Mental Abuse from the Start

by Unhappy for a Long Time
(California)

I don’t know how to even start describing what he’s put me through. It seems as if the mental and emotional abuse has always been a part of our relationship. First, I stopped going over to my friend’s houses because he asked me to quit smoking (which I didn't care because I wanted to quit too). It was hard to be around my friends because they smoked and I had to let them go. I barely saw my family because they lived apart from us (a little ways out of town) but he made it clear that they were not "his" family and he wasn't going to pay anything for them (gifts, etc.). We would have family dinner with his family once a week every week. But I rarely saw my family until recently I started going 1 x a week whether he went or not.

In his mind, I could NEVER do anything right. I could never keep the house clean enough for his standards, the laundry was never done like he liked it, I was too fat, I wasn't consistent enough with the kids, I wasn't anything he wanted. I don’t think he can even tell me why he loved me. (OH wait… 1 reason - I wouldn't shove my 1st child aside so we could do things together). That is the only reason I have ever heard from him. He knows nothing about my child hood. Nothing! I know pretty much everything about him because I took the time to ask. And he stopped showing me love right away - he asked me to stop saying it so much and stop sitting next to him all the time. We started spending more and more time apart. He would be in the bedroom while I was in the living room. It never changed even after we had children. Then 3 years ago he stopped being intimate with me. I was heavy and I think it disgusted him.

And that is sad because the whole 6 years we were married my daughter would tell me how unhappy she was and he wouldn't pay much attention to her, or would just down on her a lot and I did NOTHING. :( I tried to protect her from being hit, but once I got in, I couldn't get out, I was afraid, and had no money to do anything. That to me makes me feel like the worst mother ever. I allowed it to happen to her.

6 years of being in between them and 2 more children later, my Husband pushed my now 17 year old down. He admitted to this 2 or 3 times. He says that he was protecting HIS property, which is BS. I called my sister that night and had her come and get my daughter

He is an adult and has NO right to lay his hands on ANY of my children. So I waited and plotted until he was asleep and packed everything I could get my hands on and fit in my car and fled the next day with my other two children. I have spoken to 1 lawyer and am going to see 2 more. He has changed the locks on the house and the garage door so I can no longer get the rest of my things without him knowing or being there.

I feel I am in a pickle. He could very well get 50 /50 custody which would leave me with no way to support my children. I do not bring home enough money to even pay rent. Let alone buy food and pay the regular bills.

Comments for Mental Abuse from the Start

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So many reasons
by: Karen

My husband is abusive (mentally and physically). He has no respect for me, emotionally is not there, we're always fighting and yelling, there is no control over finances, and the list goes on. It was this way for at least 10 years, if not longer.

We were married for 15 years and have known each other for almost 20 years. I thought after all this time we would be able to work it out, but it doesn't seem that way.
I broke free from a verbally/emotionally abusive husband too
by: Kat

Only another woman who has experienced the verbal abuse and psychological abuse at the hands of her husband can know how you feel and my heart goes out to you. You feel alone and scared and don’t know what is happening. If this helps you at all, then my experience has been for helping other women get through the abuse.

Sometimes when you separate from the abuser, they still try to hurt you by using the kids. Things like getting visitation, bringing them back late, trying to take them away from you or saying things to them about you. You need to get a great attorney and you need to tape record his verbal abuse to use as proof of the domestic violence and then go to family court. You can petition for a stay away order of protection based on the abuse and you must petition for full custody of your children.

I know the steps to take now because I lived through it and did not do everything right. I have been in the middle of a divorce for two years and see what I should have done in the very beginning. I never got proof of the verbal abuse.

Domestic violence (even Verbal abuse) in front of the children is considered by the courts for custody and if you have proof of it in recordings your case will be that much faster. God be with you. I know how bad it is. Get away from him and use family court to help you keep him away from you and the children. Get a good lawyer.
Newly separated
by: Annika

After 15 years of having a husband who was not there emotionally, we now have 4 kids ages 10 to 6 months. He was also verbally and emotionally abusive. It took me this long to finally say I had had enough. So early October I told him to leave and do not come back. Since then he has gotten worse...making my birthday that just passed so miserable... making it known to my family that he did it on purpose. Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I am having a very bad day… I’m trying to be strong for the kids but it is hard... Any advice?
Verbally Abusive
by: Trish

I was married to a man for 25 years who always told me "I had no right to question his actions". He divorced me in a flash and now I think I feel better. I have been a stay at home mom for all that time. He still comes to my house and belittles me in front of my kids and my neighbors, but since he can't get under my skin, he finds new things to hurt me with. I believe GOD does things for a reason and I hope to soon see why I put up with this man for so long.

It still hurts that he divorced me and that he had a girlfriend while he was here with me. It has been 6 months since then and I see things in a different light. There are bad days and some days are better than others. I hope life will soon be a lot better for me.
He treats me with disgust and cruelty
by: Sienna

When I met my husband I had 3 wonderful children and a good co-parenting relationship with my ex. I have never loved someone as much as I have my husband, but I have never been hurt and betrayed by anyone as I have him. The warning signs were there... He called CPS on me (I am a great mom but I battled postpartum depression), he has called the police on me constantly, lied, and has had impotency problems. His relationship with his mother is gross. She molested him when he was a child and he didn't tell me until AFTER she molested my son and now denies it. My husband tried to get a restraining order on me for saying awful angry things about his mother.

When I tried to leave him four years ago I learned who he truly is.... The worst thing he did was lie to my ex-husband and get him to take custody of my older kids. I was forced to stay to protect my young son (his family is rich and thinks he is abused). I recently discovered he is severely addicted to smut. I feel so sad, so dirty, and he only pretends to care when I’m ready to walk out the door. He is playing nice but I know he is just lying to me. It doesn't matter though as I have 0 friends, I can't see my family, I have no job, no money, and he will take my son if I leave.

