Signs of a Cheating Husband

Suspicions of a cheating husband can leave you with a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You feel that something is just not right, but you really can't put your finger on anything specific. While it's a common saying that "if you suspect he's cheating, he probably is", having something more solid to go on helps. The following information can give you clues that your spouse may be straying, as well as tips on how to proceed.

Infidelity: What to Look For, What to Do

by Keith L. Walker, Private Investigator

Suspicion of infidelity is a horrible thing. It can cause insecurity, anxiety, fear, sleeplessness, depression, and can occupy your thoughts and mind all hours of the day and night. You begin to speculate: What did I do to drive him away? Did I love him enough? Did I smother him? Will I ever trust him again? Will our relationship ever be the same? What does the other person have that I don't? After a while your health can suffer and your performance at work can suffer.

I have been a private investigator for over fifteen years and have conducted many domestic investigations, performed many background checks, and many, many hours of surveillance. Throughout the years, I have become sensitive to the "red flags" that may indicative that someone in a relationship was being unfaithful.

Also, please note that I am not an attorney and am not providing legal advice. When in doubt, check with your attorney or other legal advisor - especially in matters regarding your partner's privacy.

Signs of a Cheating Husband

So, let me share with you a number of subtle (and not-so-subtle) clues that you should be aware of, should you suspect that your spouse or partner is being unfaithful. While none of these "red flags" automatically mean you are being deceived, they should be regarded as possible indicators of deceit, to determine if further investigation is warranted.

Usually, the thing that will tip you off is a change in behavior. So, let's look at just a few of the behaviors that you might observe, if your loved one was being unfaithful.

Odd Behavior At Home: 

Your partner or spouse…

  • Appears distant, shows a lack of interest or develops an unexplained aloofness.
  • Is frequently tired or lacks interest in the relationship.
  • Comes home smelling of an unfamiliar fragrance.
  • Wears cologne much more often than usual.
  • Arrives home and heads straight into the shower/bath.
  • Gets dressed up a little too well for trips to the grocery or running some other kind of errand or menial task.
  • Begins to speak more and more harshly to you, or is more sarcastic. Sometimes this is just an attempt to justify their cheating…or to give them an excuse to storm out of the room/house.
  • Asks about your schedule more often than usual.
  • Develops an increased focus on losing weight or pays more attention to their appearance.
  • Stops wearing his wedding ring and when asked, can't give a reasonable explanation

Romance Tip-offs That Something's Wrong:

A cheating husband…

  • Is no longer interested in sex, or he makes excuses for its infrequency.
  • Starts to request kinky or other sexual activity (behavior) that you've never done before. 
  • Shows a "new talent" in the bedroom (that they might have learned from the individual with whom they've been cheating). 
  • Appears reluctant to kiss you, or show affection toward you. 
  • Criticizes you for showing him attention. 
  • Continues giving poor excuses for why he is not in the mood to make love. 

Work-related Signs That He May Be Cheating: 

Your partner or spouse…

  • Works longer hours, more frequently… and keeps you from viewing his paycheck/pay-stubs. 
  • Changes his established routine with no apparent reason. 
  • Begins discouraging you from calling him at work. 
  • Is often "unavailable" when you try to call him at work. 
  • Returns calls long after you leave a message for him. 
  • Prefers to attend work functions (or any events) alone and tries to discourage you from attending. 
  • Takes more trips for business reasons and even refuses to let you drive him to the airport. 

Telephone Mannerisms That Are Different:

Your partner or spouse…

  • Receives "mysterious" phone calls. 
  • You get an increasing number of hang-ups or "wrong numbers" when you pick up the phone. Especially if the caller hangs up after hearing your voice and doesn't speak. Generally when a person dials a "wrong" number, they will at least ask, "Is Fred there?" before hanging up (though not always). 
  • Phone bills that show unexplained long distance calls. 
  • Hurriedly picks up the phone to answer it before you see who's calling. 
  • Leaves the room to talk on the phone. 
  • Whispers while on the phone. 
  • Suddenly discourages you from looking at his cell phone. 
  • Won't give you the password to his phone. 
  • Behaves differently or ends the telephone calls abruptly when you enter the room. Or appears to hang up quickly. 

Paper Trails of a Cheating Husband:

  • Credit card receipts for gifts you didn't receive. 
  • An increase in ATM withdrawals. Especially those from out-of-town (receipts bear a time/date stamp). 
  • Credit card receipts showing purchases from places unknown to you or that seem suspect.
  • He rushes to get the mail before you do.
  • He gets a separate PO Box. 
  • Unusual phone numbers appearing on the bill. 
  • The duration and time of the calls appear excessive. 
  • He is secretive about his cell phone bill. 
  • He starts to pay it himself. 
  • You notice business travel or other deductions for travel or other expenses that you were unaware of. 

Automobile Related Signs That Something is up:

  • The passenger's seat is adjusted differently than you had left it. 
  • Taking the child seat out of the car for no particular reason. 
  • Finding suspicious items like phone numbers, receipts, lipstick, condoms or strange hairs in the vehicle. 
  • Keeping a change of clothes in the trunk. 
  • Unexplainable mileage or a lack of additional mileage. For example, if your husband states that he went out of town yet the odometer indicates that only a distance of 25 miles had been driven. Conversely, if he says that he's only been to the office that day, yet their odometer shows many more miles had been driven, this too may be a significant matter. 

