Going through the turmoil of divorce and letting go of the dreams of happily ever after is often hard. Even if you are the one who wanted the divorce, there may still be lingering feelings of jealousy and resentment. The following insight from the life coach may help you overcome some of these feelings.
Jeanette's Question: After 22 years of marriage, I can't understand how he can start a new relationship (it's just been 8 months since the divorce). I can't get over thinking of him with someone else. When am I going to be able to move on? I still love him and care for him and this makes it even harder.
Gloria's Answer: Why are you thinking of him at all? Yes, you were married for 22 years. Yes, you were divorced. Yes, it's been 8 months. And yes, YOU need to get control of yourself, your mind, and your energies, and let him go! I know this isn't easy because I went through it, too, but you must. If you do still love him as you say you do, then let him live his life, let him try on new relationships that make him happy, and stop your own suffering by making this hard. He's not making this hard - you are!
Look yourself in the mirror and remind yourself how much you love yourself and that it is time to stop suffering. Catch yourself every time you wonder about him and the other gal and say out loud - I wish you well. And then get busy creating your own life with lots of friends, new relationships of your own, love, and laughter. It has been 8 months, and it's time for you to let go and begin living.
Denise's Question: I am 37 years old and I have been divorced for 1 year, (and separated for a year before that). I still hurt so much, but the funny thing is that I wanted the divorce. My marriage was a lot of work on MY part; worrying, controlling, fixing, healing all the time with no partnership support. When I look back, I remember myself looking out the front window crying because I was so sad and lonely. So why am I still so hurt? I'm not jealous of his girlfriend, but I find that he treats her better than he treated me, and I did EVERYTHING for 15 years. Am I finding out that he really didn't ever love me the way I thought he did? I really want to be friends, but I have no respect for him. He now acts like a 22 year old (because of his girlfriend), drinks all the time, blows off our three children, has a Facebook page, and talks and emails like he's 22, with words like "peace" and "dude". It's embarrassing, but why should I care? I have met a great guy and so much want to move along, but find it really hard at times - help!
Gloria's Answer: I love your honestly and freshness, Denise, as you share your feelings in this note! So many ladies feel just like you - wondering why their ex-husband's are somehow miraculously changed into the person they always wanted to be with, yet it is happening with someone else! Although, it can go overboard at times! Grrrr . . .
Yet, for you, the healing will begin when you stop looking and stop judging all that your ex is doing. He is going to do whatever he wants to do, and you no longer have any say. He can make a complete and total fool of himself, and you have no power to stop him. This truth can make you feel helpless, but if you choose, it can be completely freeing!
I really want to encourage you to stop digging into all the activities of your ex - the Facebook, the language, the way he is treating his new, young hot thing. Let it go, and begin to place all your time and energy into yourself and your new life. Take care of yourself better than he ever could. Be the role model you truly want to be for your children regardless of what Dad does. Honor and be grateful for the new man in your life and enjoy every moment you have with him.
The feelings are normal, yet I do believe it is time to let go of them and move on. So, whenever you feel them resurfacing, look in the mirror, remind yourself of who you've become and all that you now have, and smile - YOU are amazing!
Donna's Question: We've been divorced only ten months, and my ex just got remarried. I was the one who asked for a divorce and I don't want him back because he is a liar, cheat, alcoholic, and a drug abuser. He was also very smooth and a con man, using women (including me) for financial gains. Knowing all of that, I have still had some VERY sad moments, remembering how happy I was when we were first married, before I began to see the game he was playing on me and anyone else. How can I move on past this, and not feel the need to hide from him and his new wife? I know people in the town are looking to see my reaction, because all know. Even though I divorced him, I loved him deeply. What can I do for me? I hate to stop doing things that I like to do in fear of seeing him, or them together.
Gloria's Answer: With the many that I have worked with, it always seems to come as a bit of shock and it does hurt when a divorced spouse remarries. We want to live in the fantasy that he loved us so much that no one could ever take our place. But the truth is, the ex does move on and we must, too.
I want to first acknowledge your feelings of sadness. It's is okay to have the tears. There is no shame in that. And I, for one, am not going to try and convince you that those early days weren't as wonderful as you thought. They were wonderful, and they deserve to be mourned. But as you move through this, I would love for you to challenge yourself to begin to celebrate those memories, too. Be thankful that you experienced those days; you had someone who loved you and you know what love and happiness are. From there, begin to go after all of that again!
As true as it is that your ex was able to find someone else, you, too, can find someone else who will love you, cherish you, honor and respect you. This is your opportunity to learn from the past and begin again with renewed wisdom and insight. So, let go of what the town thinks! If you are sad, cry. If you are happy, laugh. If you are remembering good times, celebrate. If you want to get out there and live life, do it without fear, resentment or regret.
Carrie's Question: I am a middle aged female who has been divorced for 8 years now. Our children from that marriage are grown. I need to know if I am "Okay" or not. My ex has moved his girlfriend and her daughter in with him. He has re-built his life just the way we had it when we were married. For example: he had a pool re-installed in the back yard and designed the deck just like we had, they got a black lab pup just like we had, they go to the same places we went on vacation. Is that something common people do after a divorce? I find it a bit creepy.
Gloria's Answer: You're a gem, Carrie, and your question gave me a smile! Is it normal or common for an ex to do this? I don't have a clue! BUT for you, I truly do want more for you than this.
I am sitting here wondering why it even matters to you that he has a pool in the backyard along with a deck like you used to have. My first reaction is he knows what he wants, and he creates it. He loved many parts of your life that the two of you shared, and he is creating it again. His choice!
What is your choice? What do YOU want your new and independent life to look like? Is there something from your past that you would like to bring with you into the present? If he can do it, so can YOU!!
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