Should I Stay
Or Should I Go?
Asking "Should I stay or should I go?" is
something many women do when sorting out their feelings about a
relationship that doesn't seem to be working. While indecision
is an uncomfortable state to be in, it also gives you the
opportunity to really examine your life and what is important to
you.
If you're determined to make it work, then check out Save My Marriage Today!
which will give you tips on how to repair your relationship and exercises to help get marriage back on track.
If you're still unsure, the following advice from the life coach may give you
some insight into your own situation, as well as some ways to look
at things from a different angle:
Should I stay for the kids or should I go?
Jennifer's Question: We have been
married for almost 9 years and have a 4 year old son. We have
had a rocky marriage, splitting up and getting back together
constantly. We split up about three years ago, and he went in rehab
for drugs and alcohol (which was the reason we split). After he got
out, he told me he was a new and changed person and wanted to try
again. I took it slow and eventually we got back together again. For
almost 9 months things were GREAT until he started drinking again.
Prior to this, I had told him that it would be over if he ever
touched drugs again, so I stuck to that. After a day of feeling
horrible and discovering I was pregnant I decided to tell him that I
would take him back on the condition that he never touch the stuff
(alcohol or drugs) again. Things were great for a couple of days and
now we just constantly fight. Do I stay because of the kids? Do I
leave because of the kids? I'm so confused and I don't know what to
do, please help. Gloria's Answer: The
main issue here isn't so much whether you go or stay, but are you
prepared to follow through on what you have said and to accept the
fact that there may be times that he stumbles and falls.
My suggestion for you would be to take some time and establish
some healthy boundaries along with clear consequences. We often feel
that the only way out is divorce, but you have experienced that
there are other options. You may say, "If you slip again, it's
back in rehab." You may say, "If you slip again, I'm
leaving for a week for you to get your act together or I'm going to
ask you to leave for a week."
This may take some creativity on your part and lots of support
from family and other support groups, but from the sound of your
note, divorce isn't what you truly want. You really want for him to
stay away from the drugs and alcohol because when he does, you are
happy.
You do have what it takes to get through this, Jennifer. Refuse
to give in on these issues because you and your children deserve the
very best that he is, and you know that he's in there. Lay down the
consequential steps that you are honestly willing to adhere to and
be willing to fight for him. He's got to know that you are serious,
and you've got to believe it, too. » Return to top
Our marriage is good, but
this one issue is tearing us apart.
Kim's Question: I have been married for 15 years and
we have been fighting about the same problem since the day we were married. My
husband does not like to travel, and does not enjoy going anywhere. He is a
homebody. We both work full time jobs. I enjoy doing things occasionally and it
is always a fight to get him to go anywhere with me. If he does go, he ruins it
for me because he is so miserable. I am tired of fighting about this and I feel
I might as well be single if I have to go everywhere myself. I feel I have no
option but to get a divorce. He refuses counseling. Our marriage is fine except
for this problem but it is a huge issue to me. Please help.
Gloria's Answer: I hate to be the bearer of bad
news here, but if you've been married to your husband for 15 years and all this
time he has never really enjoyed traveling, I doubt he is going to change. As
you said, he is a homebody, and he is perfectly happy there.
The problem here though is lying somewhere underneath. What I am
guessing is that you are ready to throw in the towel on your
marriage because he doesn't value this issue like you do, and you
are linking this value to you personally. Are you thinking - If he
loved me, he would want to be with me. If he loved me, he would go
to counseling to fix this. If he loved me, he wouldn't be so
miserable every time. I'm guessing this is the case.
How would you feel if the roles were reversed? He may highly
value working in the garden, but you hate getting your fingernails
dirty. Do you love him less because you don't want to do this
activity?
Let's be honest and real. I understand that you want someone to
travel and explore the world with, and it would be great if that
person were your husband. But the truth is he simply doesn't want
to. He's tried and he's miserable. Know the truth - It has nothing
to do with whether he loves you or not.
My suggestion - find another person who loves to travel as much
as you do and become traveling partners. Then come home and share
all of your stories and videos with someone who loves you in spite
of your love of travel. » Return to top
Our marriage is very
lonely and boring. Should I just give up?
