Child Visitation Rights
Answers From The Expert
Ask most divorced parents about child visitation rights, and you're likely to hear some discontent about the situation. The following answers from the life coach and legal expert may give you some insight to your own situation.
Will he get visitation rights because I've filed for child support?
Leanne's Question: I recently filed for child support against my ex live-in boyfriend. I have a permanent restraining order against him because he tried to kill me and my unborn daughter. I have several police reports where he threatened to take my daughter and I will never see her again. Once she was born he had an attorney attempt to gain visitation, but my attorney argued it was not in the best interest of the child. It has now been 8 years. My current husband is all my daughter knows since she was 3 months old. I am extremely scared that if the courts award visitation she will be hurt. If he tried to kill her before being born and beat me, why wouldn't he do it now. After all, he has never met or seen her.
Brette's Answer: Child support is separate from visitation. If he wants visitation he has to ask for it. The court will be very interested in the past history in this case should he ask for visitation. I can't tell you what a judge would decide. People can change a lot in 8 years, so there is the chance he might be a different person now. There is also the risk he could be a danger to your child. I think any court that would award visitation would only do so on a supervised basis to begin with. You could certainly seek to have his rights terminated and have your current partner adopt her. Good luck. » Return to top
Will my custody papers be enforced if he threatens to keep our son?
Theresa's Question: My son is 3 years old, and I have sole physical custody. His father takes him for 4 weeks each summer and lives 5 states away. He is threatening not to give him back. Will my divorce decree and custody papers be enforced in another state.
Brette's Answer: Yes they will be enforced. Based on that threat, you can seek to have his visitation reduced.
When Your Ex Doesn't Comply With the Visitation Schedule
Melissa's Question: Our divorce decree states that my ex gets the kids for 2 weeks out of every summer, but I have always been lenient since he is in the military and does not see them any other time during the rest of the year. This year I let them go for 4 weeks, and when I tried to ask him where we should meet to pick them up (he lives 5 states away) he said he was not going to let them come home for 3 more weeks! What can I do to get them back?
Brette's Answer: You can file a violation with the court that ordered the visitation. You could also contact the police or perhaps his commanding officer and show them the order which he has clearly violated.
Can he stop me from seeing my daughter if there is no court order?
Samantha's Question: If there is no court order in place, can one parent stop the other one from seeing the child (my daughter's father is refusing to allow me to contact her. I have been her primary care giver since birth, we have a parenting plan which he has gone against, but it was not lodged with the court)?
Brette's Answer: If there is no order of custody, each parent has an equal right to the child. You need to file an emergency petition for custody it sounds like. » Return to top
What if he's demanding more visitation than the court orders?
Monica's Question: Before our court hearing, I was trying to reach an agreement with my ex regarding parenting time, offering him plenty of time with our baby girl (40% of the time). But since he didn't agreed on it, we went to court.
At court "for the stability of the little girl" judge gave me sole custody, on a temporary basis while a parental evaluation is done. Judge also ordered us to work together on an agreement regarding parenting time and if we did not agreed on one, he would have her the minimum the law states, since she has to have stability (every other weekend from Friday 6pm until Monday morning).
Since he is not working during the mornings, he is demanding that I drive my baby daily to his house in addition to what the judge ordered (every other weekend). So now, she will spend 50% of the time with him. What can I do?
Brette's Answer: Here's the problem about the way you're looking at this. HE doesn't get to tell YOU how this is going to work out. The judge has already clearly said if you can't agree, you're going to get a visitation schedule dictated by law. It doesn't sound like you're agreeing, so that's all you're required to comply with right now.
I am all for cooperating, compromising and making time for both parents, but you've been bending over backwards here and it has to stop. You've got to play some hard ball now. It sounds to me as if you're ok with an arrangement that has her with him instead of daycare when he's not working - and that is terrific. It's always better for a child to be with a parent than at daycare. However, you're letting him manipulate you. Put your foot down and say you will not agree to his requirement that you drive. The judge is on your side here. Tell him exactly what you will agree to and remind him that if he does not agree, he's only going to get the minimum visitation. He'll see the error of his ways pretty quickly. Good luck. » Return to top
Can I stop visitation if he hasn't seen our son for over 2 years?
Shannon's Question: It has been 2 1/2 years since my 4 year old son has seen his father. His father calls out of the blue and wants to see him. Is there anything I can do to stop him? He pays child support off and on, but I would gladly give it up.
Brette's Answer: Your son needs to have a relationship with his father. He hasn't seen him for 2 years, yet it sounds like your ex has attempted to make contact and you have discouraged him. The more he sees him, the stronger their bond will be. I would suggest you encourage your ex to come spend some time with your son at your home or that of a relative, so that they can become reacquainted with each other. Encourage your ex to make regular visits. Explain to him how important it is for your son to have a father in his life.
If you drive him away, you will one day have to answer to your son. At some point he is going to want to know his father and will find him on his own. His father may then tell him that you kept them apart. That's a tough one to explain. » Return to top
How is visitation handled when the kids don't know their father?
Amy's Question: My daughter is six and my ex never tried to have visitation with her in the past. Now all of a sudden, he wants to start having her every other weekend, split holidays, and one evening a week. He lives 2 hours away, and she doesn't know him at all. How likely is it the judge will let him start having her every other weekend?
Brette's Answer: The judge will look at the entire situation, including his relationship with her and make a decision based on that. In general, it is a good thing for children to have relationships with their fathers, however I can understand your concern about too much too soon. If you are concerned, you need to be prepared to show he has no real relationship with her. If you have concerns about his ability to care for her, you need to share those. It's likely the court would order a gradually increasing schedule that would allow her to get to know him over a period of time. For example, overnights would not make sense for many months. You should request that a Law Guardian or Guardian ad litem be assigned to the case. This is an attorney who will represent your daughter and give the court her perspective. » Return to top
My daughter just met her real Dad and is afraid to visit him?
