Divorcing An Abusive HusbandPlanning is critical before you file for a divorce from an abusive husband. Divorce is ugly anyway, but it can turn brutal when leaving a controlling spouse. Try to have an exit plan in place before you leave. It's also a good idea to have supportive friends and family to turn to during the trying times that will probably be ahead. If you haven't told your husband about your plans yet, the following considerations should be kept in mind before you leave. Protecting yourself when you leave When it comes to leaving an abusive situation, you need to realize that doing so may spark rage in your husband. If you are threatened, you may need to get a restraining order, but be aware that this may push some men over the edge. The most dangerous time for an abused woman is the first 24 hours after a restraining order has been issued. Some men feel that they won't be controlled by a piece of paper. If you do get a restraining order, ask the police if they can drive by your house, or contact your local shelter to see if you can stay at a safe house until things are settled. The importance of taking your children with you If you are planning on leaving the family home, take your children with you. You may be afraid to do this because your husband has previously threatened that he will never let you take the children. From a practical standpoint, consider how it would appear to a judge if you left your children in a potentially dangerous situation. Also consider the power that you would be handing over to an already controlling husband. He could keep you from seeing your children and therefore have the best form of leverage in negotiating your divorce settlement. In essence, he might say that in order for you to see your children again, you'll need to agree to his terms. Getting legal help When you make plans for your divorce, you will want to hire a lawyer that has experience in divorces involving domestic abuse. You need someone that understands the dynamics of such a relationship and can help prevent you from being intimidated into an unfair divorce agreement. If your case goes to trial, you need someone who can enlighten the judge about your circumstances, and will be willing to protect you and your children. How domestic abuse affects divorce Once your divorce begins, there are a few points to keep in mind. In states where fault is a consideration in the divorce process, the evidence of domestic abuse can influence the property settlement as well as custody and visitation arrangements. While mediation is generally suggested as the first method of resolving divorce disputes, it's not appropriate in cases where there has been domestic abuse. If your state has a mandatory mediation clause, you can ask the court to wave mediation due to the domestic abuse. Custody considerations in abusive situations You also need to seriously consider whether joint custody would be the best arrangement in your case. This is because with joint custody arrangements open the door to continuing contact with your ex-husband, which may not be a safe situation. Abusers often use custody and visitation issues to try to establish or continue control over their spouses. If custody is being disputed, make sure that the courts know about the abuse, because it will have a bearing on the best interests of the children and the structuring of custody and visitation. Courts are uncomfortable with denying visitation with the non-custodial parent, but may order supervised visitation in cases of domestic abuse. Get Support Divorce is a crazy time anyway, but when you add the pressures of a volatile situation to it, it can seem unbearable. To help cope, try to find a support group or get some counseling to help you during this time. Your local shelter can provide a lot of support and resources for you. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. Go to the top of Divorcing An Abusive Husband ©Tracy Achen, author of Divorce 101: A Woman's Guide, the book that walks you through the divorce process. Get step-by-step instructions, worksheets, and divorce tips covering all of the practical aspects of going through a divorce. Below, you can find more articles that deal with other aspects leaving or divorcing an abusive husband: Leaving
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