I Got Tired of Being Controlled

by Anne Marie

After thirty years of marriage and two children (now in college), I finally found the courage to snap the chains that have controlled me for all of my married life.

My husband controlled the money. He opened accounts I didn't know about; he took my entire paycheck every month and gave me sixty dollars a month. (I make $65,000 a year). My husband controlled the heat and the electricity. If I turned up the heat, he turned it off. If I turned on a light, I returned to a room to find it had been shut off. My husband controlled the dishwasher; it wasn't to be used. My husband controlled the garbage. If I put potato peelings in the garbage, he took them out and threw them outside.

One might ask how or why I tolerated this behavior. I do, too. However, it was just "easier" to let him have his way so I didn't have to endure the angry outbursts, the yelling, and the belittling comments. I have learned that this is a "walking on eggshells" environment.

He kept me working while he took two sabbaticals and then retired. Finally, I began to realize that my life and circumstances were never going to change...unless I cut him loose. So, I took control of my money by canceling his "direct deposit," I opened up my own credit card account, as well as my own checking account. The first check I wrote was to my lawyer. I filed in July. I have a long way to go in this divorce process, but I gain strength by knowing that someday I will be in control of my money, as well as my life.

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Praying for change.
by: Anonymous

My husband swears and calls me every dirty names. He has spat on me, had an affair with a women from my bible study. He rushes home to eat supper on a stove that has been broken for three years. He tells me I am stupid and useless every single day.

I've been trying to defend myself for 23 years. Now he says that I am sickening and talk too much. He eats the dinner that I've cooked daily after swearing at me for buying the groceries to cook for him. Once he has eaten he rushes off to the TV. This has been happening for twenty years. If I sit with him and say one word that makes him unhappy he tells me to f*** off and get away from him.

I've been driving the children to school for twenty for years. I live in a country with-out much public transport for our children to get to school. When I did try to work he told me that the work was useless and stupid. He made a fool of me if I was acknowledged at work. He had parties in my home when I was away on work related trips. Eventually he stopped me from working.

He has been paying all the bills, now that I am older. He is telling me to F/off daily. My heart is broken because my children have also began talking to me exactly like he does, especially when they do not get their own way. I don't think I need what he has had to offer anymore. I don't think I want his big house or his expensive car anymore. This man has played emotional games with me to do with sex and everything that I can think of mainly financially.

My youngest son is 15 years old, I need the direction and will to move on. I do not want to spend the next fifty years of my life feeling as sad as I feel.

Lost and not sure what to do!
by: Anonymous

I've been with my daughter’s father since I was 19. When I first him, he was charming. I fell so in love. We moved in together and I was happy. The happiness didn't last long though. He started sleeping with all my friends and my coworkers. I got beat every time I'd question him about it. I've been spit on, busted lips, and bruised eyes and bruises all over my body. I stuck around because I was pregnant with my first child. His daughter.

As time went on it got worse. Then at the end of my pregnancy he got locked up. I was supporting him and our child and sent him all my money. However I had to work with the chicks he did me dirty with. After 2 years of being loyal, I cheated on him. I wanted him to feel the pain I've felt. I wanted him to hurt. Well before he went to prison he slept with my coworker, got her pregnant and she had an abortion. I got pregnant with my son and kept him.

Now he's been out and he wants me to get an apartment with him. I’m scared to. I know he's going to hurt me. I will never forget him cheating and beating me so bad I slept in closets and walked on eggshells. I use to be normal but I feel broken anymore. I love him. But I am scared to move in with him with 2 kids.

I keep telling myself he’ll change, but he never cares how I feel or even listens to me. He’s trying to make me quit my job and just rely upon him and move in with him. What do I do? I remember being his live-in slave. I’m seeing all these posts and I'm just scared.

Worst part is, he wants me to move far away with him. He won't come out here with me. He wants to take me out where he's at. Where I know nobody. Where I have no friends or family. I want to be with him but it’s been almost 6 years and he’s never is going to change. I’m starting to see it. When he'd cheat on me he'd spit on me, call me worthless while treating these other women like gold. Women I work with.

I know now living with him will be worse because I had a son on him. Now it’s like I'm asking to live a life of getting beat. He threatens me that if I leave him he's going to kick my face in, he’s going to murder me. I know he will too. I’ve seen his anger. I’m in love with an abusive man and I keep hoping for change but it will never happen. I read these posts and I see how some women moved in with these kind of men and are now unhappy, living through the abuse. I don't want to end up like that. I want to be happy. With him I doubt it will ever happen no more.

