Leaving An Abusive HusbandEven if it's the right thing to do, leaving an abusive husband is a very difficult step to take. Not only do you have to deal with your marriage is ending, but there is also the real threat of how your husband may react to the fact that you are leaving. The following questions and tips from the legal expert can help you prepare as you embark on your journey to freedom.
Topic: Protecting yourself when leaving an abusive husband. Lesley's Question: One of my best friends is heading for a divorce. Her husband is a very strong man and she is scared of him. After discovering that he had been cheating on her, he started hitting her. This divorce will get UGLY period. What can she do to protect herself now for the future? Brette's Answer: Your friend should contact her local domestic violence shelter if she feels she is in danger. They can provide you with advice, counseling, shelter, and resources to deal with this situation. She can look in the phone book or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) to find the services in her area. If she is in immediate danger, 911 should be called. It might help her if she had an escort with her when she moved out - the local shelter may be able to provide that. If there is a history of domestic violence she should go to her local family court and get an order of protection or restraining order. She can also file for custody and child support. If she needs an attorney, she should contact her local bar association for a referral. Topic: Alone and afraid to file Nicole's Question: I have two children 3 and 5, and want to start the divorce process. When I bring it up my husband is outrageously against it and says threatening things. He is not physically abusive but he is extremely controlling and jealous. I am in a tiny town and have no friends or family in this state. I would like to move where my family is with the children once I start the process. I fear what my husband will do when he receives divorce papers (and forever after that). My husband is 11 years my senior and much bigger and stronger than I...and extremely intelligent and manipulative. I feel very alone out here. I feel if I do not get close to my family soon, my rights will be squashed. How do I start? Brette's Answer: Is there anyway a friend or family member could come and help you? You have every right to file for a divorce, and you can seek an immediate order of temporary custody, temporary child support, temporary spousal support, as well as a temporary order of protection or restraining order if you are afraid. The court system can meet all of these needs, but unfortunately it cannot meet the emotional needs of the people involved. It sounds to me as if you need someone who can stand by you, give you courage, and hold your hand a little bit. You might consider calling the local domestic violence shelter. Even though you are not a victim of physical violence, it sounds to me as if you are a victim of emotional and mental violence. They may be able to help you. Some programs provide escorts when you go to court. They may be able to help you find a place to stay. Your local social services department may also be able to help you find temporary housing. No one should stay in a marriage because they are too afraid to end it. Make some calls and find someone who can give you some support. » Return to top What can I do if he won't leave me alone since I left? Tania's Question: We have a 9 month old daughter together. He kicked both of us out one night while drunk, and the police took us to a woman's shelter that night. I decided not to go back due to the abuse and intimidation techniques. He says if I don't settle out of court with him as far as custody, visitation etc he will make it so my lawyer will charge me more and he will never quit (I will always be running or in court). My lawyer told me not to talk to him. Then this weekend he has found my number. I have 3 drunk messages and he's called approximately 20-30 times. Now he is threatening to take her and I will never see her again! I am wondering what exactly to do. Brette's Answer: Listen to your lawyer. Don't talk to him. Ask your lawyer to get a restraining order so he cannot call you or approach you. Change your phone number. Let your lawyer help you and do what he or she recommends. What if he's visiting my workplace and trying to get me fired? Kathy's Question: Can an ex visit my workplace? Even if he has cause, can he make trouble and try to get me fired? Brette's Answer: If you don't have a restraining order, this is an issue to take up with your employer. If he is harassing you, you can seek a restraining order. What can I do if he controls everything? Linda's Question: My abusive husband tells me he wants a divorce. He drives the only working vehicle and says he is leaving the home in November. He's leaving me without transportation and with four children to care for. How can I protect myself and my children? I'm very isolated, and I need to find a way to help myself. Brette's Answer: If you or your children are in danger, you need to call the local domestic violence shelter and get help. They are highly trained and can help you take control of the situation and help you feel and be safe. Safety must be your first concern. You can go to family court and seek spousal support and child support. You'll also want to get an order of custody. You don't need an attorney. You are going to need transportation to get there - if you are in an abusive relationship the shelter may be able to help you with that. If you are ever in immediate physical danger, call the police. » Return to top How can my friend get a divorce if she can't afford a lawyer? Susan's Question: My friend left her extremely abusive husband, and several professionals have advised her to get a restraining