Adjusting to a new step grandparent can be challenging for children that have gone through a divorce. All of the sudden, they are expected to be nice to a virtual stranger and build a relationship with them. The following article can give you some tips on handling this new stage in their lives.
By Brette Sember
When you remarry, your child not only has a stepparent and possibly stepsiblings, but he or she suddenly has step grandparents as well. The impact of the step grandparent varies, depending on your family situation. But no matter how you slice it, step grandparents add yet another layer to an already complicated family.
Stepgrandparents and Stepsiblings
If your new spouse has children, the situation between your child and the step grandparent is likely to be a bit confusing. The stepsiblings in your home already have a strong bond with the grandparents, as well as established rituals involving birthdays and holidays. Yet your child is a virtual stranger to this person and the dichotomy is certain to be apparent.
It can be difficult for one child in the home to watch other children in the home open gifts from a grandparent-type person and not get any himself. It can also be hard to watch stepsiblings head off on outings and be left behind. This is exacerbated if your child doesn't spend as much time with his or her grandparents or doesn't have a relationship that is as involved.
The first thing you must do is be very clear with your child about the roles of the different adults. Your child probably already has grandparents of her own, so make sure she is clear on this. Help her to understand that the step-grandparents are people who may become special in her life, but are not as directly tied to her.
Suggest to all the grandparents involved that they reach out to the grandchildren they are not related to. This does not mean that they treat all children equally, but it should mean they eventually develop some kind of caring relationship with all of them. Do not pressure grandparents to take all of the children at once or expect they will suddenly treat them all equally. If they are to have a relationship with the step grandchildren, it must develop gradually.
Stepgrandparents without Stepsiblings
If you remarry and your spouse has no children, the relationship with the grandparents may not be so glaringly difficult for your child, but it is bound to be confusing. Let adults and children get to know each other gradually.
If the step-grandparents have no other grandchildren, this could be a difficult thing for them to get used to as well. Talk a bit with them about how they feel about everything and what their expectations are. It will be up to you, the parent, to help them understand the child's developmental stage and reactions.
It is important that all grandparents have different names and that a child is not asked or required to call a step-grandparent by the same name as a true grandparent. Some people are comfortable with the use of first names for step grandparents. For those who are not, come up with different honorary names (such as Nana, Papa, Bubbe and so on) or attach a title to a first name, such as Grandma Jo.
Reassure the existing grandparents that their role is not being usurped and they will continue to have front row seats to watch their grandchild grow. If you are the type of family that has large all-inclusive gatherings, encourage your parents and your spouse's parents to get to know each other and develop a friendship. This is not a grand parenting competition, and is instead one big family that has room for everyone.
The key to making any step situation work is patience. It takes a long time for people to get to know each other, form bonds, and become comfortable. You can't rush it or force it, but you can be understanding as everyone gets used to the new situation.
Even if your children have adjusted to having a new step-grandparent, they may have other issues that they are dealing with, as discussed in the following articles: