Rebuilding Your Self Esteem After Divorce

By Tracy Achen 

Divorce has a way of shaking you to the core and your self esteem usually takes a beating in the process. It can change of how you think of yourself and who you are moving forward. You may even find yourself wondering if you’re good enough, attractive enough, or capable enough to start over.

To help rebuild your self-confidence, you first need to focus on your attitude. Attitude is simply a state of mind. 

While it won't happen overnight, you can begin to feel better about yourself and life in general by focusing on the positive things in your life. Here are a few tips to help you get started.

Affirming What's Good 

When your self-confidence is in the dumps, it's easy to beat yourself up and think of yourself as a failure. But what you think about the most shapes your reality, your behavior, and ultimately your destiny. That's why it's important to replace all those self-defeating thoughts with affirmations of the person you want to be.

Make a list of all the things that you are good at, recount your past successes, and remember what people have said about you that makes your self esteem soar. Use words like "happy, strong, smart, resilient, ambitious" or whatever image that you would like to see yourself as. Write it all down.

Keep your list handy and add to it as inspiration strikes. Then take the time to review your list when you're feeling down, using it as a reminder that you have a lot going for you.

Remember... "As you think, so shall you be". 

Using Self Esteem Building Statements

Along these same lines, replace your negative inner dialog of words such as "I can’t do it" or "I’m just no good" with self esteem building statements like "I can do it", "I am successful", or "I have what it takes".

It may feel funny at first, but if you make these affirmations every morning to yourself, your mind will start to focus on them and start believing them to be true.

Letting Go Of The Past

In simple terms - divorce hurts. But you're not dead and you're only wasting time thinking about or rehashing the past. What happened previously is in your rear-view mirror and can’t be changed. You have the rest of your life to be happy and content with who you are right now.

It also helps to put past mistakes into perspective. Since you can't change the outcome, try to see it as a learning exercise. Make any amends that you need to and then vow to handle things differently in the future. 

Letting Go of Perfection

Don't worry about what other people think. A spotless house, perfect kids, or pushing for a job promotion may be too much for you right now. By thinking that you need to do everything perfectly, you end up with a list of imagined "should haves" and "musts" in order to meet your vision of perfection. And your confidence ends up taking a beating as a result.

Instead, decide what things are fine just the way they are and quit worrying about them. Whatever you decide to change should be because you "want to" or "choose to". By allowing yourself the option to not be perfect, your self-confidence grows as you accept the true you. 

Focus on What You Can Change

You can't change the past, so it's time to focus your attention on the present. If there is something that you would like to change, stop procrastinating, and do something about it. Worrying and rehashing your troubles all the time just brings you down.

Decide what needs to change and break it down into small chunks. Daily manageable goals that you can accomplish will give you a sense of purpose, a continuous feeling of success, and improved self-confidence. You can see yourself moving in a positive direction and won't get overwhelmed.

Surround Yourself with Supportive People

All the chaos of divorce can cause some women to withdraw socially. But it's a good idea to spend time with supportive friends. They can boost your mood and give you a different perspective on your situation. True friends have a way of seeing the best side of you. When they give you a compliment, believe them.

In return, don't be afraid to compliment or do something nice for someone else. Doing for others can boost your self-esteem by focusing outside yourself, knowing that you brought happiness to someone else.

And don't let your confidence take a hit just because the boss snaps at you or an acquaintance blows you off. Realize that other people have bad days, and let it go. Choose to focus on what is positive in your life. 

Looking Ahead 

Most of all, realize that you have choices in life. You can choose to be content with who you are now. Your inner peace, self-image, and confidence in who you are determine your success, not what others think about you. Remember that you are a worthwhile person just as you are.

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More articles of interest...

• Healing Your Heart
• Stress Management
• Anger Management
• Finding Happiness after Divorce
• Divorcing Doesn't Make You a Failure