His kids were more important

by Sandra
(Pa USA)

I was in a bad car accident and going through menopause. I admitted myself into the hospital after the accident. While I was in there, he took his youngest daughter and abandoned me.

We both were in previous marriages. He had 3 children and I had 2. My first husband was a sex addict. He told me he didn't love me so I threw him out and divorced him. After my divorce was final I flew to FL to start over.

When I returned I met my second husband. His wife had a lesbian lover and they would go out and do drugs, and party. He was alone in a home they owned and she used the children like pawns.

I was a social worker and had connections, so we fought for visitation. It was always something. She finally took off and left the children with her father who was a gambler. The eldest went into the Navy right out of High School. In the meantime, the younger 2 where living in squalor. When I found out I had then get them and bring them to live with us.

My husband tried to commit suicide, the youngest daughter was a mess, and her older brother fell in love for the 1st time. The daughter kept pestering him and his girlfriend, who we allowed to come over to our house. He moved out due to her and moved in with the Mother's lesbian lover.

I fell apart and I am to blame. I gave up my career because he asked me to say home. I still love him but I hate him for what he did to me. He and his youngest child, who has taken my place, now live together. He says his kids are more important than me. My son built her a computer and we found all kinds of porn and lesbian stuff, and she is only 16. Two months ago she attempted suicide. I tried to warn him, but he went into denial.

I have gone through physical and emotional hell. He won't go to counseling. We tried 2 times and the 2nd counselor gave him permission to not be married. I am a wreck, no job, no family. They have all put me through emotional distress. I went from 125lbs to 83lbs due to stress. He acts like she is his wife. Valentine’s Day is my 11th anniversary but he won't talk about "us".

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Step children conflict
by: Anonymous

On our 25 wedding anniversary, my husband said I don't get along with his children, which is a long story. I don't get along with anybody. I let myself go and did not take care of myself as I should. We had a lot of hatred over the children going on for over 10yrs, it just finally got to him. His children did not like me for some reason, never gave me a reason, and would not talk about it. So I just stayed behind when there was a family function with his kids.

Our children are all grown now, with families of their own. So it hurt really bad to have his kids dislike me, since I was the parent that truly raised them. Their mother was not in the picture, but started to come around about 10yrs ago, when all this started to happen. Not sure if this was some of the reason, I have not talked to him since he walked out. I filed divorce.

My Heart Breaks for You...and For Me
by: TheFixer

Dear Sandra,

I cry reading your story. I am so sorry for the multiple losses you have endured in your life. I can relate to you because I am a "fixer." I thought it was my role in 30 years of marriage to be there for everyone else but me. I thought my family would recognize how much I loved them and love me in return. Especially because I always put them first! Of course, all that happened was that I ended up with three people who used and abused me. At the present time, I am separated and soon to file for divorce. All three of my family members, husband and two daughters, have ADD. I have spent years dealing with the symptoms of this disorder and the daily issues it brings. Always feeling like I was living on an island where I didn't speak the language...I spent much of my life "coping" and "distracting" myself from their lack of concern and love for me and my inability to reach them with my words and my needs.

My oldest daughter has successfully pushed everyone who ever cared about her out of her life and focuses on users. She relates better with them because she is one herself. Her father's allegiance is to her, not to me. She has known that for most of her life and has exploited it to a maximum degree. Her father states that she is an adult who can make her own choices. The fact that she mixes medication with drinking on an almost daily basis and is now spending her time with a crack head (oh, but he's really NOT, you know!) is of no concern to him. She lives rent and cost free in my home, even though she is 23 and works full-time making more money than I do (I have pushed for rent responsibility for 2 years and my husband will not agree). My youngest daughter (she is 17) is in the throes of anorexia and will probably be hospitalized within the next 7-10 days for what could be as long as 6-8 months.

Both daughters are self-destructing. In all of my 23 years of parenting them, I never had my husband's support and we never worked as a team. His job was to bring home the paycheck and do whatever he wanted whenever he pleased. My job was everything else. Now that I have physically left, I am the "selfish b----" who never cared about any of THEM! Rather ironic, I think.

And so, I move between anger and heartache. Not for my relationship with my husband, I feel nothing anymore for him. But for my children, who are my children and will always be my children. My heart is breaking and my fear is great. I am trying to find a peaceful place in all of this and I try to have faith that they will be able to survive. I can't help them anymore because I am the enemy. I hope that in time I will be able to put more focus on myself to move forward without them. I am trying, but the task is great. I do find myself taking one day at a time, some days are good, and some days (like today) are bad. I pray for the better days ahead.

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