unhappiness! These men don’t change and you can’t fix them. They just get sneakier with their addiction and hide it better. You think you’re upset right now by leaving. Try being upset the rest of your life!! You’re better off leaving now and trying to find someone else! Love doesn’t hurt.

This is Not Your Problem
by: Anonymous

Sweet heart run...don't walk. Get out you Can Not fix him. He is not your partner. You deserve so much more. Please do not give him any more of your precious time. His self-centered sick wants come first. If you have to do it in hiding, sneaking and betrayal it is not healthy. His sickness will take you down with him. Don't let his Big Problem become yours.

Stay strong and reach out to the group. Hugs

I caught him on X-rated sites
by: Anonymous

I’ve been with my bf since I was 18 and I'm now 27. I caught him before on sites and I forgave him. But now I caught him again and I found like 30 blocked numbers in his phone. I unblocked some of them before he caught me, but I called them and they were all escorts :( IDK what to think. I’ve just been really heartbroken about it and had no one to really tell about it. But it really sucks to put all your time into someone and now I don’t really know how to feel. I don’t know what's going on. I'm still with him but at the same time I'm hurt. Just the other day I looked to see who he has been calling and it's some weird numbers and he calls them like twice; they call back and he calls them while he’s at work and when he gets out. I just have been having a real bad gut feeling and idk what to do. Can someone recommended how to find out who he is texting and calling?

Agree with Gail
by: Robin

Good God, get the hell away from him if you can. Get some support and help.

He is not right in the head and using you for what I have no idea. YOU deserve a healthy relationship with a healthy sexual relationship.

Lonely
by: Gail

Get out of that situation ASAP...seriously he is very messed up. It is critical that you find support around you..

Lonely
by: Anonymous

My boyfriend of a little over a year first asked me in beginning if I swung. I thought weirdo and no. Well we continued dating and 3 months in I searched his phone to see him respond to what I thought was a woman saying certain sexual things, which confused me. I thought I read it wrong, only to find out months down the road it was a transgender. I wanted to vomit. He has told me this was all in his past and because I really care and love him I accepted his excuse. He has no desire for sex with me, even more so as time went on. He gets angry, calls me names and I know he’s watching this trash, he denies but I know he is. I’m grossed out. To me he’s got all he needs in his hand, his phone and his p***k. I need to walk and soon because he’s making me feel ugly and unwanted.

Brain on p*rn-
by: Robin

It totally affects the brains chemicals, signals, the list goes on. It is all just so sad.

Women praying to get God or Us out of this. I just do not know how to feel anymore, but I do know I love my boys (and pray they will never turn to this garbage after what their father has done). For the most part I heartily believe that too.

To all the women trying to get their husbands to notice them, realize they won’t because p*rn turns them into emotionless, feeling-less, and non-caring idiots.

Agreed Robin
by: Gail

University of Cambridge did a study on this addiction. The images were shocking. The changes in the p-rn addict's brain was astounding. This accounts for the many behavioral changes in these individuals. Researchers said 'anger' was the most common personality change reported.....

The brain on p*rn
by: Robin

Look up "your brain on p*rn" and "what p*rn does to the brain". It is absolutely nothing I could have imagined, how all the self-gratification and watching explicit videos changes not only their thinking but also the dopamine highs, etc. How they train their sexual response by signals of the brains, which are low to normal stimulation when using. It just floored me, after so much use. I hope you are safe. If you need any book references on your brain on p*rn let me know. (bondsflowers (at) gmail.com)

lawyer
by: Robin

I am so sorry and waiting it out is risking your life with him. They are monsters on top of their cyber addiction. Mine destroyed my bedroom a month ago (again) and has these god-fearing, abusive fits to put me in place or get me to be so scared I’ll change and be how he wants me.


I am so sorry, I wish I had better words for you.

I'm in the same boat
by: Anonymous

Sorry to hear about what the Lawyer said to you, but I'm not surprised. A LOT of us like you are and in the same boat! This is what this garbage does to us women. It sneaks up on us. We have no idea that our husbands or boyfriends are even looking at this filth until years later.

The problem with this addiction is it takes years to figure out what the problem is and then you already had years of building a family, house etc. with them. Then, if you get a divorce, you have to split everything with them. I am 55 years old as of Friday. I don’t work. I don’t carry the insurance. He is on disability so I can’t get that, but guess what? The house that I paid for we will have two split. My rental that I paid for? Guess what, we will have to split that too. I'm not well to do, since I bought these things!

I had no idea I married a liar, a sneak, and a user. I try to live my life for me and let my husband do him without him doing anything that will hurt me financially. I pray to God every day to take me out of this mess.

Back again
by: Anonymous

First, to anonymous’ post about "p*rn and death", I am so sorry. I'm sure if he thought he could get away with it mine would kill me too. But maybe not until after my paychecks stop coming in.

I posted earlier that I was finally getting out after 25 years of marriage. Well, when I met with the attorney he said I'm going to not only lose all I've worked so hard for (I was ready for that), but also that I would be made to pay him huge amounts. So huge that I wouldn't be able to afford to live myself. Since he is not in good health he basically said wait it out.

This has been the worst news and I feel unsure whether I can go on.

We have a lot of land so I'm considering putting a small cabin or home on the property so I don't have to share the same airspace. Especially after today when he again went off on me. He started to charge me but stopped when I pulled my phone out. I should've let him hit me first, then pulled it out so I could have him arrested. I won't make that mistake again.

He has become much worse since the p*rn and is probably very capable of killing me in his narcissistic rage.

I had planned to confront him with his dirty little habit today, but after the rage incident I didn't really see the point. It's not like he has the capacity to actually care. He will just blame that too on me.

I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks and any advice is always appreciated.

P*rn and Death
by: Anonymous

My husband tried to kill me. He had a well thought-out three year plan to make me go crazy at the end by lacing my Ambien with something. He got into all things on technology, listening devices, my car navigation was hacked and was lacing me with something that made me crazy. This all happened after I found out about his smoking, drinking, and 30 year p*rn addiction.

We have been married for 26 years. I am very emotionally unstable from the PSTD. He slept in the guest room for 15 years and never wanted sex. I actually think he has an appetite for both sexes. Does anyone have any insight to someone who has been watching for so long? We have a 22 year old daughter and I wondered if he was looking at her sexually. It’s made me a nervous wreck as he has brain washed her. He gas lighted me in the worse way and I barely escaped him to get to family. He is so self-absorbed he would rather be the grieving widower than just divorce me. He is a pathological liar and has no remorse. I believe he is a complete psychopath. I just hope I can get my self-esteem back. I am sure he has had several affairs but he is so emotionally detached I can't imagine him having a loving affair, but just one for sex.

71 and caught!
by: Robin

Thank you for sharing, you inspire me! I do not want this in my life for that many more years!

You go Momma!! Great advice too!

Now that we are separating mine is a monster again, violence, speaking and all these years I have felt like I was with a Pervert!

To KathyAnonymous
by: Anonymous

I'm so with you and in the same place. This pandemic has slowed me down for the moment, but I'm out! I will likely lose everything but as long as I get rid of the deceit, lying, and mental abuse I will be happy again one day.

You go girl! Although I'm sorry for you, I am happy that I'm not the only one in this situation.
Bless you!

This garbage destroys families
by: KathyAnonymous

I caught my husband who is 71 years old on Halloween night last year, but his addiction goes back at least 6 years. Three days after I caught him, he tried to kill himself from the shame of being caught.

If p*rn is ruining your life, use the same technology to ruin theirs. First have the computer searched by an expert: then download one of many monitoring software without his knowledge. I get screen shots and his history sent to my email, plus these programs block adult content.

I have been through counseling and am a Christian and intend to leave very soon and divorce my pervert.

At some point we need to not allow the truck he drove through the house to ever be put in reverse and come back into the house. If we as women accept loveless marriages and the stress this puts on our kids and family, we all fail.

My boundary was crossed, by a mile and I want my mile back. I know I sound harsh but I’m over it. He doesn’t get to bail on this marriage, I do.

You're welcome
by: Robin

You are very welcome and yes that crazy feeling is horrible. It's even worse when we have no one we can talk to!


Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thanks so much Robin and Gail. Your words mean so much at a time when I feel so alone and crazy since most would not understand unless they haven't experienced it.

The final straw
by: Gail

So sorry to hear. This is the same scenario as me. P*rn addiction is horrible and it is everywhere...the personality changes are scary. They become arrogant narcissists who just lie, project and criticize. It is cruel and there are a lot of therapists and pastors ignorant of how bad the situation can be. I had to leave after 26 years.

So sorry
by: Robin

I am so very sorry. You did not deserve all those lonely years. YOU can do this, you deserve so much more! It makes them so mean, ugly and just not normal.

Sending you a big hug! SiStar rock it out and get the life you deserve!

The final straw
by: Anonymous

After wasting almost 30 years of my life on a lying, deceitful husband, first because I didn't want my daughter passed between homes, and then because it will be financially and otherwise devastating, I am now done. After recent personality changes (even worse than usual), I learned that my 67 year old narcissistic husband is now deeply into p*rn. This after being unable to perform for at least 12 years. I have kept myself well and am still attractive to other men so I have not deserved all of these lonely years. Also, since I make more money than him I am afraid for what lies ahead, but feel I must end the cruelty. After all the years of emotional abuse, along with some physical abuse as well, I am trying to find the strength to get out. Any words of advice or encouragement would be welcome.

So sorry
by: Robin

Well its not your fault, that is for sure. I hope you know that. This addiction makes them not good lovers in bed and unrealistic. You're so young and deserve so much more.

To Young and addicted
by: Gail

My advice is to get out ASAP. Seriously, if you don’t want a life of hell, focus on yourself. Get an education...this will drag you down and you lose your love for life. The behavior gets worse, not better.

Young & addicted
by: Anonymous

I am about to turn 21 and my boyfriend is 22, and he watches p*rn. Every single day at some point in time.

It’s a turn off for me. And makes me feel insecure in myself because he was stuck on one on one videos and would lie about them. He watched cams and lied about them, now he saves multiple videos to watch later and says it’s mainly my fault we don’t have sex. But how can I? When I don’t look like these girls he stares at all day. We’ve been together for almost 2 years and his wants have always been way higher than mine. I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

Tired and scared
by: Gail

You have got to get out of that toxic environment. Is there nowhere you can go? Family or friends? You need support to stay strong and heal away from him.

I am sorry
by: Justmeplease

I am sorry

Tired and scared
by: Anonymous

🥺😪😔 I’ve been suffering for years; he’s angry and I can't leave. Now I’m looking at his sex toys while I lay next to him in my g string. We’ve been together for 25 years. We’re not married and he never asked me.

It makes me physically sick to my stomach
by: Anonymous

Hello, I am not married. Never have been, but one problem I have come across with every man I have ever been with is p*rn. And of course, they never seem to understand why or how it hurts us women. Even when I tell my boyfriend, his usual responses are 'oh it's only p*rn' or the popular ‘they’re not real' (which I love that because they are). The fact they are on a screen instead of in person does not make them any less human.

I'm very sick to my stomach and tired of this trash and what it does to men specifically. I'm tired of the lies and deceit they are willing to go just to hide the fact they watch it. And I'm sick and tired of being called names or insecure because I find it extremely hurtful and disrespectful (among other things).

I found out months ago my boyfriend is into some very...gross stuff. He lied and hid from me for months even though I knew. I would see on his phone some of the things he was searching, but he still lied. I am not counting on it, but I will be so glad if the day ever comes they not be so obsessed over it. Its hurtful and makes a lot of women wonder why they are with them if all they ever want to do is look at sexy women constantly. Seems like they can’t live without it and in my eyes that's pretty disgusting behaviors. I love my boyfriend but I don’t know what to do.

There are options
by: Amy

I'm have felt the pain in the past with my husband and now with my boyfriend. We stay in separate rooms now. I don't feel any better.

But this is for the women who are in a physically abusive relationship with children. I have had to do this myself when I was with my husband (who tried to kill me and then committed suicide). You can get a thousand dollars for leaving an abusive relationship from your local Department of Human Services. They can also assist you with secretly establishing an escape plan with WEAVE. Depending on where you live there are safe houses that can house you and your children.

Once you are in a safe environment you will begin the counseling process of healing. As well as job training and placement. I have learned valuable skills from this. The only thing missing was how to detect p*rn addiction early in the relationship. GOD doesn't want you to stay in a relationship that is killing you from the inside. That's suicide.

I hope that someone who needs this information is strong enough to take the steps necessary. Remember if you are going to leave, don't talk about it. You will not get the response that you want. Every day that you stay you are saying that it is okay to treat me this way. Nothing will change only get worse.

As for my boyfriend it's his loss. I deserve better and I will get better by loving myself.

No trust
by: Anonymous

My husband refuses couples therapy and blames me for all our intimacy issues. Finally went to therapy on his own, but says his therapist doesn't think he's a p*rn addict. I've found suggestive phrases on a translate app. He has cryptocurrency which I suspect he uses to pay for cam shows. He claims he's stopped looking at this over a month ago. He has said that before and lied. He gaslights me and shows very little interest in the bedroom. He never compliments me, and when I ask for that, he claims all I think of is sex. We had a time when we went for 6 years without being intimate. He was a men's club and lap dance fan when he was single. He calls me crazy for not believing that he is all of a sudden p*rn-free.

Sorry
by: Robin

In my case it did not and he just started using Psubs. You are more than welcome to contact me to talk.

bondsflowers at outlook.com

You really know if you are not having sexual relations with him. Meaning no sex

Does it ever go away?
by: Anonymous

Not sure where to start cause I am numb. I am 51 he is 57, the most amazing man I have ever met. He cooks, cleans, and helps with everything around the house.

I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride. He watches nasty videos and is obsessed with young girls. Been a couple weeks since our argument, and he seems to have changed. I suspect he has a tablet, so nothing shows up on his phone. I asked him about it cause while I had his phone (he willingly left it with me all day everyday), I saw a notification that a new device (tablet) connected to his Gmail account. He says he does not have one, but he has not changed his password to any of his accounts (bank accounts, credit cards) which are all the same as his email account.

Am I fooling myself? He swears he has left it all behind, but I question how someone who was/is obsessed can turn it off like a switch.

Any advice will help. Perhaps just someone to talk to since I am isolated.

I’m in the same boat
by: Anonymous

I’m an attractive 40-year-old woman and I know he used to love me different before I was diagnosed with cancer. However, I never went in his phone. I do have access to some of his phone actions and of course, he claims they are a lie (dating sites, escort sites, hotels near our home he can smoke in...WTF?) God forbid he proposes and mean it, he just doesn’t seem to give a darn about anything. Ever since he started his job, the gambling and temper have gotten out of control. What bites is I don’t/can’t work, so I don’t know how I would separate, even if I really wanted too. I’m just so beyond broken and sad...yet, I’m supposed to get up every day and act like everything is fine. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this...it wasn’t always like this. It just makes me sick. I could see if I let myself go, but this is so not the case. I’m constantly told I’m beautiful.

Lying
by: Robin

Empathy and forgiveness?

Yuck!


Life and addiction
by: Anonymous

P*rn is an addiction like any narcotic drug. The problem is it is hard to see in a person and EVERY man has dealt with it. In this world it is too easily available and men use it because they feel rejected many times. It doesn't make it right, but it is a sickness. I personally have struggled with it and the only respite I have had is because of the Grace of Jesus Christ. In other words Jesus dying for me has given me the commitment to leave it and not want it for the most part. Another way to put it is that I don't want it to ruin my relationship w my spouse or Him.

Yet because of that grace, I can move on and continue to love and not hurt myself or others even (if the intention was not to hurt but pleasure and stress relief). Love your spouse with crazy love whether they return that love or not because that is what true love is. If you are being abused physically or maybe mentally, then get out. You can be the person who does the right thing male or female. I know it seems hopeless but there is hope. It will never be perfect in this life but you can change yourself if you want and Jesus grace and mercy is the way to do it. Make yourself the best you can be and they will notice. Don’t push your spouse away because you are angry (although it’s hard not to do). Have forgiveness and empathy because it is the right thing to do.

Explain to him why the p*rn industry is so evil and how it exploits those men and women and to feel he needs that makes you feel devalued even though it is probably not his intention. There is hope because I personally have battled it and though I will always be an addict and maybe even fail occasionally yet I know that my Spouse is worth it and the mercy grace and love of Christ will keep me walking upright.

Another Dday
by: Robin

My story, as many of you know, is similar to yours. Yet here I sit an idiot, of another Dday as I was cleaning up for Xmas. My daughters flannel full of c**. I am beyond hurt and my heart is broke. I will survive him. I will not get to the darkest place that I had gotten before. To think, 3 years ago all I wanted was more from my intimate experiences and all he wanted was to pleasure himself. I do not believe any lies he tells me anymore, I married a liar and that hurts the worst.

67 year old spouse
by: Gail

Sorry for your heartache...I have left a 27 year old marriage due to a this nasty addiction, lies and the horrible personality changes; especially anger.

Men DO have needs and cannot be expected to never have sex or sexual release...that is definitely going to open the avenues for straying.

HOWEVER, internet p*rnography has created a host of problems. Young girls galore anytime they want...variety and images more than willing to perform any disgusting sexual act.

Men and some women have literally done damage to their brains as more and more studies are sounding the alarm. This 'addiction' is destroying marriages and relationships at an alarming rate. Human connection is to be nurtured and developed. Internet smut teaches immediate and selfish gratification.

Heartbreaking and frustrating...focus on yourselves ladies and live for you.

Lies and his addiction
by: Anonymous

Okay, here I go. My spouse is 67 years old. We haven't had sex in years because of my medical conditions. It was approximately two months ago when I noticed a change in him. He was using the computer late at night, when I would be asleep. I got on my computer history and it blew my mind that he could be doing this, it was all over the place. It made me cry and so angry. I didn't even want to look at him and when I asked he denied it and got so angry. When he did finally admit it, I was so very hurt and he said he wouldn't do it anymore. But guess what? He is still looking at adult sites, because I check every day. I know if I confront him, he would deny it again. We have been married for 44 years and I love him dearly, but I can't put up with it anymore. He told me he had been doing this for five or six months and he says a man has needs. I have low self-esteem and I feel as if wants these young women with huge breasts and whatever else they have that I don't have. I am at my wits end and I don't want to leave, mainly because the house we bought, we bought with my father’s inheritance. I have asked him to leave and he won't.

Just so you know
by: Anonymous

I’ve too been in the same scenario!! I felt that it was my fault and I didn’t show/give him enough love!! But ladies, there comes a time when we have to "man up" and finally look in the mirror and say I am worthy and deserve MORE than this disrespect, deserve more love, respect, and appreciation instead of being degraded or belittled!! Stand up for yourself!! MOST Men That HAVE these characteristics seriously HAVE childhood "issues" and Are BROKEN! NOT YOU!!

Lying
by: Robin

The worst is all the lying; it made me feel crazy and he still lies. Over little dumb stuff. Over and over. I had no idea I had married a big ole liar.


