I Left The Abuse

by BlueClover

I finally had enough of the Verbal and Emotional Abuse after being married for seven years and having two kids. Ladies, don't wait until you have a scar on your face to prove you have had enough. Emotional & verbal abuse leaves deeper scars that no wound could ever show.

I thought I married a very intelligent and good looking man. For the most part, he played the perfect part to everyone’s eyes. Unfortunately, this "wonderful' man had deep wounds that were never healed (broken home, unstable parents, drug addiction). My husband could have had Borderline Personality Disorder or Bi Polar, I am not sure. I can’t diagnose the man, but I know in my heart he needed help.

His moods were HOT and Cold. When he was under stress, I knew I was going to have a bad day. I took a lot of verbal bantering; I often thought I married a 7 year old. I was constantly accused of cheating on him. There was never any proof because it never happened. It got to a point that I was being spied on. He followed me through the IPhone Apps, he knew what songs I was downloading and what I was doing on my computer, plus, I completely lost all control of finances. I was lucky to even have 20 bucks in my pocket.

I can make every excuse for this man, but the truth is… a man who cannot control himself and his emotions is not our problem. It is theirs and the sooner you realize this, the sooner you can get out. Trust your gut and your deep instincts, if it feels wrong IT IS WRONG.

He will make you feel shame and guilt for trying to leave. He may verbally banter and abuse you for taking a stand. He may even make you feel like you are the crazy one that needs help. Don’t take it, leave. He will NEVER change, let me repeat, he will NEVER change.

I left 3 times. THREE TIMES, and each time he promised to change. Each time he promised to get therapy, another time we tried God, he refused any help. Each time I came back, he promised he would never raise his voice or hurt me again.

As much as I would like to take credit that I left on my own, THANK THE LORD my parents intervened with this horrific relationship, and I will advise to anyone going through emotional and verbal abuse by a partner, TELL SOMEONE. Silence is the greatest enemy in all of this. The more people you tell the easier it will be for you to get help and leave. Speaking out will also cause your abuser to feel some shame and grow a conscious that what he is doing is wrong. My heart goes out to anyone ever going through this horrific period in their life. Please don’t be someone who says they have been with their abuser for 20 or 30 years. Your soul is talking to you, listen to it.

Comments for I Left The Abuse

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I'm the abuser
by: Anonymous

My poor fiancé has put up with me for 7 years. I have battled addiction for our entire relationship and I am the devil when I have relapsed and this poor, beautiful, woman of my dreams has to suffer.

Substance abuse makes an individual believe their significant others are being unfaithful in some way and so the battle begins and the innocent are scarred. As the addict sobers up, they expect instant forgiveness and love just as the disease itself is an instant fix.

I know as I continually work to better myself and be honest and selfless that I may someday deserve this angel I have been blessed with. I fear the vicious cycle has destroyed too much and I don’t know how to let her go though I know it may be the right thing to do.

My heart and prayers go out to the abused.

When everything turns to the worst scenario. There is still hope.
by: Anonymous

I’m still living with such a man. For 16 years he has played mind games and has told me how I would never amount to anything, I was lazy, fat, a bad mother and the list is long. He has successfully turned my kids against my family and had them thinking I was an irresponsible parent to my kids. Thank god staying in the house gave me time to keep a certain bond with them. In this case I’m the one who ended up with a drug addiction to help numb the pain and keep up with his demands because I thought it was normal and I was lacking.

I ended up in the hospital with depression. He degraded our son who is an amazing kid. He took me to court and filed for full custody and get this, he won. He took a few select and very damaging medical records I had at the house and the judge believed him. He manipulated everyone successfully and still he does not want me to move on. I found an apartment today and he became verbally abusive for no reason. I was positive and trying to stay this was. I’m just worried for the kids. I have sheltered them as much as I can and have never talked bad about their father and have not defended myself of the lies because they don't need to hear that. I love them so much. I've been an excellent mother and that gives me peace but I should have left a long time ago.

Never thought it would be me!
by: Anonymous

It was the same for me. I have been with my husband for 10 years. He gets drunk, then he gets this look in his eyes, then he starts calling me every bad name there is. Fat, b#$%, hoe, stupid, lazy, etc. He does what he wants when he wants. Doesn’t ask what I want to do or how my day is going. He has football gatherings at the house without asking or telling me. So I'm stuck cooking and cleaning while he has a great time. He's driving a new car while mine needs ac/heat and other maintenance that he ignores. I can't take it anymore. I never call him names. But it’s so easy for him to hurt my feelings. Like he likes it when I cry. Like I am beneath him.

Feeling broken
by: Anonymous

Your story really helped me. I'm so angry. He left the relationship. It was hard for me to leave because we would be homeless. I stayed because I was in shock by some of the things that were said. And for some odd reason I wanted it all taken back or explained so as what was said didn't exist. It's harder than I thought, the scars left by the things that were said to me. I feel I need more help and feel the need to share my story. Any advice?

Help, I'm lost
by: Anonymous

I have been with this man for a year after I met him and right away we got pregnant and we started living together. I believed everything he told me about himself and now our baby is born and I found out he’s not who he said he is. I don’t know if that is his real name. He’s abusing me in every way he can (even pregnant he would hurt me). I left him and now he’s threatening me with our baby. I just found out he’s with another women through Facebook. He’s harassing me with other fb accounts including this woman’s. He wants to take away my son and he has my old fb password and he’s posting bad stuff about me to try and accuse me of prostitution. I always tried to make him happy but he never saw my effort. I don’t know why he hates me and wants to hurt me. The last time I saw him was so he could see our baby and we went to the park and he started pressuring me about getting back together. When I refused he got mad at me and drove me and our 4month baby away from my mother’s house (where I was staying). He took away my diaper bag and car seat and left me and our baby in the Vegas sun (very hot to walk). I was crying and couldn't believe that a man who said that loves us was hurting us... I need help. I’m weak and depressed. I don’t want him taking away my son. He’s a manipulative person. I feel like trash and defeated. I need help please!!!

An era of trust is gone
by: Anonymous

Very similar story to my own; down to my leaving the house with our daughter on 3 occasions to escape the seething disdain, emotional incompetence and constant blame of myself and basically everyone and everything else for whatever was not going his way; me, his boss and coworkers, friends, strangers. 11 years I supported him unconditionally through jobs and job losses, business ideas, personal interests, financial downturn, downsizing, etc...I battled depression on and off throughout the relationship. I tried communicating to the best of my ability the disconnect I felt emotionally, spiritually and physically so admittedly, toward the end, I resented him deeply and it showed.

Reading back to journal entries from when we first met I can see that the same issues were already there and I pinpointed them without really understanding them; a girl of 21 who knew everything and nothing at all. An ex-military officer, recruited and trained at 18 (a mere boy trained to be both superior and obedient), who served overseas and saw action in Afghanistan. We married 2 months after his return and I knew something wasn't 'right'. It has always been a struggle with us for some reason or another.

I broke down crying when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant going on 3 years ago now. At some level I knew and felt that the baby was both a blessing and a curse. He pinpoints the last 2 years as being the worst; after asking if it has anything to do with our 2 year old daughter he vehemently denies it, but I see no other correlation. He is no longer in control and my attention, focus and purpose has changed irrevocably.

It has been 5 months since he left us and an era of trust is lost in an instant; he abandoned his child and moved back home to New Zealand. How a person would do this is beyond comprehension but I've let go trying to understand in order to move forward and his only explanation has been to save himself. Ironically the separation has given me time and space to see things more clearly.

We were two kids going through the paces. Emotionally and mentally stunted. Both with broken families; mine without a father of my own and no one guiding me emotionally through childhood and adolescence, with sexual abuse to boot. His with a narcissistic, controlling broken mother who both loves and hates fiercely and won't hesitate to cut you out of her life...Regardless, we all have a story and we both carry our baggage but it got too heavy.

I am now not only left to deal with all joint responsibilities from our life but to raise our precious 2 year old who is asking where daddy is, will he be coming in the front door? I am dealing and healing with my own guilt for how I participated in the breakdown of our relationship; words can inflict unspeakable pain. I am also more fiercely aware of my boundaries and what I will and will not tolerate from a partner; my daughter and I must be someone's first priority. I'm working on my trust issues and half the battle is knowing you have them. Apparently he doesn't need counseling and he is happy with himself and who he has become ... enough said then is what I've come to realize. I will not chase anyone who so willingly and rapidly disappears from the life he claims to have worked so tirelessly to build.

Life is so precious and I have much yet to learn about love and isn't that what it's all about...

This is help
by: Anonymous

I don't know much about it but there is an organization called "purple purse" that helps women financially so they can leave abusive relationships. I have only recently sent for more information but check it out it may provide the help some of you need.

You are not trapped
by: Anonymous

The abuser makes you believe you are trapped. I stayed for 22 years because I have 7 kids with him and didn't want to live on the streets with my kids. I thought I was trapped. I was abused mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, verbally and sexually.

But I always made excuses. Maybe if I tried harder. He isn't always like that. He is a good dad. The kids need their father. I have nothing, everything is his. I was trapped. But it wasn't true.

There is help and hope. Go to the shelter. They will help. Break the cycle of abuse. Give your children a better future. It breaks my heart to hear so many stories that I can relate to. There is so much pain and suffering. Leave it behind and don't look back. Leaving was the hardest thing I ever did. I still have doubts sometimes. But when I read these stories that are so much like my own, I know that I did the right thing. Starting out with nothing is hard but in the end, it's just money and stuff. I still have my soul. And I don't have to be afraid anymore. I can do anything.

by: Anonymous

I'm 23 years old and I have 2 wonderful kids with this guy and he is 29, he has been to rehab 3 times for drugs and alcohol before I met him and I left my whole family in northern Iowa to move to southern Iowa by his family because he said he would be better here. Wrong! I can't trust him with anything. He won't come home right after work. He drinks beer so I don't trust him with his own vehicle. He gets his paycheck and it's gone and. I don't see any of the money. He makes his mom and dad pay for everything and I mean everything and they continually do so! He calls me and the kids’ horrible names! He takes Ritalin for hdhd and snorts a whole month worth in less than two weeks! But I'm worried that if I leave him his mommy and daddy will pay for him to fight me in court to see my kids and I can't trust them with my kids!

Nothing left
by: Anonymous

I have no one to help me get out. I am in the back room of my house alone. My kids are grown and they left because of the abuse my narcissistic husband did. I have no money and have a broken hand. I don't know what to do. My name is on his company, so I can’t get help from the state. Help.

by: different day

I sit in the same corner as most of you, for almost 30 years. But now I'm fighting back and I am going back to college. I've been going for almost 2 years and I have 2 more years to go. I hope I can make it that long. You all are wondering why I can’t just leave him. Let me tell you why. He kept me pregnant 4 times using my faith and then telling me I had to be a stay home mom and house wife. I felt it was a privilege to be able to stay home enjoy my children and take care of my husband and our home.

But you see, he failed to let me know during this I would not be completely happy; not unless he was happy too. I wasn't going to ever get a job where it could possibly become a career. I always was at arm’s reach of one, but he was always one step ahead of me. The way he thought about me, it was like he despised me. Listen, what I'm trying to say is I loved him with my whole heart, but I didn't love myself enough to make this abuse go away.

So in the last 2 years of college, I have taken psychology classes to learn about people like him, and people like me. Understanding who I am has given me purpose. And if I have to use him these next 2 years to get through school, I will. It's the least he can do.

I know exactly
by: Yes2yes

Omg- I read this and was thinking this is me- I've been in a physical and metal verbal abusive relationship for 16 yrs. with 2 wonderful children though. I am a recovering addict too. Even though the physical abuse has basically stopped, the verbal has gotten way worse. I finally took my kids and left. With the help of my grandparents and parents.

He would always make me feel like a nothing. He would say all kinds of things to me in front of my kids - daughter 11 and son 3 - so my daughter really understands this decision and was so grateful. He always talked crap to the kids about their grandparents too. He is on drugs (but he needs them- he says) and he blames me for everything. He texts me 100 times a day now- I have to block him. He makes situations up and blames me for them. I've gotten to the point to where I think I'm the crazy one.

I'm just glad I have such a great family support to help me. I'm so grateful to have gotten away from him but at times I feel like I'm still living with him. I never realized how much control he has over me. What hurts is when he tells me loves me and then tries to destroy me. I left him over the years probably 100 times - this time I've never went back - 5 months almost.

