Shared Physical Custody
|
These types of arrangements work best when both parents are able to work well together for the benefit of the child. When there is ongoing conflict between the parents, it opens the door for continuing battles over the child or children, as highlighted by the following questions.
- He wants shared custody, but I'll be breast-feeding my son.
- Is 3 years old too young for a shared-parenting arrangement?
- He works nights. Is shared physical custody practical?
- Should shared parenting be changed when a child starts school?
- Who gets to decide where the child goes to school?
- Can a 50/50 custody order be modified if nothing has changed?
- Can shared custody be modified if he's an irresponsible parent?
- What can I do if he wants shared custody after no contact for a year?
- Can he get joint custody if he doesn't even use his visitation?
- What can I do if my kids hate the arrangement?
- Can he get shared custody with his criminal background?
- Can he get shared custody if he's in prison?
- Can he get joint custody if he's gay?
- If he has shared custody of his first child, will it affect our situation?
- What can I do if my son decides to live with his dad full time?
- Can shared custody be changed if he has mental health issues?
- Can he change the shared-parenting arrangement?
- How does relocation affect shared physical custody?
- Is 2 months with each parent a good idea for a toddler?
- What can I do if he's in violation of the custody agreement?
- I can't contact my kids when they're at their father's house.
- Can he dictate whether my boyfriend can be around our child?
- Who claims the children for taxes if custody is split evenly?
- Do I have to provide everything for my son if share custody?
He wants shared custody, but I'll be breast-feeding my son.
Judy's Question: I'm 6 months pregnant, and he wants joint custody when our son is born. I'm afraid to do that since he will be working most of the time and our son will be left with a nanny (he also lives about 1 1/2hrs from me). My son will need to be returned to me at night since I will be breast feeding, but he refuses to budge. Can I get full custody w/ visitation?
Brette's Answer: It sounds like you're letting the father of your child try to strong arm you into a parenting plan that you're not comfortable with. Although courts are supposed to consider mothers and fathers equally, it is not all that common for a court to have a newborn infant live with the father. If you are breastfeeding, that pretty much seals your right to residency. Breastfeeding is important, and it will be extremely difficult for you to be successful if you are not in the same house with your son. A court would always prefer to see a child be with a parent than with a nanny, unless that parent is a danger to the child in some way. It sounds like you need to stand up for yourself and your baby. You should make an appointment with a family law attorney who can tell you how to handle this from the beginning, including hospital visitation and birth certificate information. You need to get some advice specific to your state laws and your situation, and you need someone who can help you stand up for yourself. » Return to top
Topic: Shared Parenting Schedules
Lisa's Question: I am a single mom who's going through a custody battle. My son's father is a good citizen, and has always had contact with our son, who is now 3 years old. I think 3 is too young for 50/50 joint custody. Hypothetically, if you were to represent me in court, what would be our argument that I was right?
Brette's Answer: Each custody case is different, just as each child is different. If you are adamantly against the proposed custody plan, you need to lay out for your attorney all the reasons why this would not work for your child. This can't be about what you are comfortable with or uncomfortable about. It has to only center on your child. It may be necessary to get a child psychologist involved in your case. You might want to consider going to mediation. There may be a compromise that both of you could agree to, which would spare you the nastiness of a custody trial. » Return to top
Topic: Shared Parenting and Work Schedules
Rose's Question: My husband and I are getting divorced and he is fighting me for joint legal and physical custody of our three years old. Now, from what I understand, he would have to prove that I am a bad mother to be able to take him from me, right? And my husband also works nights and sleeps all day, so how would that even work?
Brette's Answer: The court does not presume that either parent is naturally a better parent. The court looks at all of the circumstances and decides based on the particular situation what would be best for the child. Your husband's work schedule is definitely an important factor in the decision about custody. However, there are plenty of third shift parents who have custody of their children. It's just one factor. You should talk to your attorney about the situation. It might be useful for you and your husband to go to mediation. You could sit down with a neutral mediator and see if you could find a solution that would allow both of you to have time with your child, in a way that works for everyone. » Return to top
Topic: Shared Parenting and Starting School
Shannon's Question: I have a little girl that's almost 5 years old, and I share physical custody with her father. With our current schedule, I have her 2 nights, he 2 nights and then we would switch to 3 nights and then back to 2. She started attending pre-k that this past August, and I want more of a stable schedule for her. I think us switching her back and forth is not healthy. I would like for her to be with me Mon thru Fri since she is attending school. What are your thoughts on my situation?