After the last dday, I was so done.

Passive Aggressive behavior
by: Robin

Yes, Passive-aggressive behavior here too and all the manipulation around sex.

Gail thank you! We still want Romance and a true loving connection.

Agree with Robin
by: Gail

Totally right Robin...this is not how it is supposed to be...the internet has re-wired men's and women's brains who are addicted to this trash...

Emotional maturity has gone out the door. People have no idea how to communicate with their significant other anymore. Sad state of affairs...

A different perspective
by: Robin

Most of us deny sex is because we do not want p*rn sex, or don’t want to deal with ED or PIED. Are you offering her lovemaking, foreplay, taking baths together? Washing her hair or any other type of intimacy? Are your eyes open during sex with kissing? Many of us deal with sex that is not normal loving sex or no sex at all. There are 2 sides to turning down your partner. My husband threatened to go back to this trash I told him to go ahead. I am so over all of it.

Another point of view!
by: Anonymous

I am a man and I watch p*rn. I stopped looking at it for about the first year me and my wife dated. After that, I only looked at it when my wife denied me sex. As sex denial increased, so did the amount of time I spent watching it. I never hid it or denied it. I explicitly told her if you deny me sex I'm going to use p*rn. I haven't looked at it in 6 months and we're still having sex less and less. She would rather divorce than seek council. We have children. I will not accept divorce until after it is way too late. There are things I have asked her to stop doing but she flat-out lied. She said she would stop but didn't. The things that she's done upset me. I wouldn't consider cheating, but she would if I did it.

To Celeste
by: gail

To the last post... I am sorry for your heartache...all of us on this page know what you are going through...

If I was your age and could do this all over I would have left ASAP....the lies and manipulation never stop.

All the wishing and dreaming and crying do not change his addicted brain, unfortunately. Get out and live for you! Please look after yourself...

xoxox

Reply to Cara
by: Anonymous

I’m 64 years old. My husband has been addicted to p*rn all his adult life. My first encounter was when there was a bedroom scene in a movie and he said, "Oh baby." 23 years later, I caught him on the computer. I’m not a rag, I take care of myself. He has no excuse. I recently caught him again. I had a breakdown. I was begging my daddy who has passed away to come get me. Every day now and probably for the rest of my life will just be going through the motions of life. I have fought the fight, lost the war and the battle rages on in my heart. I’m Catholic and seeing him bald-faced lie to God and take communion is sickening.

He lies about what he is doing and why
by: Anonymous

Well hello all, I am so excited to find this site. Thank you all for being so open, honest, and kind.

I’m frustrated and alone, with the man of my dreams. My husband says he loves me, says he is so attracted to me, says, says, says. He talks but doesn't have any walk to actually show me his love.

I know I am not alone as I have spoken with other women who say their husbands are the same way. This has been a problem for us for many years. P*rn has caused so much disunity and dissension in my family that I am sick to my stomach to think about having sex with him.

My husband is adorable, brilliant, sexy, caring, kind, loving and very gifted not only in real life but also in the bedroom. He has been the only man to ever get me off! If you know what I'm saying. For so long my self-esteem was shattered. At 25 I had to leave him and the largest part of that separation was due to the lack of interest and desire he showed towards me and the constant hiding, deceitful actions, and insane crazy out of your mind accusations he would insist I was doing.

At that time I had just had my second baby and my body was in shambles. I already hated the way I looked and felt, and the behaviors only increased my issues tenfold. Often times hindering my ability to truly live life.

So please remember, this is my high school sweetheart, the man of my dreams, the only man that has ever provided me with release, but only when he is making love to me without the use of inanimate objects.

I'm concerned about his health and well-being. He hates what he is doing so much that he turns it around in me looking grabbing and grasping for any and everything he can to get on me. He wants to prove something to himself or me, I'm not sure. He lies about what he is doing and why. He accuses me of cheating. He denies me in the bedroom, unless like many of you stated, it’s on his terms and time.

I love him and want to support him. At the same time, this is killing me. I am young, brilliant, sexy, kind, good and loving. In the best shape of my life going on 40.

What do I do? I want him to get help. He is going to end up killing either himself or me over this. I will not divorce, but possibly get my own apartment? I am so lost and longing for the true affection of my husband, I have started to think about seeing someone else, just on a level of intimacy that is no longer found at home. He has started to become physically abusive towards me saying that I make him do those things to me. Even though I have worked so hard to be kind and gentle, tip-toeing around the obvious. He hounds me for hours upon hours about things we have already dealt with, trying to get me to slip up. He makes up things about what I am thinking in my head, and then physically man-handles me when he has gotten me into a rage but refuses to leave me alone or allow me to leave.

I am terrified he is going to seriously injure or kill himself in his escapades alone or in the constant barrage of questions/bullying/threats and deceits. What do I do?

Thank you and may God Bless all of us trying to get through hell to get to heaven. Celeste

reply to Cara
by: Anonymous

Please Cara, PLEASE, understand that you just cannot fix him--no matter what, he will NOT love you the way you want him to, or the way you love him-- his brain just doesn't work the way your brain does. It is like you are talking English and he is talking Spanish, it just does not compute--- But let me say this--you have 2 little ones. They live in the house and see how you and hubby's relationship is, THAT to them is normal!!! You need to show them that is NOT the way mature adults act. Men are NOT allowed to treat women that way- Far easier said than done---so where do you go tomorrow when you need milk and soup? Where are you supposed to take your kids and yourself to sleep tonight? Do you start all over in a shelter of some sort? I hung on myself more out of pride--I was a professional businesswoman, how did I sink so low? Not a single person from my professional life would even recognize me--and NO ONE would understand--so I sit here, taking abuse, my confidence is long gone, and my soul literally sucked away--and why? Because I am now 63 and have nowhere to go--- So my advice to you is, 1st, set the example to your kids as to how it SHOULD be between couples---that should set your soul on fire to move on to the next step--then hit every abuse shelter/center you can-- because you ARE being abused! Those people will help and direct you---keep at it-- do not despair---you have thousands of us behind you and supporting you! I would die right now if I knew none of us ever got out of this mess---while I can't, YOU can, and I am rooting for you!!!

Denise R
by: Robin

I have no idea what to think, mine is so weird and a dirty bird. Who knows what is going on in their minds. I found a shirt covered in his stuff, it is so gross.

All the lies and getting worse!
by: Denise R.

My husband and I have been married for 34 years and I can't take it anymore. He's addicted to alcohol and porn. I'm leaving him soon. I do not love him anymore. One day I looked under his mattress and he had my kid’s photo when they were young and some more of my family pictures in a sandwich bag in a Playboy magazine. He even cut a picture out from a dead person’s obituary. The scary part was that he had their heads cut off their pictures and put in a sandwich bag. He goes into rages, screaming, and about to lose it. I told him he has to get his own place. But I'm moving soon myself, by myself; I don't need him with me at all. He’s weird. What do you think of this?

I am in your shoes
by: Robin

Same here at 49 and it is awful. Here is my email if anyone would like someone to reach out to or talk to.
bondsflowers (at) outlook.com

Reply to Cara
by: Anonymous

Cara, I hope you are okay. You have been through a lot. All I can say is, try to be kind to yourself – you deserve it.

I feel the same – when you have been lied to on so many occasions, it becomes hard to ever trust. But also, the loneliness from not having the support from family and friends adds to the heartache. My sister told me to keep my thoughts to myself because talking about porn is personal. I have since found out that her husband looks at it. She doesn’t like him doing it but doesn’t want anyone to know because that would make her marriage look like a failure.

It would be great if your husband would seek help, but I doubt you could get him to see what this is doing to you and your boys. You shouldn’t be feeling weighed down by everyday living, but I know how you feel. You are in survival mode. Looking after children is not an easy task and even harder when you have a toxic environment around you.

I do feel sorry for these men seeking these avenues like porn. They’re all suffering from some form of mental health issues. But in saying that, I make no excuses for their behaviors. They are grown men and know the difference between what is right and what is wrong. No doubt, his behaviors relate to his upbringing and from seeing porn at such a young age. His mother sounds like my ex-mother-in-law; she said the same thing to me – ‘boys will be boys’. She was protecting herself from the knowledge that she has brought up a disrespectful man. And she was a cold-hearted woman – never anything nice to say, it was all about her.

My husband lied to me constantly for 18 years. Unfortunately, I too am not in the financial position to leave. The decision not to leave comes down to wanting to ensure that my children are financially set up for the future. If I had the money, I would ask him to leave. Oh, the energy I would feel from not having his presence around me would be very satisfying.

I have found it hard to reconcile why he would use other women for his desires. He looked at teenage girls, lesbians, dwarfs, etc, thousands of images. I would often see him perving on women – he couldn’t see them as humans, only as something to desire and get off on. And his behaviors all round are just hideous. He has done too many things over the years to list. I just wish luck would come my way and I could, for the first time in my life, feel peace. I hate it. I never feel at peace.

I have three children and I now see myself telling them to be careful of the partners they choose, especially my girls. I have told them not to bring children into the world unless you are 150% sure that they can trust in the other person. I am not interested in being a grandparent, I am only interested if their parents are treating each other with pure respect. I am sick of hearing of the increasing amounts of divorce due to porn – it is not something that I thought would become common.

I agree with you, this all sucks – it sucks for us, it sucks for the kids, it just sucks! Like you, all I ever wanted was a beautiful family based on love and trust. There needs to be more education out there for people entering marriages and an awareness of pornography. I am amazed at how many of my friends have no clue as to how disgusting and disrespectful the porn of today is.

Cara, I hope you can start to feel better knowing that there are people on this blog who care about your situation. I just wish we could all get together and share in our stories face-to-face.

Looking for a reply
by: Cara

Well, I’m finally brave enough to include my name in the comment description. Can I just say how much this f***ing sucks? I am a Roman Catholic and spiritual person but a situation like this deserves a curse word thrown in here or there. I am 31 years old. I have a 2-year-old, a 1-year-old, and recently gave birth to a 12 week/3 day old baby in my own home. He was breathing in front of me and I held him as he passed. We buried him 2 days later. To say the past 2 months have been hell is an understatement. By the way, I wrote ‘The Sink’ a few months ago.

My husband still rejects me and sex is only on his terms. I feel pathetic- like a prostitute. I am ready and willing when he will finally accept me. He says he doesn’t watch porn, but given his history, I have a hard time believing this. I feel like nothing. Like absolutely nothing. Undesirable. Unworthy. Ugly. Pathetic. You name it. I practically begged him to have sex tonight and he walked upstairs. Is life supposed to be like this?

I come from a family with an alcoholic father (2.5 years sober, Thank you Jesus) and an enabling mother and what I've learned through their relationship is you cannot control the addict. I read in previous posts to take away his phone and internet and get a flip phone. Well, good luck. If he’s anything like mine, he’ll just start going to adult boutiques and watching porn at work. You can’t control people. I constantly think about how I could possibly maybe under the right circumstance be enough for someone. But for right now, that’s impossible. I have 2 babies to take care of and no means of financially leaving.

So do I suffer for life? I watched my parents (who genuinely love each other) fight together against my father's alcoholism? I’ve tried that. But now all I can seriously handle (and I mean to the lowest extent of keeping my head above water) is feeding my kids and taking them somewhere each day to get them out of the house.

The post-traumatic stress is what no one talks about. You think you’re alright and then you’re watching some stupid show like Impractical Jokers and they’re filming in a mall in front of a Victoria’s Secret shop and it hits all over again. It never goes away. All I want is to be loved for who I am and desired. When I first caught my husband years ago, my mother in law told me the whole ‘boys with be boys’ speech and then I knew the whole thing was damned. He saw porn around age 12- his brain is fried.

My plan now includes protecting my precious innocent boys and possibly making a plan to leave him. The worst part is I do love him, but he doesn’t love me the same. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have done this. Marrying a porn addict is like handing your life over to one of constant unrest and paranoia- and trust me, this plays to their gaslighting. I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m lost. Alone. I have friends but they can’t relate. They can hardly keep their husbands off them. Porn is pure evil and even though I sympathize with my husband as a young kid being exposed to it, I am still infuriated by his inability to stop. I don’t know what he watches/if he watches. He tells me nothing. He is a mastermind of deception. I don’t deserve this and find daily life to be depressing and monotonous and lonely. Thank God I have my 2 little boys but they’ll grow up and I'll be alone/ Do I want to be 60 and comparing myself to a 19-year-old porn star?!! I need out, but right now I can’t do it.

Its not worth our life
by: Robin

Please do not consider suicide... Porn does cause us to go crazy, lose our sanity, our self-respect, and our self-worth. They are horrible in bed and feel porny.

I am with you ladies!
by: Robin

Mine has relapsed and keeps lying despite the evidence I have. I am sick of ED and dealing with porn. Even when he does not use sex is same ole same ole. Next month will be 24 years of porn hell.

Can anyone relate?
by: Anonymous

My husband is addicted to porn, uses drugs and booze to enhance the drive. Once he is all wound up from hours of porn, booze, drugs, he wants me to satisfy him. There is no 'we'-- just him. And through all of this, his hands never once touch me. He never EVER tries to entice anything from me, try to excite me. He has said many times- 'aren't you happy to have a husband that you can please?' Last night he asked in a mellow moment if I was happy, but then went on to say 'of course you are, you have a happy husband'. And he was dead serious. If he were to use porn to satisfy his desires, that would be one thing--but it seems to wind him up, and now demands ME to make it even better--- he tells me our 'best/most exciting days' are all behind us, that was only before we got married. I don't seem to be able to tell him that his addiction and selfish treatment of me has turned me off and disgusted me to the point I recoil when he touches me. His treatment of me has destroyed me. I was a professional who made decent money. He conned me into signing everything over into his name alone--long stupid story--So now I sit--no car, no property, no income besides SS, as he ended up getting me fired. He demands I pay for all living expenses-- demands as in screaming yelling matches, and he NEVER EVER stops!---and right-- I should say screw you, but what if he changes the locks? I have nowhere to go, no one to go to, as he has isolated me from all friends and family through the past 6 years we have been together. Walk out?-- you need money for a deposit, for an apartment-- now 63 years old--no car, no home, no self-respect--- I seriously see why seniors suicide-- what is left for me?

Our sanity is the cost
by: B

The cost is our sanity! I think I have PTSD. I hate leaving my house because I feel like its p*rn fest for him when I’m gone. I hide the lotions, body soap, Vaseline anything that can be used to get off. I've even caught him using hair grease, SMH. I've taken pictures of my products just to make sure when I get back they are placed the way I left them.

I'll call while I'm out and hear the echo of him being in the bathroom I'm sure doing the deed. Drives me crazy and I want to stop doing whatever it is I'm doing and rush home. I can't have fun and enjoy myself when I'm out.

It's an addiction that's worse than drugs because you can tell a drug addict, but you can't see the stain of a p*rn addict. He's done it at work and god knows where else, it kills me.

Let's not start with religion. Mine is "MUSLIM" by mouth ... but his actions are Jesus take the wheel. The only thing he doesn't do is eat pork (in that case, I guess I'm Muslim too). Lower your gaze and protect your parts, not mine he wants to have them greased up. God forbid someone says hello sweetheart and bam, I have a whole new boyfriend according to him. And then I face a whole attitude of all-day sarcasm and trash talking to me, degrading me because a stranger in the store said hello sweetheart and how can I help you.

Sex is basically like not consensual. He is getting his hit and I'm providing the hole. It doesn't matter if I want it or not. I'm his hole and in my head, I'm making a list of things that need to be done quietly. While he moans and groans drilling his way to the finish line. I'm so miserable. He waves his phone at me... as if I don't give him some he has his phone. But he says he loves me. It’s such a joke. Love is not supposed to hurt!!

Get out and self-heal
by: gail

Heart-wrenching reading these posts. I have had to leave my 25-year marriage as the lies, gas lighting, anger and sarcasm have eaten me up.

I want to find 'me' again. I am building up my network of support and moving on. My husband can lie to the church pastor, therapist, friends, and family... I am beyond caring anymore.

At one time he wanted help and I was there for him. Now he has become defiant, arrogant and heartless. A manipulator who can throw me under the bus anytime he feels like it. He needs help but IF HIS HEART IS NOT IN IT… nothing will change.

The lawyer told me this is the number one reason for divorce now. Women want to nurture and make relationships work, BUT AT WHAT COST?

Most of us are suffering from PTSD...It hurts like hell but I have to face reality. Please find the strength to take care of your mental and emotional health.

I am getting off the crazy train…

Divorce and porn
by: gail

Get out sooner rather than later ladies. I supported a so-called Christian man who has turned into a nightmare. Decades of lying, sarcasm, gas lighting and screaming. Now he is an arrogant narcissist through and through.

The longer you stay, the longer you enable the behavior. I have many regrets now that I did not look after myself. Shut down your emotions and really evaluate your life. Do you want to live like this until your last day on this earth?

So many broken promises. There is no respect or love left. He killed what was 'us'...

Good thing he attends church regularly and leads Men's Bible studies...apparently he does not practice what he preaches....sad.

Deviant p*rn has led to abuse
by: Anonymous

I am 49 years old, married 28 years, and we have a daughter who is 10. I have known about his addiction for 20 yrs. When I first confronted him about it, he pledged to quit, change his behavior, went to a therapist, and I managed to heal myself. I felt betrayed, less than, not attractive enough, even though in fact I was beautiful. Years later, his consistent pursuit of deviant p*rn has manifested itself in our sexual relationship. One night I was pretty hammered and we were having sex. I trusted he would not do anything I did not want to be done to me, but I was wrong. The next day I felt like I had been raped. Although it really wasn’t quite like that, I made a comment to him but did not really address it. I felt ashamed, disrespected and quite frankly sad that I could not trust my own husband. I shared with him that I felt fear, could never really let myself go in intimacy and felt as if I had to always say no and ruin the moment. I think I know I can’t fix it. I love him truly and he loves me, but I don’t see a way forward. I don’t believe he can stop. I have stated it will cost our marriage if he does not. And I truly think our marriage is over, if not now, then in the near future. I am sad beyond words and want our marriage to work. The thing is - I can’t give him what he wants without trust and assurance I will not get hurt. I don’t trust him because he’s given me no reason to trust him and I am sure that his obsessive behavior in watching this deviant p*rn (because it’s really disturbing and not your average) won’t stop. I don’t see us coming together on this - only because this has been going on for years. It’s now to the point where I fear for myself, I am apprehensive, and I feel fear of what he would do to me if I am again in a compromising position. If he can really quit watching this disturbing stuff, perhaps there is hope. And there lies the real problem, he just won’t quit.

