When Your Child Chooses To Change Custody

By WomansDivorce Editor | Answer by Gloria Swardenski, Life Coach 

How do you cope when your child chooses to change custody or tells you they want to live with your ex? This is a heart wrenching experience that many parents face at some point after their divorce. Whether it’s a quiet request or an emotional outburst, hearing those words as a divorced mom can break your heart.

You may be left wondering "Why now?", "What did I miss?", and probably "What are my rights?" This guide is here to help you navigate this difficult situation. From understanding how courts handle custody preferences to protecting your legal standing and emotional well-being, here’s what every divorced mom must know when facing a potential custody change initiated by her child.

Reasons Why Children Want to Live with the Other Parent

There are many reasons for a child to want to change custody, but the most common is they miss being with their other parent on a regular basis. After all, your child was used to living with both parents before you got divorced.

Another reason could be they want more day-to-day interaction with the parent of the same gender. For example, boys wanting to live with their father or girls wanting to live with their mother. I experienced this sort of thing and it can be heartbreaking and feels like a rejection, especially if you’ve done everything to make sure nothing is lacking in their lives.

As children get older, they become more adept a reading which is the laxer parent when it comes to rules and discipline. This often leads to children asking to move in with the other parent, thinking life will be so much easier if they aren’t being nagged all the time. Unfortunately, the new usually wears off, and it’s not nearly as fun at the other parent’s as they once imagined.

Even the remarriage of one parent can affect where a child wants to live. After all, a new marriage and possible blended family tends to change the family dynamics a child has become accustomed to. And some children totally resent a step-parent who seems to be taking so much of their parent’s time and attention. They can feel pushed aside and envision how much better it would be at the other parent’s house.

Unfortunately, there are also situations in which the non-custodial parent tries to influence their child to move in with them. They could become a Disneyland parent where every day is an adventure, all requests are granted, they can eat whatever they want, and there are no bed-times. In other words, there are no rules. This is a form of emotional manipulation and can be very hard to fight.

Can a Child Legally Choose Which Parent to Live With?

When your child says they want to change custody, you may wonder if they even have the legal right to decide. The answer is that it depends on where you live and how old your child is.

In most states, a child cannot make the final decision about custody, no matter how old they are. Instead, the court may consider the child’s preference as one factor among many when deciding what’s in their best interest. That means their voice matters - but it doesn’t carry all the weight. For example:

• In California, children 14 and older can express a preference, and courts must listen - unless it’s not in the child’s best interest. 
• In Texas, kids 12 and up can speak with the judge in chambers, but the judge is the one who ultimately makes the decision. 
• In Florida, there’s no set age, but a mature and well-reasoned preference may be considered in custody modifications.

Every state handles the child’s preferences regarding custody differently, so it’s important to understand how your local courts approach these cases. This is why it’s a good idea to consult with a family lawyer immediately to find out what your options are. 

How Judges Weigh a Child’s Preference

Even when a child expresses a desire to live with the other parent, judges will evaluate that request with caution. Here’s what they typically look for:

• Maturity: Is the child old enough to form a reasoned opinion, or are they being influenced by emotion or manipulation? 
• Reasons for the Change: Is the request based on valid concerns (e.g., feeling unsafe or wanting to be closer to school), or trivial reasons (e.g., fewer chores)? 
• Parental Influence: Is one parent encouraging the child to choose them by offering bribes, gifts, or making the other parent seem "bad"? 
• Stability & Routine: Courts aim to avoid unnecessary disruption, especially during the school year or developmental milestones.

Protecting Your Legal Rights if Your Child Wants to Change Custody

Being proactive is important when there is the possibility of a change in child custody. As a divorced mom, you’ve already been through the family court system once. If your child is serious about living with your ex, now is the time to take steps to make sure your relationship with your child is protected.

First of all, don’t wait for court papers to act if you truly believe your child wants to change the custody arrangements. Even if your ex hasn’t filed for a custody change yet, you need to take your child’s request seriously. Judges tend to favor stability and consistency, so the more time your child spends at your ex’s house (even unofficially), the more that situation can be used to argue for a formal change in custody.