We had lost our daughter for past decisions - but got her back a year ago- finally. She has lived with my mom for the past 8 years and I then became pregnant after getting clean in rehab. Then with 2 years clean (and him still using all the time) I gave in and used - and was I a roller coaster again for about a year. Finally had enough and got back on track- only to be treated like complete dirt and I felt very unsafe for me and my kids.

So with the help of my family - we got out and now have our own home. I don't have to be afraid anymore- well I am but not about what I cook for dinner or going to the grocery store or to my parents’ house. I believe over time it will get better- I have to get him out of my head and stop allowing him to still control me- and all that stuff. But I finally got away!

Couldn't deal ...
by: Anonymous

I was always rolled up in ball, on medication and stressed....NEVER happened to me BEFORE I married him. Let’s face it...Being a wife and mother has TREMENDOUS responsibilities. It helps when your husband understands.

I dated and married a man who I thought was "good stock". After we were engaged, I found out I was pregnant. After arguing with my selfishness to consider abortion, on my hands and knees prostrate, I KNEW it wasn't something I could go through with. Being engaged anyway...we moved the marriage date up and went forward. I believe in divine direction. And the Lord is wise enough to see our misjudgments and turn them into something good. IF we let Him...

Little by little, this man constantly reminded me I didn't cook like his mother, didn't think like his mother, didn't evolve like his mother....and after time I reminded him... "Why didn't you marry your mother?" This was a woman broken by the verbal abuse and put downs from HER father about being stupid, etc...That the man is always blameless.... I saw him actually believing that.

So for years, I forgave the stupidity. I wasn't allowed to decorate my home because "I had NO taste", wasn't allowed to discipline my kids because they were "just kids who didn't feel like eating what I've made", the stupidity of how he OWNED everything emotionally goes on and on. Let alone the name calling...to this day...I STILL hear him.

He started doing OxyContin’s, handing them to me to "ease the pain" of losing his business (which he always reminded me of how it was HIS money). And I had a 5 year addiction which I decided to break. My stupidity comes in when I did it by myself....the withdrawal was horrible...screws your brain up...and I WANTED OUT!!! OUT from the man who friends and family had told me for years was an a$$hl, out from the manipulation, out from the drugs...I couldn't handle the restructuring of my soul....

He called the cops on me when I discussed divorce and custody of the kids...I broke...I left. ....my kids stayed with him because I couldn’t handle being super mom. I checked myself into a facility, got the help I needed, and slowly l regained my sanity. My biggest regret was thinking I didn't care about my family....it was all about me and getting my soul back. And although I don't regret telling him to go f*** himself, I do regret the harm it caused to my children never knowing the truth.

It wasn't until a year ago that my ex finally "gave me permission" to talk about the drugs to the kids......as if the reason they were reaching out to me and understanding mom was "ill" was because it was drugs.....NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM!!! Please. I have to say...the Lord sees the truth. He sees when we really try....when we fail, when we learn, when we grow. .... I spoke to my son face to face and apologized mostly for leaving them with a monster.....I see more now than I did then....I SEE that I was not wrong in my decision....and the funny part? My son wanted his FATHER to go into therapy with him....not me......my children are hurt, yes....but I inflicted a pain not because I didn't care about how they felt, but because the pain I felt was immense.....and after experiencing my ex on their own....getting to see through his " Mr. Nice guy personality" , seeing his twisted mind , and living through his emotional and verbal manipulation of life.....they have UNDERSTOOD my actions.....the healing part is still being worked out.....but the justification through prayer, guilt, healing, wisdom and above all GRACE for the broken will prevail...I ask for your prayers....it's all ok when daddy runs away....but when mommy does it.....it's still viewed as a travesty.....

35 yrs. of this.
by: Kathleen

I live in Washington state and am in very bad health. I am on SSI. So it's not enough to live on. So I stay.

by: Anonymous

I have left my husband for the same reasons. Have been homeless several times. In Texas there is NO HELP!

Why do I want to go back?
by: Anonymous

I left my verbally and emotionally abusive husband 6 weeks ago. My self and our children are living with my parents. I have just signed a contract for a house. My husband has been unwell, suffering from nervous breakdowns over the last 10 yrs. I and the children have been on the receiving end of his moods too many times. I have tried to understand and support him but it was starting to make me unwell too. The last few weeks have been a rollercoaster. Everyone is telling me I am doing the right thing. But it doesn't feel like it. I am really confused. He is desperate for us to come back and wants us to get help. I don't know if to give it another go. We have been together a long time. I don't know if I can cope on my own.

There is hope
by: Anonymous

To those that feel you have no one to turn to, I thought the same way.

But there is help out there, there are shelters you can go to be safe and professionals that handle these situations all the time. Don't stay and be miserable any longer. I did something that upset my husband and he kicked me out. At first I was upset and then I was relieved. I called a couple of friends, they let me stay at their place. They confirmed that I was not the problem it was my husband.

With him, I felt trapped and depressed. I endured both verbal and physical abuse. I finally got out after 16 years of marriage.

You can do it too.

My Decision Has Been Made
by: Suzanne

After 12 years of enduring a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship, I have decided to leave.

We have a property up for sale, and when it sells, we are splitting the proceeds and parting our ways.

I am being blamed for everything. I am the one who he says will regret my decision. I am ruining his life. I am leaving him when he is at sickest and most vulnerable. I have destroyed his life. It's all about him. Nothing about how I feel and what he has done to me.

I am 61, I have a disability which prevents me from continuing with my career in law, but I am going to work past all that and make a quiet, peaceful and happy life for myself, with the help of our Lord.

I can't believe how many posts there are on this site. It is nice to know that it's not all in my head! God bless you all in whatever situation you are in. I pray that you find release and a new life.

When you LITERALLY cannot leave
by: Anonymous

I am 47 years old, I have been married to an abusive man for nearly 26 years. Why have I stayed? I was born disabled and have faced a multitude of health challenges over the last 15 years (from my disability and I also had and recovered from early staged breast cancer 3 years ago). He beat me during my treatment phase of cancer... My husband is SO two- faced to the outside world. He appears to be this doting man who takes care of my every need. IN REALITY... He is physically abusive and ULTRA controlling.

We were 18 when we met and married at 21. I am undereducated, and cannot hold a job because I am physically not capable to and financially totally dependent on him. AND he know this. And he uses this. I KNOW I deserve a better life and I am under no illusion that he will change! I now play the game of go along to get along. And wake up each morning with the hope of getting by day to day, and not set him off, to the point of his anger turning to rage and hitting me. My point is NOT everyone's way out is so simple.

Crisis hotlines big mistake
by: Kristy

On two occasions I've called crisis lines only to be faced with CPS. FYI nothing I said was reason enough for this. This has definitely deterred me from seeking help from these people

Happy you found your way out ...
by: Been there

I am happy you found the courage to save yourself and your children. There comes a time when self preservation kicks in and you can walk away from the abuse. Please know that there are woman out there like yourself; I am one of them too. Don't let anyone put you down for your decision. Now is the time to go and make a home for yourself and be content in knowing he will hurt you no more. The cruelty is behind you. Keep looking forward to a new future for yourself and your children. Be so careful of starting a new relationship and walk back into the fire.

I'm done
by: Little angel

I have read many of the posts and I need to read them because I just left an abusive marriage of 20 years. The last 10 years have been really bad, especially the last 6. We have four children, two teenagers and two in middle school. Reading these posts helps me remember to never take him back and to live in the Truth! I want to be set free!!!

I am so sick of being called a slut and that all women are whores and stupid. I am sick of the bruises and drunk nights. I am sick of being awakened by my husband only to be cursed out again when I thought that the abuse was over for the night.

My defining moment was when my dad died suddenly and I went to his funeral alone because my brother paid for the plane ticket (my childhood family lives far away). My husband was angry that he could not come and started saying horrible things about my mom cremating my dad. He said, "Your mom barbequed your dad and got rid of him." He said it over and over again in front of our children who really loved my dad because he was a wonderful grandpa.

Finally, one night (about two weeks after the funeral) he started saying all of this again and was very drunk. Then, he started cursing me out (nothing new) and started breaking dishes. I went outside in the driveway and held my phone in my hand for a few minutes and knew what I needed to do. Then, I finally got the courage and called the police. He was arrested for "Family Abuse". Anyway...the story goes on....But I am done! I am getting help from victims assistance and he is gone and will probably be going to jail for a year.

I want to heal and help my kids understand that this has been wrong for far too long.

GET OUT before he kills you or the kids.

Married a manipulative monster
by: Anonymous

Was married to an extremely controlling verbally, mentally and at times physically abusive alcoholic who I found out during our short marriage abused drugs as well....And I have been left with 20 thousand debt because of it. My parents were both in Chemo at the time and I was pregnant with our son. I didn't know what to do and went back.....BAD idea. As soon as I gave birth, he turned into the monster he always was all over again and I did not want to hurt my poor parents. He assaulted me, yelled at me, and clenched his teeth over me while I lay in the hospital bed and told me I was being dramatic and over-reacting from post birth pains.....YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO THESE MEN....THEY CANT LOVE. THEY ARE TOOO EVIL.

WELL it continued when we got home and he even became verbally abusive to my mother (my sick mother) and father....That was it and the fact that he assaulted me in front of our newborn ...I LEFT FOR GOOD. He will never change and his family condones his ways by victim blaming and because they didn't want to deal with him, so they threw him on me....

Please if you are in an abusive relationship, get out get out. They don't love you. They want to control you! That's all it’s about and if they can find someone else to control they will and you will be left in the dust. That is not LOVE. You cannot change someone's personality. They get off on abusing you; it’s sadistic and they will provoke you to get a reaction. They are skilled; the abuse you endure is thought out and deliberate so leave and never look back. YOU CAN DO IT. FREE YOURSELF and LET GOD DEAL WITH THEM.


by: Anonymous

I've been in a very abusive marriage for almost 20 yrs. We have 4 kids. I hate that I stay. I do have all my kids and myself in counseling. He is bi-polar and a so called sex addict. I hate him.

I didn't find out about all the cheating until 7 months ago. He lies constantly. He puts in half a**ed "look at me" attempts to change. Our older teens hate him. I just found out I'm pregnant with baby 5, he did it on purpose. No respect no love. Hate, anger, rage, and pain from 20 years of emotional, physical, and mental abuse has left me broke. Broke mentally, physically and emotionally. I was 17 and he was 22, I should have broken it off the first time. Run so far from an abusive relationship and never look back. They won't change most of the time.

Mentally abusive
by: Anonymous

I been married to this man for 10 years, but we’ve been together for19. He says the nasty things to me every day. I have to come home to a drunk. I’m so tired and just want out, but l have nowhere to go. What do I do?

Currently finding myself again
by: Anonymous

I side with everything that was said. Having tracking devices on my phone, being followed as if I was cheating, being called a whore, liar, bipolar, a psychopath, and so on, and so on is what I dealt with and continue to be traumatized by.

This person I've grown to hate was not the person I met. You tell this person all your secrets and your background and your fears, but later on they use it against you as if you're attacking him when really you're only trying to be honest and make a marriage work.

I WAS MARRIED AT 20. I'm 21 now and I'm still trying to un- love someone and I find it hard every day to accept that he is no longer in my life. That he does not care about me anymore even though I gave chances. I have to accept that he is no longer in my life and I try to justify his actions and speak positive about him, but there is no good to talk about a person that abused you I’m says that I have no right to talk about him that way because he supported me.

Well done!
by: Anonymous

I like that your soul is talking to you. Listen to it. Wow!

Not sure what to call it
by: Anonymous

I have been married for almost 16 years. I married someone that loves me very much as long as I say and do what he wants. He wants everything done his way, and if that is not the case, then he aggressively voices his opinion, and this is with everyone.

He will put you down to the point that he will make you feel like he is going to physically hurt you. He has done this all his life. With me he has backed down a little because when I see that he is getting close to me or he makes me feel as if he is going to hit me, I will throw something at him or grab something and let him know that if he doesn't calm down, I will hurt him or call the police.

In the years we have been together he has never laid a finger on me. On the contrary I am the one that ends up hitting him after the frustration of him not letting me give my opinion or express myself. It’s at the point that I don't really say much to him, but that even is a problem because he gets in a mad mood because I don't say anything.

But with him you never know at what point he is going to explode. He is verbally abusive with everyone. I want to leave him, but just don't know what to expect. The last time I tried, he wouldn't let me leave the house. And he loves to cause scenes and I am afraid of what he will say or do in front of my parents and my father may not react the same way..

