Emotionally unavailable


What were my reasons for divorce? He was emotionally unavailable, addicted to smut, his Big Ego and the list goes on....

Early on in our marriage he brought home an STD - I had 2 children a year apart and was exhausted 24/7 (parenting didn't seem to be his thing) but HE was neglected and didn't get enough sex, so he was justified (right?). He always brought home this garbage to help "ME" get in the mood, although it was never requested by "ME". Many years later I realized the magazines he brought home were "Swingers" magazines. I was curious people like that existed but not interested. He was! Not for me.

He always had the biggest and most expensive of everything. Built a few houses, had very nice "things" but was never emotionally available to me or the children who STILL desperately want their father (Ages 20 & 21 now). He has been gambling (poker) for over five years now. He would always get into a hobby or activity for a short while then move on to the next, but the poker has been the longest. He plays no less than five nights a week now, and YES I do think that's where he is because he has THAT big of an ego! He needs that pat on the back, that feeling that he can puff out his chest like a proud peacock, and the feeling that the other poker players are "afraid" of him because he's so good at playing! (Yeah right)

I got to the point where I didn't want to even be around him anymore. We had shallow, meaningless conversations about nothing. At one point he couldn't have sex without watching graphic videos - once I put my foot down it was all over. For the first time in 31 years he's not that interested and had to start taking Cialis. He became manipulative to get what he wanted, and was passive aggressive when he didn't get what he wanted.

Near the end I was so starved for just the touch of another human being, a hug, a pat on the back - anything to let me know I was cared for. I became self-loathing, lacked any self-esteem, felt unworthy of any positive attention and questioned friends who would call me to hang out. I even stooped to asking "Why would you want to be around me?" The reply was "you're fun to be with!"

Talk about being confused! On one hand I'm thinking I must be pretty repulsive and unlovable if my husband doesn't even want to spend any time with me, while on the other I have friends calling me more frequently to get together, have dinner, girls' weekends, etc. I'm sure I could go on for an hour, but this is my abbreviated version. And it took years for me to finally say enough! Two reasons it took me so long: 1) I kept thinking things would get better and 2) I was scared financially! (I have been a stay-at-home mom for 20 years!)

Comments for Emotionally unavailable

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You have been living with an addict
by: Marcie

What you have described is a classic case of sex addiction. Your husband is using a physical act to deal with emotional issues. There is a good chance that there is abuse or neglect in his past and he failed to grow up and mature. I'm not making an excuse here, just stating what may be fact. It's a terrible situation for both partners and requires a lot of expertise treatment and effort to make changes.

I am that guy you describe
by: Don

I am that guy you describe and I’m so sorry for your pain and suffering. I was blessed with depression and didn’t know I had it. Sounds like you’re moving on and that is a great path. Being emotionally unavailable is a cruel thing. And I honestly didn’t know I was until a couple months ago. And believe me, it hit hard to know the pain of what I did. I don’t know how to help you. But hope the best for you. Good luck!

Emotionally unavailable too!!
by: Ruth

I was reading your post and for a brief second I thought I had posted it - I totally understand all of this and can relate so well - I have been with my emotionally unavailable husband since I was 16 - we married in our 20's. The only time he shows any emotion is when he has been drinking. When he is sober he is kind of mean (no physical abuse).

I am just ready for a divorce - I just don't know how to start. I do have my own issues and feel bitter towards him, but I want to try and just get this over with. It sounds like you made it, which gives me hope. My kids are 14 and 19 now so I could do it. I just don't want him to control the divorce - he has to control our finances, although I opened my own bank account now (I do work). He keeps telling me to pay off my debt so our credit can get better (which isn't a bad thing, but if I don't do it he treats me like a child). I am sick of it. It is my life - ugh!

Anyway I know deep inside I am ready - I don't even want to try to work on anything. I just wish I could fast-forward and be in my own life with my kids without having to deal with all the BS first. Thanks everyone for sharing.

Completely emotionally unavailable
by: Sandra

He does not know I will be seeing a divorce attorney and I want to separate next month in hopes of making this easier on the kids. We have been married 21 years and have 3 children. He has never been the type who cuddles, but for approximately 8 years he has been emotionally unattached to me. He is OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder) and does not like to be touched. For 5 years there has been very little communication and barely any physical contact of any kind. There is no going out. He has no desire to. He is also dominating and treats me as his secretary.

We have been to marriage counseling three times for the same reason. We are currently in counseling now. He says he loves me and will do anything, yet he continues to not give affection.

I need to be touched to feel loved. He knows this; we have discussed it each time in counseling and he has no interest in it. He is completely emotionally unavailable. He finally agreed to start medication for his OCD. I thought it would help. It helped with the OCD, but did nothing for the emotional un-attachment.

There is nothing else I can do, I am exhausted and done with this relationship. I am so worried about our kids-16; 14; 12, how they will get through this. Oh, did I mention, he's a lawyer. How do I get a fair divorce if he's a lawyer?

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