Brette's Answer: I think you're right. Once children start to attend school regularly it can be disruptive to be passing them back and forth. The important thing will be to help her father realize this would be best for her, and to make it clear you are not trying to shut him out. Suggest generous weekend visitation, weeks in the summer or over school holidays and perhaps several hours one evening a week.
Who gets to decide where the child goes to school?
Alicia's Question: My ex and I have split custody of our 3 year old son. I am the primary parent, but was told since we are doing 50-50 it didn't really matter who was the primary parent. Our son will soon be starting pre-k, and I live 2 school districts over from my ex. When he starts school, who gets to decide what school he goes to?
Brette's Answer: If you have joint legal custody, you need to decide together. If you have legal custody, then you can make that decision. It may be time to rethink your schedule, so this is something to talk about together if possible.
Can the 50/50 arrangement be changed if nothing has changed?
Antonette's Question: I was divorced 2 years ago, and my ex and I agreed to 50/50 custody. I would like to bring him back to court to modify the agreement. I want to be the primary parent and do not want to do 50 /50 anymore. My ex is stable and nothing has changed. Do I have a chance?
Brette's Answer: You need to be able to show the current situation is somehow not beneficial to the kids. Your wants are not the most important consideration. The court isn't interested in changing an arrangement unless there's some evidence that it is not a good situation for the kids. » Return to top
Can custody be changed if he's an irresponsible parent?
Wendy's Question: I have had shared custody of my two children for a little over a year. My ex husband refuses to give our asthmatic son his medication and refuses to send his medication back with our son. My ex also refuses to work with our son with his education. Our son was diagnosed with mental retardation. He needs to be worked with on a daily basis. He has told our son that he doesn't have to go to school or do his school work. My ex allows our 12 year old daughter to go to high school parties and have camp out with boys. Are these grounds for me take him back to court for full custody?
Brette's Answer: The things you mentioned would be of great concern to me were I your children's law guardian or Guardian ad litem. Particularly the refusal to send the medication or work with your son. You've got to find a way to document this though - keep a journal and see if you can get someone else to hear him saying these things. » Return to top
He now wants shared custody, but it's not a good situation.
April's Question: I have had sole custody of my 8 year old daughter for two years. My ex is moving here next month with his girlfriend and her 2 year old son. They will be renting a 2 bedroom apartment and make these children, who do not even know each other, share a room. He wants to have our daughter 50/50 effective as soon as he gets here. I expressed my discomfort in having my daughter share a room with a little boy, especially after not having lived with her father for nearly 2 years. Do I have any grounds to limit visits to weekends? Are there laws regarding children of blended families and of opposite sex sharing room? What are your thoughts?
Brette's Answer: Reintroductions like these should be taken gradually. It is upsetting and confusing for a child to suddenly be thrust into a situation like this. There needs to be a transition during which she is gradually introduced to her father and the son. Having a 50/50 split of custody might make sense eventually, but it's got to be something everyone moves toward slowly. I would start with everyone meeting together so she feels comfortable, then have her spend a few hours, then an afternoon, then move to one afternoon a week, then a whole day and eventually have an overnight. Then slowly increase the overnights.
As for sharing a room, there's nothing wrong with children sharing a room. I think it might be hard for an 8 year old and a 2 year old to live in the same room 50% of the time though. That alone is not going to be a reason to deny visitation. Maybe your daughter could sleep on the couch or bring one of those blow up beds with her? I know it's not ideal, but she might sleep better if she's not in a room with a toddler. Your ex could even buy one of those standing, folding shoji screens to divide the room - this might help a little. This is something you and your ex should try to talk about, and maybe include your daughter in the conversation after she has had the opportunity to go there a few times during the day. » Return to top
Can he get joint custody if he doesn't even use his visitation?
Ana's Question: I have a 9 month old son who's father has seen him twice in 6 months, and does not pay for child support. He has a restraining order for a year with custody awarded to me and has violated the restraining order, and now has criminal charges pending. He lives two hours away and wants joint custody of our baby. What are the chances the court will grant this?
