Rocky Toxic Marriage
by Beth
(NY NY)
My husband and I have been together since I was 15. He was my first love and we truly loved each other. Looking back, I realize we had children too young, I was 18 and he was 19. But during my pregnancy I changed and became cold and unloving. I have been that way ever since and it’s been eighteen years.
I kicked him out of the house almost every month of the year because of his lack of motivation to find a job, his weed smoking, my depression… if anything ever made me mad, I just would kick him out. He has cheated on me a couple of times and I’ve always taken him back because he has been remorseful. But now I see I would take him back and resent him more. I became emotionally abusive and was turning into someone I didn’t know.
It’s been eighteen years of this cycle and finally it’s ending. Two years ago, I kicked him out for the last time and he never returned. Physically he returned home but his heart he says is not here and this house doesn’t feel like home to him anymore. But still we have been separated through the weekends but he would stay over through the week. We have finally acknowledged that this relationship was toxic and we were making each other very unhappy. But still I miss him and wish he would come back home permanently.
Since then I finally have sought professional help because I have been depressed since childhood and never realized that. I have been suffering from depression and just thought that was the way I naturally was. Now I’m just suffering because since he left two years ago we never really separated correctly and now he feels it’s really over.
And yes I can acknowledge it’s been over for years.
But we still fight over why it’s been so rocky and whose fault it is. It just goes on and on. I miss him He will miss me and the kids and we end up being together for a while until he realizes again he doesn’t feel the same for me and we are not back together. Then I become more depressed and the cycle continues. It’s been a two year break up for an 18 year relationship. And I hope it doesn’t continue this way.