Seeking help at 49
by: Anonymous

Hi, I'm a mental abuser.
I've been telling myself that since my wife of 10 years packed up our 2 children and left a month ago. This is the first time I've ever replied to a posting about my problem so please bear with me.

First off, I'm sorry for what you've gone through. I know all too well the painful details of your story as it’s the same mess I created in my wife and family’s life.

Her leaving me was a real eye opener for me. For some reason, I thought she never would (part of my issues). I commend you for trying 3 times to save your marriage. That's 3 chances more than I'll ever get from my wife to try and repair the damage I've caused. Your husband obviously didn't want to change.

But how about me? Is there hope for me? You state quite positively that an abuser will never change.

I feel determined to get the help I need to make me a better person. Oh for sure I could blame it on some dark suppressed memory from childhood. Broken family, mom's drunken, physically and mentally abusive husband 1 and 2... bla bla bla. My actions are my own and I accept full responsibility for them.

I'm a very determined person and there's not many things I can't do when I put my heart into it. I'm seeking help and counseling. I have every desire and intention to make a better life for my wife, my children and myself; together if I ever get the chance.
Now that I know my problem, I already feel the person I was is somehow leaving. I don't want to hurt her again. I don't want to be that person again.

So my question to you is...
Should I just give up, knowing that there's really no help for me? Stay clear of the love of my life because I've destroyed something that can never be fixed?

by: Anonymous

I have been married for almost 2 years. I have to tell my story or I will just feel empty and feel like he still has the power.....I am only 24 years old with two children. My husband has been calling me a hoe, a slut, a bitch and even more; I’ve lost count of all of the names. He says that I am a cheater. I stayed at home with my kids for a year and a half and he thought I was cheating at home. So I got a job. He never wanted me to have any money and now that I work, he says I’m cheating with someone at my job.

It never ends. He has been hitting on me so much. I spent my New Year getting beat up and he has ripped out my hair. I have been fighting back and picked up a pan and tried to beat him back with it. But since I am only 5 foot and don’t weight much, he attacked me and I lost the fight and ended up with so many bruises on me. I finally decided to move out but he says I’m doing that so I can cheat.

But at this point I don’t care. When he ripped my hair out, that was it for me. I wanted to kill him. He keeps trying to have sex with me and I refuse to let him touch me ever again. I am so ashamed he beat me up in front of my kids (he doesn’t help with them). Our daughter, who is one, hates him and so does our 4 year old son. He told me "I don’t like daddy, mommy he hits you all the time". To hear my children and to see how afraid of him they are, I know it’s my time to go.

I took the first step and went and found my own condo. He has ruined so many of my relationships with family and friends. Now that I am leaving and taking control of my life, he is upset. I can at least say I did call the cops on him and he was in jail for 4 days. But like an idiot, I bailed him out.....then he beat me up so bad a week later with a vacuum cleaner that I could hardly walk!

Now he only has probation and is looking for a new job....now that he is working on his MBA he thinks that he is better than me! And since I didn’t finish my degree he makes fun of me. He calls me fat and every name in the book when I am not. He knows that I was abused before and that I was raped as well. He says "I see why that man beat you and raped you".

So now I am just done, he is a no good man. And now his life is falling apart and he blames me when he has brought it on himself.

Time to wake up
by: Anonymous

I've had a similar life, I'm now 44 years old. But God isn't doing this to you. We make decisions to stay or leave once we become adults. As children what we go through isn't our fault, it's the adults that do it to us. Remember your daughter’s love for you. Know that you are the center of her world. Know that if you do something to hurt yourself, she may live the same life you did growing up. But know you have survived. And know it's time to kick your survival in to gear. There is support systems that will help you. And there is a way to leave him. Call the police and they will remove you or him. Just keep yourself in mind that nothing will ever hurt you or your child ever!! Please get out and get support!

A life of abuse
by: Anonymous

I am 23 years old. I have been abused physically, sexually and mental 95% of my life. I was raped at 3 years old, molested in a foster home at 5 years old, and have dealt with multiple abusive and broken foster homes. I have no parents or family, my mother committed suicide and my father is an alcoholic I’ve only met once. My twin brother doesn’t talk to me anymore and my older sister hates me for no reason. Our foster mom kicked us out when the checks from DSS were about to stop. Now I have a 3 year old daughter and have been with her father for 4 years. The abuse keeps getting worse. He used to just raise his voice, belittle me, and sometimes push me around or grab my hair.

But now as I sit here with a black eye and the whole left side of my face swollen and bruised I feel my soul cannot take anymore. I just had a different bruise from him on the same side about 2 weeks prior (his family saw that one too). He won’t let me leave and his mom, even after seeing my face like this, says I have it made (which is bullshit).

I don’t know what to do anymore. If I try to leave, he takes my keys, the phone I use on his family plan, and blocks the doors, and destroys any property I own that I have worked so hard to get. Then he tells me how sorry he is and how he will never hurt me again (I’ve heard it all before). I want the best for my daughter and she loves him. He has never tried to hurt her, but she sees and hears him hurt me. I’m afraid if I can’t get out I will kill myself. But I don’t want my daughter to live her life thinking I took the "easy" way out just like my mother did.

I have no one to turn to… Why does God have to make me keep living an endless life of abuse and sadness? Why can’t I get away and live a happy and peaceful life?

Dawn of a New Day
by: Anonymous

Dear folks who feel scared, alone, stuck and desperate. Please know that you are Not alone and even in the most desperate of situations you can call a domestic violence hotline where they can direct you to your local domestic violence shelter. They can provide shelter, free counseling, and other forms of support you need depending on your situation. Please make the call! Especially if you have children to protect! I am currently in the process of having left my abusive husband of 5 years and that is where I turned for help. I initially called the police when I was really scared but that only seemed to make my husband angrier afterwards and somehow he could talk his way into looking like a pretty good guy to them despite the evidence. And somehow he ended back in my good graces. And this started on our honeymoon I had to call the police! It wasn't until I got help from the wonderful domestic violence shelter that I decided to act. So please know you are Not Stuck. You just have to call them for help!!!

RE: He keeps convincing me to stay
by: "Been there"

Sounds like you are 'stuck' where I was years ago. I can tell you this much. I had days 'wishing' I had stayed and worked it out. I divorced when my children were 4 and 7 years old and I paid the price financially. I had to pinch every penny and use credit cards to get my kids to their graduation day. Now, they're grown and on their own, but I have the debt to deal with. Best think this whole thing through. You may have to go to counseling to 'learn' how to 'deal' with your husband. What to do and how to handle him when he's reaching his breaking point. Spend lots of time with your children. Get them to understand that adults have a lot to deal with and don't always handle it well. It's a tough road either way.

He keeps convincing me to stay.
by: Anonymous

I've been married for 10 years and have two kids. My husband is a binge drinking alcoholic and is verbally abusive. His comment range from "he knows I won't divorce him because I'm like a chimp with a crayon", "no wonder your mom left your dad, you're just like him, a flaming a**hole." "You couldn't get anyone but me." "I’m the best I've ever seen", "You'd never get the kids; they wouldn't want you."

It's heart-breaking and painful to be told to shut the F up constantly. Much of this happens in front of the kids. And when he isn't saying specific mean things, he's just angry in general. Angry at the worker at the gas station, angry at the drivers around him, insulting about the news anchors, coworkers... he doesn't really have a nice thing to say about anyone or anything.

UNLESS, he's trying to make up for the previous fight. Then he's over the top about how incredible I am and how much he loves me. He obsessively calls me at work - when he's angry he can't let it go, and when he's "lovey" he just is calling me to tell me how great I am. It's a roller coaster and walking on eggshells all the time. No matter how much I do, how carefully I do it... somehow I've loaded the dishwasher wrong, or done the laundry wrong... I really can't win.

I hate that the kids are witnessing this, but he's also gotten us into a very difficult spot financially and I don't see how I can leave. It's not like he's going to just let me walk out with the kids. And I can't pay for an apartment on my own. I also feel guilty about leaving, because I don't think he could pay for the house on his own either. He doesn't want a divorce but keeps telling me if I want one, I should just leave. I don't know where to go or how to begin. We had yet another huge fight yesterday and he's already asking me where I want to go on "date night". He just doesn't seem to get it and I feel so stuck!

Lost and depressed
by: Anonymous

I haven't been married to my husband very long. Almost 4 years now, but the verbal abuse is bad. Every day he tells me what a piece of crap I am, how stupid I am, and how worthless I am to everyone around me. As well as a bunch of other things. I struggle so bad with depression and I've just been in a dark cloud. I don't know how to get out. I live near no family. I know I dont deserve this but sometimes I feel like I do. He tells me there's something wrong with me because of my anxiety and depression and uses it agains me a lot. I'm just so sad. I don't feel like I'll ever be able to get out. I'm going to try though. I just have to figure a way.

by: Anonymous

Its possible they have Narcissistic Personality disorder..

Please pray for my family
by: Terri

I have been with my husband 27 years...I had no family in the area and I made his family mine. I am finally in a place where I can leave the abuse and I am grateful for your post; I only wish I found it sooner. God Bless you and thank you!

My story is the same
by: Mina

I have been married for six years with two kids. He was always a grouch but now it’s gotten to where he has hit me. It’s not often but it’s enough to destroy me inside. He yells about how stupid I am, how dumb I am, how no one can stand me. Oddly I have dealt with it through the years but now a month ago something happened to snap me out of it. We were driving to Las Vegas to pick up my sister and the phone messed up, so I told him to turn around thinking we were going the wrong way. He got so angry, punching me in the face four times while belittling me, then to make matters worse he made me sit in the backseat as if I were a child. I couldn't go anywhere and he started driving at 100 miles per hour trying to kill us. I can't get over it. It feels like an endless cycle of a horrible man. He loves on me, hugs me, and says he will change; then he turns around a week later saying you’re the one that needs to change, you’re stupid. I fall for it every time. I feel stupid and I know it’s unhealthy but I still feel a strong pull of unhealthy love towards him. I feel as if I do leave him, I am the wrong one. I want to feel loved and I know this isn't love.

Leaving an abusive spouse
by: Anonymous

I was a victim of an abusive marriage, and I thought I didn’t have a way out. Many times I was ready to leave and then my husband would apologize and he would buy me gifts, brought me flowers and he would treat me to a fancy restaurant. I would stay again because I thought maybe I said something wrong or I upset him in some way but he loves me and he really cares about me. I would stay again and again.

I finally did leave him and took my kids out of town not knowing where I was going to live with my two kids. I heard about women shelters and the stigma behind it scared me until I had no choice and called for help. I learned through other women in similar situations that there is help available, so I filled myself with courage and gave it a chance.

The shelter provided me and my children with a bedroom and 2 beds and 1 crib for my little one, food, toiletries, and personal and group counseling. The rules are strict and I felt it was sometimes ridiculous, however I learned that is not necessarily because of me but to make it fair for everyone.

Organization and perseverance are the key to obtain all the help available from many agencies with programs that will help people with different needs. By following the shelter policy will open other doors to help those who qualify and are willing to fill out many forms that are sometimes overwhelming, however there are many applicant's and if you provide the necessary information to be the right candidate. I quickly became a candidate to a 1 bedroom apartment and I soon after applied for section 8 and with my voucher I was able to rent a much bigger 2 bedroom apartment paying only $65 a month. DCSS help me with 1st and last month’s rent, as well as food stamps, and a little money. I also learned of a government plan that helped me to go to school. If you are considering leaving and don't know where to go remember this number "211" explain your situation and they will give you 3 places you can call. Good luck to you, there is plenty of help out there.

Child of an abusive father
by: Anonymous


Those of you who are unsure of leaving your abusive spouse because you feel bad for your children; LEAVE!!! Your children will thank you later! My father beat the living you know what out of my mother daily for as long as I can remember. They are both 63 years old and he still beats her daily. I am now 40 so I am removed from the situation and don't have to deal with it but other family members tell me it’s still happening. My mother tries to hide it and protect him. I can't stand my father and I am very resentful toward my mother because she never left him for her KIDS and we had a miserable, horrible life. Please get out, run as fast as you can!! Thankfully, GOD blessed me with a husband who was raised by a man that I can only wish was my father. A great man that has the utmost respect for woman. Run Ladies! RUN!

