The pain of losing the one you love hurts, but you need to learn how to deal with the pain of divorce so you can begin to move forward and start rebuilding your life. While the pain may seem unbearable right now, it will ease with time. For some perspective on how to cope with your emotions, keep reading...
Question: How do I get over the pain of losing someone I was married to for twenty-two years?
Gloria answers: The pain of losing someone we love, no matter what the circumstance, is very real, and it hurts! I can remember when my husband of 19 years and I split that I could only go about 48 hours before I'd break down and cry another river of tears. Then gradually I noticed I could go about a week, then a few, then a month, and so on. It isn't pleasant; it isn't fun; and we just want it to be over. Yet, my challenge for you (and for all of us) is that while we just want to run away from it, instead we take some time to embrace the pain and learn from it. Pain can be a great teacher when we learn to listen.
What can you discover about yourself in the midst of your pain and where is it really coming from? Is it originating from feeling lonely, afraid, disappointed, or betrayed? And then, what would you like to do with that information? You have the option to sit at home feeling sorry for yourself (which is okay now and then), but you also have the power within you to start rebuilding your life while you're trying to work through these emotions.
Another piece that was essential in pulling me through was finding the courage to reach out to someone in my support team - my Mom, my best friend, my coach, and others who have been there, done that, and even my attorney! Oftentimes, we have a tendency to withdraw and retreat when we are hurting, convinced that no one else could possibly understand what we are going through. And even if they did, they would tire of listening to us cry and whine. But that just isn't true.
Even though it takes courage to open up, start to reach out those who love you and want the best for you. We all have pain at different points in our lives, and this is your time. The next time, it may be theirs and I'd love for you to be there for them in return. (If you don't have anyone close you can turn to support, you might consider using an online counseling service like BetterHelp to help you get through this.)
Patty's Question: How do I deal with my husband of 25 years telling me that he didn't love me and didn't think he ever did? To add to the hurt, he admitted that he wasn't attracted to me anymore because my stomach is so stretched out from being pregnant with our three kids and the colon cancer I had 8 years ago. He lied for years that that didn't bother him. I am trying to hold it together for my kids, but I can't function. He has seen a lawyer but nothing has been done yet because I begged him not to start the divorce just as I was going back to work. I truly love him with all my heart and I simply will never understand how he could just throw me away. I have always been faithful and I think he has too. My self-esteem and confidence has been totally destroyed and the loneliness is unbearable. HELP!!
Gloria's Answer: Patty, my first simple and strong words of encouragement for you are these: Hold to the truth!! The truth is, at one time or another over these past 25 years, he did love you and he probably still does. The truth is your physical attractiveness may not always have bothered him, but now, for some reason, it is. The truth is YOU are a loving and caring wife and mother of 3 beautiful children who is an amazing survivor of colon cancer. The truth is life changes and we must change with it!
My second thought for you is to stop begging. Remember the wonderful, remarkable woman you are who works hard, loves much, and will survive this, too. Give yourself the respect that you truly deserve.
Third thought, take a look in the mirror and see if you like the physical parts of who you are. How do YOU feel about the body that you are living in? Are YOU happy with it or are there some things you'd like to work on? Empower yourself to exercise, diet, try a new skin care system, or do whatever is necessary to rebuild your own physical confidence.
The more beautiful you are to yourself by holding to the truth in every way, the more beautiful you will become to the world around you. And something tells me that your husband will notice it, too!