Separate beds and emotionally unavailable

by Alyssa
(Midwest)

We were rarely intimate and I’m tired of being lonely. How many times did I feel like he wants to make love all the time, or he won’t leave me alone? How about never! I waited to marry and waited to have children until we could be financially ready for those responsibilities. He was highly educated, handsome in lots of ways, could do almost anything... except share intimacy with me.

At first, I did all the self-improvement to try and get him to come around. Nothing! So does this mean he is having an affair, or is he gay? Nope! Okay, let's do counseling? He'd make a plan or two, but there was always some reason he was too tired. Okay, health issue? Who knows?
Now, after 20 years and intimacy absent for years, I search to reconnect my life and my needs for intimacy. I know that all of the emotional support thru my divorce will be on my shoulders for the children, as he will remain clueless as to their pain. His sudden need to spend a lot of time with church friends is excessive, and this will be his tidy reason for being emotionally absent with me. He can say we did not have the same beliefs, and he can go on being unaccountable due to ideology.

So, to all those women like myself that have lived years in separate beds, or who are experiencing few or no romantic evenings with laughter and anticipation of intimacy, I have been there. I am a creative, bright 48 year old that will begin again, wanting to look forward, convinced that life is too brief to be alone and lonely while married. He was emotionally unavailable.
I know there are some ladies who will ask why I stayed for so long. I believed we could work it out, enjoy date nights, or reawaken to deeper connection once the kids were out of diapers. It looked from the outside all was working. But all my interventions and ideas would never lead him to need me, want me.

The process of wanting a divorce has been long. Now I seek to reenter the workforce, build a life with friends of similar interest, and find what it is like to have a caring companion. I have missed that part of a relationship for too many years.

Comments for Separate beds and emotionally unavailable

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Get out and be happy!
by: Life-Is-Short

My partner of five years has decided to sleep alone. This is after 2 years of him being cold and unfeeling, showing no interest in being intimate with me at all, after being just the opposite of when we first met. Ladies, being with an emotionally unavailable man is a nightmare. You feel that you are not desirable as a woman, feeling that you have no confidence in your looks or abilities, and no self-esteem. This is a form of mental cruelty and abuse from a partner who is totally unworthy of my love.

I have always treated him with respect throughout this relationship. I have been faithful to him, always made sure I looked my best, and gave him a lovely home to live in. This is obviously not appreciated in any way. I think it’s Him that has the problem, not me.

Leave the desert and find your Oasis of Life. Life is short.
Not feeling like a woman
by: Mallory

I’ve been in this same boat for the last 8 years, married for 11. Although we had a lot of laughs and good times, and travelled and have three kids, 8 and 4 years old twins, all conceived in a lab. Physical intimacy was three times a year that he initiated, lasted for no more than one minute, sometimes not even getting to the point. When I would come on to him he would say he's tired, sometimes get angry with me for trying. I've felt so rejected. The balance was there because we would play games and laugh, and generally loved each other. And he takes care of me and is romantic at times. He is a great husband and great father.

The decision to leave has been the most difficult. Sometimes I think I’m not trying hard enough. But I don't even want him physically anymore. I just want to be free. But the kids are young and I’m so afraid of hurting them and their future. I’m afraid of losing my best friend who I’ve loved for a long time and still love. But I just can’t do this for another ten years. I feel like I will slowly die if I stay with him. So I don't know how to go and I don't know how to stay. I love my little family but I don't think my husband is interested in me anymore.

The balance shifted after the twins were born. He checked out for a long while. In that time I was pleading for counseling or for him to sit and talk to me, touch me, anything. By the time he came around it was too late. Something inside me just didn't want to be around anymore. Something inside me is not in love with him anymore. This is the saddest and hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
No affection for 30 years!!!!
by: Marilyn

There’s been no affection for 30 years--ever since I was forced to leave our bed due to his snoring. I am so tired of this "marriage". He is not emotionally mature. Our kids are grown but I am in my 70's. Is it too late to leave? The only affection I get is from our grandchildren! He acts as if nothing is wrong and wants to join church groups as a couple. This is so fake and I won't stand for it. He also is so immature as far as getting along with other people (he embarrasses me a lot) and for this reason have declined to join any group with him. He is clueless!
It's so painful
by: Tess

It's so hard to be the wife whose husband doesn't want physical intimacy, or refuses to get into it when you initiate, or who can't seem to "finish" when the rare occasion happens. It's made so much worse by the societal expectations that it is the man who "needs" it all the time, and the woman who lovingly has to put him off. How many friends would be shocked to learn that my husband never wanted to fool around with me! So am I a freak or so totally undesirable? Or, is it actually something with him?