order, speed the divorce process, and to definitely hire a lawyer. She does not qualify for legal assistance, and can barely pay her living expenses and therefore can't afford a retainer fee. Nobody will help her, but she is in danger. She can't get out of danger until she moves the divorce forward. And she can't move it forward without a lawyer. What can she do? Brette's Answer: Unfortunately a lot of people are in this kind of situation. This is the time in your life when you turn to family and friends for financial help. There are attorneys who will agree to installment plans. She can easily go to family court and get a restraining order on her own without an attorney. Megan's Question: My children are toddlers, and the only reason I haven't left him yet is I'm afraid of him getting full or partial custody, and I would do anything to prevent that. He is violent and we have a history of domestic abuse. If I keep a journal detailing the abuse, can he get custody? Brette's Answer: From what you have said, I think you need to get in touch with a domestic abuse shelter. You need someone to support you, provide guidance and help you feel safe (many provide outreach services and are not just about having women come and stay there). If the situation is as you have described, you have nothing to worry about in terms of custody. You can go to Family Court and file a custody petition. If you can't afford an attorney, you can ask to have one appointed. You can get permission from the court to relocate. Once custody is determined you can ask for child support. You can also get an order of protection directing him to stay away from you and not make threats. Call your local domestic abuse program (you can find the number in the phone book, or by calling your local police) and ask for their help. » Return to top Can supervised visitation be a stipulation of our custody agreement? Jessica's Question: I have filled for sole custody. My ex is very abusive and just recently shot a man in the army. He is getting discharged and is coming home shortly. I want him to have only supervised visitation. How can I get him to back off and be happy that I am letting him have that? Brette's Answer: There's no way to make him happy about it, but you can certainly go to court and get an order of this kind. The only thing you can do is tell him that it is important to you that he have a relationship with your child and that you don't want to stand in the way of that, but only want to make sure your child is safe. » Return to top He wants me to sign over custody, or he'll take me to court. Nancy's Question: My ex husband has given me a choice to make. Sign custody over of my 2 boys (one being autistic) without any visitation, or get taken back to court while he tries to prove me an unfit mother. What does it take to prove unfit? I eat organic food, live a clean chemical free life down to organic shampoo and laundry detergent. My new baby (from someone else) even wears cloth diapers. Who do you talk to if the ex mentally abuses the children. He also tells them all the time that I will go to jail if I don't obey what he tells me to do. Brette's Answer: I want you to talk to an attorney as soon as you can - call and arrange for a free consultation with someone who does family law. Don't listen to your ex and don't sign anything! There are many ways someone can be an unfit mother - not supervising the children, not getting them medical care, abusing them, putting them in dangerous situations - too many to list. You sound like a wonderful mom and it doesn't matter if you have a baby with someone else. Get an attorney and don't let your ex push you into anything. It sounds like you should take your children to a therapist if you are concerned about the treatment they are receiving from your ex. This is something to discuss with your attorney for sure, but getting them some help has to be your first priority. Your ex cannot have you go to jail for not doing what he says. He sounds like an abusive and controlling person and you need a support network to help you deal with this. Get a good attorney, consider seeing a therapist yourself and if you need to, contact a domestic violence shelter in your area for protection, or for support. Good luck! » Return to top She won't leave because she's afraid he'll get custody. Julie's Question: My daughter is in a significantly emotionally abusive marriage. Things are going from bad to worse, and she is beginning to fear that he will start hitting her next. He threatens to 'kick her out' all the time, if she doesn't behave (which means completely and 100 percent submit to everything he demands instantly). She is terrified to leave him because he also always threatens that he will fight dirty and tell everyone that she is an awful mother and he will take the kids and get full custody. He is incredibly mean and cruel to her. I know she would leave him if she wasn't so frightened that he would get the children (only 2 and 3 years old), or even during visitation with them use them to taunt her (by putting them in ugly situations). Is there anyway for her to make sure he DOESN'T get the children? Most people think he is a loving father and kind husband, but both his and her families know better. Brette's Answer: The only thing she can do is document what is happening. The way he treats her does not necessarily mean he can't get custody. She needs to focus on how he treats the children. A journal would be a good way for her to keep a daily record of what he does with the kids and how he treats them. She should also document everything she does for the children, to show she is the primary caregiver. Start lining people up to testify and get people into the home to witness what is happening. You need to get her out of there if she is in danger. Will our custody arrangement change