He Crushed My Spirit

by Tired and Hopeless
(California)

We have been married for two years and I would like to think we have a pretty good relationship in spite of our occasional arguments. But things between him and I started to change after I had the baby six months ago.

During the pregnancy I always felt that he could have done more, to educate himself so that we can make better choices, and better raised our baby. After taking a Lamaze class that we can barely afford, I told him I wanted to take additional classes to help me prepare for the baby like breastfeeding classes and preparatory classes to take care of the baby. After all, I was going to be a first time mother. But he didn't want me to, maybe it was for financial reasons, but if it was, he could've at least bought resources for me to read or do something. He didn't even do much research himself, anyway...

The baby arrives and no one told me how exhausted I was going to feel after birth. Arriving at home, I didn't really have anyone to help me care for me or the baby. My husband was tired, and then he didn't have any paternity leave, and he was a first time father himself. So I wanted my mother to come and help take care of me and get me on my feet the first few weeks, but my husband refused to let her stay at our apartment to help me because of the family conflict on my side of the family and the fact that she has been disrespectful to my husband by making racial comments. Despite the family drama, I needed someone to take care of me and he obviously didn't know how, but he could've let go of his pride and do what was best for me, I even told him I want my mom here, but he acted as if he didn't really care.

I had trouble breastfeeding my baby; I was only able to do that for a week or so because I was not getting enough rest, stressing over family, I was still a full-time student that had to attend class via webcam after 2 weeks post-birth with homework to turn in, and my husband ... busy at work. I found myself cleaning the bathroom, scrubbing the oven, and trying to keep the house sterile for the baby even when I could barely walk. My husband still didn't get the picture. This post-partum depression is starting to become more about depression in this marriage.

2 months after having the baby, I had to go to intern for the summer. One day while the baby was with me at work, on the way home, I had to stop by the gas station to put gas in the car because he "forgot" to put gas in the van and the baby was crying frantically, I didn't know what to do. I called my husband to come and get me because I couldn't drive and calm the baby down. I waited for 30 minutes did not see him. I called him again to see where he was. He was at a "mandatory fun" dinner for his job. He was not going to come and help me, so I had to call my supervisor to come and get me, she was kind of enough to do so, but I was so disappointed and so embarrassed.

And until this day we have arguments. I tried telling him I need help. I'm obviously depressed, crying every week since the middle of my pregnancy. He continues to put his work first. He doesn't care about what I have to say anymore. He is inconsiderate about my well-being and emotions and things I'm going through. And so far, today while I was having a crying episode because I couldn't get my homework done because the baby was fussy and crying from teething, he told to just "get over it already!" This is what drove me to look up this site. I want to leave my husband. I feel like a single mother anyway. And he keeps telling me it’s my fault. I'm always in the wrong about things. I'm married to a husband who is supposed to love me, provide for me, protect me, and care for me, but instead I'm miserably alone. He has totally crushed my spirit by his words and actions towards me.

I don't know how much longer I can hang in there. I can't talk to anyone else because I'm ashamed to admit that my marriage is not perfect. Help please ... losing hope.

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He finally broke my spirit after 3 decades together
by: Anonymous

I got married at 21 and moved far from home. I was completely isolated from my family and friends, and the only person I had in my life was my husband. Right from the start he was calling me stupid, ignorant and dumb. I got no credit for anything I did and everything was my always fault. Through the years I've dealt with this situation, always making excuses to myself as to why I should try and stay positive and not leave. Finally, I couldn't take any more emotional abuse and negativity. He had finally broken my spirit and I wanted to die. That's when I decided it was time to go and I've never looked back. Today I am happy, free and loving it.

Sorry
by: Anonymous

I don't know how long ago you posted this. Clearly you aren't getting your needs met, please consider leaving him. Until he gets counseling, if he even cares, you are wasting your time.

This is not who I want to be
by: Anonymous

Hi everyone, I've been married for 14 years. I was pregnant when we got married. Not even a year into our marriage he cheated on me with someone from work. All the signs were there but I was too naive and inexperienced to put the pieces together... Before I found out he cheated I left him and went to stay with my mom because he was being so moody and mean to me. But he wasn't calling names or bad words yet.