Jessica's Question: My 10 year old daughter just met her biological father 5 months ago, and they are attending supervised visitations. My daughter does not want to continue seeing him because she is scared of him and want no contact with him. He lives in El Paso and we live in San Antonio. What advice can you give me?
Brette's Answer: If I were the Law Guardian in your case, I would want to find out why she is afraid of him. What has happened? Is this due to something that happened in visitation or is it a reaction to the way that you feel about the visitation? I would recommend some therapy sessions to get to the bottom of it and possibly bring Dad into the sessions to try to develop a healthy relationship.
There's no question that suddenly meeting your father at age 10 and then going to a strange place for supervised visits is going to be really difficult for a child. That however, is not enough of a reason to cancel the visitation. Instead, you need to find a way to help her through it. I really think therapy is the answer. It takes time to develop a relationship with a parent you've never met before. You should talk to him about this and find a way to work together to make things better for her. Good luck. » Return to top
Can he take our baby overnight if he's never cared for her alone?
Tina's Question: I was given full physical custody when my default divorce was granted. My ex disappeared for the initial few months of my daughter's life (she is now 9 months old), and when she was 4 months old, he started coming to see her intermittently a few times a week. He is now threatening to take me to court to change custody because I won't allow him to take her alone yet (he has never been alone with her and has no idea how to care for her). What should I do?
Brette's Answer: Eventually he would be likely be given the right to be with her alone. I understand your concerns about this though. What you might consider doing is creating a plan that will gradually allow him to be alone with her. Start by leaving them alone in a room at your home. Then go to the backyard or outside for a little bit. Next, suggest he take her to his house for an hour, or perhaps to his parents' house. She's too young to suddenly go to his house for every weekend - what a court would do is order a gradual increase in visitation along these lines. I would suggest trying to work this out together if you can. You have to realize he has a right to be in her life, but he has to realize that it takes time to build a relationship and learn parenting skills. » Return to top
How can I make sure that he takes care of her right?
Amy's Question: My ex is taking our daughter with him on vacation for 2 weeks, out of state. He hasn't really be involved with her for 7 months. We are meeting to discuss our daughter, her care, tips, concerns. I want to be sure I am thinking of everything to bring up. I know I can't control what happens while with him, but things like, what is your plan on keeping our daughter from wandering into the pool area when no one is around? If you decide to have a few beers, who will be driving and caring for our daughter. My intent is not to tell him what to do, but to get him thinking like a parent. How do I handle this?
Brette's Answer: I commend you for wanting your daughter to spend time with her father. I can understand your concerns, especially since he is not familiar with her. What you might want to do is have him come over to your house on a few different days and let him see what she is like and what he can expect. He needs to understand her schedule, her needs, and what kind of trouble she could potentially get in. He should not drink at all when he is the primary caretaker and you need to make that clear to him. You could tell him to call you once a day to check in and you could then offer any advice necessary.
It's hard, but one thing you have to remember is that he may not do things the same way you would, but that doesn't mean he's doing it all wrong. Even moms who are married to their children's fathers often feel frustrated when he doesn't do things in the same way she would. You've got to give him the freedom to find his own style and develop his own relationship.
Writing out her daily schedule could be helpful. I would spend a lot of time talking about night time - what will he do if she is afraid or can't sleep? Does he understand she might be up at 6 and ready for the day? I think you're right to worry about a pool. He needs to know he has to go in with her and can never leave her unsupervised around a pool or body of water. Two weeks is a long time to spend together when they haven't seen each other in a long time, so he should be prepared for some separation anxiety - letting her talk to you on the phone should help. He might think he needs to have something planned every single second. Let him know she needs down time - time to just hang around the hotel room or wherever they are staying. Good luck!
Does my son have to visit his dad if there's been no contact for years?
Angela's Question: I separated from my son's father due to his drinking and drug abuse when my son was 2 years old. Initially, he had some contact with our son, but it was always sporadic. I have since moved and am in a relationship with another man who he calls dad. In my son's own words, my ex is his biological father and my new partner is his real dad because he does things with him and is here for him all the time. Last week I got a letter basically asking for contact with my son and offering to start paying child support. My son is 12 years old and he said he did not want to see his dad. What should I do?
Brette's Answer: There are several considerations. First of all, your son's wishes are important and because of his age, they will be considered by the court. As the parent though, you need to think about your son's future and what the implications are for him to have no relationship with his biological father. This is often detrimental for children. It's important to understand that the bond your son has with your partner is wonderful and sounds so healthy for him, but having some contact with his biological father won't impact that. He can continue to have that bond and still have some kind of contact with his biological father.
If you and your son do not want any contact, you need to hire an attorney and go to court and present your case. It's likely the judge will talk to your son to get his input. The court will make a decision that is in the best interest of your child. Courts generally do not suspend all visitation rights unless there is a serious emotional or physical danger to the child. I'm very concerned about the substance abuse issue, and this is something you definitely need to bring up in court. If he is still addicted, it may not be safe for your child to be with him.
I understand how difficult it is to feel like a man has completely abandoned you and your child and left the entire child-rearing to you, and then to have him suddenly show up and want to be involved. It can feel very frustrating and can seem like a huge imposition. You're right to be angry and upset, but as a parent you need to think about your son and his needs. It's also normal for your son to feel abandoned and angry, but you can't change the fact that this man is his father. At some point your son will need to confront that and deal with it. He deserves the chance to know this man and to make an educated decision about whether he wants him in his life.
If you end up with court-ordered visitation, I highly recommend that your son see a counselor. No matter how this turns out, he is going to need help dealing with his mixed emotions. » Return to top
Do I have to return my child if my ex is basically homeless?
