Long Distance and
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Transportation methods and costs for out of state visitation are something that should be decided on in advance. By adding this information to your parenting plan, you can help prevent confusion and disagreements later down the road. If you and your ex will live relatively close to each other, both of you can drive half-way to exchange your child. If a longer distance is involved, flying is the most logical approach if your child is old enough. Generally, airlines won't let children under the age of 5 fly alone, so an adult will have to accompany the child in these instances.
For more information about long-distance visitation, read the following questions and answer:
- How is long-distance visitation handled?
- How far is too far before long distance visitation would kick in?
- Who is responsible for transportation if it isn't in the decree?
- Is time spent flying counted towards the visitation time?
- Would the court approve long-distance visitation for a toddler?
- Will my toddler have to fly if he's only seen his dad one time?
- Can I prevent out of state visitation if he's been gone for 8 years.
- What if he won't allow our son to fly by himself?
- Can temporary orders to split costs be changed in the final decree?
- Can we modify visitation due to the high travel expenses?
- Would a judge make me meet him half way for visitation?
- Can I enforce the clause that he has to meet me half way for visitation?
- How do we change the exchange location so that it's more fair?
- Do I have to pay for travel expenses if my ex moves?
- Will I have to share travel expenses if my ex moves?
- Will visitation change if he moves to another country?
- How is visitation handled if the Dad lives in a foreign country?
How is long distance visitation handled?
Marie's Question: If we get divorced, I want to move to Texas to live with my mother. My husband would want to move to Pennsylvania to live with his family. How would visitation work if we live hundreds of miles from each other? I can't picture sending my two toddlers on a plane to spend summers with him.
Brette's Answer: Visitation can work lots of ways. He could fly down and stay with them. You could both drive and meet halfway. When they are older they could fly to him. You have to commit to helping them have a relationship with him which may mean some inconvenience for you. » Return to top
How far is too far before long distance visitation would kick in?
Erika's Question: My 4 year old daughter's father lives 4 1/2 hours away in another state. He has visitation every other weekend. As of right now we meet half way. This is really taking a toll on my daughter, myself and my car. She does not want to go see him so I argue with her every other weekend to the point where I have trouble getting her into his car. How far is too far before long distance visitation would kick in?
Brette's Answer: That's a long way for such frequent visits. I could see maybe every third weekend, or once a month for an extended length. If she's 4, she's not in school yet, so maybe you could do a 4 or 5 day visit once a month? There are lots of alternatives. Frequent phone calls could be added in or they could Skype. Longer summer and vacation visits too are another way to make up for reducing the weekend visits. If he won't agree, you can seek to modify this and use his move as the reason. It sounds like a reasonable argument.
Who is responsible for transportation if it isn't in the decree?
Faith's Question: The judge signed the decree and stated that I get physical custody and my ex gets visitation every weekend. He lives 4 hours away. Whose responsibility is it to bring the kids and get the kids? It wasn't in the decree.
Brette's Answer: If the decree did not state it and you cannot agree, then you can go back to court and ask the judge to decide. » Return to top
Is time spent flying counted towards the visitation time?
Danya's Question: I have full custody of my 3 year old son and we live in Maine while my ex lives in Seattle. My ex has his first long vacation with my son coming up. He wants to fly back with my son on the red eye and have our son picked up when he arrives so that he isn't "charged" the visitation day. Are the days that a child is returned from vacation on a red eye flight counted as a day of visitation?
Brette's Answer: Perhaps the best way to resolve this is to ask yourself if you would consider this to be time spent with your child if the situation were reversed.
Would the court approve long-distance visitation for a toddler?
May's Question: My child's father lives about 4 hours away. He wants to modify visitation so that it occurs where he lives. I am not agreeing to this as it is too much traveling for a child that is only 19 months old. I am not preventing the father from seeing the child, but he should come here to do so. Is there any chance the father will win this case?