One day I decided to go pick up something I had left behind at our house and I caught him there with his lover. One of the most terrible days of my life. At that time our daughter was 3 months old. My world was shattered. So months went by and apparently he had a change of heart and decided to fight for our family... I forgave him and got pregnant again. Well during this pregnancy was when the name calling and bad words started. I was so emotional and sad. It's been that way ever since.

Now we have 5 children and I feel trapped. Not a day goes by where he doesn't call me a bitch or fat or stupid and lazy.... Or worse. I get blamed for everything even when he's at fault. There are days when things are ok. .. And I wish those days were every day. I can't have a simple conversation with him because if I have a different opinion then I must be stupid. Sometimes I feel he buys me expensive things to try and make up for things he's doing behind my back. I've caught him talking to ex-girlfriends. And sending pics of himself to another woman. And he still had the audacity to deny it when I confronted him with proof.

I rely solely on his income. We are living with my mom and he's helping her pay the house. If he leaves she won't be able to afford the payments. Throughout all these years my self-worth has plummeted. He never gives me complements never says I'm pretty. Doesn't have consideration for me. He's humiliated me in front of his family. I put on a front in front of people so they don't see how broken I am. I don't think my mom knows how I truly feel inside. I'm embarrassed to tell anyone. I feel like I made the choice to stay and now I have to pay for it. My children are doing so well in school and I’m afraid if we were to separate it would affect them greatly. They don't know how their father treats me.

He didn’t respect me
by: Natalie

He degraded me, minimizing me on a regular basis. He would not give me credit for anything good. He was a serial cheater/liar. He financially handicapped me by not wanting me to have my own income.

This divorce is in the process. I don't know what is going to happen, but I cannot afford to continue this downtrodden existence. My health has been affected as much as my personal finances.

Thanking God I’m not alone
by: Anonymous

I have been married for four years now and even though my husband had a previous child which he now has full custody of (14), we also have two little kids of our own 3 and 1. And I too have been a single parent. When I got pregnant with my first, he used to help around the house at least, but that stopped after she was born. I’ve dealt with him trash talking me and he pretty much destroyed whatever little confidence I had. I had NO help at all after she was born and I had to cook, clean, run errands, doc visits by myself with the baby. It was brutal. He complained constantly about the house not being as clean as he wanted it to be and he was tired of me blaming the baby. He's put me down in front of his family and acts like a butt around mine. They don't visit me as much because of his attitude. Then he didn’t even show up for her first birthday party. And on top of that, he’s been online chatting on porn sites and talking to other woman on his phone. He wanted to divorce me several times is all I heard during the first year of our marriage. Then after my daughters first birthday I found out I was pregnant again… Things go good for a while, and then he blows temper tantrums and says all kinds of things… By the end of that year he told me to get out and find me somewhere else to stay and that the kids were more than welcome but I’m not... Foolishly I forgave him and came back. My mother came to help me out and he acts like he doesn’t care two cents about my family; like they are not good enough. And yet everything the kids do, like fall or hit themselves, I’m at fault and to blame. That’s just the tip of the iceberg but I’m tired and contemplating on a divorce. I’m so scared to tell him how I feel because he’s not been there emotionally to help me. I feel like I’m trapped in this house...I’m a stay at home mom and I do the best that I can do to lack of sleep at times. He only helps out with them because they are a little older but always says to me that they are my kids....I’m beyond dealing with his attitude and I feel like I’m dead on the inside with nowhere to go but inside my head. I feel as though I’m already a single parent and he’s living like he has no responsibilities here. I feel that its best to move on...is it wrong of me to feel confident in leaving him?

Been there done that
by: Anonymous

I Googled divorce sites because I am ready to get out and I happened on this one and your post. Your marriage sounds like mine did in the beginning. The baby scenario is exactly the same and I'm here to tell you it does not get better. He may have times where you will get lulled into thinking it is getting better but he will always go back to his selfish, disrespectful self. Trust me. 20 years and two beautiful girls later, I am a depressed resentful person who has taken so much verbal abuse that I hate him. He is destroying my girls’ self-esteem too and I'm done. The emotional abuse is too much to bear for me anymore but the fact that my teenage daughters are being traumatized too is killing me. I can't believe I waited this long. My kids have seen and heard too much and I am afraid for them......hoping they do not meet a man like their father and do what I did. Please leave now and move on. You are a single parent already and you will be even if he is there, believe me- I’ve lived it. Good luck and follow your inner voice- trust it, it knows... I didn't and I hate myself for it.

