Child Visitation Rights
Answers From The Expert
Ask most divorced parents about child visitation rights, and you're likely to hear some discontent about the situation. The following answers from the life coach and legal expert may give you some insight to your own situation.
Child Custody and Visitation
Inconsistent Visitation
Visitation With An Absent Parent
Changing Visitation
Child Visitation Environment
Visitation Safety
Supervised Visitation
Child Refuses Visitation
Custodial Parent Rights
Child Custody and Visitation
What is a reasonable visitation schedule for an infant?
Rachel's Question: My daughter is 9 months old. After we separated, I moved back to my home town 80 miles away and delivered our daughter here. Our divorce is almost final, but we can not agree to a visitation schedule. He has been seeing her every Sunday for 3-4 hours at my home since her birth. I returned to work 2 days a week when she was 6 months old, and he started spending 10 hours with her at my home on one of my work days.
Now he wants his one weekday for 10 hours plus 3 weekends a month for 6-8 hours on both days (with a break for nap/breastfeeding). Is this a "reasonable" visitation schedule for an infant? I don't think it is best for an infant to be shuttled 160 miles round trip for visitation. It is my hope that we could change to every other weekend here at her home.
Brette's Answer: I think that is excessive for a child so young. I think it is wonderful that you've agreed he will have her one day a week while you work. What about letting him have the other day while you are at work? I think alternate weekends would be sufficient. If he comes to your house the days you are working, I think it is reasonable for her to go to his house 2 weekend days a month - that is a fair compromise. She does need to learn to go to his home and become comfortable there. » Return to top
Is it true that a child can't stay overnight until they are 3 years old?
Amy's Question: Is it in any standard custody order that a child may not stay over night with the father till they are 3 years of age? My sister-in-law is claiming this is the law and my brother is crushed so I would like to see if there is any truth to this.
Brette's Answer: Each order is different. Your brother needs to read what the court ordered in his specific order.
What rights does he have with shared legal custody?
April's Question: I divorced my ex in 2006, and we have a six year old child together. My decree states that I have sole legal custody in regard to the child's best interests and parties agreement. Above that it is check-marked that we are to share legal and physical custody per "parenting plan". What rights does that give him? My son started kindergarten this year and the school says that if my ex goes to the school to pick him up, they would have to allow it. My child has no clue who he is. He has not had any contact and only provides support when he is able to keep a job. He also stated in court that he wanted no future contact. What rights do I have? He had his chance to get to know his child and he failed. He doesn't deserve to see him, whether or not he wants to. How do you just walk out of your child's life at 17 months old and then decide 4 years later you want to know him.
Brette's Answer: Sole legal custody means you have decision making power about medical and education decisions. I don't understand how it can also say shared legal, since that is a contradiction. Shared physical custody means there should be a parenting plan established. If you don't want your ex to be able to access your child from school, you need an order that specifies when, if at all he is permitted visitation. If he has none, you need an order that says that. That will provide protection. So seek a modification. I have to tell you though I think your attitude is not the best for your child. I understand your anger and resentment, however people make mistakes and people change. It is possible to walk away from your child and realize your mistake and come back and be a real parent. Your child deserves to have two parents if possible. Good luck. » Return to top
What happens if one of us doesn't take the parenting class?
Gina's Question: My husband and I have filed for divorce. We are required to take a parenting class along with our 2 children. It says we have 45 days to take this class or our case could be dismissed. What happens if one of us doesn't take the class. Can we be held in contempt for not completing it?
Brette's Answer: The person who does not attend is the one who will face contempt charges. It's likely the court would give that person another chance to complete it first though. Good luck.
Should I modify visitation if he hasn't taken the parenting class?
Lajoyce's Question: When I divorced, the judge gave me physical and legal custody. He put a stipulation in the divorce for my ex to get visits as long as he calls 48 hours ahead. No overnights until he completed the parenting class for divorced parents. To date he has not completed the class but is drilling me for visits. I remind him of the class he needs to complete and he twists my words to say I AM REFUSING TO LET HIM SEE the kids. I don't know where he lives or if he even has a car. I would like for the kids to spend some time with him and I have offered to set up visits at my moms when he takes the class. Should I modify the visitation because he's giving me a hard time?
Brette's Answer: You don't need to do anything. He hasn't complied with the terms of the order and is not entitled to visitation. Period. If you want visits to take place, keep doing what you are - offering him a safe place to see the kids. If he chooses not to accept, it's his problem. » Return to top
Will my custody papers be enforced if he threatens to keep our son?
Theresa's Question: My son is 3 years old, and I have sole physical custody. His father takes him for 4 weeks each summer and lives 5 states away. He is threatening not to give him back. Will my divorce decree and custody papers be enforced in another state.
Brette's Answer: Yes they will be enforced. Based on that threat, you can seek to have his visitation reduced.
When Your Ex Doesn't Comply With the Visitation Schedule
Melissa's Question: Our divorce decree states that my ex gets the kids for 2 weeks out of every summer, but I have always been lenient since he is in the military and does not see them any other time during the rest of the year. This year I let them go for 4 weeks, and when I tried to ask him where we should meet to pick them up (he lives 5 states away) he said he was not going to let them come home for 3 more weeks! What can I do to get them back?
Brette's Answer: You can file a violation with the court that ordered the visitation. You could also contact the police or perhaps his commanding officer and show them the order which he has clearly violated. » Return to top
What can I do if my teenager refuses to come home from visitation?
Cindy's Question: I have sole custody of our 17 year old son. My ex of 3 years has visitation and is letting our son run around all hours of the night with no supervision. My son went to visit his dad four months ago, and refuses to come back home. What can I do, and how can I keep my son at my house. My ex lives only 2 miles away.
Brette's Answer: At age 17 there is not an awful lot you can do. Even if you go to court for violating the order and the judge orders your ex to bring him back, making your son stay is difficult. You can try going back to court if you want to try something.
We share custody, but he won't let me see the kids unless he is there.
Katie's Question: My ex husband and I have 50/50 joint custody, but my kids primary residence is his home. He is mad at me because I wont get intimate with him, so now he won't let me see my kids unless he is there. Their grandmother watches them during the day. If I go pick them up at there grandmas, can he turn me in for kidnapping?
Brette's Answer: If he is interfering with your right to visitation, then you should file a violation in court. Doing this is called custodial interference and can be the grounds for a change in custody. If you pick them from his mother's house, he cannot say you kidnapped them if you are exercising your court ordered visitation rights. I think you need to go back to court to get this straightened out. » Return to top
Can the custodial parent decide who visits the child in the hospital?
Maria's Question: My boyfriend's daughter is very sick and will have to be in the hospital for a while. Since her mom has sole custody she often threatens my boyfriend about him not been allowed to see her at the hospital. Can the custodial parent decide who can visit child while admitted into a hospital?
Brette's Answer: It sounds like the daughter is a minor, and in that case, it is up to her custodial parent. I would suggest you try to talk with the mom in a calm and reasonable way and suggest some short visits.
Can he stop me from seeing my daughter if there is no court order?
Samantha's Question: If there is no court order in place, can one parent stop the other one from seeing the child (my daughter's father is refusing to allow me to contact her. I have been her primary care giver since birth, we have a parenting plan which he has gone against, but it was not lodged with the court)?
Brette's Answer: If there is no order of custody, each parent has an equal right to the child. You need to file an emergency petition for custody it sounds like.
Do I have to give him my address if I only have visitation?
Darlene's Question: I am moving 25 miles from my son who lives with his dad. His dad has sole custody and I have visitation rights, but he says I have to supply the address even though I am willing to give him phone numbers where I can be reached. He has driven by my apartment everyday several times and I will be moving in with a guy who is in my life. Do I have to give him this information?
Brette's Answer: If you feel he is harassing you, then you can wait for him to take you to court and you can explain to the judge why you don't want to disclose the address. The judge might decide not to give him the address. He might also decide he can have it but could put a restraining order in place ordering him to stay away.
Can I pick up my kids if my sister-in-law has temporary custody?
Ashlie's Question: Can I legally pick my kids up from their fathers sister if she has temporary legal custody if there have been no visitation right established?
Brette's Answer: If she agrees to visitation, then yes. If she does not agree, you need to seek to have the temporary order modified to permit visitation. » Return to top
Can we vacation out of state if it doesn't interfere with visitation?
Mimi's Question: I have sole physical custody of our son and we have joint legal custody. Father has a visitation schedule. Am I allowed to take my child out of state for a vacation, if it does not interfere with visitation?
Brette's Answer: If your court order does not say you can't, then it shouldn't be a problem. It's always nice to notify the other parent as to where you're going. Am I obligated to let the father have them for a whole vacation period?
Gloria's Question: If I have full custody of my kids, do I have the obligation of letting the father have them for a whole vacation period? Do I have to let them go or not?
Brette's Answer: It depends on what your court order says. If he has time with them as agreed, it is only if you agree. If specific times are ordered you are required to send them on those days. » Return to top
What can I do if he's alleging that I denied visitation?
Paige's Question: My husband's attorney is filing a contempt of court saying I denied visitation, which is not true. He did not show up, and this is documented. What can I do to prove my openness to the visits?
Brette's Answer: If you have any witnesses - people who were there when he didn't show up, they could testify for you. What you need to be careful about is the fact that him not showing up doesn't quite prove your case. He could be alleging you told him not to come and therefore he did not. It's going to hinge on what evidence he has. This is going to come down to a he said she said situation and the judge is going to decide who is more believable. If you can show a pattern of him missing visits, that would be helpful. If you can show via a calendar or journal that you were home waiting for him for each visit, that would help. You can tell the judge how important you believe visitation is and how think it is important for your kids to have a relationship with their father and that you would never stand in the way of that. » Return to top
Can I control visitation if there are no custody orders?
Jess's Question: My daughter is 2 and her father's name is on the birth certificate. We have never been married and there are no custody papers, but I allow him to see her whenever he wants. He is falling back into old drug habits, and I have been told I can limit his visitation to the amount of time that I feel is in my daughters best interest and/ or limit the visitations to supervised. What should I do in this situation?
Brette's Answer: You need to get an order of sole custody so that you can protect yourself. You both have rights to your child at this point and without a court order, you have a problem if he takes her and refuses to bring her home since he is also her legal parent.
Can I refuse visitation if I feel that he is mentally unstable?
Suzanne's Question: My ex and I have a temporary visitation agreement for our three year old daughter. He has Wednesdays and every other weekend. The Wednesday visit is increasingly becoming disruptive to our child's schedule. The drop off time is too late at night, she is wired on sugar, un-bathed and unfed at 8 PM. I have tried to discuss this with my ex, but he refuses to help or change. He also encourages her to lie to me and is verbally abusive to me on the phone and in front of our daughter. He has a long history of depression, anger management issues and is a drug user. Can I limit or refuse a visitation if I feel that he is mentally unstable and that the child's safety may be in danger?
Brette's Answer: I would suggest modifying visitation so that drop off is earlier - say 6 pm. That way they still have frequent contact, but you can control dinner and bedtime. You should be keeping a journal about every incident that occurs so that you have a record. Calling you names is not a basis to change visitation. Encouraging your child to lie is a concern however, but that's going to be very difficult to prove - 3 yr olds are not reliable in any way. I think you also need to have a provision inserted that says something about schedule changes should not be denied without a compelling reason. You're in dangerous water when you ask about denying visits. You're not a mental health expert and if he doesn't have a clear medical record of issues it's going to look like you're interfering with visitation. I think you need to get an attorney whom you can sit down with and carefully go over everything that has happened, examine what kind of a record exists and talk about how to move forward in a way that will not put you in a tenuous position, but will also protect your daughter. » Return to top
Can I do anything about the visitation if he's a bad influence?
