Advice For Newly Divorced Women

Being a newly divorced woman isn't easy, but it's a journey that we must all go through when our marriage ends.  It helps to talk to others who have "been there and done that" to get their perspective.  Since not everyone has that shoulder to lean on, we've gathered the best advice from other women who have been in your shoes.

We received a lot of inspiring advice on moving forward after divorce in our recent book give away contest.  To qualify for the contest, readers were asked to give their best advice for newly divorced women.  Thanks to their great feedback, five lucky entrants received a free copy of the book How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed, a true story about a woman starting over after a divorce. 

Even though we could only pick five winners, all the entrants offered excellent words of wisdom.  In the spirit of "Passing it On", we've decided to share their inspiration and insight to make the journey easier for other newly divorced women. Read on for tips on taking card of yourself, getting support, moving forward, and more.  If you would like to offer your advice to other divorced women, just use the form at the bottom.  

Taking Care of Yourself

Keep yourself in good health -- and make sure to exercise and keep fit. Looking good is empowering. Get your finances in order, and do all you can to avoid getting into debt. Don't jump into another relationship! Enjoy time with yourself (and your children if you have some). ~ Susan ~

Change your bedroom to make it your own space. Even little things like new linens or rearranging the furniture can make it feel like a new room. Don't forget to add scented oil or candles that smell just the way you like! ~ Julie ~

Remember you, possibly for the first time in your life.  You need to focus on yourself and this will benefit everyone around you. ~ Kimberley ~

It is the hardest thing you will ever have to go through. Keep your head up and remember that this pain will not last forever even though it feels like it will. Join a support group or get support from friends and family, you will need it. Keep yourself busy and active. Believe in yourself that you will survive. ~ Tina ~

Focus on being the best "you" can BE. Always have some weekend fun to look forward to. A movie, dinner with girlfriends, dancing. Don't be in a rush to find a new love. Do things that interest you and meet like minded people. Make time to nurture your soul: inspirational readings, nature walks, solitude. Listen to the quiet voice inside you that is always there ready to guide you to The Truth. Your Truth. ~ Carmelina ~

Seek happiness for yourself above all else. Solidify your character and values. You alone can control your actions and thoughts, so you alone have the power over how you face each day. Empower yourself. Read "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne and try and follow its guidance. ~ Shalene ~

Concentrate on the positive seriously. Don't get so hung on what you lost that you lose sight of what you have to gain. Take advantage of your newly earned free time to return to yourself. See the friends that your partner didn't like, watch the movies that made him yawn, and go all the places you love that he didn't. Be positive, move on, and stop crying over a spilt milk.  Life is short and enjoyable, so enjoy every part of it. Go woman! I know you can make it! Be strong! ~ prettty matende ~

You know in your gut you did the right thing. Don't waste anymore of your valuable life with crippling thoughts about your ex. Imagine and visualize what you look like and act like at your best.  Put up the prettiest picture you have of yourself and remind yourself everyday that's who you are, and you will be that woman. Believe in yourself. You took back your life so don't waste it. Be who you want to be. ~Corinna~

Getting Support

There are friends and there are "FRIENDS". The ones that count won't judge you, will listen to you, will love you, and will always support you in any way you need. Don't lose touch of your friends, but remember that God is there to make sure you have those friends near. Even when you don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, you need to have a "friend" remind you to keep going because you will see the light eventually. ~ Tanya ~

Talk! Talk to friends or a counselor. The more you talk the better you are able to take the emotion out and deal with the practicality of your situation. You have to do what is best for you (and your children if you have them) and that is sometimes hard to figure out because of your emotions. Try to think practically, not emotionally! ~ Barbara ~

My best advice would be to seek support. Divorce is like a death.  However, with a death friends and family come to you. With a divorce, people tend to stay away and not know how to help. My advice is to ask, seek, delegate and make your needs known. Its a humbling thing to do, but its almost a necessity in order to move on. ~ June ~

Surround yourself with people who love you and don't be reserved to ask them for help. They will be more then happy to give it to you because they love you. ~ Paula ~

First go to a book store and purchase a self help book on surviving divorce. Second, seek out a divorce group (church organizations run excellent groups), and thirdly talk to people. You would be surprised how many people are divorced. When I start to talk to someone and tell them I am going through a divorce, more then 50% of the time they are divorced also. It's good to talk to someone who has also been on the divorce roller coaster!! ~ Lauren ~

Look into as many of these empowering websites as you can. Take control and do what's best for you and your family. "You'll never walk alone". ~ Elizabeth ~