Scared and hurt
by: Anonymous

My husband of 15 years tortures me and he beats me down all the time. He treats me so bad I feel like I'm dying in this marriage, he is so evil. I'm scared for my health and have nowhere to go with two kids and a dog. I’ve worked so hard in life; why is God doing this to me? Please help me understand. I'm so alone, I sit here crying in my room in the dark away from my kids so they can't see. Whenever he is mad (which is always) he takes away money, love, affection, and even the food. My daughter is afraid of his evil cold stare and so am I.

I can't afford to live alone and pay all this rent. Sometimes before I go to bed, I pray I don't wake up. But then I realize my kids need me. I ask him to get help all the time and he tells me if I don't like his rules to get out, there's the door. He throws me out with my kids every other day. My neighbors have seen me leaving in garbage bags so many times with my kids. I need help, please someone tell me what to do.

Verbal Abuse/ Emotional Abuse
by: Trish

Yes, I have been in this horrific abusive relationship for 20 years. It started right after we got married. We have a 17 year old son, a great son and we are very close.
I grew up in an abused home, physically, verbally, and sexually by my brother. However, now I am finally waking up from a deep sleep. A fog that I have been in called denial for 20 years. I started to notice the red flags early on. Financial abuse, verbal abuse, internet social sites, pictures of women, always an excuse. Blaming me for being a bitch. Blaming me for his problems, addictive personality. Lies, hiding my things, taking my things. He took my watch after a fight, and a week later I found it laying in the parking lot by my truck, face up. Weird stuff all the time. Manipulating, playing the victim, it's always about him.

Five years ago, after enduring years of being shut out, I met a guy on line. We talked a lot. My husband put a key logger on my laptop, hacked my account and sent out every email to all of my contacts. Destroying everything, yet he has been doing this for the last 20 years himself. Maybe it wasn't right, I made a mistake, and never ever did anything like that since. However, every fight we have that is the ace in his pocket to pull out when he wants to. He continues to frequent social sites, and I don't care anymore. It's hopeless. On July 22nd I was rushed to the hospital. My doctor called in a medication that I am highly allergic too. When my husband walked into the ER, he never spoke, never asked how I was, never...That was the defining moment in my life.

It's been a month, and I have not spoken very much to him. We have slept in separate rooms for almost a year. I realized after doing much research online that he also is a financial abuser. He managed to sweet talk and coerce all of my money from a small inheritance, and two law suits I won. Also realizing that the utilities have always been in my name and the major credit cards as well. I put the heating/conditioner totaling 5,000 on a major credit card. I lost my job, he said "oh well, it's on you. Destroying my credit... I look at him now with such disgust. He is repulsive in every sense of the word. Now, I am becoming more educated/informed about my situation.

It is as though my son and I live in a tomb. He walks in the house and there is a heaviness with his presence as if there is a demonic presence. When he is angry, he gets so evil, he starts screaming G.D. at me telling me I don't do a G.D. thing. Which, I do everything around the house...He doesn't have a problem treating me like this in front of our son. My son and I are Christians and I am really having a difficult time with this. The thought that he "swindled" almost 50,000 out of me makes me sick. But I always gave him the benefit of the doubt by believing his lies that we would have a future together. It's almost surreal, but I do see now what has been happening for the length of this fraudulent union. I know that God knows what is going on and my son and I are making future plans. I realize that I am married to a monster. That what goes around, comes around. I feel nothing anymore, nothing. There is going to be a better life from here on out. I honestly believe this, finally.

I left the abuse. Now I'm free.
by: Anonymous

I have read a few of your blogs and I feel your pain. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this. For those of you that left, you’re free and safe. I hope in time you will heal from your pain and live the life you were meant to live. Have faith in God so he can give you strength. Surround yourself with good people. Don’t go through this alone. I can relate to so many of your stories. I fell in love with my husband. He was my best friend and the love of my life. He had all these great qualities about him. I believe there were times that he loved me and was looking out for my best interest. I moved in with him fairly quickly and married a few months later. I followed where love is. I was blissfully happy. He is very knowledgeable, cultured, charismatic, handsome and successful. Not only did I love him, I liked and admired him as a person. On the last day of our honeymoon that is when I experience the beast. I didn’t see any red flags before. I began learning new things about him after we became married. That is when I saw his dark side. The day we were flying back home from our honeymoon I was so deeply hurt by his disturbing behavior I cried nonstop on the plane for 8 hours. I couldn’t stop crying for two days.
I did not recognize this man. He was nothing like the man I was living with. His temper was explosive. And most of the time it was over the smallest things. The cycle of emotional abuse took place. I officially became his emotional punching bag. Every day I would be filled with anxiety. I had no idea what mood he would be in when he came home from work. It seemed like every month he would be extremely upset at me over something. Everything I did was wrong in his eyes. He was controlling, critical, insulted my intelligence, mean spirited.

He was a coward and a bully. I say coward because he knew better not to behave this way when he was working. He put on his good face in public. He felt it was OK to verbally attack and shred my self-esteem in half in our home. It made him feel powerful. He would literally tower over me and all I can do is cry. He looked at me with pure disgust. The first time he mentioned divorce I packed my things and was ready to leave. He asked me not to go. And never apologized for his behavior. I kept getting blamed for everything that went wrong in our marriage. A few months later I asked him to get the help he needs to deal with his anger issues. When he refused that was when I should have left for good.

He apologized only one time to me when we were together. It was the only time I heard him say to me he knows has to change his ways. He asked me to forgive him. I always did. My mistake. One week he will tell me how much he loves me and what a good wife I am and how much he appreciates me. Depending on his mood swings the next week I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. I lived my life in fear. I was always worried one day he will get really upset with me and will hit me. Or he will leave me. I was terrified of his temper. But I didn’t want to give up on my marriage. I wanted to help him. I wanted to have a healthy marriage.

He was furious with me the last time I saw him. In the end he kicked me out from our home and said he will give me a divorce. And with the clothes on my back, purse and laptop I left. I was in a state of shock hysterically crying in the street. I felt sick like I was going to pass out. I had no idea where I was going to go. My family and friends didn't know what was going on in my life. In front of my family and his we acted like everything was going great. When it wasn’t. It took me two weeks to get the rest of my belongings. He left me homeless, no money to survive. I have been staying in different relative homes until I am able to get back on my feet.

What kind of man does this to his wife? This has been the worse pain in my life. I don’t wish this type of pain on anyone. Every single day I have to tell myself "you’re going to be OK." Sometimes I can’t help but think to myself why did this happen to me? Why make me suffer? What did I do to deserve this?

The truth is I didn’t deserve to be mistreated or abused. I was a good wife to this man every day. Even on the days when he was mean/cruel to me. I worked so hard on improving my marriage. It’s been close to five months since I last saw him. I will feel better when we finally divorce.

In order for me to move forward I have to find a way to forgive him. I’m not there yet. I still have a lot of wounds to heal and a lot of rage inside. He’s a monster to me. He has no conscience, no remorse, and no empathy. He is living his life happily as if I never existed. I’m not a doctor. But I believe he may be either Bipolar or may have an Anti-Sociopathic behavior. I feel like I am living a nightmare I can't wake up from. I see his face all of the time. I was married for a year. The time I was with him I suffered the most stress of my life. I began losing weight and a lot of hair. I looked older from when we met. I never cried so much in my life.

I can understand how many of you don’t feel like leaving your abusive partner. And how you may feel guilty. I can relate. What I can say is I am relieved that nothing worse happened to me. The emotional abuse was more than enough harm. I have faith in time this will pass and he won’t even be a memory. I am putting myself as a priority again. I learned so much from this horrible experience. I am a survivor. Surrender everything to God. Life will get better.

Celebrate Getting OUT
by: Anonymous

I came upon these many posts and honestly could not read them all, but many I did. I want to send encouragement to those who haven't left abuse to DO IT and join those who have in celebrating freedom. I know it's hard to leave and imagine life without him, but can you imagine life without abuse?! Yes you can. For me I had difficulty abandoning my marriage vows, however the Bible has many stories of when divorce is right, and even Jesus divorced Israel. Men must be held accountable, and it's not our job, nor can we "fix" abusive men. No matter how much we want to and love the man we once fell in love with, we can't fix them. And remember these men are not loving us when they abuse. Also, nowhere in the marriage vows does it say "and you can abuse me".

To the women who got out... Yay!
I did just that as well. My story is similar to bits of many of your stories... Hiding serious drug use from me, alcoholism that I did know about (but he hid that he was drinking again for some time), paranoid personality disorder/drug induced psychosis/narcissistic abuse cycle/sociopath (we aren't sure), deep psychologic, verbal and mental abuse, stalking me, isolated me, continuously accused me of cheating with no proof (no I never!), over took my accounts from email to FB, tracked my every move, obsessed over phone logs/texts etc., created false "evidence" that he said he had to try and scare me, or he actually did in the middle of the night create false "evidence", threatened me and harassed me when I did leave and still is... Now he harasses my family. In his psychosis, he put voice recorders in my car and the house as well as video recorders around and believed I was taking to other people on other devices, he threw me out on a couple of occasions leaving me with the clothes on my back and wouldn't let me in when he was certain I was taking to other people on hidden phones even when I was just watching TV and 10 feet from him.... So much more. He went from calling me every name possible to "I love you and I will do anything for you" several times in one day in dozens of text messages. He has threatened to destroy my life, my finances, and my professional career. He has also cost me thousands of dollars I've worked for as he went from job to job to no job for significant periods of time... And in many ways has cost me financially a lot.

I am out. It's been 2 weeks. I left with my dog and a few things but my "life" is still in that house and I have yet to be able to get them. But actually no, I have my life, many scars, but I have life. Friends and family intervened when I finally left and they realized what was really going on. I was completely drained from working to support both us, never getting to sleep well, and ongoing fights and "torture" in a crazy house, and could not see clearly. They made sure I didn't go back and said I'd be on my own if I did... (They'd actually been watching me go back a few times and it was killing them too). His family apparently has been dealing with his crazy/drugs/blame/hurt for many, many years and are in full support of me. We actually did try to get him some help, but he does not want it, denies everything, is abusive to us all, and is now on the war path to destroy me.
I have an order of protective that has yet to be served on him because he evades everything and is a master manipulator. Sociopaths and such are very crafty. They make you think you're the crazy one, which he did, and lie for the sake of lying, which he did, and blame everything on everyone else, which he did... And does.
This is just the tip of the iceberg sadly.
He is still trying to wreak havoc on my life in every way possible. And if it's possible to believe this... We were married just a short time ago. A few months. He started with things gradually, they got worse right before the wedding but I was told they were nervous jitters (and I wasn't honest with anyone as I was in denial). As soon as we were married he went overboard. I found things that told me for sure he is using serious drugs. His actions certainly were those of drug use as well. Several psychiatrist/psychologists told me to run. He needs help badly, but I must get out. He will take me down with him, and he doesn't want help now.
I am blessed to not have children in the picture with him. We wanted them but thankfully there are none with this going on. I am blessed to have had the courage to leave and find some clarity and help. I am blessed that I have tremendous support. Unfortunately this man has burned so many bridges and hurt so many people that he is on his own. I hate it. I love him. I do. Sometimes the best thing for a person is that tough love thing. He has to take accountability for himself. I enabled and picked up the pieces, and took his abuse for too long.
I feel that I'm an awful person for leaving him. I feel guilt and struggle up and down all day and night long. I "hate" him right now. I will always love the man I met and fell in deep love with and said my vows to. He isn't that man anymore. Apparently he is a master manipulator, con artists, has a serious last of drugs and alcohol and criminal activity. Yes, I'm embarrassed I married a man I thought I knew, but didn't. So many people now tell me they saw it coming. They didn't tell me things about him or their gut feelings, because they thought I was happy. There's no one to blame. It just is what it is.

My story I feel is a somewhat extreme and fast moving one. I feel for any abused man or woman whether it was over many years, or shorter, whether it was intense and all the time, or less somehow.... The length of time and severity or type of abuse does not matter. Abuse and hurt and in some cases true "crazy" is still abuse and NO ONE deserves it. EVERYONE can and should get out. Get help. Don't go back. Life does and will go on and is better without abuse.

Celebrate your life. You only get one to live.