Toni's Question: I have physical custody of my 6 and 8 years olds. Their dad has visitation every other weekend. Sometimes he doesn't get them, other times the kids call early and want to come home because they don't like spending time with him. If he does keep them a whole weekend, they usually go visit his ex girlfriend for a day without him. Last night at my daughters musical he told them that if they skipped school today and spent the night with him, he would let them come home early to go see Santa. He told my 6 year old that it was ok to skip sometimes and it was ok to quit school too. Last winter he had me take them to a psychologist because our youngest didn't like him, he blamed me. The psychologist said they were good well adjusted kids, that they had no problems with me at home or at school and wanted to see him, but he refused. Is there anything I can do? He is being a bad influence on my children and I can't make him realize it.
Brette's Answer: I agree with you that he's not being a good role model, but nothing you've described is enough to take away his rights. I agree that they should not be spending time with his ex instead of with him, so that is an important point that you could use in court should it come to that. I'm glad you took them to a psychologist. I think it might be helpful for him to talk with the psychologist, who might be able to help him realize the mistakes he is making. I think you might try talking to him about whether the schedule really works for him. If he's bringing them home early a lot of the time, maybe he would like to change the schedule to just Saturday every other weekend or maybe one weekend a month. Then he might have a greater attention span when they are there and there might be more to do. His stupid comments are in fact stupid, but it's not up to you to point that out to him. You are a good role model for your girls, so continue to be that. If you need to take the kids back to the psychologist, do that, should things get worse. » Return to top
What can I do if he refuses visitation with our oldest child?
Wendy's Question: Our oldest daughter has sever epilepsy & since right before school her father said she could not come back over until she seeks counseling. Well we did that & he still will not see or speak with her. However our other child who is younger goes to see him every other weekend & now she is starting to hate her older sister. This is killing the other child. Can I refuse to bring my youngest daughter to him on his weekend? I'm really wanting him to bring me to court because I can not financially afford a lawyer right now.
Brette's Answer: I think it is hurtful and damaging that he will not see your older child. While courts cannot force visitation to take place, I think a judge would be very interested in this situation. If he is in fact trying to turn your youngest against your oldest, the court might order some counseling to get this straightened out, or in extreme circumstances, curtail visitation with the youngest.
If you refuse visitation with the youngest, you place yourself in the dangerous position of causing parental alienation (which can eventually be the basis for a change in custody). I can understand why you might not want to continue visitation. If you stop visitation, this would be a reason for him to take you back to court. You could seek to modify your visitation order yourself and you don't need an attorney - just go to Family Court. » Return to top
Do I have to allow visitation if he hasn't seen our son for 7 months?
Pam's Question: I was granted sole custody of my the 2 year old son this spring. He never sticks to any arranged visitation we set up and he has not seen his son in 7 months. Now he wants me to "hand our son over" when it is convenient for him. Do I have to let him visit our son?
Brette's Answer: If there is no indication in the order about visitation, you're not required to do anything. However, I would caution you against denying all contact since parental alienation can be justification for a change in custody. Instead, try to work out some short visits at a time and place you feel comfortable with.
Will he get visitation rights because I've filed for child support?
Leanne's Question: I recently filed for child support against my ex. I have a permanent restraining order against him because he tried to kill me and my unborn daughter. I have several police reports where he threatened to take my daughter and I will never see her again. Once she was born he had an attorney attempt to gain visitation, but my attorney argued it was not in the best interest of the child. It has now been 8 years. My current husband is all my daughter knows since she was 3 months old. I am extremely scared that if the courts award visitation she will be hurt. If he tried to kill her before being born and beat me, why wouldn't he do it now. After all, he has never met or seen her.
Brette's Answer: Child support is separate from visitation. If he wants visitation he has to ask for it. The court will be very interested in the past history in this case should he ask for visitation. I can't tell you what a judge would decide. People can change a lot in 8 years, so there is the chance he might be a different person now. There is also the risk he could be a danger to your child. I think any court that would award visitation would only do so on a supervised basis to begin with. You could certainly seek to have his rights terminated and have your current partner adopt her. Good luck. » Return to top
What can I do to make sure he doesn't get visitation?
Erika's Question: I have had sole custody of my child ever since he was 3 years old (his father signed custody over to me). Then when my son hit 8, his father tried to get custody and the courts found him unfit morally and I still have sole custody. It has been 3 years since that has happened and his father hasn't tried to contact him in anyway; not a phone call or anything since that has happened. Now is there anything I can do to keep him from seeing him at all? Brette's Answer: It doesn't sound to me like you need to do anything. You have sole custody and the father has no visitation rights. There's nothing else you can get. He can always try to seek visitation again in the future but it doesn't sound like he would be successful.
Is visitation enforceable if the other parent is in assisted living?
Connie's Question: My niece is living in a nursing care facility due to an illness that prevents her from living on her own. Since this illness, her husband has divorced her and has custody of their child. He was instructed by the divorce judge to have their son visit his mother every Sunday from 2 pm until 6 pm and every other Wed. from 6 to 8 pm. He only does the Sunday visits when he wants to and has never visited on Wednesday. He also will not let our family see the child. How or what can I do to see that he follows the visitation that was set up?
Brette's Answer: Your niece, or her legal guardian if she is not mentally competent, can file a petition for violation of the order. If there are grandparents, they can also file a petition for visitation for themselves, which would offer a way for the extended family to see the child.
Does she have to go to her grandparents for visitation?
Angela's Question: My ex and I have been divorced since our daughter was 3 years old, and she is now 11. He has lived out of state since the divorce and we still live in the same state where my family & his family live. He is visiting less and less, but has his parents pick our daughter up for his visits and he does not come to see her. Our daughter has not liked going for years and even more so now. She has finally told him she did not want to go, but if needed too she would just like to visit with grandparents during the days and come home at night. He is now mad and has called his lawyer. I just would like for someone to tell me if she has to go to his parents when he does not come for visits?
Brette's Answer: Unless his parents have a grandparent visitation order, they technically have no rights. Your ex however does have rights. If your child does not wish to go, you would have to go back to court and have the order modified. Her wishes would be considered and a law guardian or guardian ad litem would be appointed.
I would caution you not to cut the grandparents out of the picture. If they decided to file for grandparent visitation, they could get an order giving them at least what they have now, since they have a continuing relationship with your child. It's always better to work this out amicably with them than to go to court. Why not try to talk to them about how your daughter feels? Try to work out a compromise for the time they spend with her. » Return to top
Do the kids have to go for visitation while their Dad is in Iraq?
Dawn's Question: The Order says that I now have sole custody with reasonable visitation rights for our two children, ages 13 and 14. Over summer vacation, they are suppose to go to me ex's house every other week. Their dad is in Iraq now. The children don't want to stay on a weekly basis over the summer. Do I have to make them?
Brette's Answer: Visitation is with their father. If he's not home, they don't go. If, however, you are talking about his parents, it is a good idea to continue some kind of relationship with the grandparents for your children's sake.
What if he drops our daughter off with his family during visitation?
Rachel's Question: If I have sole physical custody, and when he has visitation, can I make it so that he has to spend that time with her and him not pawn her off on his family?
Brette's Answer: The problem is this is a fine line. It is acceptable for him to take your daughter to visit his family during his time - when else would she see them? It's not ok for her to spend all the visitation every single time with them and not him. You can ask for a modification to specify that the majority of time is to be spent with him. » Return to top
Should visitation be altered if he isn't spending time with our kids?
Question: My ex recently got visitation rights ordered by the courts every other weekend. I noticed some things that I packed for my daughter over at his uncle's house and was given the impression that the kids spent the night with him. What can I do to get my ex to spend time with his children instead of pawning them off on his uncle?
There is also drug use at him Mom's house and his girlfriend also uses. My son has even demonstrated on how you take a blunt and roll it up and then smoke it. I know he is only 3 in a half years old. But would a 3 year old make up something like that?
His girlfriend also has a child and she has supervised visitation rights because my ex boyfriend choked her son. I have temporary custody of the kids as for right now, and there is a restraining order on him. What are his chances of getting full custody of the kids?
Brette's Answer: What you've shared is definitely concerning. I think you need to file a motion to have visitation altered. If he is not actually spending time with your daughter, then he needs to be ordered that visitation time is to be spent with him. The smoking incident is a serious problem. You need to ask to have a law guardian or guardian ad litem appointed to look into this situation and report back to the court. It sounds like you need a full hearing where you can call witnesses and present evidence. You are going to need people to come in and testify to this. For example, his uncle will need to be subpoenaed about whether the child is staying with him during visitation. » Return to top
Do siblings have visitation rights?
Kris's Question: My dad has been divorced from his ex for many years. They decided it was better on the kids if he didn't see them ever again, so I do not know my half siblings. I am trying to find them and it seems to me there are probably rights of the divorced adult children. Am I correct?
We have found my dad's ex. I thought perhaps if I was aware of the laws governing divorce in her state and governing the children I might have some leverage with her if I do decide to contact her. Could she do something legal against us for trying to contact her or her kids?
Brette's Answer: The sibling relationship is an important one. Few states have laws that automatically give rights to siblings, though. You can read about the few that do here: http://www.divorcesource.com/research/dl/visitation/97may85.shtml.
The problem in your case is that you have absolutely no relationship with these children at all, since you say you've never met them. In a situation where you already established a bond, a court would be much more likely force visitation.
I think the best way to handle this would be to contact their mother in a friendly and non-threatening way and say you would like the opportunity to know them. If you call her up and start quoting legal precedents, you're going to put her on the defensive. Instead, call and be non-threatening. Make it clear you don't want to intrude or make things difficult, that you're not involved in whatever happened between her and your father, and would like a chance to get to know your siblings. The friendly approach is the way to go with this one. » Return to top
Should my boyfriend be seeing his kids every day of the week?
Kelly's Question: My boyfriend has told his wife he wants a divorce, but he continues to go to her house every time his girls cry for him. They are only 4 and 6. Am I being selfish or is he wrong to run there everyday of the week?
Brette's Answer: The kids are at a vulnerable age right now and the separation is probably difficult for them. If he wants to be an involved father, it's good that he's willing to make time for them when they need him (although he should not let it become a situation where his kids call all the shots). It's also a good idea since it will help him obtain a better parenting arrangement if he shows he wants to be involved.
Have they come to spend time at your house or wherever he is living? That should be part of the transition. As they become more accustomed to seeing him somewhere else, the separation anxiety should ease. I think you need to be careful not to frame this as a choice between you and his kids, because I can guarantee you will lose. Instead, why not try to be supportive? Invite them over, get to know them and try to become a part of their lives. This difficult time will pass if everyone can have some patience. Getting to know the wife and developing a civil relationship with her is also a good idea. Good luck. » Return to top
Inconsistent Visitation
What can I do if my ex keeps letting my son down?
Wanda's Question: My ex often doesn't show up for visitation and doesn't call our son. He said that he doesn't show up because our son has an attitude with him. What's worse is that he won't answer the phone when my son calls him, and won't return my son's calls. What can I do so that it doesn't affect my son?
