My abuser left me
His addiction to hard core videos, and his need to act out exactly what he saw, left me feeling like a victim whom had been groomed for the acts he wanted. Sex was only on his terms, I was not to initiate. I went along with his wishes trying to be the good wife... then he told me he had no respect for me. Even during our separation he pushed the envelope even further... telling me that I should tolerate his friends unwanted physical grabbing of me, then himself rising to new acts for me to do... then after completion told I was not to sleep in the bed but had to leave. “What are you doing?” he would ask as I went to lie down.
This of course was combined with constant verbal abuse about myself physically and my career abilities. The whole time being told if I didn't do these things for him he would find someone else who would. I would often have to tell him I liked what he was doing or wanted it. I was told to shut up if I said no. He refused to wear any protection as he felt it affected his experience. Even after I expressed concerns of pregnancy or disease from his extramarital excursions… it didn't matter. I had tricked myself into thinking this just must be how he feels loved...thru sex....as presents or cards would sit unopened by him, cooked meals ignored, etc.
The kicker is he left me, citing he was miserable. So I sold my soul for nothing. He has never even said he's sorry. And if I would ever cry he would become very angry… mocking me in my sobs. I had made excuses for him as he was exposed to this garbage at a young age... but at a certain point you have to rise above. I had been molested by a baby sitter while in kindergarten... I guess if I choose to not try to reconcile with Him then I would personally be rising above my past.
This is the first time I have shared this… the process can be frustrating as no one knows about this.... they just think he's such a nice guy.