I thought I was crazy!
by: Blue

I've been going thru this hell for a few years now. Someone here said silent hell and that's exactly what it feels like. Who can I tell about what I’ve been going thru and what's been happening, because it's so embarrassing and disturbing! I read my story thru all of yours. I have the kids, I’ve heard the "I’m sorry" 100 times, I looked thru the Internet history, I've found him with his private all lubed up. I've cried, I've pleaded, I've asked to please explain why so that I can understand and nothing. I'm to the point where all I feel is so much anger I’m walking on that thin line of love and hate. At this point, on most days, I would love to kick him right in his product infested privates! Lol, sad lol because if not I would just cry which I haven't done in a long time. If he doesn't say something soon, I'm just giving up. I want to be happy and I wanted him to look at me and really see me, but he spends more time looking thru the list of online sl-ts. Lol (not really), but I get it. I watched them when I first found them to see what it was all about, and the pictures stayed in my head like a lit-up Times Square billboard. I feel disgusted and ugly and betrayed and disrespected and he possibly can't care if I told him all this and wrote and texted and emailed. It feels good to vent.

His addiction ruined our marriage
by: Anonymous

All of these comments sound so familiar. I have been married for 10 years and I have 2 young children. My husband and I have had a rocky relationship for a while, but we haven’t been intimate in a year or two. He neglects me emotionally and physically and chooses this filth over me. He’s so addicted to it that he can’t physically perform with a human anymore. I’m so disgusted by him and how he has treated me for the past few years. I am fed up but don’t know what to do. I would leave but my son has a chronic illness and I need my husband’s help to take care of him. I can’t imagine ever being intimate with him again- I feel like he has all these images in his mind and would be only thinking of that while in the act with me. So what’s the point of staying in a marriage if there’s no intimacy, emotional love or anything?

I left & you can too..
by: Anonymously GONE

I’m so glad I found this site. I’m 26 & recently broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years after finding out he is addicted to porn.

I am writing this to tell anyone who needs to hear this… You are NOT obligated to fix your spouse, husband, boyfriend, man, whatever he is to you regardless of what your family, church, and friends tell you. Most of these men developed these horrible, disgusting habits way before they even knew you existed. So why is it supposed to be your life duty to fix them?

I’m sorry, but I believe your life has way more meaning than that. Even if you guys have a family together, maybe you two were only brought together to have these beautiful children & that's it. Maybe you two are supposed to go your separate ways. And yes, I totally understand why & how that can be hard to do. But can you imagine raising your children in that type of household? To have their dad to only look at their mother as an object & slave to their demands. Honestly, that sounds way worse than leaving & raising those beautiful children by yourself, in a loving home.

My heart breaks after reading some of these stories. Please get out & soon as possible. Focus on you! I believe in you!

Sick and tired of the lies and addiction
by: Anonymous

Hi everyone,

I am sorry to hear so many unfortunate stories about p-rn and its adverse effect on people and their families. It wears everyone down and brings nothing to those individuals who partake in it. The main problem is the lies associated with it, as ultimately the lies that break trust. It's not easy to get excited by a partner who lies, spends time getting off to a fake world, and only thinks of themselves. P-rn is getting worse - people are now viewing horrible acts that shouldn’t be considered normal...how could this have happened. I feel so sorry for the generations to follow.

I wish I had an answer for everyone's situation. It is not easy, especially when children are involved. And it's not easy if you don't have the right support. A lot of people still do not understand p-rn and where it has evolved to. And it's not easy when you are lied to constantly. I think it's a day-by-day situation. Just try to take care of your health!

If I had known what I know now - I would never have married the prick! Not to mention, I would never have treated him the way he has treated me - like an object. P-rn objectifies women and this is where many of the behaviors are drawn from.

How do you ever trust again, and how do you trust someone who says, after they have lied thousands of times, - "oh, I promise I will never do it again"?

I wish I had the time to be addicted to something, but I have three kids to look after, a job and a household to run. Although, I would love to be addicted to a kind, warm and gentle man...maybe in my next life!

For the mom of 3
by: Patty

For the mom of three. We all are going through what you are! You can get child support. PLEASE DONT WASTE YOUR LIFE on him it doesn't get better. Read all these posts. I know you will be able to find love. I wish I would have known about this site 15 yrs. ago. I was so naive about porn addiction and now I am 54 yrs. old. Don't let your kids live a life like this!

Hits too close to home for me
by: Anonymous

Wow! Hate to say it, but I feel a sense of relief that I am NOT going crazy. I too am experiencing many of these same issues you all are. He has an alcohol problem that just makes it all that much worse. We have now been married for 16 years. For the first 12, I just had a gut instinct that something was not right. The lies, the manipulation, the excuses on and on. I finally did the math. Something just didn't add up with what he was saying. Spent 4 years researching the internet with all that was happening and discovered that he had a personality disorder.

About a year ago I discovered that he had placed a passcode on his cell phone. I questioned him on this only to have him lie to me that it was because his coworkers were getting into his phone. I fell for it. Then one day the ding goes off on his phone and I read the name of his coworker. A young girl 30 years his junior and the boss's daughter. I questioned him again and he held his phone so I could not read what he was writing to her. I warned him that his behavior was very inappropriate and that it could cause him to lose his job.

I thought he stopped but it only continued after the passcode came off for a week or two to appease me. A week ago I accidentally saw his phone he forget to take with him. If you want to get past that passcode ladies, just keep a watchful eye when they least expect it. You rattle their cage and they get careless. He did and I saw his passcode. Never said a thing. Now I am taking pictures of all his texts EVERY single evening as proof while he is sleeping. Maybe a bit of an invasion of privacy but that SOB will see what KARMA is all about when I get done with him. No respect, lost all my trust and this is what I live with? I deserve so much better. His porn addiction, explicit sexual language to a 20-year old whose name is always getting changed in the contact list to throw me off is disgusting. When he gets upset with me his recent phone call list is filled with women's names.

Ladies, learn more about how to access his phone. They leave a trail. His way or the highway as he says. Wrong buddy, now it's MY turn. BYE-BYE! Stay strong you can do this and nail that SOB for lack of respect and trust.

Hard to believe...
by: MomOf3_Agh

So here I sit in my bathroom at almost 2 am. Finally got all 3 of our children to sleep two girls and one boy ages 2, 4, and 7. I have been married for almost 10 years and I am 29 years old. So I have been neglected mentally and emotionally now for years. My husband (since that's what he's called) doesn't feel like he's anything more than a roommate. He literally lays in his bed all day and night on his phone. I would be laying in what was our bed and could just feel that disgusting feeling in my heart knowing he was watching p-rn, even though he is always too tired to do anything at all around our home or with our children. I got the courage to look on his chrome past search history etc. and found all kinds of p-rn use.

Now I haven't had intimacy in months and it just makes me mad and hurts horribly. I worked so hard to get my body to where it is now. I am 145 lbs. and 5"11. I always have people tell me, oh you’re so beautiful or have men flirting with me, but my own husband doesn't even touch me.

I happened to see the same video repeatedly and as soon as I clicked to see what it was I was beyond disgusted. A few months prior to this he had shown me a small clip and was basically asking me if I would try what the woman in the video was doing. No one can tell me that men don't fantasize that they are performing those acts on these women while they are pleasuring themselves, while their wife and children are in the other room. I guarantee had I tried the act in his mind, he would be trying to imagine me as her.

He is now so disrespectful to me to the point I don't want to continue in this marriage. But considering I'm a stay at home mom to 3 young children, I don't have any money or anywhere to even go. I feel so disgusted just looking at him because I keep seeing the videos that he obsessively watched and the things he searched for.

I'm mad that I wasted so much of my life on him, only to be just unloved and uncared for and tossed away. I don't know what to do anymore, but emotionally and mentally I feel like I'm breaking down. :-( He acts like it’s not a big deal when he knows the issues from our past. And I even wholeheartedly crying told him that it made me feel like I wasn't good enough, yet he still continued watching and thought he was hiding it better. I'm not trying to brag myself up, but I'm not an ugly woman and to know he would rather watch that filth than have sex with me has broken my heart and changed who I am inside.

Oh, he promises to stop looking at it but it’s Deja vu because we have been here before. I wish I had some women going through the same things to talk to. I need some encouragement because I want to be happy and to someday find a man who accepts me for who I am and chooses me over p-rn. Men have no clue how bad they are damaging their family by being selfish and neglectful. I'm not a cheater but I'm almost to the point of finding someone who actually wants to fool around with me. My love language is physical touch and he never touches me and is hardly even in the same room. If I had the money I'd leave and start a new life for my children and because we all deserve better than this.

Not Alone
by: Anonymous

I am 64 years old and my partner is 58. (I am a youthful 64!)

We have lived together for 6 1/2 years. Within a month or two of living together, I discovered he was looking at porn on my laptop. I confronted him and he promised not to do it again. Ha-ha. Of course, he did and that is when I should have kicked him out.

After only a few months of being together, he lost interest in sex with me and used excuses of getting older, etc. I am 6 years older than him and I did not want to give up sex.

Of course, he was still using porn for his sexual satisfaction. After 3 years together, and no sex at all for 2 of those years, we moved to another city so that he could start a business. Right after we moved, I discovered he was soliciting sex on Craig's List. He cried and begged and I said he needed to go to counseling or I was gone. He went to counselling but nothing changed. I do believe he had women in our home and bed from Craig's List. I confronted him but of course, he denied it. When the bedspread was on the bed backward, it was because the cat had vomited on it and he had to take it off the bed to clean it. Yeah right!

So here I sit, 6 and a half years in, with no sex for 5 and a half years. He is very kind and thoughtful in other ways and we do not speak of his activities/addiction.

I plan to leave; there is no changing these men no matter what they or anyone else tells you.

I have gained 40 lbs. as he has made me feel ugly due to his rejection. I am very happy to have found this site. We all deserve better!

Am I crazy?
by: Anonymous

After 18 years of marriage, I discovered that my husband is addicted to p*rn. Although he says he has never cheated on me and uses these other things to release stress, I feel very uncomfortable with the whole thing. He says he does not have any complaints about me, there is a difference in how he feels with p*rnography as compared to making love to me. When I confront him he tells me that it has always been like that, I just didn't discover it before, so "what does it matter, we have been happy right?"

He has been a great husband. I thought I knew him, but he has a dark side, like every human being I guess. I am no one to criticize and yet, it is so painful. All of this got discovered when I realized he was having issues with Alcohol and chatting with a woman over WhatsApp. He got so scared when I caught him that he paralyzed in fear and instead of clarifying what was happening (alcoholism), he deleted all the conversations and protected her by not wanting to make a call in front of me to tell her their friendship was over.

I gave him/us a Chance, we worked on rebuilding trust very hard. Just 2 months afterward I find out he’s watched this filth almost daily for years, because simply "he likes it". I feel my world has gone upside down. I have looked for help, read articles to learn, to open my mind but it still hurts so much...I can't get over it...I feel contaminated...all I have in my head are these images (although I asked him several times to watch it with me, he also said no because it was embarrassing to him), lies, secrecy...

Am I crazy? Am I exaggerating? Am I going to break my family and marriage because of this? In my eyes, he lost my respect, and when respect is gone, love fades slowly...He says that he loves me.

It's hard
by: Anonymous

I’ve read all the comments and their stories are so much like mine. Like the last comment in which the lady said the church said to forgive her husband. My church used to tell me to treat my husband like Jesus would and that I am here to save him. All that did was make me feel like I had to stay with him. And I also gave up everything for him and I don’t have a career either. So I feel stuck. I play the lottery all the time and pray that I hit it just to get me out of this mess. That’s the only reason I am here! If any of you can get out, don’t stay for love. Because it doesn’t get better. They don't change. It's a sick disease.

Leave now
by: Anonymous

It doesn't get better. I married him at 18. Found out about his addiction at 30. He'd had it since he was about 12. I always knew something was wrong, but I thought it was me. I stayed and had kids with him because I was in church, and they seem to put so much pressure to forgive, stay married, help him, etc. But he never changed. He cried, he went to counseling, he went through programs, but always went back to it. It destroyed me. I finally quit sleeping with him 3 years ago because it had been making me physically sick for years. Now I'm 58, no career because I raised the kids, but I have one adult child who's suicidal and moved back home, so I had to quit school and can't chance putting him through a divorce right now. The others have things like OCD, anxiety, learning disabilities, I believe from the stress I had while pregnant. He was never a molester, but living with an addict drove me crazy, and it affected the kids. Leave while you're young, you can work to support yourself, and you're not destroyed. He needs to fix himself, and you are not called (or able) to save him. Your kids having a healthy mom is way more important than having a dad just to have one. I still hope to leave someday. I want to have a few years of happiness before I die.

Sad
by: Anonymous

I live in a silent hell. I’ve been married for 14 years and always knew something was wrong but just couldn't put my finger on it. He was in the military and was gone a lot, so I didn't catch it right away. After he retired we had already been married 10yrs. That's when I kept catching him on the internet and sneaking laptops I had no idea he had bought!! Or if I leave and forget something and have to come home quick, I’ll catch him. Then I found he was using a different address and had a credit card and was buying this filth on the internet, buying DVDs… it just goes on and on.

We are still married. We have gone to counseling but it never helped. We haven't slept together for 10yrs now. We are basically roommates. We don't have kids together. He is my second marriage. He makes all the money, owns the house, and carries the insurance. At this point I am numb. I pray to God every day to take me out of this pain because I’m not happy. I don't know what to do. I try to talk to him but he just gets mad and says he is not looking at it. I know he is. They view women so poorly looking at this junk. I ask him why he didn't just tell me he was addicted to it! I left my first husband because he was an addict to pot. Now another addiction and it's hard to talk about this one!

Leanna, I love your story - thank you
by: Anonymous

Go, Leanna!! I love that you're in a place of getting to know you. And I am glad that you no longer feel guilt, as this was never your fault.

Your children are so lucky to have you - you teach them to respect themselves and you teach them to respect others. That's what this all boils down to.

How can a human teach others to respect when they don't respect themselves?

I hope things keep getting better. Take care. xo



Taking back your life. Bury the past and change what you can
by: Leanna

This is my 3rd post and now I’m ready to say my name is Leanna. I’ve been married for 35 years. I have finally come to terms with the fact that the first 30 yrs. we’re just a lie. The only thing that was pure and true were the 2 births and raising of our two beautiful children who are both successful.

I’ve learned to stop blaming myself, being ashamed and quiet.

I have come clean with all 7 of my siblings, which has been the best thing ever because I have my support system back. "AWESOME!" One of the worst things we do is to not confide in our family. For me, I didn’t want to lie, so instead, I stopped communicating with them. It was a bad decision, but at the time I was so full of shame, which is complete BS! I finally realized I needed to put myself first. Why not? He’s been selfish the whole time and continues to be. So I’m hiking, eating real food, and sticking up for myself. Gone are the days of being threatened about leaving, because I’m not scared to be alone. When there’s no intimacy, you’re pretty much living alone already.

Every chance I get I tell both my kids to remember one another, respect your relationships, be truthful, loving and build intimacy every day. I still have bad moments but they are getting less and less.

I also have come to terms with the fact that my husband is a liar and he will never change. Of course, he’s always bragging about how he’s changed, but the truth is I cut access to all adult sites on his phone, iPad, iPod, and TV. But you know, there is always the daily pathetic easy women who think their value is in their looks walking among us. So I pretty much don’t go anywhere with him because frankly, it’s embarrassing the way he acts like he’s in heat. I’m sure you all know what I mean.

I finally took off my wedding ring because it was a constant reminder of my failed marriage. So its baby steps for me. I’m choosing to stay, but not choosing verbal abuse. He still tries to pull his BS, but I shut it down. Yeah, I still have bad days (not going to lie), but all I have to do is get myself up on a mountain for a hike. It’s amazing what exercise does for you; all the happy feel-good hormones (that you got to say is sometimes better than sex).

I mean really, you all know how cruddy it is to be with a person who views women as T&A only. There’s no foreplay or attention on you, it’s all about that 3 min lack of self-control for him. And after a while it a no brainer; do I really want to spend another day frustrated or get out and hike? Well, that's where I’m at this moment, pretty much learning to get to know this person I am all over again. And yes, there have been many thoughts of what did I ever see in him?

I’m praying every day for my heart to heal 😩

I still don't know what to do...
by: Anonymous

For 17 years, I have been lied to, and I look back and wonder and reflect on a life that I wasn't living because it was not real. I am in a situation that I never thought I would be in - I had not thought that the man I married would lie to me, but also gaslight me. He lied about his use of p*rnography, saying that he never looked at it. He lied to me about our finances; he put us in debt over half a million AUD (sharemarket). I knew nothing about the share trading. It was all done behind my back. And he lied to me about getting himself off next to his daughter. My daughter came to me and told me what she had seen daddy doing - he denied it and made something up. It took a lie detector test for all to be revealed. He had done this next to his daughter close to 30 times.

On top of all this, there are so many other things that go with his story of lies and betrayal.

I feel weighed down. I feel let down. And I feel sorry for my beautiful children because they do not get the chance to explore a wonderful sense of family life - why? Because their mother cannot stand to be with this lying human.

At the end of the day, it's the children who suffer most from this, and it's the children that we need to protect.

Children are sex-trafficked because of the p*rnography industry; every click is generating more and more abuse. Please if you have an addiction, fight hard to overcome it because you are better than that. And if you are in a relationship, please think of the children and what's best for them. I know it's not easy. The objectification of women, men and children is dehumanizing.

Please keep writing on this forum and share your stories. I wrote here over a year ago and have read every post since. I would love to hear how everyone is going and where their stories are at.

P*rn is Evil
by: Anonymous

Men have to want to quit. I have been trying to quit this since March, go a few days without it and then relapse. It's been the same battle over and over again. It's like I become mindless and unable to control myself. I also suffer from severe depression and anxiety, and on bad mental days, the urges are much worse. Brain scans show a change in the brains of p*rn addicts, similar to brains of drug addicts. I am not going to give up trying to quit though. I never thought I would be an addict or thought I could lose control of myself like this. I always wondered why alcoholics couldn't just stop and now I know. It's pretty much the same thing.

The brains of p*rn addicts have been rewired. Depending on how long they've been watching, it may not be as simple as just turning it off. I have experiences physical withdrawal symptoms when going off of it for a week. My brain has become used to the chemicals, dopamine, and hormones produced by this addiction. But I will keep fighting until I win. I cry in bed many nights thinking about how I can't stop. But I DO WANT to stop and am working towards it. I have joined some support groups and talking to other addicts has helped. This is also caused by depression issues and hatred I have always had for myself and how I have been treated by others. If your husbands are watching p*rn and addicted, they HAVE TO work towards quitting. There is no other solution. It sucks the life out of people, relationships, everything. They need to admit they have a problem and that p*rn is evil. Denial is not going to help the family.

13 months
by: Anonymous

If you have only been married 13 months I know it’s going to hurt but. Do you want your whole life ruined? Cause read all these posts. It doesn’t get better! There no cure for this. They hide it, they get sneakier. We all have computers or phones, and even if you got rid of internet access, they would find ways of getting photos or DVDs. It's a sick disease.