If you want to retain primary custody, you’ll need to prove to the judge that you provide the best environment for your child. Start gathering documents that demonstrate your fitness as a parent and how your child benefits by living with you. This may include:

• Evidence of a stable home environment (photos, routines, involvement in extracurriculars) 
• School attendance and performance records 
• Medical or therapy records (if applicable) 
• Notes on custody exchanges or co-parent communication 
• Witnesses who can speak to your parenting (teachers, coaches, counselors) 

You want to show that you’re an involved parent and your child benefits from living with you. It's also important document any concerning behavior by your ex (e.g., coaching your child to switch custody, neglecting your child, or having an unstable living situation) and share it with your attorney.

When your day-to-day relationship with your child is challenged, it’s not just about defending a custody order. It’s about protecting your bond and ensuring your child’s best interests are truly protected. Stay informed, stay calm, and make sure you have a lawyer to protect your rights. 

How to Cope When You Child Chooses to Change Custody

First of all, don’t panic. No decisions need to be made immediately. Before you make any life-changing decisions, it’s important to have a heart-to-heart talk with your child and hear their reasons for wanting to change custody. You want to respond to their concerns with compassion, but don’t give in to guilt trips and emotional manipulation.

Also, don't be surprised by how you react emotionally. Even if you’ve done everything "right" as a mother, hearing your child say they want to live with the other parent can feel like rejection and failure. First of all, acknowledge that you’re not a bad mom just because your child wants to change custody. Their wanting to spend more time with your ex may be a phase they’re going through, not a final judgment of your parenting. So, try not to personalize something that may not be about you.

And realize that it’s okay to feel hurt. To feel angry, blindsided, or betrayed. These are natural emotions when your role as the primary caregiver feels threatened. You can journal about your raw emotions privately so you don’t unload them on your child or the other parent. It helps release pain without causing further damage.

It can be tempting to emotionally withdraw when you feel rejected. But your child still needs you, even if they don’t know how to show it. Continue to show your love and let your child know that they can always talk to you about anything. Most importantly, avoid lashing out emotionally or laying a guilt trip on them. Emotional consistency is your superpower, especially in times of uncertainty.

Here are some additional suggestions from the life coach on how to handle the transition when your child chooses to change custody and live with the other parent…

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Gina's Dilemma: We've been divorced for 10 years and have shared equal time and custody of our children (two boys - current ages 12 and 15) for the last 9 nine years.

He remarried about 7 years ago and his wife has almost completely assumed all responsibility over the kids when they are at his house, shopping for them, taking them to the doctor and to and from friend's houses, being team mom on the ball teams, etc.

Understandably, they have grown very close to their step-mother, especially my oldest one. This past February, he told me that he no longer wanted to live with me. He is 15 and I have no legal means to stop him. My ex-husband and his wife refuse to insist that the custody arrangement stay as it has been and are allowing him to make this decision. I have only seen him a handful of times in the last 3 1/2 months. I asked him if we wanted to go to the mountains with my sister and her kids (nearly same age as him) and myself and his brother this month. He doesn't want to go. I have no way to make him go and know that I probably would not enjoy the trip if he does go because his attitude will be so bad.

I feel I am completely losing my son. My ex-husband is too busy to talk to me. I've been trying for several weeks to meet with him. I am so worried and because of that, even the few times I have to share with my son are strained. I am desperate for help.

Gloria's Answer: As I was reading your story, I couldn't help but completely relate to you. I too had a 16 year old who chose to live with his Dad and I hardly saw him. The times that he did come to visit were filled with attitude and were strained, as you said.

Here's something that I've had to challenge myself with, and I will pass this on to you and the others who have children old enough to choose.

There comes a time in every child's life that a Mom has to let go. We convince ourselves that that time shouldn't come until they are 18 and off to college, and even then it may be hard to cut the apron strings. But for those of us with divided families, sometimes our time comes sooner. We have to learn to let go and accept that his Dad loves him, his step-mother truly cares about him, and that in time (as they move through the teenage years and into adulthood), they will return again to us again in a new and healthy way.

Trust that your son will always know who Mom is. Trust that you've raised him up to this point as best as you can. And trust that he while he will make mistakes, he'll learn from them and become a healthy, whole adult with many people in his life who love him. In every way you can, let him know you love him, and you're there if he needs you. From there, accept his decision, and enjoy the time you have with your younger son who still needs you more than ever!

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You can’t control your child’s feelings or your ex’s actions. But you can control how you respond and how you prepare yourself for the process. You can also reach out to your friends or support system to keep you grounded and see the bigger picture.

Also see:

• More answers from the Life Coach
• When Your Child Wants to Live with Your Ex
• Dealing with Children and Parent Separation
• When You're the Non-custodial Parent