Emotionally unavailable

(Texas)

What were my reasons for divorce? He was emotionally unavailable, addicted to smut, his Big Ego and the list goes on....

Early on in our marriage he brought home an STD - I had 2 children a year apart and was exhausted 24/7 (parenting didn't seem to be his thing) but HE was neglected and didn't get enough sex, so he was justified (right?). He always brought home this garbage to help "ME" get in the mood, although it was never requested by "ME". Many years later I realized the magazines he brought home were "Swingers" magazines. I was curious people like that existed but not interested. He was! Not for me.

He always had the biggest and most expensive of everything. Built a few houses, had very nice "things" but was never emotionally available to me or the children who STILL desperately want their father (Ages 20 & 21 now). He has been gambling (poker) for over five years now. He would always get into a hobby or activity for a short while then move on to the next, but the poker has been the longest. He plays no less than five nights a week now, and YES I do think that's where he is because he has THAT big of an ego! He needs that pat on the back, that feeling that he can puff out his chest like a proud peacock, and the feeling that the other poker players are "afraid" of him because he's so good at playing! (Yeah right)

I got to the point where I didn't want to even be around him anymore. We had shallow, meaningless conversations about nothing. At one point he couldn't have sex without watching graphic videos - once I put my foot down it was all over. For the first time in 31 years he's not that interested and had to start taking Cialis. He became manipulative to get what he wanted, and was passive aggressive when he didn't get what he wanted.

Near the end I was so starved for just the touch of another human being, a hug, a pat on the back - anything to let me know I was cared for. I became self-loathing, lacked any self-esteem, felt unworthy of any positive attention and questioned friends who would call me to hang out. I even stooped to asking "Why would you want to be around me?" The reply was "you're fun to be with!"

Talk about being confused! On one hand I'm thinking I must be pretty repulsive and unlovable if my husband doesn't even want to spend any time with me, while on the other I have friends calling me more frequently to get together, have dinner, girls' weekends, etc. I'm sure I could go on for an hour, but this is my abbreviated version. And it took years for me to finally say enough! Two reasons it took me so long: 1) I kept thinking things would get better and 2) I was scared financially! (I have been a stay-at-home mom for 20 years!)