Jacinda's Question: My ex and I have joint legal custody, and he is the residential parent. My daughter is with me right now for summer visitation, and has actually been here longer at my ex's request. He is in the process of attempting to move to another state. Do I have to send her to a different state, where my ex is homeless, without family, and obviously out of cash (because he wants me to put the money up to change the flight because he says there isn't enough in his account?). What can I do?
Brette's Answer: First of all, if he has residential custody then yes you do have to return her to him, unless you can show she would somehow be in danger with him or being with him would not be in her best interests (if he is truly "homeless" that meets this requirement, but if he is just looking for a new place to live and is staying in hotels it may not qualify). You can certainly try to get a change in custody since there has been a change in circumstances since the last time you were in court. Who pays for the transportation would be decided by looking at who has paid for it in the past. Perhaps you might suggest to your ex that you keep her until he is settled and has a place to live. Frame it as making things easier for him. » Return to top
Can I withhold visitation if my ex doesn't have a place to live?
Lara's Question: If my ex-husband has no place to live, do I have to give him our daughter on his visitation weekend?
Brette's Answer: I think you need to be reasonable about this. When you say he has no place to live I am unclear as to whether you mean he is between apartments and is currently staying with friends, or if you mean he is completely homeless, living on the street. In the first instance, as long as he is staying at a safe and clean place and your child would not be disturbed by going there, it should be fine. In the second instance, that would not be a good situation. You need to evaluate what the situation is.
How can I prove that he bullies the children?
Laura's Question: My children are 11, 13, 15. My husband is basically an absent father, but when he is around, he is either in a great mood, or a bully. I feel that between his good moods, we have been living with verbal and emotional abuse throughout our marriage. Bullying is so hard to prove, and so hard to describe unless you are actually there to witness the situation. I'm afraid that lawyers/judges will not realize how devastating it is to my children and myself. Is there some kind of stipulation that can be put in the custody settlement, that allows for my children to be able to call myself or family member if their father is on one of his rampages? I have no way to prove that this behavior exists.
Brette's Answer: I think the best thing would be to get your kids into therapy so that you can have someone who can testify about how his behavior affects them.
What can I do if his abusive behavior is affecting our son?
B's Question: My ex keeps our son every other weekend, and I believe that he is becoming more and more emotionally and mentally abusive with my son. Last night he called our son neurotic and doesn't hesitate to speak this way in front of him. He drops in and out of his life, one minute saying he won't be seeing him again and then randomly showing up at his school to pick him up. My son's school is aware of the situation and has an increasing concern, as do I. My son is showing worsening signs of anxiety, and I have come to the point where I feel that I need to protect my son from his Dad. What can I do? I am raising my son alongside my partner (same sex) which is another concern. I do not want my sexuality to endanger my custody and my ex has threatened this.
Brette's Answer: You need to go back to court and get this changed. Visitation is NOT healthy if it is emotionally damaging to your child. You can ask to have visitation suspended while the court figures out what is going on - which may involve a psych evaluation of your ex and possibly one of your child. If your ex got counseling, he might be able to spend time with your son again. The fact that you are partnered with another woman is NOT a factor. It has nothing to do with your ability to parent and is certainly not a strike against you in any way.
Do I have to make them go if one was molested at their Dad's house?
Michele's Question: I have sole legal and physical custody of my 5 yr old twin boys. I learned that one of the twins was being molested by their half brother while all 3 were visiting with their father. Now the older brother is not around the twins, however the they do not want to go to their fathers anymore to spend the night. Do I really have to make them go stay all weekend when they cry and beg me not to make them? The one that was molested still to this day talks about the "bad things" his half brother did to him. Even though DFCS dropped the case, they want me to put the twins in counseling, but won't refer them to a counselor! Please...help me!
Brette's Answer: You can certainly begin a case to limit visitation, or perhaps put some restrictions on it. Your son HAS to go to counseling. Ask your pediatrician for a referral. He will never recover from this unless you get him professional help. » Return to top
Can I request visitation occur someplace other than his home?
Paola's Question: When my husband left last year, he was living with his mother, but he moved out and now he lives with 2 other ladies. We have a daughter that is almost 3 years old, and now he wants to take our daughter over to his new house. They have a lot of parties, and I don't think my daughter will be safe over there, especially since he has never taken good care of her in the first place. Can a judge order him to see our daughter at his Mom's house only?
Brette's Answer: Yes, you can request supervised visitation, or direct that visitation not take place at that residence.
Can he get visitation if he's abusive and has a drug conviction?
Leslie's Question: I have a 4 year old son who's biological father left the area after his first birthday. Since then he has had no contact at all with my son or provided any financial support. He has a felony charge of cocaine possession for which he is serving 3 years of probation. He also has a past record of theft.
I contacted him recently to ask if he would sign over his rights to my fiancé, who hopes to adopt my son. Now he is stating that he is going to court to pay child support so that he can see "his" son. He has been verbally and physically abusive in the past, and I honestly fear for all of our safety when it comes to his violent temper. What measures can I take to ensure my son remains with me?
Brette's Answer: This is a difficult situation. Children have a right to know their parents, however if he presents a danger to the child, that is a problem. It's possible the court could order supervised visitation and see how things go. If you are afraid for your safety and that of your child you need to make that clear to the court. All you can do is tell the court your side of the story and present as much information as you can about this man's life history. Ask that a Law Guardian or Guardian ad litem be appointed to represent your child and get an attorney for yourself if you can afford it. » Return to top
Can visitation be modified if he drives drunk with the kids in the car?
Amy's Question: My ex-husband is an alcoholic and has been ordered by the judge to not drink before or during his visitation time with our children (ages 16 and 12). However he does drink when he is with the kids and has driven my youngest son repeatedly while he was drunk. Because he hasn't gotten a DUI and it is basically his word against mine, how can I protect my children?
Brette's Answer: I would suggest you have someone with you during pick up and drop offs who can be a witness if he is drunk at those times. That way it is not your word against his. Your kids are old enough to talk to the judge in chambers or testify about the drinking. You need to go back to court. » Return to top
Can I request he be drug-tested before visitation?
