My abuser left me

Porn addiction, and his need to act out exactly what he saw, left me feeling like a victim whom had been groomed for the acts he wanted. Sex was only on his terms, I was not to initiate. I went along with his wishes trying to be the good wife...then he told me he had no respect for me. Even during our separation he pushed the sexual envelope even further...telling me that I should tolerate his friends unwanted physical grabbing of me, then himself rising to new acts for me to do...then after completion told I was not to sleep in the bed but had to leave. “What are you doing?” he would ask as I went to lie down.

This of course was combined with constant verbal abuse about myself physically and my career abilities. The whole time being told if I didn't do these things for him he would find someone else who would. I would often have to tell him I liked what he was doing or wanted it. I was told to shut up if I said no. He refused to wear any protection as he felt it affected his experience. Even after I expressed concerns of pregnancy or disease from his extramarital excursions… it didn't matter. I had tricked myself into thinking this just must be how he feels loved...thru sex....as presents or cards would sit unopened by him, cooked meals ignored, etc.

The kicker is he left me, citing he was miserable. So I sold my soul for nothing. He has never even said he's sorry. And if I would ever cry he would become very angry… mocking me in my sobs. I had made excuses for him as he was exposed to porn at a young age... but at a certain point you have to rise above. I had been molested by a baby sitter while in kindergarten... I guess if I choose to not try to reconcile with Him then I would personally be rising above my past.

This is the first time I have shared this… the process can be frustrating as no one knows about this.... they just think he's such a nice guy.

Comments for My abuser left me

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I'm there
by: Anonymous

I’m so sorry, and I know how you feel! I am the one however who left! I could not live any longer with the constant control or the need to push boundaries of our sexual intimacies out of our own bedroom. Porn I admit is a struggle for me too. As a child at a very young age I was introduced to porn magazines and was molested. I felt some insane feelings as being a sexy person when I was merely 9 years old. I was so picked on and taunted as a youngster in grade school that to know the men in my life were attracted to naked women, I learned that to be accepted was to be sexy. Crazy things that an under developed mind tells itself for acceptance.

I am a Christian who believes in forgiveness and look forward to Heaven where all my indiscretions will be forever gone. My husband never heard my cry for righteousness and peace, instead he thought of only himself and his needs. I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep or curled in a ball on the floor of my closet after being so berated for not performing oral sex for him, or other self-gratifying tricks. Hours he would spend attacking me and like a good wife I tried to make him better and the only thing that made him better was for me to be distraught and guilty; to beat myself up so badly for being such a horrible neglectful wife.

I’m a pleaser like you and have always tried to be giving and subservient. I finally left after years of pleading for help and so frustrated with years and years of defending myself and my character to a man who was supposed to be on my side. Constantly at odds and continual negative angry words of disapproval drove me with huge regret and sadness out the door. That rug that I let myself sweep the ugliest of issues, and words unable to retract, became too full to sweep one more thing under and forget as I had done so many times before.

After 8 years of pleading for marital help, I asked for Church, counseling, or medication. Yes I know these were things one human being can’t possibly force another to do. He acts severely devastated and the victim, yet he continues to push past anything I can tolerate mentally, and refuses to vote for the side of peace. There is zero trust and to tell you the truth I’m certain it will never work as we are so different.
The first kiss we ever shared was poison. I tried to make a poisonous marriage something it could never be. For that I feel I failed and wish I could have loved a broken man enough to change. Change is truly not for anyone to decide but for the individual. I pray for your healing and self-forgiveness as I continue to do for myself! You are so far from alone and the good news; you’ve already been forgiven ;-)

So Sorry ...
by: GERRI RUSSELL

I am so sorry to hear of your suffering. I can't even begin to understand how you must have felt during this horrible experience, but I can tell you that God can and will help with any and all problems you have in dealing with the pain, shame, or anything else that may arise out of it. Put your trust and faith in Him and he will heal you inside and out, I will pray for your wellness and success. Best wishes. Gerri

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