I am not a dog. I'm a woman and I deserve to be treated like it.

Party over
by: Anonymous

Time to put your foot down and move on.

I am tired
by: Anonymous

Hi, I have been going through verbal abuse since the time I dated my husband. He shouts vulgarities at me when he is angry and tells me to get lost and to go and die. I was a confident person, but I feel ever since I started dating him my self-esteem is low and I began to start believing the things he said to belittle me. Now he wants me to quit my job, which is stupid of course, because I earn more and am paying for everything in my house. And the fact is he can’t tell me to quit my job, but he said if I don’t he knows what to do. It has always been about him. I can’t meet my friends or go for family gathering because he doesn’t want me to. I used to have friends and now I haven’t met them for so long, and what saddens me is these friends were always there for me when I needed them and because of him I cannot repay them the gratitude when they want to meet. I can’t tell him things because I am worried he may not like it and shouts at me.

I want to get out but am not sure because I have a 1 yr. old son.

Just thought I’d share because I feel like a failure and I do feel like giving up.

What can I do but stay.
by: Anonymous

I have been married 30 years and all my life he checks everything I do or say. I have to have a witness for all my actions, and usually it’s my kids.

My husband makes sure I take one of my kids with me if I go to the shops. As they are getting older, they have refused to be dragged out with me, so he will watch the clock instead. I have to make sure I get the register receipt which will show the time I am in the shop. Once I didn’t get it and he argued with me all night.

I don’t get to know the neighbors because he will accuse me of infidelity and make us move. We have to move every year or so. Why do I stay? Well because I have no money because he controls it all and I have nowhere to go.

My youngest son will be old enough to leave school in a couple of years. I only hope I can last that long.

Read This Book, It Will Change Your Life
by: Anonymous

All I can say is that my heart is with all of you. I am in a similar situation but my husband goes away for work on contracts for 2 months at a time so I get my peace in between.

I emigrated from my home country and left my whole family behind, I have two wonderful children who are in their teens. I work in my husband's business however I have also got myself a new qualification in the health field which is opening a lot of doors for me. This is the first step into getting my own independence. I have my own bank account now (did not use to) and I also have a secret credit card in case I have to get out quickly and have access to money.

I have read tons of books but the one that comes to mind is "Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. This book was the first step in realizing that I had to do something for myself. It really opens your eyes to the absolutely crazy making behavior from these types of men and gives you potential red flags so that you do not fall for the same type again. Can you imagine leaving one marriage to get in a relationship with a similar type person?

I am still with my husband and we are "good" at the moment, I think this is because I have grown is business and it is now making a profit and he sees that I have my own independence. I am not sure if I will stay I am just taking baby steps to make myself stronger so that when I do decide to go I can support myself.

Big Internet Hug to you all, you are all amazing women and it is not your fault.

I married a control freak
by: Anonymous

Boy, can I relate. I've been with my husband 27 years, married for 20 years, and I'm not allowed to do absolutely anything. He controls everything, belittles me all the time, and threatens to cheat on me when something makes him mad. He treats his dog and his four kids better than he treats me. I'm at the end of my rope with him. I’m afraid to leave and not sure what to do. He makes me work all the time, and I have no say about it. I really need some advice. Trust me it gets worse.

same here
by: Anonymous

I am in same boat now after 20 years of Horrible times...Just as I’m ready to leave, he starts being really nice... I'm confused!!

Still hurting
by: Anonymous

The more you give to a man… the more they take. I started his business and much more. I’ve known my ex for 7 years and we were married for 4. It’s so hard to divorce someone when the Love is still there. I don’t want to be with him now, but it still hurts and it feels like it will never end. I have no desire to meet anyone else because the pain is still there. I divorced him 4 years ago. I just wonder if the Love will ever die!