Textbook ~ Emotionally, Verbally & Mentally Abusers,
by: Debbie ~ I Lived This Life

I lived this same life almost to the letter. Mine, & most abusers will tell you any things you want to hear or even buy you nice things to make it up to us. This is where it's very WRONG & you DON'T know how this hideous Disease they have keeps repeating itself until it's too LATE...THEY'LL Try taking your life first...then their own, ALL because they want you for themselves!! Being controlling is yet another big sign something is wrong!!!
Please don't fall or be coned by a smothering man who won't let you have friends, transportation or has to go everywhere with you simply because they can't leave your side and don't like being alone! These are signs, big red flags to watch out for. DON'T END UP LIKE ME! I'm lucky to have had friends who have become my family to help me get out & from A MAJORLY ABUSIVE HUSBAND.

Get out
by: Anonymous

Please assist your daughter to get out. Things will only get worse. Ask God to help you and her to have the strength. I was divorced within a year of marriage because I knew if I stayed longer my life would be over at 32. Please, please, please ask her to GET OUT sooner than later.

Our children
by: Feed Up

Here I am sitting here, thinking about my life with him. My life wanting a family, wanting my kids to have both parents in the house, thought he would change, and now my kids are grown up. Now my daughter is in abusive relationship, and she doesn't see it. She thinks it’s her, she gives excuses for her husband, while he hits her and belittles her. She been having panic attacks, and suicidal thoughts; she has been married for 1 year and has dealt with so much from him. I know this is because of what she has seen at home.
What I am saying ladies, if we don't make a stand on what is healthy in our lives, our children will go through the same relationships.

Let it go
by: Anonymous

Been there ... I've walked in your shoes. You need to forget him in your daily life. Take care of yourself and find your own way now. I had 2 kids that depended on me. I kept his name out of conversations as much as possible. Kept him out of my mind. I decided to let God deal with him. Trust me ... life will catch up to him, but you have to let it go for now. Get away from him; stay away from him. Life can be good again. Being independent, single isn't all that bad. If I can find happiness again, so can you. You're in rough waters, but they CAN calm down again.

by: Anonymous

My husband is a Narcissist who also has traits of a Schizo...God knows what the correct term is to describe this evil brutal being, but all I can say is he made my life a living hell on earth. Married for almost 8 years. He made sure I was broken and left mentally absent so I am not capable of doing even the simplest of tasks. He has crippled me in every way that I'm now always wondering if death is the best option out of this sad life I have endured. I am suffering from chronic heartache that feels like someone’s twisted a knife in my heart and won't stop twisting it. He not only was physically abusive but the verbal abuse was so disgusting that he would mention my most private most intimate parts of my body. He would insult those parts, especially of how he found me so disgusting looking and he would always say how he would bring another woman into the home and kick me and our 2 little boys out on to the streets. My kids have been subjected to his daily rantings. The truth is I’m not unattractive at all. And if people complimented me on how pretty I am or how lucky he is to have me, that would be the day I’d get abused and get called ugly and fat. Or that he is better than me and can get a better looking woman than me. Everyday I’m getting the shakes and my heart feels like its racing. I panic at the slightest of things or sounds. I never was like this, in fact totally the opposite. I gave this man a million chances which he felt he was the one giving them to me instead. He has never said he's sorry once. It’s always my fault that he gets aggressive it’s my fault he loses his rag or uses his hands or that he cheated on me. He will never back down and is the most self-centered arrogant man I have ever known. Just recently I found a stash of cannabis and mobile numbers of females on slips hidden in a small box along with his drugs. The only thing I pray for is that he never lives to see happiness or peace. I pray he dies of a painful cruel death… even that won't do justice for the pain and cruelty he's bestowed upon me.

45 years later
by: Anonymous

It's a fact, they do not get better. If only women would realize that bad men stay bad men. Strangely we have something in common, we have brains, so how is it we stay and let it continue. We are hopeful we hope God will change things for us if we persevere but the bible says to leave if things are bad, God does not want us to be abused. If you are normal it is hard to comprehend that someone can inflict this behavior on you for so long and try to destroy you. You HAVE to leave, it’s the only way to deal with it and the sooner the better before they turn you into a nut case too or worse still turn you into a shivering wreck. It all comes right in the end you just need courage for the first step, trust in God, and find some good people.

Feed up
by: Anonymous

I haven't gotten a divorce but there hasn't been a day that I wanted to stay. Knowing what he is capable of and all the threats, the hitting, and the mind games make me feel worthless, helpless, and not wanted. Then there’s the neglect and wondering every day what did I do or didn't do that's going to set him off. The humiliation to ask for five dollars to get milk and bread, and maybe have a dollar left out of it, then having to explain why I have a dollar. I work part time so the little money I have will go towards gas or groceries or a bill. I started going to college 2 semesters ago. I have another 4 semesters to go so I will get my degree in ultra sound. I feel like it’s taking so long to get this. I've felt with this for 28 years! And I feel like I will never be healed with what he has done to me. Over the years I've left 3 times. He promises he will change and get help. I have 4 kids and 5 grand kids and I'm only 43 years old. I'm so feed up, I can't get out fast enough!

by: Anonymous

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies,

I beg of you, don't just walk away from an emotionally abusive husband, RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN. You will hurt and it will be difficult and you may think that you can never recover from this.....but you will. Emotional abuse is the most devastating form of abuse. It will DESTROY your ego and mental state to the worst.

My ex was so emotionally abusive such that it eroded my sense of self all together. At first he was so obsessed about me and I assumed that it was cute, being admired and checked on like that. Soon after he told me he didn't like my friends, my dress code, red lipstick because it’s for sl*ts. Told me that career women are troublesome so that I would downgrade. He told me about how he has never ever met a woman like me and how I’m the best thing that ever happened to him. Checked up on me when I was home and would unceremoniously drive to my house at odd hours to confirm that *(like 2 a.m.) I didn't sneak someone else. He hated the fact that I had a life before him.

I changed to be that woman that he wanted and little did I know that would be the beginning of the end for me. Fast forward to 5 yrs. later, he pressured me into marriage, this is after he had hit me a few times and apologized that it would never happen again. IT NEVER STOPPED.

He became even more aggressive post marriage. My GUT warned me about him. My friends warned me. My family and colleagues warned me. Everyone pretty much. But he was so manipulative that I ended up there.

After marriage (with his 2 kids staying with us), I felt trapped, insecure and illiterate (I have a degree in psychology but he totally disregarded that). He told everyone that I am crazy and I started to even believe it myself.

I requested a divorce and he made my life a living hell since that. I am on the road to recovery and I sometimes doubt if leaving was the right thing even after all this mess (but deep down I know it was)

Don’t walk ladies. Runnnnnnn if you can. I am glad I never had kids in that situation.

What comes next ...
by: Had Enough

To all the women that are being abused and mistreated ... I can give you an idea of what is ahead for you in life if you leave your abuser and have children. I left my husband, and got the divorce with two young children many years ago. The biggest problem I had was 'how' am I going to pay for everything that I need and that my children need. Money is always an issue. No money tree growing in the back yard. Then there's the question, "Is he going to make my life a living hell if I go?" My family didn't really want to get involved and did not. They were always 'nice' to him if they ran into him at the store. That was difficult to deal with. They knew what hell I went through with him. So, why did they smile at him and pretend nothing went on? My friends all took sides. That was difficult to deal with also. There were times when even the kids took sides. I look back and wonder what my life would have been like if I had stayed with him. A woman can keep her mouth shut and take it, day in and day out, and hope for a better tomorrow. At least you have a roof over your head. I saw my own mother abused by my step-father. She stayed with him being there were 6 kids in the family and she had no way to support herself if there was a divorce. She had very little education. She went through hell some days; other days were better. Now with her being in her 70's, her life has changed. My abusive step father developed diabetes and can no longer walk very well, and most certainly, cannot hit her anymore. She is in control. The unfortunate part is that she is very 'bitter'. Not many happy memories that she can recall. So a woman has to think about what comes next before taking that big step. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers. My children are grown now and doing well on their own. They are taking their time starting up a relationship. For me, I refuse to ever marry again. No more pain; no more abuse. No more having to take the blame for everything that troubled 'him'. So my best advice is to stop and 'think' it through. If the children are being abused, of course, then it's a no-brainer. You have to act on it.

SAHM 3 kids abusive husband NO SUPPORT HELP
by: Anonymous

I've been married almost 5 years and every one of them has been emotionally abusive. Last few years have started to get physical… and horrifically emotional. We have 3 children. He's a veteran and messed up. Last week I snapped and refused to take his pushes or slams (he never really hit me so I made excuses) he'd pushed me down, yet wouldn't fall or get back up; badgering him and egging him on. Well he bruised all of my ribs, bruises no one can even look at all over my body, broke phone and then called my mom and said I tend to cut him. My family and friends don't care. I've been telling them for years seeking advice and they've all slowly left me. I'm alone and worn down and my children are now aware of this incident. I have no money, no place to go, and need help ASAP. Please anyone.

Thank you for telling your story
by: Kelly

I have the same problem with my husband. I live with a man who has been abusive to me for 13 years!! The problem is I'm very scared to leave him and I know I have to do that since he has no respect to me. He abuses me verbally and emotionally. I'm so depressed and I don't feel like to doing anything. I really admire your courage and I hope I will have the same strength and courage one day. The good thing is my family encourages me to leave him because they can see I'm not happy at all. You know that I have a strange feeling towards him… I hate him and I want to leave him , but I cry so hard when I think that he will be with someone else. I love him but I can't stand the way he treats me :(

sounds just like me
by: Anonymous

This whole comment could be my life but it took me 10 years. On his last drama show of being a child, he yelled and screamed at me that he hated me, he hated my fn guts, then continued to pack his things and left… Next day he begged me to take him back.

I refused and have been struggling, but moving forward in all this mess. I feel bad for my children that this happened but I cannot live with him anymore. I am on the road to recovery, in a support group and so are my girls. I thank God for giving me the courage to do what I have had to do.

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde ...
by: Anonymous

I was seduced by his good looks, intelligence and charm 3.5 years ago. I saw the red flags very early on but was just going through a divorce myself at the time and the attention I got from someone who shared the same social circle, taste in restaurants and wine, golf, running and skiing - I got sucked in.

I should have run the first few weeks I met him, as he was a game player right out of the gate. I met him on-line and he asked me after our first date to take my profile down but he proceeded to stay on meeting other women and I later learned - sleeping with them all the while he kept his ex-girlfriend on the go as well - whose pattern with her was to break up every two weeks to meet and sleep with new women. It was during one of those two week periods I met him.

His moods would change at the drop of a hat. He was hot and cold. One minute I was beautiful and the love of his life, the next I was an ugly mutt who deserved nothing, not even his love. He was keeping in touch with his ex-girlfriend whom he said wouldn't leave him alone as she wanted him back and this drove me mental. I would stick up for myself and call him out on his awful behavior and when I would he would call me crazy, bi-polar and the one with issues. I was the one with the "messed up reality" is the terms he used to use all the time. You start to believe this about yourself after a while - although the old you was beautiful, confident, smart and strong.

He was extremely well versed and could express himself extremely eloquently and would try and talk circles around me making me feel that maybe it was me!!

He would break up and throw me away like I was trash every few months so that he could use the excuse to go date another woman. I would always take him back as he would once again become Prince Charming however each time the length that it lasted was shorter and shorter. I started going to therapy as I was lost. I was an insecure, crazed, jealous shell of myself and I was feeling helpless.

This lasted for 3.5 years until I was on holidays in Puerto Rico with my son and just said ENOUGH. I was starting to no longer be attracted to this person, his rages would last days at a time and the final straw for me was when he threw one last women at me and threatened my life!

I got the police involved, told everyone that knew me and him that I was done and why. Everyone that knows me asked me why it took so long? He didn't deserve someone like me and I could do better as he was a 46 year old, retail clerk who would soon be out of a job as his family business was closing down.

I feel at peace now with my decision and know in my heart that this is finally the end for me as I feel nothing! Someone else can have this hot mess that even my counselor who met him said he is a Bi-polar Narcissist who will need at least 5 years of intensive therapy to help him in any way.

I know how hard it is to leave. I was once a strong, intelligent, confident woman who allowed herself to be beaten down so emotionally, mentally and verbally that you feel lost.

I have regained ME - I would never go back and even as I write this I still get emails and calls and if he isn't getting the response he wants - he lashes out and threatens me.

I am done and happily moving on from CRAZY!!