Brette's Answer: A man who does not exercise his visitation has little chance of getting custody. » Return to top
Topic: The kids hate the shared parenting arrangement
Katrina's Question: I have three daughters and share joint physical custody with my ex. We verbally agreed to review the arrangement after a year. It has now been over a year and the two oldest girls cry every week when they have go to their dad's. They say they don't like be shuffled back and forth. Our youngest daughter doesn't like the situation, but her dad buys her things when the others are upset. It breaks my heart to have to send them crying each week. The relationship my oldest daughter has with her father now is gone. She stays in her room the entire time she is over at his house, or tries to go with someone else somewhere. He has a very loud/bad temper and frequently unleashes it on the oldest. The second child has witnessed this and is afraid of him now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Brette's Answer: First of all, I think it is great that you are trying to make a joint custody situation work. I know how hard it can be. There are several things I would suggest. First, try to find a way to have a civil conversation alone with your ex, out of earshot of your children. Start the conversation by saying you really want this to work and are hoping you can work together. Tell him how your girls are feeling and acting. If you have any suggestions for what you both can do to make it better, offer them, but try not to turn the conversation into "here's what you're doing wrong" because then it is just a confrontation. Stress that you want to work together, that it is important to you that they spend time with him and that he have a good relationship with them.
Another thing I would suggest is talking to your girls and finding out what they think would make it better. Sometimes kids come up with surprising answers that are very workable. I would tell them that he is their father and spending time with him is not negotiable (if they know this situation is a one year trial, it's likely they will try to make it as miserable as possible). Find out what would make things easier and better for them. It is very important that you and your ex align yourselves together in agreement that visitation is happening.
I would also recommend you find a good therapist and take your children. It is very difficult to deal with a divorce and a good therapist will not only help them find ways to cope, but may also be able to offer some suggestions about how to improve the situation. Good luck. » Return to top
Can he get custody with his criminal background?
Gerrie's Question: My husband is a convicted felon that served 18 months in prison for money laundering. I suspect that he he is smoking weed again, and last year ago I found a bag hidden in his tool box. My mother made me flush it down the toilet instead of calling the police. He is going through something again ... he recently left town to see a friend of his that he met in the prison. He said that if we end up in divorce, he will move to Chicago and have custody of the girls 6 months at a time. Can he do this?
Brette's Answer: It's unlikely he would get custody of your children, or extended visitation, given his record and the fact that you can testify about what you found in his possession. You and your children need to get away from his influence. It is not healthy for your kids to grow up in the midst of criminal activity. It's also very dangerous for you, since you could be charged as an accessory if you help him in any way. See an attorney and get a temporary order of custody. Good luck. » Return to top
Can he get shared custody if he's in prison?
Maria's Question: My husband is currently in prison for drugs and will be eligible for parole in 2010. I'm really scared that when he gets out he will try to get shared custody of the kids. He has been abusive to me, and has had several drug charges in the past. It would devastating if the Judge agreed to give him shared custody, especially since he has not seen his children since 2004 and has never provided anything for them. Would I be able to file for sole custody of my two children?
Brette's Answer: You have nothing to worry about. No one is going to give shared custody to someone who is in prison for the next two years. You'll most likely get sole custody.
Can he get joint custody if he's gay?
Maria's Question: Would a judge issue joint custody if my ex has chosen to live the "Gay" lifestyle? I confronted him on being an alcoholic and viewing porn on the internet, and he doesn't deny any of it. I allow him to see our son daily, but I worry about my son being around my ex's "partners". What should I do?
Brette's Answer: Being gay has no impact on a person's ability to parent and plays no part in a custody decision. Being an alcoholic is another matter, as is the environment the child is in.
Can the shared custody of his first child be used as a basis in our case?
Kellie's Question: I am currently considering divorce and weighing my options. My biggest concern has to do with joint custody. I have a 12 year old step-son and a 4 year old son. My step-son's custody arrangement alternating weeks with each parent. Will my husband be able use the custody arrangement with his first child to get the same arrangement for our child?
Brette's Answer: Each child's needs are different,
as are each situation. Your husband's relationship with his own child could be
used as evidence to show his parenting abilities, but a court is going to make a
decision based on what is in the best interest of your child, and create a
schedule that works best for your child.