by: Anonymous

I, too, have been dealing with the same thing. I've been married for 4 years, dated him for 9 years. When we got married, we both had jobs. Of course he was the bread winner but he agreed to pay the bigger bills and I would pay the smaller and buys household goods. Then he got promoted. We moved away from all of our family. Two years ago, we had our first daughter prematurely at 28 weeks. For a minute I thought that experience brought us closer together. Well the day we were finally able to bring her home, we decided that I needed to stay home with her for at least the first two years because she was on oxygen and a monitor. Well, I was getting unemployment so I still had money and he still paid the bills. Then last year we had another daughter. So, it was naturally cheaper for me to stay home with them until they start school. And I am fine with that. I love my girls. But here is where it started; he never helps me with them or the house. I do all the work inside and outside. He used to let me use the bank account once my unemployment ran out but now he has taken everything from me (debit cards, check books or anything that I can get money from) He gives me a 100 dollars every two weeks and tells me to make that last. He convinced me that my Altima was too small for the all four of us, especially when we visit back home, so I sold my car that was paid off and in MY name, and he got me an SUV. Or so he tells me it's mine but it's in his name. Every Tuesday and Thursday I have to take my 2 year old to speech therapy in the mornings, so naturally when we get out, as a reward for doing good, me and the girls go to McDonalds as a treat because it's cheap and she can play and to see her little face light up makes my world go round. Not only is he financially abusive, he is also verbally, emotionally and physically as well. I beg him not to yell at me in front of them. But he has me trapped. I have no money, no car of my own and my family is over 5 hours away and his family has more power than me. The one night I told him I was leaving he slammed me against the wall and told me that if I walked out that door that someone would find my dead, lifeless body in a ditch somewhere.

Just plain tired
by: Totally Exhausted

I have been married for 18 years to the "man of my dreams" or at least that's who I thought he was! We have five children, one of which is in heaven! I have known him for 20 years! He is a controlling, jealous and demanding man. His job requires him to wake up at 4:30 a.m. to drive an hour to get to work. I wake up at 4:00 to make his coffee, lunch and set out his clothes for the day! Since he works so far away, he has set up a security camera system, which he checks every night. I am left to transport the kids to and from school, clean the house, and make sure dinner is on the table when he gets home. If he finds anything out if place, I am spoken to like I am an irresponsible parent, wife! I have been belittled in front of friends, made to feel like a dog that got yelled at for biting the furniture! All I have asked from him is equality. I gave also been told that whoever taught me how to be a wife did a crappy job. I miss how we were several years ago. We have had a very stressful relationship for the past 15 years and its only getting worse! How can I find out what is going through his head? I'm tired of the name calling and being told to shut up.

My husband exactly
by: Anonymous

He’s only really loving and nice when he thinks I’m leaving or if I pay for everything.

Lack of understanding and a mismatch
by: Anonymous

I got married at the age of 16 and also had a kid at 17, but continued my studies till graduation. Perhaps this was possible because I stayed in my mom's home. Anyhow in spite of all this, my hubby didn't show any care, love, or affection...he just wanted money and sex… I was just being treated like a prostitute...and all my family members suffered because of him as well. He wanted to crab our peace all the time for each and every matter, even for food. Now I’m going on 8 years of the worst journey with him. Should I get a divorce from him? One more thing, I’m now jobless and we no longer live in my Mom’s house.

Modern slavery
by: Anonymous

Am 36 years old and have been married for 15 years and have two kids. My husband has been cheating on me on constant basis since I met him. I chose to ignore it awhile, but I couldn't any longer. He also started physically abusing me and calling me names. He treats me more like a slave and he never says he loves, holds my hand, or says anything good about me. Last year I wanted a divorce after I caught him with two women who were our working colleagues. And he had beaten me so bad I was bed ridden for two weeks. He begged me to stay and promised he was going to change. But just a month after that he’s still the same. Always complains, never helps in the house. Is he capable of changing at all? I’ve not experienced real affection with this man!

I wish I could leave but where to?
by: Anonymous

I have been married for 3 years. I have put up with my husband visiting whore houses. I have put up with him swearing and cursing me. I try my best to keep quiet. But he will fight about anything. I do everything for him. As soon as a woman’s car needs to get fixed he treats me like a dog, sorry worse. Where can I turn for help?

Woman's Divorce Page
by: Anonymous

Reading your articles help me so much. Been through a Divorce a year ago and it still hurts my heart. Relating to the others helps me to realize so many have been there and come out for the best. It encourages me a lot. Your website has been the counselor I needed but is free. Money is tight after the divorce and one income. Your website is fantastic! By: Anonymous

by: Anonymous

My husband is so full of ego, and controlling to the extreme. I can’t even have an adult conversation with him. He always has to have the upper-hand. I no longer enjoy taking walks with him because he mistreats me and yells at me. I smile on the outside to hide the deep pain inside. I do my best to make him feel comfortable, and he always finds fault in me. He gives me very little affection. All I want is a hug or a kiss. I love to communicate about different issues. I believe he is intimidated by my conversation. He talks about how great his conversation is when he goes out, but never shares his conversation with me. I no longer feel love for him like I used to. I'm fed up with his controlling behavior. Never wrong about anything, and always complementing himself and putting me down. I sing, write poetry, and have a very nice conversation. It's time for me to let him go!