Crystal's Question: My ex was highly addicted to drugs, for which he went through rehab. He now has a new girlfriend and she is known for abusing drugs. They are moving in together and it worries me, because he has visitation every other weekend. How can I be sure he's not abusing again? Can I, being the primary custodian, request that he's tested prior to their visits?
Brette's Answer: Why don't you talk to him first. Express your concerns, but in a non-accusatory way. Ask about the girlfriend - whether she is using and if not, when she stopped. Make it clear you want him to have visitation but that you just want to make sure the kids are safe.
There isn't much you can do on a "what if" situation such as this. You could probably get a court to issue an order that the children are not to be around anyone using drugs and your husband can't use drugs or be high around them, but it doesn't guarantee a thing and is likely to hurt relations between you. You could ask that he be tested for drugs, but the court isn't going to do that before every visit and you couldn't get the girlfriend tested. You may be better to keep an eye on the situation, make your concerns known to him and wait and see. Talk to your attorney and find out how your family court handles these kinds of concerns. » Return to top
Can he get visitation if he has serious mental problems?
Candice's Question: I am scared that my ex will get visitation with my son. His mother told me he has been seeing a psychiatrist since he was 12. He has been diagnosed as bi-polar, and has been told he is borderline schizophrenic. He was put on lithium about 3 years ago, but has not taken his medicine because he thinks he doesn't need it. He has never had my son by himself, and has only seen my son at his parent's house. His parents have always been very good to me and my son, and actually help me with paying daycare each month. I am worried because my ex's parents are trying to get their son to file for custody so they can have my son. Please let me know what the chances are of him getting any kind of visitation, and if his parents can use the fact that they help me with daycare against me.
Brette's Answer: Nothing can happen until your ex actually files papers. The fact that he has not had regular contact with the child makes it likely he will not get what he is asking for. Your job is going to be to present the court with all of this information. You should get an attorney who can help you do that. His mental health is of grave concern. He sounds like a good candidate for supervised visitation.
You should also be aware that the grandparents might seek grandparent visitation. This could be carefully constructed so that it is just for them and not their son and I think you might not have a problem with that then. The fact that they have been helping with daycare is just one factor the court would be interested in. Your attorney could help you reach a settlement with them so that you would not need to go a trial - it sounds as though you could work something out together. » Return to top
Can supervised visitation be ordered based on a medical condition?
Adiya's Question: My 3 year old daughter was born severely premature. During the time that she was in the hospital, my ex-husband and I divorced and since that time he has made very little effort to see her. I want to file for sole legal custody but am open to the idea of visitation on the grounds that it is supervised either by myself or a social worker. I am concerned about leaving her alone with my ex-husband because he has no understanding of her medical condition and wouldn't know what to do in the event that she were having an attack. (When she was much younger I sent her to visit him for a couple of hours and he did not give her her seizure medication because he said she was "being difficult" about taking it) Can I get supervised visitation on the grounds that she has a medical condition that requires her to be supervised by someone who understands her medical condition?
Brette's Answer: If I were the law guardian in your case, I would recommend that your ex take the time to be educated about your daughter's condition. I would suggest he meet with her Doctor or at least a nurse from her Dr's office. I would also suggest he take some parenting classes. If he did these things, it is possible he could adequately care for her. Supervised visitation, while necessary in some cases is frankly really hard to maintain. You have to coordinate so many people's schedules and it is generally not a very nurturing situation in which to develop a parent-child bond. I understand your concerns and of course it is essential that she be cared for properly, but he is her father and if you can find a way for them to have a relationship, it will be best for her. I know how you feel - since you divorced while she was in the hospital, you feel as though you've been the only one to care for her and are the only one who knows how. You've been a tremendous mom to get her through all of that and if you allow him into her life (with some guidance) it's not going to take away any of that. Good luck. » Return to top
How can I protect my son if his dad has anger issues?
Crystal's Question: Can I ask that my husband undergo therapy in order to see my child?. He has a lot of anger and rage, and I am scared to leave my son alone with him. We are not divorced yet, so visitation has not yet been determined. My husband has never even kept him by himself before, so would those things weigh on the decisions involved in visitation?
Brette's Answer: Requiring a parent to undergo counseling as well as parenting classes is often ordered by a court. It's likely the court would require a psychological evaluation be done to determine what his condition is and what he needs. None of this will happen just on your say so though. You need an expert to testify as to what is going on and how it affects your child. Also, it's unlikely there would be no visitation at all in the meantime, but supervised visitation is the alternative. The fact that your husband has never cared for your son alone is very important and will be an important factor considered by the court. Get an attorney and share all of this with him or her. » Return to top
Can supervised visitation be ordered until the kids are 18?
Mihaela's Question: My husband and I are going through a very difficult divorce and child custody dispute. My husband was ordered to have SUPERVISED visits with the children while he undergoes a forensic psychological evaluation. He was also abusive with me and the children during our marriage. The psychological evaluation determined him to have psychopathic deviate behaviors and also bipolar disorder. My husband also admitted to the psychologist that he stopped taking his bipolar disorder prescribed medications and stopped seeing his therapist. I am hoping to persuade the mediator and the judge that the children will not be safe alone with him.
My husband insists that we should have split 50/50 custody. Given the history of abuse and the psychological evaluation I am adamant that supervised visitation continue until the kids are 18. I am hoping that our custody mediator and the judge will evaluate the psychological report and the one year of supervised visits to determine that it's in the best interest of the children that they live with me and their contact with dad should be supervised. From your legal experience, can you give me some insight as to how this is going to unfold for my children.
