He says texting and talking on the phone isn't cheating
So my husband and I have been married for 9 years. Last year on our anniversary I got an inbox message from a guy. It read that my husband had been talking and texting and receiving racy photos from his finance. They work at the same company. Then the man called me like 20 minutes later to tell me sorry he had the wrong guy.
It seemed very fishy to me so I started looking into it. My husband, by the way, was telling me for the 3 months after I found out that he never talked to her .
So come to find out, I found her number all over our phone records and he finally admitted one night that he did text and talk to her on the phone but that was it, he never slept with her. So he says in his eyes he didn't cheat. He had said so many promising things to me when we married and broke all of them so far.
I have become disabled since we got married. I have tons have health issues now. I still try to do my best to be a good wife, mother and grandmother. I just can't seem to get past the fact he doesn't believe he cheated. I think if he doesn't think that was cheating he will do it again. Am I wrong… do you think it is cheating? I clean the best I can, do his laundry, cook dinners, and get our youngest on and off the bus every day. I go to all out sons sports games.
I just don't understand.
by: Shell L
I am saving this thread for future when I have more time to thoroughly read each & every single woman's personal experiences responded. I simply googled "my boyfriend admitted he's been texting another woman but refuses to let me see the messages". And I stumbled upon this feed... I wrote so much I was over the limit, with that being said much is left out & this is unedited. Just had to get some words out I guess.
It saddens me so much that regardless of age, history, level of intimacy & closeness of relationship, men continue to do such stupid things. It's maddening to me, especially being the mom of two sons. I have proudly raised them as a single mom for a reason. I have always been & will always remain to keep the end in mind... to raise them to become better men than so many other men out there. It's sad to me that many men (women too) have so many deep seeded childhood anger & hurts that were swept under the rug so far away that they have remained undealt with & most often will never be dealt with.
I can only ask why? I can only come up with one answer: because it hurts too much to revisit & get to the root of everything, it's like going through the painful experiences again & hurting all over. So most choose to keep pushing those feelings away, pretending they don't exist, going on with life pretending they are being true to themselves & showing the world who they truly are. I get so upset by seeing clearly the truth behind so many people, of ALL ages. No thank you, I wasn't born to be that way.
I'm a freak mom with my boys because I refuse to hold unreasonable expectations upon them as they grow into young men contributing to society. What I mean by that is too many boys are taught at a young age to not talk about their feelings, to be tough - never sad, defeated, disappointed, or show any sign of vulnerabilities or weaknesses at all, because they are MEN-tough, strong, kings, unbreakable, resilient, fighters, hunters, etc...
Guess what happens when children are taught the stereotypical strong man never weak stuff? They grow into boys, into young men, into grown men who have "feelings" all along but have been so conditioned & programmed to not pay attention to anything such as an actual "feeling" for fear they will be perceived as less of a man, or a weak man, or a mess of a man, etc....
My personal thoughts? Not that anybody asked, I'll share them anyway. Men who don't face there inner hurts & demons, from either present or past, THEY ARE WEAK. If they were strong, your dam right they would put in the work it takes to face it all, figure it out, understand why or how they had an underlying feeling of not good enough, not manly enough, not capable enough, whatever feeling they could get in touch with at the deepest root of their core souls, etc. It takes a bit of thinking, analyzing, understanding, studying, researching, & digging deep into the history of one’s childhood (which is a lot of work for sure, most men think a waste of time, but they are SO WRONG). It's a lot of work & VERY EMOTIONAL as bits & pieces of one’s own personal history begin to piece themselves together as they complete the big picture of the puzzle little by little. It may be viewed as a waste of time by many, to each his own.
Personally I feel it is a waste of time to simply exist on this earth, going through the motions, having questions but never asking, blowing them off & just keeping on moving through your days, day after day; because that's what "normal" people do.... whoever said what normal is? There is no normal, it only appears there is from the masks which so many wear for the world every single day....