Like banging my head on concrete daily.
by: A damn fool

I have only been married for 13 months. I just recently discovered my husband's internet obsession. The worst part is the lies. He says his buddy used his account, but it's his info and his mysterious email address I just discovered. He watches porn but he also signs up for numerous cheating and dating sites. I thought it began during our separation 5 months ago but I just found a profile he created 3 months after our marriage. If I question him he gets furious and just lies and then brings other people in, like his so-called allies who will say it was them. If it was me doing this he would definitely kill me. He expects loyalty and respect yet gives none. This is hands down the most painful experience of my life I have no one to turn too nowhere to go.

I lied and now I truly regret it
by: Anonymous

I have read through the posts and I’m heartbroken. I’m in the same situation, I have been using porn since puberty. My girlfriend and I have been together for three years now. She found out in my cellphone and in my browser history that I’ve been looking for porn images. She explained to me that she felt betrayed by this and I apologized every single time it happened. I’ve promised to never do it again, but I fail. I really love her and it makes me feel so bad when it happens. I didn’t have the will-power to stop once I’m on it. That was when I realized that I could have some porn addiction. Now I feel that I can’t regain her trust. I don’t want her to leave me, but I won’t blame her if she did. I accept my mistake and I’m fully committed to finding help to quit it. I just hope that is not too late, that she doesn’t leave me, and that we could go through this together. I truly desire to stop it and I’m open to doing everything possible such as accountability software, counseling, and everything that takes to stop this and help me to be a better person for her.

I just don't understand it
by: Anonymous

I read these comments and it just makes me mad and sad. My husband goes to work, comes home, goes to his room cause we don't sleep together anymore, and he on his phone the rest of the night. He acts like he can't stand me. I pray to God every day for help and nothing has changed. Does he really like this kind of life? I just don't understand it. Women on the internet he will never meet. He is willing to give up his family for this? He should be ashamed of it.

If I start digging and show him that I know he is still looking at porn, he will say he stopped or he will until I get the energy to prove him wrong again. This been going on for 14 years. I just give up now. I just want to know why, if you men know you're addicted, would you even get married and ruin someone else’s life?

Addiction
by: Anonymous

Porn use can be a horrible addiction just like drugs or alcohol can be. I am a man who has suffered from this addiction for so many years, even before getting married. I have tried and tried to stop but have relapsed. I am currently on a new journey of healing. When I watch porn I get no enjoyment out of it. I hate it, but it can become an addiction and compulsion that cannot be stopped. While I'm watching I cry out to God to please help me stop, but I lose all control of my mind. I also have a lot of shame. But like with any addiction, one must be willing to admit they have a problem and put in the effort to quit. I'm in a porn addiction support group now and have found it helpful. If your husbands are continuously using porn, odds are they are addicted, even if they don't admit it to themselves - like an alcoholic! They need therapy and to really figure out why they are doing this and a commitment to stop.

He doesn’t need me so why not just go
by: Patty

I am married to a porn addict. I had no idea he was addicted to internet porn when we got married 14yrs ago. The sex was only about once a week back then and I was 40. I am 54 now and haven’t had sex in 8 yrs. He doesn't do it in front of me (he still in denial). He tells me he’s not looking at it, but I caught him time and time again. What does a person do when you have your whole life with someone and they chose to do this? I feel so alone. I can’t talk to my family about this. We’ve gone to counselors. He is the breadwinner of the family. I feel like, why did he even marry me if he knew he was addicted to porn. He doesn’t even have sex with me, so why am I here? I tell him he doesn’t need me so why not just go!

Run
by: Patty

All I can say is my story is just like all yours. If you can, run as fast as you can! It only gets worse! And start your life over!

She left because of my addiction
by: Anonymous

Yes, the tittle says everything. We were married and I was lucky to meet her as she helped me leave the third world country where I was stuck. We got married and lived happily for the first months, but then her mother gave me a computer as a gift. I was planning to have a YouTube channel and start working from home. I started again calling girls over skype and having that hidden pleasure and not telling her anything about it. I was passive aggressive whenever there was a problem. Even small arguments meant I would the house and I leave her alone. I was stuck in my misery and I am stuck now again. Sometimes I feel like the only way to feel free from that is to end my life. I live now with my religious parents back in a third world country. All my dreams of finding a good job and having a family and a lovely wife have disappeared in front of my eyes and I’m not able to change it.

I am a virtual sex addict. When I was dating my ex-wife long distance, she loved the way I was interested in her and wanting to see her. But she was over my screen and once I was with her in real life, I could only handle it a few months before but I went back to my old ways again. I deserve to live lonely until I die lonely in my grave. I hope God will take me and forgive me for what I have done. But I want to die without pain because I have lived with too much of it.

Porn and lack of respect
by: pmw

So ladies, how do we deal with this? How do we go on? Our self-respect is shot, we are SO humiliated-- I re-read my posts and read everyone's responses-- I feel so much better knowing I am not alone, so SO sad that others are going thru it---but still I ask, now what? I actually did tell my sister during a super bad period of time, and she was shocked and now avoids me as she doesn't know what to do to help--telling her that just her knowing and listening helps, turns out to be just too much for her--so going to anyone else would be the same or worse-- My problems ARE my problems---I can't fault my sis for not wanting to deal with such a mess---so, do we just continue to wallow in our misery? Does anyone have any realistic answers?

It can be conquered...
by: You can....

Keep reading all the posts... Look at all the common denominators. What gives? Same story over and over. The porn they have today has subliminal messages for them to keep coming back, that’s just the beginning. I have a whole lot to say about it. One thing I want to say is that it can be conquered!!!! Ladies, you’re going to need to put on thick skin and be ready to battle the devil himself. You don’t have time to waste.

How do I know this!? Because we conquered it!!! I was just like all the other wife’s on here except I didn’t back down. I took the bull by the horns and went charging in... You’ll never get that time back, but you can make your future completely different. You are all strong lovable woman with value. Mine was addicted for years!! He’s free of all of it! Porn is the gateway for much more deviant behavior. When it gets old, they need more and much more disgusting until they start living it. Hence, the hookers, massage parlors, random hookups, you name it.

Let me say it again it can be conquered, but get ready for the battle. I’ll post more if anyone is interested. To start I’ll say this, take away the source. That means unplug your TV, get him a flip phone and absolutely no internet (not even to look at normal news). Get him out of electronics and back into real life. Explain this is the start and if you want to have a future, it starts now... and don’t break for 60 days... no electronics...

I will say if he’s not willing to do this or if he is physically abusive... you need to leave. Get out and don’t look back...

Same lame lies... same excuses...
by: Anonymous

I’m shocked by all these stories... I’m in a similar situation. We got together 20 years ago. I was young and naive I guess... When I first found the porn I felt sick to my stomach, angry, crying and upset. I lived many miles from family and was very homesick. Then the promises started; "I’ll never do it again, I’m sorry, bla bla bla."

It was around this time I started overeating and drinking too much. I put on a few pounds very quickly and lived in a cycle of catching him or afraid to leave the house knowing he would be at it. I would search everywhere, find stuff, argue, cry, and not speak for weeks... Then more overeating and more wine to numb all the nonsense around me... All the while never being able to tell anyone out of embarrassment & some stupid sense of loyalty. That said, where is his loyalty?? So I could never open up about it...

In order to get head peace, I stopped looking. It’s easy sometimes to turn the other way and pretend. Then something else happened... it’s been a long time and I kind of hoped it was all done. But this is something else he is taking to another level that could affect his job. I’m done having sex with this man. His cheap thrills and always chasing the next Big O means more to him than me. How can you carry on loving someone who repeatedly lies and has no respect for himself or his wife? The sex industry, internet, and magazines have a lot to answer for... Sometimes I joke in the next life I’m definitely coming back as a man as it’s an easier time for them... But actually NO thanks... I couldn’t think of anything worse! Marriages & relationships in the future I think the majority will have issues and many will be doomed before they even get started. It’s sad... Really sad.

Hate the secrets
by: Anonymous

I have so many concerns, my husband watching porn for at least an hour a day in the bathroom that I know of. Every device he uses has a password on it. I have found evidence in the past of him contacting escorts and looking up women on Craigslist. I confronted him with these things in the past and he told me he was just curious. He told me he thought he did have an addiction to porn and was going to work on it. I have no idea if it’s better or if he’s just better at hiding it but I definitely know that every day he looks at least an hour in the bathroom right outside the kitchen. I just don’t know if this is normal behavior. I hate knowing we been married for so many years and this is still going on.

Bizarre Behavior
by: AnonymDenise Howardous

I am 60 years old my husband is 67 and he’s been addicted to p*rn for years. If I had known, I would never have married him (we’ve been married 32 years). We haven't been intimate since I was in my late 40's. He told me he did not want to have sex with me and it really hurt me. He buys hundreds of risqué books. But lately he’s been acting strange. I went under his mattress and looked in one of his books and a sandwich bag felled out of it. I was so shocked to see in the sandwich bag were photos of my family, pictures with the head only. He had pictures of my two daughters when they were young in there, my sister and 2 cousins, a friend of the family. It is so bizarre that it’s only pictures of their heads. I almost had a nervous breakdown. I told him I am done with him. Praying he finds him a place soon. I can't trust him anymore and I do not love him anymore. Don’t put my family or kids in your books with only their heads in a plastic bag. What is he doing with the photos of my family? He's so mean now. I can't even talk to him at all.

Living a life with a porn addict
by: Anonymous

I have no answer!! Porn has been part of my husband's life my entire marriage!! I am stuck, I am just the depository!! He fantasizes with me and only uses me as the depository!!!!!!!! I feel empty and lonely! No gifts and fake affection can fulfill me anymore.

26 weeks pregnant
by: Anonymous

I've had problems before in our relationship... With porn. Never thought it was this bad. I actually track it back almost every day since I've. Pregnant. This pregnancy has been super hard, overwhelming and I've been so sick... I work 40 hours and we have 2 young boys... Today I caught him after I had walked out the door for work because I forgot my key's. I'm mostly upset because time after time I ask him not to watch it... He deletes history all the time. Only watches one type of porn, makes me feel very insecure. We've had problems before in our relationship... With porn. Never thought it was this bad. I actually tracked it back and it’s almost every day since I've gotten pregnant. This pregnancy has been super hard, overwhelming and I've been so sick... I work 40 hours and we have 2 young boys... Today I caught him after I had walked out the door for work because I forgot my keys. I'm mostly upset because time after time I ask him not to watch it... He deletes history all the time. He only watches one type of porn and it makes me feel very insecure. I just found all the porn on his phone. I just worked an 8 hour day, everything hurts and of course, the house is a disaster... But he still had time to watch porn twice today. And he watches it before every shower... I'm so done. It’s not ok. I just found all the porn on his phone. Just work an 8 hour day, my everything hurts and of course, the house is a disaster... But he still had time to watch porn twice today. And watches it before every shower... I'm so done. It isn't ok

RE: Husband won't discuss it and says I'm emotionally abusive
by: Anonymous in MN

Deborah, so sorry to read what you are/were going through. I could have written this post. I’ve given up trying to communicate with someone who yells and slams doors and walks away when I bring up ANYTHING. He was downloading "free" adult content (a lot), but I know he is also sending money to some of these sites. He’s in debt and never has money for home repairs, etc. We do have separate bank accounts and credit cards but I’m worried I’ll be sucked into his debt. I found out years ago he spent a ton of money at on exotic dancers getting lap dances. I was shocked, to say the least. God knows what else he has done. Nothing but lies. There is no trust, no intimacy, and no communication. Just trying to be calm and not engage in the yelling and screaming, knowing at some point I will leave. Difficult right now with no steady income. You are not alone. Stay strong.

Just found out
by: Anonymous

I had a gut feeling to check what my husband of 24 years had been spending all his time on in the office. I checked his browser history and found that he was looking at porn. Ok. I get it. It is not something new to us. We honestly used to watch it together sometimes to spice up our sex life. I am chronically ill and our sex life has been put on the back burner. I understand his needs and desires for sex, but I come to find out that he has been paying for an online service. Not only that but for the last 3 years. I confronted him and he shamefully admitted He has been addicted since age 14. He promises me that this is the only thing he has kept from me. He has been my rock through my illness and is a good person. I love him more than anything and I know truly he loves me. He says it’s not about me and wanting me. He says he’s addicted. He deleted the site and subscription. I pray that he will change but I am terrified he can’t get past this. We are planning on going to counseling. I love him. I don’t want to see our marriage end because of this but how can I believe him?

Lying for 10 years
by: Tired of worrying

My husband and I are a fairly young couple and when I first found out about his addiction I was too young to understand the depths of porn addiction. We are both in our early 30’s. We have four kids and been together for almost 10 years (married for nearly 5). He still desires me, tells me I’m beautiful and wants sex frequently. I just can’t deal with the fact that he spends hours watching porn. It has also led him to cheat on me physically a couple of times. He knows it’s an issue and says he wants to stop but doesn’t know how. I really love him and want to stay married but not at the expense of only having my husband’s affection part-time. I can tell when he actively looking at porn because he is not the same thing towards me emotionally. The lies and broken promises to quit has just become more than I can bear. I want out! I just hope I have the strength to walk away...

RE: Too old to deal with it
by: Anonymous

It hurts so bad, doesn't it? While we have spent our entire life investing in this life/relationship, now what? All of our dreams and hope have been destroyed. Right when we should be at the stage of saying 'ahhhh'--and sitting on the deck with a glass of wine while the sun sets---and here we are, too scared to even get out of bed and face the next betrayal. My heart breaks for you. I can offer no advice, as I am where you are. All I can say is YOU are not alone. I wonder how many of us are out there.

Too old to deal with it!
by: Anonymous in MN

It’s truly heartbreaking reading all of these posts. I will be 61 years old next month. I’ve been married for 38 years. Husband is 63. He has been addicted to porn probably since the beginning, but things have become unbearable these last few years. He can’t "perform" anymore (blames it on his age) yet he downloads porn and has stacks of porn DVDs and thousands of images. He was on a dating site several years ago. He’s bald, overweight and broke, but spends money on porn while I pay all the bills. And constantly lies about it. I’m having trouble finding work as a graphic artist so I can’t afford to leave. Will probably retire next year. I really don’t want to give up my home but I have no choice. He’s mentally unstable and I fear what he might do if I leave. I feel miserable and stuck. I have no desire to be in another relationship but I am terribly lonely.

This is no way to live. There is no trust. No love. No hope. I’m so tired of this. How you did deal with it? I have nobody to talk to.

Husband won't discuss it and says I'm emotionally abusive
by: Deborah

I had found three videos on the Fire that he uses daily. At first, it looks like nothing but after I click on Page 2 it's all free porn. When I stated something about it to my husband, he started telling me that I lie and that I am emotionally abusing him. He yells and screams emotional abuse every time now. Today I told him to sit down and that we needed to discuss our marriage of 26 years and decide what we are going to do. I told him that under the circumstances, I felt that we should divorce as he was never going to stop with the porn, sexless marriage, and how his personality had changed. He would not sit down and yelled that I was emotionally abusing him. So, as of today, I can't even discuss divorce. I don't tell lies and don't make things up so I don't know what he is talking about. He then proceeds to find a project outside. Nothing ever gets resolved and I am tired, lonely and feel that I am by myself on everything. When we went to the soccer game, he ogled and gawked at this one young woman for a good 30 mins. Yes, I had timed it. It was a constant looking at this woman and every time she had moved. I was told that I was making this up but guess what, I won't be going to any more soccer games with him acting that way.

Too old to deal with it!
by: Anonymous

I'm 65 and husband is 68 and we’ve been married for 47 and a half years. Both of us are retired and I WAS hoping for a wonderful retirement. Nope, I guess this has been going on for many years. About 3 months ago, somehow our computers got synced and I was getting popups from the notification screen from girls with nothing on asking my hubby to text them. So like any normal wife, I started investigating things.

Well, the husband has been very busy, embedding and zipping pictures and videos and of course DENYING EVERYTHING. He then got angry and called me horrible names. He told me he was sick of me and I was the reason our marriage is going to end. He has had a heart condition so for many and I mean many years (which means he can't get hard).

He told me no more, reset the phone, reformatted computer. He also purchased a new computer and has apps on his phone that hide special stuff. He has pushed me and his kids and grandkids away and doesn't want anything to do with us. Valentine’s Day he placed a card, flowers, and candy on the counter and said happy Valentine’s Day. I had to ask him to hug or kiss me and he instantly got mad. I have no trust in him. Had put on 2 tv's YouTube so he can stream the sites he goes to. The list goes on and on I need some help and advice.

The Sink
by: Anonymous

You know that feeling when you first discover your husband’s addiction. Your stomach literally drops, you shake, and you are consumed by a rage so deep you practically black out. Discovering my husband’s porn addiction devastated me and shattered my heart. But, if we are all honest with ourselves, there were probably obvious warning signs along the way. The most accurate way to describe the betrayal, for me at least, is a hurt so deep that it is all-consuming. It is literal Hell on Earth.

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and together for about 9. We have 2 sons- a toddler and a 7th-month-old. We were friends first (although I had the biggest crush on him 😂) He was funny, smart, handsome, instantly likable, and charming. The first experience with his hidden life happened around Christmas 4 years ago. I turned on my laptop and discovered he had been watching videos of the Victoria Secret Fashion Show models run around backstage in lingerie. I truly believed my husband was unique and didn’t watch porn. Because he told me he didn’t and I believed him.

The great unleashing of truth via his browser history was probably the worst day of my life. I knew something was up. I kept finding strange cookie and cache files on his computer. I became the ultimate detective, wondering where he was going when he left angry and claimed he sat in a parking lot to think. I would sneak on the computer when he went to the bathroom but everything was always deleted. 3 years ago - I saw everything. I took screenshots. My heart broke. When he came back I confronted him and he acted like I was the craziest person in the world. That I was insane. Thank God I had experience with gas lighting from my mom who always chose me as her target. If you’re not careful you start to believe their garbage. He denied, denied, denied. When he finally confessed that ‘some’ of the files were his, he immediately blamed me for stressing him out.

That night became one of the first times I saw him as an abuser. Normally he was happy-go-lucky; well as long as things were on his terms and he was reaping the most benefits. He screamed, punched walls, cried. I left for a day or 2 but went right back to him. I wanted him to show he loved me and not some porn star. I wondered how I measured up in his eyes. If I was physically desirable to him then he wouldn’t be watching porn nonstop. I wanted to die and I tortured myself with continued detective work- I wanted to know what he watched. What sorts of girls he was attracted to. This was not curiosity. It was self-sabotage.

A year later and I was still playing detective, except now I am engulfed in my own addictions for alcohol/drug use, staying up all night searching his phone and computer for anything and everything. A few months later, we are engaged. I remember it feeling bittersweet. Every time I looked at him, all I saw was a lying porn addict. Our wedding day appeared happy to others I’m sure but we basically couldn’t stand each other. We danced to the song that reminded us of ‘us’ and I felt nothing.

That year still makes me sick- I truly thought I would die. I wanted to. He agreed to let me see his phone when I wanted and I never found anything obvious there. However, I had become so skilled at computers that I had uncovered deleted internet history.

One night after going alone to a bar, he confesses. I am somewhat relieved but he does not fully disclose. He says he’s stopped all porn since the previous year. To receive bits of the true story is a living nightmare. Each time he shares he feels relief, a burden lifted. For the wife, it is like reliving the initial discovery all over again.