Brette's Answer: I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like a difficult situation. The key is going to be working out a plan for supervised visits. Do you trust a relative of his to do it? If so, that would be the easiest situation. I should point out that should he get treatment and take his meds, it is likely a court would eventually allow him unsupervised visits. For now though he does not sound well enough. » Return to top
I can't afford a professional monitor for supervised visitation
Julie's Question: My ex has supervised visitation with my son, but the current monitor does nothing to stop him from discussing the court case, and my child is extremely upset. I have no funds for a professional monitor and my ex doesn't work so if a professional is ordered I have to pay. Can you give me suggestions on where I can find affordable monitoring? My ex made threats against my friends and family so that is out.
Brette's Answer: The Salvation Army runs a supervised visitation program in some locales. You might also try calling your local United Way offices or perhaps your Department of Social Services or Department of Children and Families to see if there is anything else in your area. If not, I would suggest talking to the monitor about what is appropriate. Perhaps there is a friend or family member who would agree to monitor the visitation. » Return to top
What can I do if my ex keeps letting my son down?
Wanda's Question: My ex often doesn't show up for visitation and doesn't call our son. He said that he doesn't show up because our son has an attitude with him. What's worse is that he won't answer the phone when my son calls him, and won't return my son's calls. What can I do so that it doesn't affect my son?
Brette's Answer: I know that it is hard to deal with this kind of thing when you think your ex is being a jerk, but as you've seen, this kind of situation is difficult for your son. I would suggest you ask your ex to meet you for coffee. Sit down together in a friendly way and try to find out what the problem is. Is the visitation time inconvenient? Is there a better time? Have he and your son had problems? Try to get to the root of the problem then try to find a solution that will work for both of you. » Return to top
What can you do if your ex doesn't fulfill his visitation requirements?
Anne's Question: What do you do when an ex won't fulfill his visitation requirements? He never sees the children, even though two different children therapists have met with him to stress the importance of structure. He only wants them when it suits him, and of course to take them 2 weeks in the summer to visit grandparents they only see once a year. He is now refusing to allow me to take them on any type of trip anywhere! My lawyer tells me that he is holding me hostage and I need to take him back to court. She also says that there is no way to force him to fulfill his visitation. What can I do?
Brette's Answer: Your lawyer is right. You can't force someone to use their visitation time. It sounds like you have bent over backwards to try to get him to stay involved and it's unfortunate that it hasn't worked. You're a good parent for trying to keep him involved in your kids' lives. I agree that you can't let him dictate what you do. You should be allowed to travel with your children and the court would certainly allow that. As to whether or not he should be able to take the kids to visit his parents, you need to do what you think is best. It's good for children to know their grandparents, but this kind of once a year contact can be difficult. What does the therapist think about it? I would want to get that information before making a decision if I were you. Going back to court is always difficult for children, but it sounds like the current situation is also difficult for everyone.
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When visitation interferes with extracurricular activities
Lisa's Question: I am another single mom with a visitation issue and concern. My 9 year old son is expressing a lot of dissatisfaction with having to miss out on his key events to visit his father. He visits his Dad 6 weeks in the summer and one weekend a month. He has made a club level soccer team, which requires more of a commitment. I do not have control of his attendance when he is required to visit his father. My son is very upset because he may be eliminated from the team if he continues to miss games/practices. Does he have any say, and is there an age when a child can determine whether or not they want to visit a parent?
Brette's Answer: It is difficult when children reach an age where they start to have commitments that don't mesh with visitation. A court would weigh the importance of your son's activities against the importance that he stay connected to his father, and it's likely staying connected to his father is going to seem more important. I would suggest you try to find a compromise. Talk to your ex and explain to him how important these games and practices are and see if he might come down for them instead of taking your son to his house all the time. I would also suggest you talk to the coach and explain the situation. » Return to top
Can a teen choose whether to go for visitation or not?
Victoria's Question: My parents are divorced, and my dad and I don't get along. Can I chose if I want to go to his house on the weekends or can he force me? Is it legal for a teen to chose if they want to go or not?
Brette's Answer: You should talk to your mom about this. Your opinion is very important to the court. However, whether you like it or not, he is your dad and will be for the rest of your life. Cutting him out of your life completely is not the answer. Divorce is hard for everyone involved. I think it would be great if your mom could help you find someone to talk about this - maybe a counselor or therapist. » Return to top
When Your Child Doesn't Want To Visit The Other Parent
Jill writes: Please give me some help and advice. My 14 year old daughter does not want to visit with her father. He drinks and keeps his house unclean. I have been ordered by the court for her to go, and have gave my lawyer many items to support my daughter's reasons not wanting to. Do I or my daughter have any other options?
Brette's Answer: I think it's terrific that you have made the effort to allow your daughter time with her father. It's also very responsible of you to follow the court order - you don't want to find yourself in contempt of court. Withholding visitation can be grounds for a change in custody, so you don't want to go there. I understand your concerns though. I have several suggestions for you. First of all, you need to know your daughter is not the first and certainly won't be the last teenager who disagrees with a visitation plan. Part of being a teen is rebelling, making contrary decisions, and testing. There were probably times when you were a teenager that you didn't want to spend time with your parents, and it's no different for kids of divorced parents. Your daughter's feelings are important, but as her parent, you have to look at the big picture and see that it is important for her to have a relationship with both of her parents.
Now, that being said, I completely understand your worries about what is happening at his house. If it's at all possible I would suggest you sit down with him in a neutral, no-conflict way and share your concerns. Don't accuse and don't judge. Instead, tell him how your daughter is feeling. Stress that you really want them to spend time together and say you're hoping maybe together you can come up with a way for your daughter to feel more comfortable at his home or with him. The key to this conversation is to try to approach it like you and he are solving a problem together, not as if you are confronting him (and this is not to say you aren't totally entitled to do so, but it's not going to be productive). If his house is a mess, what if he takes her out to eat once a week instead? There are alternatives. You just have to find some that will work.