Being in a Controlled Marriage
by: Anne MarieAnonymous

Hello, Anonymous

I am the person to whom you refer as writing first. I did so appreciate your comments, and I can certainly sympathize with your plight.

My husband controlled me and emotionally abused me for 30 years. Men like that use tactics similar to brainwashing to accomplish this feat. Their wives "walk on eggshells" all the time, because they learn the hard way that dissension will have some very bad consequences, usually angry and ugly shouting and cursing episodes, belittling, and dismissal of one's thoughts and feelings. Oh, it makes a woman so drained, so fearful, and so stressed. Over time, you can just lose your hope, your dreams, and your identity.
I did stay...because I didn't understand the nature of this "relationship" until I had counseling at a local Women's Resource Center. I also stayed for the sake of my children, but I wonder now what example that set for them or how scarred they might be from their father's "example."

As my later posts indicate, I am now divorced and back at home. Yes, there have been huge costs, both financial and emotional. Yet, I have been divorced for only six months now, and I know that the road will get smoother. My days are calmer now. I don't live in fear any more, and I do not dread coming home any longer. You see, my ex-husband stole much from me over the course of 30 years, but I would never let him have my soul or my heart. Somehow, I managed to keep my dignity, as well as my self-respect while his (if it ever existed) just disintegrated. I am proud of that...so very proud.

I wish you well and hope that you come to a conclusion which will satisfy you. However, from experience, I can say that men like these won't ever change. They don't even think they have a problem, and they see only their own needs. He told me he loved me when I filed for divorce, but I knew it wasn't true. Love doesn't hurt the way he made me hurt. It shouldn't...ever.

Please contact your local agencies for assistance in counseling. I'm sure there is a Women's Resource Center near you. They helped me. I hope they can help you, too.

Best wishes.

Being in a controlled marriage
by: Anonymous

“Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom.”
Marilyn Ferguson

Ladies, congratulation! I am proud of you. To the lady who wrote first: it was like reading my own life…Yes, my husband digs in trash and pick the stuff out, stuff that I put “incorrectly”. I learned to throw my trash just before the service picks it up, so he doesn’t see it. I learned to walk on eggshells. I learned not to eat from the to-go box but use a plate and separate fork. I learned to “hide” in the room for the weekends. I don’t laugh anymore…The finances are completely controlled by my husband; I have no access to anything. He bought a nice house before the marriage and has a wealthy income. I currently don’t work because I’m finishing my internship and taking classes in the evening. I live on my savings and what my mom sends. He still likes to comment on what I’m buying. I learned to hide stuff, including food. He doesn’t yell, curse, or drink but he also doesn't have friends, interests, or the need to do anything together. My situation is classic; no money, time, and place to go. Fear is big; I am a deer in the headlights! Should I wait until I finish school and find a job or should I file for divorce now, including temporary spousal support and application fee waiver? With a job, I wouldn’t be eligible for that. I have only been married for a year, but have known him for 5 years. Please don’t ask me why I married him…we all here made this mistake. We don’t have kids, thank the Lord! I hope I will still have a chance to bear children someday…I am not afraid to be alone or die alone. “Better to come home alone then come home and wish to be alone.”

The Control Is Gone Now
by: Anonymous


I just wanted to let everyone know that my divorce has been finalized. I feel so free, so unburdened, and so happy.

For all of you married to a controlling man, I would like to say from my experience that:

1. He will make you wait forever for the divorce. (I had to wait two years.)

2. If you filed first, he will make you pay for the house appraisals. He will not cooperate with his lawyer or yours.

3. He will cash in or hide any money or assets unless you take your half first or freeze the accounts.

4. He will turn your children and friends against you.

5. If you think he has already taken everything from you in marriage, he will steal everything he can from you in a divorce.

6. The legal battle will be long, expensive, and unfair in the end.

7. BUT LADIES, the end result is worth it. He can never do anything more to you...ever. He can never take anything more...ever. EVER! It is a nice word.