Absolutely correct!
by: Anonymous

I am just now leaving a 6 year horrific relationship. The abuse started through control, insults, blackmail, public and online humiliation, spitting on me, and more. Physical violence started with holes in the wall, but soon escalated to dents in my car from his fist, kicking, pushing my face against the wall with his fists, threats with a knife, hands around my neck, throwing punches into the pillow by my head as I was sleeping, and kicking me hard enough to leave bruises. He backhanded me into a wall and left bruises on my face. The last time he physically assaulted me, he left bruises on my arms and legs so deep, I still had them two weeks later. Every time he was angry and I even remotely stood up for myself, I could see his hands ball up in fists. Never once was he truly sorry. In every case, he blamed his abuse on me. I made him do what he did.

I am leaving him for good. I am tired of the control in everything, where I went, how I dressed, even forbidding me from wearing any make up. I am tired of being afraid. I am tired of his threats of violence against me and my family. Six years of my life is enough.

My abuser didn't get better. He got worse. The abuse got more violent. The hatred toward me continued to grow. All he wanted was control. Well, in the end, he has lost because I am gone and I will never, ever go back.

Thank you again for sharing your story. It helps to read things like this, knowing that what we have endured is classic abuse and the only way to stop it, is to leave.

by: Anonymous

I got back with my partner after being separated for two years. The first time around he beat me for 5 years: Bloody lips, black eyes, and punching me in my stomach in the middle of the night. He even raped me while I was sleeping one night. Well after two years of being an independent woman living on my own we both had a death in the family and after two years I believed he changed. Now it's verbal abuse. Calling me names and breaking stuff (rarely), but the verbal mental abuse is torture. I am on disability. I am 27. He has tried to kill me before (he has stated he wishes he did after the fact). I think he is going to kill me one day, I pray not. I can't get out of bed and I am severely depressed. I am underweight. I have family members who are sick and dying, so I am going through a bad time. Today he called me a loser because I am disabled. I was driving. I lost control of the wheel. He almost broke all my fingers. PLEASE DON’T GO BACK.

My wife is the abusive one
by: Anonymous

My wife and I have just filed for divorce! On March 5th she told me she was in love with someone else! Ten days later she says that I abused her emotionally and verbally! My wife and I never had a fight except when she was mad at my boys (her step kids)! My wife threw a butter knife at me while holding our 6 month baby girl! She threw a plate on the ground making a shard hit my daughter in the face! One minute my wife says lets go to therapy, the next divorce she finally filed! She has kept my daughter away from me for ten days straight! The therapists I see says my wife is sick; she has borderline personify disorder and is bi polar and she does take meds! The therapist I says she is the abusive one! The therapist she sees says it’s me! A month ago when she saw my therapist she said our marriage was great she adores me! Five days before she told me she was in love with someone else we wanted to have another child with me! I'm so confused. If my wife is berating my 8 and ten year old and I stick up for them, does that make me a monster because my wife claims I am!

I am trying to leave
by: Anonymous

I have only known him for 1 year. We have been married for 6 months. I see alarming behavior and habits. I see his pattern, it has become predictable. He blames me, his daughter and everyone else for his abusive behavior, lack of organization and problems. I have only seen what I can possibly see in a year. After he threatened to shoot himself I finally called the police and left with our 8 week old daughter. He finally forced me out and then he changed the locks. Now he has me going to therapy. I'm afraid of this whole situation. He's manipulative and I'm afraid to go back but he makes me feel guilty like it's my fault. In my heart we are through, I'm so scared about him having any parental rights over our daughter. He's explosive and abusive and allowed his other daughter to be molested!

Feeling lost and alone
by: Anonymous

I too am a victim of emotional, mental, verbal and sometimes physical abuse. I have been in this relationship for 30yrs, with two grown children and one still at home. The cycle has got to be broken. Feeling a sense of relief for moving out…but also once he knew my plans, the honeymoon stage started. I’m too old and have been there and done that… no more!!! I’m so done!!!!

Healing After Leaving
by: Anonymous

I had the courage to leave a relationship after a few years of verbal and emotional abuse. It's been so confusing....how can someone be so great and loving (gifts, good deeds/actions) then take it all away with angry outbursts? I think that's why I stayed and sometimes still doubt my decision. Some things that were said can't be forgotten. I'm hoping to feel some relief soon, waiting for my heart to catch up with my head.
Any advice?

Don't feel like me anymore....
by: Anonymous

Even though it's been a couple of years since being around my abuser it still feels like it was yesterday... It's funny how when you meet your abuser for the first time you never see the real them till they know your guard is down and they have you where they want you... I'm 35 now and happily married to the exact opposite of my EX. He is everything I've ever wanted, but I find myself at times withdrawn and just totally checked out. I used to be so optimistic and happy and loved being around people and could find happiness in a bad situation. Now, not so much; after 6 years of verbal and emotional abuse I feel like the ME that once was is floating and looking down at me. I feel like my EX took that part of me and I'll never get it back!! I feel as though I'm being total unfair to my current husband who loves me deeply and is good inside and out, sometimes I feel like a failure because I can't at times perform my duties as a wife, nor do I need or want to have sex as he waits and never pushes me to do anything and is there to hold my hand... Someone please tell me I’m not alone and that there are others like me!? All I want is the old me back again...

Don't want to be married anymore
by: Anonymous

I am in your shoes because I've been married for 30 years to a verbally and emotionally abusive man. We have 5 grown up kids and one 7 year old daughter. I've been cursed, cheated on, and accused of all sorts of things in front of my kids and it's affected them so bad. He was a serial cheater going out every night with prostitutes, spending money on them and yet he won't give me a dime or even sleep with me. My boys are so disrespectful towards me and females in general, always calling the B word because of how their dad treated me in front of them, which hurts me, so bad. I feel so guilty because I blame myself for staying. Now am 53 and want to leave so bad but am not financially capable of leaving because he wouldn’t let me work and now am stuck. I am so unhappy and lonely that I’m thinking of having an affair just to be happy. My husband is a fisherman and doesn't give me money or anything and I usually steal his money to take care of myself. I feel bad for stealing from him but I have no one to help me. I am confused and need some advice from you my sisters because all I want is to be happy for the rest of my days. I am Muslim and it's very hard to get a divorce in our religion but I don't care anymore, am so tired of everything. Please help me. 😩😩😭

Physically, Mentally drained
by: Anonymous

I have so much in me ...to get out. I don't know where to begin. God, you are my strength and my refuge. Well, I'm going through a divorce, not something I'm proud of. As a little girl talking with my best friend, I remember us saying how we would marry and have kids, a house with a nice yard and a dog...etc. Getting physically and verbally abused was definitely not something we discussed or I daydreamed about when I was a little girl. So, here I am over 25 years later and I am drained, unhappy, scared, my health is deteriorating and I have two young kids to think about in all this chaos. It started with, "You’re a sorry a** excuse for a wife". Then the whole "You love our kids more than you love me,” “You give them all the attention. I'm just a sperm donor".

He burned some of my belongings in front of my kids and cussed me out, threw things at me in front of them. Shoved me and knocked me down. Ripped pictures of my family members to pieces!! As a result, I see how it's affecting my kids. My youngest is being disrespectful towards me and his grandparents. They are mimicking what they see. I had seen the warning signs before I married him. I just wanted my kids to have a whole family, their mom and dad under the same roof. I really thought things would change and besides...I loved him.

Please, please don't do something because you think it's the right thing to do. Rely on your gut instinct. If you have to keep questioning your decision or come up with excuses on why you should go through with something… Nine times out of ten... you’re forcing something that probably isn't meant to be. And God gave me all the signs. His drinking, his cheating, always having excuses for not helping with the rent or utilities and just plan ole' lying. And he was really good at playing the victim, turning it all around on me (that reverse psychology). He would make me feel sorry for him, talk about his past or whatever to play on my feelings and I would really begin to think it was my fault our marriage was falling apart. And since we just started this process... the battle has just begun.

Emotional Abuse IS abuse
by: DC

Wow- just reading all of these passages and I am in awe of the strength of you women… And then I realized that I am one of you. We've been married for 12 years. On July 11, I got the strength to tell my husband that I am finally done...this came after several days of enduring verbal abuse, accusations, rage and any other flippant emotion that he felt like spewing my way. Oh, and this is after 2 marriage counselors, my own therapist and a prescription for anti-anxiety meds (for me). I feel scared but oddly exhilarated. The verse that I am clinging to is: "My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness. Therefore I shall boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that his power may rest in me". II Corinthians
I see similar threads in me as the rest of you: ostracized from friends and family, no control over finances, the house or our schedule. He controlled me and, to keep the peace, I let him. My family was concerned and said that they missed the "real" me. I was guarded and had no emotion in my voice when he was around- like a mouse in the background. The only thing I had control over was a flower pot in the backyard. I took a picture of it and am going to frame it, hand it as soon as he leaves (30 days).
Thank you all for sharing your stories...I don't feel so alone and, yes, emotional abuse is the same as physical...there will never be the perfect time to make a change. Find some strength, trust The Lord and end it.

Feeling Trapped
by: Anonymous

I have been married for 10 years. I have never been a priority in our marriage. His 2 children from his previous marriage got all the attention even while I was pregnant with our first child. After our daughter’s birth, the kids still always came first. I have always felt like a live-in Nanny instead of a wife and mother. I have always treated his children like my own.

The past 18 months have been the worst. His ex-wife put domestic violence charges on him and he was unable to see those girls for a year. It was supposed to be supervised visits but the system is broke. The DVPO is bogus anyway; he never hurt the children in the ways listed in the PO. The Ex-wife would not agree on who would be able to supervise, so it took 10 months for him to get to see only one of his girls from their marriage. So the DVPO has been over and his ex is still causing him problems. She doesn’t want him to go back to the 50/50 custody because she wants his money. Well Lady, he doesn’t have any money left. It all went to lawyers and filing fees.

We have 2 vehicles; I don’t work, and have a lot of credit bills and a mortgage payment. Now we have lost the house, filed chapter 13, and still have to pay 600 a month for that. Yes he is verbally abusive and I had mentioned about 2 months ago that we should split while we are still friends and he begged me not to so I didn’t go, but he is always throwing it in my face. (literally, just yesterday he told me I should go find my own place - and I have been a stay at home mom pretty much since we were married because his family is not supportive of me going to work and therefore do not help watch or care for the children so I CAN work )

I really want to leave before the hatred builds up too much. He is still the father of my children and he has never physically hurt me or the children. I just need to get out for my personal sanity. His mood swings and words are hurtful even though I have been here standing with him to help him see his girls and get them back. The girls do have issues, one is a pathological liar and the other has ADHD and they both are cutters. I am having such a difficult time because I do not have family here and not many friends and do not know where to go for help. I need an intervention!!!! We go at it, and then things just get quiet and calm… like nothing happened. I don’t like the situation for my kids at all. (We actually have 2 girls ourselves who are more than normal). Somebody help me please…

Lost my job, divorced and now bankrupt and I actually feel better
by: Anonymous

I'll just get to it. I got married to someone in 14 years ago after having a child with him because I let him pressure me into it. During my marriage I had all the credit in my name and but made no final decisions including purchasing a house 5 miles from his mother for which I am now facing foreclosure. My entire marriage he used me to pay the bills, never helped around the house, or contributed anything. It was like living with an enemy. He told friends years back how he would ruin me if I ever left him. I let fear keep me in this nightmare. I lost contact with my friends because he made them uncomfortable, he contacted my former employer, texted my direct reports and embarrassed me by telling them derogatory references about me. This was hard because I am a private person and didn't want people at work knowing my personal life was so bad. The Icing in the cake was when he quit his job while still owing child support to his ex for another year and a half in another state. Then he started a business and used the house I have been living in to run his business, having complete strangers coming on and acting as though I should be lucky to be in their presence. We did have another child during this time.

Now I’ve lost my job, just received my divorce decree and recently filed bankruptcy. These past 11 years have been horrible. The ONLY good thing is my kids. I am scared no one will hire me, but have to keep applying. I kept looking over my back until recently and have accepted I can't change my past but only going forward. I have an education with a graduate degree and feel ashamed how I got to this place.

thank you for your story
by: Anonymous

Your story is exactly my story, except I was married 18 years. The divorce litigation and bitter custody battle has been going on for more than a year now and he has tried everything under the sun to take me down. My daughters are my rock and they look up to me to see how to survive. I have my down days, but my strength comes from never conceding to his sickness and proving to him that I can make it through his emotional and mental games and torture from him. I told him to "never underestimate me" and my daughters and I will come through this better than yesterday.
Thank you for telling your story, it truly helps me to feel that I am not alone.

by: Linda

Yes, girl, be proud of your SELF! Your story is mine as well. In the wonderful words of The Who, WON'T GET FOOLED AGAIN.