Jan's Question: We have been married for
23 years, and have 3 children who are out of school. I am miserable,
bored, and don't have the energy to change things or make things
better. I frequently have these feelings and I want out. However I
am afraid of living alone. Sure at times we are compatible and have
a nice time together. But my emotions go in waves. We have talked
about my feelings before, but things really don't change. Yes I am
hormonal, but I don't think this is my problem. I think I am lazy in
some ways....I don't want to have to go through all this crap we
have accumulated in the past few years and sell it, divide between
the children. I just really don't know what to do and what I want. I
do know this much. I am so unhappy, and it is a struggle.
Gloria's Answer: Jan, I truly believe you are going
through what so many women (and men!) go through when the kiddos are leaving
home - the empty nest syndrome!! Sure, the hormones are there, but it is the
bored part that lends itself to at least putting your feelings into the empty
nest category. There is no doubt that when our kids are growing up, they are our
focus. We are running them here, there, and everywhere, and then one day we wake
up to discover they no longer need us. And we are left feeling bored and
purposeless.
What I most want for you is to not begin to digging into your
attic, but to begin digging into your own heart. After all of these
years, it is now your turn to create a fun and amazing life with
just the two of you. What have you always dreamed of doing together
but because you never had the time, energy, or money with the kids
at home, you never seemed to get around to doing it? Now is the time
to do it!
You and your husband, I'm guessing, need to devote some time and
energy into not only creating what your new, independent lives
outside of kids will look like, but also what your new relationship
between the two of you will look like. Let go of the struggle, take
care of yourself well, be creative and fun, and start living again. » Return to top
Should I move on or wait
for him to come back?
Dianna's Question: My husband had an affair during
the first seven years of our marriage. Now 18 years later, he has left me for
her and they are living together. Of course he says that he loves me and always
will, but is not in love with me. He continues to come to my house and we still
have sex (because I find it hard to resist him). My question is since he will
not discuss the situation, should I move on or wait for him? I'm so confused,
depressed, angry and sad without him in my life.
Gloria's Answer: Dianna, I say this as lovingly as
I can, but you are confused, depressed, angry and sad because you making
unhealthy and disrespectful choices towards the very best in yourself. You are
lying to yourself by believing he loves you - love doesn't abandon, cheat, and
lie. You are berating yourself by sleeping with a man whom you know is sleeping
with another woman. You are disempowering yourself by believing that you are
nothing without him.
Stop the lies, let him go, and begin to rediscover what your life
could really be like if you believed in yourself once again. Believe
that you are worthy of a man who truly knows what love is. Believe
that you deserve so much more than one night stands. Believe that
you are the most powerful woman you know. Until you begin to believe
all this about yourself, no one else will either, and that is the
essence of a very sad and unfulfilled life. » Return to top
I have feelings for another man. What should I do?
Melissa's Question: I have been with my husband for
7 years and we have two children, 4 years old and 5 months old. We are both 25
years old, and we are constantly fighting. He still seems to be immature in a
lot of ways, and puts his friends before the kids. We don't have sex because I'm
not attracted to him in that way. Is it because we fight or have I lost all
desire for him? I am attracted to other men and I have kissed another man
recently. I've grown feelings for that man also. I love my husband and can't
imagine my life without him, but we are so unhappy. I don't want our kids to be
without a mom and dad around but our fighting isn't any better for them to see.
What do I need to do? Is it time to let go and move on?
Gloria's Answer: It's hard to remind you that you
still so young when you are married and responsible for 2 little ones yourself,
but it is true. Marriage is a long road with lots of ups and downs, joys and
sorrows, and more than anything else - daily choices on whether or not to love,
honor, and cherish the person you made that vow to. And Melissa, I want to
lovingly and strongly caution you on this one.
You are hurting, confused, and lonely, and probably a little
overwhelmed with being a Mom. I really do understand that, and I
want so much more for you than that! At the same time, you have to
step back and make strong and healthy decisions for yourself and
your family right now. By kissing another man you are opening
yourself up to feelings for someone else that will not help you in
making a decision on whether to go or stay. This will hurt you, not
help you.
My best suggestion for you right now is to stop seeing this other
person, and seek out some counseling/coaching to sort through your
real feelings about your husband, kids, and future. The thoughts and
actions you take right now will decide your future. Be wise and
wonderful, and make decisions that will create a future that you've
always dreamed about! » Return to top
I married at a young age,
and now I feel trapped. What can I do?