Brette's Answer: I know that it is hard to deal with this kind of thing when you think your ex is being a jerk, but as you've seen, this kind of situation is difficult for your son. I would suggest you ask your ex to meet you for coffee. Sit down together in a friendly way and try to find out what the problem is. Is the visitation time inconvenient? Is there a better time? Have he and your son had problems? Try to get to the root of the problem then try to find a solution that will work for both of you. » Return to top
What can I do if he always cancels visitation at the last minute?
Eva's Question: My ex and I have been trying to work out the every other weekend thing, but he commonly calls the night before HIS weekend to say that he has to work late (voluntary over time) and can't take the kids. This isn't fair and I'm having to change my plans to accommodate him. Can I tell him he can't get the kids until the court hands down the schedule since he is dictating visitation at his convenience?
Brette's Answer: I think you should have a calm and non-confrontational discussion with him about what you just told me. Explain to him that you have plans also and it's not fair for him to call you the night before with a schedule change. Set up a rule about schedule changes - agree they must be made 3 days in advance (or whatever works for you). Stopping visitation is not the answer - you're punishing your children then for his stupidity. Instead, try to set up some guidelines you can both follow. Tell him that visitation is very important and you really want to make it work.
What if he filed court papers saying I violated the visitation order?
Koal's Question: After out divorce, my ex would have visitation when he felt like seeing the kids, which I think was twice in one year. He hasn't seen them in 2 years and the youngest has NO idea who he is. He has a very long abusive record, and at this point I am terrified for my kids to be with him. He has filed papers saying I'm in violation of a court order saying I DON'T let him see them. That's not true at all because he hasn't asked to see them in 2 years. What should I do?
Brette's Answer: Tell the judge the truth. Ask that a law guardian be appointed to represent the children. » Return to top
What can you do if your ex doesn't fulfill his visitation requirements?
Anne's Question: What do you do when an ex won't fulfill his visitation requirements? He never sees the children, even though two different children therapists have met with him to stress the importance of structure. He only wants them when it suits him, and of course to take them 2 weeks in the summer to visit grandparents they only see once a year. He is now refusing to allow me to take them on any type of trip anywhere! My lawyer tells me that he is holding me hostage and I need to take him back to court. She also says that there is no way to force him to fulfill his visitation. What can I do?
Brette's Answer: Your lawyer is right. You can't force someone to use their visitation time. It sounds like you have bent over backwards to try to get him to stay involved and it's unfortunate that it hasn't worked. You're a good parent for trying to keep him involved in your kids' lives. I agree that you can't let him dictate what you do. You should be allowed to travel with your children and the court would certainly allow that. As to whether or not he should be able to take the kids to visit his parents, you need to do what you think is best. It's good for children to know their grandparents, but this kind of once a year contact can be difficult. What does the therapist think about it? I would want to get that information before making a decision if I were you. Going back to court is always difficult for children, but it sounds like the current situation is also difficult for everyone.
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Visitation With An Absent Parent
How do I help my child understand her father's absence?
Darlene's Question: My daughter is almost 5 years old and will be going to kindergarten this fall time. She has not seen her dad in almost a year now and really misses him. How do I let her understand that even though that her dad does not call or come and visit with her, that he may still love her. I want to let her know that I am here for her and I will not leave her side. How do I explain to my daughter the best I can that she is not alone even though she does not see her dad.
Brette's Answer: I know you're in a tough position and I think it's wonderful you want to help your daughter through this. You're on the right track. You have to tell her that he loves her and she is important to him, but there may be reasons neither of you know about that are preventing him from visiting her. Don't make anything up, but be honest that you just don't know why. Tell her it is not her fault and she has not done anything that is keeping him away. Remain positive when you talk about him as much as possible and stress that sometimes adults have problems that happen in their lives that take time to work through. Tell her how much you love her and how important she is to you. It might help her to see a therapist. In the end, this is going to be an issue she has to work through and if he ever reappears it will be on his shoulders (don't tell her that of course). » Return to top
What are my kid's rights if their father has been absent for 6 years?
Crystal's Question: Ex husband has not visited his children for six years. He does pay child support. He is now claiming I kept him from the children, yet they go to the same school as his other children do, and his mother visits them on a regular basis. The children are 14 & 16 and do not want to visit him because he is a stranger to them. What legal rights do the children have?
Brette's Answer: Unfortunately the system is not built around what the children's rights are. If he hasn't visited in 6 years yet his mother does and he has access to the children, he's put himself in a pickle. The kids are old enough that what they want will be very important to the court. It sounds to me as if he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Can I stop visitation if he hasn't seen our son for over 2 years?
Shannon's Question: It has been 2 1/2 years since my 4 year old son has seen his father. His father calls out of the blue and wants to see him. Is there anything I can do to stop him? He pays child support off and on, but I would gladly give it up.
Brette's Answer: Your son needs to have a relationship with his father. He hasn't seen him for 2 years, yet it sounds like your ex has attempted to make contact and you have discouraged him. The more he sees him, the stronger their bond will be. I would suggest you encourage your ex to come spend some time with your son at your home or that of a relative, so that they can become reacquainted with each other. Encourage your ex to make regular visits. Explain to him how important it is for your son to have a father in his life.
If you drive him away, you will one day have to answer to your son. At some point he is going to want to know his father and will find him on his own. His father may then tell him that you kept them apart. That's a tough one to explain. » Return to top
How is visitation handled when the kids don't know their father?
Amy's Question: My daughter is six and my ex never tried to have visitation with her in the past. Now all of a sudden, he wants to start having her every other weekend, split holidays, and one evening a week. He lives 2 hours away, and she doesn't know him at all. How likely is it the judge will let him start having her every other weekend?
Brette's Answer: The judge will look at the entire situation, including his relationship with her and make a decision based on that. In general, it is a good thing for children to have relationships with their fathers, however I can understand your concern about too much too soon. If you are concerned, you need to be prepared to show he has no real relationship with her. If you have concerns about his ability to care for her, you need to share those. It's likely the court would order a gradually increasing schedule that would allow her to get to know him over a period of time. For example, overnights would not make sense for many months. You should request that a Law Guardian or Guardian ad litem be assigned to the case. This is an attorney who will represent your daughter and give the court her perspective. » Return to top
My daughter just met her real Dad and is afraid to visit him?
Jessica's Question: My 10 year old daughter just met her biological father 5 months ago, and they are attending supervised visitations. My daughter does not want to continue seeing him because she is scared of him and want no contact with him. He lives in El Paso and we live in San Antonio. What advice can you give me?
Brette's Answer: If I were the Law Guardian in your case, I would want to find out why she is afraid of him. What has happened? Is this due to something that happened in visitation or is it a reaction to the way that you feel about the visitation? I would recommend some therapy sessions to get to the bottom of it and possibly bring Dad into the sessions to try to develop a healthy relationship.
There's no question that suddenly meeting your father at age 10 and then going to a strange place for supervised visits is going to be really difficult for a child. That however, is not enough of a reason to cancel the visitation. Instead, you need to find a way to help her through it. I really think therapy is the answer. It takes time to develop a relationship with a parent you've never met before. You should talk to him about this and find a way to work together to make things better for her. Good luck. » Return to top
Does my son have to visit his dad if there's been no contact for years?
Angela's Question: I separated from my son's father due to his drinking and drug abuse when my son was 2 years old. Initially, he had some contact with our son, but it was always sporadic. I have since moved and am in a relationship with another man who he calls dad. In my son's own words, my ex is his biological father and my new partner is his real dad because he does things with him and is here for him all the time. Last week I got a letter basically asking for contact with my son and offering to start paying child support. My son is 12 years old and he said he did not want to see his dad. What should I do?
Brette's Answer: There are several considerations. First of all, your son's wishes are important and because of his age, they will be considered by the court. As the parent though, you need to think about your son's future and what the implications are for him to have no relationship with his biological father. This is often detrimental for children. It's important to understand that the bond your son has with your partner is wonderful and sounds so healthy for him, but having some contact with his biological father won't impact that. He can continue to have that bond and still have some kind of contact with his biological father.
If you and your son do not want any contact, you need to hire an attorney and go to court and present your case. It's likely the judge will talk to your son to get his input. The court will make a decision that is in the best interest of your child. Courts generally do not suspend all visitation rights unless there is a serious emotional or physical danger to the child. I'm very concerned about the substance abuse issue, and this is something you definitely need to bring up in court. If he is still addicted, it may not be safe for your child to be with him.
I understand how difficult it is to feel like a man has completely abandoned you and your child and left the entire child-rearing to you, and then to have him suddenly show up and want to be involved. It can feel very frustrating and can seem like a huge imposition. You're right to be angry and upset, but as a parent you need to think about your son and his needs. It's also normal for your son to feel abandoned and angry, but you can't change the fact that this man is his father. At some point your son will need to confront that and deal with it. He deserves the chance to know this man and to make an educated decision about whether he wants him in his life.
If you end up with court-ordered visitation, I highly recommend that your son see a counselor. No matter how this turns out, he is going to need help dealing with his mixed emotions. » Return to top
Can he regain visitation rights after he lost them 3 years ago?
Tanya's Question: If my son's father lost his visits 3 years ago and now files for them, can he still be allowed to have them since it been years his had them? He only shows up only once a year and he owes a lot of child support and never pays it.
Brette's Answer: The court decides based on what is in the children's best interests and looks at all of the current circumstances. I can't predict what will happen, but in general courts try to maintain a relationship between a father and his children.
Changing Visitation
Can we change visitation to make up for losing the mid-week visit?
Lisa's Question: We see my step daughter every other weekend and every other Wednesday for dinner. My husband's ex got married and moved away. It is an hour and 1/2 drive one way for visitation. It is getting to be too much for for my step daughter and for the adults to drive on Wednesday visits now. If we take out our Wednesday visits, what options do we have to make up for all this lost time? We are trying to work this out without lawyers but his ex likes to play the card that she gives us extra time which is not true. If she lets us pick her up an hour early she always says she gets to pick her up an hour early.
Brette's Answer: You could extend the current visits - pick her up on Friday night instead of Saturday and keep her till Sunday. Or add a few hours onto Saturday or Sunday. That seems to be a reasonable way to handle it. Increasing time over the summer or school breaks is another option. Keep a log so you can prove she's not giving you extra time now. Good luck.
How do we handle Christmas if he missed Thanksgiving visitation?
Jennifer's Question: My ex husband is currently in prison and will be released soon. We alternate holidays with our daughter, and he was supposed to have her over Thanksgiving but was incarcerated. Does that mean he automatically gets her at Christmas time since I had her at Thanksgiving? Or do I stay on scheduled and keep her for Christmas?
Brette's Answer: Jennifer - this could really go either way. On the one hand, you had a plan and he didn't follow it. On the other hand, it wasn't exactly within his control (although incarceration certainly isn't a gold star on his side of the argument). How about splitting Christmas Day with him? » Return to top
What if he's demanding more visitation than the court orders?
Monica's Question: Before our court hearing, I was trying to reach an agreement with my ex regarding parenting time, offering him plenty of time with our baby girl (40% of the time). But since he didn't agreed on it, we went to court.
At court "for the stability of the little girl" judge gave me sole custody, on a temporary basis while a parental evaluation is done. Judge also ordered us to work together on an agreement regarding parenting time and if we did not agreed on one, he would have her the minimum the law states, since she has to have stability (every other weekend from Friday 6pm until Monday morning).
Since he is not working during the mornings, he is demanding that I drive my baby daily to his house in addition to what the judge ordered (every other weekend). So now, she will spend 50% of the time with him. What can I do?
