Avoiding Uncooperative Co-Parenting

Are you guilty of uncooperative co-parenting? You might be if you are standing in the way of your ex's relationship with your kids. I know how tempting it is, especially if your ex was a jerk during the marriage.

No matter what, your children deserve the love and attention of both parents. But if you're harboring hurt feelings and ill-will towards your ex, it can make co-parenting difficult. Here are 7 ways you might be sabotaging your co-parenting relationship with your ex. 

1. You don’t respond to messages or return calls from your ex. 
2. You don’t tell the other parent about your child’s special events. 
3. You talk bad about the other parent in front of your child. 
4. You schedule activities for you child during your ex's parenting time. 
5. You make it difficult for your ex to talk to your child on the phone. 
6. You make decisions as an individual instead of as a team. 
7. You expose your child to conflict between you and your ex. 
   

Even if you've done a few of these things, there is still a chance to build a co-parenting relationship with your ex. 

The following article offers insight into why a parent might work against the efforts of the other parent. There are also tips and FAQs on what you can do to be a better co-parent as you move forward.

Table of Contents:

• Uncooperative Co-Parenting: The Fight to be Right 
• When pain replaces logic 
• You want revenge 
• You limit yourself when you try to hurt your ex 
• It's never too late to change 
• 5 steps to forgiving your ex 
• FAQs about uncooperative co-parenting 

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Uncooperative Co-Parenting: The Fight to be Right

by Kim B. Miller - author of "How to Love Your Kids More Than You Hate That Man"

As women, we tend to deal with a lot of different emotions when a relationship ends. Men do as well, but women normally internalize things more than men do. We'll spend hours rethinking every move we've made. We second guess decisions that were sound at the time but now seem questionable. We question the sincerity of everything. Add massive issues like infidelity, lies and arguments and you have a very volatile situation.

Now, let's further complicate the issue and add children to the mix. This really adds a unique dimension to the break up. You have to focus on their needs. You can't ignore their difficulties, and that complicates how you handle your own grief. Sometimes we put our feelings to the side to help our kids deal with their struggles. You can't lecture that things are going to get better if you have been crying hysterically in front of them all day. They look to us parents for guidance on how they should handle it, not just the words we say but our actions too. 

When pain replaces logic

Moms let me talk to you for a moment: You know how we can get when we're upset. There is very little thinking taking place. Pain replaces logic, and we get immersed in what could have been. We can be inconsolable.

Sometimes you look at your ex and in your eyes he is living his life. He even looks happy. "How dare he look like that", you say to yourself, not realizing he is just pretending to look okay.

Eventually you figure out that there is a way to get through to him, a way that he cannot avoid. You throw everything you know that is good, right and Godly out the window. 

You want revenge

You want him to feel the pain that you are feeling. He calls to speak to the kids and you are "on the other line" and he has to call them back. You were not on the other line and before he calls back you turn the ringer off. He comes to visit the kids and you are not home. You "forgot" he was coming. Some of you have stooped even lower and told complete lies like: "Daddy doesn't want to see you, I tried or daddy is more interested in seeing his new girlfriend so he does not have time for you".

Dads you have not been saints either. You use just as many "tricks" when you are the custodial parent living with pain.

The custodial parent has an internal dialogue going on. They have found a way to justify everything they are doing. They've even convinced themselves that the other parent doesn't even deserve to see their child.

Is this you? Am I describing you? You know if I am, search your heart. If I am describing you, please listen closely. There is a major problem with your logic.

Another foreseeable problem is...

You limit yourself when you try to hurt your ex

How? Revenge is a lot of work. It's almost impossible to prosper while you're being spiteful. It's time consuming to play the "I can out do you" game. You waste a lot of time plotting and you are not fun to be around either.

You know what I mean. The kids can't mention the other parent without you going "off". How are they supposed to feel? This is someone that they look up to, and aspire to be like and you are speaking badly of them. Remember kids emulate their parents. If you put down one of their heroes, in their eyes you are putting them down too.

