Tired of walking on eggshells

by Wanting to move on without him
(United States)

I have been married for 27 years. My husband is nine years older than I am. From the very start of our relationship, my husband was very controlling and had a very serious anger problem.

I am a minister and have been very successful over the years, allowing our family to have a lot of perks, cars, money, etc. When the real estate market crashed, we lost everything. I was somewhat relived because I carried a lot of weight for many years with having to make sure we maintained this lifestyle.

I have since then started other businesses. The businesses are doing well which means we will be back in position to enjoy the perks we once had. My husband has a stable job that takes care of our current living situation and mainly takes care of our health care benefits, which is much appreciated and necessary for our stable foundation.

I feel like I need to divorce this man because he still has not learned to respect me. When my daughter was younger, he was always impatient, verbally and physically abusive, bullied me and was very arrogant and selfish. Although he is no longer physically abusive, he is still very verbally abusive.
He treats me like I am the enemy, when he feels like cursing me out, he does just that. He is loud and feels like he can disrespect me in front of his sister and his brother-in-law (which he considers his best friend).

Now that I am in a different season of my life I am not going to allow the disrespect ANYMORE. I have bent over backwards to make sure my husband feels respected, cared for and loved. I encourage him, I always speak very highly of him and I am always available for him intimately. I'm just tried and I have a strong desire to move forward into my latter years without feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around him.

I understand there are no perfect relationships. But what I will not continue is to allow my husband to continue to verbally abuse me. Over the years, my husband has done this many, many times. I would threaten him, he would get better and then he goes back to the same behavior. His negative energy is contagious and it is draining me. If I say the glass is half full, he says it's empty. If I say it's black, he says it is white. He constantly wants to be right and is too controlling. And I am tired. I feel like I need to call his bluff and prove to him, I will no longer tolerate his behavior of calling me words that I do not deserve.

Comments for Tired of walking on eggshells

Post reply

Women who are Divorced do get treated differently.
by: Anonymous

I been told this many times, "If you leave your husband at an older age, don't expected to be treated the same".

I too walk on eggshells, sometimes. My husband and I barely speak. We hardly go anyplace together. He gets upset over things that make no sense. For example, his friend and wife are going to vacation for ten days. And he seemed to start getting an altitude about it. Usually it starts out with I'm tired of being poor. Well when I see the attitude pop up, I become the enabler by making light of everything.

I been putting up with this for a while. Now 30 years later, I'm getting tired. I gave it my all. I always tried to make him happy and put his needs first. Now, I put my needs first. I got asked to lunch once. It was so nice to be with someone where I didn't feel like I'm walking on eggshells. So I thought divorce. There is something or someone missing in my life. But I been told beware.

Once you’re alone and have that title of newly divorced, people will treat you different.

Same story
by: Anonymous

Reading these stories is like a mirror image of my life...in a way. However, I am totally dependent on him financially and if we split, I will be homeless and penniless. I am 52 years old and made the mistake of being "old school" by allowing the man to earn the money while I was the full time home maker and full time mother. Disabled now due to serious back problems, I am trying hard to at least get approved for SSI even if it’s just $700 a month at least it’s a start. He always said he would leave and hide somewhere on this planet before he would pay me alimony. We share pets, not kids, thankfully, but that saddens me too because he would keep the pets (where would I put them??) we have five cats and one dog and they all love me and depend on ME. He would not know how to care for them. I am sick over this. Even more sick is that I wish he would just get sick and pass away Is that TERRIBLE or is that TERRIBLE?

Emotionally manipulative
by: Anonymous

I've been married for almost 27 years. The first 15 I was so busy having babies and taking care of everyone it was easy to go with the flow and I had enough energy and good will in me to forgive and forget.

Eventually, the cycle of abuse and manipulation got clearer. He'd get stressed out and just start ignoring me, not touching me, not interested in me, was overwhelmed and pessimistic, depressed and aggravated by everything. He needed everything to go his way- if I tried to talk to him he twisted everything around to make me think I was crazy. I started doubting my own thoughts- was I so unlovable, so insane?

My self-esteem eroded, I blamed myself for our problems until I realized it wasn't me. When I'd had enough I'd let him know- and he'd apologize that I felt that way- or that I had interpreted his actions in such a negative way, (not apologize for what his did, though) he said he'd try, he didn't want to lose me, he loved me. He'd be sweeter, he'd be more physical and affectionate, he would try to be more attentive and kinder for a week or two, but it didn't last.

Eventually, the sweeter times got shorter and the controlling mean abusive times got longer and I had less and less to give, and it took more and more of his trying to make me feel anything. He broke me. I am numb and emotionless now. We decided to separate after the holidays because we can't afford two households right now. I've been sick with so many things over the last 10 years, I almost left him then. I should've listened to my body and my soul- it knew he was going to drive me nuts! Now I can start over and finally take care of myself, if I can remember how!

From the other side
by: Jim

I disagree, a divorce may not be the answer. 2 and half months ago my wife of 21 years came to me and said she wanted a divorce, she was walking on eggshells. I was devastated. I never expected it. In fact we just came off a wonderful weekend in NY and 24 hours later she wants a divorce.

