Is this how life is supposed to be
As I sit here drinking my glass of wine, I wonder “is this how I thought life was going to be?” The quick answer to this is F*** NO! I had this image in my head that I thought would get us through anything. We were the perfect couple!! We met in college, had an amazing wedding, amazing home, and three beautiful kids.
Where did we or I go wrong? Why wasn't I enough for him? Why weren't the kids enough for him? Why weren't a couple of beers enough for him? Now, sitting here in my shitty apartment, house in foreclosure, kids missing their dad, me missing our life....did I make the right choice by leaving?
How do you ever know? Was I so selfish that I thought us leaving would be the right thing to do? How do you ever know? How do you see into the future? How do you tell your children that you left their dad because he loved other women and drinking more than he loves you or me? The answer is you don't say that. You do what you do every day, you hope that you are doing the right thing and you continue on.
There are days though, like today, when you pause and say..."Who did I do this for?" Did I really do it for them, or did I do it for myself? And if I did do it for myself, is that wrong? They may have been happy in not knowing what I was going through and not knowing what went on behind closed doors.
But does that make you a good mother? Does that make you a good role model? Does that make you a good person? I don't know the answer to this, as I'm sure any of you reading this don't. All I know is that today, was a BAD day.
I tell my kids all the time, "It's ok to cry, it's ok to have a bad day and be mad and be sad!" Do I follow that? ...Not so much. I feel like crying makes him win, and I have spent so many tears on him...why keep doing it? Why??? Because that is who I am and that is how much I tried, and how much I still hope that he will turn around for his kids.
Will he? Probably not! But I still hold out hope. My mother asks me, "Why do you continue to be surprised by his actions? Did you think he was going to change when you left?" My answer is........ I don't have an answer for that. I thought that when I left he would see the error of his ways, my mistake again.
He has a new girlfriend, a whole new life. Guess I should have seen that coming. If it was ok for him to be with other women while we were married, why would it not be ok when we were separated? I guess I need to come to terms with it all. And I will...eventually, in the right way. I know it will be a long painful process, but this has helped.