Submission No More!
My story is so convoluted; I don’t really know where to start. My husband and I met eight years ago on the internet. When we discovered that we actually lived in the same city, we decided to meet in person instead of talking on the computer all the time. We hit it off right away and our relationship really started out fast in terms of intimacy and moving in together. Partly because his roommates kicked him out after he lost his job. I had a house and I had been laid off but was receiving a severance and unemployment.
Right from the beginning things were "alternative" in our lifestyle. I was a submissive and he was a dominant. For me, I think it was more a fascination or curiosity of the lifestyle maybe. Maybe it was that my weight didn't seem to matter to him. Maybe I was just trying to be whatever someone wanted me to be so I wouldn't be alone. Maybe it was all of the above, but whatever it was, it worked for a while.
We were married six and half years ago and moved to his home state. As time went on and I continued to do more and more to make our life work – mowing the grass, doing the dishes, working a job that demands more than full time hours, going to school, doing the laundry, cleaning the house, taking care of the cars and taking care of the motorcycles, I started to get burned out and realize that there seemed to be less and less of me that was submissive anymore. He found online adult websites and in one month spent over $800 on it.
Three years ago in January, I had Gastric Bypass surgery and have since lost 215 pounds. Needless to say, along with the weight loss and all the psychotherapy that went along with that, I am a completely different person than I used to be. (Being 400 pounds, invisibility is your ultimate goal and I was good at it. I was for my whole life!) I no longer have any interest in the kink lifestyle at all – but let me say this is after years of trying to find the happy medium between that and loving. I got tired of being the only one to give and do what he wanted – I would wear what he wanted, be who he wanted, etc. But he would not wear something as simple as silky boxers, or get dressed up to go out on New Year’s Eve (and I have asked every year).
I have also found that I like to have friends. I have found that I have an outgoing personality and I like to be busy doing things. I am no longer content to sit on the couch 365 days a year and watch reality TV. I have found that people like to hang out with me – they actually invite me to things because they want to and not because they feel obligated to. Wow!! Who would have ever thought that I could have friends?
During one of his hunting trips this year, I pulled the pillows up from between the mattress and the headboard of the bed and pushed the mattress back. When he got home he came unglued! “Whose pillows are these???” “Uh, they are your pillows!” He actually thought that I had slept with someone in our bed! This wasn’t the first time he’d accused me either.
So after years of prodding, he finally agreed to go to couples therapy. I have been trying so hard for so long to get him to go to counseling, that I had a feeling it was too late for it to do any good. He’s lying to the therapist – which helps nobody. He lies to our friends about stupid things! He lies just to lie and I don’t get it. But in our first appointment, we talked about the trust issues and how he felt I was cheating on him. Come to find out, he’s extremely jealous of the attention that I get now – people telling me how great I look, and also of the way other men look at me. He’s extremely mistrustful of me as well. When he’s hunting, he wonders what’s going on at home! I don’t even notice other men. He is the love of my life – why would I care what other men think? Both of these felt like a punch in the gut.
Christmas day sucked! He woke up and treated me with disrespect the whole morning. When we got to his brother’s house, a misunderstanding led to a screaming match because he couldn’t just explain to me what he was thinking. I misunderstood and he flew off the handle at me. He pretty much ignored me the rest of the day.
Two days after Christmas he demands that we have this talk – on the way to a friend’s house to exchange gifts. Well, to make the conversation short, he thought that making a phone call to follow up on something I asked him to do 18 months ago would fix everything and we should make up. He still doesn’t understand that I want to feel loved. There is a difference between sex and making love. It’s something I have been trying for years to get him to understand.
So, brutal honesty is the only thing left. I can’t worry about how it might make him feel or if I will hurt his feelings. After being told that if I am not willing to go along with his desires then we have problems. I decided that was sort of the final straw. It does a number on you when you realize that the alternative lifestyle is more important than you are to a man you have loved for so long. I have known it I guess, but to hear him say it is something else.
I met with the lawyer today, and how things proceed is pretty much up to him. I am going to seek a dissolution of marriage - no trial needed, no fighting...but if he's not agreeable then we have to go to a divorce and that involves courts, judges and more lawyers. So let's hope he feels as I do, and that we can get this done with as little pain as possible. I'm not looking to hurt him or make his life hard... but I do want fair terms for both of us.
Now I just need to figure out how to ask him to move out. I don't plan on keeping his things from him. I'm just not built that way. So he doesn't have to take everything all at once. He can maybe stay with a brother until he finds a place and then we can move his stuff. Since we are underwater on the house, I am assuming a debt by keeping it. Hopefully he won't fight me on that. I'm willing to share the dogs, they are our furry children.
I do realize also that the change in my preference for a loving relationship, as opposed to how we started out, has contributed to the failure of our relationship. I accept that the person I have worked so hard to become is not the same one he married, but it is me and he does not seem to like it. I don't believe that the changes are bad changes, but I am different. People do change...or should change as life changes. Hanging onto that teenage attitude of sex controlling everything important in your life at the age of 45, I don't see as a healthy thing. But I could be wrong! Maybe it's me who's got it all wrong...but whatever the case, we don't seem to be on the same page anymore.
I am beyond being scared, I am just exhausted. I have nothing left to give this marriage. I am not mad, I don’t hate him and I don’t wish bad things for him. I hope he will continue therapy on his own and deal with his issues. I hope that what he learns from this relationship will help him to build stronger ones in the future. He is the love of my life and I will always love him I suppose.
At this point, I have no desire to date. I have no other person in mind. I do plan on continuing to work on myself, continue going to school, working on my hobbies and learning how to sew! I do plan to keep building the friendships that I have started and I plan to keep having fun discovering new things about who I am and I may occasionally even wear a skirt that’s probably too short for someone my age – but I will do it because I can! For the first time in my life, I am having fun with clothes.