The eggshells? I never heard this before, I did not know. I have never been physically abusive but looking back I was verbally. About once a month I would blow up about something stupid and turn an issues or small argument into a giant fight always trying to prove I was right. I have always been faithful and to me we had a good marriage. But I never knew.

She met a man and began an emotional affair that gave her the strength to want to divorce me and with that, my life, the woman I truly adore, our family were gone.

I wish I could speak to the men here, those few weeks were darker than any I have ever imagined. Hurt by the surprise, the loss, the infidelity, the loneliness, and now, with the knowledge of the hurt I caused (the eggshells if you will), I made the commitment to step up and fight for my wife.

It’s only been two months but here is what I have done:

Vowed to tell my wife how much I love and adore her every day, many times a day. I send her every morning a "Love text" telling her how I appreciate her. I call her, I ask her about her day, I do something nice for her every day.

I connect with her each day; drinks out of the house, just talking at night, in bed.

I talked to the doctor about anxiety meds and started them.

I am seeing a counselor to help with the anxiety and help me forgive the infidelity knowing the bigger picture, the marriage, is more important.

I am getting out of my comfort zone so I don't slip back - I switched sides in the bed so I wake up every morning reminding myself that things must be different. I hated to dance but she loves it, so I dumped $2k into dancing lessons for me.

I carry in a small containing in my pocket of eggshells so I never forget.

I WOULD HAVE done all of this without the declaration of divorce if I only knew. We men are dumb creatures; if you want the marriage to work find a way to get through to him. Have a friend help, anything, but you need to tell him how you feel.

Things are on the mend but it will be a long road. We are both hopeful and excited about the potential new future.

Tell him!

Tired of walking on Eggshells
by: Anonymous

Yes these type of men are night mares to divorce (Usually your passive-aggressive or Narcissistic personally types) I am still just now after 15 months and 7K later coming to a settlement. He filed the divorce on top of it and created the run up of costs to lawyers. Has lied throughout the whole discovery process, covered up his assets to debt ratio, and to think I loved this man broke my heart. I don't know who he is after 12 yrs.

But also you have to be true to yourself. I will admit I got so tired of coming home after work after my kid texting me at work that my husband's in a bad mood again; coming home IN a good mood just to let someone with negative emotions shoot it down. After a while I admit some nights I just drove home slower. And I gave up on walking in happy.

They will suck your happiness if you allow it. That’s why I let the divorce ride and didn't really try to make it work towards the last year, nor tried real hard to get back together. It hasn't been easy and I have my moments I do miss him. But again, it’s no way to live, walking on Egg shells, riding the roller coaster of emotions. One day this it OK the next it is not.

For MY self no company is better than bad company. There are all kinds of things in the world other than dealing with a negative person who wants to suck your joy== down as they are. So true: Misery loves company. Best to all, and find your inner peace. God bless

Feeling the same way...
by: Anonymous

Reading your story is like a mirror image of mine! I am struggling with the decision to divorce or not to divorce. My husband is exactly as yours in that in the beginning, there was a lot of physical abuse (on both sides) but as we grew, that died down but not his verbal abuse. Now, I am just tired of the intimidation. I have done all that you have done: he is on SS disability has had cancer, bypass surgery, and other medical issues and yet, I completely supported and took care of him through all of this. My husband's 36-year-old son died last May of a drug overdose and although he was my stepson (we have been married for almost 29 years), I seem to be feeling the loss more than my husband, who simply "blames" my stepson for having a drug addiction. I am like you...tired! I love my husband with all my heart but I am so tired of not being able to tell him things that are bothering him without him blowing up at me, especially where he is concerned. He tries to control me in certain situations (not always) to the point that I am scared to even move sometimes for fear that he will physically stop me as he used to. His brother is the same way and my sister-in-law has lived like that for over 40 years! At 50 years old, I feel that I have had enough no matter how much I love him. I would rather be by myself for the next 20 years rather than live like this. My husband does do a lot for me but it's his anger and control issues that are completely destroying who I am...

Prepare to be alone in a couple's world.
by: Anonymous

You are making a very difficult decision, however, most likely a positive one. Please be prepared for this man to make the divorce process very difficult as "what is his is his" and "what is yours is his" in his mind. My ex (after 25 years) got a Harvard attorney to attempt to extort me, and yet he was the one cheating, lying and abusing. I was happy with a 50/50 split but he probably spent thousands of dollars attempting to destroy me for three years. The court saw through him and his blowhard attorney though. Our friends remained "his" friends due to his lies about me and "my behavior" designed to cover up his affair at his work. It was his behavior that didn't pass the smell test. As strong as I was, our society isn't designed for including women married over 25 years and then single. Prepare to be excluded from most social life except with the other single women and the men, like your ex, looking to refill their job description for a wife to take care of them and their "needs." Married couples don't socialize with divorced women and there aren't very many singles out there, male or female. Ten years later, I am not at all lonely, but I am very much alone in the social sense. It took a while to get used to and was disorienting for quite some time!

Post reply

Share Your Reasons For Divorce.