Sacrificing Motherhood

I paid for everything and he’s decided he doesn’t want kids. I pay ALL the bills, clean the house, work 9 1/2 hours a day, do the grocery shopping and cooking. I drive an hour to work and he drives 20 minutes. I do it all, he is spoiled. We aren’t divorced yet, but I know this way of life is BS!! He won’t give me passwords to his checking account or the combination to our safe that has both our documents in it. He can never give me a straight answer about the money he has or makes. I don’t see how he could love me.


All I ever wanted out of life was a house and a family (with kids of my own). He recently admitted he doesn’t want kids. I’m not sure he would be into the father thing anyway if we have them because he barely tries to have a relationship with the ones he has (he is divorced with two children). I have to push him to spend time with them and go to their softball games and remind him to ask about important events. He doesn’t think of this on his own. Is it him or just being a man?

And the fact that he is ten years older than me makes me more frustrated because it feels like I am living with a whiney 14 year-old who I have to coax to be responsible. Not a grown man who can take care of himself and be a leader.

His priorities are so F***d up. I’m giving up on the fact he will see the light. I don’t think I’m been asking too much. It wasn’t always like this with him. After we got married (4 years ago) he seriously changed, stopped trying and doing all the things he that made me love him. I feel like I’ve been blind-sided and I was dating/engaged to him for 8 years before that.

I’m just trying to figure out what the next step is. This relationship doesn’t seem worth sacrificing being a mother for. He knows that’s important to me. He won’t even consider adoption or artificial insemination (complications from his vasectomy). He says kids will just make everything worse and they are the reasons people get divorced.

We can’t even talk and worse, we can’t even fight. He shuts down as soon as there’s a conflict. So I have to just get over it, but things only get worse.

I’m at a loss on how to leave. I think that’s where I’m at right now.

Comments for Sacrificing Motherhood

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Have a kid - trust me
by: Proud Momma

If you want a baby, have a baby. Period. If he's not on board with this plan find another way to make motherhood happen- insemination, baby with a friend, foster, adopt, etc. Don't give up your happiness for him. You only get one shot at life.

I type this lying next to the most beautiful 7 month old (sleeping) boy I have ever seen. I am just shy of 40 years old and nearly missed out on this experience because my husband decided after we got married 2 years ago he changed his mind on wanting a kid (I was very upfront before we married that I wanted a child). I ended up getting pregnant anyway and while he has been nothing but a lazy selfish leech this entire marriage (so bad, I'll spare you the details but I too pay all the bills including car insurance… what are we their mothers?) I will NEVER regret this baby. I'm working full time, planning a divorce, and am basically a single mom and I have never been happier. This baby grew my heart 3 sizes like the Grinch. He doesn't even DO anything and he's still the coolest person I've ever met in my life. :)

I don't think women need a baby to be fulfilled. I would never tell someone how to live her life. But you know how when you have a really tasty treat and you want people to try it too? You want to share that joy? Sacrificing Motherhood, if you are really hungry for it, I want you to try being a mom. Because it’s delicious :)
Regret
by: Rilee

I have a husband like you describe. He told me he wanted to have so many children. However, when I got pregnant, he was already doing nothing around the house, not helping pay bills, sitting on the couch drinking beer while complaining that I didn't cook something to his standards. Even though he said he wanted kids, he was not willing to help with it at all (not even willing to quit drinking until I got pregnant), nor support me if I chose to stay at home (with all the many kids he supposedly wanted). I had a miscarriage and then told him, if he wants kids, he can go find someone else. He said he loves me and doesn't want someone else. But, I should've been the one to say I want to have kids but with someone else.

I regret, to this day, staying in a lonely marriage and not having kids. He has made changes over the years and I give him credit for that because none of us is perfect (which was one of the reasons I've stayed - I know I'm not perfect, either. However, I know there are decent, caring men who would take being in a relationship seriously). Relationships are difficult enough without the added stress of being treated the way you (and many others) have. Respect yourself and your dreams.
Narcissistic Man
by: Bridget

I think you might be married to a narcissist. I didn't realize I was married to one until about a year ago and everything he did, how he acted makes so much sense. When we had kids, through the years, things have gotten worse. I stayed in the marriage because I believe it's for better or for worse, but then I found out he was living a double life.

I filed thinking it would be a wake-up call for him, but it was a wake-up call for me. He was involved in so many things I was not aware of. I live my life for my children. Always have. Just know if you have children with this man you will not get any help from him. I was a stay home mom, so that made it a little easier with taking care of them. If I had worked it would have been so difficult. It helps having a great support system like my parents and sisters, etc.
Getting the right help
by: Tyra

I can say that I never really thought about a divorce until the day it was laid out before me in divorce papers. I was shocked, stunned, but I immediately created a paper trail of important documents dating back to the beginning of my marriage and made sure I protected myself. That really was the best way to avoid any further damage to my life. I also hired a great lawyer and I'm now on to bigger and better things!
KINDA SOUNDS LIKE MY STORY
by: Miki

This one sounds a lot like my problem. My hubby did not want any kids. I loved him so much that I just didn't care. Now, as we approach almost 19 years together, he decides that I don't exist!
He punched me in the eye on July 4th of last year and he throws me down a lot and tells me I’m too old and fat for him and he wears a 3X! He drinks and we have no friends. He won’t meet any people with me, only people from HIS family will he "hang around with".