Brette's Answer: Here's the problem about the way you're looking at this. HE doesn't get to tell YOU how this is going to work out. The judge has already clearly said if you can't agree, you're going to get a visitation schedule dictated by law. It doesn't sound like you're agreeing, so that's all you're required to comply with right now.
I am all for cooperating, compromising and making time for both parents, but you've been bending over backwards here and it has to stop. You've got to play some hard ball now. It sounds to me as if you're ok with an arrangement that has her with him instead of daycare when he's not working - and that is terrific. It's always better for a child to be with a parent than at daycare. However, you're letting him manipulate you. Put your foot down and say you will not agree to his requirement that you drive. The judge is on your side here. Tell him exactly what you will agree to and remind him that if he does not agree, he's only going to get the minimum visitation. He'll see the error of his ways pretty quickly. Good luck. » Return to top
Can he change visitation without a court order?
Josie's Question: My daughter has custody of her seven year old daughter and her ex see her every Wed., every other Mon. and every other weekend. He now is telling his daughter that since he just rented a two bedroom house with an attic for a playroom that he feels it is fair that she lives one week at his house and one week at her mother's. Can he do this without the court order being changed?
Brette's Answer: No he may not alter the court ordered visitation unless the mother is in agreement. If he wants it changed, he has to go to court and request a modification. If he violates the order by not returning the child she can call the police and/or file for a violation of the court order.
What can we do if the child is miserable due to visitation?
Jackie's Question: My husband and I have joint custody of our 10 year old great nephew. He has been at our home all of his life. At age 5 we went to court and got joint custody with the father. He gets him every weekend and in the summers. This child is miserable every time he has to go there. His mother is out of the picture. He has told us that he wishes sometimes he was dead. He only wants to stay here with us. Is there anything we can do?
Brette's Answer: You can ask for a modification. Maybe if he didn't have to go every single weekend and all summer he might be able to cope a little better. I also think you need to get this child into counseling. It is not normal for a 10 year old to wish he were dead. I am very concerned about him. Good luck. » Return to top
Would a judge order me to reduce breast feeding because of visitation?
Maria's Question: I am not able to express anymore than an ounce of breast milk, and my son never has taken a bottle. He is now ten months old and still very breast milk dependant. Can the courts force me to decline in the amount of breastfeeding as a result of access?
Brette's Answer: I think you have a very strong case since breastfeeding is recommended for the first 12 months. It would not be in your son's best interest to have to stop. That would be your argument in any case. Good luck.
My ex wants two weekends in a row to get back on schedule
Michelle's Question: My ex has visitation rights for every other weekend. The weekends got switched during vacations and we are on a different schedule because of it. Now he wants them 2 weekends in a row to get on the old schedule. He continues to harass and tell me that he will get them when he wants. What rights do I have to stop him from doing this?
Brette's Answer: Here's how you need to think about this. If your previous switch in weekends meant you had the kids two weekends in a row, then letting him have them 2 weekends in a row now is just a way to even things out and make it fair. » Return to top
Can I ask for a change in the schedule if he's never used his visitation?
Joann's Question: I am the sole managing conservator, and my ex has the standard visitation rights. However, he has never exercised his rights, including extended summer visitation. Since he has never used his visitation, we planned and purchased air tickets and tour packages abroad for this summer. My ex called and wants me to leave the children with him 2 weeks in August in the same country we'll be visiting. I refuse to leave my kids in a third world country, especially when they are minor and cannot speak the language. Now my ex is wanting to exercise his visitation rights and take the kids during our planned vacation time and told me that he will bring the kids abroad himself. Can I stop him from taking the kids abroad during his visitation? Can I not surrender my children's passports to him? Can he apply for lost/stolen passports and get new ones for my kids without my consent? What options do we have?
Brette's Answer: Since he has never used his visitation in the past, you can ask for a modification since you already made plans. I think a court would find it reasonable to change the dates of the access. You can ask that he not be permitted to take them out of the country. He cannot obtain a passport if they already have one and you do not sign off. » Return to top
Can we switch weekends for a special occasion?
Sabrina's Question: I have been divorced for three years now and he has been harassing me for the past year (since I got engaged). We agreed to switch weekends so my kids can be in my wedding, but not two weeks to go and he is threatening to kidnap them so they can't participate. What can I do to prevent this? He stated that if I try to keep them for the weekend he will charge me with kidnapping. Can he do this? I have physical custody and control and he just has visitation rights? Is it ok to still keep them like he agreed or can I get arrested?
Brette's Answer: It sounds like it would be a good idea to get any schedule changes in writing from now on. Since your order probably just says "alternate weekends" there's nothing wrong with you keeping the kids that weekend. If you're nervous about this, you can go to court and seek a temporary order permitting this. It sounds as if he's having a hard time dealing with your remarriage and is trying to use the kids as a weapon against you. You might want to reassure him that he will always be their father and that your new husband will not take his place in their lives. » Return to top
What if he refuses visitation just to be spiteful?
Tecla's Question: I have three children. My oldest is 20 and lives with her Dad, my middle child, 17 lives with me as does my 13 year old. My 13 year old is at his Dad's for the summer. My 17 year old prefers to stay with me. I am going out of town for two weeks and my ex has known about this for two months. He stated that he will not take my 17 year old at all for the two weeks. I don't know what to do? I have no one to watch her and he just told me two days before my trip!!! I am hurting so much for my 17 year old...I would never tell her that her father refuses for her to come over while the other two children are at his house...Help!
Brette's Answer: I suggest you talk with him to find out what the problem is - it might be something that can be solved. Your 20 yr old is old enough to provide supervision, so maybe that is the answer. Or perhaps she could find a friend to stay with? There are lots of possible solutions.
Can he change the visitation schedule whenever he wants?
Debbie's Question: My husband thinks he can make me give up my plans because he wants to take the kids on different night than agreed to in the temporary order. He says that his lawyer told him that it was ok for him to just go ahead and do it. Can he?
Brette's Answer: If your court order specifies the times he is to have the children, you have to stick to it. Usually you can change that if you both agree - the key is that you both must agree. He can't unilaterally decide to change it. You need to document what is happening. Keep a calendar indicating what days he has had the kids and when his scheduled times are, so that if you need to go to court to straighten it out, you have proof of what has been happening. » Return to top
Is he in violation if he takes a vacation without the kids?
Maria's Question: My custody agreement includes a clause for 2 weeks of vacation for each parent with our without the children. My ex took a two week vacation without the kids, trying to pass it off as an exchange of weekends. He now wants to take the kids on a week's vacation and claims that I am violating his rights. His behavior in the past around vacation time has cause serious upheaval in the children's lives and I want to deter him from taking the kids, since I think he will be violating the agreement. Do I have a legal recourse to prevent him taking the kids or do I have to wait until he actually violates the agreement to take him to court?
Brette's Answer: If I am reading your email correctly, he went away for two weeks alone. He now wants to take a week with the children. Your agreement gives him two weeks of vacation. The agreement speaks to vacation time WITH the children and has nothing to do with his own time. If he chooses to go away for two weeks and does not exercise his visitation, that is his choice and his loss. There's nothing you can do about it. I can understand that it screws up your schedule and your children's schedule, but there's nothing you can do about it.
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The Child Visitation Environment
Is it okay if he comes to my house for visitation? Alysa's Question: My ex-husband stays at my house on Wednesday nights so the kids don't have to go to his house (I sleep at my boyfriends). The kids like it because they don't have to pack their things and sleep somewhere else. Is there anything wrong with this arrangement?
Brette's Answer: Absolutely not, as long as everyone is comfortable with it. This kind of arrangement is actually not unusual, especially in the adjustment period. It's a great way to help everyone ease into the situation. I find that most families generally move away from it eventually though. You might find you get tired of him coming into your personal space like that and he might come to feel that he wants the kids to get comfortable in his new home. Do whatever works for you - kudos to all of you for working this out!
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Can he take our baby overnight if he's never cared for her alone?
Tina's Question: I was given full physical custody when my default divorce was granted. My ex disappeared for the initial few months of my daughter's life (she is now 9 months old), and when she was 4 months old, he started coming to see her intermittently a few times a week. He is now threatening to take me to court to change custody because I won't allow him to take her alone yet (he has never been alone with her and has no idea how to care for her). What should I do?
Brette's Answer: Eventually he would be likely be given the right to be with her alone. I understand your concerns about this though. She's too young to suddenly go to his house for every weekend - what a court would do is order a gradual increase in visitation.
What you might consider doing is creating a plan that will gradually allow him to be alone with her. Start by leaving them alone in a room at your home. Then go to the backyard or outside for a little bit. Next, suggest he take her to his house for an hour, or perhaps to his parents' house.
At some point though, overnights are going to be a good idea for her. If he is a good father and cares for her appropriately, it isn't unreasonable to ask to spend some overnight time with her. She's his daughter too. The best way to move into overnights is to do so gradually. After she is used to going to her father's house, I would recommend increasing that slowly, so she spends all day with him. She also needs to be comfortable sleeping there, so start by having naptime there. Then expand it so she is there for dinner and so on. If she loves and trusts him, she will do just fine in his care
I would suggest trying to work this out together if you can. You have to realize he has a right to be in her life, but he has to realize that it takes time to build a relationship and learn parenting skills. » Return to top
How can I make sure that he takes care of her right?
Amy's Question: My ex is taking our daughter with him on vacation for 2 weeks, out of state. He hasn't really be involved with her for 7 months. We are meeting to discuss our daughter, her care, tips, concerns. I want to be sure I am thinking of everything to bring up. I know I can't control what happens while with him, but things like, what is your plan on keeping our daughter from wandering into the pool area when no one is around? If you decide to have a few beers, who will be driving and caring for our daughter. My intent is not to tell him what to do, but to get him thinking like a parent. How do I handle this?
Brette's Answer: I commend you for wanting your daughter to spend time with her father. I can understand your concerns, especially since he is not familiar with her. What you might want to do is have him come over to your house on a few different days and let him see what she is like and what he can expect. He needs to understand her schedule, her needs, and what kind of trouble she could potentially get in. He should not drink at all when he is the primary caretaker and you need to make that clear to him. You could tell him to call you once a day to check in and you could then offer any advice necessary.
It's hard, but one thing you have to remember is that he may not do things the same way you would, but that doesn't mean he's doing it all wrong. Even moms who are married to their children's fathers often feel frustrated when he doesn't do things in the same way she would. You've got to give him the freedom to find his own style and develop his own relationship.
Writing out her daily schedule could be helpful. I would spend a lot of time talking about night time - what will he do if she is afraid or can't sleep? Does he understand she might be up at 6 and ready for the day? I think you're right to worry about a pool. He needs to know he has to go in with her and can never leave her unsupervised around a pool or body of water. Two weeks is a long time to spend together when they haven't seen each other in a long time, so he should be prepared for some separation anxiety - letting her talk to you on the phone should help. He might think he needs to have something planned every single second. Let him know she needs down time - time to just hang around the hotel room or wherever they are staying. Good luck!
Can I limit visitations to no overnights for medical concerns?
Gale's Question: My husband and I are legally separated. We agreed to joint custody with me being the custodial parent. He never believed our preemie daughter has asthma or our other daughter was allergic to eggs (dr. confirmed). He refuses to take the kids to the doctor and has repeatedly not given the inhalers that have been prescribed. Can I limit visitations to no overnights for medical concerns? What options are there for me? I have doctor's stating our children have medical concerns.
Brette's Answer: I think you are right to be concerned. I think you'll need a Dr to testify and proof of what has happened in some of these instances. No overnights makes sense given the situation. Good luck.
