Still Trying to Figure It Out

by Chaunte
(Clearwater)

We married young, I was 20 and he was 21. We dated for two years before we got married but we've known each other since early teen years. We were each other's first and only during this time. I thought we had a good marriage. It could have been better. We have an 8 year old child.

But almost 14 years into our marriage he confessed to cheating with a friend of mine. After we talked it out, I forgave him. We mutually decided that we should get everything out that we felt were mistakes made and learn from them as we move forward. I did just that. So we started "dating again".

During this time, my love for him was renewed, but his love for me diminished. He began to hold on to the mistakes I made in past that mostly involved my pride. I had previously acknowledged those faults and worked to correct them going forward. He couldn't and wouldn't and still hasn't let go of them.

Those flaws are the only things he sees in me and as a result he cheated again, but this time it has grown into a relationship. He doesn't see the support I gave him and how I was always there for him and kept our household going and wanted to do the same things that he did so we could be together. In his eyes, my flaws far outweighed any good I did for him and our family as a whole.

So he left me after three months of "dating" and me trying to heal from the original betrayal. Now I find out he has a girlfriend and she's moving in with him. In comparing me to her now all of a sudden everything was wrong with me including he couldn't make me happy, I didn't respect him, our love life was boring, he didn't feel wanted or needed or loved by me etc. I feel that he is selfish and it’s about what he can get from a relationship instead of what can I contribute to making this relationship better. I honestly don't think that our marriage should be ending in divorce. Now I have to deal with a new woman in his life and now the role she will play in our child's life.

I was willing to look at the first indiscretion as a wake-up call for me and to work it out. I thought he was on the same page. But instead of him trying to make me feel better and make it up to me as he was unfaithful, I found myself trying to prove to him why he should stay with me and working on improving myself which I felt would improve our marriage. He says that we talked about these things over the years, which was true to a degree. But I felt that if it was still bothering him to the point that he felt that he needed to seek this love and affection and everything else from someone else, then he should have brought it to my attention.

I regret my mistakes, but I can't change them and none of them were earth shattering nor an excuse for cheating. I couldn't change the past but I could fix it for the future so that we could live out our vision of growing old together. But two people have to fight and want it the same, not just one. So from my perspective I think our communication could have been better and resolved most of these issues. But I'm sure from his perspective there were many reasons.