We’re still together but often times we barely speak. Things will trigger me and he will say with annoyance ‘you need to stop bringing up the past and focus on the present.’ But what if his past is my present? He was well aware of his addiction but it was still news to me. The icing on the cake was when I found out he was frequenting adult boutiques and watching porn in the viewing booths. I used to think of those places as comical- like who actually goes there? I read some reviews of the place he went and the mental images infuriated while saddening me. I hate that he went there. I hate that he lost the WEDDING RING I gave him there. He admitted to taking it off before going in. I always wonder if he meant to look like a single man for a reason. I always wonder if he physically cheated.

I wrote a lot but needed to get things off my chest. It’s rare to find a friend who really gets it. The anxiety. The PTSD. The inability to believe that ‘boys will be boys’ and that porn is ‘normal’.

Right now I’m really struggling with my self-esteem. I had a baby in August and I’m still completely out of shape. He rarely initiates sex and only when and we will go long periods without having it. He doesn’t tell me I’m beautiful or catch my glance across the room at a party like he used to. Porn has become his idol and he is selfish, accusatory, and distant from me. He says he’s stopped but I don’t believe him. It’s said that porn addiction is processed the same as cheating but often more damaging. Instead of meeting real women, your husband has basically brought hundreds, even thousands, into your bed and his thoughts. I obsess over what he thinks about when we are intimate. I don’t know what will happen with us but I think I’ll always wonder if he thinks I’m enough. Despite the fact that research says that it is never the wife’s fault, I can’t help but feel less than and wish my husband chose me. We have both agreed that if it wasn’t for our kids we wouldn’t have stayed together.

I wrote a novel and it hasn’t even skimmed the surface of pain. The Sink might never go away.

Lack of respect
by: Anonymous

I don't seem to find anyone who shares my hell---my husband is also addicted to porn, however, it only makes him want to have sex all the time, and then he belittles me that I don't do it like the porn shows---While in the middle of sex--- there is absolutely no lovemaking or equal satisfaction. It is just me servicing him-- and he constantly criticizes how he would prefer this or that, that I am too weak of a woman because I let him get away with this or that. Once I was so sweaty from cleaning all day, and then I discovered he had been watching porn all day, he announced he wanted sex and now--then proceeded to criticize the look on my face--which I am sure showed absolute horror and disgust--yet he still turned it around that I should feel honored that my husband wanted me to service him----how the hell do I get out of this??? I seriously NEVER want to have sex again--but I am also 63, retired, and everything that we own is in his name--married only 6 years, and he has everything changed to his name only, and hides all financial stuff--- dude totally screwed me

Can't get an answer in Therapy?
by: Anonymous

Where to begin? The question is, does the content of p-rn matter? I found my 63 yr. old husband watching teenage girls seemed to be a big interest for him. He's very introverted and I had no idea he was addicted to this filth or even liked it? I found it on his computer. We have been together for 10 years. Sex never was good with him, but I just thought he was shy and very Christian and inexperienced. There was no intimacy after the first 6 months. I felt he just had a physical problem. He is 8 years older than me. The rest of our life was pretty good. I'm very social, worked, had my women group, great friends, huge family. 7 years in I had breast cancer. It left me disabled to work from chemo and radiation. He received a promotion so I moved with him.

He was emotionally abusive and as soon as we moved it started. I discovered his Extreme addiction and that he had been this way for over 50 years! I only know that as it came out in therapy. He is also a compulsive liar, not just about this addiction, but about everything and told the therapist this in front of me. Said he had been doing it all his life. WOW was I in shock? We went to therapy the day after I discovered his nasty habit as he begged me to stay. She said I had PTSD.

My security and self-esteem went right to hell. It was already rough after breast cancer. I used to feel very confident in the way I looked. The Therapist had him get a new computer when we started and told him to make sure the old one was wiped clean. I have another old one hidden.

Why do they do that? I'm more upset a year later that he gets off to the innocent woman at his office. The young girls would be so disgusted to know after they have had a meeting with him at work. Also, the men who view him as a friend. Their wives and daughters. I feel he may have targeted me in the beginning because I had young girls? I know he is too afraid of real women to act. Maybe? It does escalate and did make it into his workplace.

But when to keep silent? To my friends, his friend his work? I was really worried he was grooming a very young woman he worked with. He did have an emotional crush on her and admitted in therapy he would self-satisfy himself after she left his office. This to me is abuse of power. I caught him doing the same thing to one of my best friends. HIS best friend’s wife. I asked why he would disrespect his best friend. He said he did this to all his friend’s wives and daughters (he looks them up on FB.) They are not even sexual pictures of these people. He said his friend’s wife was because he was really mad at her. I knew he didn’t like her. That was way scarier than if he'd have said because I think she's hot!

He is weird about his mother in a hateful way. He hates women and obviously wants to punish them by pretending to abuse them sexually! He talks down to his mother. I hate it. He was single for 19 years when I met him. He was great to my family and to me, except romantically. But the rest was enough until we moved away from all my family and friends. I could tell soon that he resented me for not bringing home money. Our therapist told him he was an emotional bully.

I'm done with the relationship and we are just wrapping up the final paperwork. Since he brought me here we bought a home. A cohabitation agreement was suggested by the Therapist for my protection, in it he will keep paying for my living expenses and when we sell I will receive 70% percent of profit. He did empty my savings account without me knowing and took advantage of a woman with cancer.

Our counselor told me after a few sessions that more than likely he would not be able to ever stop. So I could accept it or move on. Then later, as I found out more, was worried and told me to plan. She felt he could kill me in a rage. He has never hit me. But he hates me because I now know what he does at work. He has an extra phone now for his his nasty habit. I feel obligated to protect the people at his work and I do have proof. But if I did that he will lose his job and who will take care of me?

After I caught him looking at his friends’ wife, he quit calling his friend out of shame. His friend kept calling me, asking why he hadn't heard from my husband. I made up excuses for 6 months. I knew his friend’s feelings were hurt. We were supposed to retire in Texas with them. I finally decided I didn't do this. They are still MY friends. I told her the truth. It was hard as I love them both. He just doesn't value anything except himself and job.

I went through fear and deep suicidal depression, not over him, but allowing this into my family and fear of nowhere to live or job. I have it figured out now. I thought, how is someone so cruel to one that has cancer? I learned he wanted to look normal with a family and have someone cook and clean and wait on him. This he will say now is partly true. He just didn't want to be alone anymore after 19 years.

I talked to his ex-wife after I found out about his nasty habit. She said yes, that is also why they are divorced. I asked her if she felt her daughter could have been molested by him, as I found that his choice of p*rn was VERY young girls. She said no, that their daughter had been questioned before. She is a 38 year old woman now who has all the behaviors of a molested child. He has no relationship with her. He hasn't spoken to her in over 3 years now. He never tries to see her when we go there 2 times a year.

I feel like I will never trust again. I had a great dating life before I settled down for this disaster. I hope I'll find who I used to be, because she was beautiful and fun. It's going to take a while. I wish I would just go on a date to feel attractive again. I just can't. Breast cancer and a partner that's p*rn-addicted are real self-esteem killers!

Boy my life has changed in 3 years. I fought so hard to live. But do not know how anymore. I know no one here where I live. I haven't a job. I did join the YMCA and bought a lamb and 2 goats! Lol. I do have a little Weiner dog that has been with me all the way! I love and miss people. This was a great way to tell my story. Please give thoughts on things I asked. I would appreciate it. Especially does what kind of content they prefer matter? He is 63.

w

I didn't beat Porn
by: Love>Money

I don't think I ever want to get married again. Doesn't seem like there are any men who actually care about their wife's heart. It sounds like lying is the "highest" effort they go to protect it. I can't even imagine a man holding my hand without it just being to cover up his interest in other women. Respectful women seem like they get the cold treatment the most. I don't want to lock myself for life with someone who is just seeing how many other women he can have.

It doesn't ever get better.
by: Anonymous

I've been dealing with this porn issue for 28 years and it has never gotten better. We had counseling and it looked like it was my fault and in my head. Now that he has retired, it has gotten worse. Yesterday, I notice an email address from a woman that I had seen a couple of years ago (I had deleted it back then). Now this email address had a G Pay button at the bottom, so I guess he has been paying for chats and video chats for some time now. Every time I find something, he blames it on someone else. There is no one else here. Then, he goes into the yelling, blaming me and telling me how good he's been to me as if that is going to make a difference.

I am retired now and hate to give up my beautiful home. We had just purchased it a couple of years ago. But, do I want to live in a nice home with someone I hate or leave and have nothing? I've got to get the courage to leave. I came from an abusive first marriage with broken bones. He had the porn problem too. After my disastrous first marriage, I had waited 10 years to remarry.

And now I've got to leave for how my current husband makes me feel. Early on in our marriage, he put a sheet over my head and choked me. He got into a lot of porn when I had gone on a business trip in my new job. Needless to say, I've had to quit many jobs because I could not deal with my husband's porn problems and continue to do my job. This stuff destroys a woman and I don't care what your confidence level was.

I'm done and will make arrangements to see an attorney soon. All I want now is to be free from porn. I don't care if I ever marry again. I have always loved sex and for the last 15 years --nothing. I'm done. But I want to state that this problem only gets worse as time goes on.

Need to talk
by: Anonymous

Would love to speak with someone in regards to this . I really need to talk to someone who has gotten through this!!

Give him the boot!
by: WasteNoTime

Hmm… I too was going to be the one that had to leave. Then, after his latest string of BS antics, any respect or trust I had for my now ex-fiancé was quietly snuffed out of existence.

A huge rift was caused by the discovery of his lies and appalling behavior a year ago. This was followed by his downward spiral of outrageous behavior. I finally forced myself to view my ridiculous situation objectively, as an observer. What I saw was laughably insane!!

What would I tell a beloved friend if she were me? I’d say, "He must be making massive bank to make that BS you put up with remotely worth it". My very recent ex is not making massive bank.

Don’t waste time on someone who makes you feel like trash as often as possible! He won’t change and YOU WON’T LIVE FOREVER!!!

Taking the emotional, ‘"But I love him" aspect out of the equation really helps level the ground. You don’t love him, you love the facade he presented. He couldn’t help but show his true colors eventually. You can’t love something that doesn’t exist. He doesn’t love you. If he did, he wouldn’t lie to you, especially about something he knows affects you deeply. He would not hurt you over and over and over. He would share intimate behavior only with you and you would be his fire. He would share, not sneak and hide. He would build you up, he would show affection all the time.

Make him move out, then clean and redecorate your home, get a Roomie if needed.

Be with someone who makes you feel good 99.9% of the time. Get rid of the guy whose methods of dealing with pain are selfish and hurtful and offensive. Instead find a guy who is emotionally mature and confident enough to share his pain with you, or at least deal with it in a way you find acceptable.

YOU ARE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER. DONT WASTE TIME.

It’s a constant battle between should I stay or should I go?
by: Anonymous

After living with a mother who was addicted to Heroin then going through foster home after foster home, addiction isn’t new to me, but the porn addiction is when it comes to my significant other. He convinced me to move to another state. This where his support system is (family) is and he told me if we moved, I could get the job I want and play sports. He told me that it’ll all stop (the porn) because his being happier will help him fix this problem...

So I took that leap of faith, giving him everything he wanted to get better. And now here I sit crying and constantly thinking about what he’s doing throughout the day and knowing not a thing has changed. I feel so stupid and all I can think about is leaving because I don’t want his problem to become my problem and start affecting my everyday routine. It’s hard not to become angry, not to want to leave because not only have I been lied to once, twice, three but four times. I’ve become numb and everything that comes out of his mouth I could honestly care less about. We no longer have a relationship but instead are just two people who have learned to just exist around one another. When is enough support enough until it’s time to leave?

Lost him after 15+ years together
by: Anonymous

I’m in tears as I read these posts from all the ones going through the pain of losing their relationship or who have lost a marriage. I just first want to say, ladies, you are not alone! Please find a support group or confide in someone who can be there for you. I know that's going to be my only way out of this. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 20 years. I know he loves & cares for me and I feel the same way about him.

I also am able to see that it's not just him being a perverted-no-good-man because I know in his heart he is a good man. But as problems arise (which they always do because no relationship can be real without issues), a man may feel pain like we’re feeling right now. It’s like his manhood takes a hit and makes him feel like less of a man in front of the woman he loves. And hurts him to his very soul, where he seems to understand and finds his manhood; like his solid ground has suddenly been knocked out from under him.

He may be unable to regain his sense of self and then seeks to find it in the only way most men have been shown and taught to be a man, by "winning over a woman". I have seen this change happen before my eyes as I'm going through it. I know what is going on, but I don't believe for one minute that my boyfriend is a sick, bad, or disgusting man. He's basically a good person. I cannot make him out to be something he's not, just because he needed something to take away his pain.

It also doesn't mean I have to accept what he has been doing or stay with him because I feel he’s a good man. That's not what I AM saying. I believe I AM at the point of no return for our relationship. I love him more than anything and I don't have anyone else (no kids or family). But I do have a tiny bit of God and enough of my heart left to bring me out of this. And I will always have that to get me out of anything. It's going to be so hard, but I do understand I have to forgive and accept what's done is done.

Don't hate… it will get you nowhere. Forgive and show the person you loved that they do matter to you. You never know, it may just change their whole life around. And that's something to feel good about, whether they deserve your forgiveness or not. In God's eyes that what we are here to do. I hope every one of you ladies can believe you are not alone; just look up and ask for help and strength… you are not alone
💖

My friend checked her husband's credit report...secret credit cards
by: Anonymous

I don't think this is even legal to do, but my friend noticed their savings balance decreasing and eventually ran a credit check on both of them to try to understand their finances. She was shocked to find credit cards on his report that she was unaware of. She confronted him and threatened divorce if he didn't allow her to view the online statements. It took months to get him to allow her access, she even consulted a divorce attorney.

You see what's coming. Thousands of dollars spent on webcam sites and thousands in cash advances were on these cards. She never did discover where he spent the cash, but had a gut feeling he'd used it seeing other women or even on prostitutes or exotic dancers.

They'd been married 23 years at this point with 3 teenaged kids. There's more to the story but it'd take hours to type. She divorced him 2 years ago and seems to be doing really well now. I never knew how lonely she was in that marriage until she opened up during the divorce. I thank God she discovered it and was able to get off a sinking ship and start a new life.

It only gets worse...I hate to say it
by: Anonymous

I'm reading posts from people who suffered 30 years & those who suffered 2 years. You are the lucky one if you haven't spent almost half your life committed to this type of addict.

Read up on it & the chances of recovery. I hated to read it myself. Chances aren't good that he'll recover even with help. As he spirals out of control, he will disregard you more and more. He will lie as that's what addicts do. They are in pain & ashamed, so they lie. Next, he won't be able to perform in the bedroom. Men are terribly embarrassed when this happens, so he'll resort to more of the filth and avoid failure to get hard with you more and more. When you're heartbroken and want to know why he avoids intimacy with you, he'll do the only thing he can do to protect himself and shift the blame...he'll tell you it's you.

It's heartbreaking. The loving, doting man you committed your life to becomes a stranger. He probably convinces you that you're too fat, busy, demanding in bed, not exciting, selfish, crazy, insecure, unfeminine, a bad housekeeper ... You get it. It's now mental abuse called gaslighting. If you stay, you start to believe it and your self-esteem sinks lower & lower. Now you've lost the strength to leave.

You tell yourself it's only p*rn. He eventually loses the ability to get hard with the videos, then resorts to spending thousands on live web-cam girls. When this stops working, you're "lucky" if he just has affairs. Many times they resort to prostitutes and unsafe sex.

At what point do you save yourself and leave? At 2 years? 5? 30? What you are finding is only the tip of the iceberg. These guys become master manipulators & spend a lot of time securing their activities. READ the stories above. Hear what happens to every one of these ladies. I didn't hear one of them say it's been 10 years and there's no sign of relapse.

Every one of us only has one life. Is this how you want to live it? Don't be in denial, don't be hopeful, and don’t lose years you'll never get back. You will once again love, laugh, enjoy your body and be bff's with someone else who will value your commitment and bond. Sounds impossible I know, but after you grieve the loss and look back in hindsight, you'll be SO HAPPY to be far away from it.

If you have children together, they need protection from this behavior. Being in a sick household with a dad obsessed with stuff is destructive. Most of all, run far away from this for yourself. You matter!

26 years of marriage and husband is still addicted
by: Debbie

I am going through the same thing. After 26 years of marriage, I feel like I am worthless and have no value. My husband might as well be a zombie. No communication, affection, or intimacy. Everything about a man eventually goes out the window and their pecker turns to a weenie! I am very disappointed in the lying as though I am stupid. This is my second marriage. I don't want to hear anyone state that this smut is innocent. It destroys marriages and the people in the marriage! There is nothing left to appreciate when you get older. I’m looking to sell my beautiful home and divorce my husband later in the year. There is nothing left of my marriage and I'm not going to live this way. The S.O.B that I'm married to has been playing with himself the whole 26 years --Sexless marriage. It was not right! I no longer feel like a woman.

We are enough
by: Anonymous

We need to remember that we were always enough and there is absolutely nothing wrong with us; we just happened to marry liars.

30 years and done
by: Anonymous

I met him when I was 17 and married him at 18. His addiction was discovered when I was 19. Now, 30 years later and countless attempts to be enough for him I have filed for divorce. My heart aches...because I love him so much. I went with him down his addiction for a few times to get the affection he would shower out on me. He couldn't just have his porn and fantasies, he wanted to try to live them out in real life.

I lost myself trying to make him happy. Finally, he admitted he will never quit and I will never be enough for him. I hired a detective only to find out that my husband was an expert liar... right to my face without even batting an eye. Currently, I am devastated and every time I look in the mirror I hear his voice on how I am not good enough.

He doesn't even consider his addiction as a problem...fitting since sex sells in America. As long as nobody sees bruises on my face and no signs of drugs, nobody really cares. My pain has been 30 years of mental and sexual abuse from the man I loved the most. Perhaps that makes me sick as well. I cannot take this anymore and I now know he will never change and I will never be enough.

I can’t fix him
by: Anonymous

We have been together for five years and married for two years. I found out about his porn addiction about three years ago when he stopped having sex with me. I thought he was cheating on me and so I started going through his phone. I was almost relieved at that point to find it was just porn until I started being rejected all the time. He would rather get off on that than have sex with his wife. I have never felt so ugly and disgusting in all my life. I finally confronted him three months ago and he gave me the silent treatment for two weeks straight. I confronted him again a week ago and he actually tried to accuse me of cheating on him because I started going back to church!

I am getting my ducks in a row and will be leaving him in the next couple of months. I hate the thought because I do love him but I know I’ll never be able to fix him. He doesn’t want help. I begged him to go to counseling and he won’t go. I sold everything to move in with this man and we have a beautiful blended family. The thought of that being broken just destroys me but I know I have to be strong for my kids.

