He is a narcissist

by Diane
(Utah)

He is controlling, dishonest, emotionally and verbally abusive: A Narcissist


After almost 29 years of marriage, 6 children, and constant financial crisis, I found the courage to leave. It is actually my third time.

He is addicted to drama and unable to see how he creates so much pain in the lives of others around him and in his own life. He has emotionally abused our children and used guilt to control them and me. One daughter was ready to kill herself as a result of the emotional manipulation and blame and shame he put her through.

I have been in counseling which has helped me to see things as they really are, instead of believing that it is entirely my fault. I don't have a job, but I have hope that I will be able to put my head and heart back together and have a happy life where I own myself and my choices and my thoughts. Most of our children are grown, with a 12 year old son and 17 year old daughter still at home. She is with me and he is with his dad.

It is very painful, and at times I doubt myself, but as I remember that I spent the last few years in a state of depression and occasionally thoughts of suicide, I realize there is now hope. It will take me a while to get on my feet and to get the critical blaming controlling voice out of my head. I am on my way to gaining control of my life.

It is crucial for my daughters to see me make this change, and I only hope they will learn to expect more from their lives and eventually their marriages, than I did. I know God will bless and guide me, and at times that is all that gets me through. I know marriage is pleasing to God, but I know He LOVES His daughters and His heart breaks when any one of them is treated with disrespect and meanness.

There is a better life ahead.

Comments for He is a narcissist

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Bullying, controlling and narcissism
by: Barbara

Emotional abuse is so traumatic and terrifying. It starts slowly, and my husband started to become rigid, disdainful, insulting, and critical. When he was with other people, he would act like the mayor of the town...as soon as we were alone or with our children, his attitude would change.

He once measured the tire tread marks on a small section of grass along our driveway to see "if I had caused the problem or if one of my friends did". Seriously, measuring tire treads that went over the grass about six inches from the asphalt...

Things like this would happen several times a week. Then he would say if I just did things the way he wanted, we wouldn't argue... it took 23 years of marriage to finally leave. Getting support from support groups and books and a spiritual connection and my sisters and mom helped me get through it. You are not crazy and you deserve to be treated with dignity.
Narcissistic Husband
by: Natasha

For a good list of traits that narcissists often display, check out https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism

It describes my husband to a "T". He is so hard to live with and to know. He has made me feel the lowest I have ever felt and I have no self-esteem left. There was no intimacy, affection, or conversation after we got married. He just completely started controlling everything. He is online creating profiles on all the sites and yet claims to love me. I must divorce him or live and suffer for the rest of my life. This is truly a horrible situation. The description above has many faces within, drama being 100% inevitable.
He pushed me away
by: Tanya

We never communicated. When I tried, he would belittle me, or push me away when I wanted attention, like a hug or a kiss. I believe it started after my mom died. I went into a deep depression and his words to me were "You’re alive, your mom is dead. Get over it." I started to with-draw in spite of support groups. It was good to talk others going through what I was going through, but the support and understanding was not at home.

After a year I lost all interest in him. Then he shut down his business and retired. He just sat around the house while I worked 2 jobs and keep up the housework. The verbal abuse got worst and after 6 more years of it, I finally had it. I moved from NY to GA to live with our son. It took him only 5 months to divorce me… That sounds like he really wanted me out of his life.
If you decide to divorce...
by: Tracy

For all the women here, if you are married to a narcissist and decide to end your marriage, here are some strategies for divorcing a narcissist that can help.
Not just Utah
by: Roberta

Believe me the same thing exists in TEXAS and TENNESSEE. My sister-in-law is currently divorcing my husband's brother after 26 years and I'm trying to plan my exit after 27 years. My sister-in-law was raised in AR and I was raised in TX. For over 25 years we've lived 2 states and over 10 hours apart.

For years, she and I both have read every book on marriage and being better Christian wives in an effort to find peace and happiness in our marriages. Come to find out the two narcissistic brothers we're married to are the common denominators. It's THEM not US, but they let us spend YEARS in misery blaming us for all THEIR problems... and they did it in the name of GOD convincing us we were disrespectful and un-submissive wives. ENOUGH!!!!
Narcissistic Personality
by: Tiffany

My marriage broke up due to me wanting to please God. I said my wedding vows to God and wanted to honor his word. So, I did the unthinkable… I put up with my husband's Narcissistic Personality.

If you don't know, Narcissus is the Greek mythological character who was in-love with his reflection, he died from not eating. Wow, what the wrong type of person to fall in love with, but I did. After 28 years of excusing away his self-centered behavior, I finally became tired of not being important enough for him to spend time with (inside or outside).

It was either he was looking at Westerns, or just staying in the bed for hours complaining about his diabetes, heart disease, back aches, headaches, etc. Oddly enough, he would get enough strength up to go out in the evening. You know with his friends that are more important than our marriage. OH yes, don't forget the affairs (there were many over the years, the last one 3 years ago with nurse J**). I even have the copy of the confirmation of the Four Star hotel they stayed in. Anyway, after him pleading for me not to leave I forgave him and stayed. But he never changed his behavior, they never will change. Narcissistic personalities can only be true to themselves and never to anyone (children, family or friends).