Getting Spiritual Support

Seek God and ask for him to lead you. I guarantee he will begin to break down barriers and you will be on the road to a new life. He will guide you. Seek him in everything you do. Ask the Lord to help restore you. Ask him to point out your character defects. This is a positive thing. I myself gained so much insight about myself. Lastly, the Lord will send a nice man when appropriate. Because we've already worked on ourselves all we have to do is receive him. The Lord knows best. ~ Stacy ~

My best advice is to find a good church and get plugged into it through Sunday school, etc. Try to find a class that is interactive and involves prayer requests/praise on a regular basis. The next thing that has helped me is DivorceCare. I am going through mine at my church for the second time and will probably do it again. Each class has bonded really well and we depend on each other for support. We plan activities together and call each other regularly. Do not isolate yourself and push yourself to make as many same-sex relationships as possible. I personally have found my most important strength in prayer and scripture. I ask God to allow me to feel His presence and to restore my joy and He has never failed to do so. ~ Jeri ~

Advice on Moving Forward

I would tell her to always choose happiness. Life may not give you choices sometimes, or not the ones you hope for. But no matter what, you can always choose happiness over sadness, hurt, anger, or despair. ~ Kim ~

Be brave, be true to yourself and be strong. It is the hardest thing a woman could ever go through - letting go of her past life and all her hopes and dreams. Believe in yourself, believe that you deserve happiness, and believe that you will find it again. ~ AnJul ~

In my case, the best advice I received was to put one foot in front of the other ... literally. There were many mornings I could not get out of bed because I was so upset, hurt, and depressed. I learned to not take it day by day, not hour by hour, but literally one footstep at a time. I had to conscientiously place one foot in front of the other. Divorce is like a death and while you are "mourning" you must remind yourself - and make yourself - walk towards the future. Never look back unless you plan on going that way. ~ Jamie ~

I am newly divorced after 20 years of marriage and I would say the best advice I could give is do whatever you can to empower yourself. Put yourself in the best financial position possible, refinance, sell your home. The burden of finances can take a serious toll on how you feel about your life. I am in the position now after refinancing that I can support myself and my two sons comfortably. I have to pay back family, lawyer and debt but it is manageable. Now I feel I can breathe easier. Every day I thank God for my blessings, and pray for others also. Each day gets better and I get stronger. ~ Jan ~

Look in the mirror daily and tell yourself: I am a good person. I am beautiful inside and out. I deserve happiness in life. I will move forward in my life and stop looking back. I made the right choice. I have no regrets. ~ Kim ~

I was married for 33 year and 4 children. Loved with all my heart and found out he was cheating. 4 year divorce. I am finding out who I am and what I need to be. I had to write notes to remember to brush my teeth, eat and take a shower. I lost so much weight I looked like a skeleton. I found joy in my new grandchildren. Movies, friends and I am going to get through this. Penniless, but I have my integrity, and a new life ahead of me. I can do anything I want. Life is to short to think I am worthy of anything less than happiness for myself. I never knew I was a fighter until I went through this. I am fighting for me! I gave up myself for my husband and my children. It is a real eye opener, when I didn't even know what I liked to do! I do now. Anything I want! ~ Karen ~ 

LAUGH! and learn from it. Sounds like the last thing we feel like doing, but the power of humor lies in making us see something from a different perspective. While the courts may use logic, the emotions of divorce defy it. Humor seeks out those cracks and fissures in "the process" that have us all dwelling on "the case." Look at the absurdities--in your ex, in yourself, in the lawyers or judge--and find the humor in them. It may start with mean jokes--did he put on thirty pounds and you wonder when the baby's due? Did you pour your coffee in the granola and milk in your coffee cup? Tease your kids, sing stupid lyrics to old songs in a silly voice. When you make them laugh and they see you laughing, they will feel better (and so will you!) Break out with laughter and you're breaking out of a pattern of sadness, if only for that moment. And from that moment, it gets easier to break out of it again and again. When you laugh, the friends that are worried about you also feel a moment of accomplishment--and probably relief. They need that reward, too. ALL is not a burden, ALL is not really about "the situation" of divorce. By seeking out ways to laugh, you also seek out new ways to see the world and new ways to be grateful for being in it. Laughter is free, abundant, healthy and transforming. Make yourself do it if you have to, but do it--and everything else becomes a little easier. LAUGH! ~ Laura ~

You are a strong, beautiful, loving woman that only asked for honesty and love out of your partner. The mind has a tendency to only remember the good because the pain is too much to handle. So tell your girlfriend that you trust every emotion you experience. These emotions are raw and need to be discussed out loud. Divorce is a dirty word, but not your dirty little secret. It's time to put you and your children first. He just proved if you don't, no one will. Stay strong...one second at a time. ~ Staci ~