I was like you once, happily in love and my marriage ended due to his cheating. I had 2 young children when I found out about the "third" affair. I was furious at him. I had enough and I left, but he was always welcome to see the kids, after all they did not do anything wrong. Did I want to see him at times? No, but they did. It wasn't easy, I prayed a lot, but it was the right thing to do for all of us, especially them.

Here's a video that highlights why you need to focus on the kids when you get divorced. 

It's never too late to change.

I know you feel that you are not over the break up yet and forgiving the other parent makes it seem like they are "off the hook" for all they did, but that is not what this is about. Forgiving is not excusing what they did. Forgiving is freeing you. You will be free to live your life and make decisions based on growth. Nothing will change until you decide to let go of the pain that is holding you back. If the other person is a fit parent, then they have the right to interact with their child.

Despite all of this negativity you are not hopeless because you can change this. Parents are inherently strong willed people who are used to being resilient. This is an obstacle and you can overcome it. Demonstrate to your kids that when you make a mistake you accept your responsibilities and do everything needed to make it right.

Apologize to everyone involved including you and start over. Forgive yourself; don't keep looking back at all the time you wasted. Call you ex and work on a visitation plan that is fair and starts immediately.

It's never too late to change. Don't let shame and embarrassment hold you back. Walk past that to your victory. He was right; he's not the only one. I want you to join us so we can work on changing the world one family at a time. 

He was right; he's not the only one. I want you to join us so we can work on changing the world one family at a time. 

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5 Steps to Forgiving Your Ex for Your Kid's Sake

The last thing you may want to do is forgive your ex, especially if you were cheated on, abused, or treated like yesterday’s trash. But the act of forgiving allows you the freedom to move forward, without carrying the weight of feeling like a victim. Now, forgiveness doesn’t mean that you excuse your ex’s behavior. It means letting go of the past so it no longer controls you. Here’s how to get started: 

1. Accept the Divorce. You need to acknowledge that the marriage has really ended. It hurts, but acceptance is the first step toward forgiveness. Recognizing the reality of your divorce is essential for moving forward. Don’t get stuck in the past. 
   
   
2. Forgive yourself for your part in ending the marriage. This one is really hard for someone who has been blind-sided by their ex wanting a divorce. It is worth considering how you might have contributed to the divorce. Were there warning signs you chose to ignore? Maybe it was simply deciding to stay even though you knew the marriage wasn’t working. By forgiving yourself first, forgiving your ex becomes much easier. 
   
   
3. Choose to let go of the anger, hurt, and resentment. Don’t let these emotions control you anymore because they don’t serve a positive purpose in your life. When you start to rehash all the horrible things your ex did, mentally shift your perspective to all you have to be thankful for. If you can’t do that, get these negative emotions out by journaling how you feel. But let it go afterwards. It takes time and it’s a process. 
   
   
4. Practice empathy (without excusing behavior). Try to see your ex as a flawed human being rather than just the source of your pain. Recognizing his limitations can help you let go of bitterness, even if you don’t condone what he did. Maybe he was abused as a child, or became addicted to drugs or alcohol, which led to his horrible behavior. This understanding doesn’t absolve your ex’s behavior, but it helps put it in perspective. 
   
   
5. Forgive your ex for his or her part in ending the marriage. This isn’t excusing the behavior, but acknowledging that his or her actions hurt you and you're now letting go of the hurt. You don’t even have to do this in person if you don’t want to. You might simply write a letter forgiving your ex for the pain you endured because of his actions. And you can choose whether to send the letter or not.

When you are able to forgive someone, you’re not doing it for their benefit. You’re doing it for your own good. Ultimately, forgiving your ex empowers you to focus on your future and your children's well-being.

FAQs about Uncooperative Co-Parenting

To help you get past any uncooperative co-parenting tendencies, the following articles offer advice to help you work together with your ex for your kids benefit:

• Co-parenting with a Difficult Ex
• Establishing Co-Parenting Communication Boundaries 
  
• Divorced Parenting Tips
• Improving Your Co- Parenting Relationship