Why Me? Stop the Agony, Regain Confidence, and learn how to Break Free From the Affair.
What is it about finding out that your partner
is having an affair that unlocks the
floodgates of emotion; emotions so strong and
intense that they seem foreign and often
disturbing even to those who experience them?
Most would say it's the betrayal, the
deception and the humiliation that catapults
them into an emotional abyss where feelings of
despair and sadness alternate with feelings of
anger and rage.
And even when the shock
subsides, the focus of people's thoughts
remains on the sexual act mainly because it exemplifies the violation of a
sacred trust between two people who have made
a commitment to each other.
Is it an uncontrollable sex drive, weak
mindedness or too much to drink that leads a
person into the arms of another? This question
is asked many times by those who struggle to
make sense of "why did he (or she) do
it?" And while it is deserving of an
answer, it behooves the person asking the
question to consider that extramarital affairs
have less to do with sex and more to do with
unmet needs. This is not to minimize the
gravity of what has occurred or down playing
the pain caused by the partner who has gone
outside the relationship. Instead, it is meant
to point out that the dynamics of an affair,
especially those with a history, are complex
and go far beyond the sexual act.
To understand what has happened, to be able to
assess the viability of a relationship (if
that is still an option), and do what it takes
to move on in life, a good place to begin is
in understanding the notion of intimacy and
how it plays out in relationships.
Intimacy is the unique bond between two people
that links them together emotionally,
spiritually and sexually. The meshing of these
elements forms the cornerstone of a monogamous
relationship and explains in part, its
distinctiveness to the human species. It also
explains why its absence foretells
non-exclusivity, suggesting that successful
and healthy relationships require more than
sex to function. It is the feeling of
connectedness that forms the basis of intimacy
making it possible for relationships to grow
and sustain the challenges that are often
brought on by stress, illness, and work and
family problems. Intimacy is the glue that
holds relationships together taking over when
the intense passion of a new relationship
transforms into a more enduring union based on
common values, love and commitment.
For intimacy to develop and be sustained, a
person must feel valued, cherished and
respected by their partner. These feelings
signify equity and balance in a relationship
and secure the bond between the partners.
Equally important is the need for effective
communication of these feelings because
without it, a rift can develop. If not
reversed, the link between partners is at risk
of being lost. Thus the greatest threat to
intimacy is not exposure to attractive people
of the opposite sex, but the inability of a
couple to feel and communicate their
connectedness to each other.
The circumstances that contribute to the
fracturing of the intimate bond are diverse
but most often involve transferring emotional
energy that was once directed toward the
relationship to other sources such as career,
children, outside interests and friends. While
good relationships can weather temporary
emotional absences, if they go on
indefinitely, they too will suffer. Under
these conditions people may reconnect
emotionally and spiritually with someone
outside of their relationship by once again
fulfilling their needs for acceptance and
understanding. Relationships such as these
often begin benignly but may later evolve by
becoming sexual. This pattern is most typical
of "affairs of the heart", affairs
that pose the greatest threat to the primary
relationship.
So while sex may be the object of a partner's
scorn, it is really the breakdown of
communication and the ultimate severing of a
bond that once existed that is really at
stake. In essence, the betrayal that is
attached to sexual infidelity may have already
occurred long before on an emotional and
spiritual level. Thus, while it may be one
partner who strays outside the relationship,
the responsibility for making it work remains
the responsibility of both. And while a person
may claim that he or she was blind to anything
in his or her partner's behavior that may
have signaled a breach in intimacy, this in
itself suggests that he or she is out of touch
with the respective needs of each other.
The effects of affairs can be devastating and
there are no quick and easy fixes to repair
the damage. However, if both partners are
motivated, then patience, honesty and the
skills of a professional can help the couple
explore whether it is possible to reconstruct
the once existed.
article from Reena Sommer Ph.D (11/26/2003), author of "The Anatomy of An Affair" - Understanding affairs or infidelity
and The Real Reasons Why People Cheat. (receive a free excerpt from the
book by clicking here)
Here are some more articles that you may help you understand affairs and how to
uncover them:
Quote of the Day
People change and forget to tell each other.
- Lillian Hellman