What can I do if he gives her foods that trigger her allergies?
Michaela's Question: I have primary physical custody of our child but he has visitation. When he has over-nights at his house, he feeds her berries which she is allergic to. She gets very sick and has red dots all over her body from eating the berries. Is there anything I can do to protect my daughter while she's at her dad's house?
Brette's Answer: Yes. Go to court and ask to have the visitation plan modified to include a provision that he must make his home berry-free. You should take a photo of the allergic reaction she is having. You can also get more ideas by checking out Co-parenting and Child Health Issues.
Will the court make my ex have separate bedrooms for the kids?
Lynette's Question: Is there a law requiring a dad to have a separate bedroom for the children during his visitation? My son sleeps in the living room on a air mattress and my 4 yr. old daughter sleeps in her dads bed. I think they should have their own room.
Brette's Answer: There are not laws about this kind of thing; there are however cases that indicate what a judge should consider acceptable or not. It really depends on the circumstances. No judge is going to deny a person visitation because he or she cannot afford a large home with multiple bedrooms. It is important however that children be adequately cared for. If your ex can afford a bigger house or more beds, you have a position worth pursuing. » Return to top
Does he need his own car seats for visitation?
Cindy's Question: I was told by my lawyer a year ago that my ex needed his own car seats for our children, instead of taking my seats each time. I have been letting him use my seats, but last week he refused to bring the seats to me. He now says he doesn't need to have his own and he can use mine anytime he wants. He also said I better have receipts for the seats, so I do not want to give him the seats again for fear he will keep them just to be spiteful. Does he need to purchase his own seats?
Brette's Answer: Well, it would seem to me to be common sense that he needs his own, although I can't tell you what your state caselaw says. I think any judge would say that he needs to have his own in order to provide adequate care because otherwise where do you draw the line - are you supposed to transfer cribs and high chairs too? If he doesn't have a car seat, he cannot drive the children because it is not safe and it is illegal. I would suggest that your attorney send his attorney a letter saying he must provide his own car seats and you will not give him the children if he does not have them.
Do I have to return my child if my ex is basically homeless?
Jacinda's Question: My ex and I have joint legal custody, and he is the residential parent. My daughter is with me right now for summer visitation, and has actually been here longer at my ex's request. He is in the process of attempting to move to another state. Do I have to send her to a different state, where my ex is homeless, without family, and obviously out of cash (because he wants me to put the money up to change the flight because he says there isn't enough in his account?). What can I do?
Brette's Answer: First of all, if he has residential custody then yes you do have to return her to him, unless you can show she would somehow be in danger with him or being with him would not be in her best interests (if he is truly "homeless" that meets this requirement, but if he is just looking for a new place to live and is staying in hotels it may not qualify). You can certainly try to get a change in custody since there has been a change in circumstances since the last time you were in court. Who pays for the transportation would be decided by looking at who has paid for it in the past. Perhaps you might suggest to your ex that you keep her until he is settled and has a place to live. Frame it as making things easier for him. » Return to top
Can he get weekend visitation if he doesn't have a place to live?
Lara's Question: If my ex-husband has no place to live, do I have to give him our daughter on his visitation weekend?
Brette's Answer: When you say he has no place to live I am unclear as to whether you mean he is between apartments and is currently staying with friends, or if you mean he is completely homeless, living on the street. In the first instance, as long as he is staying at a safe and clean place and your child would not be disturbed by going there, it should be fine. In the second instance, that would not be a good situation. No judge is going to give him weekend overnight visitation if he has no home. If he does settle down and has a permanent residence, then it would be possible..
How is visitation affected if he gets sent to prison?
Sonia's Question: The father of my children is now in prison. Prior to that we had joint custody w/ primary residence as mine. Can he now have visitation rights? Is any previous agreement for visitation affected?
Brette's Answer: The order stands unless you ask for it to be changed. And it very likely would be changed since there has been a change in circumstances. You definitely would get sole legal custody. Visitation is going to depend on how far away he is, what he was convicted of, and how old your children are and how well they would be able to handle prison visits. » Return to top
Risky Child Visitation Situations
Can I refuse visitation if his vehicle lacks the right seat belts?
Amanda's Question: My ex got a truck that only has lap belts in it. He is using booster seats in the front, but I looked it up and it says you can't put children that are 5 and 6 in booster seats with lap belts only. I asked him not to take them on the freeway with them and he told me I can't tell him where he can and can't drive his kids. Can I refuse to let him take them if they are not in the right restraints.
Brette's Answer: You can refuse, but he can then say you're violating the order. You need to get the order modified to reflect this so you won't have any problems. You're going to need to get someone who is an expert to testify about what is legal and what isn't - possibly a state trooper or police officer? Call and ask if they have a car seat expert - most do.
How can I prove that he bullies the children?
Laura's Question: My children are 11, 13, 15. My husband is basically an absent father, but when he is around, he is either in a great mood, or a bully. I feel that between his good moods, we have been living with verbal and emotional abuse throughout our marriage. Bullying is so hard to prove, and so hard to describe unless you are actually there to witness the situation. I'm afraid that lawyers/judges will not realize how devastating it is to my children and myself. Is there some kind of stipulation that can be put in the custody settlement, that allows for my children to be able to call myself or family member if their father is on one of his rampages? I have no way to prove that this behavior exists.
Brette's Answer: I think the best thing would be to get your kids into therapy so that you can have someone who can testify about how his behavior affects them. » Return to top
What can I do if his abusive behavior is affecting our son?
B's Question: My ex keeps our son every other weekend, and I believe that he is becoming more and more emotionally and mentally abusive with my son. Last night he called our son neurotic and doesn't hesitate to speak this way in front of him. He drops in and out of his life, one minute saying he won't be seeing him again and then randomly showing up at his school to pick him up. My son's school is aware of the situation and has an increasing concern, as do I. My son is showing worsening signs of anxiety, and I have come to the point where I feel that I need to protect my son from his Dad. What can I do? I am raising my son alongside my partner (same sex) which is another concern. I do not want my sexuality to endanger my custody and my ex has threatened this.
Brette's Answer: You need to go back to court and get this changed. Visitation is NOT healthy if it is emotionally damaging to your child. You can ask to have visitation suspended while the court figures out what is going on - which may involve a psych evaluation of your ex and possibly one of your child. If your ex got counseling, he might be able to spend time with your son again. The fact that you are partnered with another woman is NOT a factor. It has nothing to do with your ability to parent and is certainly not a strike against you in any way.
Do I have to make them go if one was molested at their Dad's house?
Michele's Question: I have sole legal and physical custody of my 5 yr old twin boys. I learned that one of the twins was being molested by their half brother while all 3 were visiting with their father. Now the older brother is not around the twins, however the they do not want to go to their fathers anymore to spend the night. Do I really have to make them go stay all weekend when they cry and beg me not to make them? The one that was molested still to this day talks about the "bad things" his half brother did to him. Even though DFCS dropped the case, they want me to put the twins in counseling, but won't refer them to a counselor! Please...help me!
Brette's Answer: You can certainly begin a case to limit visitation, or perhaps put some restrictions on it. Your son HAS to go to counseling. Ask your pediatrician for a referral. He will never recover from this unless you get him professional help. » Return to top
Can he get visitation if he's on trial for child abuse?
Stephanie's Question: My daughter's father was recently charged with aggravated child abuse towards his other son, but he has not been incarcerated yet. Is there any way he will be able to have visitation with my daughter?
Brette's Answer: Generally, visitation would be on hold or supervised until there is a conviction. At that point, visitation would be stopped.
Can I request visitation occur someplace other than his home?
Paola's Question: When my husband left last year, he was living with his mother, but he moved out and now he lives with 2 other ladies. We have a daughter that is almost 3 years old, and now he wants to take our daughter over to his new house. They have a lot of parties, and I don't think my daughter will be safe over there, especially since he has never taken good care of her in the first place. Can a judge order him to see our daughter at his Mom's house only?
Brette's Answer: Yes, you can request supervised visitation, or direct that visitation not take place at that residence. » Return to top
Can he get visitation if he's abusive and has a drug conviction?
Leslie's Question: I have a 4 year old son who's biological father left the area after his first birthday. Since then he has had no contact at all with my son or provided any financial support. He has a felony charge of cocaine possession for which he is serving 3 years of probation. He also has a past record of theft.
I contacted him recently to ask if he would sign over his rights to my fiancé, who hopes to adopt my son. Now he is stating that he is going to court to pay child support so that he can see "his" son. He has been verbally and physically abusive in the past, and I honestly fear for all of our safety when it comes to his violent temper. What measures can I take to ensure my son remains with me?
Brette's Answer: This is a difficult situation. Children have a right to know their parents, however if he presents a danger to the child, that is a problem. It's possible the court could order supervised visitation and see how things go. If you are afraid for your safety and that of your child you need to make that clear to the court. All you can do is tell the court your side of the story and present as much information as you can about this man's life history. Ask that a Law Guardian or Guardian ad litem be appointed to represent your child and get an attorney for yourself if you can afford it. » Return to top
Can visitation be modified if he drives drunk with the kids in the car?
Amy's Question: My ex-husband is an alcoholic and has been ordered by the judge to not drink before or during his visitation time with our children (ages 16 and 12). However he does drink when he is with the kids and has driven my youngest son repeatedly while he was drunk. Because he hasn't gotten a DUI and it is basically his word against mine, how can I protect my children?
Brette's Answer: I would suggest you have someone with you during pick up and drop offs who can be a witness if he is drunk at those times. That way it is not your word against his. Your kids are old enough to talk to the judge in chambers or testify about the drinking. You need to go back to court. » Return to top
Do my kids have to testify that their Dad drives during visitation?
Kathie's Question: My divorce degree states that my ex can't consume alcohol while he has visitation with the kids, yet he does. He has had my 12 yr old drive him about. 25 miles home because he was too drunk. This weekend, he was very drunk and physically fighting with someone and trying to get my kids in the truck so he could leave. They didn't want to go with him because he was drinking. My 17 yr old daughter ended up driving him to a convenience store where I came and get them. We left him passed out in the back of a truck and went home. I don't want to make my kids have to testify against their own father but I don't know what else to do. Any suggestions?
Brette's Answer: They may not have to testify. In some states they can talk with the judge in the judge's chambers. The transcript is not available for parents to read. Ask that a law guardian/Guardian ad litem be appointed. How is visitation handled if he doesn't have a driver's license?
Nicole's Question: My ex is trying to get visitation rights for every other weekend. He has no drivers license and has been in jail a couple times for 3 DWI's. It has been 9 years and he rarely calls to see her. If he does get visitation rights, do I need to meet him or should he drive and hour to pick her up?
Brette's Answer: Having a relationship with her dad might not be a bad thing, so maybe you should give it a try. He absolutely cannot drive her, so he needs to make alternate transportation arrangements. You do not have to provide transportation. » Return to top
Can I request he be drug-tested before visitation?
Crystal's Question: My ex was highly addicted to drugs, for which he went through rehab. He now has a new girlfriend and she is known for abusing drugs. They are moving in together and it worries me, because he has visitation every other weekend. How can I be sure he's not abusing again? Can I, being the primary custodian, request that he's tested prior to their visits?
Brette's Answer: Why don't you talk to him first. Express your concerns, but in a non-accusatory way. Ask about the girlfriend - whether she is using and if not, when she stopped. Make it clear you want him to have visitation but that you just want to make sure the kids are safe.