» Return to top
Topic: My son doesn't want to come home. What can I do?
Leah's Question: I've had equally shared custody of my three children for the past 3 1/2 years with my ex. About 3 months ago, I had a fight with my 16 year old son and told him he could no longer get on the computer. He decided to stay with his father after that and has not returned. His father said that he will not make him see or spend time with me. He has told all of our friends that he is going for Sole Custody because that is what our son wants. Is my ex in contempt of court for not following a court order, even though my son wants to stay with him?
Brette's Answer: Your son's opinion is very important and a court will consider it, however, a child does need to have contact with both parents. No judge is going to ok his living there and never seeing you. His going along with this could be custodial interference. The right way to do this is to go back to court and have the order changed to reflect the child's wishes, as long as that is in the child's best interest. Get an attorney and go from there. Good luck. » Return to top
Topic: Shared Parenting and Mental Health Issues
Erin's Question: I have shared legal and physical custody with my son's father. I work two jobs and he's laid off right now. We worked out arrangements to have our son spend equal amounts of time with each of us; however, he ran into financial difficulty and told me he couldn't afford to take our son, due to no food and non payment of bills. He hasn't called or seen his son in two weeks and I just recently heard that he was admitted to a mental hospital for a day or so and was put under evaluation. I'm concerned for my child's well-being if he starts seeing him again. Will it be difficult to prove he's unfit and that I should have full physical custody?
Brette's Answer: You should talk to an attorney. A
court is going to do what is in your child's best interest - and that usually
means arranging some kind of visitation. Mental illness does not mean your child
should not have a father. It's going to depend on the details and circumstances
of your situation. Good luck.
» Return to top
Topic: Changing Shared Physical Custody Agreements
Katrina's Question: Although I would rather be designated as residential parent or custodial parent, I have relinquished to a shared parenting arrangement to avoid a lengthy and expensive custody battle. The parenting plan as it is written now is in my favor, with me having our daughter 4 nights a week one week and 5 nights a week on the alternate weeks. In late March, he lost his job and is now asking to have our daughter 3 nights a week every week. This is more time that the county in which we reside recommends for the non-residential parent. I realize that the way we have the schedule now, will not work when Chloe is school-age. I want to avoid having to do the arrangement in which she is with me for one full week and then with her dad for one full week (as many other divorced parents are doing in our area). I want her to be with me overnight during the school week. If I am designated "residential parent for school purposes," will this ensure that she is with me overnight during the school week? Another concern I have is that I never want to be in the position in which I need to pay my ex child support. Given that he lost his job and given his career field, it is likely that I will always make more money than he.
Brette's Answer: Unless he has a good reason for asking for a change in the schedule, it's unlikely he will get it. If your daughter is doing well, a court probably would see no reason to change the schedule. I don't know the details of your situation, but you said he lost his job and if this means he could be with her all day instead of her going to daycare on her days with you, that might be something in his favor. You didn't say how old she is now, but keeping a schedule that makes sense for school will be important. If you have more time with her than he does and are the residential parent, you probably won't have to pay child support. Unfortunately I can't give you definite answers because I don't know the details of your situation and the specific laws of your jurisdiction. I would urge you to use mediation again if you can't reach an agreement. » Return to top
Topic: Relocation and shared parenting agreements
Rose's Question: I divorced last year and my ex and I decided on joint custody. Right now our child lives with both of us. I recently remarried this year and am looking to move to another state for a better paying job. Also, this is where my new husband owns a home. My ex is unsure about the move because he feels he's been as much of a parent as I have and he wants to be there for our son. I'm moving because it would be a great help financially. Can my ex lose if I fight him on this?
Brette's Answer: Relocating is a difficult thing
for divorced parents. On the one hand, you need to do what is right for you and
your family, yet on the other hand, you have a responsibility to make sure your
child spends time with the other parent. I would suggest you and your ex try to
talk this out. Can you create a plan that will let him have extended time with
your child over the summer? Maybe he could come and visit her for long weekends?
See what you can work out. You might also want to see a mediator who could help
you come up with solutions that don't immediately occur to you. If you go to
court about this, it will be difficult. The court will have to weigh what is
best for your child and will look at how much time your ex has spent with her in
the past and what their relationship is like.