This addiction is soul crushing.

They never stop
by: Anonymous

I have known him for 40 years. We got married 15 years ago. He went from watching porn to texting and interacting with the women who pimp themselves out online, some with the help of their husbands. He posted gushing compliments to them about their beauty and bodies. He posted vulgar comments about what he wanted to do with them. He would hide these sites on his computer. I would find them and he would initially lie, tell me he wasn't watching, then eventually admit a little bit at a time. He was paying for on line porn sites. He would usually find one woman that he would become attached/infatuated/in love with and check her site several times a day, tell her she was the most beautiful woman in the world with the most beautiful body.

He started to get PIED. We went to counseling and within one month he was back at it again. This time I am leaving...he says he is "serious" about quitting THIS TIME. I hope he is, but it will be without me. I'm 64, he is 68. Tough to move out on your own at my age, with little money and bad health. But I cannot live with a man who wants to have sex with other women. He is back in therapy. Hope it works for him, but I seriously doubt it will. I am placing myself and my mental health first. I no longer love him and find him disgusting. Never thought I would find myself in this situation at this age. I thought about staying with him and living my own life...not interacting with him, but I would read the comments he made to women and just could not stand the thought of seeing him another day. If your man is watching porn, get out as soon as you can. Get out while you are young and healthy because if you don't, you will find yourself old and it only makes it harder to make the move. Get out. Run as far away from him as you can. Never look back. You will be OK. You will be better than OK.

Help me understand the latest act of covert aggression
by: Anonymous

I have been married for 12 years and with him exclusively for 23 years. We were both single parents and waited until the kids were grown to get married and invest in a home. We are both 58 years old now. Several of our adult kids have struggled in adulthood and caused stress. He lost a brother to an accident and his mother in the past few years and has been depressed.

We both still work full time and I have had more success in my career than him, which I have detected signs of professional jealousy in him but didn’t think it was a deal-breaker. So, two years ago he started sneaking on the computer. Set the history to private, changed passwords, etc. I didn’t intrude and just noted it. Well, he left his email open once and I saw the tale tell "spam" that indicated p-rn sites were being accessed.

I also found a prescription for Viagra, which he hid from me. I wrote it off as insecurity and possibly ED, maybe age and depression over family deaths. Then he bought a movie camera. Then "toys". And more! Like he went crazy on this stuff. Bigger and bigger. Sex became miserable for me. He first said the camera wasn’t "on" it was just for him. Later, he said the filming was just for him to watch "later". He began to care more about filming than satisfying me and I finally exploded and destroyed the camera and all the props.

Well, he bought another camera. It started again. I look up and there is that sinister look and that camera rolling. I am completely revealed— but never HIS face. MY face, my privates, and all. So I said "No! Why do you keep doing this?" We argued and HE went limp! Made me feel like a real prude! So I got on his computer, which I never did out of respect. My husband has been making video "stories" where he picks up "sl-ts" and has used OUR marriage to illustrate the stories! What the hell is this?????

To make matters worse, he evidently downloaded some sex videos from my married daughter's phone (his stepdaughter) that she sent to her deployed spouse. He must have stolen her phone while she was asleep. He deleted a bunch of stuff but has a collection of thumb drives that he took when we split up over this behavior 3 months ago.

We are separated and I am trying to figure out what to do about this. We have joint property and finances so I can’t just leave. I feel violated and don’t see how I can ever trust him again. I’m thinking he was jealous because I was more successful and made more money so he was "punishing" me. We are not speaking at all. I sent him an email explaining how this hurt me and he simply made up a big lie as an accusation to shift the blame onto me. So he is in no way coming clean or being honest.

I don’t even know what to make of this insanity! Has anyone ever seen anything like this? It’s like marital sabotage or something. He has always been very passive aggressive but this seems pathological! I am furious and sad at the same time.

Always arguing about it
by: Anonymous

My husband has been watching this filth since we started dating. We have been together for 20 years and I love him dearly, but this is something we always fight over. It even got so bad he could not get it up without it. He always says he'll stop, but then he relapses. I had thought things were good but I found out that he started back since my surgery. We were advised no sex for 8 weeks after. It is now a little over 3 months and have been active, but not like before surgery. Well anyway I found out and confronted him. He said it's because I’m never in the mood and never seem interested anymore. He does still seem attracted to me but our computer history shows he's spending a lot of time line, so I know where this is heading. It's always the same and I just feel I cannot do this anymore. I had hoped I could pretend he doesn’t watch but I know I can't. I don't want to leave him but at the same time I feel like this is about all I can take. Soon I will probably grow to hate him. I hope so, then it'll be easier because I hate the way I feel. I have tried everything over the years from talking, watching it together, trying to act more like the girls on the screen do but it always ends up the same. He goes back to p*rn. I actually thought about killing myself just to end all the hurt but then 24 hours later I'm upset that I should feel that way when I have done nothing wrong. This addiction defiantly damages a person and everyone around them.

Needing advice
by: Anonymous

I recently caught my husband watching p*rn late one night while I was sick. He said he is addicted and has been for years. I told him that he needed to stay with family members for the time. He’s been hiding this for years! I am devastated, and don’t know what to do. He claims he wants to get help and he blames it on his addiction, like being addicted to drugs or alcohol. It is going to take years to rebuild any relationship we used to have and to get this awful picture of what he was doing out of my head if I do stay.... and a lot of counseling. But who is to say he won’t do it again like he has done before? Does anyone have any good advice as to handling this situation?

34 Years and devastated
by: Anonymous

There is really nothing I can add accept to say thank you to all who have commented. Every post has helped me to gain insight and to not feel so alone or stupid. For those of you who have left or who will leave soon, be strong. You deserve the best and you will have it because you are taking the steps to give it to yourself. And for those of you who have decided to stay and support your spouse or partner while they get help for their addiction, I wish you all the best. I have met many spouses in support groups that have stayed and their addicted spouses are sincerely doing the work to stay on the road to recovery. As for me, my husband wasn't ready to get help so I had to leave. I can't fix or control anyone. Only myself.

Thank you so much to everyone for being open enough to share a part of your story here with me.
Peace!

Worst nightmare comes true
by: Anonymous

After a 36 year marriage to a liar ended I never truly thought I'd remarry. 1.5 years later I met what I thought was a wonderful man. I did a background check, I scoured his computer, found nothing. He wanted to get married and I said give it at least 3 years. We married and 4 months later I went to use his computer and it was logged into a p*rn website. I spent the day going through the history, his payments and online chats with these dirty, disgusting Filipino women went back 8 years +. He tried to lie, but I had copied everything and changed his password so he could not delete anything. He has had relapses, he’s confessed to now he fears divorce so he just lies. I believe I will get divorced.

Breast cancer survivor
by: Anonymous

I had my suspicions about my husband. So one day when he pretended to go to the store the same time I pretended to leave early. I went up the road a little way and turned around. By then he called saying he had made it home cause the make-believe store was closed. I didn't tell him I was coming home. When I finally made it back I was shaking. I knew what he was doing. I could sense him lying. Well, I walk in and he's watching porn. I got back too early for him to actually do anything. But he knew I was aware of what he did. We argued, he lied and then finally confessed. He stopped for over 2 months, but on the first day back to work I check his phone and he did it again. He knew how much it hurt and did it anyway. I’m so close to a divorce. I told him if he keeps it up I’m gone.

It will always be your fault
by: Anonymous

No matter what you do, it will always be your fault. 34 years of marriage and I was made to feel like I was crazy. These guys are not real men; a real man is supposed to build up his wife and respect her, not lie and disrespect her. It’s the typical thing, they are thinking with their little head instead of their big head and we all know that when you chose to do that it makes you stupid.

Men will never really truly know what it is to give unconditional love. But what they will do to you is wreck you emotionally, mess with your self-esteem, they will mess with you till your emotionally messed up so that they can manipulate everything.

So for someone who has lived with a liar, remember once a liar always a liar. So instead of focusing on this piece of trash, I started focusing on myself (since all he knew was how to be selfish). I decided to be a little selfish and I started to walk, which has now turned into hiking. I have lost a whole other person and I’m now feeling so much better about myself. But one of the best things, I see him for who he is now… a pathetic storyteller (who by the way can’t even get it up, which by the way was always my fault just like every other excuse). Karma bites!

He denies everything
by: Anonymous

I need advice. My husband is constantly telling me how beautiful I am and how much he is in love with me, but there has not been much action in the bedroom. He claims it’s a testosterone problem so I believed him. It turns out he watches p*rn everyday even at work. I went to visit my daughter for a few weeks and his addiction is getting worse. He has no problem getting off on this filth, but he can’t make love to me. I think he has a Facebook account and another email. He lies and yells at me and tells me I am making stuff up in my head. I found on his feed how to watch this filth without a trace, but I see his feed anyways as he has google and it tracks all he says. I even heard him in the act. I guess he didn’t know the phone was recording him and it wasn’t me, it’s a feature he has on his phone. He sets his alarm to a certain time while I am asleep and he has become more aggressive and has a short fuse. He was never like that. He denies everything. If I bring it up he yells at me and tells me I am making things up in my head. I don’t know what to do, but I am not happy. I don’t like secrets. Everything has different passwords and he lies a lot. I had him listen to it and he tore me apart calling me all kinds of names.

It never goes
by: Heart Broken M

After 6 years with a man that I truly loved, I am now tired of it all. I found out 4 years ago that he had a porn addiction. He said he would stop, but instead he become smarter about hiding it. When I went to work, he would do porn all day, yes that’s right from 6am to 4 pm every day. It has been the worst experience of my life and has destroyed me. When I suspected he was doing it again, I put on spy ware to see what was going on and that was the biggest shock ever. He was this man I loved looking at teenagers and younger, and I had no idea what to do. After much talking and seeing a therapist, I knew I had to walk away because it never gets better. My advice is leave the moment you find out. If you’re not sure put spy ware on the computer or phone and see the true picture before it’s too late.

I think you either missed the point or are in denial.
by: Anonymous

No, not every man looks at porn. Not every man who looks at porn is an addict. That is akin to saying everyone who enjoys the occasional cocktail is an alcoholic. The basis for addiction is deceptive practices. Emotional abandonment. Withholding intimacy. Less time spent with family friends and doing things you used to do simply to carve out time to act out. If you have difficulty understanding this perhaps you should educate yourself. I will only speak for myself. I now have a very broad understanding of this widespread problem because I felt the need to understand this issue. I can also tell you my ex thought he could handle "it" on his own. He was forced to seek help by the court. I wish you the best. Educate yourself and heal.

One of them
by: one of them

Try combating the source. The sex industry, not your husband. I'm this day and age. Every man looks at it. Sorry. Its a real struggle for men. Every man.

Doesn’t get that it’s a selfish act
by: Anonymous

He says he has stopped, but it’s very hard to believe anything he says now since he’s been lying about it for over 30 years. He still doesn’t think he did anything wrong in our marriage; talk about being selfish stubborn and hardheaded. It feels like I’ve had an arrangement, not a commitment. I’m struggling emotionally. I’ve been faithful throughout the years as our love life diminished and intimacy vanished. I’m starved for affection and love.

Engaged... well we were
by: Anonymous

I was engaged to a loving, affectionate man who did everything to show me love and support.

But, I discovered that he is a p*rn addict. Since he was old enough for the nightlife, he spent many years going to men's clubs, hiring prostitutes, and going to isolated places to do who knows what. Pretending that he is an introvert, alone and working at hours that didn't allow to build a social network.

When we met he stopped, saying that he doesn't see these women while in a relationship. But he never stopped watching the smut. He said many times that a self-confident woman would be able to live with it, and even to enjoy it with him. I was horrified. He is an addict, and despite seeing the disaster it created in our relationship, he doesn't believe he will get rid of it soon. "Matter of years" he said.

I made the decision to leave him, knowing that the trust is broken and that I don't want to catch him again on this in the future.

34 years and he still lies about it
by: Anonymous

I my life and marriage has all been a big lie. How does one recover from something so traumatic? It really sucks living in a world where most woman will do anything for a dollar. What happened to having self-respect and knowing that we are all different and special and that our bodies are for the eyes of only your spouse? But that doesn’t go both ways because we’re living in a world where men think they’re entitled to see every woman naked, which is BS. You say your vows to forsake all others. What a joke. There are too many woman out there with low self-esteem, no morals and no values. All they’re doing is fueling the flame. Women will never be treated with respect while there are those type of women walking amongst us. We women, mothers and daughters need to stop watching all the media sl-ts, turn off the TV and stop following them. We also need to get back to empowering each other and stop trying to outdo each other and never forget men are dogs. Stop feeding them.

Have hope (from an addict)
by: Anonymous

Have hope. Unfortunately, men are stubborn. I denied the absurd idea that I could be addicted to porn. I got my degree in molecular biology and have learned to do research. My fiancé was the first to find the issue in our relationship. I couldn't fathom the idea that watching something on my phone could separate us. I am now feeling ignorant and ashamed.

Porn fires of various pathways in the brain and begins to use the part of your brain involved in instant gratification. It's the same process as drugs. It is an addiction. Not only that, it will make a man lose his affection and even his happiness... because it is an addiction.

For the men out there reading this, take the time to just Google what a porn addiction does to the brain. If you want to be happy and you truly want to be with the love of your life, do this or you will lose everything.

For the women, try to help them understand and be prepared for stubbornness. It is the same process as a drug addiction, no matter if they do it once a week or once a year it still causes the same response. But have hope. Coming from a man who doesn't want to lose the love of his life. That man you love is still there but he has to learn on his own what he is truly doing to his brain.

Something has to change!!
by: Michael

Reading all of these posts about confrontation, disgust about these men, and everyone running away. Ugh... Where is the empathy, compassion, and the desire to help these sick men get the help that they desperately need?? I was addicted to p*rn and lied about it for 30 years. I was never abused or exposed to sex at a young age. I never learned or figured out how to deal with feelings or emotions and was so afraid of being rejected. Self-gratification became what gave me my release starting at age 12, before I even had a clue except it felt good. Years of this acting out warped my reality of what I was doing and it all became normal in my mind.

A year and a half ago I was finally able to admit who I really am, the freedom is amazing. After admitting, researching, therapy, and reconnecting with God I am able to recognize the truth of what I was doing. Unfortunately, because of how much my wife of 15 years was deceived she was unable to stay with me. I now really struggle daily learning to deal with actual rejection. Luckily I have God, support by caring men, and tools to help me recognize my emotions and rejection and respond in a healthy way in order to stay away from p*rn and self-gratification.

This stuff jacks with our brains before we know it. It takes a minimum of 90 days of staying away from any sexual stimuli before the brain begins to heal. IT CAN BE DONE!! We really need support. Most of us men do not realize the pain we are causing our significant others or ourselves. It is not because we don't care it... is the fact that we are sooo lost.

Please find a way to get us help, WHATEVER it takes. I hope that I can save at least one marriage, because I am tired of seeing so many destroyed. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE STOP leaving us when we need you the most and find a way to lead us to freedom. We must stop leaving our wounded to die and start rushing to their aid if we want to be able to beat the smut industry and stop divorce.

Liars and Weak
by: Anonymous

Men who indulge in internet porn on a regular and obsessive basis are weak and selfish excuses for human beings. They pretend to be helpless to control themselves, then claim it's turned into an addiction. Bull! They made a choice, and that choice was not for their wife or girlfriend. As if their significant other never had an opportunity to cheat on them yet resisted the impulse! Lies, that's all these losers know. They swear they won't do it again, as they bide their time, hoping you'll trust them and never check up on them again. When the obvious presents itself yet again, the clues you recognize from their past use and deceptive cover-ups, you try to convince yourself you are being paranoid. It simply could not be! These self-centered, hedonistic men are only too happy to validate your seeming paranoia by telling you it is all in your imagination. "Gaslighting" is their specialty. Ladies, if you are not already married to this lying loser, run now while you have the chance. If you are unfortunate enough to be married to them, disregard their litany of lies and promises. Run like hell! That's what divorce lawyers are for.

Similar story
by: Anonymous

I am 28 year old and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I never really cared either way for adult videos and have even watched it myself in the past. I felt neutral about it before this relationship. Then I slowly started seeing websites open on his phone and still didn't care or think much of it. Then one day I was on our computer (shared) and in the browser history there were ads for Craigslist "connections and personals" section. Turns out he had been responding to personal ads, sending body pictures and I found out he was a member of multiple dating sites and would message girls. Well he told me he didn't need that stuff and was "just looking ". I didn't see anything else like that as far as personals and Craigslist ads for a long time, so I thought that was just nonsense in the beginning of the relationship.

Well it turns out he has continued to view this smut this entire time. We have had countless fights, broken promises time and time again of quitting, discussions of addiction and everything under the sun. I developed severe anxiety, never wanting to leave the house because of this, and when I do leave for school (I’m a college student) I feel anxious the whole time I'm gone. I rush to get home and never go out with friends or do anything really because I feel like I always have to be at home. We just moved into a home together and had it all remodeled. I stupidly wanted a fresh start here, but I should have known that these behaviors continue no matter where we are at. Last night I came home early from class and go into our bedroom. He was in the bathroom but his phone was lying on the bed. I turn it on and right away an open tab with p*rn on it, right there.

He has a 7 year old boy that I am a stepmother to full time, so I have a full plate. I have a hard time concentrating on my studies and was just accepted into university to begin my bachelor's program. I should be excited and focused on that, but all I can think about is if my boyfriend is watching this filth behind my back every time I leave the house. I feel gross and unattractive and my self esteem has hit an all-time low.

We were actually doing really good for a few months, I didn’t feel like he was watching it anymore (I don't actually know that but everything just felt so normal and different in a good way) I was finally gaining self-confidence and feeling genuinely happy which had been a long time since I have felt truly at peace. Then last night happened and it's like the rug has been pulled out from under me and I'm back to this cycle of self-hatred and anxiety. I struggle to sleep at night as well and have bad dreams about infidelity. I'm too young to be this stressed out 24-7. I can't don't this anymore.

We are one of many
by: Catherine

I spent an unfortunate three hours looking at porn the other night to cement what I know of pornography. I cried, I gagged and I felt for all who have been hurt by this dehumanizing behavior.

I have had two broken marriages, both ending because of porn addiction.

Each time our porn-addicted husband's click on this they are fueling the industry, which is bad enough, but they are also fueling child pornography. They are fueling violence against women and children. They are fueling sex-trafficking. And the list goes on.

And it sucks that the person on the receiving end wants more than anything to have a great marriage based on love, respect and intimacy. All of which is lost in the world of porn.

I hope our world changes and our men can once again be good men, the men that we need and the men that our children need.

Punch your fist in the air to know that you are part of a group of women who care and who realize that porn destroys.

All the best. Take care of yourself. We are one of many! xo

Dishonesty
by: Anonymous

I knew that my husband had struggled with this issue in his past, but was naive and really wanted to believe it was kicked for good. I even asked him multiple times before getting married.