Internet Infidelity Warning Signs:

  • He warily guards access to his computer. 
  • He shuts down the computer as you walk into the room. 
  • He adds password protection his computer. 
  • Or he stays up to "work" on the computer long after you've gone to bed. 
  • He has unusual sites showing in the "browser history", or erases them after each late-night session. 
  • He deletes email message more frequently. 

Again, let me reiterate that these behaviors are only indicators of a cheating husband and are not absolutes. 

The Advanced Cheater:

Some cheating husbands are very deceitful and can cover their tracks superbly. They may become more attentive in an effort to compensate for the fact that their attentions are going elsewhere. They behave like "model" parents in an effort to alleviate their guilt. They can juggle the extra-marital relationship, while tending to the marriage in a seemingly flawless way. They may also have friends that will help them to get out of the house or provide alibis for the cheater. These are the people who are the hardest to catch, and the ones who cause the most pain when they are finally caught.

These are more reasons to consider retaining the services of a professional investigator.

The Power of Observation

If, after some consideration you begin to have suspicions, don't accuse, but just observe.

If you accuse your partner and are mistaken, you risk causing unnecessary and irreparable damage to your relationship…damage that may take a lot of time to recover from. And, even if you are correct, it's quite possible that your spouse will be able to explain his behavior in a manner that's sufficient to cause you raise reasonable doubt. And, because he is now aware that you are suspicions, he will be even more careful and more guarded, making it much more difficult for you to determine the truth.

If you become suspicious, don't treat the cheater any differently and don't interfere. Now is the time for careful observation, and not for anger. The cheater will eventually be found out, so it's important to be patient, observant, and to make note of patterns of behavior.

Keeping Track of His Behavior

After some patient observation you'll probably be able to provide a great deal of helpful information to a professional investigator, so that the investigator can obtain the documentation you need. Information regarding the most likely days/times when your partner may be misbehaving, places your partner alleges to frequent, people with whom your partner alleges to keep company. The more information you have (regardless of whether you think it's important or not), the greater the likelihood an investigator can determine the truth…and do it in the most cost-effective manner.

A final word of caution: If you think a spouse or partner is misbehaving while you're out of town, you may consider pretending to plan a trip out of town, in order to conduct your own surveillance and confirm your suspicions.

You should be discouraged from doing this is because if your suspicions are confirmed, your emotions may cause you to react in a manner that is counter-productive. Emotions can make all us behave in a reactionary way, and at moments like this, it's vitally important to keep a cool head. So, if this idea still appeals to you, consider having a private investigator conduct surveillance during this time.

If and When to Confront a Cheating Husband

What if you're absolutely certain your spouse IS cheating? Once you've observed your spouse or partner for a sufficient amount of time, you may eventually feel that it is necessary to confront him/her your spouse. How do you handle it?

If your intention is to file for divorce if your suspicion is confirmed, then first seek the counsel of an attorney. It is important to understand your options before you decide to confront him/her. Find out about how to protect yourself financially, and get an understanding of the laws regarding child custody and support.

If you feel you absolutely must confront the alleged cheater, make sure to do so at a time when he is not rushed or running late. You want him to have time to speak with you. You don't want him to have a reason to leave the room/house. Don't ask while he is driving and of course: don't ask while children are present.

Gauge His Reactions

Before you actually confront him, ask simple, non-invasive questions to get an idea of his general attitude and willingness to talk in general. You will do this for the same reason that a person operating a polygraph machine might: to establish an idea of their "baseline". So, for example, ask what he wants for breakfast, or what he has planned for the day…or anything else that he can respond to easily. Then just observe his general behavior.

Once you finally confront your husband, you'll need to carefully observe his behavior.

Man with arms crossed wondering how he will answer

You can expect him to be defensive. He may become evasive and reply with something like, "What makes you think that?" (Trying to see where he'd slipped up). Or, he may get indignant and say "Why on earth would you say such a thing?" or "I'm offended that you would say such a thing!"

Often, innocent people will respond directly by saying, "Yes" or "No". They are more likely to respond to your inquiry directly, kindly and patiently. They are more likely to show that they are willing to discuss your concerns and to address those things that caused you to doubt in the first place. Cheaters are generally very uncomfortable about addressing the issue and may "explode" and become very defensive and angry.

When confronting a cheating husband, it may help to inquire about specific occasions when you know for certain what the truth is, so you can see if he is lying. This is where a private investigators documentation and report can come in handy because they can provide undeniable truth that can reveal his lies and deceits.

Finally: Do not resort to violence. I cannot stress this enough. Criminal charges and possible jail time will cause you to suffer and will keep you from making sure the cheater gets what they deserve.

Making Decisions Based On Truth

If your spouse or partner is cheating on you, it forces you into making some very important decisions. The decisions are not only about your own future, but also about your children's future as well.

We make our best decisions when we know the truth and understand the reality of things. So, the first step is always to determine the unbiased, objective truth.

To make sure that you know the truth, consider retaining the services of a professional investigator. They have the experience to deal with these matters objectively and clear-headedly. They also have the equipment necessary to obtain the proof you'll need in case you go to court.

And if you have an attorney, your investigator should work with them to make sure that their combined efforts focus on making sure you reap the maximum benefit. 

Keith L. Walker, the founder and director of Discovery Services Private Investigations, in Springfield Massachusetts. He is a licensed private investigator with over 15 years of experience. Contact him at 413-788-4988. All rights reserved.

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