There isn't much you can do on a "what if" situation such as this. You could probably get a court to issue an order that the children are not to be around anyone using drugs and your husband can't use drugs or be high around them, but it doesn't guarantee a thing and is likely to hurt relations between you. You could ask that he be tested for drugs, but the court isn't going to do that before every visit and you couldn't get the girlfriend tested. You may be better to keep an eye on the situation, make your concerns known to him and wait and see. Talk to your attorney and find out how your family court handles these kinds of concerns. » Return to top
Can he get visitation if he has serious mental problems?
Candice's Question: I am scared that my ex will get visitation with my son. His mother told me he has been seeing a psychiatrist since he was 12. He has been diagnosed as bi-polar, and has been told he is borderline schizophrenic. He was put on lithium about 3 years ago, but has not taken his medicine because he thinks he doesn't need it. He has never had my son by himself, and has only seen my son at his parent's house. His parents have always been very good to me and my son, and actually help me with paying daycare each month. I am worried because my ex's parents are trying to get their son to file for custody so they can have my son. Please let me know what the chances are of him getting any kind of visitation, and if his parents can use the fact that they help me with daycare against me.
Brette's Answer: Nothing can happen until your ex actually files papers. The fact that he has not had regular contact with the child makes it likely he will not get what he is asking for. Your job is going to be to present the court with all of this information. You should get an attorney who can help you do that. His mental health is of grave concern. He sounds like a good candidate for supervised visitation.
You should also be aware that the grandparents might seek grandparent visitation. This could be carefully constructed so that it is just for them and not their son and I think you might not have a problem with that then. The fact that they have been helping with daycare is just one factor the court would be interested in. Your attorney could help you reach a settlement with them so that you would not need to go a trial - it sounds as though you could work something out together. » Return to top
Can I restrict visitation if he's addicted to online porn?
Amanda's Question: My husband left me about 5 months ago. I recently discovered his addiction to porn & other very un-healthy on-line activities. I've found unbelievably awful things on his laptop. I have timestamps on when he was on-line watching porn videos. I've even found lots of nude pictures on our computer, of himself & another woman. I'm still on maternity leave & I want to file for legal separation & get child support. Can I limit the amount of visitation, or have him have supervised visits until he can kick his sex addiction habits?
Brette's Answer: The first thing you have to understand is that just because someone watches porn, he is not an unfit parent. I understand you're offended by it and also betrayed, but it has nothing to do with parenting. As long as he doesn't do it around the children and does not create an environment that is not safe for the kids, it really has no impact. You're not going to get supervised visitation awarded because he watches it. » Return to top
How do I handle visitation if he's a sex addict?
Colleen's Question: My husband has a sex addiction which we've been battling for six years. His behavior went from computer porn to sex online, then to phone contact to sex on phone, and finally to meeting strangers for sex. I finally broke out of my codependent stupor, blocked him from the house and started separation proceedings. I want my children to have contact with their dad but I don't see how they can ever be in his home or how he could act in their best interest. Currently he contacts us sporadically for visits (I take them to a public place and stay in the parking lot). He so incredibly angry all the time and is telling people that it is me who is withholding the children. They are dying to see him more and my only boundary is supervision. How do I approach custody with a man who is not in recovery but goes to a psychologist?
Brette's Answer: I think if I were you, I would want a child psychologist or therapist to weigh in on this. I assume the kids do not know what his issues are, but they've got to be wondering why you won't allow him to see them (and he might be pointing a finger of blame at you with them). I would want professional advice on how best to handle this. I agree with you that supervised visitation is necessary, but you don't have to be the supervisor (in fact, it is probably easier if you are not). Is there a friend or relative who might be willing to let him come over and visit them at their home? Visitation in public places is a strain on everyone. I think you need to get some distance between you to reduce the anger, but you also need to find a way for the kids to safely continue to have a relationship with him. » Return to top
Supervised Visitation
Can I prevent visitation if reasonable supervised visitation is ordered?
Jenny's Question: I am the mother of 3 children ages 8, 5, and 1. My husband was an addict and after many stints in rehab landed in prison for possession. While in prison, our divorce was granted and I was awarded Sole Custody with Reasonable Supervised Visitation for him. He has just been released early from prison and claims he wants to be fully involved in the raising of our children. He has both purchased and abused drugs in their presence in the past and has not seen them in over a year. With the award of reasonable visitation, can I dictate if and when he sees them? Is there anyway to prevent him from seeing them until I'm sure it won't do more harm than good?
Brette's Answer: With an order like that, you have to agree for visitation to take place. If you do not agree on what is reasonable, then he can file with the court if he feels you're violating the order. Then the onus is on him to take action, and he might not do anything. You could file to modify the order, but by doing so you open a can of worms.
Can supervised visitation be ordered based on a medical condition?
Adiya's Question: My 3 year old daughter was born severely premature. During the time that she was in the hospital, my ex-husband and I divorced and since that time he has made very little effort to see her. I want to file for sole legal custody but am open to the idea of visitation on the grounds that it is supervised either by myself or a social worker. I am concerned about leaving her alone with my ex-husband because he has no understanding of her medical condition and wouldn't know what to do in the event that she were having an attack. (When she was much younger I sent her to visit him for a couple of hours and he did not give her her seizure medication because he said she was "being difficult" about taking it) Can I get supervised visitation on the grounds that she has a medical condition that requires her to be supervised by someone who understands her medical condition?
Brette's Answer: If I were the law guardian in your case, I would recommend that your ex take the time to be educated about your daughter's condition. I would suggest he meet with her Doctor or at least a nurse from her Dr's office. I would also suggest he take some parenting classes. If he did these things, it is possible he could adequately care for her. Supervised visitation, while necessary in some cases is frankly really hard to maintain. You have to coordinate so many people's schedules and it is generally not a very nurturing situation in which to develop a parent-child bond. I understand your concerns and of course it is essential that she be cared for properly, but he is her father and if you can find a way for them to have a relationship, it will be best for her. I know how you feel - since you divorced while she was in the hospital, you feel as though you've been the only one to care for her and are the only one who knows how. You've been a tremendous mom to get her through all of that and if you allow him into her life (with some guidance) it's not going to take away any of that. Good luck. » Return to top
Can I set the schedule for the supervised visitation?
Cindy's Question: I have custody of my nieces. The maternal grandmother was ordered supervised visits by the court with mutual agreement between both of us. Am I in violation if I told the grandparents time the children are free for visits? Do I have to provide transportation for those visits?
Brette's Answer: It depends on how your order is written. If visitation is specifically set for certain times (such as every other Sunday, for example), you need to make the children available on those dates, unless the grandmother agrees to change. If your order simply says "visits at times as mutually agreed" then you are required only to set visitation at times you both agree. Now, if you make it very difficult or almost impossible for the grandmother to arrange visitation, then you are not upholding the meaning or spirit of the order. If however, you are trying to work it out, but simply have times the children are not available, you're not being unreasonable.
As to transportation, this might be spelled out in your order. If it isn't, you can ask that the order be modified to spell it out. I would caution you however - do you really want your nieces being transported by someone who is under supervised visitation? Is the supervisor willing to do the transportation? » Return to top
I have supervised visitations but still haven't seen my daughter.
Jamie's Question: My child's father has full sole physical custody. After mediation I was told I have supervised visitations, but still have not seen my daughter. It is rare when I get to speak to her and he won't let me know anything about her. I'm a good mother and want to see my child. What do I need to do?
Brette's Answer: Have you tried to set up supervised visits? Does the order specify who is to supervise? If you need to find a supervisor, work on that. Does the order say when the visits are to take place? If so and he is refusing to allow them, you can file for a violation/enforcement. If it does not specifically say and when they are to take place, it might be a good idea to go to court to get that specifically ordered so there can be no confusion. » Return to top
What if he doesn't comply with the supervised visitation?
Nicole's Question: When we settled custody issues, he was only allowed supervised visitation (due to drug and abuse issues), which he has never done. Now he keeps telling me that he is going to sue me because he hasn't seen her. Can I file for him to lose his rights?
Brette's Answer: If he hasn't asked to see her, you have not violated the order. It was up to him to use his visitation. If he's never attempted to see her, he has no ground to stand on. If you file to eliminate his rights, it's likely you will end up with a big fight on your hands.
How can I protect my son if his dad has anger issues?
Crystal's Question: Can I ask that my husband undergo therapy in order to see my child?. He has a lot of anger and rage, and I am scared to leave my son alone with him. We are not divorced yet, so visitation has not yet been determined. My husband has never even kept him by himself before, so would those things weigh on the decisions involved in visitation?
Brette's Answer: Requiring a parent to undergo counseling as well as parenting classes is often ordered by a court. It's likely the court would require a psychological evaluation be done to determine what his condition is and what he needs. None of this will happen just on your say so though. You need an expert to testify as to what is going on and how it affects your child. Also, it's unlikely there would be no visitation at all in the meantime, but supervised visitation is the alternative. The fact that your husband has never cared for your son alone is very important and will be an important factor considered by the court. Get an attorney and share all of this with him or her. » Return to top
Can I get supervised visitation if he takes baths with our daughter?
Tracy's Question: I recently split with my husband because he was mentally and physically abusive the entire relationship and is an alcoholic (drinks every night until passing out). My 4 year old daughter goes every other weekend to visit. She came home talking about how her dad gets in the bathtub with her naked to give her a bath. I try and correct her and explain adults should not be in a bath with a child, but she is telling me it's ok because my daddy loves me. Is this reason for me to push for supervised visitation only?
Brette's Answer: If I were you, I would be concerned. I would particularly be concerned about the drinking - however you did nothing about that and agreed to visitation every other weekend. It's going to be harder to prove since you are not around him often enough to give a lot of evidence. The bathing does sound inappropriate, but inappropriate does not mean abuse. It is a fine line. You could try to talk with him about it first - explain she is getting older and it is no longer appropriate. That might be the best way to approach this. There is no reason to make it adversarial if a simple conversation could take care of it. If not, then you can go to court. I don't think you can get supervised visitation just because of this. Likely, the court would direct him to stop and visitation would continue, unless you have some good proof that he is drunk when she is with him. » Return to top
Can supervised visitation be ordered until the kids are 18?
Mihaela's Question: My husband and I are going through a very difficult divorce and child custody dispute. My husband was ordered to have SUPERVISED visits with the children while he undergoes a forensic psychological evaluation. He was also abusive with me and the children during our marriage. The psychological evaluation determined him to have psychopathic deviate behaviors and also bipolar disorder. My husband also admitted to the psychologist that he stopped taking his bipolar disorder prescribed medications and stopped seeing his therapist. I am hoping to persuade the mediator and the judge that the children will not be safe alone with him.
My husband insists that we should have split 50/50 custody. Given the history of abuse and the psychological evaluation I am adamant that supervised visitation continue until the kids are 18. I am hoping that our custody mediator and the judge will evaluate the psychological report and the one year of supervised visits to determine that it's in the best interest of the children that they live with me and their contact with dad should be supervised. From your legal experience, can you give me some insight as to how this is going to unfold for my children.
Brette's Answer: I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like a difficult situation. The key is going to be working out a plan for supervised visits. Do you trust a relative of his to do it? If so, that would be the easiest situation. I should point out that should he get treatment and take his meds, it is likely a court would eventually allow him unsupervised visits. For now though he does not sound well enough. » Return to top
I can't afford a professional monitor for supervised visitation
Julie's Question: My ex has supervised visitation with my son, but the current monitor does nothing to stop him from discussing the court case, and my child is extremely upset. I have no funds for a professional monitor and my ex doesn't work so if a professional is ordered I have to pay. Can you give me suggestions on where I can find affordable monitoring? My ex made threats against my friends and family so that is out.