I finally confessed to God that I could not spend the rest of my life doing everything while he did nothing but try to manipulate me emotionally, financially, and sexually. Oh yes, I asked God to forgive me for breaking my wedding vows. I love God because he does gives us our heart's desire (my husband but God knew better) and walk you through the storm.
Your story / my story
by: Juley

Reading your story gives me hope and you are right, we will make it. I am so scared. I have been a homemaker for 14 years with 5 kids. I recently enrolled in college, trying to rebuild my life. I no longer want to rely on him, I want my freedom. I’m tired of the confusion, manipulation, and I cannot trust him. I want out!
So many similar stories
by: 24yrs3kids and on way out!

This is mind-blowing! HOW many of us have been married over 20 (me 24) years? It must be when the realization that even if we had the desire to fill their ego cup; we couldn't any longer, because of all the holes they've put in our pitchers with their verbally/ emotionally toxic darts! I don't desire pleasing him now because I finally figured out that it can never really happen unless he is belittling, criticizing, or controlling my every move so he feels superior and I don't exist.

To him, I am insignificant and a burden at the same time. But the kicker is now that I am planning my divorce, he thinks I should be begging to stay in my place, as I am lucky just to be tolerated as the burden of such a special man! If I don't see it his way, clearly I am crazy, which he tries to continue the kids of regularly, despite them seeing my years of withstanding his verbal attacks, emotional abuse, and physical intimidation!
Narcissism, Cheating, and Sucking the Life Out of Me
by: Vanna

I got tired of being an object, especially after he cheated.
Save our SONS
by: Virginia

I live in VA and was married for 22 years and have 4 sons with a retired officer just like the ex you describe. I have 2 sons in college and 2 sons at home with me. I am in the process of divorce and have a good attorney.

My husband always said a woman can't raise a boy and used it as a reason I should stay--he would take them if I left. I was afraid he would be successful and that was part of the fear that made me endure his abuse for as long as I did. However, I have physical/joint custody and don't expect to raise them alone. They are still his children and still his responsibility to fish, play, laugh, etc. with them.

But as moms, we need to be aware that it is vitally important to make sure our sons don't think their fathers' abusive behavior is acceptable. Our boys need to know if they want a healthy relationship, they have to be loving and respectful.

I have an 18 month protective order against my ex and have gone almost a year without hearing his voice (especially awakening me at 2 in the morning to tell me what a stupid, selfish, shallow person I am) has given me the opportunity to focus on God's voice as well as my own.

My advice to you is, get a good attorney. Get an exit plan. Make copies of everything you can get your hands on. Stop telling him about your girlfriends. That way when you are ready to leave or hide documents, he won't know who to call or where to find you. Once you get in the courts, they will treat you fairly when they see you have focused on your children.

It really does get better. Weaker women than you have gone through it and strived. Hang in there!!
No, not just in Utah
by: Preachers Wife

I am glad to know I am not alone. I’ve been in a similar situation for nearly 26 years and I have a seven year old through an adoption because I thought that I would never get pregnant due to my marital circumstances and I wanted a baby. I even thought twice about adopting with this guy but I loved this little boy and he’s been in my life since he was 11 months old.

Any way, the man I married is a minister and has accused me of 'fooling around' with the men in the church, with men on my job, and with the men in the neighborhood. He has called me every provocative name that he can think of and often in the presence of my son; he has no regard for me whatsoever. I stopped attending his church. The verbal abuse got to be too much; he's has expressed his anguish about it (the nerve of him). But I have decided that I do not have to subject myself to that type of abuse and I attend another church.

I do feel very alone but realize that God has seen it all and nothing goes unnoticed before His eyes. He will bring justice and make everything wrong right. I am preparing to seek legal assistance and bring this marriage to an end. It’s not healthy for me and nor is it for my child. I do not have to be repeatedly mistreated this way; this guy needs help and won't face it because he thinks he's alright and everyone else is wrong. He continues to accuse me, is very controlling and threatening and I don't want to live like this anymore and feel as though I stayed too long.

I could go on and on with my story. But for the sake of time, I’ll stop here. So there; it’s not only in Utah but in Virginia too.
Not just in Utah!
by: MeToo

We have those men in FL also. I'm in the process of making my plan to leave without our 2 kids.
Is there any hope for me?
by: Courtney

My relationship is very similar to how yours was. I have an emotionally absent husband who loves to put me down and point out every flaw every day. After 20 years of hearing bad things about myself every day it finally caught up with me. I have been depressed for a long time now as a result of his handy work.

I have given up friends, jobs, and careers for him. And no matter what I do or give, it’s never good enough for him. I don't want my girls to think that it is ok for someone to treat them this way. Because of this reason I have sought out counseling for myself and am on the verge of leaving. Even though I still love my husband and most likely always will.

It's nice to know that someone like me did get out and is okay, maybe even happier with their lives, even though their love isn't with them. Thanks for sharing.
OMG! That is what I am going through!
by: NATALIE

I don’t feel as if I am so alone...he treats me just like you have been treated. There is hope for my life yet!
Is it a Utah thing?
by: Joan

I agree with your post. It must be something with Utah men. I have dealt with the same thing but fortunately not for as long. You are doing right by your daughters, too bad your son has to live with a narcissist. I wish you luck, I know I need it. I believe they call the behavior you described him as having as "borderline personality disorder".

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