If this doesn't work, it might be a good idea for your attorney and you to have a serious face to face talk. You need to discuss in detail what your concerns are with specific incidents. To have grounds to change visitation you've got to have some real facts and solid incidents that show he is putting her in bad situations. Your daughter's opinion is important and a court will take into the consideration the opinion of a teen, but by itself it isn't enough. She is still a minor and it's in her best interest to have two parents in her life.
I worked with many families who were in similar situations to yours and I know how difficult and frustrating it is for you. The fact is that you can't change who he is and neither can your daughter. You have to either find a way to work with him or a way to convince a judge that he is not fit to take care of her. And you can focus on helping your daughter cope with whatever outcome you have by having her see a counselor who can help her work through her feelings about her dad. I wish you both the best of luck. ~Brette~ » Return to top
Am I held responsible if my teenager refuses to go?
Linda's Question: My 16 year old son does not get along with is dad and does not want to go to his house for visitation. I try to tell him it is court ordered and he should try to improve his relationship by going and talking to his dad. He still does not want to go. What is my responsibility in trying to force him to go? (My ex has said he'd take me to court on contempt charges). I cannot drag him out the door -- what steps do I take so the court will know I have tried to enforce the visitation schedule?
Brette's Answer:
Dear Linda, I know how difficult your situation is. You're caught in the middle - you want your son to have a relationship with his dad, but you don't want to become the bad guy by forcing him to go. It sounds to me like you're doing all the rights things. All you can do is encourage your son to go. As long as you arrange the visitation times and make your son available, it's unlikely a court would have any problem with what you're doing. Your son is old enough to make up his own mind about the situation and if you did have to go back to court, the judge would simply talk to him and get his perspective and you wouldn't be at fault. No one is going to suggest you have to force him to go at gunpoint.
You might try talking to your son about changing the schedule. Instead of going to stay at his dad's house, what if he just had dinner with him or went to a sporting event one night a week or once every two weeks? I've often found that teens aren't aware that there are options and they simply see the situation as take it or leave it and reject it out of hand. You could also find out what about the visitation it is that he doesn't like. He might have very specific things that bother him that could be changed, for example having to spend time with his dad's girlfriend or not being allowed to see his friends while at his dad's house. He may also be having a typical teenage clash with his dad about rules or responsibilities. Find out what's going on and see if there are any fixes.
I would also suggest you try to talk to your ex yourself and tell him you're on his side and you want your son to go, but that he is at an age where forcing him to go is just going to cause resentment. Talk to your ex about the kinds of options I've suggested above. Tell him that maybe you can work together to find some alternate solutions that will work. Show him you want to make it work. Another possibility is for your ex and your son to see a counselor together to try to get to the root of the problems between them. » Return to top
How Can I Convince My Child To Visit Her Father?
Margie's Question: My 14 yr old is refusing to go to her father's house this summer. I know I can be held in contempt, but how do I force her on a plane?
Brette's Answer: Your situation is a common one. As I'm sure you've noticed, teens can be a bit difficult sometimes! I would suggest you find out what about the plan your daughter doesn't like. Is she going to miss her friends? Does she not like going to her dad's house? Find out what the problem is. Then talk to your ex. Get him involved in solving this. What you don't want is for this to become a you versus him situation. Instead, it should be the two of you working with your daughter to find a solution. There may be a compromise that will keep everyone happy - such as your oldest only going for part of the summer. Work together as a family to find a solution.
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Can they arrest me if I refuse visitation?
Phylenne's Question: Is there a law that protects a mom from being held responsible for the daughters' refusal to go with dad on visitation? My children refuse to visit their father because they are afraid of him. He has previously used his own flesh and blood for sex for his buddies in the past. I have to represent myself because I haven't found a lawyer who has time for our case. His lawyer said, at the admit/deny hearing, that it is their plan to lock me up at the hearing and pick up my daughters. Their dad is rated 100 percent mentally disabled, and has a record of being involuntarily committed to a psych ward for six months for harassing a woman. Help!
Brette's Answer: If you do not send your children on visitation, it is custodial interference and can be the grounds for a change in custody. Get an attorney and present your allegations to the court about why he should not have custody. Ask that a guardian ad litem be appointed to represent the children and their point of view so that the court can be made aware of why they don't want to go on visitation. Good luck. » Return to top
Does he have a right to know how I spend my time with the kids?
Karen's Question: My ex is extremely verbally abusive and controlling. If the kids are with me, he wants to know what we doing 24-7, and will continue to call until I tell him. Do I have to tell him exactly where we are? He keeps threatening to call the police if I don't tell him. What can be done about this?
Brette's Answer: Neither parent must account to the other how they spend their time with the children. You're both independent adults and not beholden to the other. In this instance, I think a phone call by your attorney to his attorney might take care of it. If not, it's clear there are some underlying issues. You might have to go to court to get an order restraining him from calling, or designating the number of calls that is allowed per day. » Return to top
Do I have a right to know where my kids are during visitation?
Julie's Question: I am the custodial parent, and there has never been any court ordered visitation. Do I have the right to know where my ex takes my children, and whom he leaves them with? I feel as their mother I should have the right to know where my children are. If the house burned down with everyone in it, no one would have any idea to notify me, and I would have no idea that my children were harmed.
Brette's Answer: I am concerned first that you have no court order for visitation. You need one, so that there are limits on this situation. You most certainly need to know where they are. They ought to be with your ex, and if they are not on a regular basis, there needs to be a change in visitation. Talk to an attorney. » Return to top
Can he take our son out of state without my permission?
Sharae's Question: My ex-husband and I have joint legal custody and I have sole physical custody. He has our son every other weekend and up to 2months each year for vacation time, but only two weeks at a time. Can he take our son out of state without agreeing with me first?
Brette's Answer: In most states unless there is a specific provision against this, yes.
How can I prevent my ex from taking my son out of the state?