Brette's Answer: The Salvation Army runs a supervised visitation program in some locales. You might also try calling your local United Way offices or perhaps your Department of Social Services or Department of Children and Families to see if there is anything else in your area. If not, I would suggest talking to the monitor about what is appropriate. Perhaps there is a friend or family member who would agree to monitor the visitation. » Return to top
Child Refuses Visitation
When visitation interferes with extracurricular activities
Lisa's Question: I am another single mom with a visitation issue and concern. My 9 year old son is expressing a lot of dissatisfaction with having to miss out on his key events to visit his father. He visits his Dad 6 weeks in the summer and one weekend a month. He has made a club level soccer team, which requires more of a commitment. I do not have control of his attendance when he is required to visit his father. My son is very upset because he may be eliminated from the team if he continues to miss games/practices. Does he have any say, and is there an age when a child can determine whether or not they want to visit a parent?
Brette's Answer: It is difficult when children reach an age where they start to have commitments that don't mesh with visitation. A court would weigh the importance of your son's activities against the importance that he stay connected to his father, and it's likely staying connected to his father is going to seem more important. I would suggest you try to find a compromise. Talk to your ex and explain to him how important these games and practices are and see if he might come down for them instead of taking your son to his house all the time. I would also suggest you talk to the coach and explain the situation. » Return to top
At what age can children choose to spend less time with their dad?
Janet's Question: My 2 daughters are 9 & 12. How old must a child be to make a request to the judge that she wants to spend less time with her father? Current schedule is 9 overnights by me and 5 overnights by their dad, on a rotating schedule.
Brette's Answer: There is no law about this. Each state has different caselaw that indicates what kind of influence the child can have on the decision at various age ranges. It depends on that particular child's ability. The decision is never completely up to the child.
The thing to understand is that most kids go through phases where they want to spend less time with one parent or the other. The request in and of itself is not going to be enough. There needs to be some proof that a change would benefit the kids. At 9 and 12, they are old enough to express an opinion, but their opinion is not going to be decisive. If you want a change, you need to show the court why the current plan isn't working and how a change would help the kids. Is this schedule confusing for them? Is it hard to deal with school while going and back and forth like this? Would they benefit from a little more stability? These are the kinds of issues that need to be addressed.
Can a teen choose whether to go for visitation or not?
Victoria's Question: My parents are divorced, and my dad and I don't get along. Can I chose if I want to go to his house on the weekends or can he force me? Is it legal for a teen to chose if they want to go or not?
Brette's Answer: You should talk to your mom about this. Your opinion is very important to the court. However, whether you like it or not, he is your dad and will be for the rest of your life. Cutting him out of your life completely is not the answer. Divorce is hard for everyone involved. I think it would be great if your mom could help you find someone to talk about this - maybe a counselor or therapist. » Return to top
Can I stop visitation if she doesn't want to visit her father?
Susan's Question: I have a custody agreement which puts me as primary care giver of my daughter. Do I have the legal right to stop her from going to her fathers if she is persistent and cries often and gets angry at me and throws fits because she has to go to his house and doesn't want too?
Brette's Answer: No you don't. In fact, it is your responsibility as the custodial parent to encourage her to go and help her work through her feelings. This is not at all abnormal. Most kids have resistance to visitation at some point.
If you give in, you're giving the child control of the situation. Instead, I would suggest several things. Depending on her age, try to find out what her objection is. Then try to create coping mechanisms to deal with those concerns. Get her father involved so he knows what's going on. If you and your ex can work together and present a united front, it will help her get through it.
When Your Child Doesn't Want To Visit The Other Parent
Jill writes: Please give me some help and advice. My 14 year old daughter does not want to visit with her father. He drinks and keeps his house unclean. I have been ordered by the court for her to go, and have gave my lawyer many items to support my daughter's reasons not wanting to. Do I or my daughter have any other options?
Brette's Answer: I think it's terrific that you have made the effort to allow your daughter time with her father. It's also very responsible of you to follow the court order - you don't want to find yourself in contempt of court. Withholding visitation can be grounds for a change in custody, so you don't want to go there. I understand your concerns though. I have several suggestions for you. First of all, you need to know your daughter is not the first and certainly won't be the last teenager who disagrees with a visitation plan. Part of being a teen is rebelling, making contrary decisions, and testing. There were probably times when you were a teenager that you didn't want to spend time with your parents, and it's no different for kids of divorced parents. Your daughter's feelings are important, but as her parent, you have to look at the big picture and see that it is important for her to have a relationship with both of her parents.
Now, that being said, I completely understand your worries about what is happening at his house. If it's at all possible I would suggest you sit down with him in a neutral, no-conflict way and share your concerns. Don't accuse and don't judge. Instead, tell him how your daughter is feeling. Stress that you really want them to spend time together and say you're hoping maybe together you can come up with a way for your daughter to feel more comfortable at his home or with him. The key to this conversation is to try to approach it like you and he are solving a problem together, not as if you are confronting him (and this is not to say you aren't totally entitled to do so, but it's not going to be productive). If his house is a mess, what if he takes her out to eat once a week instead? There are alternatives. You just have to find some that will work.
If this doesn't work, it might be a good idea for your attorney and you to have a serious face to face talk. You need to discuss in detail what your concerns are with specific incidents. To have grounds to change visitation you've got to have some real facts and solid incidents that show he is putting her in bad situations. Your daughter's opinion is important and a court will take into the consideration the opinion of a teen, but by itself it isn't enough. She is still a minor and it's in her best interest to have two parents in her life.
I worked with many families who were in similar situations to yours and I know how difficult and frustrating it is for you. The fact is that you can't change who he is and neither can your daughter. You have to either find a way to work with him or a way to convince a judge that he is not fit to take care of her. And you can focus on helping your daughter cope with whatever outcome you have by having her see a counselor who can help her work through her feelings about her dad. I wish you both the best of luck. ~Brette~ » Return to top
Am I held responsible if my teenager refuses to go?
Linda's Question: My 16 year old son does not get along with is dad and does not want to go to his house for visitation. I try to tell him it is court ordered and he should try to improve his relationship by going and talking to his dad. He still does not want to go. What is my responsibility in trying to force him to go? (My ex has said he'd take me to court on contempt charges). I cannot drag him out the door -- what steps do I take so the court will know I have tried to enforce the visitation schedule?
Brette's Answer:
Dear Linda, I know how difficult your situation is. You're caught in the middle - you want your son to have a relationship with his dad, but you don't want to become the bad guy by forcing him to go. It sounds to me like you're doing all the rights things. All you can do is encourage your son to go. As long as you arrange the visitation times and make your son available, it's unlikely a court would have any problem with what you're doing. Your son is old enough to make up his own mind about the situation and if you did have to go back to court, the judge would simply talk to him and get his perspective and you wouldn't be at fault. No one is going to suggest you have to force him to go at gunpoint.
You might try talking to your son about changing the schedule. Instead of going to stay at his dad's house, what if he just had dinner with him or went to a sporting event one night a week or once every two weeks? I've often found that teens aren't aware that there are options and they simply see the situation as take it or leave it and reject it out of hand. You could also find out what about the visitation it is that he doesn't like. He might have very specific things that bother him that could be changed, for example having to spend time with his dad's girlfriend or not being allowed to see his friends while at his dad's house. He may also be having a typical teenage clash with his dad about rules or responsibilities. Find out what's going on and see if there are any fixes.
I would also suggest you try to talk to your ex yourself and tell him you're on his side and you want your son to go, but that he is at an age where forcing him to go is just going to cause resentment. Talk to your ex about the kinds of options I've suggested above. Tell him that maybe you can work together to find some alternate solutions that will work. Show him you want to make it work. Another possibility is for your ex and your son to see a counselor together to try to get to the root of the problems between them. » Return to top
Can he stop support if my 18 year old refuses visitation?
Diane's Question: My daughter is 18 but still a Senior in high school. I am taking my ex to court to continue the child support till she graduates as he stopped on his own when she turned 18. Does my daughter still have to see him? She doesn't want to as she is not comfortable with him as he drinks a lot. If she doesn't see him can he stop the child support?
Brette's Answer: Child support and visitation are two separate things. Also, visitation ends at age 18 when the child becomes an adult. At that point, it is up to the child and parent to continue their relationship as they wish.
How Can I Convince My Child To Visit Her Father?
Margie's Question: My 14 yr old is refusing to go to her father's house this summer. I know I can be held in contempt, but how do I force her on a plane?
Brette's Answer: Your situation is a common one. As I'm sure you've noticed, teens can be a bit difficult sometimes! I would suggest you find out what about the plan your daughter doesn't like. Is she going to miss her friends? Does she not like going to her dad's house? Find out what the problem is. Then talk to your ex. Get him involved in solving this. What you don't want is for this to become a you versus him situation. Instead, it should be the two of you working with your daughter to find a solution. There may be a compromise that will keep everyone happy - such as your oldest only going for part of the summer. Work together as a family to find a solution.
» Return to top
Can they arrest me if I refuse visitation?
Phylenne's Question: Is there a law that protects a mom from being held responsible for the daughters' refusal to go with dad on visitation? My children refuse to visit their father because they are afraid of him. He has previously used his own flesh and blood for sex for his buddies in the past. I have to represent myself because I haven't found a lawyer who has time for our case. His lawyer said, at the admit/deny hearing, that it is their plan to lock me up at the hearing and pick up my daughters. Their dad is rated 100 percent mentally disabled, and has a record of being involuntarily committed to a psych ward for six months for harassing a woman. Help!
Brette's Answer: If you do not send your children on visitation, it is custodial interference and can be the grounds for a change in custody. Get an attorney and present your allegations to the court about why he should not have custody. Ask that a guardian ad litem be appointed to represent the children and their point of view so that the court can be made aware of why they don't want to go on visitation. Good luck. » Return to top
Custodial Parent Rights
Does he have a right to know how I spend my time with the kids?
Karen's Question: My ex is extremely verbally abusive and controlling. If the kids are with me, he wants to know what we doing 24-7, and will continue to call until I tell him. Do I have to tell him exactly where we are? He keeps threatening to call the police if I don't tell him. What can be done about this?
Brette's Answer: Neither parent must account to the other how they spend their time with the children. You're both independent adults and not beholden to the other. In this instance, I think a phone call by your attorney to his attorney might take care of it. If not, it's clear there are some underlying issues. You might have to go to court to get an order restraining him from calling, or designating the number of calls that is allowed per day. » Return to top
Do I have a right to know where my kids are during visitation?
Julie's Question: I am the custodial parent, and there has never been any court ordered visitation. Do I have the right to know where my ex takes my children, and whom he leaves them with? I feel as their mother I should have the right to know where my children are. If the house burned down with everyone in it, no one would have any idea to notify me, and I would have no idea that my children were harmed.
Brette's Answer: I am concerned first that you have no court order for visitation. You need one, so that there are limits on this situation. You most certainly need to know where they are. They ought to be with your ex, and if they are not on a regular basis, there needs to be a change in visitation. Talk to an attorney. » Return to top
Can he take our son out of state without my permission?
Sharae's Question: My ex-husband and I have joint legal custody and I have sole physical custody. He has our son every other weekend and up to 2months each year for vacation time, but only two weeks at a time. Can he take our son out of state without agreeing with me first?