He punched my face and loosened my front tooth. He kicks me out of bed all of the time. I called the cops 2x on him, but didn't dare to have him arrested because he threatens me. He is going to retire in 2 years and I don't want "any trouble". Yet he gets drunk and gets online and meets people online and sneaks out of the house at night. He went and got a motel room a couple of weeks ago, then he came home and said "I made him leave"...

I'm so scared for my future. He makes most of the money. I work and all my money goes into the house. I spend VERY LITTLE on myself. HE wastes money like its water and is so selfish. He is in law enforcement so he is an EXCELLENT LIAR and he says that everyone loves him but me.
NO KIDS, NO LIFE, NO NOTHING.
3 months into divorcing mine! RUN!!!
by: Kendall

I'm 30 with a 4.5 year old boy. RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!!

If he can't help with the dishes (OR THE BILLS), he isn't going to help you with your child! Adopt a child or foster one that needs you.

Trust me! I have to give up my time with my son (who I have been with for 4.5 years every second of every day) because I still believe a boy needs his father even if I can’t stand his dad.

I still make it possible for them to see each other almost every day and that usually requires a lot of driving on my end because I walked out on Jan 28 with no intention of returning...called the moving guys on Sunday night and they were here on Monday... I had nothing packed so I took what I could and haven’t been back.

I wish my ex the best because I'm stuck with him for life, but it’s impossible to actually get along with someone you wouldn’t even be friends with now.

The only advice I have is to lower ALL expectations of him. He can’t hurt you if you don't expect him to help you.

Of course I wake up sweating every night at 5 am and I weigh about 107 pounds because of the stress, so I don't have a clue about what I’m doing except that I damn sure don’t miss him.
DON"T DO IT
by: Meghan

OMG! Your story is exactly mine. My husband is 15 years older than I am. I was feeling the same way, minus the wanting kids, and stayed hoping he would change. Well he didn't and it just gets worse. Men like this are so self-consumed they can’t see things from your point of view or anyone else’s. I've asked him to leave and am serious this time. Whatever happens will happen. I must get out because I'm losing myself.

Its abuse, my friend, of your self-worth and we are worth more. OMG look at all we do... what else can we give???

GET OUT! SAVE YOUR SELF!
Decision Time
by: Seattle Divorce Appraiser

If the relationship is not working before children come along, it certainly will not get easier after you have children! Decide what is most important to you and take a stand.
Don’t sacrifice motherhood if you still have a chance
by: Krystal

Please just leave this man and get on with your life. I was not married, but am leaving a 12 year relationship, so it feels like divorce. I wanted a family, but it was always not now. He was afraid, even though deep down I know he wanted children too. He is passive aggressive.

I recommend that any of you women who are dealing with a man who continually resists your needs to read about passive aggressive behavior. It opened my eyes. I have ended up at 43 finally deciding to leave the relationship, but I will never have children now. If you had a great relationship and didn’t agree on having children you should still leave, otherwise you will just resent him in the end...and it sounds like you have problems beyond the children issue. Take care of yourself and do what is right for you.
Sacrificing Motherhood
by: Gmarks

Hello,

I think you should try to pick up the pieces and move on. He isn't the man for you... He is a control freak...
This was my life!!!
by: Been there 2!

Please, oh please listen to the red flags, your instincts, and your heart!! This is my first time on the blog and I came across your writing! It was meant to be. My story is a lot like yours in regards to working, paying bills, checking accounts, etc.! I hope I’m not scaring you or projecting my feelings upon you. But here goes........

My husband did not want kids. We were married 5 years when I got pregnant. Then I had another child 1 1/2 years later. I waited until my oldest child was seven and now I'm in the middle of divorce. Things did not get better between my husband and me!!

If he doesn't want kids and you decided that you do, move on.
RUN
by: Tessa

Don’t waste another minute. He sounds like the person I’m divorcing. Definitely don’t have a child by him. If he can't give time for you or the relationship, he won't for child. Or if you do have a child, he will use your child as a pawn. And why do you work and pay all the bills. THE MORE YOU DO FOR A MAN THE LESS THEY WILL DO. Sadly I’m learning the hard way. Good Luck
It takes two...
by: Divorce Theft

... To be parents. You need to respect his choice of not having any more kids. Imagine he wanted kids, and you didn't.
Kick him to the curb!
by: twoofusBHAM

I have heard similar stories before. My best advice would be to kick him to the curb and get a real man. A real man will step up to the plate. It seems like men will do all they can to be on their best behavior before marriage. Once you are married, they don’t feel like they need to keep the love and romance alive. That’s why a lot of marriages fail. Men stop romancing their wives. It’s really sad how a lot of us women are misled.
Deep Regret
by: Sharae

Do not sacrifice being a mother for this Man. Your relationship, I am sorry to say, will only get worse.

The clock will tick and you will be out options. I had my son a week before my 40th birthday and then went into early menopause.

I thank god every day for my child, but am still so sad I could not have had more.

My husband made me wait and wait to get pregnant and never really got on board.

Now that we are divorcing, he is trying to take my son from me, and has told me he intends to remarry and have more kids with someone else.

Life is short. Do not miss out on your dreams for a man of your nightmares.

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