A real man will be strong enough to take on the challenge of going back in time & re living some of his most impressionable memories he holds in a safe deep inside of him, locked away, where in his mind it all belongs. Sometimes though men can go to that place, in that glimpse of a moment, he feels, he talks, but only for so long before he feels uncomfortable & completely throws all of it back into the safe, slams the door, & locks it shut for another unknown but very long period of time. "Nope, can't talk about that or feel that because I'm a tough guy & none of that can get me or bother me now. Moving on, it doesn't matter. Let's watch some football & have a drink! Then maybe another, or two, or 3,4,5,6, hell lets have 12! Or better yet, how about a shot of whiskey?! Nah, skip all that, how about just a quart of whiskey on the rocks? Yes that's the best, can't wait, cheers!"
So that man drinks his feelings far away, he'd drink them further away if it were possible. Sad truth is no amount of alcohol, whiskey, drugs, food, or addictions of any other kinds period, can EVER offer any solid or permanent escape from what they don't want to feel.
This is why I take my parenting job of these two boys so seriously. I haven't been able to find a good man not even once in my life, disappointment after disappointment. I have a duty to raise my sons right; they won't be perfect, but they sure as hell will know how to treat a lady. They will be comfortable in their own skin because I have taught them they are perfectly imperfect just the way they are. I have taught them not to compare themselves to others, not to care when others speak negatively of them for no reason at all (let's face it, those who bully like that are deep down insecure & clearly don't love themselves); I have taught them & will continue to teach them many more things, but most importantly I have taught them self-acceptance & love. When you love yourself, you see yourself & care for yourself with loving hands, you extend your love to others then, all (well most of all) those whom you come in contact with throughout your days.
I guess my biggest frustration is that if MEN (can they even be called that anymore) loved & accepted themselves, they would be the ultimate warriors because of the self-work it takes. I'm sorry they didn't have better mothers & fathers to teach them better; but honestly their parents probably didn't teach lessons that were never learned & you can keep going so far back in time, it's not necessarily anybody's fault. But it is people's fault to not take accountability & to understand they can teach themselves enough to learn that ultimately they have the power within their lives. The power to learn themselves, understand themselves, make peace with themselves, love themselves, forgive those who may have hurt them the most by understanding they may have been taught even less than others before, forgive those who don't seem to know any better because they weren't shown or supported or encouraged to learn much of anything for themselves....
"Everybody is born innocently, regardless of how they came to become a fetus, they are born as innocent beings into a huge world they know nothing about. They don't have opinions, judgements, self hate, regrets, or even values. They know nothing besides they need food & sleep & love. Hopefully they are blessed to get at least those three things. The rest is learned, shaped into their worlds. They learn what they are taught, many are taught they can do better & be better. This is true, but to a child's mind, they are hearing they aren't good enough. Every time they are compared to either siblings or peers, the message grows stronger inside of them. Repeated in the background on a daily basis. They haven't been taught to control those thoughts (most of them not anyway) so the seeds are planted & grown with more words & opinions of the adults in their world. They don't know any better than to listen to their mother & father. Often kids aren't even comfortable asking questions as to why this or why that, they have been conditioned to accept without question. Do as you're told, or you'll be in trouble. Which only reinforces they are not good, they are bad. Such a vicious cycle, a sad one to see for sure."
Wrapping up now, finally I know, trust me I know... I am thankful for this thread, I am saddened however. I just don't think I have fallen in love with & given all my love to the right man for me, yet again. I have decided to take an oath to myself & god that I will not fall in love or give my sacred love to any man for A VERY LONG TIME, maybe never again. But I am ok with that, I am ready to start living my life alone & excited to think I don't have to worry about any other man spreading his unmanaged toxic demons into my life. I feel free to think I no longer have to worry about it. Truth is ladies (another thing I've learned, hard to accept but it’s true) ----
IF A MAN TRULY LOVES YOU, HE WILL DO ANYTHING IN ORDER TO BECOME YOUR EVERYTHING. HE WILL SUPPORT YOU, ENCOURAGE YOU ALWAYS, HE WILL BELIEVE IN YOU, HE WILL NOT DOUBT YOUR INTENTIONS OR INTEGRITY. HE WILL REALIZE THE VALUE OF YOUR PRECIOUS PRESENCE HERE ON EARTH, HE WILL HAVE UTMOST RESPECT FOR YOU & WOULD NOT DARE EVEN DREAM OF JEOPARDIZING YOUR LOVE THAT YOU SHARE.