Christina's Question: I have temporary sole custody of my 4 year old son. His Dad picked him up for visitation and flew him out of state to go deep sea fishing, without telling me about his plans. What rights do I have, and can I prevent this from happening in the future?
Brette's Answer: You can go back to court to get the custody order modified to say he can't take the child out of the state without your permission. It's pretty standard language. » Return to top
Do I have a right to know who lives with my ex?
Angela's Question: After my daughter arrived back home from visitation with her father, she told me that daddy had a new friend that stayed with them the entire time. I asked my ex-husband for some basic information about his girlfriend, such as her name, where she lived and what she did for a living. He told me her first name, but he would not tell me her last name or what she does for a living. Don't I have the right to know the people who will be around my daughter? He also refuses to tell me where he lives so I have no idea where they are during the visit. What are my rights?
Brette's Answer: Your ex isn't required to tell you anything about what he does, unless your court order or agreement specifically directs him to do so. I think you should go to court and ask to at least have his address - that is a basic piece of information. If you don't want a girlfriend there, you can ask the court to direct him not to have overnight guests while your child is there. » Return to top
How can I prevent my kids from being around his girlfriend
Heather's Question: After 12 years of marriage and 4 children together, my husband told me that he didn't love me anymore and left me for another woman. Now we are getting a divorce, and he wants the children to be with him and this woman every weekend. I can't imagine having my kids be around her, especially my youngest son and my baby girl. Is there anything I can do about this? It drives me crazy thinking about.
Brette's Answer: I know how hard this is. First of all, the amount of time will be decided by the judge, so try not stress over that right now. However, you are going to have to learn to get over your resentment of his girlfriend. As far as the court is concerned, he has every right to have a relationship with her and as long as she is not a dangerous person, it isn't harmful for the children. That isn't to say it isn't difficult for them and for you, but this is something you have to learn to live with. I know that's easy to say but not so easy to do, but it is the reality of your situation. » Return to top
When your ex shifts childcare responsibilities to someone else
Amy's Question: My ex has set visitations with our 6 year old which have been going good until he got engaged. Now our child spends more time with the new girlfriend on visitations than with her father. Is that right or fair to our child?
Brette's Answer: This is a common problem I ran into when I was a law guardian. Some fathers tend to shift child care responsibilities to their girlfriends. Is it right? No. Is there much you can do about it? No. The best plan is to have a calm and reasonable conversation with your ex and simply let him know that your child is interested in spending time with him during visitation. It is also possible that although you are hearing more about the girlfriend than the dad, your ex may be there and involved, but your child is reporting about the girlfriend because she is new. You can't always rely on what your child tells you because it can be skewed and not the whole truth. Talk to your ex in a non-accusatory way and express your concern and try to get a picture for what is going on. » Return to top
Can the court make his girlfriend move out?
Chanel's Question: A month after my husband moved out, I found out that he has a girlfriend who stays the night. I am concerned because I have seen a change in my little girl - she is extremely clingy and insecure. My daughter now has to share what little time she has with her dad with this woman and her boy. I feel it is detrimental to my daughter and that he is putting his sexual needs first, but he tells me it's none of my business! Is there anyway I can prevent this woman from coming around, and can I ask the court to stop this?
Brette's Answer: This is actually a common situation. The thing you have to remember is that a court is interested in what is in your child's best interest. Period. No parent creates a perfect home life or situation. The question is whether the situation as it is now is in some way harmful to your daughter.
I completely understand why you are uncomfortable with this situation. However, I'll tell you from experience that the court is not going to order your ex to move his girlfriend out. He has a right to live with her if he wants to. And as long as your daughter is in no danger there, it's really unlikely any changes will be made.
You may be able to reduce the time he spends with her. Is he actually there all the time she is at his house or is the girlfriend babysitting her? This is an important point because the visitation time is meant for him to use personally. If he's not using it, it could be reduced. Your other option is to take her to see a therapist who could potentially testify that this arrangement is in some way harming her.
I recommend you get an attorney, but I also recommend you take a deep breath and realize that your ex is going to go on with his life and you can't change that. » Return to top
What can I do if his girlfriend treats our children badly?
Robin's Question: I have full legal custody of my children, and their father has visitation rights of every other weekend. He lives with his girlfriend, and she screams and cusses at our children. This causes times of depression and disappointment with their dad because he allows it to happen. I can find no help thru the state or the county without having to take their dad back to court. Any advise on how to protect my children from this mental abuse and not get in trouble with the visitation court order?
Brette's Answer: The only way to change this is to go back to court. You would need evidence that this is what is happening. You could take your kids to a therapist and see if that is helpful.
Stipulations About Overnight Guests
Sue's Question: My divorce was over a cheating husband. At the time, my 12 year old daughter did not want to stay every other weekend with her father at his girlfriends house. Needless to say, the divorce got messy because I voiced this concern. Because I voiced this, my ex-husband decided to add this to our divorce decree that I could not have any overnight guests (male or female) while my children are present. I have been in a 2 year relationship with a man who does stay periodically when the children are present. My ex keeps threatening me that he will take me back to court if this continues. They are very attached to my boyfriend and our home life is very happy once again. If my ex takes me back to court, will I lose this case because it's in my divorce decree? I could understand it if I was bringing a different man home every night, but this is a serious relationship. Now I regret signing the papers with this in them, but I did it at the time to protect my daughter who was having a very hard time accepting what had happened. Needless to say, he married her so it does not apply to him any longer. Please help!!