Take It Slow

Take time to recover. Don't look for a replacement person, mourn and then move on. It is not pleasurable at the start, but it is OK to be sad/mad. Don't wallow - just pick yourself up, brush off the yuck and exhale.  A good friend who listens and is there for you is a blessing. Be sure to remember to thank her when you start to heal. ~ Mia ~

Realize that your identity has just been rocked. It takes time to rebuild yourself and find out what your values are all about. Don't rush into a relationship, enjoy the time as a single. Remember you kids are hurting as much as you are, maybe more. Love them and let them know you are not going anywhere. Let go of your ex with light and love, no matter how hard it is to do this. Forgive yourself, ask the universe why is this happening and what do I need to learn from this. ~ Cyndi ~

When you are going through a divorce, have patience with yourself. If you are a stay at home Mom like myself you will feel over whelmed with figuring out child care, finding a job, how will you be able to afford to live on your own, and on top of that cope & accept the divorce. Only tackle 1-2 things at a time and be patient with yourself. You will have days where all you can do is lay down & cry. Give yourself 20 minutes to do that and then tackle one of your major issues. Give yourself time. The situation that has resulted in your divorce didn't happen overnight and figuring out all of your life will not happen overnight. ~ Tracey ~

If you have been cheated on, don't automatically blame yourself. Even if you are an older woman, you must know that you have a special beauty, inside and out. Although you may feel desperate to prove that or feel that again, do not rush into new relationships or sexual encounters. Work on feeling whatever it is that comes to you no matter how painful instead of trying to find relationships to anesthetize the pain or distract you. Use the time to truly learn to love yourself. Easier said than done. ~ Johnette ~

Stick close to those who love you! Talk Talk and Talk as many times as it takes to make those feelings and emotions come out. Be in touch with yourself, trust and love yourself. And happiness starts to creep back in slowly. It takes time and there is no set process only that some days are good and some days are bad. Its a roller coaster that will eventually stop and you will find the strength to see the positive in this situation. This too shall pass! ~ Phyllis ~

DIVORCE; the only healer is TIME, nothing else.  It's up to you and no one else, and that's a tough one to swallow. I would never be who I am today if this had never occurred. Don't rely on friends to much, they do have another life and so will you when you are there. Good Luck and God Bless. ~ Phyllis ~

Dealing With The Emotions

Take time each day to meditate and clear your mind. There is so much going on in the first few months following a divorce. Fear weighs heavily and comes at you out of the blue. It can be very debilitating. This causes you to want your "old life" back. You start to doubt yourself and wonder if it was wrong to leave. It is only human to want to be in a familiar place, but you made a decision to leave your marriage for a reason. So take time to be still, count all the blessings in your life, feel gratitude and imagine all the happiness you wish for. And spend time with friends who you can open your heart to. One day at a time. ~ Donna ~

It may feel like you are losing control and all you want is your old life back, sometimes this life change is a hard pill to swallow; but you have to, if you are to heal inside and go on. Do not wait for your ex to have a sudden change, it is not going to happen; he is not you. YOU are now in control, take the first step to freedom and carry you fear with you; let it go once you have taken that first step. You own fear is controlling you, just like the man in you life did. You are better than him and you are the greatest person every created. ~ Sam ~

Something that helped me was downloading a couple of self hypnosis MP3s. They are actually more meditation than hypnosis, with relaxation and positive suggestions read to you by a soothing voice. One that has helped me was about accepting and feeling the pain, and knowing by feeling it I would be freeing myself from it. I actually felt better right away, not 100% but noticeably. There are many on the Internet, some specific to divorce and moving on. ~ April ~

I have never experienced such overwhelming despair, fear and doubt in all my life. Worse than a death because of the feelings of betrayal and paralyzing fear of abandonment. You truly feel you can not go through it because the pain is so intense. Remember that you are not alone and that the pain you are feeling is the necessary evil for you to move to a better and more joyous level. It is a metamorphosis to say the least. There is nothing you want more than to numb the pain or avoid it all together but know that what you resist, persists. The sooner you face your fears and allow your emotions to surface the sooner you become that beautiful free butterfly. It is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but know that if you keep walking forward you will finally reach the end and will step right into your new beginning. This experience has taught me more about my strengths as well as my fears and has given me a whole new outlook on my life. Surround yourself with good friends and positive books to keep your mind off the negative drowning thoughts. Just take one day at a time and never punish yourself for not moving faster through this. Be patient with yourself and grant yourself mercy and forgiveness. ~ Cathi ~

