In denial about his addictions

by Blue
(California )

We have been married for two years and his drinking has worsened. He doesn't try to hide the vodka anymore instead he finds reasons to fight with me. He likes to fight so that I will leave him alone so he can enjoy his porn. He never wants to have sex with me. He tells me he doesn't feel like it or is too tired but when I go look in the computer I can see that he was watching porn. I go drop off the kids to school and by the time I get home he is already on the computer and drinking.

I feel alone, unwanted and unappreciated. I keep myself in shape and am not bad looking yet he doesn't seem interested in me. I tried dressing up sexy, I tried talking to him about it but he denies there is a problem. I tried going to counselor but he told me that his porn was normal, even though he neglected me. About the alcohol he said he couldn't help me because he denies he has a problem. I even tried banning all electronics from the house and it helped but eventually he went right back to ignoring me.

The last straw was last month when he was off for three days and I worked. Every day when I got home he was passed out drunk on couch. The first day I was off, I took my daughter to school and then went to gym. I got home and he is on couch drinking. I took a shower and then called him to the room. He walked in with rage, yelling at me for demanding his presence. I asked him to please calm down. I simply called him, not demanding. He escalated arguing, asking why I had to call him because he was fixing the car. I said honey that is no reason for you to get mad but he wouldn't stop.

The fight continued to escalate and I ended up having to get a restraining order on him. He has been out of the house for a month and I have enjoyed the peace and quiet. I met with him today and he confessed to me that the reason he started that fight was to avoid having sex with me. It was painful hearing that but it reinforced what I already knew. I asked him to get counseling for his drinking and he refused. I told him the only way he could come back home is if he gave up drinking and porn.

He asked me what I will have then. I told him ME and our marriage. Isn't that important? He said it’s not enough, I need more freedom. I said you are already living like a single guy what do you mean by more freedom? He never answered but we agreed to file for divorce. I can't live like this anymore.

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I understand your pain
by: Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear what you have had to go through. While my husband is not a drinker, he is addicted to porn. I know the feeling of "what is wrong with me" and "am I not ENOUGH for you".

It’s been a hard 5 years of marriage with about 4.5 years in therapy to help him and us. I want to reassure you that your (ex?) husband's porn behavior is NOT normal. I had a therapist tell my husband and I the same thing in the first year of counseling and we stopped seeing her shortly thereafter. I could not believe a professional would say something like that. While it did cause damage at the time, we eventually found an excellent therapist that specializes in sex addiction and he has been wonderful.

However, as we all know, recovery is only what you make of it and I am so sad to say that after all my husband and I have been through and the growth that we have made together as a couple, I am considering divorce. He just admitted to lying to me (for over a year) about porn use, voyeurism and other unhealthy addiction based behavior. This is not the first time he has admitted to lying/hiding this from me since he admitted he had a problem and joined a 12 step program.

The sad thing is, I started to trust him again, believed he was telling the truth when he said he wasn't doing any of those things. When all along, he just got better at hiding them. He claims he's been talking with people in his recovery group (he has been in a 12 step program for about 4 years) but it's hard for me to believe that's true since this behavior has been going on for a year plus (and who REALLY knows how long since he's known to lie).

At this point, I'm feeling overwhelmed with what I should do. But I want you to know you are enough and you are worthy of a relationship of honesty, unconditional love and trust. You don't have to put up with his addiction, especially if he won't get help.

His addition sincerely has nothing to do with you. It is his problem. If he won't get help, there is NO chance of it getting better...and from my recent experience, even professional help will only go so far if the addict doesn't take it seriously and put his marriage first.

Best of luck, I'll be sending encouraging thoughts your way. I know how tough it is.

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