Hanging by a thin thread
by: tired and hopeless

It has been a few months since I first posted on here. Certain days are better than others, but marital issues still remain. He has gotten better taking care of the baby, perhaps it’s because the baby is a little bigger now and fun to play with.

Our marriage continues to be a challenge. He doesn't like listening to me talk or bring up issues. He doesn't allow me to finish my thoughts and wakes up the next day like everything is ok. He lacks good reasoning skills and discernment. When I see a potential disaster I try to warn him, but he doesn't take my advice, he learns after the disaster hits and then don't bother apologizing or dread the words "I told you so."

I feel like I'm in a state of depression that I can't seem to dig my way out. I think I married him out of guilt rather than out of true love. I mean I love him, but I think I decided to say Yes is because I felt guilty for hurting him in the past while we were dating, I dated other guys. And he hung in there and stuck with me. But now, I can't get him to comfort me when I'm sad about my aunt, who is like my mother to me, and she passed away a day before our baby was born. I can't even talk about that. I can't talk about the dramatic changes that have taken place in my life. I can't talk about how I feel. My voice is silent. My heart is flooding with silent tears that no one can hear.

The only thing that keeps me going is my son. He is so precious. And so there are days I feel guilty because I want my son to have a happy family. I don't want to raise my son in a single-parent home. I pray that everything will work out, but I don't think that is going to happen anytime soon. I just want to close my eyes and wish the pain & hurt away. There are days I close my eyes and hope that I awake in a different place, an island perhaps. I wish I could turn the hands of time and start all over again. But I am here now, and I don't know what to do. I'm just numb and stuck in a place that is cold, dark, and lonely.

Exhausting
by: Lina Pamposelli

This is really hard... sometimes when I go over my mom house and I look around I remember how it used to be my life everything we had, the house, the cars, the pool and backyard, the swing were I used to sleep sometimes when I thought I was depressed, the living room where I used to dance, our bedroom, the TV all those things that really mean nothing. Right now I don’t know what I miss, I almost have the same things now, it’s just that I have no body to share them with, maybe that’s why it is so hard. I need to get over the fact that one day my life is going to be like that again.
I need to understand that I am alone, because I choose to be alone, and that was not the life I wanted fill with thing but empty inside, I need to work on myself now. Fill the holes of an empty relationship and start again. This is exhausting.

Own your spirit.
by: Anonymous

I know how you are feeling all too well. I was married for 8 years, I have two children 8 and 2 and I have finally left my husband due to reasons unrelated to our children, but I have experience in your problem. Our first child was traumatized my husband, he didn't know what to do and avoided her or anything to do with her as much as possible. It was a mission impossible if I wanted to leave her just to go to the store because he was afraid of messing up or hurting her. Of course I didn't learn this until much later in our marriage. When my daughter was older and self-sufficient that was the case and he confessed. He is so much better now and he will do things with her but he still doesn't take care of her if you know what I mean. Like I would be gone and pick her up from work and she has the same clothes on from yesterday and she didn't brush her teeth or hadn’t had a bath. If I asked him to baby sit, my daughter’s family would have my child as soon as I left because he is that selfish that she interfered with what he wanted to do. I went to school and worked part time and was a mother and wife. All he did was go to work and hang out with his friends.

Instead of bashing my husband, they say the first year is the hardest especially as new parents and I totally agree with that. It’s so hard to find your routine and your groove and what’s expected of you and him. I would recommend putting your school on hold. I know you don't want to, but even if it’s just a semester to get into a routine and let things settle down. Talk with your husband and find out if he is scared and if he will be willing to just watch her in the same room with you so you can just lay there and watch them bond...something to relieve your stress. I think right now your plate is too full with no help and you’re going to explode, burn out or have a post-partum meltdown. And right now that is the last thing that needs to happen.