I know I played a part in this. I know I allowed the behavior, but no one should treat the person they vowed to spend the rest of their life with such disgust and cruelty. I truly love him, but I know he won't change he's just going to "lie better". He says he's not looking at the filth or seeing his mother, but I am fairly sure he is. I have no self-esteem, I have gained weight and hate myself. I guess I'm just a loser that falls for liars.
I know how you feel
by: Lori K

My husband shows no emotional support. There is no affection. He is a narcissist and controlling and his ways are getting worse with the demeaning things he says.
A man can be abused too
by: Ron

I am a man that is going through the same abuse. Most people think that only women go through this abuse. I understand exactly what you are going through and it is mentally draining. My wife has been abusing me for over 20 years.

I am going through a separation/divorce that is like a horrible nightmare. She's calling my job, smearing name around town, and telling my kids & family that I am a monster. Little do they know that I have been abused mentally and physically. I pray that soon all of the abuse will come to pass. Somehow I feel it will continue forever.
Indecisive
by: Shelli

I was resentful, feeling like I was controlled and felt belittled. We were always in debt. What respect I had was lost and I began to distance myself from him. Because of my actions, he said he felt justified for acting this way even 14 years ago. A few months ago I left, had a place and moved in. Then we talked and I felt my children's needs and his were more important than my own.

When I left, I felt like I was doing the best thing for my children. Oh and according to him, it is me that is ruining our children's lives because "he is a changed man and he loved me and always will", even though I have heard enough cut throat words the past few months. He had been working on the issues and making things better but I couldn't accept them.

I filed for divorce and of course told him at an inconvenient time... But he kept on with me to stop the papers, being very persuading because what he said I believed was true. But then I wouldn't stop them because I felt like I was being controlled. He was so angry he said a lot of horrible things and tormented me. So I become angry and hated him.

But then we talked again and it was calm and it reminded me of plans we had made with the children, trips, and things to do to the house. He has a stable job and makes a lot of money, so the stability will be there financially. He has shown that he has changed his ways, yet the old him still shows through and my feelings all come about all over again.

For whatever reason he hasn't been served and the hearing will be here soon. Since I have had these feelings toward him I have talked to friends about it. He feels I have been influenced by them based on only what I have told them about him. I have been in such a confused state that I don't know what to do, although when I filed for divorce I knew I wanted out.

He says he hired a P. I. and he says he has proof of things (I do not know what). He has read a lot of studies and reading Gods word, praying and putting faith in it. I know it all sounds good, but I have become so set in my thought process about him I am so cautious. He also says that he is not like other men, he has truly changed.

Oh, he had brought up a situation that happened to me before we were married that I had told him about after we married. He used that traumatic experience as a reason why I might have issues. I used the analogy of a dog’s owner abusing it. His response was he would nurture the pain and heal it. Yes we both have a lot if issues with each other. He says he can get past it all, but I see it all still there. Words and tone has always hurt... And I still hear them. My fear is for my children just as any good parent. Some say children are resilient and others say it will damage their whole lives.
I had to leave
by: Sandy C

I couldn’t stay anymore. I was always quiet about what was going on. He was the "perfect husband". I came from a broken home and I didn’t want to break up the marriage for my girls. But 19 years later I had to leave. Now we are divorced and I feel free. But he threw me under the bus, telling everyone I was never happy with what he gave me, which was nothing. No emotional support and we slept in separate beds for 7 months before the separation. We didn't have anything in common. Anytime I would try to have a conversation I was wrong, I shouldn’t have said this or that. He told me once I was a disappointment.

So many things... now I'm with someone new and my girls are very mad. I tried getting out before, but he would always tell me I had to be the one to leave since I was the one that wanted my freedom. I didn't finish school and I didn't have a job and I had devoted myself to him and my family for 14 years, but I was the one that had to get out??? So I did. Struggling, but better than where I had to pretend all the time. But my girls are upset and I don't know how to deal with this part. I am dying inside...
Been there twice!
by: Linda

I have been married twice. Both men were abusive, both Physical & Verbal abuse. Separation didn't work so I divorced both of them. I have 3 children. The first one is grown and has own family. The other two are teenagers and live with father. I pay child support. I had no funds to take the kids with me and had to move out of state.

I'm trying to start over. It's so hard. I didn't finish school and have no job. I'm trying so hard to find something to get by. So I can pay my child support. And I need to get financial aid for health issues. The bills just don't go away.

I was blind to see the abuse. I thought it was always me that had the problem. So, I kept changing my personality. Thinking it would be better.

Both of my ex-husbands always made me feel little, like I wasn't good enough or smart enough. Calling me names. The house wasn't clean enough. I couldn't dress myself, put on make-up. Nothing was good enough. They always had to be in control.

That is not Life. It's prison. Get out if you can.
Walk Away
by: Lacy

Mental abuse is a good reason not to agree to mediation. Even with lawyers in the room, it just doesn't work.
NEVER SAY NEVER
by: JENNIFER A

My ex-husband wasn't like that. My first was, however, only not as bad. I never saw my friends either. Slowly this happened. Get a lawyer! Don't try to mediate - it won’t work. You can get day care assistance from the state and find a job and that will make you feel like a person again. He will have to pay child support and make sure you stick with the amount the attorney figures he owes.

I was too nice and only made my ex pay half of the amount he was supposed to. He's rich now. I knew he would be, but that wasn’t what I wanted. The weight gain is probably due to that jerk of a husband. That was not a husband. You will get custody. They will interview your kids and get the picture right away of what kind of a father he is. Don’t worry, it will all work out. Just be strong and keep moving forward one day at a time. You deserve to be loved. Don’t forget it.

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