I don't think there is one rule to follow. I think everyone going through a divorce has different emotions and anger, but I do know that the feelings of doubt, anger sadness, guilt, worry, worthlessness, the questions or even unanswered questions are never ending. I think that everyone goes through different stages, some days are terrible some days are ok, some days are good, and some days are not so good. The feeling of "am I doing the right thing?" clashes with the feeling  of "yes I am doing the right thing". Your past, your future, is in question, and your dreams and your nightmares are a day to day thing. There are so many emotions you think you are going mad. The sleepless nights become such a habit your body clock is a mess. Then you start to look at yourself and think oh my goodness how did I allow myself to end up like this? How will I ever love again, how will I ever trust again? Who will ever love me again? I just don't have a magic answer. I read advise, I listen to people tell me I'm strong, I deserve better, I will be ok, but it doesn't stop my fears or hurt.  I believe the only way forward is day by day, baby steps into a new world. Learn to be confident and learn to smile again. There is no time or date you know you will be happy again that you can aim for. It is a path we must walk down.  When the sun shines and we feel its warmth, when we feel safe, when we feel comfortable, when our head stops swimming with the questions, then I think that will be the sign we are on our journey home to normality. Time is a great healer; peace is a great friend...I'm sure we will find them. But first we must fight though our wilderness of loss. We have to face our unhappiness and all of the above emotions and then we are ready to begin to live again.  You are not alone; there are many of us who lay in our beds at night and feel so utterly lost. We will find ourselves again, it will just take us time, and I'm sure there will come a day when we awake to feel the sun's warmth and feel we've made it, we have come through one of the hardest journeys of our life, now lets enjoy the rest.. ~ SANDRA~

I was married for 28 years to a man I did not know at all. He made me believe it was all my fault and caused me great distress emotionally. Mentally I thought I would loose it many times, but I had to remember I have 3 children and a granddaughter that need me. Church and worship with my Lord has been my strength to carry on. Remember , you are stronger than you think and the world needs you in it. ~ Annie ~

Advice on Divorce When You Have Children

Take it one day at a time, and try to never dis your ex in front of the children, because when you dis your ex, in front of the children, it does harm them. ~ Alice ~

For me, I have found that taking one day at a time is the best thing to do. It has been over whelming for me, but you have to keep your head up high. Your children still wake up each day and look up to their mother, be stong, and show them that you can do it. Just realise there will be happiness around the corner. Everyone has their rough spots to go through. This is definitely one of mine. ~ Brandy ~

I would advise a newly divorced woman with children teenage or younger to consider carefully how she conducts herself and that she continue to provide a good example for her children, especially if her ex-husband has turned out to not be a good role model. By all means go on dates or start relationships but, until you have the approval of your children, make sure that the boyfriend does not stay over and is not always there. Remember your children will always be there, whereas a new relationship may not last. This way your children will respect you as well as love you and, what more could you ask for? ~ Carole ~

Your Feelings About Your Ex

The rules of kindness always apply even though your former spouse may be angry, manipulative, or downright mean. Keep your integrity by refusing to stoop to a low level. ~ Angie ~

As hard as it may seem, try to empathize with your spouse, not condone, just try to understand their reasons for wanting a divorce, and take your ego out of the equation, realize that this is them, not you. Don't let their decisions or actions make you feel like you've done something wrong. ~ Carrie ~

Its hard to resist the temptation to keep in contact under the premise of just being "friends" because you're scared to cut this person you once loved completely out of your life. But cutting contact completely really is the only way to move forward. If you feel the need to talk to him, write it down in a journal, write 'letters' to him getting all your feelings out without actually sending them. Most importantly, its true that you really need time to heal (at least 12 months) to get the past one out of your system and begin anew, before beginning a new relationship - otherwise you are just going to unwittingly project your dynamics with your old partner onto someone knew who deserves a whole/real you. Your future partner doesn't deserve to be the person you use to resolve all your past hurts...heal yourself before you begin the next (happier) chapter of your life! ~ Gabrielle ~

When you are newly divorced you tend to think "What is he doing?" "Where is he at?" Is he seeing someone new?" DO NOT think like that because you will drive YOURSELF CRAZY! Think about what is going on in your life; the new you, you are creating. ~ Heather ~

Set boundaries for your relationship with your ex. SOOO much easier said than done but it's hard enough without going down the same roads while you are trying to heal. ~ Caroline ~

If you have any advice that you would like to pass on to other women to help them make sense of everything and move on, please use the form at the bottom of this page.  

You can also find inspiration for moving on after divorce in the following articles:
Healing Your Heart
Starting Over After The Divorce
Moving On
More Articles for the Newly Divorced

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