Too much Negativity

by Betty M
(Miami, Fl.)

Thirty years of marriage and never did I think that I would be debating on whether to divorce or not. Every week, there is another problem, the negativity far out-weighs the good times.

As a former flight attendant and model, I became ill with breast cancer, followed by an emergency hysterectomy and also a 3 level spine fusion. I spend most of my time on ice; 6 months of steroid injections caused a 30 pound weight gain and he is turned off.

He tells me this on a regular basis. But, the irony is that pre-illness I was 5'5, 105 pounds and looked like Farrah Fawcett. He had his FIRST affair when I was 25 years old and pregnant with our second son. I am currently dieting and going to the gym for ME, not for HIM but for ME. YES, he has gone from a 32" waist to a 42" waist but let’s not discuss that, apparently its ok for him but not for me.

He is an attorney and opened up his own practice. I gave up my career to work for him as his office manager; attending his trials and so much more. Meanwhile, I never missed one of our sons' baseball or football games. Sick or not, I was and still take an active role in their lives.

My husband talks to both of our sons' about how miserable he is being married to me, a nail in his coffin as I have begged him NOT to bring our sons' into this. They are now 27 and 23 years old; no matter the age, it pains them and is very unfair what he does. I truly believe that there are 3 sides to every story; yours, mine, and then theirs is the truth.

I find that keeping a journal has helped me a lot. When in doubt, I go back to my journal and work on myself but NO longer for him but for MYSELF. I realize every day that life is short and I cannot allow myself to be controlled by him anymore. I accept that I babied him and once I slowed down, our marriage tanked as well.

I wish ALL of you the very best given the misery that we face. Thank God we can work on getting ourselves out of the "rut".

Comments for Too much Negativity

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He thinks it's ok to call me names...
by: Elaine

I don't know where to start. We met when I was 23. We dated for a year and split up over something silly. But even then, we had big fights and his anger was out of control. I chalked it up to being young and stupid.

Years passed and we eventually found each other. I thought time may have matured him. He had his own home, paid off car, and a good job. We started dating again and things were good. I got pregnant and things moved quickly. We were no longer young so we felt it was time to settle down. My children I had from a previous marriage and I moved in with him and his own teen (she and I get along fine btw). We got married before I started showing. Soon after, things went downhill quickly. While I was pregnant we had horrendous verbal fights. He called me ugly names like stupid fat cow, ugly fat b@$%&.

Skipping forward, our son is now 3 and my husband hasn't changed. Sometimes I think he is bipolar. When he is nice, he is loving and says kind things. But he can quickly turn on us. He is emotionally abusive, verbally abusive, and controlling. I keep the house clean. Everyone asks how is it our home is so spotless, smells great and is warm and inviting.

But he is constantly putting me down. The house is never clean enough for him. I'm lazy, fat, stupid, the list of names go on. And twice he has physically yanked something out of my hands. I fear one day he is going to hit me. My teenage daughter who is the only one living at home besides the toddler, dreads him coming home from work. And so do I!

When we first got married, I had a car which was paid off, and worked. My car broke down and he refused to get it fixed so I lost my job and now have no income. I know in my heart this is his way if making it so I can't leave. How can I? No income, no car, no way to support myself and my kids and no place to go. If I had the means, I would be gone tomorrow. I have been sleeping on the couch for 2 weeks now. I am so miserable and depressed and have tried talking this out to him and he tells me if I don't like it, I know what to do. He says this knowing we have nowhere to go.

I'm stuck. Miserable and stuck at the age of 37. I feel like a helpless loser. He has put me down so much I have lost my independence and self-confidence. I don't know what to do anymore...
Mine never grew up!
by: Lisa

At first it was the little things, like complaining I would not wake him up to go to work. As time goes by, it was a little more about priorities, like food and diapers. Then there were the odd verbal insults. His family would talk to him as if I wasn't there. He would consider his mother father and sister first over our children and me. He decided to stay at his mother’s home during the week and come home on the weekend. He would refuse to get a job in the city that we supposedly live in. He would hand me a little bit of money for the week and then be gone.

Near the end of the relationship he became verbally insulting to me and almost physical. He was not a supporting husband and father. He would sit on the computer and not communicate to the children or me. He was so insulting to me, and with 3 children and 1 one on the way, I had to choose between my children and making sure that we had food on the table, or a man who wasn't blood and thought his mother, father, and sister came first.

I also felt that I was raising a grown man. He was becoming selfish and threatening. We separated for years in the hopes that he would wake up and smell the coffee. However, he added one more thing to the list; Infidelity - with a crazy woman, which is another story in itself…

Once you marry it is children first, spouse second and other relatives third. When you marry it is supposed to be that you work together and support one another. It is not supposed to be a one-sided relationship. It takes hard work on both sides. If one shows no interest and expects the other to carry all the weight, then the marriage will fail.
My husband never defended me
by: Cindy

My marriage broke up because of lack of communication or rather, a communication break-down. My husband never defended me when it came to his family. He always defended his family. He was emotionally abusive and he raged when I'd try to talk to him, even when his nephews were abusing our daughter. They would physical hit her. Exclude her from games. Leave her out. It was heart breaking. Our marriage broke up because he relapsed and came home "strung out on drugs" and I couldn't expose my daughter who was 7 yrs. old at the time to that. I kicked him out and filed for divorce.
Yeah, negativity is what dragged our marriage down too
by: Wendy

The thing is, reading these stories - similar in tone to how I would write - I see that it is still possible to open up the relationship to appreciation through some counseling. It isn’t as if something major really stopped - it's more like a slow grinding down. Eventually, it will lead to an affair and that will be that. So, there is still hope.

That's how I feel about my marriage - though my husband has given up hope.

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