Brette's Answer: The court will consider all the factors - such as how frequent the visits are, what kind of relationship the father and child have, and what has been the plan up until now. I agree that four hours is a long way for a one and a half year old, however, if it was once a month, it might not be a problem, particularly if transportation times can coincide with nap times.
Will my toddler have to fly to visit his dad if he doesn't know him?
Diane's Question: I just found out my son's father is moving to Florida. He has only seen his son once over a year ago. What are the chances of him attempting to get visitation and my son having to visit him? My son is only 14 months old.
Brette's Answer: Your child is too young to go away to stay with a parent he doesn't know. They need to build a relationship together. It is likely some visitation will be set up, but your son is so young he wouldn't have to fly to FL, unless a parent were to accompany him. More likely, your ex would be able to come and visit him in your location and spend time with him there. Frequency will probably depend on his schedule. » Return to top
Can I prevent out of state visitation if he's been absent for 8 years?
Misty's Question: I am going through a custody battle with my ex over our 16 and 13 year old children. Their birth father has not seen them in 8 years, and now all of the sudden he wants to see them because he says that he is dying. He is a convicted criminal and so is his wife. He was very abusive in our relationship and was on crack cocaine. The divorce papers states that he get them every other weekend and different holidays. What can I do? I am very worried about letting my children go with them to another state.
Brette's Answer: Go to family court and ask for a modification that does not allow him to leave the state with them and which reduces visitation or makes it supervised.
What if my ex won't allow our son to fly by himself?
Erica's Question: My ex and my son live in Texas (where our divorce took place), and I moved to Wisconsin to be near my family. Our son is now 9, and I want to buy him a plane ticket to come here for our visitation. His dad won't allow him to fly alone, claiming he isn't mature enough to fly by himself. I have talked to my son about it and he says he will be alright, and I believe he is ready. Is there anything I can do to get my ex-husband to allow my son to fly here (if I pay for the tickets) so that we have more time together?
Brette's Answer: If your ex will not agree (and if you help him understand the assistance airlines will provide to minors I think he might agree), your only choice is to go to court to ask to have your visitation enforced with provision that your child can fly alone. » Return to top
Can temporary orders to split costs be changed in the final decree?
Jeanne's Question: During my temporary orders for a divorce the judge told me I had to pay half the transportation costs for our child to visit her father. How do I change that for the final hearing?
Brette's Answer: If you do not have an attorney, then you need to tell the judge what you are asking for, and make this one of the things you want. You should show that your ex is more financially able to pay for the costs of transportation and that your financial situation is difficult.
Can we modify visitation due to the high travel costs?
Beth's Question: I live in Hawaii and my ex-husband lives on the mainland, but I can't afford the tickets to fly them to see their father. I want to know how often the kids have to go to the mainland on a standard plan and how long are the standard visits.
Brette's Answer: You would look to your custody orders to determine the visits and financial responsibility for them. It's likely you would alternate holidays and he would get some extensive time in the summer. As far as changing the schedule you've got to either get him to agree or go to court for the change. » Return to top
Would a judge make me meet him half way for visitation?
Kim's Question: My husband and I are in the process of divorce. He lives in Florida and I live in Georgia with our child. Now he wants me to travel half way to meet him with the child (13 yr) every other weekend. Will the judge make me travel that distance or is it the fathers responsibility?
Brette's Answer: It really depends on the circumstances. There is no hard and fast rule. How far it is, who can travel the easiest and who can afford it most are questions that will be considered.
Can I enforce the provision that he meet me halfway for visitation?
Lynn's Question: We have a court ordered visitation schedule and he is the custodial parent. We live in two different states, and according to our divorce decree, he is to meet me half way between the two cities every other time. He has refused to do so the last five times. He says it is because he had back surgery eight months ago (even though he drove to Las Vegas last month). If I take him to court, will the court uphold our decree?