I am finally home in my house again (after a year and a half). It wasn't cheap, but being here alone is priceless. I sit on my deck, watch my dog run in the yard, and savor the peace and the quiet. No more yelling, pounding on the table, or cursing (Oh, "F" was his favorite word).

I wish you all well along this journey. I will keep all of you in my prayers. However, remember that if you had enough strength to file for a divorce, you certainly have enough strength to face the trials. Deciding to leave was the most difficult step, and you already took it.

Just do it…
by: Anonymous

To married for 34 years...You just get fed up enough with all the garbage you have put up with, are putting up with, and will put up with for the next 34 years and say "I am over this!!" I need a normal and healthy life. See an attorney and get the details. See more than 1 attorney, get names from friends and talk to others who have gone through this. I am ending my 27 year marriage. I have good days and bad days. I work and those are my best days. Weekends are not so good so far. But I have lots of support from family and friends. I feel like I am such a whiner, but everyone has assured me to keep the talk coming until it all goes away. I have been assured it will get better. I read these sites also and that helps when I don't want to bother my friends or family. Good luck.

Dying Alone/Controlling Marriage
by: Anonymous

LOL! What a great comment. It brings so much humor, as well as realism to the topic of a controlling marriage. Yes....why should he care if you died, when he never cared if you lived???? I have never thought of the situation that way before, but it is so true. Perhaps we should reverse the equation to say that YOU should care to live, not die inch by inch in a controlling and demeaning "marriage." Living...really living...is the greatest reward, as well as the greatest revenge. These men who think you can't live without them? Kick them to the curb, put on your red dress, and DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY!

I believe in tomorrow. I believe in myself. I believe in all of you, too!

So, let's go chase some rainbows! They do exist...and so do we.

Dying alone
by: Anonymous

Don't worry about dying alone...you are already dead -- living in a situation like that! Do you really think that he will "be there" for you when you are dying? And do you really want him to be there making you feel like a dying dog?!? Just imagine being ill, especially if it is long-term, and him supposedly taking care of you. Good grief. If you can't do anything right while living just think how wrong you'll do things dying. So what really do you have to lose?

I Got Tired of Being Controlled
by: Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

You go girl! I love your attitude, your strength, and your spirit. Yes, I agree. Life is filled with more possibilities, more joy, and more love than can ever exist in a controlling marriage.

I hope you find your rainbow, and I hope I find mine, too.

Don't look back
by: Anonymous

I have been married 27 years and have filed for divorce. It is difficult but for the first time in years I feel optimistic about my future, excited. I have a very good job so I am lucky that way. I am not afraid to die alone. I have a few friends and 2 great kids and a supportive family. Don't look back, and don't add too many "what ifs" to your vocabulary. I would rather die alone than remain married and die lonely. Get a dog or a cat, go walking, smile and look ahead, don't look back.

It's their problem.
by: Anonymous

I am in the same boat as you are but only for 2 1/2 years of marriage. I’ve known my husband for 4 1/2 years total. He treated me like a slave after 2 years of marriage and I could do nothing right. He made me feel 2 feet tall. I filled for divorce in July of this year. I love him with all my heart, but neither I nor anyone else deserves to be belittled and treated like a dog. It was the hardest thing to do but when I hurt in my heart from loving him, I quickly think of the nasty way he treated me. For me it's hard to feel anger, just hurt. I feel it’s a problem within them not us women.

I Got Tired of Being Controlled
by: Anne

Dear Anonymous,

Yes, it does take courage to walk away from a long-term marriage. It was most difficult to face my children. However, I was more scared of living another 20 years in a controlling, angry, and distant relationship. No, I am not afraid of dying alone because I am tired of essentially living alone without conversation, warmth, or respect. I just know that life has more to offer me and that I deserve more.

I have other people in my life who truly love and respect me. My friends and my family have been really supportive. I am hopeful, you know, for the first time in decades. Someday soon, I know I will have peace and beauty in my life. I can make my own decisions, do as I please, and finally grow as a person and as a woman.

I would suggest you see a lawyer, discuss your case, and gain information about your divorce assets. Most lawyers offer a half hour free consultation.

Believe that you are worth more and you will get it.

Best of luck to you

34 Years
by: Anonymous

Please tell me how you did this...after 30 years. How did you find the courage? Do you worry about dying alone? Are you scared? Do you worry that you will lose your job and then what will you do? I'm in this boat now and have been married for 34 years. How do I walk out of 34 years of marriage? Please help.

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