Controlling money freak

by Liz

There were hundreds of reasons for our divorce, but ultimately I couldn't live this way any longer. He controlled all the finances, to the point of him checking every item on receipts if I'd done the weekly shopping. As a result, I very rarely did the shopping because I couldn't stand the moods if I bought something wrong.

He controlled everything and I hadn't realized to what degree, until I finally had enough and told him to leave. I'm 38 and just learning to cook from scratch for my children. Early on in the marriage I gave up cooking, as he criticized constantly because I didn't do things his way! There were only a couple of times where things became physical. It was more the very subtle controlling things that he'd manage to make me feel as if this was normal behavior.

After 11 years of marriage, most very unhappy, I somehow got the strength to finally end it. I just couldn't bear the thought of my children being brought up thinking that 'this is how you’re supposed to live'. My kids love their father and the eldest was devastated to start with. As she slowly starts to see that I am much happier she is learning to deal with it.

He lied to me about money and it wasn't until now that I found out he'd been secretly paying a lump sum into his pension. Why would a husband lie about that? He was not capable of loving me, either. The only time he properly tried to show love towards me was when he wanted to be intimate.

When we met, I thought we both wanted the same things out of life. But either something changed or maybe the point is, he didn't change. He still treated me like I was not of equal value to him and that I have always been second best in this relationship.

These feelings only got worse when we had our first child, as obviously I could no longer work full time. Now my youngest is two and they are both amazing. Luckily I have never lost sight of the goals and plans I had for my children or myself, for that matter.

Don't get me wrong. I do not believe that I am perfect, far from it, but I did my best to save the marriage and try to talk and settle differences. I have also struggled with depression over the years. This can't have been easy for him, but even with that I was told to pull myself together and get on with life.

Even with all the BS that goes on through the initial separation and start of divorce, I already feel free. He doing his very best to get me and kids out of the marital home, as he thinks I don't deserve anything! Even if he succeeds I know that me and the kids will survive and be happier.

Comments for Controlling money freak

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There is always a way
by: JoAnn (California)

Ladies, I thank you for your comments on my post "Controlling Over Finances". I must say, it’s all so heartbreaking to hear your side as well, all so similar. I made it out of that miserable marriage, I could no longer stay there because I was so undoubtedly unhappy. I talked to people and was given very good advice. So I told him I was moving out and needed the money, he was ordered to pay me by court as it was already set in court. I did it the day before he got paid so he would know to pay me, and got the motel and stayed there for 4 days. Then I had just enough to get into an apartment, it was a hard but nice move.

I am now in my own apartment with my son and my illness has gotten worse. I had lost the medication I needed because insurance won’t cover it anymore. I really had no other outside help, but my oldest son moved in with me to help me out, which helps. So I’m struggling to get my health back, take care of my finances which have piled up, plus my credit is bad.

But I’ve taken a spiritual turn, I meditate and pray daily. It really does help. I feel in control when I meditate and listen to those I learn from. If you would like to know who and how to begin, I can forward you the site. It’s a very awesome lady. It helps you take control, be grounded, and rid those negative energies that bind you.

There is hope, serenity with patience, and love. Love yourself, you did nothing wrong. We just happened to be given something that is making us stronger. We all will be strong, supportive, women with Love to give the world and everyone that walks into our life.

Take the first step to do what you need to do for yourself, make yourself happy again. Then as hard as it is to begin all over, it shall happen with patience and time. Good luck ladies..
Much love your way..

Your husband is my husband!
by: Ursula

The difference I see here is that I got back to school and I am 4 months before graduation. However, I paid for everything using my savings and help from mom. I knew it's the only chance for me. If I need new glasses, birth control, medicines or anything I need to pay for it. When I ask for money, he humiliates me saying I don't know how to take care of finances. And yes I should be happy that I have a roof over my head, bills paid (I still pay my bills) and partial food. He always complains I cost him money. Cannot wait to see his face if the court decide he has to pay a spousal support to me!

Ditto
by: Jackie

I am facing the decision to divorce a man who has treated me the same as you. I too am college educated, yet found myself with an extremely controlling person. My kids have had to wear whatever he brought home to us in a trash bag...donations from others, despite the fact that he made an excellent salary. I was made to feel extreme guilt for even the tiniest of purchases.