Also, my teenage son is getting where he does not want to come because he can do what he wants at his dad's house but I have reasonable rules that he must follow. The dad takes his side and tells me the son is NOT coming. How does the non-custodial parent handle this when the visitation arises and the son refuses?
Brette's Answer: It sounds as though he is recovered from surgery and there is no reason he can't do the driving, so the court would uphold it. The problem is the child's attitude. You didn't say how old your son is. The older he is, the more weight his opinion carries. It is virtually impossible to enforce visitation with an older teen who is unwilling to go, although you can definitely try, particularly since you didn't give an age. If he's 13, you have a much better chance at enforcement than if he is 17. Good luck. » Return to top
Can we change the location where we meet up so that it's more fair?
Hilary's Question: I received permission from the courts to move to a new state with my child. In the order I said that I could try and help out my daughter's father with driving to a certain location. However, driving that distant has caused a burden on me since my round trip is almost 6 hours and his is only about 2 hours. I ask him if I we could meet at a location that would be half way for both of us. He made all kinds of excuses and pretty much said no. I told him that I would do what it takes because I can't handle the drive any more. Do I need to go back court, or can I tell him that I will only meet at the half way point? Should I get a lawyer?
Brette's Answer: If you can't agree, you can either file for a modification yourself or tell him what you're willing to do and wait for him to take you to court. If you can afford to do so, it looks better for you to seek the change.
Do I have to pay for travel expenses if my ex moves?
Valerie's Question: My ex moved out of state and now wants me to pay for and make the travel arrangements for his visitation with the children. Is this considered reasonable and can I be penalized if I refuse? The original orders states that the father pays for visitation. Will the court order me to pay for the out of state visitation?
Brette's Answer: Since he is the one who moved, I do not think a court would find it to be reasonable to expect you to pay for and arrange travel for your child. » Return to top
Will I have to share increased travel expenses if my ex moves?
Anne's Question: Two summers ago my ex moved across the country for a job. Prior to the move, we had been meeting half way to allow for his visitation with our children. In our decree from nine years ago it said that we would share transportation costs. Now that he is half-way across the country that puts a burden on me in both money and time. Do I have to get a lawyer to change the decree?
Brette's Answer: If you want to change this and he does not agree, then you need to get the order modified. You don't necessarily need an attorney, but you do need to go back to court.
Will visitation change if he moves to another country?
Stacy's Question: The non-custodial parent wants weekend/summer visitations to occur as usual after he moves to Mexico. Do I have to allow this?
Brette's Answer: No. If he moves, it changes things. You can either negotiate a new plan - for example summer visits might work out but weekend visits on a regular basis might be harder, depending on where you live. If you can't agree, you'll need to return to court. » Return to top
How is visitation set up if the Dad will be living in another country?
Celia's Question: My husband has been living with us in the US for about half of the year for the past 4 years. He says he will move back to his home country if we get a divorce. Obviously it would be difficult for the kids to be with him on the weekends. If he chooses to be there half the time and here half the time as he does now, how would custody be worked out. Would I have to send my kids out of the country to follow him?
Brette's Answer: You need to think creatively. Your husband could travel here and visit them for a period of time each year. You could plan for them to spend summers with him. They can talk on the phone, IM, email, and text each other to stay in touch. The key is to find a way for them to maintain a relationship while still allowing them to have a sense of permanency in one home. » Return to top
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Your Feelings About Visitation
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Brette Sember is a former family and matrimonial attorney and mediator, nationally recognized expert, and author of many books including The Divorce Organizer & Planner, No-Fight Divorce, and How To Parent With Your Ex. 
This column provides general information about the various aspects of divorce. It is not intended to take the place of legal counsel and should not be considered personal legal advice. For specific recommendations concerning your situation, please retain experienced legal counsel. WomansDivorce.com and Brette Sember disclaim any liability from any claim arising from any information contained in this column. This column is not a substitute for legal advice.
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