He lied about money

by J
(Ohio)

For years now, he has lied about money and our finances. I have been married to him for nearly 25 years and have known for a long time that it wouldn’t last because he constantly lied about everything, especially the money. He hid bills, pretended he paid bills when he didn't, ran up huge credit card debt without my knowledge, and took no responsibility for his actions.


In the beginning, he would be remorseful for the financial train wreck he caused, but for the last few years he just becomes indignant. I stayed home with our 3 kids for years and now I am working full time, but my earning potential is pathetic even though I have a college degree. I’ve finally had enough and will be filing for divorce. I am totally overwhelmed with emotions, problems with my oldest daughter who is 20 and sides with her dad, and freaking out about how to fill out all the paperwork needed to file. He is taking constant loans out of the joint checking with no explanation as to where the money is going and has opened another account in his own name.

I have had my own checking for about 6 months and he was angry I was depositing my check directly into that account because he couldn’t access it. I did this to protect what little money I was making, but am still helping to pay bills.

I am beginning to think he has either a gambling addiction or a sexual addiction and is using the money for some sinister activity. I have become totally distrustful of him over the years and regret I stayed, but came from an abusive family and I guess I felt I didn't deserve better. I have lost everything, my husband, my daughter, and now my sister-in-law who was my best friend and is being fed his lies about what a psycho I am.

I am trudging through mud and trying to deal with all this turmoil and grieving all these losses. It’s hard to keep going on.

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He wrecked our finances
by: Tina

My husband has always been very controlling and a bully. I did not know myself at all when we first started seeing one another. I had just moved from my home state and did not want to date anyone. My brother (another controlling bully) felt he knew better and, since I had to live with him and my sister-in-law when I moved, I could not get away from his constant nagging for me to date.

I knew shortly after I married my husband that it had been a mistake. I was financially solvent when I met my soon-to-be ex and he had debt. Shortly after we married he kept pestering me to get a credit card and put him on it "for emergencies". Well soon thereafter I found out he charged over $70,000 and we had to declare bankruptcy. He was constantly promising me everything under the sun and would never follow through on any of his promises. He eventually had to sell my diamond engagement ring (valued at $1800 or more) for just over $100 to pay some bill--yet another thing he said he would never do.

Eventually I just grew up and grew tired of the empty promises and empty, lonely life of being completely alone all of the time and wanted to have some type of life and happiness while I could still enjoy it. I also had a health scare shortly after turning 40 and it woke me up BIG TIME!!!! I am scared but I long to see what I can achieve too.
Both of us - Kind of
by: Dorothy

I was married for 25 years. When I did the bills at the beginning of our marriage, he spent and spent and spent so we had huge credit card debt, and he always the hit the line of credit. But he never bought me a birthday, Christmas or any other gift - nor did we literally ever go out.

Finally I spent money on the credit card too - That only meant I had to take the complete blame for the spending - and he then took over the finances. I was relieved, to be honest, to be free from the stress of not getting him to live on a budget. And we went to counseling. It didn't work. He quit going to counseling to run for office. Then he tried to quit running for office, but it was too late.

So - he spent every dime we had on that race for a year - and would say just use the credit card if you or the kids need something. So he used it, I used it and we looked it as a gamble - and we lost. Okay, we then refinanced the house to get back on track. This is where the lying begins.

I was told his salary got cut $20k a year since he wasn't billing enough hours. I go to work at some pretty terrible jobs to help pay the bills. Then I am told his salary got cut again - then the firm split and it was cut again.

So I continued to work and work and work to pay bills. Well, his SSI statement gets mailed here and I note how much he made during the years I was killing myself working - not getting a gift or being taken out to dinner - because we were so broke. We were in fact NOT broke and I have no idea what he did with the money.

It's not in a hidden account and he didn't spend it on our household or the kids. I finally cracked. We're in the middle of a divorce now and it probably makes no difference but. I must have been a sap to take the blame for spending, not to insist he do bills with me as promised - and work 15 hours days with no vacations or holidays off to fund whatever secret life this man had.

I knew he was selfish - but this one took the cake.
Money Addiction Hoarder
by: Sydnee

I was married to a man for 11 1/2 years. When we got engaged we had in-depth conversations about how the money would be handled. We both had assets and agreed to identify them before the marriage. Then, if the marriage didn't work out, we would retrieve any assets or money that would set us both back to the original amount and split any remaining 50/50.

He didn't want me to start a new career (he didn't want it to "interfere with our new marriage"), so I quit working and took care of our personal lives, bills, the house, etc. He controlled all the earnings he made and it became millions over the years of marriage. He never wanted me to pay for ANYTHING I wanted/needed from my own money before the marriage, any personal expenses (like gym membership, health insurance/costs, car repair, clothes, furniture, etc.). In the meantime, he took all his earnings and put it in real estate, within an LLC he owned prior to the marriage.

He berated me about not spending my money on "OUR" things, real estate upkeep, taxes, remodels, etc. He told me I was selfish and greedy and a hypocrite. He spent our money on vacations for him (only), his children, and whatever he wanted. He threatened me with financial ruin and homelessness if I divorced him and I challenged him about the money (I OWNED my own home before I met him and sold it to buy a home with him)

He loves to fight. He lied about money, he cheated on me, and gaslighted me continuously. Shame and regret kept me there for a long time and then it shattered my self-esteem. I finally believed I was worth the chance, and risked losing everything to get away from him. I refused to fight with him, like he wanted to, over the money. I walked away. I would have gnawed my arm off to get away from him. (Abusers count on this) He is a very sick man and the marriage almost cost me my sanity and life.

