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Keeping Rules the Same At Both Houses
Whose Rules? By Brette McWhorter Sember
"But Dad
always lets me stay up this late." "At Mom's house we
don't have to take the garbage out." Sound familiar? Separation
and divorce means two homes for your child, and too often that means
two completely different sets of rules. It's hard enough for a kid
to comply with one set of rules, but having two is a guarantee for
confusion and disobedience from your kids and resentment and anger
between parents.
If you and the other parent are going to parent together
effectively, you've got to have a set of universal rules in place
for your child that is in force at both homes. But you and the other
parent are individuals. And obviously there are a lot of things you
don't agree on. No kidding, right? So your two homes are going to be
different and you're going to have different situations, different
needs, and different circumstances when your kids are at each home.
There are going to be differences in the way you parent. There
should be. Your kids need both perspectives and both personalities.
But they also need to know that they are living under the same basic
set of expectations at each home.
Rules You Need You need to create important, big, lifestyle rules
that are followed at both homes. You don't want your child going
from one house to the other, feeling like he or she is migrating
between different countries where everything is different. Big rules
include:
Homework rules. It doesn't matter if one parent is the weekend
parent and the other is the weekday parent. Homework should be done
at both homes and should be a priority in both homes.
Bedtime and
curfews. Slight variations are fine, but try to keep it within half
an hour.
Levels of responsibility. Children should have chores at
both homes; you don't want one house to be a free ride and the other
to be boot camp.
Age criteria. Examples include crossing the
street alone, curfew changes, dating.
Off-limits activities. The
biggies - drinking, smoking, swearing, disrespect.
General limits.
If you agree that tv or computer time needs to be limited for your
child, then limits should be similar at both homes.
Consequences.
You don't need to go overboard and type up a detailed list, but in
both homes, similar consequences should be applied for similar
infractions, for example, no tv that night if the child doesn't
clean her room.
Don't Sweat the Small Stuff So what if at one house the child
must rinse the dishes and put them in the dishwasher while at the
other he or she only has to clear the table? There are always going
to be differences between the two homes, and the longer you live
separately, the greater those differences are going to become. You
and the other parent are going to grow and develop on your own, and
as the years go by, the differences between you will become more
pronounced. The key is to have the same goals for your child and to
find a way to agree about the best general ways to achieve those
goals. You're not going to approach everything identically, and
that's good.
How Do You Make Rules? Before you separated, you were both living
in home with your child and had rules in place you both understood.
When you change your living arrangement into two homes, try to keep
the same rules in place. It's easier for both of you and provides
your child with continuity. As your child grows, you'll need to
change your rules. Avoid making big changes unilaterally. Instead,
when it is clear something needs changing, try to discuss it with
the other parent. Some parents find they can talk about these things
on the phone. Others find it is best to have a parenting meeting and
talk things over face to face. Even if you find you've got to change
one of the rules on the fly, on your own, make sure you let the
other parent know after the fact what has happened.
Cut Some Slack One thing that's certain is that no one can follow
all the rules all the time. So be prepared to cut the other parent
some slack for not adhering to the rules, and be prepared to cut
your kid and yourself some slack too. Once in a while everyone has
to ease up on the rules and that's ok.
This is part of a column called Parental
Guidance "Everything You Need to Know for
Parenting Together Apart" by Brette McWhorter Sember,
a retired
family attorney and mediator and nationally known expert about
divorce and parenting after divorce. She is the author of How To Parent With Your Ex
: Your Complete Guide to Parenting Apart,
The Divorce Organizer and Planner, and many
other titles.
: Your Complete Guide to Parenting Apart,
The Divorce Organizer and Planner, and many
other titles.