Warning from a widow
by: Warning from a widow

You are so right in your comments. I did not get out in time and ended up physically abused. I was a widow at 32 years old. I remarried a man 10 years younger than me. After 10 years of marriage, I ran from my marriage ... the monster ... the abuser. No alimony, no child support. I take care of myself now and 2 teens financially. My husband back then would smash my face with his elbow at night while I slept. I lost 4 permanent teeth on my lower jaw. Instead of kissing me, he would bite my lips causing them to bleed. After I filed for divorce, he came crying to me wanting to know why I was divorcing him. I asked him, 'why the beatings while I slept'? He said he was raped and he would fight his monsters at night. I do believe he was raped. I also do believe another man put him in his place. He was a gold digger and had no compassion for another human being. He said to me the day we met at the bank to split what little was left in the accounts, that I should have 'died on the maternity table as the doctors thought I was going to', and then he would have gotten it all. This is a warning to widowed women. You don't want to go through my hell.

Men Who Hate Women
by: Anonymous

I went through all the typical stages a woman who is married to a sociopath goes through. At first, he was a charmer. But then after we got married and had our children, things changed... His abuse started as verbal and emotional… accusing me of cheating on him with both men and women, when all I was doing was either working or making friends with other women who were raising children. All this time, he was actually cheating on me.

I had to get two restraining orders to get him out. When I filed the first one he tried to stop me from going to court. Then he promised the family counselors he would change and as soon as I let him back in, he was up to his old tricks. My job was ending and he had me so crazy I could not look for another job. One day he went through the whole house, smashing everything.

So I filed the second restraining order. His mother called and said, "I know you are not getting along and want to separate, but why don't you just live in the same house but in separate rooms. I said "Because he is violent, screaming and cursing at me and the kids and he isn't paying his share so why should I let him live here. He should go live with his girlfriend." She said, "Oh, I didn't know that."

When I filed for divorce he begged me, threatened me, cajoled me to drop the case and I did because he was changing jobs and moving a few hundred miles away. We had occasional contact and I was forgiving and polite to him in the ensuing 24 years. But now he is ready to retire and wants his half of the house. He resorted to his horrible behaviors and when I wouldn't deal with him, he now has a lawyer who believes all his sad tales and who is doing the bullying. Part of his settlement offer for divorce is that I owe him rental value of the house because I have lived in it all these years and he wants his fair share. Never mind that he hasn't paid one penny since he began his affair and I struggled to keep it with help from my Dad who has now passed away.

My younger son said he would stand up for me in court and refuses to talk to his father. All I did was protect them from him. My older son doesn’t want to get involved. Because I didn't follow through 24 years ago, I am back in the same situation because he needed someone to harass and intimidate and I fell into that trap again. A book called “Men Who Hate Women and Women Who Love Them” describes my life. I avoided finalizing the divorce because it was easier to live peacefully without his presence, but he still wants to victimize me.

I finally got resources and got an attorney and am leaving it in her hands and God's hands. My advice is if you get to the stage of filing for divorce, go through with it and relieve yourself of his hateful rage. I also believe that I will win this case because I have truth on my side and all he has is lies. But I wish I had the strength 24 years ago to get rid of him once and for all.

marriage or hell
by: Anonymous

Is there any help for women like us? I'm going true hell with my husband right now. Going to court every month; if I only had a camera on my head to prove everything he’s done. Someone should do something and change the system in the court to make our escape from abusers easier

by: Anonymous

I am a 35 year woman, mother of 2, a 14 and 4 year old for the past, 5 years I been trying to cover the sun with one finger and not admitted to myself that this relationship was a bad idea. I don't even know who I am anymore, I doubt myself because I truly believe I am crazy and I am scared to do things without his approval. I sometimes don't eat because I am too tired or to depressed to eat so. I cry for no reason, and I find that my job is my outlet. He has come to my work because I have not answered my cell phone. He has accused me of cheating with men and women. He doesn't work so I am head of house hold, but he gets mad if not all the bills are pad., I only make so much, and I still have to come home and take care of my children, and if he does work then he holds money from me and only gives me to get by for gas to get to work. I know this is wrong. What so sad is that everything is under my name but the water bill and the apartment. I am ready to go I just don't know if I should pay the rent, or take this paycheck and run and get help. Will the law protect me? Will and can I lose my job? My oldest son could no longer take the mental abuse, so he left with his father and his grandmother. What is mental abuse? Why is so hard to prove it? Why does the law view it like you’re just having problems and they are not willing to help you?

Frustrated and trapped
by: Anonymous

I have been with my husband for 25 years. I was too young when I married to recognize the signs which would become my future. I've never had a joint bank account, he claimed I wouldn't understand what stockbroking involved, and I got an allowance of $200 per week. Everything from nappies to kitchen sponges and clothes for us had to be supplied out of this and he would get mad if something wasn't there. I wasn't allowed out, and all my friends were not his cup of tea. So now 25 years later I have no friends and no money. He didn't give me a cent for 1.5 years because apparently we aren't doing too well, how would I know what's happening. When I told him I wanted a divorce, he was shocked and made us go to counseling. The counselor agreed with me and told him that that was abuse not to give me any money at all when he was driving an Austin Martin. That shocked him again. After that he got really bad. I haven’t worked for 14 years and have no current skills or any way of paying for them. All his friends are lawyers and they say I'll get $38 a week. I am stuck. He has just come back from an overseas holiday with the kids, spent a fortune on it, and they are decked out in the best, finally. I wasn't invited unless I paid, so I didn't go. I am stuck in the worst roller coaster ride ever.

Don't leave.
by: Anonymous

I have been fighting to be divorced now for three years. If I could do it over again I would have filed for divorce and had my husband removed from the house, even if it meant filing a restraining order. While I was not physically abused the emotional and verbal abuse was horrible. I did not realize how bad till I had been away. Leaving to get away from a bad situation seems the only option but as I found out you will pay for it later in the courts. In order to get any financial support you need to make sure you stay in the house and with the children, if you think you can get away and fight for the kids, house and marital assets later you are in for a very long, emotional, and expensive road. You need to get that "Don't f--- with Mother hood" mojo and stand your ground! Stay with the children in the home, you will have a better chance in court. If you fear for your life that's another story. All of us women who are people pleasing and abused into not feeling good enough. Us who hate conflict and un-peaceful situations, fight for your children, let them see that you respect yourself and them enough to make the changes needed to live a health existence, even if you don't believe it. Seek good legal counsel before you do anything, hid money, clip coupons and take the money saved if you have too. Have a plan before you file, a little preparation can save you a lot of pain later. Know your finances, if you can make copies of bills and bank statements before you file do it. Take pictures of everything, even text messages from him that show verbal abuse. You will start to build confidence the more you gather and you will build a strong case for yourself. You need to know that there is husband/wife privilege; if you go to court anything said between you cannot be used as evidence unless someone else was there to hear it and children do not count unless they are grown. There are so many of us out there. I had no idea; I thought my story was unique. I found out that anything taken before filing for divorce is fair game in my state. Unfortunately, my hopefully soon to be ex, knew it first. I will be responsible for half of all the debt. He took 75,000 in equity from the house, cleaned out all of the bank accounts, hid all of his tools and equipment, and removed everything from the house he wanted. He turned off my cell phone, and closed all other shared account. People tried to tell me but I thought by being nice and fair it would come back to me. Life doesn't work like that and guys that abusive are not nice and worse when they find out they are being divorced. Be Strong YOU HAVE TOO! It will matter and make a difference for your future life. YOU CAN DO IT!

Divorced after 18 years!
by: Anonymous

I thought I had met the man of my dreams and it was like that for the first 8 years but then he got a new job and started hanging out with the "guys" and everything went downhill. He started drinking more and more as the years went on and as the drinking progressed so did his verbal abuse. He didn't care if he called me a "bit..", "wh.re", "sl.t", or "a..h.le" in front of the children. He even went as far as to threaten to kill himself in front of our older daughter. When he figured out that I was just ignoring his verbal abuse, he started physically abusing me. After years of physical abuse I became immune to it so he tried to start abusing the children and tried to kill us all one night and that's when I put a stop to everything and had him served with a restraining order and then a week later divorce papers. A year later I was a free woman but to this day he still makes my life a living hell.

Like Father Like Son
by: Anonymous

My 32 year old son treats me just like his dad did while we were married - with disrespect, emotional and verbal abuse. As family members have tried to point out to me, he only is nice and contacts me when he needs something or my help with the grandchildren. Some of the words he texts or says to me are exact duplicates of the words I heard from his dad. He is in denial that he treats me this way, and will not listen or accept the truth that I suffered physical, emotional and verbal abuse from his dad and will not tolerate it from him. I've now received messages from ex sister-in-law, brother-in-law and the ex's new wife that I am crazy, I need some crazy pills, etc., etc. I am at a lost as how to continue a relationship with my son, as I don't want to give up or jeopardize the loving relationship I have with my grandchildren (ages 2-8). My ex's parting words from our divorce were "I'm going to make your life miserable and bring you down. You will die a lonely woman with no friends and no family to love you.'' His new wife (by the way - both were married when they had their affairs that caused the divorces of both marriages) has also left me phone messages (until I reported her for harassment & changed my phone #), gloating about having my former husband, a house…etc. Do I just cut ties with my son, but what about the love and relationship with grandchildren?

32 years of marrige and abused
by: Anonymous

I have been depressed over this mess; it feels like I can take something from each story and it feels like it's mine. Drinking on top of drug use, being called stupid all the time, and that you are fat. I work all day and he is retired. As time goes on it has gotten worse, and we have been married 32 years. It has taken this long to believe this is wrong. I would go to work crying cry all day wondering what things would be like when I would get home. He even told me I would have to earn his respect. I didn't know what to say to that. I am in the process of leaving but it is hard.

by: Anonymous

Abusers come in all shapes and sizes - mine did not start out that way but after 15 years he started drinking heavily and that is when the verbal abuse started. I let it go on for another 15 years - I just let it go in one ear and out the other - until my last child turned 18. I went to budgetlegal.com, filed for divorce and I now could not be happier. Did I waste the last 15 years of my life - I don't know. It was more important to have a stable environment for the kids; however 3 days after my child's 18th birthday I filed. It is the best decision I have ever made.

Still here, but leaving..
by: Anonymous

Oh boy, my husband was a sweet, hardworking man when we married 12 years ago. Now, after a heart attack, 5 mini strokes, a bypass and a ripped shoulder, he is a changed man! He drinks on top of all his medication, is disrespectable to me, sleeps all day and can't sleep at night. He's up all night washing clothes, turning lights on and off; anything to basically annoy me. I have to work every day and am going thru menopause so I usually cannot sleep anyway. I filed for divorce 5 years ago but didn't serve him. Things have gotten worse. Mental abuse, etc. I've had enough I just need to believe in myself to go thru it. Btw, he won't leave so it's all on my shoulders to do something about it. Wish me luck…

Worse than the abuse, be aware.
by: Anonymous

I was in my relationship for 13 years, 7 unmarried and the past 6 married.

Two years into the relationship I knew there was a problem with relationship and said I would not marry him. He left but returned later that night, beat me viciously, and put me in the hospital. Stupidly after his crying and begging and promises I let him back.

But the "minor" physical attacks, the slapping, punching on parts that didn't show and verbal abuse, although less, never stopped.

So I went on to marry him. In six years I had two PFA's with home evictions, three emergency PFA's and two harassment convictions on him. The last was this past March.

I let him back in all of those times because of the soft spot in me, not because he ever changed although he promised and promised and promised.

I filed for divorce in March. My lawyer told me there was nothing I could do about the abuse. Even though I had no job and he was evicted from the house, I had to pay for all to remain there. My husband stole over 10,000 dollars when he left and I was told by lawyer I could never get it back since it was prior to him being served. When I couldn't pay the mortgage and my husband was forced to prevent penalty, I was told by his lawyer they would take this before the court, have me evicted and the house sold under a court order. I would also have to pay him back for the mortgage payments HE PAID. Here's the thing, I owned the home for 28 years the last 6 his name was on it. So I was being evicted for being completely deluded and coerced in putting his name on the house when I married.

I have another attorney and I am still in the home, things are working out better.

Be careful of what you are being told about your right. If it doesn't sound right, go somewhere else for counsel. Don't be bullied outside of the abusive relationship, don't take more abuse.