Fast forward post-partum with our only kid. He started acting like he would die of no sex. Mind you, even if I did want to, I couldn't because I was still healing from the birth. I started feeling objectified and was going through major post-partum depression. He started not wanting to come home and started ignoring some of my calls (this guy usually always answers his phone). He started getting vague about work and was being scolded at work for not doing his work.

Well found out months later why. He was getting off to these filthy videos at work for who knows how many hours. I wouldn't have even found out. But I was going to counseling and brought up past trust issues and that he did have a past struggle with it. So, my counselor suggested asking him about it. She was thinking more like, he would reassure me and then our marriage could be stronger. Ha, that would have been really nice. But nope, he did say no, but I got this sinking feeling and when he didn't even look me in the eyes.

I kept asking and he kept lying until barely more than a whisper he admitted it. I felt so hurt and betrayed. No wonder something felt so off and he was objectifying me...now we don't fool around nearly as much and when we do, it's usually me making the effort and I can't help but wonder if his mind is on those girls the whole time. The thing is, I have a higher libido for a woman and I desire the closeness. But it feels empty.

It's been 2 years since I found out. I have an accountability app on his phone and told him that he needs to go to an accountable group. He sometimes goes and I want to believe that he's not just making up excuses for when he doesn't go. When things pop up, he claims it's an accident... and I can't believe him. But I want to because we used to be so happy together. Other than this addiction, he's a pretty good guy. But can I live like this, wondering when the next relapse will happen? If he will ever overcome this? If he will even be honest with me if he's tempted? Will there ever be healing? Will the pain ever go away?

Been Gaslighted Too Long
by: Anonymous

Get out if you can. If your man is addicted to porn, he likely has emotional problems and your relationship will continue to get more toxic then you'll both be sick. I could have written many of these posts myself - I've been through so many of these scenarios and felt all the same feelings that have been expressed here. Do not let his selfish, narcissistic and dirty habit rob you of your youth, beauty, sanity, self-respect and self-esteem for one more day. And don't, for one minute, believe that it is you that has the problem or that you're imagining things. That's called being gas-lighted. Your heart won't lie to you - if you sense it and having a knowing, you need no more "proof". Stop looking for it and trust your God-given intuition. Oh, and run. Run far.

I don't know if he's even telling the truth anymore
by: Anonymous

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I told him how I felt about porn a few months shortly after dating. He then made a promise to me he would never look at it again. I don't like porn for personal past reasons. I've been sexually abused and I’m very self-conscious. Anyways, I recently found out he lied to me that entire year. Not because he told me, but because I found out on my own. He's lied to me about everything about it. I have ptsd, and when I found out last year my heart was absolutely shattered. Since then he has told me he has stopped, I have checked website history and his cookies and can't find anything. He said he didn't know how to delete the cookies. But I don't believe him. My problem is he has lied to me and hurt me for so long that I don't know if he's even telling the truth anymore.

Faked illness to watch it
by: Anonymous

My husband is addicted to p*rn and I'm stuck in the marriage. We've been married 12 years, and have not been intimate in 11 years. The last time we had sex was when our 10 year old twins were conceived. I had a rough pregnancy and was on pelvic rest nearly the entire duration. After the kids were born I made passes at my husband several times/week for at least 3 years. He turned me down every time. Some excuses were that he didn't want me to get pregnant again, so I tried 2 different IUDs with terrible side effects, oral birth control, and I bought him an extra-large box of confines for Christmas one year. They were never used.

Over the last 6 months or so, my husband started claiming near-daily migraine headaches. He would come home from work, lie down in bed, and I would let him rest in privacy. I walked in on him getting off to videos on his phone approximately 1 month ago. I didn’t say anything, because I was so hurt. The next day when he came home from work with a migraine I realized he was doing it again. I then decided to enable parental controls on his phone, but since I do not know his phones password I had to wait until he left his phone unattended and unlocked. I was able to enable parental controls about 3 weeks ago. Miraculously, his daily migraines stopped after 2 "false alarm" headaches, where he claimed a migraine was setting in, but as soon as he laid down with his phone and was unable to watch videos his headaches magically went away. He hasn't had a single migraine since then. I'm devastated. I don't understand why he prefers this fake world to real me, who is desperate for some affection.

I've been a homemaker since I became pregnant, and I have no money of my own. I can't afford to leave him. I'm trying to get back into the workforce so I can eventually leave, but it is very difficult. And how can I stand to live with him in the meantime?

God
by: Amy

I now believe that only God can save my husband. I have gone to therapy, I have recorded him, I have videotaped him, and I have looked at his underwear. He is terribly shameful and carries that around with him everywhere. He believes he is less of a person because of his shame. I saw an amazing film called The Heart of a Man. It is my belief these men have been abused in some way and until they hit rock bottom, nothing will change except for a deeper concentration on hiding the shame. My husband is dark and he is needy and he is looking for validation through other woman, through building an ego so big others will see a strong powerful man instead of the weak, insecure, and shameful 6 year old he never developed properly. His parents abused him.....he was given no praise...and I suffer because of his parents lack of responsibility. I say pray, get in the word, and give it over to God. If you have no faith.....divorce.

Three strikes he is out.
by: Anonymous

My soon to be ex-husband is a porn addict. He will not change even after countless times of telling me that he would. It destroyed his business, our marriage and my ability to trust. Each time he got caught he just got better at hiding it and seeking it out. We were together nearly 25 years and married for almost 23 years when the final straw came. Four years ago he allowed me to put a parental control on his work computer and we agreed on no internet at home, but he was so sick he went and sourced it in his brother’s office on the general work computer. He is so sick and so caught up in his lies and deceit, that he does not see his own problem or care. He blames me and then uses this poor excuse in his head to give him a reason as to why he does it. I will never get the sick images out of my memory, the only good thing is he too suffers ED. Ladies these men will never change, don't let them take what little you have left. S

He doesn't realize the problem
by: Anonymous

I am in the "looking for lawyer" divorce phase. My spouse has always had some involvement with porn, but I did not realize until about the past 5 of 16 years how bad it had gotten. He only wants porn-style sex, which began as a "happy anniversary" thing and now is demanded every single time we enter the bedroom. Then, nothing I would do sexually was good enough anymore, it didn't look like the computer that's why! Forget intimacy or sexual acts that the woman might enjoy. Now he's at phase that he won't have regular v-j sex unless he gets his porn fix first. If I refuse, no sex period. I'm too young to live like this and I stayed for years due to the children. And ladies, whatever you do, don't try to "fix" this by becoming more like porn girls. That is like bringing home dope for an addict. It only gets worse and worse and the next thing you know he has ED anyway, and your health is permanently damaged.
The worst thing is, he feels the porn is not a problem, and that I am boring and repressed and am that way because of my "bible beating" family. Funny how none of my exs ever complained. Just him. IT DOESN'T GET BETTER WHEN THEY ARE UNWILLING TO CHANGE.

Porn Destroyed My Marriage!
by: Anonymous

I was married for 35 years before I finally had enough of my husband’s porn, young female friends, and lies! We had 2 children; a son who died 4 years ago to a very rare cancer at 37. My ex was not there for his son while he was dying! And when my son passed away, his own father was not even at the funeral home while our son was cremated. It just kills me inside the way my ex treated his own flesh and blood. We have a daughter, she’s 38 and has 3 beautiful kids. She is addicted to meth, pain pills, and Xanax! I hate addiction; it’s a beast from hell! Porn destroyed my marriage, our intimacy, and any affection that we use to have. We were high school sweethearts and he was my first love. We’ve been divorced for 8 years now and his addiction to porn only got worse after the death of our son.

Porn addiction needs to have a voice for the public to hear loud and clear! It’s a disease of the brain and definitely changes a loved one’s behavior and thinking process in a destructive path of cheating, lying, and detachment from the human race ....God bless you all for having the courage and strength to do the right thing… I still love my man but, not enough to continue in a toxic relationship with a broken heart!

I agree... but
by: Anonymous

I know that these men have done you wrong so many times. You feel betrayed, humiliated and guilty for not preventing such catastrophic behavior. However, with all due respect, these men, whom you call pigs, are also victims of an alarming addiction that is being caused by porn. Especially in the "information age" we live in! Most of us (because I also used to be addicted) are using this free and accessible escape from our realities, where we think we are wanted or safe away from the ghosts of our past- our childhood traumas. Like any other drug it changes you (psychologically and also alters the biochemistry of the brain). The addictive behavior does not end at porn, gradually it extends to any form of escapism as a coping mechanism. In conclusion, we need your help. We need to confess to our addiction. The only way to make that possible is for people to get properly informed and for everyone to show understanding and seeking help, judgement from peers only works to strengthen the addiction because a side effect of heavy porn use is deep shame! Instead of lashing out in ignorance, inform yourself and understand that you're not the only victim.

63 year old porn addict
by: Anonymous

I discovered my 63 year old husband was obsessed with porn accidently. He spent any time he had on my computer supposedly searching for jobs, getting up early in morning and going to bed all hours of the night. I was having a problem with my computer. My 28 year old daughter had a look at it and found an endless amount of horrific porn sights involving young people many under age. Guys with guys. Girls with girls and men constantly raping the same woman. My husband blamed my grandson but he wasn’t even here at the time. So my husband had to admit to it. Then he blamed me. Said he didn’t think I wanted sex, which was so untrue. He must have been like it all his life. Our wedding night was the most disappointing of my life and we go months at a time without any and then it’s only a couple of minutes. Even at my age, l long to have a normal sex life with someone I love. I have children in my care and they could have seen all the filth he didn’t bother deleting off my computer.

lies lies and more lies
by: Anonymous

Our relationship was great the first 6months. Then I found all his porn stash. I tried to be supportive and understanding and told him I didn't have an issue with the material, but what I did have an issue with was what it was doing to our relationship.

He promised me faithfully he would stop but my gut instinct would tell me different. I started to have an unhealthy obsession looking at his phone, hiding places where he thought was safe to keep his secret away from me. I always found it.

Tonight was the last straw after 6 years together and nearly 2 years of no intimacy at all I found his dad's sticky magazine collection and told him I want him out of my life. He is 52yrs and I am 47. I told him he is sick in the head and a pervert I just got so angry. I am sick of feeling used, ugly, undesirable. I am at rock bottom and the way I look at it now is, as a woman I need to try and get my meaningless life back together and try and be happy again (I haven't been happy for a long time )

While I get myself sorted he will have his secret porn stash to keep him company. Men like that will never change no matter how much you beg, plead, cry, shout and talk. It's all about them and getting off to porn that matters, not you.

I feel for you all
by: Mikey

I never had the urge or need to look at porn. That’s why I have a wife; she's all I need!

Ladies who have children quit beating yourselves up. Your children will understand why you are wanting a divorce. If you’re not happy your children are not happy! This is a woman's world; you will get full custody of your children!

Never believe or trust a porn user. They'll say and make up anything they can to get you to believe them! If he has to use porn for pleasure, then he doesn't need you in his life! If he's hiding in the bedroom or bathroom to use porn, kick him out because he doesn't deserve you! If he tells you he's watching porn to get more ideas in the bedroom, HES LYING! If he’s saying he looks at it once in a while HES LYING!

Not all men are pigs, but many are! PORN IS CHEATING, IT IS ADULTERY. Don’t fall for a cheater ladies!

Too many aliases
by: Anonymous

My porn addict hubby has only grown worse in the last 10 years. He literally has three computer, each with in excess of 400,000 images on each of them. And not just women, but other horrible images, and it goes on. He has numerous fake Facebook and twitter accounts, all loaded with porn stars and sites. He is horrible in bed. I'm horrible in bed now too. I have zero self-esteem. And he's cheated...numerous times.

It's all become too much and I'm literally on day five of leaving him. No contact, nothing. Please, I hope I can stay gone. :-(

Awful Situation
by: Anonymous

I, too, am married to a porn addict. I caught him while we were dating and made it perfectly clear that I would not accept that behavior. He confesses to using porn since high school, and asked if I'd support him if he got counseling to help him overcome the "need" for this mess. I agreed, and with much effort the issue lessened to the point of disappearing, or so I thought.

We are now three years into our marriage, and I just found that he struggled constantly for a year, then gave in. Only now, he has begun looking at photos of an ex-girlfriend, who likes to post inappropriate photos of herself online. He says he likes the "power" he had when they were together, but I can't figure out what that means. I'm sure some of it is physical attraction, though the only real difference in her body and mine is that I'm quite a bit taller (she is a couple inches under 5'), and my breasts are bigger. He says he likes that she's "public" with her body...wow.

I am certain he hasn't contacted her...but I have. She's actually quite nice and told me they broke up all those years ago because of...get this...his porn use. She was genuinely disturbed to learn why I was asking these questions. The true shock on her face let me know she had no idea what was going on, and she swore she hasn't seen him since the day they broke up 8 years ago. She is also engaged to a fantastic man. I believe her. Also, while checking husband's phone, I learned that Google Maps has been tracking his movements every day for the last year or so. I literally looked at every single map entry and he has never been anywhere near her home or job, and I didn't find any unexplained locations or addresses.

I'm at a loss as to why he need this ridiculousness. It's adolescent, and I feel like I'm married to a 14 year old disguised in a 35 year old man's body. I've consulted a divorce attorney and am debating on going forward with the process. I WANT him to grow up so we can rebuild and get past this, but I don't know if he's willing. He says he wants to, but words don’t matter anymore.

On porn addiction
by: Anonymous

Hello,

I have experienced the other end of what many of your posts describe. I have had a strong propensity for pornography since I was a young teenager.

As time has gone by pornography has changed dramatically, and I'll say, dramatically for the better. I have no idea where it will all lead to, but ultimately I think people watch it to feel something, make a connection, or to escape something. It is a lot like a drug in that way. I think part of it is adrenaline. I think physiologically for men it satisfies something deep in our brains.

Please realize most of your partners probably use porn once in a while. I'm an exception. I (now trying to quit) would do it at least twice a day and sometimes 5 times a day. It's out of control, and I'm trying to get a handle on my behavior and better understand why.

I hate that I do something so obsessively and I can't talk to my partner about it. That is my problem and I'm trying to decipher my behavior. I never was sexually abused or anything like that. I was not encouraged to be this way and I never was particularly traumatized or anything like that. I honestly can only think it's somehow wired in me. I don't think any of my friends or family members have the kind of addiction problem I have. I know I'm not normal. I'm an extreme case, but there are a lot of cases like me out there and your partner may be just as bad.

Your husband or partner is probably abnormal if he does not self-pleasure himself. So first accept it is extremely normal. And I can attest that at times in my life when I was most sexually active with very attractive women I did it as much or more. It has no bearing on how much I've loved my partners over the years.

So please don't take it as a reflection on your sexiness or beauty or attractiveness. If your partner does it, it means he likes and perhaps abuses the feeling of the sexual pursuit in the same way some people over eat or over drink or smoke too much. And you should not take it as a reflection on you at all.

I love my partner dearly, and pornography does not affect how much love her at all.

That being said, I cannot bring myself to admit to her how badly addicted I am. When we first dated I told her I had a lot of trouble resisting sex and porn, so she knows, but I hate talking about it or showing her anything related to it. I'm hoping explaining my side might be of some use. I know this is terrible. This is one of the main reasons I feel I need to quit. Not because I think pornography is bad, but because if I do something this much I should be able to be public about it. If I can't tell the most important person in my life about my behavior, then that's creepy and bad and something needs to change.

I need help
by: Anonymous

I caught my husband watching porn. I don't know what to do, I don't know if I should leave. I confronted him about it he promises not to do it again I don't know if I should believe him because in the beginning of our relationship he cheated. And he said he wouldn't do it again and he hasn't, but he ran to porn. I don't know what I should do?

Amazing to find this site
by: Anonymous

I am so grateful to find this site because I have just kicked out my husband of 23 years for his, get this, she-male porn addiction, and of course I feel so hurt and alone. And the clincher? I have been so faithful to him that I have been celibate for 22 of those years, the one year difference being the time I was pregnant with our only child. I always questioned his rejection of me and he always told me it was a medical issue, his psoriasis, or whatever, and I believed him. My vows stated in sickness and in health, and therefore I was faithful. Then a little over a year ago, I happened upon an Apple tablet we shared, though I never used it, and when I noticed the battery was low I plugged it in and porn site icon came up. I thought that was odd and when I clicked it, it was full of gay she-male porn. As I checked the history and saw all this she male porn history going back months and months and months, my hands trembled. I was devastated. I couldn't believe it. I confronted him on it and he wanted to pull me into it. What? Never...such a repulsive thing.

And stupid me, I thought I could 'cure' him, that I could help him. So I worked with him on this, daily, talking, snuggling, seducing (to no avail). That lasted nine months, then I just said, whatever. But the anger in me has been multiplying. The anger today became explosive and I hit him. And I don't want to ever feel that way again. I don't know where I stand now, but this is my story.

But, the bigger question begs to be asked: what of our youth? Once virtual holographic pornography is a reality, say goodbye to our species as we know it. If people don't see this as a real problem they really should wake up and fast. I am all for freedom of expression but when it comes to this sort of thing, some measures need to be taken. I'm sure that's not possible. But it is very, very sad.

The opposite of love is indifference
by: Anonymous

Porn addicts are indifferent to their spouses. You cannot fix them, they don't want to fix themselves. Hire an IT firm, get evidence for litigation to get your kids, threaten to expose them and get out of your marriage. Fast. The secret and lies are half the thrill for them. Porn addiction cannot be fixed. Don't believe anything they say. Get out and heal.

30 Years I have been Married to a Liar.
by: Anonymous

I realize that 30 years is a long time to believe the lies; boy am I beating myself up for it now.

Who am I really? I am a very happy person. I love life and jump in with enthusiasm. Each day is a new experience! I thought I had a great marriage...But I let him take my happiness.

I started finding porn websites, and inconsistencies in his stories about where and what he was doing. My husband would deny all the issues and problems. After I would accused him, he would change his ways long enough to subside my suspicions.

As his addiction progressed, he used verbal abuse to make me believe his lies. He would emotionally abuse me until I had complete self-doubt. I actually believed "I" was delusional. What caused the change in me...Let’s just say going to bed with my husband became awful. Each encounter worse than the one before. After another bad attempt at intimacy, I told him "I would rather be dead than be in this bed with you". So after that night I listened to my gut and starting searching the web browser history, and was not surprised by what I found. If you are reading this YOU KNOW the images all too well.

I found more evidence of his betrayal and told him not to come home. After several hours, he arrived home and admitted to his addiction. He has started counseling but I am ready to cut this liar from my life. I pretending to try... but it is over for me.

