His personality disorder
Many times I’ve wondered who the Bleep Did I Marry?! He wasn't honest about who he was and where he came from. Before the marriage, we dated for 3 years with a few red flags that I had dismissed.
He had lied about having a relationship with his dad. When his dad called, he would tell me it was his uncle. The truth came to light after me inquiring further as to why he had been lying. He dismissed it, stating that it was because he felt his dad didn't deserve the title. Later, he said he lied about it because he didn't want me to tell my friends (not logical to me, a story line of "His dad is actually his dad, is not captivating).
He told me he dropped out of high school to work to help support his mom and his two sisters. He had mentioned it was in his junior year of High School. Later, when asked, he couldn't remember. (He was a Director of a company, organized, etc.) I asked him was he a freshman, sophomore, or junior, and again he couldn't remember and claimed to not know what year the classes represented.
He was from out of state and had moved here with his first wife. So there were no friends or nearby family to confirm his history. I chalked it up to him being out of state and sharing his wife's friends. Bad move on my part. He also had changed his legal name to a name of his choice. It was not a legal name change, but he had done it in Junior High so it was on record. He went by his mom's last name and omitted his middle names. He said it was because in his culture, they don't do middle names (not true, his is Middle Eastern and he had three names). Instead, he gave himself a good bible name for his first name and used his birth given first name as his middle.
He didn't explain the name situation until we applied for a marriage license. This was a huge red flag, but he explained it away with such conviction that I fell for it. I should have run for the hills, then! The biggest shocker was during couple’s therapy when he admitted to being diagnosed with a personality disorder (OCPD and AVPD). He down played it as if it were similar to a hobby. In hindsight, this explained a lot.
He became extremely aggressive, controlling, paranoid and abusive. Over the course of being married a year, things began to shift. Our things became his things. Even the things that I had before I met him were now HIS things. Basically, it was his home, his furniture, his rules.
Strange and unrealistic rules were put onto me and my kids. I wasn't allowed to pick up my kids from school, help them with their homework, or even help them find a channel on the TV. He had a GPS on my phone and was tracking my whereabouts. He even showed up at the school and cursed me out in front of my son for choosing to pick him up. Just ridiculous!
The fact that I tried to please him and didn't walk right out the door is now a mystery to me. He would trip or shove my kids or me, and then either deny it or say he did it so I wouldn't run into the person in front of me, etc.
After being fired from his job, a full blown change came about. He started raging over small things and became verbally abusive, calling me names, shaming and blaming me. He’s told me:
• I was a joke of a mother
• I am a loving mother to a fault
• My friends were fake
• I was living in la-la land
• I was a f***ing moron
• Why didn't I do what he says?
• Whose clothes am I wearing (they were mine)
• That if I loved him half as much as I do my kids, we wouldn't be having this problem.
On top of that, he’s
• called my friends horrible names
• accused me of having a boyfriend (totally false, no history of cheating or anything of the sorts)
• Kept track of my whereabouts, how long it took me to go to the store, drop off my kids, etc.
• Told me it was too bad I didn't choke on my sandwich (I left the home after this comment, paired with the violent raging over and over).
It was awful! I tried for a year and a half to calm him down; trying to figure out how to be better (I started to believe I was doing something to cause his anger). I went to different therapists and they all said the same thing - that the relationship was abusive and that perhaps his personality disorder was the source (he admitted to being diagnosed with OCPD, and an antisocial personality disorder, that he can't recall the name of, but it begins with an A). Ugh! It was so exhausting.
We separated, and with it came a frenzy of love-hate letters, texts and phone calls. There were also texts stating where I was, and that my car at the xxx, etc. He had been accessing my bank account and was following my spending habits, then purposely communicating to me that he knew where I was, or would pose it in a question. It was extremely odd. He showed up at my door a few times, demanding that I talk to him. I didn't open the door. Fast forward to today, we are in the midst of the divorce and he is stalking me. Every Monday and Wednesday at 11:45 am sharp, like clock-work. So very frustrating!
Our marriage was based on a web of deceit, a shaky foundation in which time, paired with a personality disordered angry individual, finally came to an end when I decided enough was enough and had the strength to leave for a couple of days. How the fog clears when you remove yourself and are able to think clearly and look back into it with a different perspective. It is sad, but I realize there is nothing I can do to improve the situation other than to leave it. Thank goodness for my "fake" friends, without their support, I may not have been able to make the move.