I was an obligation

by Sadie
(Newberg, OR, USA)

My marriage broke up because I was mean and hurtful when he couldn't meet my emotional needs. I feel like it's what came first, the chicken or the egg type of situation. Was I mean because my needs were never met, or did he not meet my needs because I was mean?

His life was always more important that our life, and it broke me down little by little until I would blow up and act on the worst parts of my feelings. I just wanted his attention, his affection, and to be chosen over everything else. I wanted him to live out the vows that we said to each other. But when he fell short and let me down on yet another holiday or "had" to go to work on the weekend or needed a night out with the guys, even though he never wanted to go out with me, or would turn down sex with me because he wanted to go to the gym... eventually I broke.

I wasn't perfect. I acted desperate and pathetic and when I didn't get what I wanted I pouted and lashed out and became a horrible critical monster. My reactions gave him every reason to pull further and further away from me. It's no big surprise that he wants a divorce.

The most hurtful part though is that he told me that the only reason he stayed for 10 years is because he felt obligated to. He stopped loving me shortly after we got married, but then we had a son and he felt that he couldn't leave. But when our son was 18 months old he told me all of this for the first time and said he wanted out. Then he came back because he missed our boy.

Then six years later he did the same thing. He told me on Mother’s Day that he wanted a divorce and moved into the guest room. He had an emotional affair with a woman and moved out of the house. But after a month on his own and a DUII, he came back because he missed our son.

Now a year later and 10 years into our marriage he kicked our son and I out and he is starting his life all over. There will be no reconciliation this time. I wasn't perfect, but I've tolerated enough. But even though I know that, it still hurts more than anything I’ve ever experienced.

My heart is so broken that it feels like there is no way for it to ever heal. I just wanted to be chosen and protected, and instead I've been willfully hurt and tossed aside. Maybe if I'd reacted better... maybe if I'd been more supportive... maybe if I'd been less critical... maybe...

Comments for I was an obligation

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Please learn to love yourself. You deserve it!
by: Marcia

Reading your story, it feels like looking in a mirror. I have never been important to my husband. And anything else - beer, golf, friends, heck TV or a nap even - is more important than me. It’s been ugly. I mean, leaving your pregnant wife home alone for your first anniversary to go to a 3 day music festival (with friends including his baby momma) ugly. I've asked him why he hurts me this way and his answer is I'm taking this too personally.

I want you to really listen to that answer. Your husband's behavior is NOT ABOUT YOU. It’s about him. Whether you were the meanest, nastiest, craziest chick in the world or sweet as a peach he was still going to do the same thing - exactly what he wanted to do. Selfish people don't get that way because their wives cry. Their wives cry because its hurts knowing the man you love doesn't consider how his actions affect you. Humans are just animals- and you and I are just a couple of beat dogs snapping and growling from the pain.

He probably loves you. He just loves himself more. Please, please know you deserve love and since he didn't give it you'll have to find it within. You deserve it!

I felt like I was an obligation too
by: Bonnie

Maybe it wasn't all you. I say this because my story is very similar to yours, although I've been tossed aside after 31 years. I'm starting to realize, and I hope you do as well, that it's not all your fault -- he is responsible as well.

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