He left me bleeding in the bathroom for a week because I had difficulty passing a huge kidney stone. My daughter (13) finally called an ambulance after he left for a business trip. I was in the hospital for three days and had to have an emergency surgery. He pretended to approve while the doc was there in the room. He changed his tune when we were alone. He was angry at me for costing him money and refused to pay for it. He told me I would have to pay for it from my meager allowance... the money provided for me to get groceries, clothes, school supplies, etc. I had to feed the kids a lot of Top Ramen to begin paying on it, while he insisted I feed him properly.

The thing that frightens me is not the divorce itself.... or even a life on my own. It has been terrifying to figure out how to do it with no resources of my own… He controls everything. If I could only get the start-up/transitional costs dealt with, I would be done with this now. I can definitely empathize. I feel like a shoe box in the back of his closet or a neglected dog tied in the back yard.

Controlling Over Finances
by: JoAnn (California)

My husband is controlling over finances, not letting me go to school or work while my child was younger. He just wasn’t exciting to me, and we had no sex life after I had my son 11 years ago. We’ve been living as roommates. He never introduced me to friends, never took me to ceremonies or banquets. He just wanted me to be home and cook for him.

After we came back from our honeymoon (which was horrible), I expected as a newlywed to buy a bedroom set. To this day he has never bought me a bedroom set, living room set, kitchen set, or anything to decorate my house. He has done nothing to the house to make it look nice for me. I can’t paint it because I may mess it up, and I can’t work on the yard because I might do it wrong.

Before him, I lived my life well. I went to school, had a great job, had my own house, my kids were involved in sports, and I was very social and had friends. Now I have nothing to my name. He won’t give me money and he leaves for work at 4 am and comes home at 7 pm. So he’s gone all day, and I get nothing to even buy an ice cream for my son. I asked for money to buy my son underclothes, but he left to work and left me nothing. So my son goes without because he just doesn’t want to give me anything…

I just can’t live this way anymore. I’ve tried and it’s not there… too long to go without. He seems to think I should be happy to have a roof over my head and he pays all bills. That is not what is important to me, there’s so much more to a marriage…

It’s so wrong… and he calls himself a Christian man... he’s more like a hypocrite. I am not in love with my husband...

I signed up for training to work in the medical field which is a small monthly payment and now that has stopped because he won’t give me money for the payments. I worked for 3 years at a school which was nice, but I got cancer. My hours were crappy (not even 3 hours a day), so I couldn’t do that anymore. I’ve tried collecting unemployment, but I can’t get that… oh, and I have tried to work online doing my own business but unfortunately that didn’t work for now anyway…

I simply would love to be who I was before, an independent woman, but he took that away from me completely. He seems to think I don’t know how to use money. How can I if he gives me nothing? I have to ask for everything for myself and my son. I need new glasses and I have the RX, but he won’t let me go because he has to pay for it.

I truly wonder if these are reasons for getting a divorce. It’s been 12 years with him, and I’m not getting any younger… I hope I can get some feedback on other people’s thoughts in this. A divorce is not a fun thing, but sometimes I think it’s a necessary thing.

I feel I’m going to die of stress, I have high blood pressure and arthritis, and he is not help in that either. He was not even there when I had my cancer surgery… So for now, a divorce is the only option I have…

Financial control
by: Susan

I hear you and, sadly, it's not unique. During our 9 years of marriage, he didn't share one iota of financial info... Now he's feeling complacent that as divorce proceedings have just begun, he can hide everything he was up to.

In the little bit of digging I've done, he has multiple offshore bank accounts, trusts, etc. I think he will hate the sheer indignity of being forensically audited (on which I'll insist) and he is obsessed with maintaining his reputation in biz and social circles. He cheated on me with at least one woman....his bullying days are over and I feel like Evelyn Salt or Boadicea.....up for the Dog-Fight Divorce!! Good luck

Wow
by: Candace

This could have been written by me! 11 years here as well...and the only thing holding me back is the fact that my young daughter would be devastated. I'm starting to think that even if she loses her house and her pink room and her big backyard with the swing set, having a happy mommy would make up for it. Thank you for sharing, it gives me some hope!

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