Rocky Toxic Marriage

by Beth
(NY NY)

My husband and I have been together since I was 15. He was my first love and we truly loved each other. Looking back, I realize we had children too young - I was 18 and he was 19. But during my pregnancy I changed and became cold and unloving. I have been that way ever since and it’s been eighteen years.


I kicked him out of the house almost every month of the year because of his lack of motivation to find a job, his weed smoking, my depression… If anything ever made me mad, I just would kick him out. He has cheated on me a couple of times and I’ve always taken him back because he has been remorseful. But now I see I would take him back and resent him more. I became emotionally abusive and was turning into someone I didn’t know.

It’s been eighteen years of this cycle and finally it’s ending. Two years ago, I kicked him out for the last time and he never returned. Physically he returned home but his heart he says is not here and this house doesn’t feel like home to him anymore. But still we have been separated through the weekends, but he would stay over through the week. We have finally acknowledged that this relationship was toxic and we were making each other very unhappy. But still I miss him and wish he would come back home permanently.

Since then I finally have sought professional help because I have been depressed since childhood and never realized that. I have been suffering from depression and just thought that was the way I naturally was. Now I’m just suffering because since he left two years ago we never really separated correctly and now he feels it’s really over.

And yes I can acknowledge it’s been over for years.

But we still fight over why it’s been so rocky and whose fault it is. It just goes on and on. I miss him, he will miss me and the kids, and we end up being together for a while until he realizes again that he doesn’t feel the same for me and we are not back together. Then I become more depressed and the cycle continues. It’s been a two year break up for an 18 year relationship. And I hope it doesn’t continue this way.

Comments for Rocky Toxic Marriage

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Toxic split after a bad marriage
by: Merry

We have all experienced the "honeymoon" phase. When you think this IS the one and he's so wonderful!! This was my second marriage. I was married almost 20 years the first time. I have been waiting for 18 months to finalize a divorce that should only should have taken maybe six months & cost a couple of grand. Oh my... we have spent more on attorney fees than we have value of marital property to split.

I found out from my mortgage company last June that my house payment was 93 days past due and he had just sent March's payment in 2 days before that. Funny, I called them back right after I heard it the first time because I could not believe what I had heard. Another customer service rep. told me the same thing. I think I actually stopped breathing. My husband was responsible for the mortgage payment and I was responsible for the utilities, groceries & etc. It worked out about 50/50. He tried to lie about it when I confronted him!! I tried to work with him, catch up payments, etc. but by August I could not live like this anymore.

I forced him out of the house and sat there until January when I had to leave due to foreclosure. This was like a "death" knowing I was going to lose my home (and my daughter’s home for 17 years). This was my home that my husband moved into, that I opened my door & heart to share with him.

He moved into a fully furnished home sitting on beautiful acreage and started taking the minute his shoes were under the bed. He liked to spend $$ on himself. He bought Harleys, the best of hunting equipment, took trips with the guys, etc. We went on trips but it was always with a group and where he wanted to go....

I've lost my job during this past 18 months. Thank God my parents were able to help me put a roof over my head. I'm grateful to still have my 19 year old furniture & my puppies. Miss Lacy is a 9 year old yellow lab and Bella is a 2 year old Bichon. If it wasn't for their love & devotion I'm not sure I'd even be half sane. My parents have both worked very hard all of their life and might seem comfortable to some financially, but they are just regular people who were smart with their money/investments/business.

He has actually tried to go after my parent’s money. He has brought them into the divorce as a 3rd party trying to prove my name is on their money, property, business, vehicles, etc. WHO DOES THIS??? He has tried to put me in jail numerous times over marital property I have in my possession. WHO DOES THIS??

I cannot wait until May. My attorney assures me this nightmare will be final then. I just want my soul & sanity back. This toxic relationship seems like it will never end...
2 decades together
by: 2decades together

It’s like I'm reading my own story, except I'm the one who left 20 days ago and took the kids. We’ve been married for 18 years, but have been together for 21 and it’s been toxic & rocky. We’ve had several month long breaks, but this feels different. He doesn't call or text me or the kids. There's no communication and its killing me. Our kids are devastated and confused.

I'm scared this is really it and I don't know how to be without him. I'm sure he doesn't feel the way he once did about me and that hurts a lot, though. I know I've made him feel the way he does by always throwing him out. I have issues from childhood that I took out on my husband. I've lost everything and don't know how to move on without him. I'm mortified.
38 years of control and abuse & 18 years of criminal activity
by: Robin

He was very controlling and verbally abusive to me and my 4 children. He was court ordered to go to anger management after my oldest called child protective services. Four years ago he was arrested for dealing prescription drugs and got off. Now 2 months ago my 2 others sons discovered my husband was dealing stolen guns and pot. My husband lied even though they could see the evidence. I kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce. My children won't talk to him and my daughter won't allow her 3 children to see him any more unless he stops all criminal activity and gets therapy, which he refuses. I have no choice. I can't be legally connected to him, although, I still love him.
Thanks
by: Sabrina

Thank you all. It’s great to know I am not alone.
"My Soul is Resting" - by KM Chinwe
by: KM's daughter

My mother wrote a book about how she overcame her divorce....with the intention of helping other women begin to heal and rebuild their lives. It's twisting seeing it through her eyes and me remembering it from when I was little. I feel this book may bless lives and understand that they are not the only ones going through such a painful divorce.
Disconnect from the Ex
by: Regina

The advice on this website says the worst thing you can do is to go back and forth with the relationship with your ex. You have to establish your own life without him. I can tell you this, but it's been the hardest part of my divorce as well, because the old-familiar is way too comfortable.

If I were you (and I am in some ways, going through a similar problem) I would find a new hobby, try a support group, go somewhere and hang out with new friends or old friends. I have signed up to be a Big Sister and I'm so excited because it's my thing, not connected with my family in any way/and the success or failure is totally up to me. But do not make your focus the ex. Set the ground rules now, because the foundation needs to be stable if you are ever going to work it out or get through it and move on. Good luck
Be strong
by: Jenna C.

To quote Dr. Phil "You teach people how to treat you" You have let this go on. You have the power to stop this abusive cycle. It's up to you. Stop it now. Decide and stick with it

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