I don't know if your issues with your husband are from just the baby or are deeper than that, as mine were. But if these just started since you got pregnant and had the baby, I say take a deep breath and see how to minimize your plate without help. Then if you can manage to get his help that would be all the more of a blessing. And if you need more help, by all means ...go where you need to be to get it. If you have to go to your moms, go. Your mental health is the most important thing over all right now. Without that you cannot be an effective mother to your baby. I hope this helped and I will be praying for your family.

I'm trying
by: Tired and Hopeless

Thank you for your responses ladies. I find myself here because I feel I have no one else to really talk to about this. I've been pushing the issue to go to counseling, but when I do he tries to downplay our marriage issues and think he can fix them on his own ... and it turns into a "you need to change" or "you need to change your attitude." Well ... sorry, I just had a baby and I need to change? He doesn't get it, and he doesn't understand. I don't know how to make him understand. It seems like he just wants to ignore that we have issues.

I didn't mean to go off on a rant. I just really want to say thank you for your words of encouragement and advice. I am trying to do my best to just focus on me and baby right now. As far as the marriage ... well see

Be Strong for Yourself and Your Child
by: Anonymous

I, like the previous writer, am just coming out of a 30 year marriage. My heart was broken and my spirit crushed within the first year of our marriage when I was 6 months pregnant with our first child. I had a second child during the marriage. They are the joy of my life. However, during the marriage my self-worth dropped to zero because of the way my husband treated me. We had many arguments too, about everything. He was even ready to leave before the baby was born.

He never liked my family, just like your husband doesn't like your mother. Probably because your mother can see right through him and your husband can't fool her like he does everyone else.
There were 2 affairs I knew of. I don't know how many more had the truth been known. I lived all over the U.S. so my husband could "climb the corporate ladder". And in the end I was miserable because everything was all about him.

It is apparent your husband is not emotionally engaged with you or his child. You and the baby are NOT his first priority. You must open your eyes and see the red flags; because they are there right in front of you. Chances are your husband is not going to change. But that doesn't mean he can't change.
You are in a difficult and challenging place right now. You must think of yourself and your child first. Seek counseling and professional advice before making any big decisions. You need support right now so you are not in this alone. Obviously you have no support coming from your husband.

Make yourself a strong woman. You have the power within yourself to do so. You just need to dig deep down inside yourself to find it. If you need to let some things go until you can become stronger, it is OK. There are many free resources in every community. You just need to search for them. Even if some classes charge a fee if you let them know you have limited funds, many will make exceptions. Don't be too hard on yourself and expect too much too soon. You have been through a life changing event becoming a new mother. Do these things for yourself and your child. If trying with this man you can honestly say you are not happy, don't waste your life. Life is too short to live life being unhappy. Your child will grow up hearing nothing but a mother and father arguing. That's not a good life for any child now is it?

He Crushed My Spirit
by: Anonymous

Yes, he did crush your spirit.

A husband should show concern and empathy for his wife, especially one who has so many more jobs than he. A father should share in the upbringing of his child...the nightly feedings...the diaper changes...the "crying all night episodes." A father should feel an obligation to his child, as well as concern for the physical and emotional toll that motherhood takes on his wife.

I have to ask: Did he want this child? You are a new mother now. Are you willing to be a mother to your child, as well as to your husband? Think about that, because it is a heavy load.

I cannot tell you what to do, although I sympathize with your plight. There are some steps I could recommend, but I don't know if they would be helpful to you:
1. Communicate with your husband about your problems.

2. If he can't help you with your work load, try to enlist the help of other family members.

3. If your husband still won't change, you could try marriage counseling.

4. Contact your local "Women's Resource Center." They can provide free counseling and safety if you need it. They can also provide free legal counsel if you can't afford it.

I wish you well. A spirit is a hard thing to crush. Once crushed, it is not easily retrieved. I am divorcing a man to whom I have been married for 30 years. Yes. He "crushed me"; totally and completely. Yet still, I have found the strength to rebel, the determination to succeed, and the resolve to survive.

When we are pushed beyond our limits, somehow we all find a way to say "enough." Only you can know your limits. However, your strength will always surprise you.

Best of luck

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