I need guidance.
by: Anonymous

I don't know what to do anymore, I am at my wits end and need advice. We have been married for 8 months and I am currently pregnant. We have only been together for 2 years and at first we were constantly having sex, taking showers together and he would light candles to set the mood. When we got married, it dwindled. On our honeymoon we had sex once and now maybe once every month or two. I decided to look on his phone, thinking I would find another girl or something, but it was just porn...I told him how it made me feel and how ugly and disgusting I was starting to feel about myself because he never tries to pursue me anymore and all he does is look at these girls on the internet. He told me he would work on us and it was because of stress or me not trying. So I started to come on to him and I got nothing. After that he did start to come on to me and I felt stupid for feeling the way I was, but then I noticed he looked at porn before each intimate time. It's gone back to not having sex and I just found more porn on his phone...I don't know what to do. I am only 26 years old and when I tell people why I'm upset they laugh...I feel like I need to leave. I feel ugly and unwanted now over this and I do not want a sex-less and unhappy marriage. I feel so degraded over these women, wishing I had what they did because of the attention he gives them and the want he has for them. Please, I need advice.

Anxiety stricken full of fear
by: Anonymous

It never gets better or easier, the lying, the cheating, the hidden messages, the porn addiction. It all sucks! Been married for 25 years to this porn driven selfish man! He never ever put me first, despite his broken promises. I so hate him but I know I have love for him too. I'm so confused and deeply fearful of leaving him, because I feel like I can't breathe if he's not around😕 It's just so bad, I don't go anywhere without him because I'm so freaking fearful. But I know for a fact that he's never going to change. I feel stuck in a loveless relationship. I thought he was faithful because we were going to a sound Christian church years back. He was involved in bible studies and men's retreat where he would hear from great pastors like John MacArthur. We went to Christian counseling; that didn't help either. 25 years and three grown kids later, he's still at it. I ask him why he has ED, he says it's his age! Yeah sure, it's his freaking self-centered ways! Aaah I feel so alone. Stuck!

The reality is its best to leave
by: 6 yrs in

I have never been a prude kind of person. I never thought p*rn was bad. I have always loved had a healthy sex drive and was comfortable with my body.

After discovering my partner was always watching p*rn and turning me down I figured it was me. I spent years learning to slowly hate myself. At my worst I was ashamed to leave the house because I felt so ugly. I didn't tell anyone for a long time because I was ashamed.

Well... it had nothing to do with me. For 6 years he has lied to me pretty much every day. He has stolen my phones to look for images, I have found secret devices, he has messaged trashy women, stalked normal women’s Facebook profiles for bikini shots, and he has promised it will stop. On the anniversary of my brother’s death he was too busy to comfort me because he was online watching webcam girls.

The cheeky messages he could never send me, he sent them. The flirting with them. The intimacy with them. He used our toddler’s iPad to watch this filth when his phone had an accountability app. I know because he forgot to delete it and she very nearly found it.

When I was pregnant I'm pretty sure he cheated on me when I visited family. He messaged prostitutes, and when I cried to him for hours (pregnant with the second one) he swore he was getting help (this has happened 100 times before) it was 4 days before he was waiting for me to fall asleep so he could watch it again.

It. Does. Not. Get. Better....

Please don't try to help him. Leave him. And if he helps himself great. But all this will do is leave you a shell of who you were and teach your kids that women are objects to satisfy their needs or lie to.

Lies, lies, lies...sociopath
by: Amy

I have been married for little over a year. He is a narcissistic and pathological liar who would rather look at smut than touch his wife. We have not been intimate since we got married. He tried 1x in Belize. He stopped and I cried. He made up an excuse but we all know he can’t continue because excessive self-gratification creates ED. He now blames the lack of sex on me. I think I’m going to leave him. It's never going to change.

Less than one year in...NEED ADVICE!
by: Moosriel

I caught him watching porn when we were dating, I explained to him very thoroughly that I will not accept it, I think it’s cheating, and if he wants to watch we should end things right now. He convinced me he didn't need it and wouldn't do it again after realizing how it affect me. 9 months after our wedding I caught him again. I went on the computer to look at our photos and there it was! Turns out he never really stopped. He just got better at hiding it because he knew if I found out I would leave. I feel like now that we are married it's not so easy to just walk away. It's been 7 months since I found it and things in our marriage have gotten so bad. He has yet to take accountability for the hurt he caused, yet to try to rebuild my trust, or to prove to me that our marriage can get through this. I didn't get married to get divorced, but I'm so unhappy and I'm losing sight of what I'm even fighting for. Please help me!

Divorce is a beautiful word.
by: Anonymous

I'm divorcing my porn addicted husband after 16 years of marriage. The last 6 years of the marriage he refused to have sex at all because he preferred porn. The last time we had sex he just lay there like a wet fish. He made no noises and didn't move his body. It was a horrific sexual experience and I cried silently into the pillow afterwards. Porn addicts are really bad in bed. The best lovers are enthusiastic. Enthusiasm is something these types of addicts can never show a real life woman. I'm off to new pastures and looking forward to the future. The only regret is I should have given up on him much sooner.

Porn detaches them from seeking human connection
by: Carol from Mich.

My heart goes out to all you ladies. All these destroyed relationships, so sad and disturbing. I will not discuss my story@ this time. There is so much more us women loose in life if we stay with these type of men. Women are emotional creatures who like to feel loved, respected & adored once in a while. What about some romance once in a while? Do our porn addicts have to be nice to these women they are having sex with? Do they have to get them in the mood with some romance? Do they have to have a good conversation? Wine & dine them? Hell no, and they get to satisfy their sexual needs. No work at all. They just loose their drive to pursue you. Too much work. They just do not have to be nice to you. Little do they realize they are not getting that human connection that we need in life. If you ever want to feel special, respected loved or desired you will never get it from your porn addict. You will never be happy without that. 😔

Take a Stand
by: Anonymous

I am just currently divorced. I was married for 12 years and caught him multiple times. But just can't take the pain of catching him anymore. I have a 2yr, 5yr, and 8yr old.

Hey, They Get So Good at Lying
by: Anonymous

I'm the world's slowest procrastinator, because I've stayed in this pitiful marriage for 43 years! He has blamed me, and has ruined our marriage by using porn, abusing pain pills, and drinking. But his lies and passive aggression have made it impossible to be intimate in any manner. He won't even give me quality time together, which is my main Love Language! No, he'll never, ever change!

But guess who will? Me! Yes, at age 62 I'm walking away from a sicko with whom I had 2 kids! They're not able to launch and don't see how his addictions have affected me and them. My adult son sees nothing wrong with porn, and like dad, like son! I'm excited about my life now! I will be fine, I just lost so much precious time with that man! He is sick, but now I'm free of his lies!!!! I feel like a human being again, in just a few weeks after I left! Do not wait, ladies! You are worth much more!

Separated Because of Porn
by: Anonymous

I was married to my husband for 5 years, and with him for 10. I really have no problem with porn in general, but shortly after I got married I realized my husband's porn use was a little different than your average guy’s. For one, he was paying for it when there are a million free sites out there. I caught these charges several times throughout our marriage and found out what he was actually paying for was to video chat with someone. I felt betrayed, even a little cheated on, because our sex life was lack luster and he must have been more intimate with these women than he was capable of being with me. The last time I caught him before I chose to separate, he went through extra measures to deceive me and purchased a gift card at the store to cover what he was paying for. When I asked what the charge was, he lied about it. Finally, after two months of trying to figure out the secret, he came clean and I left. I'm heartbroken at the loss of my marriage and my husband and the life that could have been, but it wasn't fair to me to be with someone who was willing to lie to me, deceive me, and never put me first.

Why me
by: Anonymous

I’ve been married for 28 years. The very first time I caught my husband getting off to p*rn ...it felt like the female was right there in our home having sex with him... I never confronted him. As the years passed, he would get up in the middle of the night just to be on these sorry sites online. Well I can go on and on, but over the years he watches it every day and night until he goes to bed. I caught him so many times with his little medicine cups full of KY jelly so he can be unfaithful to some bit*h online. He’s a good provider and a good person and grandpa, but his nasty addiction is taking away my husband and broken our vows. I feel so alone as if I don’t even exist. There is no affection (I have to make him hug me) and almost no sex (every 6 months). I know he’s not going to stop watching.

This is not my life...I love life to the fullest...always putting God first and have prayed on it...I know in my heart and soul he’s not going to stop. I want out, but I do love him and really feel sorry for him because this is a sickness....but I’m exhausted and getting older and I have needs as a mature women of 51 years old. I am really nervous about starting over...should I discuss this with his mom before I leave him? I feel she really needs to know about her son. Why are there so many women going through this...what’s really going on?

Divorce is imminent
by: Anonymous

All the comments I've read give me zero hope of "fixing" his addiction. I've amped up the romance and for what? He's now using Pinterest and celebrity leaked photos. I even found about 30 pics of yoga pants shots! Is this his attempt at trying not to watch the hard-core stuff? I'm currently with him because I could not bear the thought of my nearly 14 year old daughter being destroyed by her father's addiction. I'm not sure I can do it though. For being a strong person... I sure feel weak.

Addicted from a young age
by: Anonymous

He started porn use at 15 when the internet was still dial up.

Within 3 months of marriage he started watching it whenever I was out of the house. And he wouldn't go on weekend hiking or canoe trips with me just so he could stay home and use.

He used to make me earn sex by giving him a bj every single time and it didn't bother him if we didn't have sex. So we just didn't very often because it was always all about him.

One evening he was drinking with his cousin and said he gets off better to porn. I should have left him right then and saved myself 4 more years of misery. Not only did I do all the work during sex, but he prefers porn anyway.

We separated twice over the next 7 years, and I found out he'd slept with over 18 women during our separations.

When our second daughter was born he didn't hold her. He was in the hospital for 10 minutes after she was born and told me he had to get ready for work. Later his computer was unlocked and I found out he left the hospital to go home and was Googling "live naked chat"

I also found out he'd been flirting with random friends on Facebook and going for coffee with women he'd been with in the past... while I was 7 months pregnant with our second child.

Porn is the reason I lost a husband, my husband lost a family, and my children lost a dad. He became addicted young and it destroyed everything he could have had.

I'm sick of reading people say, well, surely porn was just a symptom and it can't really be the cause of hundreds of thousands of divorces every year. If the woman says it caused her divorce because it made the relationship unsatisfying, then that's what caused the divorce.

I think she can decide for herself what is making the relationship unbearable.

The Rabbit Hole
by: Lisa S

My husband was never honest with me about his porn addiction. The subject came up when we were dating. Simply put, it was something he said he had been exposed to when he was younger. Wrong. He had been heavily involved for 25 years. He was very good at keeping his secret until escalation took him to places that will change his life forever. I begged him to get help. Threatened divorce. He lost a job he loved. He refused to get help until the day he was released for jail. He has plead guilty to two counts of child porn possession. He will be a registered sex offender for the rest of his life. The moral of this story, if your partner is unwilling to get help, this problem only escalates. Take care of yourself. We are now divorced. He is getting help. Wishes he could take everything back. This problem left unattended does not have a happy ending.

He relapsed AGAIN
by: Anonymous

Because of his porn addiction I felt I lost myself, I lost hope and belief in good in the world.

Don't know what to do.
by: G

My husband of 12 years always watches porn. He has made so many promises and even swore on our Child’s life that he would never do it again. Then I found his phone and saw he had deleted his internet history and I knew he had been watching it again. He had the nerve to call me a lie and deny it until the next morning when he admitted it to me. I've really had enough this time and don't think I can ever forgive him again. I am nearly 12 weeks pregnant and feel vulnerable already. My last pregnancy was so stressful and I'm so scared I might have problems again with this pregnancy. I feel sick that he could do this to me again and especially while I'm pregnant. I feel so unattractive and have lost all my confidence because of him. I do love him but I don't know whether I could ever let him touch me again or whether I could ever forgive him. I don't know what to do.

He prefers porn over me.
by: Victoria

Hi. I strongly believe my husband of seven months is addicted to porn. I knew he watched before we met and while we were dating. He says he ONLY watches it like twice a week. I recently grabbed his phone to google something (while he was sitting next to me), and when I opened up his browser there was like 6 porn sites open. I said I thought he was obsessed with porn but he vehemently denies it and turns it back on me calling me a weirdo and saying I'm paranoid. The only reason it really bothers me is because he does it, then lies about it or tries to cover it up, and because he never seems to want to be intimate with me. He does have sex with me but I believe it's only because he feels obligated to because he knows how physical touch and intimacy are my number one love language. I believe he would just rather watch the porn. There are many precipitating factors that lead me to believe he's addicted- just too many to spell out here. Am I just paranoid? Any advice/help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.

Divorcing a porn addict
by: Anonymous

I am currently separated from my husband who I married only on July 25 of this year. Stupid me; I had left him before because of his addiction, but he did not keep his word about not viewing it. Never, ever think someone will change because they never do! You cannot live a life of watching them and checking all the time.

Help!! What do I do.
by: Anonymous

We have 2 kids and married for 9 years now. We rarely have sex and sometimes he turns me down… If I turn him down he would get angry and leave the room. Generally speaking in front of the kids he is fine and loving. We were in counselling for the lack of intimacy and for his seasonal depression he goes though each year which left me feeling alone in my marriage… I went to personal therapy as well in which the man told me based on his behavior it wouldn't surprise him if he had an addiction to porn…. so I added a program to see what he is looking on line and found that almost every DAY/Night he will spend about 5 minutes looking at porn. How do I approach him on this without him finding out how I know???? Is there any hope for this marriage? I want to be wanted, I want intimacy and love…. worst thing about this is that I found an attraction to someone else and an affair has happened… Please give me some advice!!!!

It never ends
by: Anonymous

I was married for almost 15 years. After infidelity and a decade plus of being told his porn addiction was my fault I gave the ultimatum. He chose porn over me and his 4 kids.
I was always faithful to him, but now he is spreading lies that I cheated. He lied to the cops and got me arrested. He lied to my bosses and tried to get me fired and attempted to make me lose my accreditations.
I still have to share my kids with him since the court won't let me talk about the marriage prior the original divorce 5 years ago. I was too scared and ashamed then. The last year of our marriage became physically abusive, but I lied for him so he could keep his job. I was on crutches for a year. I never called the cops and I never told the medical people the truth because he worked at that hospital.
I'm stuck. I can't date because he lies to the court and my family about every guy who sticks around more than 6 months. I can't leave town, and have my kids too, because he put it in the divorce that the kids have to attend the local schools.
I'm screwed for the next 12 years. Ladies tell the truth and get all you can the first time. Don't leave him any ties to you, if you can!!!

Lied to and Deceived
by: Anonymous

I have just separated from my husband of three years and we will be divorcing. He was the love of my life but after being married 1 1/2 years, I discovered he was addicted to porn. We never had a normal sex life...he was always rough and distant. Now I realize why.

I have stayed with him for over a year after the discovery, hoping that he would get help. Three weeks ago I discovered him watching perverted violent videos and I decided at that moment that I could not stay in the house one more moment. I sold everything when I married him and moved into his house, so I am starting over again at 58 years of age. I cannot financially afford to be here at this stage of my life but I refuse to live with someone who disrespects me and refuses to get help. He is in complete denial.

He is going to end up a very sad, lonely old man and it is painful as we had a very good marriage otherwise.

SEVEN MONTHS LATER
by: Anonymous

Seven (7) months ago I posted my comments and let me tell you I had forgotten how miserable I was! Seeing in print makes me feel FANTASTIC because I made the right decision. I was able to move out and get my own place. Furniture and financial stress is NOTHING to the HORRIBLE existence of being without a porn-addicted, passive/aggressive jerk!

Thank you for posting my comment! Hindsight is 20/20

Mine was addicted!
by: Anonymous

I am still married. We have 2 kids and I’m currently pregnant. He is on the internet constantly… downloading nasty images of animation girls. Watches anime movies constantly, some are pretty risqué. I asked him to stop right away. He said no, I found out I was pregnant and he doesn’t care if I stay or go. He won’t stop. He lies about the smallest things and won’t go to counseling to help. He purchased a 6' tall anime girl figures, one comes with 4 sets of interchangeable boob sizes... It’s sickening. We have been married 6 years and together for 7. I’ve had to deal with his internet obsession or "other women" for all this time. It’s like a slap in the face. He finds nothing wrong with it. I come from a strong Christian background. To me it’s unacceptable. We are separated now, but it’s only been a few days. It kills me inside to know I mean nothing to him… He chose this garbage over me and my 2 soon to be 3 kiddos. My heart bleeds...

Lies, his online addiction and in-laws from hell
by: Anonymous

One month after our honeymoon, I discovered he had a severe addiction to p*rn. In addition, I discovered he was a paying member of adult swingers’ site! He'd prefer to get-off to this filth than make love to his real life wife!! I was devastated, betrayed and humiliated. He was doing God knows what cybersex while I drifted off to sleep.

His mother and twin sister were a nightmare. They were bossy, controlling, and demanding. He would always take their side and not make me a priority. I put him up in the home I had prior to marriage and he lived there rent free and mortgage free while he continued to support his mother’s mortgage. They had a joint property, business relationship he said. Queen mother-in-law did not work, but lived off her husband, son and me!

I got pregnant and lost the baby. His twin sister was pregnant at the same time. She shoved her pregnant belly in her brother’s face and exclaimed "look the baby kicking!" Husband said I was jealous of his sister! Outrageous or what!!!

Ditto
by: Anonymous

Do you think the men we have been involved with are confused and yet have a more male side and were raised in environments that didn't allow their female side (say decorating) to live? I wonder since the person I am divorcing spent excessive amounts of money to make sure he had the biggest and “best” toys, yet freaked when I wanted a new dining room set.

I share the same story as the rest of you and could kick it up a few notches.

Get a good therapist and don't look back no matter your age or IQ :)

No way You Can Beat My Story
by: Anonymous

I lost any desire to spend my life with the man I thought was the dream of my life. Less than a month after we married, I accidently found the CD where the woman was giving him "head" for about 15 minutes. All the feelings and hopes were ruined in a matter of seconds. Later he told it was his ex-girlfriend (who was also his first love). But does it really matter when the picture of my husband and some B-TCH blowing him froze in my memory for 6 years? In all together, he is p*rno-addict and loves to please himself while I am sleeping, pretending not to see what he does. I wish I could save a video of him in action to show in front of the court when he calls me an unfit mother for the child I love more than anything in life.

Addiction/Abuse
by: Anonymous

This is so common now that I believe it is some sort of disorder that needs a name. These men are a combination of: manic/depressive and often bi-polar. I thought I was 1 in a million until I started searching the web and found so many similar stories on various support group sites. I wish you the best with your decision.

Passive/Aggressive
by: Anonymous

WOW! After 2 weeks of being married I brought up his p*rn addiction. We were having no sex because he'd rather get off on p*rn. After several disagreements or concerns I brought to his attention he would put up the wall, sleep on couch, and not eat the food I served. Finally, he would get over his tantrum and blame everything on me. Talk about being Passive/Aggressive! Makes me crazy! This went on for four months and several of these sulking tantrums and being blamed for everything in the relationship.

Last night he went way below the belt and was verbally abusive. I am in a financial bind and it is going to be very difficult to get on my feet. I wish I could stay until I could save some money to get on my feet. However, if I went home I would be condoning his behavior! I sold all my furniture and moved into his place. He also told me that his health was failing and that he wasn't going to be able to have sex. I don't believe this! He would rather watch this filth than be in reality.

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