Five months later, I think more clearly and live a good, free life. Look for that and never look back.

The Internet won and I lost
by: Anonymous

I have been married since 1983. Kevin and I have not lived together for over 5 years. How could I have missed all the signs? He says he will always love me since I am the mother of his children. But, he’s not in love with me like he should be. When my kids were living at home they used to say dad got an IM today. I did not a clue what went on chat sites. One night I came home early and his phone kept going off. So I answered it. There was a whole conversation with a woman who knew him well enough that he had a couple of drinks. What makes it worse we live 3 blocks away from her. When I left, he got the house, car, appliances. I still haven't hit the anger stage. He offered me 30,000 for a divorce. I have no friends, he got them all. Does anyone have some advice?

Not sure what to do
by: Anonymous

We have been together for 6 years and have been married for 1. Ever since we got married he has treated me differently and he constantly yells at me. It’s like he doesn’t know how to talk anymore. I have asked him to not yell in front of the kids and he tells me he will do what he wants. Here lately he has told me I’m worthless and lazy. I can’t ever do anything, he has to do everything. Now he is accusing me of cheating. I am a server and was working 2 jobs and 70 hours a week. Now I am down to one job because he said he didn’t get to see me anymore and that was why he was so angry. So now I just work nights. I close many times so I don’t get home till after midnight. Then I do homework till 3 am and am back up with the kids at 6 am. I really don’t sleep and when I do sleep till 8, I get told I’m worthless and there are things to be done around the house. When I clean it is never good enough. He has told me I am not the kind of wife he wanted and it’s my fault we don’t have money when he doesn’t understand how much things cost and I have tried to explain numerous times. For example, he thinks he uses 25 dollars in gas a week when it takes him an hour to get there. The reality is he uses $120. But it’s my fault for not making more money. The yelling has made me not even want to be around him anymore and I am finding myself less and less attracted to him. I grew up in an abusive home and this feels like how my childhood started. My mom, who never left her marriage, is telling me to tough it out but I don’t want to be her. I really could use some advice. Are the things he’s saying to me verbal abuse or am I just making it up?

What should I do?
by: Anonymous

Ladies, I am in a quandary... We dated for 9 years then got married. We will be married for 10 years next April. He started the honeymoon crying in my nightgown and blowing his nose on the bed sheets because he wasn't ready to go home yet. He wanted to party more. Then 2 weeks later he tells me he had no intentions of putting me on his insurance. Over the next few years there was physical abuse, several 911 calls and yet here I still am. Now I have a terminal illness and he treats me like I am a second class citizen. I worked all my life and took very good care of him and then us and now I am on disability and he resents me for it because he still has to work. He made me sell my car because he didn't want to make the payments and keep me 'needing' him for all my Doctor visits. I am so done with this marriage and am only staying till my 10 year anniversary so I can get as much as I can...wish me luck huh?!

It does get easier
by: Anonymous

This is for Jan. I too went for counseling 3 times and it was great for a while but it never took and we were back to our old ways. You have to look out for yourself and ask "is this what I want for the rest of my life?"

I know it is not easy but you can do it. God gave me the power to say I am not living like this. I am 64 years old and I want to live without the stress of trying to live with someone I do not respect.

In the 7 months since I left I have grown into a different person, one who can do anything I set my mind to do.

Good luck with anything you do, God loves you and with you all the way.

Miss 45 years, where are you?
by: Jan

I would love to talk to the lady who stayed married for 45 years, then up and left. I thought I was the only one who stayed, thinking things were going to change. I have been married for 26 years. We are seeing couples counseling right now and things are calm, but I can't help but think we will slide back to our former selves before too long. The fact is, I don't love him, I don't want to be physically close to him. Fear of "poverty" has kept me here this long, but I think it's time I grow some courage and do the right thing for myself. Leave.
Thanks to all the other ladies with all your stories! They are so encouraging!

Ended marriage after 30 years
by: Anonymous

It took me 2 years to find his secret cell-phone, after I caught him on the computer, and NOW I know all about his AFFAIR. I am devastated but I know that it was not my fault. He is a compulsive liar and held no regard for my feelings. I too, did everything. I am a nurse, mother of 2 fantastic young men, and was stupid enough to give him the money to pay the bills.

Naturally, he tried to deny everything but ALL the evidence is on his phone! He even threated to kill himself if I didn't give him his phone back. Well I still have his phone and he is living in his truck! My feelings are still so raw and emotional but I found the strength to put an end to having him in my life!

20 years later . . .
by: Anonymous

Once our child graduated high school, I decided to ask my H for a divorce that was 2 months ago. It completely blindsided him because in his words, "he's happy."

There's no physical abuse & looking back, the mental was subtle. I was basically ignored & looked at with a smirk constantly-he made me feel small & insignificant with just a look. I hate that I gave him that power over me. If I stumbled when walking, his face would light up, yes, petty stuff like that.

Slowly I lost control of the finances & before I knew it I handed control over to him - My thought was, it would be one less thing for me to do & worry about. I wrote him a check every month for bills. I worked 40/50 hours a week, sometimes more. I cooked, cleaned & maintained an organized house. He did not have to worry about doing anything around the house. I would ask him to do things with me on the weekends & he never wanted to, I wouldn't either because I didn't want to go by myself. He ate & slept while I sat on the couch watching hours & hours of TV.

The day I showed him the divorce papers, he arrogantly signed the waiver on the spot & gave me cash for the filing fee. I held off filing, waiting for him to say something to me but he never did. 3 weeks later, I told him I was filing & his comment to me was, "You still haven't calmed down about this?" I knew then, I was a joke to him, I needed to file & not look back because he has no respect for me as his wife or as the mother of his child.

We sat down to go over our finances & when he gave me the list of bills it turned out that I was covering all the bills & the mortgage . . . um, so where was his money going? I never got a response but I later found out that he had incurred quite a bit of debt on his own because he is the type to go out & try to save everyone else but forgot about me.

I filed the paperwork & his main concern has been that I do not touch his pensions. He has informed me that he has "placed" me in God's hands - I don't have a problem with that but what I need is a reaction from him, at this point, I'll take anger but I have received nothing & I have taken that to mean he does not care.

When I told him I had filed, he said to me, "So you don't want to try no more? So you have given up just like that? Be sure to tell my family that you asked for the divorce." He refuses to take responsibility, at least half, for the failure of our marriage, I've accepted mine.

He has withdrawn from his family & I believe it's because the perfect image he created of himself to them has been shattered.

I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing but I have days that I feel guilty for screwing up his [not mine] perfect life. Other days, I have to drag myself out of bed to go to work. I've never been a crier but now I can cry at the drop of a hat because I feel so alone & can't believe I haven't received a reaction from him. I've been told that I will feel better as time passes. I hope that happens sooner than later.

Abuse and Divorce
by: Anonymous

Confusion over your values and constantly putting your needs, desires, wishes, rules and morals aside, to keep one's marriage together, indicates verbal and emotional abuse.

I am not one who wishes to be a victim, nor do I tear at my clothes and wail "Woe is me". I signed up for this marriage. The abuse begins slowly and women who marry an abuser are overwhelmingly "pleasers" trying to smooth out conflict in the family. I went to such lengths to keep the peace, working day and night to make my spouse happy, and it was one of the stupidest, moronic things I have ever done.

Here is what I know for sure, post-divorce in Cook County Chicago: Lawyers represent people with money, not poor people. Lawyers lie, hide accounts and create hostility. Most couples' finances are managed by the guy, and I never noticed that my name was not on any of those mutual fund accounts, etc... He was a coward, a liar and a thief. He used those very same traits to rip me to shreds in court, forcing a TRIAL after we spent 300,000 in legal fees. I was too sick about the failure to negotiate, he had his two lawyers working overtime to belittle, humiliate and drag the trial out for four years.

My lawyers sucked and I wish I would have had the guts to fire them. Here is what one of them said; “You eat what you kill”. So for the ladies staying home with the kiddies, you need to stop now and go get at least a part time job, for power, for options, for Utilities.

You are not alone
by: Anonymous

I too have left a verbally abusive husband but it took 45 years. Yes, I know what people are saying "what took you so long?" I kept telling myself things will get better, but they never did. When he retired it just got worse. Even his father and sister told me I needed to leave. So 5 months ago I did. I packed 1 suitcase, left the house at 3 a.m. and flew to GA from NY and moved in with my son. One month later he filed for divorce and it was final last week. I have not talked to him since. I guess he wanted me out of his life. So I am living in GA with no job no car and nothing else because he tossed out everything I left behind.

I thank God I had the strength to walk out and start over.

Where to find strength
by: Anonymous

Be strong in the Lord. He got me through the toughest year of my life after I filed for divorce. My advice: Stand firm in your convictions, stay with your kids who need you and the stability you give, refuse to participate in the verbal barbs, and let the Truth set you free. You can get through this by asking God to be by your side.

Leaving was a disaster for me
by: Anonymous

I left once after being married for seven years, but came back when he promised he would change and go to therapy. That lasted a total of two months. My girls were so young that I stayed with him for another seven years and finally one day I just took a deep breath and told him I filed for divorce. I stayed in the house for a couple of months until he kicked me out and kept starting horrible arguments in front of the kids. I couldn't put my girls through any more pain with all the arguments so I moved out. The girls wanted to stay in the same school and neighborhood so I let them stay with their dad until I could get a better job and find a place to live. I lived in my car for several months until I saved up enough money to rent an apartment near his home so the girls could come live with me. Little did I know that the courts would give him custody because I left the girls in his care during that time! I wish I never left, I think that I could have stayed and endured the abuse just to have my girls with me. I don't get to see them every morning when they wake up or tuck them in bed at night. My ex-husband discourages a relationship between myself and my girls. I hope that one day I can look back on this and see a positive outcome to leaving.

Not alone
by: PJ

I left twice, the second time for good. I spent nearly twenty years of my life in the very same situation as stated above. I wished I had stayed gone when I left the first time. I fear my two boys will be very much like their father, as they witnessed the behavior for much of their lives. I left two years ago and my now 16 year old stayed with his father. My 13 year old is with me. Fourteen is the legal age of reason, how crazy is that? However crazy daddy is, crazy Daddy Warbucks has the money I cannot even fathom having and never had access to by the way. I left with nothing. Not even my car. He disabled it and took it away from me, while he has seven cars, two trucks and three motorcycles and two jet skis. I rent a townhouse, while he owns two and rents other properties. Our divorce is not yet final, however, HE will get half of my 401K and I MIGHT get half of one house because my name is on it. A house that he has let go, he quit his job two years ago to keep from having any income shown so that I may have to pay him child support and alimony. I don’t care if I am penniless... Every day on the outside is a good day and worth being broke.

Common feeling
by: Anonymous

Wow I felt like I was reading about my situation.
I'm currently in the process of divorcing but as it is, we're still living in the same house. I will not leave my three children and he won't either. It's hard to explain to someone else how emotional abuse hurts on the heart unless they've been through it too. I did as a child and can recognize it better as an adult. My kids don't need to grow up in a house like that and I refuse to accept the abuse or let my children see that it's OK.

So now we're waiting to see who the courts will let stay in the house temporarily along with temporary custody of kids. The stress of living in the same house with him is VERY hard at times. We're constantly watching the other seeing who's going to mess up first. We've been doing this for 4 months now. (Slow courts)

Ugh has become my new favorite word.
Thanks for your post that helped me realize that someone else understands the emotional abuse stuff.

by: Anonymous

You are a very strong woman. I admire you so much. I am sure many women identify with the way you felt. I am glad you are a free woman now. God bless you always.

Mine won't communicate
by: Anonymous

We have been together for 13 years. At that time we got together, I was just coming out of a bad marriage to an alcoholic. My mother was very ill and he saw how vulnerable I was & he fed on that. We married the following year and had a baby. By the time my son was a year old, everything started going down-hill. He was always questioning me when I went out, commenting on what I wore and who I was talking to on the phone. My family & friends told me and warned me not to marry him; that I would be unhappy. But I did not listen.

He always put me down, telling me I was getting chubby & not to wear certain clothes. I really see now he was just being controlling & knocking down my self-esteem so I would never leave him. I really was never 100% happy. I was just sticking around for my son. I need to be happy. There is fighting every day & night. I don't want my son to see this or think that this is the way a marriage should be or how a man should treat a woman. There is more, but that just an idea of how miserable, empty, & unhappy I am.

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