Brette's Answer: In most states unless there is a specific provision against this, yes.
How can I prevent my ex from taking my son out of the state?
Christina's Question: I have temporary sole custody of my 4 year old son. His Dad picked him up for visitation and flew him out of state to go deep sea fishing, without telling me about his plans. What rights do I have, and can I prevent this from happening in the future?
Brette's Answer: You can go back to court to get the custody order modified to say he can't take the child out of the state without your permission. It's pretty standard language. » Return to top
Do I have a right to know who lives with my ex?
Angela's Question: After my daughter arrived back home from visitation with her father, she told me that daddy had a new friend that stayed with them the entire time. I asked my ex-husband for some basic information about his girlfriend, such as her name, where she lived and what she did for a living. He told me her first name, but he would not tell me her last name or what she does for a living. Don't I have the right to know the people who will be around my daughter? He also refuses to tell me where he lives so I have no idea where they are during the visit. What are my rights?
Brette's Answer: Your ex isn't required to tell you anything about what he does, unless your court order or agreement specifically directs him to do so. I think you should go to court and ask to at least have his address - that is a basic piece of information. If you don't want a girlfriend there, you can ask the court to direct him not to have overnight guests while your child is there. » Return to top
Will a judge dictate who can be near the children?
Lisa's Question: Can a judge put a restraining order on a spouse's lover due to her husbands request to keep the lover away from his kids? Is this legal and should the wife do the same if the husband is found to be seeing someone also?
Brette's Answer: A judge can dictate who can be near the children, particularly if the person in question poses a threat to the well-being of the children or creates a dangerous environment. Sometimes this is done to try to calm things down and allow the children time to adjust to things. You can certainly ask for a reciprocal order if you want. Good luck.
What if his girlfriend spends the night if the parenting plan prohibits it?
Nicole's Question: My ex-husband is using his Christmas visitation for the first time since we were divorced four years ago. He told me he will be taking our daughter out of state for a week with his girlfriend. Our divorce papers say that he cannot have our daughter overnight if his girlfriend is there. My daughter does not want to go and I am really nervous about her being away from me that long especially since she would be on the other side of the country. Can I just refuse to let her go?
Brette's Answer: If that is what he plans and it violates the order you should go back to court and have it straightened out there if at all possible because the last thing you want is for him to call the police and have to try to get them to understand.
Can I stop overnight visits if his girlfriend is sleeping there?
Linda's Question: Do I have any rights to tell my husband that he can not have the kids spend the night with him if his girlfriend is also sleeping there? I do not think it is healthy for them to be staying with another women that is not their mother.
Brette's Answer: Unless your order prohibits it, no. This is a problem a lot of mothers deal with. You're both going to move on with your lives and you may not always agree with how he moves forward. A girlfriend might be something the kids need to get used to, but it doesn't mean she is dangerous. Good luck. » Return to top
How can I prevent my kids from being around his girlfriend
Heather's Question: After 12 years of marriage and 4 children together, my husband told me that he didn't love me anymore and left me for another woman. Now we are getting a divorce, and he wants the children to be with him and this woman every weekend. I can't imagine having my kids be around her, especially my youngest son and my baby girl. Is there anything I can do about this? It drives me crazy thinking about.
Brette's Answer: I know how hard this is. First of all, the amount of time will be decided by the judge, so try not stress over that right now. However, you are going to have to learn to get over your resentment of his girlfriend. As far as the court is concerned, he has every right to have a relationship with her and as long as she is not a dangerous person, it isn't harmful for the children. That isn't to say it isn't difficult for them and for you, but this is something you have to learn to live with. I know that's easy to say but not so easy to do, but it is the reality of your situation. » Return to top
Do I have to let his girlfriend pick the kids up for visitation?
Amy's Question: My ex-husband wants his girlfriend (whom he left me for) to drive our children from my home in Connecticut to Philadelphia, where he lives (a 4-5 hour drive). I am the custodial parent, and I am fine with HIM driving, but I don't know or trust HER. I am trying to "play nice" and he is telling me to get a lawyer.
Brette's Answer: You are not obligated to hand your children over to anyone but him. If he wants to take you back to court, that's his choice, but he will lose. You're not violating the order by refusing to allow this. Now, the other side of this is why don't want to allow this? If you don't trust her, I think that's a good reason. If she has no relationship with the kids, that's another good reason. But is this true or are you trying to just be difficult? I would ask yourself that question. It is good to cooperate with the other parent, but if you have serious concerns about this, then you should stand your ground.
When your ex shifts childcare responsibilities to someone else
Amy's Question: My ex has set visitations with our 6 year old which have been going good until he got engaged. Now our child spends more time with the new girlfriend on visitations than with her father. Is that right or fair to our child?
Brette's Answer: This is a common problem I ran into when I was a law guardian. Some fathers tend to shift child care responsibilities to their girlfriends. Is it right? No. Is there much you can do about it? No. The best plan is to have a calm and reasonable conversation with your ex and simply let him know that your child is interested in spending time with him during visitation. It is also possible that although you are hearing more about the girlfriend than the dad, your ex may be there and involved, but your child is reporting about the girlfriend because she is new. You can't always rely on what your child tells you because it can be skewed and not the whole truth. Talk to your ex in a non-accusatory way and express your concern and try to get a picture for what is going on. » Return to top
Does his new wife have any rights as a step parent?
Krystal's Question: My ex and I have been divorced for over a year and he has now remarried. The three of us do not get along and I don't feel comfortable when she comes to get my kids to bring them to their dad. Do I have to let them go with her? Does she have any rights as a step parent?
Brette's Answer: No. Your ex is the one who has visitation rights. I understand your concerns, however they are married and if you refuse to allow it you're really creating a hostile situation with him. It's your right to do so, but she could be around for many years, so the sooner you learn to cooperate with her, the better for your child. » Return to top
What can I do if the step mom treats my son badly?
Summer's Question: What can I do to keep my 9 year old son from having dramatic visitation with his dad? My son's father had been married to his wife now for about 3 years. She has some serious anger and jealousy issues with my son. There has been times that the step grandmother has cursed at my son over crazy things and she allows this to happen and so does his father. My son's stepmother never speaks to him when he is there and his father and her are always fighting when my son is there over him. He is not allowed to attend his fathers other children's birthday parties. It has really gotten out of hand. What can I do?
Brette's Answer: I think the best way to start to deal with this is find a time to talk with your ex. You need to have a non-confrontational talk with him. Tell him you're concerned about your son and want to work together to help him.
It sounds like there is turmoil in your ex's home. A lot of families experience turmoil. I'm concerned that your son's stepmother seems to have some issues with him. The best way to solve that would be for the entire family to see a counselor together. I wonder if it might be possible for you to get to know the stepmom and become a bit friendly with her? This might help her see that your son is not the enemy. Maybe you could work together to iron out problems.
It's important to remember there is usually two sides to every story, particularly when told by a 9 year old. I'm not discounting your son's version of the events, I'm suggesting there might be more to it and perhaps you could try to find out what. If your son is truly miserable there, then you could seek to have visitation modified, perhaps reducing the length of time he is there. I don't think it would be a good idea to try to end all visitation. Your son undoubtedly needs his father in his life. I think the best plan is to find out how to make that happen with as little conflict as possible. » Return to top
Can the court make his girlfriend move out?
Chanel's Question: A month after my husband moved out, I found out that he has a girlfriend who stays the night. I am concerned because I have seen a change in my little girl - she is extremely clingy and insecure. My daughter now has to share what little time she has with her dad with this woman and her boy. I feel it is detrimental to my daughter and that he is putting his sexual needs first, but he tells me it's none of my business! Is there anyway I can prevent this woman from coming around, and can I ask the court to stop this?
Brette's Answer: This is actually a common situation. The thing you have to remember is that a court is interested in what is in your child's best interest. Period. No parent creates a perfect home life or situation. The question is whether the situation as it is now is in some way harmful to your daughter.
I completely understand why you are uncomfortable with this situation. However, I'll tell you from experience that the court is not going to order your ex to move his girlfriend out. He has a right to live with her if he wants to. And as long as your daughter is in no danger there, it's really unlikely any changes will be made.
You may be able to reduce the time he spends with her. Is he actually there all the time she is at his house or is the girlfriend babysitting her? This is an important point because the visitation time is meant for him to use personally. If he's not using it, it could be reduced. Your other option is to take her to see a therapist who could potentially testify that this arrangement is in some way harming her.
I recommend you get an attorney, but I also recommend you take a deep breath and realize that your ex is going to go on with his life and you can't change that. » Return to top
What can I do if his girlfriend treats our children badly?
Robin's Question: I have full legal custody of my children, and their father has visitation rights of every other weekend. He lives with his girlfriend, and she screams and cusses at our children. This causes times of depression and disappointment with their dad because he allows it to happen. I can find no help thru the state or the county without having to take their dad back to court. Any advise on how to protect my children from this mental abuse and not get in trouble with the visitation court order?
Brette's Answer: The only way to change this is to go back to court. You would need evidence that this is what is happening. You could take your kids to a therapist and see if that is helpful.
Can my ex stop visitation if I'm living with my boyfriend?
Ana's Question: Can my ex-husband remove all the visitation rights from me, if I am living with my boyfriend now?
Brette's Answer: No. Your ex has no power to decide anything about your rights. Only the court can decide that.
Stipulations About Overnight Guests
Sue's Question: My divorce was over a cheating husband. At the time, my 12 year old daughter did not want to stay every other weekend with her father at his girlfriends house. Needless to say, the divorce got messy because I voiced this concern. Because I voiced this, my ex-husband decided to add this to our divorce decree that I could not have any overnight guests (male or female) while my children are present. I have been in a 2 year relationship with a man who does stay periodically when the children are present. My ex keeps threatening me that he will take me back to court if this continues. They are very attached to my boyfriend and our home life is very happy once again. If my ex takes me back to court, will I lose this case because it's in my divorce decree? I could understand it if I was bringing a different man home every night, but this is a serious relationship. Now I regret signing the papers with this in them, but I did it at the time to protect my daughter who was having a very hard time accepting what had happened. Needless to say, he married her so it does not apply to him any longer. Please help!!
Brette's Answer: Technically it sounds like you are in violation of the order, although you need to speak to an attorney of your own to confirm that. There are a couple of avenues open to you. You and your ex could go to mediation and create a modification to the decree allowing either of you to have overnight guests, which would have to be approved (read: rubber stamped) by a judge. You could file a petition seeking to modify the order in court, or you could sit and wait for your ex to do something about it. Should he do something about it, the question is going to be not only whether you've violated the order (which you probably have) but, what effect this has had on your child and what effect it would have in the future. This is something the judge would need to decide. I'm not sure what your ex hopes to gain by pressing this point though. Do you allow your daughter to be with him when he is spending the night with a girlfriend? If there's quid pro quo here, I don't see what his beef is. I think you should try to talk to him rationally and reasonably and help him see that going back to court is just going to cost you both a lot of money, make things even more difficult between the two of you and possibly affect his relationship with your daughter. » Top of Child Visitation Rights page
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Related:
Changing Visitation Schedules
Child Visitation Problems
More Child Visitation Articles
This column provides general information about the various aspects of divorce. It is not intended to take the place of legal counsel and should not be considered personal legal advice. For specific recommendations concerning your situation, please retain experienced legal counsel. WomansDivorce.com and the experts disclaim any liability from any claim arising from any information contained in this column. This column is not a substitute for legal advice.
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