I am so grateful to be gone from him. I never realized this type of person really existed until now. It was an absolute nightmare. The years I wasted were the biggest lesson of my life. There is NO amount of money worth your sanity and self-respect. Good riddance.
Me too
by: Chelsea

I'm in a similar position, though not nearly as bad as some of the stories here.

He's gone and I have mixed feelings: Relieved to no longer have to deal with lies and a loss of trust and not knowing anything about him. Sad, because he was so much fun to be with. And I loved him and his company.

So my question is:

WHY DO THEY DO IT???

WHY DO THEY LIE TO US??

IS IT ADDICTION??

I would love to hear it from any viewpoint, even someone who lied to his wife and stole from her, like he did to me.
Similar story
by: Joyce

I've been with my husband 26 years and married for 21. It's too long a story to share, but let me just say the last 6-10 years have been hell. He developed an opiate addiction which he overcame, until I found pills in his work bag about 10 years ago. He went back into treatment and unbeknownst to me, exchanged the opiates for cocaine which he obtained and used at work.

We lost our home, all our savings, and our two children's savings as well. He lost 2 vehicles and stopped paying insurance resulting in enormous fines. We claimed bankruptcy but he lied to me about losing our house until we were evicted. We are still experiencing difficulties renewing car registration for my car which I have been sharing with him for over a year.

In October of last year, he admitted his cocaine addiction and promised to stop, went to NA meetings for a couple of months, agreed to drug tests, but still won't share financial details of his separate account. Long story short, he racked up tolls and amassed fines for not paying them, so I was unable to renew my registration this past July. He says he paid the fines and even affixed a sticker to my tag but mysteriously can't find the registration card or paperwork. I cannot believe I am still trying to make this work. I feel like a hamster on a wheel.
I need help to decide if I should divorce
by: Lara

Hi everyone,
I am 32 years old and have been married for 4 years and have a 2 year old boy. After 2 months of marriage I discovered my husband with gambling issue. In the beginning all his income (we both work full time jobs) was used at the poker tables in addition of using our wedding money ($11,000). I have discovered that he took some amounts from friends and giving checks with an empty account. I had to pay his debts and his loan of $30,000. When I asked for a divorce, he was begging me that this thing will never happen again.

The second year, the same thing happened (in addition of abusing pills) and I gave him a second chance.

I just discovered 3 weeks ago that he had a loan of $20,000 that made us broke before Christmas vacation.

It’s not just about the money; the main issues are the lies and the way he was hiding things about his salary and where all this money has gone. I have been paying all the bills for my son and my house.

Lately he doesn’t show me any respect and doesn’t even look to me for emotional support.

I am very hurt and I feel stupid about how I trusted him. He used me morally and financially.
I need help to do what I need to do, because deep in my heart I know that he will never change. He is even trying now to convince me to give him another chance for our son. Please help, I am desperate.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
by: Patricia

I think you are right on the money about an addiction problem. It's like you are describing my life with my husband (20 years). The same issue with my oldest son, it's all Mommy's fault!! But this has been all manipulated from Dad to poison my son's mind against me. But I am confident that once my son gets older and more mature, he will realize the truth of what really happened between Mom and Dad!!

MEN ARE NOT AS STRONG AS WOMEN, and that is why they resort to doing anything so they won't be alone!!

It was very difficult to leave, especially with no money, but it is the BEST THING I EVER DID FOR MYSELF & THE KIDS. Except the kids do not realize it now, but they will soon when they see Mom taking care of herself and being happier. IF YOU CAN'T TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, THEN YOU CAN'T TAKE CARE OF ANYONE ELSE!!!

As time passes by - things get easier to deal with - You will get your life back and it will be even better!!!

FAITH protects, HOPE renews, & LOVE strengthens
He Lied About Money
by: KeptInTheDark

I can sympathize with your plight. I was married to a man for 31 years (still waiting for the divorce to be finalized) who used money to manipulate our entire marriage.

Together, we made $7,000 a month. However, he "direct deposited" my check, managed all of the financial aspects, and lied to me about our assets. He had TWO records in each checking account. The one I saw said we had $49.00 at the end of the week. The ledger he kept in the back said we had $6,000. I thought we were living in poverty. I earned more than he did. Yet, I was never allowed to even know what our assets were.

Money to men like this is all about "control." First, they control your money and how it’s spent, then they control where you go and who you see, and then they control your destiny. Finally, they control your thoughts and decimate your self-esteem.

Bottom line: Men like this will NEVER change. Yes, they will promise you THE MOON if you stay, but that is just another tool used to control you.
Power of a woman!
by: Gale

I so sorry you had to go through that for so long, but that's just how we’re built. The thing is, you are in more control than you know, just give it to God. Sounds kind of corny right? I thought so too, but it really gave me peace. My daughter sided with him too, as matter of fact his whole family did. He played them like puppets, but your daughter knows in her heart it’s her dad not you. She sided because she knows you’re the back bone of the family,

And she knows her dad is weak, and don't for a minute let him program you. We as women have the power to always say what we feel, and mean what we say. We are the makers of our own destiny Remember, it’s not a man's world anymore, without us there is no them. My Grandma was the one with the back bone and hated when men tried to take women for a ride.

Be glad you are getting out. Don’t think of it as what you lost, think of it as what’s to come once you’re free. Leave the past and look forward to your future; your daughter will follow and respect you more for not judging. And he’ll show his true colors eventually. GOOD LUCK AND YOU’RE NOT ALONE.

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