We've been together since 9th grade and have been married for almost 2 years. He’s my everything and I don’t know who I am without him. When we first got married I found out he was texting other girls and I told him to stop. He did for a couple months or so and then started back. He's texted girls off and on for almost 2 years. And I keep having the same argument with him. Recently he was talking to a girl I had told him to stop talking to, and told me I was controlling who he talks to... I finally told him I can't go on like this anymore, it hurts me and if it happens again I'm done. And that if he loved me he would stop cheating... He told me that if I loved him I would stay. I don't know what to do because I love him so much, but I don't think he loves me the same way....
I feel heartbroken
My daughter found texts from another woman in my husband’s phone, things like I need to be careful as I'm texting. She calls him sexy legs. Then he says he loves her and his next message says a bit more. He then asked to see her lady parts and she texts back "would you really want to". I found out 2 days before our 25th anniversary, which I was really looking forward to and felt so proud that we were still in love.
I've been working towards a university degree and haven't been giving him much attention, but he said it's not my fault. He was extremely drunk but admitted texting her for a few weeks. Swore that nothing physical happened (which I believe, plus her response sort of said nothing physical had happened). I asked him if he loved me and he said he does and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He said it started as just 2 work colleagues having banter but it went too far. He can't explain why and said they both knew nothing would've ever happened.
I am so hurt. I have idolized him and used to say with confidence that I knew 100% he wouldn't cheat. I am so hurt that I can't stop crying and it's constantly occupying my mind. We have been really close since and he promised he wouldn't stay with me through loyalty and that he would tell me if he stopped loving me. But even though our love life has improved and we're spending more time together, I have a gut feeling that he doesn't love me. Is this paranoia or should I listen to my gut. I don't think I could face life without him but can't live a lie.
by: Heartbroken Newlywed
I just found out my fiancé of almost 4 years started texting another girl two weeks before our wedding. He has been texting and having lunch with her up until this day and I just found out. He said I never show him enough affection and he didn't want to hurt my feelings before the wedding. I feel heartbroken and don't know what to do. I said I would work with him on our marriage but it's only been 2 weeks. Should I continue to try and work on it?
Found my husband texting someone
My husband and I were only dating for 5 months before we got married. Before we got married, he would text women and would ask when was their first time, what are you wearing and other suggestive stuff. I thought it stopped, but right after we got married in September of last year (on our honeymoon at that) he was doing it again and he says it was because we were fighting.
I had to go back home in November and we had gotten into a fight over the phone. Apparently he had went out, bought some beers, went back to the hotel and started sexting another women. The texts said his address for the hotel (NO Room Number though) and it looked like some of her replies were deleted. He says he woke up the next day and saw what he wrote and vowed never to drink again... he never told me. I found it on his phone 3 months later… First he says "I'm sorry it's my fault and it won't happen again" and then he says it was when we were fighting (like blaming me). I love him so much but it's like I am not good enough.
My husband of 5 years has always been loyal and I have always loved the fact I could trust him and not worry. For a while now he kept talking about this girl who is friends with one of our friends. I knew of her from our mutual friend and they all play online video games with each other. My husband is a bit of a nerd (which I don't mind). At first I didn't mind too much, but I got really curious when she started messaging him through Facebook.
Today while he was sleeping in I wanted to see what they talked about so I looked through all of the messages. It hurt so much to see him telling this complete stranger how horrible I am and all the things he's upset about me.
We've been going through a rough time this past year. He got out of the military and financially we have been hurting which is causing problems in our marriage. I never thought he would turn to another woman. There were very flirty conversations between them and it definitely seemed like the beginning of something more...I don't know what to do cause he keeps saying she is just a friend and he hasn't done anything wrong....I'm just heartbroken and he doesn't even see it...
Texting other women after 22 years of marriage
I caught my husband having conversations through Facebook. I confronted him about this and told him I feel betrayed. He promised me he would not do this again. I forgave him. Then I caught him again having conversations with another woman through Facebook. Of course he said it didn't not mean anything... I am confused. I am so angry and feel betrayed. It seems like I can't trust him anymore.