if I go back to him? Ashley's Question: I am a mother of two who have recently left my children's father because he was very physically abusive. I am applying for joint custody of the children to be split 80/20 with the father. If I choose to return to him in the future, what will happen to my custody order? What can I do to avoid him leaving the country with our children? Brette's Answer: Why would you return to someone who has physically abused you? That's the most important question you should address. If you aren't already, you should see a therapist who can help you work through these issues. If you get back together, it is a change in circumstances and should you return to court, you could certainly see a change in custody. Leaving the country is another matter. Most custody orders direct that a parent is not to leave the country without permission, but you could certainly make sure that was in your order. » Return to top He doesn't know I'm pregnant. Do I have to tell him? Angie's Question: Almost a year ago, I finally got away from an abusive boyfriend. I pressed charges on him and took pictures of what he did to me. A month after I left him, I found out I was pregnant. I am scared to tell him that he has a child because I don't want to put her in that situation. He has a history of violence and alcoholism. I just don't think it would be in my child's best interest to be around him. Is there any way of keeping him from seeing and getting custody of my child? Brette's Answer: You can simply not tell him and your child will never know her father. You can seek sole custody with no visitation or supervised visitation, and you can also obtain an order of protection for yourself to prevent him from harming you. You need to weigh what is more pressing - your fear or your child's right to know her father. Seeing an attorney as well as a counselor might help you sort all this out. » Return to top How will my husband's abuse affect our divorce? Tate's Question: My husband assaulted me with a hammer which he admitted on arrest, but he was released with a caution for assault. Since then, he as been harassing me. My estranged husband has told me he will be applying for custody of my sons. Will his violence towards me help me keep my sons and remain in the marital home? I wonder if the above mentioned facts will affect our divorce's outcome and what can be stated as a ground for divorce. Brette's Answer: Yes, domestic violence is an issue that is important in a custody case. In some states it can also mean you will receive more in the divorce. The fact that your husband has been abusive to you is very important and is certainly grounds for divorce. I suggest you talk to an attorney about your situation and explore what your rights are under your state laws. The grounds for divorce vary by state, but the abuse by itself certainly is enough. » Return to top Would it be considered abuse if he threw a knife at me? Lisa's Question: My husband has threaten to stab me with a knife, thrown a knife at me, and threaten to kill me if I ever cheat on him. The knife hit the wall behind me but didn't touch me. This might be a silly question, but is that considered abusive behavior? Brette's Answer: Yes. Throwing a knife at someone is a crime. I am concerned for your safety. You need to plan a way to get out. Is there family or friend you could go to? You could also call your local domestic violence shelter, although they sometimes won't accept women who have not been actually physically harmed. How can I claim abuse if I have no proof? Lakisha's Question: My husband tells me that when we file for a divorce, there is no use in talking about the physical and emotional abuse that I have went through over the years, because I have no proof. How will I be able to file for spousal abuse, with out proof? Brette's Answer: Your testimony is proof. In the future, it is important that you get police reports, have photos taken, or at the very least keep a journal documenting everything that happens. Contact your local domestic violence shelter for help and support and call the police immediately if you are in danger. Question: I left the family home, due to a abusive relationship and will be filing for a divorce. The mortgage is in my name. My husband does not work and can't afford to pay, but will not leave the house. What can I do? Brette's Answer: Get an attorney and seek exclusive occupancy of the home while the divorce is pending. If he's physically abusive, get a restraining order, which can also order him to move out. Your safety has to come first though, so please make sure you are safe and avoid any encounters with your spouse while this is in the works. If you need support or advice, contact your local domestic violence shelter. Deciding that you are ready to act is a big step when you are in an abusive relationship and you should feel proud of yourself for deciding to take steps to protect yourself. » Return to top If he moves out, can I keep him from moving back in? Julianne's Question: My husband's abuse has been going on for years, and the police have been called to our home numerous times. He moved out the other day, but now he says he's coming back. I don't want him back and I don't want to move into a shelter. What can I do? Brette's Answer: You can go to family court and get an emergency order giving you temporary exclusive residence of the home. Then you can start divorce proceedings and get another order from that court which will continue the same terms while the divorce is in process. » Return to top How can I get by if I'm pregnant and don't have a job? Jenny's Question: My husband and I are separated and have been for 2 weeks now. We have a 3 year old, 1 year old, and I am 7 months pregnant with no job. I have an EPO out on him for raping me and our EPO-DVO hearing is this