» Return to top
Is two months with each parent a good idea for a toddler?
Renee's Question: If a child (2 1/2) is being shared with equal time by a mother and father and one of the parents is moving to a different state, what is the typical custody agreement for shared time? Is it possible to have a couple of months with each parent?
Brette's Answer: It's possible, but in general that would not be recommended, particularly for a child of that age. In most situations, the court will pick a residential parent and the other will have visitation.
Topic: Violation of Custody Agreement
Malia's Question: Our shared physical custody agreement is that our son will live with me during the summer months and with my ex during the school months. Twice he has violated court orders by concealing my son, and this is still in continuance to this day. School has now been out for more than a month, and I haven't seen my son yet. What can I do?
Brette's Answer: You should hire an attorney, return to court and file for a violation. Then you can seek a change in custody. Interference with custodial rights is grounds for a change in custody. » Return to top
Topic: I can't call the kids when they're at their father's house
Question: My spouse and I have shared physical and legal custody. I really miss my kids when they are with their father, and I would like to call them. I know that he has a landline, but will not disclose the phone number to me. The only number I have is for his cell phone, which he won't answer. All I get is his voicemail, and my calls are never returned. What can I do?
Brette's Answer: If you and your ex can't come to an agreement about this, you may need to go back to court to have your order adjusted to direct that each party shall have telephone access with the children when they are with the other parent. » Return to top
Topic: Shared Parenting and New Relationships
Maria's Question: I have been divorced for 4 years and we have a joint custody arrangement. My ex gives me a hard time about the vacations that my child and I go on when he hears that my boyfriend of 2 year is going along. He says he has a problem with us playing happy family. My boyfriend is a great person and very good to my daughter. She adores him. Does he have any rights not to allow my child to go with me because he does not want us all together?
Brette's Answer: Right now he has no rights when it comes to this, but he could ask a court to prevent you from taking your boyfriend if he could prove that it somehow was not healthy for your daughter to have him along. It doesn't sound like that is the situation. I would suggest trying to talk calmly and rationally with your ex and explain that having your boyfriend along is fun for everyone and that it in no way replaces your daughter's father. » Return to top
Topic: Shared Parenting and Claiming the Children on Taxes
Angela's Question: If parents have shared physical custody (one week with Mom, one week with Dad), who claims the children on their taxes?
Brette's Answer: This is normally spelled out in the divorce judgment or settlement. If it isn't, it would be something you should try to work out yourselves. You could look at who would benefit most from this, or you could decide to alternate years. » Return to top
Do I have to provide everything if we will be sharing custody?
Jennifer's Question: My husband and I have shared custody of our kids, but he only takes them every other weekend. When he does take them, I have to provide everything for them both of them, including formula and cereal, diapers, wipes, bottles, clothes, etc. I only get $52 dollars a month in child support (which he says is enough). Shouldn't he do more then just supply housing, and a bed for them to sleep in? What can I do?
Brette's Answer: Why are you providing formula and baby food? When the children are with him, that is his responsibility. I can understand you being concerned that your son is receiving the right formula or cereal, however, it is your ex's responsibility as a parent to go buy the right things.
It sounds like you need to go back to court and ask to first have your custody arrangement reflect the current schedule. Then you need to have child support modified. » Return to top
© WomansDivorce.com. All rights reserved.
|
|
Related Articles:
What Is Custody?
Shared Parenting Suggestions
Also see:
More questions and answers
Ask the Legal
Expert a question
Brette Sember is a former family and
matrimonial attorney and mediator, nationally recognized expert, and author of
many books including
The Divorce Organizer & Planner,
No-Fight Divorce, and
How To Parent With Your Ex.
This column provides general information about the various aspects of divorce. It is not intended to take the place of legal counsel and should not be considered personal legal advice. For specific recommendations concerning your situation, please retain experienced legal counsel. WomansDivorce.com and Brette Sember disclaim any liability from any claim arising from any information contained in this column. This column is not a substitute for legal advice.
Divorce
Process / Children
and Divorce/ Emotions
and Divorce
Starting
Over / Financial
Survival / Relationships
Home /
Divorce
Guide / State
Resources
Divorce Books
/ Store / Survey
/ Contact /
Chat / Links
/ Newsletter