Thank you for sharing your stories. I too caught my husband of fifteen years texting other women. I was heartbroken and destroyed. I felt so depressed and ashamed. I was literally broken. He promised me that nothing happened and he would never do that again.
Three weeks later I caught him texting the neighbor who is single and who happens to have a child that is great friends with our kids. This time I just can't forgive him. I’m so hurt. Apparently I'm the joke of the neighborhood. Should I just divorce him?
You were lucky.
Sounds like my story only it happened after 17 years of marriage and she was one year older than my daughter. Heart shattered into a million pieces.
I have just found out that my husband of 23 years has been messaging and what’s-upping a previous work colleague. I know that he has not done anything physically and when I confronted him, he apologized and said that he knew some of the conversations were wrong, but he saw it as how he normally banters with the boys. She was going through a hard time with her husband, but they were talking of deleting stuff!! And I was really upset this happened last week and I am really struggling with it all.
I do believe him that he won't contact her again and he is normally a loving kind husband to me. I was so shocked that he would even do this. I cannot talk to anyone about it as I do not want anyone to know. I have not been to work for a couple of days and just keep crying. I love him so much and I know that he loves me.
I feel for everyone posting essentially the same thing- that our husbands have been texting other women. I figured out something was off when I realized he was constantly texting where I wouldn't see him. I know for sure he's been texting an old crush from high school, telling her our marriage was terrible, I'm awful, etc. I felt destroyed, betrayed and heartbroken. Had to still live in the same house for a while and it broke my heart every time I looked at him.
But after only a few months I no longer feel the pain, I look at him and think about how easy it was for him to lie to my face and be disloyal. Early on in this traumatic time I started working out and trying to look good in order to help my battered self-esteem. Not being able to eat or sleep for weeks helped to lose weight, lol. I have lots more confidence now than I did a few months ago. I've been getting out more and planning a new future for myself after twenty six years together. I realize now that he is just a self-centered selfish jerk and he can't hurt me anymore. I am free. :)
If you have a hunch... you’re probably right!
Ladies, stop driving yourself crazy. I know it hurts. My husband recently was found texting an old acquaintance of mine. He added her from my Facebook friends list. We were fighting and all his messages were either bashing me, or telling her "let’s run away to Hawaii together!" He asked if he could go out with some guys from AA. I had a BAD feeling, had no idea about the girl ... but still knew something was wrong.
I checked his phone as he slept thru the morning after his late night out... and no guys from AA. My "friend" drove an hour to meet him at Dave n Busters all night. And previous texts indicate they had it planned all week. Meanwhile, the VERY day before, he was going to counseling for his anger and depression, then setting us up for marriage counseling.
Like HOW do you to tell me you want this to work, then you pull this?! He’s being apologetic and did block her and I demanded she block him as well. It seems like he’s sorry... but I caught him last year texting other women too. All his texts were bashing me and flirting with them, telling them "Sweet dreams, you’re such an amazing person, text me in the morning :) "
Of course I get the typical guy excuse: "It wasn’t flirting! We were just friends!" IS NOT JUST FRIENDS, YOU IDIOT. I want to puke all over him. I’ve been sobbing every day for weeks. He seems like he’s trying to make it better but I know deep down, they never do.
I cry and feel broken every day and he scolds me for not trying to make this work. Are you f***ing kidding me!?!?!
Plus his anger problems, violent behavior, holding guns to his head in my face screaming he’s going to kill himself, physical fights, locking me out of the house, screaming inappropriate things loud enough for my 5 year old to overhear.... I can’t take it.
Younger girl he was being a good friend to. Lol
I've been with husband since I was fifteen years old. I had two children right out of High School and was a full time mom that worked night hours when my husband came home... As far back as I remember, my husband was chasing or flirting with other girls. He always told me I was starting a fight or crazy. Fast forward twenty nine years and many more lies and humiliation later – I picked up his phone, opened it and saw he was carrying on with a thirty year old woman... He denied it as usual. I called her and she said I had it wrong, that he was like a father figure to her. Lol. The text said otherwise. Wish me luck everyone - I’m seeing a lawyer on Tuesday.