week. They are requesting temporary child support for me in this case, but what else can I do? Brette's Answer: You need to do several things. File a petition in family court for a custody order and file a petition for spousal support. He says I won't get anything if I divorce him. Is that right? Carol's Question: I am 65 years old and married to an abusive man. He says that if I leave him he will not give me anything, and that he will quit his job before he gives me a cent. Please advise if I have a recourse. Brette's Answer: It sounds like you should schedule a free consultation with a divorce attorney so that you can understand what your rights are. It is up to the court, not your husband, to decide what you will get and you most certainly will walk away with a fair share of the marital assets. Quitting his job will not matter, particularly if it is apparent to the court that he has done so to avoid paying alimony. You also should see a therapist, who will help you decide what you want to do and find a way to take action. It is not easy to leave an abusive relationship and you definitely need some support. Good luck. » Return to top If he claims abandonment, will I lose my rights to the home? Sharon's Question: I have recently left my husband and our home, which we own together. Would I loose my rights to the house and cars because I left without being legally separated yet. Can he sue me for abandoning the home? I have a case of domestic violence against him and basically he asked me to leave after I got a police report. What should I do? Brette's Answer: Those are marital assets which will be divided in the divorce. In some states, leaving the home does affect your rights, however since there is a documented domestic violence case, it doesn't sound like you need to worry. You do need to get an attorney who can help you move forward. » Return to top If I leave, will still I be entitled to half of what we have together? Sharon's Question: If I should leave my home for security reasons, will I still be entitled to 50% of what we have together, such as house, car etc.? Brette's Answer: Your marital assets will be distributed according to state law. Some states use equitable distribution, which means a fair but not necessarily equal distribution. Moving out of your home can have implications though on your right to have residence of the home, so you should talk to an attorney. If you are in danger, you need to take care of your own safety first and worry about assets later. Contact your local domestic violence shelter for assistance. » Return to top How do I get my personal belongings out of the house? Linda's Question: If you leave your material home due to domestic violence, do you get the right to go in and pack your personal belongings yourself? Brette's Answer: There are a variety of arrangements that can be made. A time can be set up when he is directed by the court to be away from the house for a certain period of time so you can go in safely. You can bring a friend or relative with you for safety reasons. If you do not have a restraining order against him, you should get one. » Return to top He is still abusing me with the legal system. What can I do? Aurelie's Question: I left my physically and mentally abusive husband 3 years ago. After a year of going to court/ mediation, I was granted sole legal and physical custody, and he was allowed supervised visitation. My attorney has tried many times to contact his attorney to try to finalize the divorce. He's just enjoying the fact that he still has a hold of me and can still exercise some control over my life by using the legal system. For example, we had to go to court for a pre-trial hearing and he didn't even show up. His attorney called saying she couldn't make it because she had car trouble. My attorney explained to the judge what has been going on for the past two years. Even though the judge didn't buy his attorney's story, she still had to give her the benefit of the doubt. Although I'm no longer in an abusive relationship, my ex still makes my life impossible, and I have no more energy to fight him. Why doesn't the court realize what abusers do during a divorce? Brette's Answer: Your case is an example of how sometimes the legal system simply goes too far in its attempts to be fair. I know how exhausted and frustrated you are and I agree this isn't right. The thing you need to understand is that the judge does understand what is going on and is most likely not going to give anymore leeway. You need to find the strength and the patience to get through the next set of hearings and I suspect the judge will accept no more delays. You need to be very clear with your attorney that this needs to end and that he or she needs to let the court know that this has dragged on too far. It sounds to me as if you have come such a long way personally. Don't let your spouse drag you down. You have made a good life for yourself and your child. The court will recognize that. Try to stay strong and urge your attorney to bring this to an end as quickly as possible. » Return to top
Related Articles: Brette Sember is a former family and
matrimonial attorney and mediator, nationally recognized expert, and author of
many books including
The Divorce Organizer & Planner,
No-Fight Divorce, and
How To Parent With Your Ex.
This column provides general information about the various aspects of divorce. It is not intended to take the place of legal counsel and should not be considered personal legal advice. For specific recommendations concerning your situation, please retain experienced legal counsel. WomansDivorce.com and Brette Sember disclaim any liability from any claim arising from any information contained in this column. This column is not a substitute for legal advice. Divorce
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