I was happy to blame myself until the day I walked in on him in his man cave, fumbling to pull up his underwear as he sat in front of his laptop. I'm not a prude, but it was so shocking and painful for me to see that he preferred himself to me in every way. Even though I filed for divorce, I'm still beating myself up, struggling to be at peace with my decision, worried how the kids (teens--we've been married nearly 20 years) will take it, etc...

Making love was great in the beginning, but he was content to wait for more than a month, which I originally thought meant that he respected, even loved me. But now I'm wondering if it wasn't his low desire for coitus! It has been such a lonely, awful marriage. I never would have guessed how important true sexual intimacy is. It's the glue.
Your story is my story
by: Brandy P

Filing for divorce this week for exactly what you describe. Thank you for making me feel like I'm not alone.
I'm thinking about getting a divorce
by: kary

I have been married for 13 years, but we are completely different. We never spend time alone, do not sleep together, I work days and he works nights, plus we have tons of money problems. We hardly communicate because we have nothing in common. We also hardly make love.

He's 10 years older than me and I would like to separate since we are growing apart... We have tried many times to solve our situation and for a while things get better, but then they go back to the same... I do not want to wait until our kids are old enough to get a divorce. I'm 34. I guess at the same time I would feel guilty? So confusing!
I thought after our child grew up
by: Wasted 20 Years

I thought after our child grew up we would have more time to spend together. All I can say is that I wasted 20 years hoping things would change, which was wishful thinking. Instead the obvious happened; we grew apart and became strangers. I filed for divorce which is almost final, but I’m not sure what my next step is, which scares me beyond belief.

He painted a picture of perfection with his entire family and church friends - he could work a room like a politician, but at home he was mute. When I told 2 of his aunts we were divorcing [at his request], they were shocked. One aunt said, "I would have thought anything but divorce from you guys. Men are weak. I'm sure you destroyed him as a man by asking him for a divorce." Her last statement blew me away. No one had ever been concerned about me or my happiness, but now I destroyed him.

I catered to him for 20 years and now it is time for me to cater to myself, find out who I am, and what makes me happy. It seems like a very difficult task and I hope to figure it out soon because I have no idea who I am.
Good to know I’m not alone
by: Christi

This has been a constant struggle for me for 16 years. I saved myself for my husband and our romantic life has gone downhill since we married. I'm not the wife with the headache. He's just not interested in me. I've caught him looking at online smut a few times over the years and know of one time he went to a men's club. I'm not sure what else he's been up to.

There's been one case of alcohol abuse that I know of. He got drunk at a ballgame with my 6 year old son about 6 months ago. The police called me to come get him. I'd never even seen him drunk before. There's no trust here. I don't know who this man is when he's not with me. I don't know what to do. He doesn't want divorce but why would he? He travels with his job and can live like a single guy and show up with his picture perfect family at church on Sunday mornings. We've been married almost 16 years, 2 boys ages 4 and 7. I'm so unhappy and exhausted from trying to figure out what he's up to. Wish I knew I could survive a divorce...
A future with Love
by: BlueEyes143

Dear Anastasia, yes I understand. My husband is an attorney, too. During the daylight he will say he is ready and willing to be closer; night comes and goes with empty promises for another day! Even the occasional bit of alcohol does not soften nor realize intentions, so I understand, really I do. Well, I hope for you a fair separation/divorce, really, thinking the best. Soon the days will be clearer and easier in terms of your broken heart. You have endured so much. I know the loneliness so great. But soon it will pass. Remember to take care of yourself and let your friends support you, even when you’d rather not!
My husband is emotionally unattached
by: Anastasia

My husband doesn’t know I’ll be seeing a divorce lawyer so we can get a separation this next month. After 21 years of marriage and 3 children, there is nothing left because he is emotionally detached. He doesn’t like to be touched and there has been very little communication or physical contact between us for the last 5 years.

We’re currently in marriage counseling (the third time for the same reason) and he says he’ll do anything to save the marriage. But yet, he still won’t give me any affection. I need to be touched and held to feel like I’m loved and he knows this.

I am so exhausted and completely done with this relationship. But I’m worried about our kids and how they’ll get through this. And how will I get a fair divorce if my husband is a lawyer?
Intimacy, we deserve it!
by: BlueEyes143

Dear Alyssa, when I read your words I felt EXACTLY like you describe.... Waiting, trying, and emotionally willing but very little in return. Yes, the "dance" was supposed to become a waltz, I know. And nothing can awaken emotionally immature spouses. They just don’t get it, until it’s too late!! Then as it all unravels through divorce, their ugly hurtful feelings come to the surface-- so easily!!!

I just hope along the way you are ready for intimacy again, it can happen, beautifully! We are deserving of connectedness and kisses!

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