Brette's Answer: Technically it sounds like you are in violation of the order, although you need to speak to an attorney of your own to confirm that. There are a couple of avenues open to you. You and your ex could go to mediation and create a modification to the decree allowing either of you to have overnight guests, which would have to be approved (read: rubber stamped) by a judge. You could file a petition seeking to modify the order in court, or you could sit and wait for your ex to do something about it. Should he do something about it, the question is going to be not only whether you've violated the order (which you probably have) but, what effect this has had on your child and what effect it would have in the future. This is something the judge would need to decide. I'm not sure what your ex hopes to gain by pressing this point though. Do you allow your daughter to be with him when he is spending the night with a girlfriend? If there's quid pro quo here, I don't see what his beef is. I think you should try to talk to him rationally and reasonably and help him see that going back to court is just going to cost you both a lot of money, make things even more difficult between the two of you and possibly affect his relationship with your daughter. » Return to top
My ex wants two weekends in a row to get back on schedule
Michelle's Question: My ex has visitation rights for every other weekend. The weekends got switched during vacations and we are on a different schedule because of it. Now he wants them 2 weekends in a row to get on the old schedule. He continues to harass and tell me that he will get them when he wants. What rights do I have to stop him from doing this?
Brette's Answer: Here's how you need to think about this. If your previous switch in weekends meant you had the kids two weekends in a row, then letting him have them 2 weekends in a row now is just a way to even things out and make it fair. » Return to top
Can we switch weekends for a special occasion?
Sabrina's Question: I have been divorced for three years now and he has been harassing me for the past year (since I got engaged). We agreed to switch weekends so my kids can be in my wedding, but not two weeks to go and he is threatening to kidnap them so they can't participate. What can I do to prevent this? He stated that if I try to keep them for the weekend he will charge me with kidnapping. Can he do this? I have physical custody and control and he just has visitation rights? Is it ok to still keep them like he agreed or can I get arrested?
Brette's Answer: It sounds like it would be a good idea to get any schedule changes in writing from now on. Since your order probably just says "alternate weekends" there's nothing wrong with you keeping the kids that weekend. If you're nervous about this, you can go to court and seek a temporary order permitting this. It sounds as if he's having a hard time dealing with your remarriage and is trying to use the kids as a weapon against you. You might want to reassure him that he will always be their father and that your new husband will not take his place in their lives. » Return to top
Can he change the visitation schedule whenever he wants?
Debbie's Question: My husband thinks he can make me give up my plans because he wants to take the kids on different night than agreed to in the temporary order. He says that his lawyer told him that it was ok for him to just go ahead and do it. Can he?
Brette's Answer: If your court order specifies the times he is to have the children, you have to stick to it. Usually you can change that if you both agree - the key is that you both must agree. He can't unilaterally decide to change it. You need to document what is happening. Keep a calendar indicating what days he has had the kids and when his scheduled times are, so that if you need to go to court to straighten it out, you have proof of what has been happening. » Return to top
What can I do if he always cancels visitation at the last minute?
Eva's Question: My ex and I have been trying to work out the every other weekend thing, but he commonly calls the night before HIS weekend to say that he has to work late (voluntary over time) and can't take the kids. This isn't fair and I'm having to change my plans to accommodate him. Can I tell him he can't get the kids until the court hands down the schedule since he is dictating visitation at his convenience?
Brette's Answer: I think you should have a calm and non-confrontational discussion with him about what you just told me. Explain to him that you have plans also and it's not fair for him to call you the night before with a schedule change. Set up a rule about schedule changes - agree they must be made 3 days in advance (or whatever works for you). Stopping visitation is not the answer - you're punishing your children then for his stupidity. Instead, try to set up some guidelines you can both follow. Tell him that visitation is very important and you really want to make it work.
Is he in violation if he takes a vacation without the kids?
Maria's Question: My custody agreement includes a clause for 2 weeks of vacation for each parent with our without the children. My ex took a two week vacation without the kids, trying to pass it off as an exchange of weekends. He now wants to take the kids on a week's vacation and claims that I am violating his rights. His behavior in the past around vacation time has cause serious upheaval in the children's lives and I want to deter him from taking the kids, since I think he will be violating the agreement. Do I have a legal recourse to prevent him taking the kids or do I have to wait until he actually violates the agreement to take him to court?
Brette's Answer: If I am reading your email correctly, he went away for two weeks alone. He now wants to take a week with the children. Your agreement gives him two weeks of vacation. The agreement speaks to vacation time WITH the children and has nothing to do with his own time. If he chooses to go away for two weeks and does not exercise his visitation, that is his choice and his loss. There's nothing you can do about it. I can understand that it screws up your schedule and your children's schedule, but there's nothing you can do about it.
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Do siblings have visitation rights?
Kris's Question: My dad has been divorced from his ex for many years. They decided it was better on the kids if he didn't see them ever again, so I do not know my half siblings. I am trying to find them and it seems to me there are probably rights of the divorced adult children. Am I correct?
We have found my dad's ex. I thought perhaps if I was aware of the laws governing divorce in her state and governing the children I might have some leverage with her if I do decide to contact her. Could she do something legal against us for trying to contact her or her kids?
Brette's Answer: The sibling relationship is an important one. Few states have laws that automatically give rights to siblings, though. You can read about the few that do here: http://www.divorcesource.com/research/dl/visitation/97may85.shtml.
The problem in your case is that you have absolutely no relationship with these children at all, since you say you've never met them. In a situation where you already established a bond, a court would be much more likely force visitation.
I think the best way to handle this would be to contact their mother in a friendly and non-threatening way and say you would like the opportunity to know them. If you call her up and start quoting legal precedents, you're going to put her on the defensive. Instead, call and be non-threatening. Make it clear you don't want to intrude or make things difficult, that you're not involved in whatever happened between her and your father, and would like a chance to get to know your siblings. The friendly approach is the way to go with this one. » Return to top
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Related Articles:
Changing Visitation Schedules
Child Visitation Problems
This column provides general information about the various aspects of divorce. It is not intended to take the place of legal counsel and should not be considered personal legal advice. For specific recommendations concerning your situation, please retain experienced legal counsel. WomansDivorce.com and the experts disclaim any liability from any claim arising from any information contained in this column. This column is not a substitute for legal advice.
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