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The Disneyland Dad: Advice From The Coach
Just what is a Disneyland Dad? Generally, he's a father who
buys his kids whatever they want, taking them out to eat and to all
the fun places in town, rarely enforces regular routines, and gives
in to their every whim. From a child's point of view, it's
like visiting Disneyland. So what's a mother to do, especially
if she's struggling to get by? For some perspective on the
situation, read the following questions and advice from the life coach.
Stephanie's Question: My husband filed for divorce on me several weeks ago. The kids
and I have moved out because he said he was selling the house. But now I'm
paying for everything; rent, daycare, insurance, and half the mortgage on very little income.
I can't afford all the extras anymore. However my husband seems to be doing well
and buys the kids anything and everything. Although I'm happy for the kids how
do I get past being so mad? And do I make the kids understand that I just can't
afford to do the things dad does?
Gloria answers: Hi Stephanie ~
I'm so glad you asked this question because I remember so well going through
this very same thing, and I'm sure many others have faced it, too! For the first
time in a long time or maybe ever, the Mom is now the main provider and has to
pay for so many things alone. Just surviving from day to day is a feat, let
alone all the extras that come with kids. And having to say no to the kids when
inside we know they are hurting, too, (not to mention Dad giving them anything
and everything!) is really a challenge.
A couple of things to encourage and empower you right now. When it comes to
the kids, you don't have to justify or explain to them how you spend your money.
It is fully within your power to make those decisions. When you were married,
you made joint decisions with your husband without the kid's input, and now that
you are on your own, you still have that right only now you have the opportunity
to make smart decisions on your own.
I would challenge you not to put it out to the kids that you can't afford to
do something. Claim your power and say that you are choosing not to spend your
money on that right now without apology. The kids will watch your strength and
will respect your courage, and will learn how to handle money responsibly by
your example. They may not always like it, but so it is with lots of other
things we do as parents, too!
As far as being mad about the situation, make a decision to just let the
anger go. It really doesn't serve you well, and in reality, there is very little
you can do about how your X spends his money now. Instead focus that energy into
taking care of yourself well, learning something new, developing other streams
of income, or developing supportive relationships. While your kids are being
well taken care of (and maybe even spoiled!), do the same for yourself. You
deserve it! »
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There are no rules or discipline at his house.
Shannon's Question: What should I do
about my 7 year old daughter that wants to go to dad's house because
he doesn't require her to do anything? (i.e. no chores, no rules,
nothing that involves discipline or anything that is not fun). She
comes home most times wanting our entire family to pay only
attention to her.
Gloria's Answer: What child wouldn't
want to be in a home where nothing is expected of them, no work or
discipline, and they are completely cherished from the time they
step foot in the house? Can't blame them for wanting it! I'd love
it, too!!
The simplest approach is to talk with your daughter directly to
emphasize the fact that she has 2 homes now with 2 separate sets of
rules. You have no say over what happens at her Dad's, but you have
every say on what happens within your home. Let her know that
because you do require certain things of her, it's not because she
is a work horse or a slave, but because that's what we do in
families, that what we do to get along with one another, and that is
what we do to become responsible adults. And be very careful to
leave Dad completely out of this conversation. He has no room to
judge or criticize YOUR home, so set the example, and don't mention
any of that to your daughter either.
She may not understand that bigger picture yet. That's okay! Hold
it for her, and someday, when she has a real home of her own, she
will. »
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Information about coping with divorce in the "Ask
Gloria" section of this website is for general purposes only,
and not a substitute for professional counseling.
