Addiction and abuse tore us apart

by BeckyM

When we started out, I felt like we were the perfect couple, and a lot of our family and friends thought so too. Looking back, I realize that my husband just needed a "best friend with a big bank account" until his Dad passed and he could get his hands on his inheritance.

We came from different states and met at a training class. I only knew him two years when we married. I thought I knew him better than myself (big mistake).

As time went on (and my income decreased because of the economy), my Prince Charming started turning into Satan. He quit working and almost drained my financial resources. When I started talking about the situation he attempted suicide. I thought it was a cry for help -- it was just another trick in his bag to get my attention turned back to him.

As soon as his Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer he started changing dramatically and ignoring my concerns. He started using heavy-duty drugs, stopped all sexual relations with me, was caught stealing, etc. One day he left and did not come back.

In the last six months I found out about much more, and it is documented. He is attracted to other men, so I had to get tested. Although Dad was very sick, his life ended rather abruptly and there are questions in the family about how that happened (pillow over his face)?

Still, instead of anger, I feel sorry for him. He is so mixed up that he has never experienced love on the level that most humans experience at least once in their lives. The good news is my friends and family say they finally got the "real" me back. I had no idea how far I strayed from myself in my efforts to help a hopeless cause.

Comments for Addiction and abuse tore us apart

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I am with you
by: Mommy Jane

It is very sad to read this and yet it is really happening today. There are many women out there who have abusive partners. Yes, I am one of them. My ex-husband was very abusive; to the extent he beats me and also our children. I really hated him and cursed him that he will die.

But I know it will just destroy my life and I need to file a divorce. First, he does not want a divorce, but I went to learn about the laws on divorce so that I will make the process legal and he can't fool me. Fortunately, it was all successful in the end. This time I will give more time with my children and with myself. I have moved on and my life is happier now. :)

Alcoholic physical abuser
by: Gayle

My husband drank every day and then unleashed physical abuse on me for 5 years.

He was mean, abusive, and always high
by: AHG

I would imagine that my tittle says it all; and yes, those are all true. Alcoholism, substance abuse, physical and emotional abuse, addiction to adult websites, and cheating all led to the breakup of my marriage.

The bigger question is, "Why did I stay so long?"

I filed for divorce 2 weeks short of our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. I was unhappy for a long time and did not even like him anymore. He was mean, abusive, and always high and drunk. Not a good partner for sure.

Through wonderful post-separation therapy, I discovered that he was a true narcissist. He fit the profile to a "T". He had no self-esteem, could take no criticism, but dished it out by shovelfuls. He had big addiction issues and justified all he did to serve himself well. Not to mention his need to control...especially me.

One of the last straws occurred about a week before he was arrested for domestic violence, and I filed for divorce was.....he took the door off our master bathroom. He said my showers steamed up the bathroom and since I did not follow his "rule" of keeping the door opened when I showered, he took it off.

That really hit me hard. It sent me into motion. I used to hate him, now I pity him... and am so happy for my peaceful life. I have tons of stories about his abusive and irrational behavior; but if you feel you were married to a narcissist, please share with me. Thanks.

Comment
by: BeckyM

Thank you for your encouragement.

To the Poster who wrote Addiction/abuse cycle: You have been together for long enough that I think you can trust your own judgment about what is going on in your relationship.

Is he a nice guy who just got messed up with drugs? Or, does he fit the profile of someone with Narcissist Personality Disorder? The NPD can be very charming, and many learn to cry real tears. But, they are not capable of feeling the true emotions of love, happiness and joy. They look for a partner who has those emotions (maybe in abundance). I've read that they envy people who possess those qualities.

Either way, you know if you have reached the point that continuing will bring more heartache. I applaud you for planning ahead to see an attorney and move forward. We all know it is not easy.

Addiction/abuse cycle
by: Scarlett

I’m going through the same thing. First of all, my husband is very emotionally and verbally abusive to me. We’ve been together for over 5 years and have two kids together. He has lied throughout our whole marriage and there seems to be a pattern that’s going on. I’ll catch him lying, smoking pot, watching dirty movies, etc. and then he tells he’ll change. For the next few months he’ll be a different man, helping out around the house and making an effector to be nice to me. But it never lasts.

About two months ago, I found out about something that could make him lose his job if it was discovered. Now he’s being really nice to me and going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings several times a week. But I wonder if my hopes for normalcy are clouding my judgment.

I know something has died inside of me over the years because I don’t feel anything when we make love and I don’t love him anymore. But is that reason enough to leave? I’m a Christian woman but he’s told me he doesn’t believe in God. It just feels like I’m in the same spot in the cycle where he’s being good after being caught being bad. And I just can’t do it anymore.

The Right Attorney
by: Laura

My attorney specializes in divorce and is very busy. How can I determine if she really understands the sociopathic behavior? I've read that without an attorney and Judge who are familiar with this condition, the full extent of the terrible treatment is not brought to light in Court. It becomes another "everybody lies" situation and the victim ends up being victimized once again.

Thanks
by: BeckyM

Thank you for the encouragement. I truly believe the various support groups that are now on the web have been a great assistance to my healing. This site answered many legal questions so I didn't have to spend $250/hour to ask questions I could find on my own.

To: Addiction and Abuse Tore Us Apart
by: Ramona

I am so happy to hear that you have "got yourself back." There is no greater gift that one can give oneself. I hope to have that present myself one day.

Congratulations on your strength, courage, and perseverance.

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