Laura Kate's Question: I married when I
was young to get out of a very controlled and strict environment,
and have been married for 2 years. While I love my husband
very much, and he has helped me overcome a lot from my childhood, I
face feelings of being trapped and desperately wanting to be single
and in complete control of my own life for once. I'm scared of
hurting my husband, but also scared of a life regretting getting
married and possibly resenting my husband. We've talked this over
many times, and my decision seems to be divorce or stay--no middle
ground. I need help.
Gloria's Answer: You are young, Laura
Kate, and I can sense the confusion going on in your mind. You love
your husband, yet, you can't help but wonder what you are missing
out there in the big world.
A couple of thoughts, I would encourage you to take some time and
figure out what it is that you really feel like you are missing. Is
it time with friends? Independence? Travel alone? Other men? Other
romantic adventures? What?
Once you know, then you can begin to decide just how important
these things are to you and if you are willing to sacrifice what you
have with your husband now to have those things. You cannot have
them all, yet you may be able to have a nice blend.
If you want independence, then open up your own checking account.
Set some personal goals around what you'd like to do with your
money, split the bills, save for something you'd really like. If you
want time with friends, schedule some time out alone with them once
in awhile. The truth is -You do not have to be alone to feel
independent. » Return to top
I wonder if I made a wise choice in
marrying him.
Robin's Question: My husband and I have been married
for about 5 months. Sometimes he can be very loving, but other times very
critical and judgmental. It has been very stressful, and I have doubts about
whether I made a wise choice in marrying him. I keep thinking of divorce as an
option but I don't think I have a biblical reason. We tried marriage counseling.
What do I need to do?
Gloria's Answer: So often after we marry, we expect
things to be the fairy tale "happily ever after" that we've dreamed
about since we were little girls. And marriage is good and wonderful and
fulfilling in so many ways, yet sometimes our expectations can be a little
unrealistic. I say that because a great marriage doesn't happen simply because
you say "I do".
My concern for you is that after only 5 months you are already
seeking out justification for how to get out of it. Instead, I would
love to see you putting as much effort into learning and growing
together as you have been wondering how to get out. There are many
great books out there about communication, loving each other, and
creating a life together. My first suggestion for you would be to
pick up a copy of "The Five Love Languages" by Gary
Chapman. It's a great place to start! » Return to top
I feel like I'm raising
two kids. What should I do?
Karen's Question: My husband and I have been married
for 3 1/2 years and have a son that is getting ready to turn one. I have been
considering divorce since I was pregnant because of my husband's selfishness. He
is constantly gone hunting, playing sports, or out with his friends and doesn't
spend anytime with me or my son. When I was pregnant, he didn't help me with
anything. I have to beg him to spend time with my son and he will never stay
with him alone so I never get a break. I work a full time job and go to school
two nights a week. While I'm at school, my mom watches our son because my
husband goes and plays cards. I feel like I'm raising two kids. He says that I
am constantly finding fault in everything he does and gets upset when I don't
want to be intimate with him. What should I do?
Gloria's Answer: I first want to take the time to
really acknowledge you, Karen, for being such a wonderful and loving Mom. It is
tough taking care of a little one, the cooking, cleaning and loads of laundry,
let alone holding a full time job and going to school on top of that! What I
really hear is that you are overwhelmed, tired, and wanting some help. I don't
blame you one bit!
Now, at the same time, with all that is on your plate, I wonder
where your husband fits in. So many times new, busy, overwhelmed
Moms forget that they are wives, lovers, and best friends, too. You
want your husband to help, and your husband wants to feel loved. You
have to study, and your husband wants to have fun. You have to get
enough rest to make it through the next day, and your husband rolls
over feeling frustrated because in the midst of life, he has lost
his best friend.
Before you decide that divorce is the answer, I would love to
challenge you to take some time and remember who you were before
your precious little one came into your life. The attractive,
fun-loving, energetic, sexy, driven, and amazing woman that your
husband married is still in there and wants to come out and play,
too. Take some time off from the responsibilities and remember to be
just you again! » Return to top
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Related Articles:
Should I Divorce?
Divorce Test
Ending A Marriage
Deciding On Divorce
Should I Get A Divorce - More articles
More questions and answers
Gloria Swardenski is
a life and business coach, professional speaker, and author of "Got
90 Seconds? Quick Quotes and Notes to Encourage and Inspire".
Information about coping with divorce in the "Ask
Gloria" section of this website is for general purposes only,
and not a substitute for professional counseling.
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